Love and Loss

[not_the_shell]

((Continued from HERE))

"So Wesley kissed....you, hoping to remember. And you kissed him back, wanting to discover."I considered her words carefully before deciding that it was, possibly, the trth of the matter. "Perhaps," was all I said before placing the box down and holding the spoon in my hand, moving it about and looking at it before placing

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[wishingwillow]

"Yes. Yet I see you feel the need somehow to explain this to me. I understand the mechanics of kissing. Fred's memories are quite clear on that subject. I merely wished to experience it myself, not rely upon the latent ones within this vessel."

"No," I shook my head as I reached to place the ice cream carton in the freezer. "I wasn't talking about the 'mechanics of kissing' just then. Because in the end, there are only so many ways that two sets of lips can come together. And that is when it becomes about the movement behind the motion."

Impulsivley I reached out to place my hand where her heart should be. Did she even have one?

"It becomes about here."

I pulled my hand away.

"What were you really looking for?"

"Yes. Though, why that is so, I cannot fathom."

"Well," I treid to explain. "The why's aren't always what come to us first. Sometimes it is the when's and the how's that hit hard and fast, and the reasoning gets understood later."

"Then how do you survive? How do you live, move on, walk amongst others lower than you

[not_the_shell]

She touched the place where Winifred Burkle's heart had once been and I simply watched the motion. Was it supposed to affect me in some manner?

"What were you really looking for?"

"I am...uncertain." I did not like this line of questioning. I moved away from the witch towards Spike and gently stroked the small branches as I attempted to understand myself. Finally, one memory stood out and Fred's voice escaped my lips.

"I have to say, someday I'd love to bend your ear about the Pergamum Codex. I-I think some of the really obscure passages are actually Latin translated from a demonic tongue, and they're kind of a hoot. All this stuff about Bacchanals and spells..."

I stopped her voice and found my own again before finally giving her the answer she had requested.

"What were you really looking for?"

"Sex."

I believed what I said to be truthful, although I was still uncertain. And as I spoke, the witch continued to raise her voice at me, and I turned away from Spike to finally meet her questioning eyes.

"And how do I move on? I try

[wishingwillow]

"I have to say, someday I'd love to bend your ear about the Pergamum Codex. I-I think some of the really obscure passages are actually Latin translated from a demonic tongue, and they're kind of a hoot. All this stuff about Bacchanals and spells..."

"I..." I trailed off as my memory fully processed just what Illyria was saying. Or rather, revisiting. I heard the words clearly, I just wasn't sure of their tone. There could either be a question there, or a mocking answer. "Just how much of her are you carrying around in there? And why call on it now? Am I upsetting you?"

I studied Illyria closely, hoping to learn something from her reply.

"Sex."

"You don't look for sex," I said shortly, upset at Illyria though I wasn't sure why. "At least the way you are, like looking at....a plant. You have sex. You feel it. You know it...in places we are not discussing right now. But whichever way it is," I met her eyes across the room. "I don't think Wes is going to oblige."

"I do not suppose anyone has ever informed you that your words make

[not_the_shell]

"Just how much of her are you carrying around in there? And why call on it now? Am I upsetting you?"

"No, I merely thought..." What had I thought? I had assumed that the mention of the rituals involving sex from Fred's mind would explain it better to Willow.

"You don't look for sex."

"Why not?" This was curious. I had, after all, offered to Wesley that one time that we might share the experience to further my understanding of humans.

"I don't think Wes is going to oblige."

My eyes remained focused on hers as I stepped ever closer to her until the air between us vanished. I felt myself growing...angry. "And why do you assume such a position?" I growled out quietly. "You are not currently having intercourse with him; I do not understand."

She continued to speak about her words and I believed she was attempting to make a remark towards me and my own conflicts, but at this moment I was steady.

If I could not have my foe to kill, I would undertand this ache within my chest that arose whenever Wesley's name was mentioned.