(no subject)
I joke all the time about how I like to take things too far, but it's actually true. I'm never satisfied with possibilities, but must see out every encounter, every person, every situation to it's conclusion. I'm never satisfied with "what could have been" or "what might have happened," I have to find out for myself. This is all well and good, and has made for some great stories, but I think it has also sapped me of some degree of hope. Hope lies in the possibilities and I never leave things there.
For example, if I would have kept my promise to myself and left jc last September, I would still have been able to hold on to the possibility that he could have loved me, that we could have been together if the time was right. But, no, I kept going. I took him back, I watched him cheat on me and then lie about it, I watched him tell me he loved me, but still didn't want to be with me. I learned that love wasn't enough.
That's just one example, but I have a lifetime of them built up. I've hurt people, been dishonest, gotten myself into dangerous situations...just to see what would happen. I've never hurt someone intentionally (well, very rarely), but I never consider how my actions will affect the people around me, save for those in the immediate environment. Sometimes, I make decisions based solely on what would be the craziest, most surreal, most fucked-up thing I could do in that situation.
This life has been extraordinary, for sure. I wouldn't change a moment of it. But, I'd like to start thinking more and acting less. I'd like to start letting some possibilities stay in my head and not necessarily be acted out in my life. When Cortny asked me if Ryan and I were together and I said, "No, we're just sleeping together," she said, "I hope you're not still 'doing it for the story' because that's bullshit." Maybe she was right. I've got a lot of stories, but I've also made a lot of mistakes.