[52] Not exactly my mother's daughter
[Cissie found the following note on her desk when the flood ended yesterday.]
Cissie,
I think you're going to be angry with me when you get back. I know, I know, reading your entries and your private conversations is probably worse than peeking in your diary (if you keep one, I didn't find it). But I didn't even know you were here, never mind that you'd been here for so long. I'm sure you'll go back and see everything I said while I was here, and that serves me right for spying on you, but I want you to keep something in mind: I am your mother.
I love you. I've always loved you. I know I've made mistakes, and I thought we had worked through most of them, but finding out you came here and that you've made the choice to stay when you've had multiple opportunities to leave, well. It did hurt. And then to read that you died just a few weeks ago... I didn't handle all of that very well. Once upon a time, I knew everything about you, and now I don't know anything. I know that's my fault. But you're still my little girl, and I still want the best for you. I don't mean that I want you to be the best, even though I think you are. I won't pretend I know why you're here when you could be at home and going to school in the fall, but... There are obviously a lot of people here who care a great deal about you.
Now. This thing with Sylar. Cissie, I don't think it's healthy for you. I think you're putting his needs before your own, and you aren't demanding the respect and consideration you deserve. He's good at manipulating people and conversations, and you need to remember that. You deserve the best, and you deserve to be happy. Graduate that inmate of yours and come home.
Love, Mom
PS: Watch out for that Andrew kid. I think he's a little unstable.
[Cissie proceeded to go back and read all of her mother's conversations and then ignore the rest of the Barge in favor of hiding with the covers over her head. And then today she slept in and spent, oh, several hours in the gym running and practicing her archery. Then she went back to her room, showered, and wrote about twenty drafts of this letter back to her mother.]
Mom,
I'm sorry. I know you're hurt that I'm staying here. Maybe I am here because I'm hiding. I just don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, Ma. I was miserable before I came here, did you know that? I saw the things you said, but I don't think you get it. I didn't have many friends at home--not real ones. I could never tell anyone about Arrowette, and if I can't ever talk about the first sixteen years of my life, what kind of friendship is that? It's just lies, all the time. But I have friends here. Real ones. And yes, that includes Tim and Kon, and I know you're mad at them because of the way things with Young Justice went down, but what matters is that I have them here and we're reconnecting. And it's not just them; Molly's practically my sister. I've got family here. That doesn't mean that I love you any less, you know. You're my mother. I loved Marcy and Murphy and Leia (I'm sorry you didn't meet them but... maybe not that sorry; they might have hurt you), and I love Una and Martha, but just because I have strong women in my life that I look up to, it doesn't mean I love them more than you or that I'm replacing you. I wish you'd realize that.
Anyway, I think we're better when we aren't living together, don't you? Even when I come home, I don't think moving back home would be a good idea. I'm sorry. I know you want that, but I don't think anything good would come from it. We'd drive each other crazy, even if it's just during school breaks and in the summer. Haven't these last few years been better for us than any of the years I lived at home? Besides, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what to study. Sure, I can be a professional athlete, but... that's not enough anymore. Not after being here. I won't go back to heroing; I can't. But I also can't just pretend that there's nothing I can do when bad things happen. I don't know how or what that is yet, and at least here I can do some good while I figure it out. I do have friends and family here and people who rely on me. I'm happy here. I'm needed, and I'm doing good things. I have a responsibility to Isaac, and even if I didn't, I'm not ready to leave. Please... let me be happy without feeling guilty about it.
And Mom--please quit smoking. I love you. I want you to stick around. ...Happy Mother's Day.
-Cissie
PS: I'm not going to defend my relationship with Sylar. It's my choice, and he's right: it's not your business. I know you're being protective, but you don't know all the details. Just trust me, if you can.
[This evening after dinner, she rolled up her letter and stuck it in a plastic bottle. Then Cissie went up on deck and stood at the railing for a while before tossing her letter over the side, just to be rid of it. Spam is welcome, if anyone wants to catch her in the process! This post is mainly me being all anal-retentive and weird.]
