(no subject)
so yeah, wow what a CRAZY day today was. Last ngiht sucked, ignore the post before this one, but today I was still kinda hurt about it, so my day wasn't peachy but, it deff didn't bring me down.
tim and I had a talk and straitend most things out. His journal post wasn't about elizabeth after it was about jessie. and that's cool. but I LOVE (total sarcasim) how elizabeth wrote in her journal all this shit about me. She is so f*cking immature, I'm so over her, I serisouly can't stand her. Like I watched laguna beach season one today and the war between kristen and lc is the war between me and her. No real reason to hate each other other than we both like the same boy. and it's totally gay and I know that, but it still bothers me from time to time. idk why
but tim and I are still having trouble and that my dears is why I am up at 3 am in the morning. I can't sleep knowing that he is thinking about ending it. Even if he doesn't end it now, he's gonna end it before he goes to college. Can't blame him there cause we aren't kyla and bobby, and we don't want to be jessica and ethan (no offense to either couple). but I really want to stand by him through the rough times. I'm not around just to have a good time, I'm here to care for someone and for them to care for me back jsut as much as I do for them.
I honestly have pictured my life without tim in it tonight and it's wierd. I don't think it's so much that I'm "stuck" on him, but more as a he's my bestfreind who knows me inside and out, and loosing him would be loosing another friend and I can't take that kinda of heart break again. this time last year I had 4 BFF's that were boys. Now I have katie and tim who I tell everything to, and then there is mitch who I have to lie to most days. I feel really bad about that too, but I know if mitch found out some of my troubles or parts of my past he would kill me and whoever made me sad.
I honestly think I need therapy. Maybe not therapy but I can't think of the name of the person where you sit on there long couch and you tell them all your problems and your life story. phsyciatrist??? idk, but I think I need to see one. I want to find out what is missing in my life that gives me the constant need of a man in my life. I'm a very independent person, I love my alone time, but why do I have to have so many guy friends? and always have a boyfriend??? I want to know. Why would I rather tim and I fight everyday for the rest of our lives than for me to be single again??? that's a crappy and SCARY thought... that I fear being single and alone. I think I have to many problems to deal with myself and that is why I keep boys around, cause they listen but don't give oppinions back, girls do and it is really annoying me everytime I go to talk to a girl about my problems and they are jsut like "break up already" of "oh that happened to me too" when there story is totally different than mine.... idk I'm just tired of people trying to help me and it not really helping. so in summary of this ranting pargraph I think I need to get a psyciatrist casue I'm not talking to my mom, and my sister didn't speak to me for a week last time I tried telling her this stuff.
I really wish I could talk to my ma about this stuff, but I can't cause she tells my dad everything and also she'll be SOOO mad at me. I lie to her queit offten but nothing big. Like I don't tell her about me and tim going to the park because she thinks that is bad and that we'll get robbed. If I told her everything tim and I have done she'd blow her top off, not even caring that I still have my promise to remain a virgin til marriage.
Tim and I don't do anything scandelous it's jsut like we have our fun, but we both know it's never happening and I feel bad about that a lot. Like we'll do stuff but I never do anything back and that is shitty. So how can I sit here and complain about him not leaving me myspace comments every once in a while when he never complains about me no doing "stuff" with him.
waiting til marriage is such a big thing to me and I don't kow why. I'm not highly religious, and I never made my promise infront of the church or god or even officially infront of my parents. That's hard to explain but we all know why I wear it, but everyone's jsut wating for the day I stop wearing it.. I feel like everyone is watching for the day I don't wear it, to prove that I can screw up( not that not being a virgin means your a screw up or anything)
People judge me like there's no tomorrow. That really hurts. Nobody believes me when it comes to how much I've experienced lately. Everyone thinks I'm a whore now, but they still love me?? how can you be like "yeah her and rooney F*ck everynight, but she is such a sweetheart deep down you jsut have to digg for it" how can people say that. tim and I do not have sex let alone do we even hang out every night. and people have to dig down deep to find the real me because of stupid comments like that. I love how everytime I turn around people are like "you need to break up with tim already" comments like that hurt me. tim thinks comments like that are what makes us fight and that's not the reason. Comments like that make me upset that people are so against me and truly don't support me anymore and then he'll say one little thing to set me off and that's when we fight. and then I can't talk about it for a while cause I don't want to say anything stupid and loose him over a gay fight.
