Thoughts on Abbey's Letter to the DAYDians Pt 2
Now that the most difficult thing has been dealt with (see part 1), this should go fairly quickly. The original letter is here
I remember all the “therapy” he gave me. He made me feel like it was
safe to open up to him. In fact, he was remarkably perceptive. He pushed
me to face every personal shortcoming; I felt like I was growing into a
better version of myself. I thought of him as my hero, my savior. He
made me stronger. Braver. Better, because I was dealing with all the
abuse I’d suffered.
Yup. I hear you there. AND...If I didn't WANT to open up and "talk about it!!!!" I seem to recall that Jordan/Lij's decision to go away had something to do with me refusing to open up. Or sometimes he would ridicule your thoughts, turn things around, and then say, "see, aren't you glad you decided to talk about it?" (Abbey - remember me flying off to Ireland...yup). I would sternly be commanded to talk about stuff that I really did not want to discuss. I'd be shamed and bullied into doing so. That's part of how he gets you - he makes you tell all your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, past. And then, when you leave, you've shared so much that you've become co-dependent. leaving/being kicked out was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Not only was I suddenly homeless (I spent my first night on a park bench), but I had to move in with a total creep with a really wicked foot fetish, and I wanted desperately to go back "home." I did feel loved and cared for and safe. The other day, one of my therapists asked if I ever felt abused when I was in the cult. No. Not while I was in. A bit, used, perhaps. Especially when I had to re-paint the god damn door at the Milwaukee house over and over and over and over. Still bitter about that. yeah. Need to let go of that one - not worth it.
Later, there were interventions. I was a “control addict” and needed to
recover from that, because I was ruining lives (his and Diamond’s
specifically, at that point). I was utterly devastated, and did
everything I possibly could to own my “addiction” and “make
reparations.”
I think I mentioned this in part 1, but we were both made to go through this. Abbey more so than I - I think hers started in San Dimas. I know that's where the multiples started. Fuck. I HATED dealing with the multiples. Abbey had multiples, Jordan had Others, there was always someone's BS to put up with or a life to save. Like Abbey's said - always in crisis mode.
Sometime after that, he got me to believe that my regular
panic attacks were because I was possessed by a “secular demon” (because
“demons” are real, but they don’t always conform to religion because
religion is flawed and Andy, or rather, the elves, knew the truth.) I went through several weeks of careful preparation and finally went through an exorcism ritual.
Geeze. I'm really really sorry you had to go through that shit, especially alone. But you know what, there was enough spirituality thrown in before that to really fuck me up.(Read my shitty-ass poetry) I don't know that I could've handled an exorcism. I mean, not real, obviously, but with my background....yeesh. I'm selfish and thankful I got out of there before that. I had enough demons to deal with as it was, thank you.
What I’m saying is, I believed not only his stories, but that I owed him
my life. I thought he had saved me from my misery, brought me to a
better place, made me feel, made me face my fears, made me whole. More
than once, I swore to him that “even if I didn’t believe you, I would
stay, because this life is better than ‘normal’ life.” Beyond that, I
also believed I had an important, special future because of him. That I
had a duty to stay with him, that the world itself might be at stake.
Damn. How many times did someone in that body "save" my life? You get to thinking that it's the only way to survive after a while. And all the "sacrifices" they all make for us? Like bursting his ear drums 'cause I was trying to get away from Ed (Elrond) in a grocery store and the refridgeration units were too high pitched for his pointy-eared ass.
Andy (or one of the others) regularly explained why I had been “chosen”
to be his constant. He talked about other people on earth who might have
had my place - there were a number of qualifying factors, including
low-level telepathic/empathetic power (which allowed me to sometimes
“sense” the Elves and Hobbits, in their own dimension, standing near me.
Andy, of course, could just see them), my faith, my loyalty, the fact
that in a previous life I had been Tolkien
Another key to how he works - makes you feel special and chosen. Like I was chosen to negotiate peace in Ireland. I sure would've liked to get into him about that the day Abbey & Andy came into my work place to tell me the IRA had laid down its arms. I'm sure he would've said something to the effect that I'd lost faith, so they had to find someone else. Then why did they use that someone else in the first place? Anyway...I've been suspicious of anyone who thinks I'm so fucking special since then. Starting with PW. What normal person was going to make a trip to the US just to see me? He must be lying. He wants something else.