Cissie,
I think you're going to be angry with me when you get back. I know, I know, reading your entries and your private conversations is probably worse than peeking in your diary (if you keep one, I didn't find it). But I didn't even know you were here, never mind that you'd been here for so long. I'm sure you'll go back and see everything I said while I was here, and that serves me right for spying on you, but I want you to keep something in mind: I am your mother.
I love you. I've always loved you. I know I've made mistakes, and I thought we had worked through most of them, but finding out you came here and that you've made the choice to stay when you've had multiple opportunities to leave, well. It did hurt. And then to read that you died just a few weeks ago... I didn't handle all of that very well. Once upon a time, I knew everything about you, and now I don't know anything. I know that's my fault. But you're still my little girl, and I still want the best for you. I don't mean that I want you to be the best, even though I think you are. I won't pretend I know why you're here when you could be at home and going to school in the fall, but... There are obviously a lot of people here who care a great deal about you.
Now. This thing with Sylar. Cissie, I don't think it's healthy for you. I think you're putting his needs before your own, and you aren't demanding the respect and consideration you deserve. He's good at manipulating people and conversations, and you need to remember that. You deserve the best, and you deserve to be happy. Graduate that inmate of yours and come home.
Love, Mom
PS: Watch out for that Andrew kid. I think he's a little unstable.
[Cissie proceeded to go back and read all of her mother's conversations and then ignore the rest of the Barge in favor of hiding with the covers over her head. And then today she slept in and spent, oh, several hours in the gym running and practicing her archery. Then she went back to her room, showered, and wrote about twenty drafts of this letter back to her mother.]
Mom,
I'm sorry. I know you're hurt that I'm staying here. Maybe I am here because I'm hiding. I just don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life, Ma. I was miserable before I came here, did you know that? I saw the things you said, but I don't think you get it. I didn't have many friends at home--not real ones. I could never tell anyone about Arrowette, and if I can't ever talk about the first sixteen years of my life, what kind of friendship is that? It's just lies, all the time. But I have friends here. Real ones. And yes, that includes Tim and Kon, and I know you're mad at them because of the way things with Young Justice went down, but what matters is that I have them here and we're reconnecting. And it's not just them; Molly's practically my sister. I've got family here. That doesn't mean that I love you any less, you know. You're my mother. I loved Marcy and Murphy and Leia (I'm sorry you didn't meet them but... maybe not that sorry; they might have hurt you), and I love Una and Martha, but just because I have strong women in my life that I look up to, it doesn't mean I love them more than you or that I'm replacing you. I wish you'd realize that.
Anyway, I think we're better when we aren't living together, don't you? Even when I come home, I don't think moving back home would be a good idea. I'm sorry. I know you want that, but I don't think anything good would come from it. We'd drive each other crazy, even if it's just during school breaks and in the summer. Haven't these last few years been better for us than any of the years I lived at home? Besides, I don't know what I want to do. I don't know what to study. Sure, I can be a professional athlete, but... that's not enough anymore. Not after being here. I won't go back to heroing; I can't. But I also can't just pretend that there's nothing I can do when bad things happen. I don't know how or what that is yet, and at least here I can do some good while I figure it out. I do have friends and family here and people who rely on me. I'm happy here. I'm needed, and I'm doing good things. I have a responsibility to Isaac, and even if I didn't, I'm not ready to leave. Please... let me be happy without feeling guilty about it.
And Mom--please quit smoking. I love you. I want you to stick around. ...Happy Mother's Day.
-Cissie
PS: I'm not going to defend my relationship with Sylar. It's my choice, and he's right: it's not your business. I know you're being protective, but you don't know all the details. Just trust me, if you can.
[This evening after dinner, she rolled up her letter and stuck it in a plastic bottle. Then Cissie went up on deck and stood at the railing for a while before tossing her letter over the side, just to be rid of it. Spam is welcome, if anyone wants to catch her in the process! This post is mainly me being all anal-retentive and weird.]