BUt anyways... I'm jsut really tired of people trying to break us up, going around telling me things about what tim did last week blah blah blah, mostly people talking crap about me. I trust someone enough to talk to them and they go and rat me out for nothing. Most the time the stuff I say to someone is like "oh I'm mad cause of this" and then someone over hear's and twists my words and gives them back to tim and then I'm screwed cause he wont bring it up right then, he'll bring it up like a month later. and I'm really tired of people telling me about this note and how they read it. that was tim's note from elizabeth, nobody had the right to read it, I didn't even read it, and y'all call me the jealous freak, children please.....
I have full trust in tim. If I'm the least bit upset about something and he does the slightest thing I freak out and that isn't right and I want to stop that. I should be greatful he only leaves comments on other girls myspaces, that he isn't going out to the movies with them and hooking up with them. He's right I should be greatful, but other people flirting with him back when they know I'm gonna more than likely get upset is the shitty part that sends me over the top. Why do people not respect me?? I know he is a flirt, I knew that before we started dating and if you don't believe me then go back and read my journal entry from December 17, 2005 aka the day we first hooked up. Tim's a flirt no big deal, I should be greatful he's a flirt and not a player and I am, but I just feel like if he flirts enough he'll grow feeling for that girl, or I feel like I'm not doing something right, like maybe we should fool around a little bit more, but then that gets me going hot on why should I have to lower my standards and morals to keep a boy around.. ( I don't think I have to think like that with tim, but I obviously do. nd the him growing feelings for another girl isn't a trust issue it's a self-concious issue)
The other day I had the PERFECT opporunity to mess with tim while he was driving, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I never can, and the one time I did it was like 15 seconds and I've been ashamed ever since..
since I'm ranting about everything under the sun in my life like livejournal was a psyciatrist or something, let's talk about my weight shall we. I'm tired of hearing comments about my body. Yes,my boobs shrank. They've been shrinking since homecoming. got big again in december when I was eating 24/7 and since then have gone down a whole cup size. Everytime I loose weight it comes from my boobs, but honestly why do I loose weight??? I'm skinny,I know it, I flaunt it, I love it. I ain't gonna lie. But then I look at someone like nicky and I am like EWWW and then I listen to all the stuff people say about her and I am like I am thankful I'm not that skinny. I don't have an eating disorder, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full and that is the #1 way to prevent eating disorders. but I am really tired of people making fun of my image, how skinny I am, how small my boobs are, how much my face has changed, and how cute I dress?. people will sit there and make fun of my body and paleness but they'll turn around and talk about my outfit liek it's awsome. Let's just make michelle all around self-concious shall we. We've attacked her emotions, her body, her clothes, her boyfriend, and her feelings for him. can we attack anything else?? I don't think y'all can really.
I'm happy the summer is finally here but at the same time I'm kinda not. I know I'm not gonna see half the people I saw this year ever again and I'm not talking about seniors. I'm talking about all ther nerdy people who listen to me and try to talk to me and have actually helped me when the rest of my friends were being A holes, I'll never talk to them again probably. The people that were in my 4th period choir class I'll never talk to again, why?, becasue they are all going to be in ensmble and mr.c turned me down to ensamble even though all tim does is bitch about how much it's gonna suck next year, when all seniors say that every year. But still I love the all the little people I had to step on, but sometimes I wish I could have brought them with me. I see them try so hard to get everyone else to like them as much as I did and it never works. I've been working my whole life to get in with the in crowd and I still am not. Every now and then when someone absolutley thinks about it they call me or I'm there already and get automatically invited. life at the top isn't glitz and glam, so why do I and so many others work so hard for it???
