There Will Be Light (1/1)
Title: There Will Be Light
Author: tromana
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Jane/Lisbon
Summary: For the most part, she shields herself from heartache and pain.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Written for diviniaserit as a part of the Holiday Fics challenge.
There Will Be Light
Everywhere she looks, everywhere she goes, she can see the pain.
Shock that a co-worker won’t be coming into work in the morning. The horror that a friend suffers when they realize there’s no more late night chats to be enjoyed. The incomprehension on a child’s face when daddy says that mommy isn’t coming home. The heartache from losing a loved one, whether they are friend or family, to something as completely senseless as murder.
She loves and hates her job in that respect. Who likes being constantly reminded of the worst aspects of life? It’s something that Lisbon has learned over the years to merely tolerate, to push down and cast to one side, simply so that she can continue to at least resemble a sane human being. But she likes giving people, strangers essentially, answers. Hope. A reason to believe that good will out, despite all the suffering that life entails. That it’s worth it to carry on, knowing that wrong-doers will get their comeuppance every once in a while.
There’s nothing she hates more than a murderer slipping through her fingers. That means another family goes without the answers they crave. Another wife believes her husband has died for nothing. Another father trying to work out where to go once they realized they’ve outlived their child, a feeling no parent should ever be forced to face.
Sometimes, she thinks it’d be easier to just switch off, to not have feelings. If you love, you’re doomed to always getting hurt one way or another. Just because she’s consistently reminded of the worst way to lose somebody you care about it, it doesn’t mean she’s not just as acutely aware of the other ways too. Betrayal, cheating, abandonment, manipulation, simply growing apart over time. It happens daily. As soon as people fall in the love, there’s always the inevitable heartache waiting at the other end. It’s a fact of life.
For the most part, she shields herself from it. She’s faced more than enough heartache and agony without willfully walking into such a situation. Losing her mom and then her dad at such a young age, for a start. Having had to sacrifice her childhood to drag up three boys as stubborn as she is, all of whom have never shown so much as an ounce of gratitude for everything she’s done for them. Fighting tooth and nail, absolutely forgetting the concept of a social life and a family of her own, just to get where she is today.
Pushing away men, simply because they’re a distraction. Or so she’s claimed, whenever anyone has been remotely interested to ask, anyway. In reality, it’s because she’s so scared of being hurt that she just hasn’t wanted to risk putting herself in the situation. Nor has she wanted to risk hurting other people, the way her parents did when she was merely a teenager. If she gets injured - or worse - on the job, then there’s nobody to leave behind. No heartbroken significant other cursing the day she decided to become a cop. No kids unable to understand why mom had sacrificed her life for the greater good, whatever the hell that is.
Except, there always has to be an exception to the rule.
And her exception just has to be more flawed and broken than she is, doesn’t he?
Every time she sees Patrick Jane, she’s reminded of the heartache, the tragedy of his past.
He represents her failures, in a way. He’s one of the many people waiting for answers, waiting for closure for cases which seem impossible to be close. She sees him (virtually) every day; he’s almost attached to her hip. And sometimes, she just wishes she could push him away like she has so many other men, simply because she doesn’t want the reminders. She doesn’t want the hurt. Lisbon has her own ways of remembering her flaws; she doesn’t need somebody else to bring them up intentionally (or not) at regular intervals.
But equally, he reminds her just how important her job is. Just how necessary it is to capture and apprehend Red John.
Red John seems to affect everything. Her team has all been hurt by him one way or another, however subliminally. He’s the one they all have sleepless nights about and worry about if they’ll be the next target, the next victim. The CBI as a whole has been wounded, what with agents already having been killed on their own ground and the fact that he continually eludes them, regardless of what they try to do to stop him. Even civilians appear to worry about him; they seem to know, to dread the idea of coming home and seeing that macabre smiley face painted on one of their walls…
But nobody, nobody she knows has been affected quite so much as Patrick Jane.
Jane is so blinded to the concept of an ‘after’ Red John. Not only does she need to ensure that the serial killer is tried in a court of law, but that Jane can move on and realize that life is still worth living. It’s a little hypocritical, she’s more than aware of that, but in a twisted way, it’s her way of repaying his lesson. He’s made her realize that the job isn’t the be all and end all of everything. He’s taught her that it’s okay to let her hair down every once in a while, to just relax. She’s learned how to just go with the flow and stop being so uptight all the while.
As a consequence, she’s realized she’s just as fixated on one thing as the people she’s always trying to save.
And that is helping others, despite being so desperate to keep them at arm’s length. She doesn’t want the hurt, but she wants to make them feel better because she understands it so well.
She still cannot shake that incorrigible urge; it’s something she doubts she’ll ever be able to do. But at least now, she’s living properly instead of simply existing. She has people she can count on as friends rather than just coworkers or acquaintances. There’s even someone who she may be falling in love with, though she wouldn’t feel comfortable admitting to that just yet.
Mostly because he couldn’t be further from being ready for a relationship.
That means she has a job to do. Somebody’s got to teach him that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Somebody needs to fix the seemingly unfixable.
Who better than herself for that? She has, after all, got years of experience in that field.
