Stream of consciousness
So many thoughts in my head and I dont know which ones are going to come out because I cant type fast enough for my thoughts but I have a headache and I am missing Malcolm in the middle but I need to break my tv watching habit before the school year starts except I am going to watch Gilmore Girls every week because I will finally be able to because I can't be in Luchsingers this semester cause I am on academic probation and I dont care that I cant do activities cause I really need to kick my own ass this semester and Miranda promised me that she would too but I have to work at Banana to save enought money to pay myself bach the three thousand dollars I owe myself because I am a royal fuckup but I look on facebook and I see all these kids I used to know living the stereotypical college life and I am jealous oh so jealous and sometimes I wish I had just gone to Chapel Hill or state or UNCG or something so I could have this oh so normal college life with boys and dorm rooms that are tinyh but still have enough room to play beer pong and crazy parties that I dont have to drive home from and classes that I can get a's in despite having a life but still having opportunites and meeting all sorts of interesting people everywhere and having that huge group of friends already that I never got at agnes cause I kept sitting with different people and all I really have are Miranda and Rachel, and I was getting closer to Liz and Mary but now Mary is gone and I think Russ likes Liz so now I am jealous even though I shouldnt be cause in my heart of hearts I know this is just another one of my many many many many many many amany crushes that I have and I dont know why I am like this and I kill myself emotionally over and over and over again and I dont understand why I do this and do I scare myself and do I scare all the guys away and when did I become so bitter? I think it was by the time I was a freshman in high school which is sad but by the time I became a junior I was really sad and I couldnt figure out why why whey why why why why why why?????????????????? and I saw this girl with a horribly deformed face and instead of being happy for her when they said on the show that she had a wonderful boyfriend I thought how could she get one and I cant and what is wrong with me and now I feel fat fat fat but I cant stop eating but I think to myself if I get thin somebody will want me but I used to be not fat, not thin, but not fat and I look back at myself and think why did I think I was fat and how can Rachel ever ever ever ever ever think she is fat? but nobocy wanted me when I looked good but I had no sense of fashion and that stupid underwear that I used to wear and stick out of the back of my pants how embarrassing and how could I let myself do that and no makeup and my hair and my hair now and I just want to cut it off but I am trying to grow it but if I cut it off I will look fatter fatter fatter and I feel like I have no close friends anymore and everyone around me is changing and growing older and different and I feel like I am just the same person I used to be and I have no hobbies now, I need music again, and I need my books again but I dont have it and I need it and I dont have it at my school and what oh what should I do? transfer at the end of the semester after everything is good because Miranda and I will be roomates and then she will be gone and I will be rooming once again with someone I dont know and I just want to stay in the room by myself but Christy Smith will kill me but I need friends and I really dont have any anymore...not close ones who love your jokes and want to be with you and hang out with you alone and dont call you out of guilt or cause another friend tells you too and I need boys in my life cause I really dont have any not even my gay friends anymore I have grown apart from everyone and all I have are Rachel, Miranda, and Jackie and I havent seen jackie since March!!!!!!!!! I miss you sossosososososososososos much and she understands me and gets me so much and I miss her and I need somebody else like her and I think all the time that my first love will be the one who will fill that hole but I dont want to turn into that needy clingiy obsessive dependant girl who will simply die if she loses her boyfriend and I am already way down the road to becoming one so I am scared and no wonder people stay away and my stupid brother says I hate men but I dont I am just scared and vulnerable and confused and always pining and I dont understand why I dont have frienda and everyone else around me thinks I am crazy and maybe I am cause I act goofy and silly and crazy around them to hide the hurt inside and when I act happy I feel happy and I am sounding like a melodramatic movie, but none of these people who think I am funny and crazy dont really know me at all and they dont care about me at all except as a good laugh. I need a friend right now. I need people. Where do I find them?