So that is my life story in a rant.. maybe I ahev more a self confidence issue that needs to be taken care of before tim and I even go any longer.. idk.. I'm getting up early so tim and I can finish our conversation.. hopefully he's figured out what he wants to do, and maybe I'll feel better by the time I get up.. All this his typical high school crap and ideas. I smile 20/4 instead of 24/7, but that is whatever, I'm sitll smiling I'm not depressed, I'm ahppy as a button most days, and I can have a good time so don't go worrying about me and thinking I've gone crazy, I jsut don't cope with stress and stuff well and that is why I rant, so take this as words and nothing more
<3 Shelly
tim and I had a talk and straitend most things out. His journal post wasn't about elizabeth after it was about jessie. and that's cool. but I LOVE (total sarcasim) how elizabeth wrote in her journal all this shit about me. She is so f*cking immature, I'm so over her, I serisouly can't stand her. Like I watched laguna beach season one today and the war between kristen and lc is the war between me and her. No real reason to hate each other other than we both like the same boy. and it's totally gay and I know that, but it still bothers me from time to time. idk why
but tim and I are still having trouble and that my dears is why I am up at 3 am in the morning. I can't sleep knowing that he is thinking about ending it. Even if he doesn't end it now, he's gonna end it before he goes to college. Can't blame him there cause we aren't kyla and bobby, and we don't want to be jessica and ethan (no offense to either couple). but I really want to stand by him through the rough times. I'm not around just to have a good time, I'm here to care for someone and for them to care for me back jsut as much as I do for them.
I honestly have pictured my life without tim in it tonight and it's wierd. I don't think it's so much that I'm "stuck" on him, but more as a he's my bestfreind who knows me inside and out, and loosing him would be loosing another friend and I can't take that kinda of heart break again. this time last year I had 4 BFF's that were boys. Now I have katie and tim who I tell everything to, and then there is mitch who I have to lie to most days. I feel really bad about that too, but I know if mitch found out some of my troubles or parts of my past he would kill me and whoever made me sad.
I honestly think I need therapy. Maybe not therapy but I can't think of the name of the person where you sit on there long couch and you tell them all your problems and your life story. phsyciatrist??? idk, but I think I need to see one. I want to find out what is missing in my life that gives me the constant need of a man in my life. I'm a very independent person, I love my alone time, but why do I have to have so many guy friends? and always have a boyfriend??? I want to know. Why would I rather tim and I fight everyday for the rest of our lives than for me to be single again??? that's a crappy and SCARY thought... that I fear being single and alone. I think I have to many problems to deal with myself and that is why I keep boys around, cause they listen but don't give oppinions back, girls do and it is really annoying me everytime I go to talk to a girl about my problems and they are jsut like "break up already" of "oh that happened to me too" when there story is totally different than mine.... idk I'm just tired of people trying to help me and it not really helping. so in summary of this ranting pargraph I think I need to get a psyciatrist casue I'm not talking to my mom, and my sister didn't speak to me for a week last time I tried telling her this stuff.
I really wish I could talk to my ma about this stuff, but I can't cause she tells my dad everything and also she'll be SOOO mad at me. I lie to her queit offten but nothing big. Like I don't tell her about me and tim going to the park because she thinks that is bad and that we'll get robbed. If I told her everything tim and I have done she'd blow her top off, not even caring that I still have my promise to remain a virgin til marriage.
Tim and I don't do anything scandelous it's jsut like we have our fun, but we both know it's never happening and I feel bad about that a lot. Like we'll do stuff but I never do anything back and that is shitty. So how can I sit here and complain about him not leaving me myspace comments every once in a while when he never complains about me no doing "stuff" with him.
waiting til marriage is such a big thing to me and I don't kow why. I'm not highly religious, and I never made my promise infront of the church or god or even officially infront of my parents. That's hard to explain but we all know why I wear it, but everyone's jsut wating for the day I stop wearing it.. I feel like everyone is watching for the day I don't wear it, to prove that I can screw up( not that not being a virgin means your a screw up or anything)
People judge me like there's no tomorrow. That really hurts. Nobody believes me when it comes to how much I've experienced lately. Everyone thinks I'm a whore now, but they still love me?? how can you be like "yeah her and rooney F*ck everynight, but she is such a sweetheart deep down you jsut have to digg for it" how can people say that. tim and I do not have sex let alone do we even hang out every night. and people have to dig down deep to find the real me because of stupid comments like that. I love how everytime I turn around people are like "you need to break up with tim already" comments like that hurt me. tim thinks comments like that are what makes us fight and that's not the reason. Comments like that make me upset that people are so against me and truly don't support me anymore and then he'll say one little thing to set me off and that's when we fight. and then I can't talk about it for a while cause I don't want to say anything stupid and loose him over a gay fight.
