I spit, spit in the eye - I tear, tear out my heart
So I had some fucking Not Okay dreams a couple days ago, three nights in a row.
There's three that I remember quite starkly, and they've played and replayed over and over in my head.
1. I am with astounded, possibly in san diego? We're in what seems like a huge hotel suite. I am happy. He is Jason, for sure, but he looks different: taller, leaner, and not hairy for some reason, but the voice is his. We are naked, on the floor next to a bed- he is sitting with his back against the bed, and I am laying with my head in his lap, looking up, more enamoured than usual. Through the entire dream, he completely avoids looking me in the eyes and instead talks to me from the side of his mouth somehow, always looking up, or away. He says to me "I know you've been trying really hard. I want you to know that I appreciate that." I'm not sure what he's talking about. Then he gets up, gesturing for me to follow him, and we walk into an adjacent room. This room is pitch dark, and I can't find the door to get back out, nor can I find Jason. I hear something flit by my ear...
...and I wake up, completely restrained, on top of some kind of glowing table. There is Jason, standing near the end where my head is. There are fucking people crowded in this room all around me, but none of them look me in the face. Then Jason says "It'll be okay. It's better this way, baby boy." I think to myself, 'he never calls me baby boy- that was what I always called him. why am I tied to a table?' but I can't say anything for some reason. Then, quite suddenly, everyone around the table including Jason has a syringe needle, each one filled with something of one bright color or another. I knew this was coming, somehow? I feel more sad than scared. And then, as each and every needle in the room pierces my skin at once, I feel something that was not as much like dying...but more like I ceased to exist a little bit at a time, for hours, or days, I don't know.
Rather than fading to darkness, everything around me seemed to evaporate into a pearl-tinged luminescence, and the last thing I remember is hearing him say "I'm so sorry. I know you tried..."
There's three that I remember quite starkly, and they've played and replayed over and over in my head.
1. I am with astounded, possibly in san diego? We're in what seems like a huge hotel suite. I am happy. He is Jason, for sure, but he looks different: taller, leaner, and not hairy for some reason, but the voice is his. We are naked, on the floor next to a bed- he is sitting with his back against the bed, and I am laying with my head in his lap, looking up, more enamoured than usual. Through the entire dream, he completely avoids looking me in the eyes and instead talks to me from the side of his mouth somehow, always looking up, or away. He says to me "I know you've been trying really hard. I want you to know that I appreciate that." I'm not sure what he's talking about. Then he gets up, gesturing for me to follow him, and we walk into an adjacent room. This room is pitch dark, and I can't find the door to get back out, nor can I find Jason. I hear something flit by my ear...
...and I wake up, completely restrained, on top of some kind of glowing table. There is Jason, standing near the end where my head is. There are fucking people crowded in this room all around me, but none of them look me in the face. Then Jason says "It'll be okay. It's better this way, baby boy." I think to myself, 'he never calls me baby boy- that was what I always called him. why am I tied to a table?' but I can't say anything for some reason. Then, quite suddenly, everyone around the table including Jason has a syringe needle, each one filled with something of one bright color or another. I knew this was coming, somehow? I feel more sad than scared. And then, as each and every needle in the room pierces my skin at once, I feel something that was not as much like dying...but more like I ceased to exist a little bit at a time, for hours, or days, I don't know.
Rather than fading to darkness, everything around me seemed to evaporate into a pearl-tinged luminescence, and the last thing I remember is hearing him say "I'm so sorry. I know you tried..."