(no subject)
Dear Diary,
I'm not even sure where to start. A part of me wants to lock this diary away, keep the current feelings and situations I'm going through now away from the memories I have written down from earlier dates. I'm almost afraid to write it all down. It's as though putting it here in this journal would make it more real. I wish I could go back, just a few pages ago, when spending time with Stefan felt exciting and new. And safe. And we were just two normal teenagers falling in love-- I can't think of it that way. It makes it so much harder. As much as I want to be with him, this whole thing is so much bigger than the both of us. At least, bigger than me.
And now I'm starting to sound dramatic and cliche. Way to go, Elena.
I'm a different person now though. My life has changed so completely in the past few months. Weeks, even. I guess I got what I was asking for, after the accident. I wanted something to take my mind off of it, to distract me from the pain. But now those distractions are turning against me, into a new pain that I can't handle right now. It's all incredibly terrifying, but I keep getting pulled into it. Now that Vicki is gone, I guess I don't have to stay close. I could just try and keep it all away. But I can't.
I can't stop thinking about Stefan. Even after all I've learned, all I keep seeing and being put through every day since I found out the truth... Deep down I still really care about him. A lot. I want to make it all go away for not only myself, but him too. I know that if the circumstances were any different we wouldn't have ever met, but I wish more than anything there was a way I could make those unnatural urges go away. Then there's Damon - who is absolutely infuriating. I'm not saying this because I want him to or anything, but I need to find out why he hasn't just killed me yet. I need to figure out what exactly it is he wants, so he stops hurting people. Or at least killing people I know and care about. I'm not sure there's any way to stop him from being a killer completely.
--
I'm going to end this entry. I'm thinking at a hundred miles an hour and I can't write it all down. I can't stop thinking about Matt, and how he's going to react when he realizes Vicki isn't coming back. I need to make sure Jeremy never finds out about what really happened the other night. I just have to try my best to pretend none of this ever happened. Get used to the lies, and the fear. I have to.
I'm not even sure where to start. A part of me wants to lock this diary away, keep the current feelings and situations I'm going through now away from the memories I have written down from earlier dates. I'm almost afraid to write it all down. It's as though putting it here in this journal would make it more real. I wish I could go back, just a few pages ago, when spending time with Stefan felt exciting and new. And safe. And we were just two normal teenagers falling in love-- I can't think of it that way. It makes it so much harder. As much as I want to be with him, this whole thing is so much bigger than the both of us. At least, bigger than me.
And now I'm starting to sound dramatic and cliche. Way to go, Elena.
I'm a different person now though. My life has changed so completely in the past few months. Weeks, even. I guess I got what I was asking for, after the accident. I wanted something to take my mind off of it, to distract me from the pain. But now those distractions are turning against me, into a new pain that I can't handle right now. It's all incredibly terrifying, but I keep getting pulled into it. Now that Vicki is gone, I guess I don't have to stay close. I could just try and keep it all away. But I can't.
I can't stop thinking about Stefan. Even after all I've learned, all I keep seeing and being put through every day since I found out the truth... Deep down I still really care about him. A lot. I want to make it all go away for not only myself, but him too. I know that if the circumstances were any different we wouldn't have ever met, but I wish more than anything there was a way I could make those unnatural urges go away. Then there's Damon - who is absolutely infuriating. I'm not saying this because I want him to or anything, but I need to find out why he hasn't just killed me yet. I need to figure out what exactly it is he wants, so he stops hurting people. Or at least killing people I know and care about. I'm not sure there's any way to stop him from being a killer completely.
--
I'm going to end this entry. I'm thinking at a hundred miles an hour and I can't write it all down. I can't stop thinking about Matt, and how he's going to react when he realizes Vicki isn't coming back. I need to make sure Jeremy never finds out about what really happened the other night. I just have to try my best to pretend none of this ever happened. Get used to the lies, and the fear. I have to.