What I’m saying is, I know how deeply you are invested. I know that you think that they need
you. They love you. Maybe you have children in there. Or parents
(remember, Elrond was my “adoptive father,” and my secret name, Elhorian,
supposedly meant “adopted daughter of the elves”). Or dear, dear
friends you are afraid to lose. And the bond you must feel with the
other believers - there is nothing like it. I know. Diamond, Little Sam
and I have talked about that, and we still feel that connection to each
other. All of us felt it.
I thought Andy was my everything. Well, his body was. He was how I communicated with my friends, my confidantes, my doctor, my...I dunno,,,weird coach-type person, my guardian angel (Tai - pronounced Ty). He is NoT everything to you. Any time one person becomes your whole world, that is unhealthy, channeling or no. And yeah, even though I thought Little Sam was lost to me forever, we still have a connection. Abbey was my best friend, my frenemy, my enemy. But our bond runs deep. I have found so much openness, grace, understanding, and forgiveness among the BoE folks who got smart early on. No matter how deep you're in to it, you have people here to support you. If Abbey and I can get out of where we were, so can you. The biggest reason I'm opening up is to help any other victims out there.
I know he’s made you believe you’ve seen things that no one else did.
Little Sam and I both believed we’d seen a river run backwards. All
three of us believed in the “Valar,” the “gods” from Lord of the Rings -
and we believed we had seen evidence of them, such as the wind stopping
when Andy told it to stop. When you want to believe as badly as we did,
you can see things you wouldn’t otherwise.
The power of the mind is incredible. I you CAN make yourself sense things that aren't there. I felt the presence of Raz and Tai very clearly. I could feel their hands on my shoulders, but of course when I tried to focus in on it, the sense was gone. Even after it was over And I was 20 miles north of Hollywood, I could still feel it. Some of that stuff I wrote isn't just poetic license. It's not "all in your head" because you're crazy. Your mind is an amazing mystery that is actually sending off neural messages because you believe that much. So your feeling is real, but the cause of it is not. We just misatribute the source.
All the tears I wept. All the sleep I lost. All the anguish. All the fear. The triumphs. The failings. None of it mattered after all. It was the greatest, most agonizing loss I’d faced in my life, and I had no one left in my life to turn to. Andy was my father, brother, child, lover and friend, and leaving him took me to the lowest I’d ever imagined.
Can I just "ditto" that? How much agony could Abbey and I have saved ourselves if we'd realized there WAS someplace to go, someone to turn to? If there are any DAYDians reading this, you DO have someplace to go. You DON'T have to go through this alone.
I remember all the “therapy” he gave me. He made me feel like it was
safe to open up to him. In fact, he was remarkably perceptive. He pushed
me to face every personal shortcoming; I felt like I was growing into a
better version of myself. I thought of him as my hero, my savior. He
made me stronger. Braver. Better, because I was dealing with all the
abuse I’d suffered.
Yup. I hear you there. AND...If I didn't WANT to open up and "talk about it!!!!" I seem to recall that Jordan/Lij's decision to go away had something to do with me refusing to open up. Or sometimes he would ridicule your thoughts, turn things around, and then say, "see, aren't you glad you decided to talk about it?" (Abbey - remember me flying off to Ireland...yup). I would sternly be commanded to talk about stuff that I really did not want to discuss. I'd be shamed and bullied into doing so. That's part of how he gets you - he makes you tell all your thoughts, feelings, hopes, dreams, past. And then, when you leave, you've shared so much that you've become co-dependent. leaving/being kicked out was one of the hardest things I've ever had to face. Not only was I suddenly homeless (I spent my first night on a park bench), but I had to move in with a total creep with a really wicked foot fetish, and I wanted desperately to go back "home." I did feel loved and cared for and safe. The other day, one of my therapists asked if I ever felt abused when I was in the cult. No. Not while I was in. A bit, used, perhaps. Especially when I had to re-paint the god damn door at the Milwaukee house over and over and over and over. Still bitter about that. yeah. Need to let go of that one - not worth it.
Later, there were interventions. I was a “control addict” and needed to
recover from that, because I was ruining lives (his and Diamond’s
specifically, at that point). I was utterly devastated, and did
everything I possibly could to own my “addiction” and “make
reparations.”
I think I mentioned this in part 1, but we were both made to go through this. Abbey more so than I - I think hers started in San Dimas. I know that's where the multiples started. Fuck. I HATED dealing with the multiples. Abbey had multiples, Jordan had Others, there was always someone's BS to put up with or a life to save. Like Abbey's said - always in crisis mode.
Sometime after that, he got me to believe that my regular
panic attacks were because I was possessed by a “secular demon” (because
“demons” are real, but they don’t always conform to religion because
religion is flawed and Andy, or rather, the elves, knew the truth.) I went through several weeks of careful preparation and finally went through an exorcism ritual.