BUt anyways... I'm jsut really tired of people trying to break us up, going around telling me things about what tim did last week blah blah blah, mostly people talking crap about me. I trust someone enough to talk to them and they go and rat me out for nothing. Most the time the stuff I say to someone is like "oh I'm mad cause of this" and then someone over hear's and twists my words and gives them back to tim and then I'm screwed cause he wont bring it up right then, he'll bring it up like a month later. and I'm really tired of people telling me about this note and how they read it. that was tim's note from elizabeth, nobody had the right to read it, I didn't even read it, and y'all call me the jealous freak, children please.....
I have full trust in tim. If I'm the least bit upset about something and he does the slightest thing I freak out and that isn't right and I want to stop that. I should be greatful he only leaves comments on other girls myspaces, that he isn't going out to the movies with them and hooking up with them. He's right I should be greatful, but other people flirting with him back when they know I'm gonna more than likely get upset is the shitty part that sends me over the top. Why do people not respect me?? I know he is a flirt, I knew that before we started dating and if you don't believe me then go back and read my journal entry from December 17, 2005 aka the day we first hooked up. Tim's a flirt no big deal, I should be greatful he's a flirt and not a player and I am, but I just feel like if he flirts enough he'll grow feeling for that girl, or I feel like I'm not doing something right, like maybe we should fool around a little bit more, but then that gets me going hot on why should I have to lower my standards and morals to keep a boy around.. ( I don't think I have to think like that with tim, but I obviously do. nd the him growing feelings for another girl isn't a trust issue it's a self-concious issue)
The other day I had the PERFECT opporunity to mess with tim while he was driving, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I never can, and the one time I did it was like 15 seconds and I've been ashamed ever since..
since I'm ranting about everything under the sun in my life like livejournal was a psyciatrist or something, let's talk about my weight shall we. I'm tired of hearing comments about my body. Yes,my boobs shrank. They've been shrinking since homecoming. got big again in december when I was eating 24/7 and since then have gone down a whole cup size. Everytime I loose weight it comes from my boobs, but honestly why do I loose weight??? I'm skinny,I know it, I flaunt it, I love it. I ain't gonna lie. But then I look at someone like nicky and I am like EWWW and then I listen to all the stuff people say about her and I am like I am thankful I'm not that skinny. I don't have an eating disorder, I eat when I'm hungry and stop when I'm full and that is the #1 way to prevent eating disorders. but I am really tired of people making fun of my image, how skinny I am, how small my boobs are, how much my face has changed, and how cute I dress?. people will sit there and make fun of my body and paleness but they'll turn around and talk about my outfit liek it's awsome. Let's just make michelle all around self-concious shall we. We've attacked her emotions, her body, her clothes, her boyfriend, and her feelings for him. can we attack anything else?? I don't think y'all can really.
I'm happy the summer is finally here but at the same time I'm kinda not. I know I'm not gonna see half the people I saw this year ever again and I'm not talking about seniors. I'm talking about all ther nerdy people who listen to me and try to talk to me and have actually helped me when the rest of my friends were being A holes, I'll never talk to them again probably. The people that were in my 4th period choir class I'll never talk to again, why?, becasue they are all going to be in ensmble and mr.c turned me down to ensamble even though all tim does is bitch about how much it's gonna suck next year, when all seniors say that every year. But still I love the all the little people I had to step on, but sometimes I wish I could have brought them with me. I see them try so hard to get everyone else to like them as much as I did and it never works. I've been working my whole life to get in with the in crowd and I still am not. Every now and then when someone absolutley thinks about it they call me or I'm there already and get automatically invited. life at the top isn't glitz and glam, so why do I and so many others work so hard for it???
So that is my life story in a rant.. maybe I ahev more a self confidence issue that needs to be taken care of before tim and I even go any longer.. idk.. I'm getting up early so tim and I can finish our conversation.. hopefully he's figured out what he wants to do, and maybe I'll feel better by the time I get up.. All this his typical high school crap and ideas. I smile 20/4 instead of 24/7, but that is whatever, I'm sitll smiling I'm not depressed, I'm ahppy as a button most days, and I can have a good time so don't go worrying about me and thinking I've gone crazy, I jsut don't cope with stress and stuff well and that is why I rant, so take this as words and nothing more
<3 Shelly