Three Times They Did(n't) (Mickey / AU!Eleventh!Doctor, 963 words, 12+)
Post Journey's End, female!Eleven-AU
LIBERTY, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY
"I'm sorry, what?" says Mickey.
"Sex?" repeats the Doctor, pulling her hair back and tying it up. "Copulation. Coitus. Shagging. The horizontal mambo. The vertical noodle -- no," she corrects herself, "they don't use that one until the thirty-fourth century, by your calendar."
Mickey stares at her for a bit, and then he says "what?" again.
The Doctor sighs. "When a man, and a woman, or two men, or two women, or actually, a number of combinations of--"
"I worked for Torchwood," Mickey says. "I know all about that bit."
"Oh," says the Doctor. "Well, what 'what' then?"
"Why do we have to have sex?" asks Mickey.
"Ah, well," says the Doctor, nodding sagely, "it's for equality. You see, certain people seem to think that I have favourites among my companions, so I've been going back and forth, making sure I never do anything for one that I don't do for all the others -- Liz was ever so annoyed at me for putting her life in danger so I could rescue her as many times as Jamie -- and since I've been having a great deal of sex with Sarah Jane, it seemed only fair that I have sex with the rest of you as well."
Mickey stares at her for a bit, and then he says, "Sarah Jane?"
"Sarah Jane Smith," the Doctor says, nodding.
"Wow," says Mickey.
"I know," says the Doctor.
"Way to bag the MILF," Mickey says.
The Doctor grins. "I know!"
"Wow," says Mickey again.
"So come on, then," the Doctor says. "Get your kit off!"
"Well, I would," Mickey says, "only I'm a bit tied up right now, in the literal sense of being bound to this execution stand with massive chains."
He waves his hands. The chains clank a bit.
"I can work the bondage thing," the Doctor assures him. "Turlough used to dress up as a school-boy and I would get my cane from my first incarnation and--"
"Also," Mickey says loudly over the top of this, "the Chuckle-Knived Empire of AllTears is invading from the Devachronic Dimensions."
"Oh," says the Doctor. "Right." She nods. "Them." She taps her sonic screw-driver against her lip thoughtfully. "...I could come back later?"
Mickey stares at her for a bit. "Or," he suggests, "you could rescue me, and we could go save the world."
The Doctor pouts. "I have a schedule!"
Mickey sighs. "Look, I'll give you a post-victory shag or whatever, okay? Can you just get me off?"
"That was my suggestion in the first place," the Doctor points out.
Mickey bangs his head against the execution stand.
#
CYCLICAL HISTORY
So they're hiding in the janitor's cupboard from the Judoon platoon who aren't on a moon, technically, because Ceres is classified as a dwarf planet, even though it's smaller than Earth's moon, and, anyway, if you asked, they'd say they weren't hiding, they had strategically retreated to plan their next move. Not that you would have had room to stand in to ask them, because it was a very small cupboard full of equipment and things, and they are forced to stand very, very close together.
"That's the sonic screwdriver, right?" Mickey says.
"Actually," says the Doctor, huffing hair out of her eyes, "yes. Yes, it is."
"Just checking," Mickey says. "So."
"So," says the Doctor, thoughtfully.
They're both quiet for a bit. Mickey shifts slightly. The Doctor shifts to compensate.
"Is that--" the Doctor starts.
"Mop handle," Mickey says.
"Ah," the Doctor says. "It's very close in here, don't you think?"
"Very," says Mickey. "Quite warm, too."
They wriggle around a bit until they can both get their jackets off, and push them down to pool around their legs.
"Did that help?" the Doctor asks.
"Not much," Mickey admits. "We need a plan."
"I could put my hands on you," the Doctor says. Mickey stares at her. "I have a naturally lower body temperature," she explains. "I thought it might cool you down a bit."
"I meant," Mickey explains, "we need to distract the Judoon before they shoot your mate Drax."
"He's not really my friend," the Doctor says. "We could just stay here until they go away."
Mickey stares.
"Orrrr," says the Doctor. "Oh! Genetic transfer!"
"Genetic transfer," says Mickey.
"Yes!" The Doctor beams. "We just need to get our DNA on each other, you know, from touching and other bodily secretions, and we'll confuse the Judoon's sensors. Quick, get your pants down."
"You do know I've met Martha Jones, right?" Mickey asks.
The Doctor attempts to look innocent.
#
STANDBY
Strange groans filled the half-sunken fertility temple, echoing across rock pools and down limpet-encrusted tunnels to where Father Ux and Novice Baru were playing Shingzu.
"Is it the Ancestors?" Baru asked, clutching his tiles to his gill-slits.
Ux waved a tentacle. "Air currents."
"Oh," said Baru. "Well, then, I have jinn and--"
"Although we should check in case it is the Ancestors," added Ux, quickly.
More noises came, gasps and whimpers blending into the wet slaps of their tails as Ux and Baru approached the chamber.
"Lights," whispered Baru.
"Marsh gas," Ux suggested. They peered inside. "Or possibly two humanoids desecrating the holy relics."
He coughed, politely.
The two humanoids looked up from their state of undress, looked down, looked at each other, and then looked back again.
"Aliens made us do it," they chorused.
Baru frowned. "Aren't you aliens?"
"Er," said the man.
"Good point," said the woman, nodding. "That's a good -- I say! Isn't that the Prophet Montenegro, descending from the heavens?!" She pointed frantically.
"What?" said the man and then, when she elbowed him, "Er, wow, it is! You should really turn and look!"
Ux and Baru did.
"No," Baru said.
They looked back. The aliens had gone.
