topic 162 "I never thought I'd say this, but... *locked so tight from everyone*
I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I should have made another deal with Wolfram and Hart and got Kara a mindwipe and a new life. I know, I should know better. I should be able to look at how that went with Connor, and how no deal with the firm will end well. But then I look at Connor and how he is able to handle things better now than he used too. Once upon a time the very thought that Cordelia and Harry didn't survive that plane crash would have ended up with a massacre in the streets of Gotham. I don't doubt he did a lot of damage, but I'm pretty sure he didn't completely lose it. He has a better grip on how to deal with things now because the fake memories help balance the real ones. The fake lessons he learned from his fake family help balance his natural instincts and real lessons he learned from Holtz, Darla and me.
I look at Kara and I want to save her from herself. Maybe people assume I don't know that she isn't okay, but they should remember that I have a history with unstable fragile girls who want a father figure. I look at her and I want to be able to take her hand in my own and protect her from the world and herself. I want to be the hero on the big white horse who can make things better for her. I want be to the father figure who doesn't let her down. But I do let her down. It's impossible for a parent not to let their children down.
A mindwipe would change her completely. It would take away everything that makes her Kara. It would change everything about her that has made me love her as much as if she was my biologically my child. It would mean I once again stepped in and played God with someone's life while making a deal with the devil. But then I look at my children, all of my children, and their relationship with me and wonder if maybe I'm the real devil. As much as I love them, I am usually the one who hurts them, or doesn't get there fast enough to save them.
Connor said I couldn't save everyone. He was right. I just wish I could save her. Every time something happens I see a little more of her slip away, and I feel powerless to give her what she needs. Because I think she needs Darla and I to choose her completely over Connor and cast him out. And while I could possibly justify a deal with the devil to erase the pain from her memories, there is nothing I could do to justify throwing my son out of my life.
I look at Kara and I want to save her from herself. Maybe people assume I don't know that she isn't okay, but they should remember that I have a history with unstable fragile girls who want a father figure. I look at her and I want to be able to take her hand in my own and protect her from the world and herself. I want to be the hero on the big white horse who can make things better for her. I want be to the father figure who doesn't let her down. But I do let her down. It's impossible for a parent not to let their children down.
A mindwipe would change her completely. It would take away everything that makes her Kara. It would change everything about her that has made me love her as much as if she was my biologically my child. It would mean I once again stepped in and played God with someone's life while making a deal with the devil. But then I look at my children, all of my children, and their relationship with me and wonder if maybe I'm the real devil. As much as I love them, I am usually the one who hurts them, or doesn't get there fast enough to save them.
Connor said I couldn't save everyone. He was right. I just wish I could save her. Every time something happens I see a little more of her slip away, and I feel powerless to give her what she needs. Because I think she needs Darla and I to choose her completely over Connor and cast him out. And while I could possibly justify a deal with the devil to erase the pain from her memories, there is nothing I could do to justify throwing my son out of my life.