[JE] True Heroic Fashion
Title: True Heroic Fashion
Fandom: JE (primarily KAT-TUN)
Pairing: Akame, with mentions of others
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, humour, fluff
Word count: 8,830
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Summary: Kame's reputation as a dragonslayer, saviour of damsels in distress and all-round good guy should guarantee him a stress-free life and an easy ride through the tournament to win a set of Versace-made armour. Not so, as life thwarts him with a jealous lover, their respective squires, a mob of obsessed fanmaidens and a mysterious stranger.
A/N: While in Japan, maya_morning and I had this wonderfully ridiculous conversation involving Akame as knights. I thought the comedy potential was too good to pass up, so here's the result.
True Heroic Fashion
"She followed me home," Kame tried to explain when yet another fair maiden turned up at the castle gates, demanding to see her rescuer. "I didn't encourage her at all, I swear!"
Jin didn't believe him, he could tell - there was a suspicious gleam in his eyes and Kame didn't like it one bit.
"You get all the girls," he sulked. "Why's this one fallen in love with you?
"Saved her from a pack of bandits while she was out riding with her handmaidens. Any fool could've done it."
Over in the corner of the courtyard their resident fool, Court Jester Junno, was juggling for the amusement of some of the younger squires. All went well until he accidentally hit himself in the nose with a ball; he dropped the remaining six and collapsed on the stone floor, a dazed smile gracing his features.
Kame frowned and turned away. "All right, perhaps not *any* fool..."
Jin's amusement at Junno's failure was shortlived. It wasn't as if the jester ever went out for a ride and ended up slaying a dragon on his way home, earning himself the gratitude of countless villages and more betrothals than he knew what to do with, oh no. That only happened to Kame, damn him and all his horses. Jin's own efforts at being terrifically heroic weren't often successful.
In fact, they were almost never successful, which was all the more galling when compared with Kame's string of accidental victories.
"She's still staring at you," Jin said. "If she stays by the gates much longer she'll get flattened by the king when he returns." He sounded quite pleased by the idea.
"And why aren't you out with the hunting party?" Kame asked. "I've only just got back - what's your excuse?"
"It's not that kind of hunting party."
Jin didn't elaborate but he didn't have to. King Takki was a fair ruler in public but his private tastes made his royal advisors weep. Every week, Nakamaru threatened to quit over some potential scandal or other and if it wasn't for the hefty pay increases he kept receiving for being the most sane, down-to-earth advisor of the lot, he'd long since have sought a new post.
Kame sighed. "It's going to get chaotic around here again, isn't it?"
"Of course it is," a new voice piped up, making Jin jump. "Everyone will be here for the tourney next week."
The newcomer was Jin's squire, Yamapi. One of the king's former acquisitions, he'd quickly latched onto Jin as the knight most likely to approve of his sleeping and eating habits and offered himself up for service. Thrilled by the thought of having someone around to fetch and carry for him again, Jin accepted, his previous squire, Kame, having been knighted himself for (accidental) services to the realm.
"I wish you wouldn't pop up without warning," Jin complained. "I won't be able to compete next week if I drop dead from fright."
Yamapi's smile couldn't have looked less sincere if he'd been trying. "Sorry. Should I start dressing like Koki instead?"
Koki was Kame's squire, a rough - yet gentle - young man, utterly devoted to his master, fond of wearing excessive amounts of jewellery and trim. He clanked when he walked, more so than if he was wearing armour, and it was impossible for him to sneak up on anyone.
"No," Jin said firmly. "One Koki is more than enough, thanks. If you start etching 'JOKER' on my breastplate I'll hand you over to the Archery Boys Club to use for target practice!"
"ABC won't use humans," Kame said. "Not unless you bribe them."
Jin pointed at the gate, where the pink-clad maiden was still waiting for her beloved hero. "Can we bribe them to do something about her?"
"Sir Kamenashi!" the girl wailed. "I'll be waiting for you under the cherry tree where we first met!"