"Marsh gas and air currents," said Ux. "New game?"
LIBERTY, EQUALITY, FRATERNITY
"I'm sorry, what?" says Mickey.
"Sex?" repeats the Doctor, pulling her hair back and tying it up. "Copulation. Coitus. Shagging. The horizontal mambo. The vertical noodle -- no," she corrects herself, "they don't use that one until the thirty-fourth century, by your calendar."
Mickey stares at her for a bit, and then he says "what?" again.
The Doctor sighs. "When a man, and a woman, or two men, or two women, or actually, a number of combinations of--"
"I worked for Torchwood," Mickey says. "I know all about that bit."
"Oh," says the Doctor. "Well, what 'what' then?"
"Why do we have to have sex?" asks Mickey.
"Ah, well," says the Doctor, nodding sagely, "it's for equality. You see, certain people seem to think that I have favourites among my companions, so I've been going back and forth, making sure I never do anything for one that I don't do for all the others -- Liz was ever so annoyed at me for putting her life in danger so I could rescue her as many times as Jamie -- and since I've been having a great deal of sex with Sarah Jane, it seemed only fair that I have sex with the rest of you as well."
Mickey stares at her for a bit, and then he says, "Sarah Jane?"
"Sarah Jane Smith," the Doctor says, nodding.
"Wow," says Mickey.
"I know," says the Doctor.
"Way to bag the MILF," Mickey says.
The Doctor grins. "I know!"
"Wow," says Mickey again.
"So come on, then," the Doctor says. "Get your kit off!"
"Well, I would," Mickey says, "only I'm a bit tied up right now, in the literal sense of being bound to this execution stand with massive chains."
He waves his hands. The chains clank a bit.
"I can work the bondage thing," the Doctor assures him. "Turlough used to dress up as a school-boy and I would get my cane from my first incarnation and--"
"Also," Mickey says loudly over the top of this, "the Chuckle-Knived Empire of AllTears is invading from the Devachronic Dimensions."
"Oh," says the Doctor. "Right." She nods. "Them." She taps her sonic screw-driver against her lip thoughtfully. "...I could come back later?"
Mickey stares at her for a bit. "Or," he suggests, "you could rescue me, and we could go save the world."
The Doctor pouts. "I have a schedule!"
Mickey sighs. "Look, I'll give you a post-victory shag or whatever, okay? Can you just get me off?"
"That was my suggestion in the first place," the Doctor points out.
Mickey bangs his head against the execution stand.
#
CYCLICAL HISTORY
So they're hiding in the janitor's cupboard from the Judoon platoon who aren't on a moon, technically, because Ceres is classified as a dwarf planet, even though it's smaller than Earth's moon, and, anyway, if you asked, they'd say they weren't hiding, they had strategically retreated to plan their next move. Not that you would have had room to stand in to ask them, because it was a very small cupboard full of equipment and things, and they are forced to stand very, very close together.
"That's the sonic screwdriver, right?" Mickey says.
"Actually," says the Doctor, huffing hair out of her eyes, "yes. Yes, it is."
"Just checking," Mickey says. "So."
"So," says the Doctor, thoughtfully.
They're both quiet for a bit. Mickey shifts slightly. The Doctor shifts to compensate.
"Is that--" the Doctor starts.
"Mop handle," Mickey says.
"Ah," the Doctor says. "It's very close in here, don't you think?"
"Very," says Mickey. "Quite warm, too."
They wriggle around a bit until they can both get their jackets off, and push them down to pool around their legs.
"Did that help?" the Doctor asks.
"Not much," Mickey admits. "We need a plan."
"I could put my hands on you," the Doctor says. Mickey stares at her. "I have a naturally lower body temperature," she explains. "I thought it might cool you down a bit."
"I meant," Mickey explains, "we need to distract the Judoon before they shoot your mate Drax."
"He's not really my friend," the Doctor says. "We could just stay here until they go away."
Mickey stares.
"Orrrr," says the Doctor. "Oh! Genetic transfer!"
"Genetic transfer," says Mickey.
"Yes!" The Doctor beams. "We just need to get our DNA on each other, you know, from touching and other bodily secretions, and we'll confuse the Judoon's sensors. Quick, get your pants down."
"You do know I've met Martha Jones, right?" Mickey asks.
The Doctor attempts to look innocent.
#
STANDBY
Strange groans filled the half-sunken fertility temple, echoing across rock pools and down limpet-encrusted tunnels to where Father Ux and Novice Baru were playing Shingzu.
"Is it the Ancestors?" Baru asked, clutching his tiles to his gill-slits.
Ux waved a tentacle. "Air currents."
"Oh," said Baru. "Well, then, I have jinn and--"
"Although we should check in case it is the Ancestors," added Ux, quickly.
More noises came, gasps and whimpers blending into the wet slaps of their tails as Ux and Baru approached the chamber.
"Lights," whispered Baru.
"Marsh gas," Ux suggested. They peered inside. "Or possibly two humanoids desecrating the holy relics."
He coughed, politely.
The two humanoids looked up from their state of undress, looked down, looked at each other, and then looked back again.
"Aliens made us do it," they chorused.
Baru frowned. "Aren't you aliens?"
"Er," said the man.
"Good point," said the woman, nodding. "That's a good -- I say! Isn't that the Prophet Montenegro, descending from the heavens?!" She pointed frantically.
"What?" said the man and then, when she elbowed him, "Er, wow, it is! You should really turn and look!"
Ux and Baru did.
"No," Baru said.
They looked back. The aliens had gone.
"Marsh gas and air currents," said Ux. "New game?"