Geeze. I'm really really sorry you had to go through that shit, especially alone. But you know what, there was enough spirituality thrown in before that to really fuck me up.(Read my shitty-ass poetry) I don't know that I could've handled an exorcism. I mean, not real, obviously, but with my background....yeesh. I'm selfish and thankful I got out of there before that. I had enough demons to deal with as it was, thank you.
What I’m saying is, I believed not only his stories, but that I owed him
my life. I thought he had saved me from my misery, brought me to a
better place, made me feel, made me face my fears, made me whole. More
than once, I swore to him that “even if I didn’t believe you, I would
stay, because this life is better than ‘normal’ life.” Beyond that, I
also believed I had an important, special future because of him. That I
had a duty to stay with him, that the world itself might be at stake.
Damn. How many times did someone in that body "save" my life? You get to thinking that it's the only way to survive after a while. And all the "sacrifices" they all make for us? Like bursting his ear drums 'cause I was trying to get away from Ed (Elrond) in a grocery store and the refridgeration units were too high pitched for his pointy-eared ass.
Andy (or one of the others) regularly explained why I had been “chosen”
to be his constant. He talked about other people on earth who might have
had my place - there were a number of qualifying factors, including
low-level telepathic/empathetic power (which allowed me to sometimes
“sense” the Elves and Hobbits, in their own dimension, standing near me.
Andy, of course, could just see them), my faith, my loyalty, the fact
that in a previous life I had been Tolkien
Another key to how he works - makes you feel special and chosen. Like I was chosen to negotiate peace in Ireland. I sure would've liked to get into him about that the day Abbey & Andy came into my work place to tell me the IRA had laid down its arms. I'm sure he would've said something to the effect that I'd lost faith, so they had to find someone else. Then why did they use that someone else in the first place? Anyway...I've been suspicious of anyone who thinks I'm so fucking special since then. Starting with PW. What normal person was going to make a trip to the US just to see me? He must be lying. He wants something else.
What I’m saying is, I know how deeply you are invested. I know that you think that they need
you. They love you. Maybe you have children in there. Or parents
(remember, Elrond was my “adoptive father,” and my secret name, Elhorian,
supposedly meant “adopted daughter of the elves”). Or dear, dear
friends you are afraid to lose. And the bond you must feel with the
other believers - there is nothing like it. I know. Diamond, Little Sam
and I have talked about that, and we still feel that connection to each
other. All of us felt it.
I thought Andy was my everything. Well, his body was. He was how I communicated with my friends, my confidantes, my doctor, my...I dunno,,,weird coach-type person, my guardian angel (Tai - pronounced Ty). He is NoT everything to you. Any time one person becomes your whole world, that is unhealthy, channeling or no. And yeah, even though I thought Little Sam was lost to me forever, we still have a connection. Abbey was my best friend, my frenemy, my enemy. But our bond runs deep. I have found so much openness, grace, understanding, and forgiveness among the BoE folks who got smart early on. No matter how deep you're in to it, you have people here to support you. If Abbey and I can get out of where we were, so can you. The biggest reason I'm opening up is to help any other victims out there.
I know he’s made you believe you’ve seen things that no one else did.
Little Sam and I both believed we’d seen a river run backwards. All
three of us believed in the “Valar,” the “gods” from Lord of the Rings -
and we believed we had seen evidence of them, such as the wind stopping
when Andy told it to stop. When you want to believe as badly as we did,
you can see things you wouldn’t otherwise.
The power of the mind is incredible. I you CAN make yourself sense things that aren't there. I felt the presence of Raz and Tai very clearly. I could feel their hands on my shoulders, but of course when I tried to focus in on it, the sense was gone. Even after it was over And I was 20 miles north of Hollywood, I could still feel it. Some of that stuff I wrote isn't just poetic license. It's not "all in your head" because you're crazy. Your mind is an amazing mystery that is actually sending off neural messages because you believe that much. So your feeling is real, but the cause of it is not. We just misatribute the source.
All the tears I wept. All the sleep I lost. All the anguish. All the fear. The triumphs. The failings. None of it mattered after all. It was the greatest, most agonizing loss I’d faced in my life, and I had no one left in my life to turn to. Andy was my father, brother, child, lover and friend, and leaving him took me to the lowest I’d ever imagined.
Can I just "ditto" that? How much agony could Abbey and I have saved ourselves if we'd realized there WAS someplace to go, someone to turn to? If there are any DAYDians reading this, you DO have someplace to go. You DON'T have to go through this alone.