2009 Reflections
As I look back over the last year I can't help but think of the saying about life havings its ups and downs. Certainly 2009 was a year filled with so much of that.
My family re-located to Duluth and that in and of itself had its own ups and downs. I was happy they sold their house and created a new chapter but down that they moved in with my sister forever meaning my relationship with them would forever change. This move further positioned me as the outsider which certainly has its downs. My sister had a baby and has developed an insanely unhealthy relationship with my mother. I have tried to distance myself from the situation and try to work out my own feelings about the situation.
I had two relationships end in 2009 and the very early beginnings of a long term partnership emerge. It seems that the boy maybe a keeper but the verdict is still out.
2009 was a year that taught me more about vulnerability than any 12 months should really teach some one. From financial vulnerability to emotional vulnerability to physical and spiritual vulnerability. The financial issues with my work and its instability have been so challenging and have caused a situation where there is a pronounced lack of trust with my boss and the organization as a whole. I have learned the importance of experiencing emotional vulnerability again. At times it is hard to get to a place where I feel open and loving in the ways that I used to. It has been a long road filled with many steps forward and many steps backwards.
I also learned about this concept of an emotional spiral. The idea that you experience an emotion and then you make your way back to that feeling again but its different the next time. I keep coming around to feelings of vulnerability, not feeling valued, and emotional pain of my last relationship ending. Each time I approach these feelings it is different, but each time I am different. I think of myself spiraling up and out of such a deep rut.
This year had many ups too! I bought my first single tail whip and learned how to use it.
I experienced my very first IML and so many wonderful kinky things. I really blossomed when it comes to kink. I learned the hard way that kinky is a must for me- it really is a deal breaker in relationships.
I had another amazing year at CampOUT, had my photos taken for a radical gender art project.
This was the year I let my boy in, into the inner thoughts and workings of my mind in ways I never thought I could. My friendships blossomed and my skills in the workplace were honed. My team was successful in finally securing smoke-free air protections for all workers in Wisconsin. This was a year of so much success! I got my finances in order and am on solid footing as I prep for grad school.
2009 was a really great year in so many ways despite all the complaining. I am so very blessed and so fortunate. Finally despite muddling through a lot of issues around success- I know I can measure my success can be measured by my change potential and not my earning potential. That is something I can be proud of.