Author: tromana
Rating: PG-13
Characters: Jane/Lisbon
Summary: For the most part, she shields herself from heartache and pain.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Notes: Written for diviniaserit as a part of the Holiday Fics challenge.
There Will Be Light
Everywhere she looks, everywhere she goes, she can see the pain.
Shock that a co-worker won’t be coming into work in the morning. The horror that a friend suffers when they realize there’s no more late night chats to be enjoyed. The incomprehension on a child’s face when daddy says that mommy isn’t coming home. The heartache from losing a loved one, whether they are friend or family, to something as completely senseless as murder.
She loves and hates her job in that respect. Who likes being constantly reminded of the worst aspects of life? It’s something that Lisbon has learned over the years to merely tolerate, to push down and cast to one side, simply so that she can continue to at least resemble a sane human being. But she likes giving people, strangers essentially, answers. Hope. A reason to believe that good will out, despite all the suffering that life entails. That it’s worth it to carry on, knowing that wrong-doers will get their comeuppance every once in a while.
There’s nothing she hates more than a murderer slipping through her fingers. That means another family goes without the answers they crave. Another wife believes her husband has died for nothing. Another father trying to work out where to go once they realized they’ve outlived their child, a feeling no parent should ever be forced to face.
Sometimes, she thinks it’d be easier to just switch off, to not have feelings. If you love, you’re doomed to always getting hurt one way or another. Just because she’s consistently reminded of the worst way to lose somebody you care about it, it doesn’t mean she’s not just as acutely aware of the other ways too. Betrayal, cheating, abandonment, manipulation, simply growing apart over time. It happens daily. As soon as people fall in the love, there’s always the inevitable heartache waiting at the other end. It’s a fact of life.
For the most part, she shields herself from it. She’s faced more than enough heartache and agony without willfully walking into such a situation. Losing her mom and then her dad at such a young age, for a start. Having had to sacrifice her childhood to drag up three boys as stubborn as she is, all of whom have never shown so much as an ounce of gratitude for everything she’s done for them. Fighting tooth and nail, absolutely forgetting the concept of a social life and a family of her own, just to get where she is today.
Pushing away men, simply because they’re a distraction. Or so she’s claimed, whenever anyone has been remotely interested to ask, anyway. In reality, it’s because she’s so scared of being hurt that she just hasn’t wanted to risk putting herself in the situation. Nor has she wanted to risk hurting other people, the way her parents did when she was merely a teenager. If she gets injured - or worse - on the job, then there’s nobody to leave behind. No heartbroken significant other cursing the day she decided to become a cop. No kids unable to understand why mom had sacrificed her life for the greater good, whatever the hell that is.
Except, there always has to be an exception to the rule.
And her exception just has to be more flawed and broken than she is, doesn’t he?
Every time she sees Patrick Jane, she’s reminded of the heartache, the tragedy of his past.
He represents her failures, in a way. He’s one of the many people waiting for answers, waiting for closure for cases which seem impossible to be close. She sees him (virtually) every day; he’s almost attached to her hip. And sometimes, she just wishes she could push him away like she has so many other men, simply because she doesn’t want the reminders. She doesn’t want the hurt. Lisbon has her own ways of remembering her flaws; she doesn’t need somebody else to bring them up intentionally (or not) at regular intervals.
But equally, he reminds her just how important her job is. Just how necessary it is to capture and apprehend Red John.
Red John seems to affect everything. Her team has all been hurt by him one way or another, however subliminally. He’s the one they all have sleepless nights about and worry about if they’ll be the next target, the next victim. The CBI as a whole has been wounded, what with agents already having been killed on their own ground and the fact that he continually eludes them, regardless of what they try to do to stop him. Even civilians appear to worry about him; they seem to know, to dread the idea of coming home and seeing that macabre smiley face painted on one of their walls…
But nobody, nobody she knows has been affected quite so much as Patrick Jane.
Jane is so blinded to the concept of an ‘after’ Red John. Not only does she need to ensure that the serial killer is tried in a court of law, but that Jane can move on and realize that life is still worth living. It’s a little hypocritical, she’s more than aware of that, but in a twisted way, it’s her way of repaying his lesson. He’s made her realize that the job isn’t the be all and end all of everything. He’s taught her that it’s okay to let her hair down every once in a while, to just relax. She’s learned how to just go with the flow and stop being so uptight all the while.
As a consequence, she’s realized she’s just as fixated on one thing as the people she’s always trying to save.
And that is helping others, despite being so desperate to keep them at arm’s length. She doesn’t want the hurt, but she wants to make them feel better because she understands it so well.
She still cannot shake that incorrigible urge; it’s something she doubts she’ll ever be able to do. But at least now, she’s living properly instead of simply existing. She has people she can count on as friends rather than just coworkers or acquaintances. There’s even someone who she may be falling in love with, though she wouldn’t feel comfortable admitting to that just yet.
Mostly because he couldn’t be further from being ready for a relationship.
That means she has a job to do. Somebody’s got to teach him that there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.
Somebody needs to fix the seemingly unfixable.
Who better than herself for that? She has, after all, got years of experience in that field.