[EM] 51 - Life Changing Decision
I think the most life-changing decision I ever made was letting Buffy go...in Sunnydale, and in LA when I gave up my mortality.
[locked from Buffy and the Scoobies]
At least, I thought it was at the time.
The truth is? I’ve never really let Buffy go...I can’t. That’s the annoying little problem about soulmates, they’re always there. In every move, every word...and if you’re alive, unlike me, every breath you take. Before I met her, I was cursed with a soul...she turned it into a gift.
The funny thing is? Until that final night, I hadn’t realized what I’d done. After the whole...business in Italy, finding out she was seeing the Immortal, I knew I was full of it. I couldn’t let her go...I’d never really be able to let her go.
Then I stared into evil head-on...the real darkness behind Wolfram & Hart. I faced off against evil incarnate and I realized in that moment that I’d gone a lot further than a simple inability to move on with my life.
I’d bound her to me. She wasn’t the woman I loved, or even the woman I wanted because I didn’t want Spike to have her. Buffy became my reason. For everything.
Every demon I killed, I did in her name even though I never spoke it. Every monster I took on, I took on because someday it might find its way to her. I even slayed the dragon for the fair maiden, and it felt good. I helped people because she’d want me to.
I saved the world because someday Buffy might meet the right guy for the moment...a man for herself, like Nina was a woman for me. She might fall for him...maybe marry him and start a family. And I want the world to be here for her children...and their children, and their children on down the line. I want to make sure there’s a world for them to see...a world in which a little piece of Buffy Summers still lives on.
If I’m going to live forever and I don’t have the Shanshu anymore, I have to have a reason to keep going. That’s why I signed my soul away...I know that now.
So the most life-changing decision I ever made? It was choosing Buffy. Not to be with her, not to be without her...but just to choose her over everything else.
Because I can handle anything as long as I know that somewhere...some place...she’s there.
[/locked]
Muse: Angel
Fandom: BtVS/AtS
Words: 424
[locked from Buffy and the Scoobies]
At least, I thought it was at the time.
The truth is? I’ve never really let Buffy go...I can’t. That’s the annoying little problem about soulmates, they’re always there. In every move, every word...and if you’re alive, unlike me, every breath you take. Before I met her, I was cursed with a soul...she turned it into a gift.
The funny thing is? Until that final night, I hadn’t realized what I’d done. After the whole...business in Italy, finding out she was seeing the Immortal, I knew I was full of it. I couldn’t let her go...I’d never really be able to let her go.
Then I stared into evil head-on...the real darkness behind Wolfram & Hart. I faced off against evil incarnate and I realized in that moment that I’d gone a lot further than a simple inability to move on with my life.
I’d bound her to me. She wasn’t the woman I loved, or even the woman I wanted because I didn’t want Spike to have her. Buffy became my reason. For everything.
Every demon I killed, I did in her name even though I never spoke it. Every monster I took on, I took on because someday it might find its way to her. I even slayed the dragon for the fair maiden, and it felt good. I helped people because she’d want me to.
I saved the world because someday Buffy might meet the right guy for the moment...a man for herself, like Nina was a woman for me. She might fall for him...maybe marry him and start a family. And I want the world to be here for her children...and their children, and their children on down the line. I want to make sure there’s a world for them to see...a world in which a little piece of Buffy Summers still lives on.
If I’m going to live forever and I don’t have the Shanshu anymore, I have to have a reason to keep going. That’s why I signed my soul away...I know that now.
So the most life-changing decision I ever made? It was choosing Buffy. Not to be with her, not to be without her...but just to choose her over everything else.
Because I can handle anything as long as I know that somewhere...some place...she’s there.
[/locked]
Muse: Angel
Fandom: BtVS/AtS
Words: 424