"She's going to have a long wait," Jin growled.
Kame blushed and went to speak to the guards.
-----
When they weren't at war (and no one could remember the last one, it was so long ago), King Takki and his circle of friends, mostly landed knights and scholars, turned to sport for their amusement. Some merely spectated, content to place wagers and live vicariously through more adventurous men.
Kame, with his love of all forms of physical activity, was not of their number. His skill with both lance and blade was without equal; there were few who could match him for horsemanship.
Few, also, who wore such stylish armour.
"You're sure you don't want a regular visor?" Koki asked for the tenth time. "Your new one's not much good for protecting your eyes."
"I'm sure." Kame much preferred his shiny new mirrored visor. "Look, if the tip of the lance catches in the gaps, that still wouldn't do my eyes any good, would it? This way, my eyes are fully covered and my vision isn't limited to tiny slits.
"Besides, it looks much better."
"I can't argue with that." Koki stopped polishing Kame's helm to retrieve a cloth-wrapped bundle from the cupboard. "Got you a little something to celebrate. Here."
Laughing, Kame accepted the gift. "The tournament doesn't even start till tomorrow and you're already sure I'm going to win?"
"Every event you enter." Koki believed wholeheartedly in his master.
"I might have some competition in the joust - I hear Matsumoto's riding in for it."
Koki snorted. "He's only showing up because the prize is a suit of Versace-made armour. You can take him, easy...especially if you're wearing these."
Kame studied the studded black gauntlets doubtfully. Similar in style to those Koki wore, only with more generous decoration, the gauntlets were a trifle overdone for Kame's taste; moreover, they looked rather dangerous. He wasn't entirely sure he could don them without hurting himself.
"Uh...thank you. I'll be sure to wear them next time I have to intimidate someone."
That the praise was lukewarm didn't bother Koki in the slightest - the sun itself could not have outshone his smile. "I knew they'd be perfect for you," he said cheerfully. "Why don't you try them on?"
"Maybe later." Kame feigned a yawn. "I'm pretty tired after all those practice bouts. Sore, too."
"That's no good. You need to be in top form for tomorrow or you'll get hurt." Koki cleared off the blankets and reached for Kame's shirt. "Lie down and I'll give you a massage."
There were times, Kame thought, when his squire fussed over him far too much; however, he never said no to a massage. He allowed Koki to help him strip to the waist then lay face-down on the bed, anticipating warm hands on his back, gentle fingers kneading the skin with care.
There was a slight creak as Koki joined him on the bed, followed by the unexpected scent of apples.
"Yamapi lent me this really nice massage oil," Koki explained. "I think it's part of the king's secret stash."
Kame rolled his eyes at this and grunted as Koki's weight settled over him. "Not much of a secret, is it?"
Koki's hands always trailed over Kame's arms, over biceps and triceps sculpted by a master craftsman, touching them with reverence before beginning with the shoulders. "You've gained so much muscle lately..."
Mind already beginning to switch off, Kame murmured vague agreement and closed his eyes, figuring he could probably catch a nap while Koki worked on him. He wouldn't have much chance to do so tomorrow, that was certain.
He was snapped out of his blissful haze when the door flew open, cracking against the wall so hard it almost broke off its hinges. Through the doorway stormed an infuriated Jin, trailed at a distance by his squire.
"Stop!" Jin yelled. "I've heard enough!"
Kame pushed himself up on his elbows, knocking Koki aside in the process. "You shouldn't be hearing it at all! What were you doing, eavesdropping outside my door again?"
"I didn't have to," Jin spat. "I could hear Koki hitting on you through the wall. How can you lie there and let him put his greasy hands all over you?"
Not for the first time, Kame wished his rooms weren't right next to Jin's. He'd already had to get his door replaced twice since Koki had taken up residence. "He's giving me a massage, idiot, to help me relax, and you've just gone and undone all his good work."
"Oh." Jin's face fell. "If you wanted a massage, why didn't you ask me?"
Koki rose from the bed, clenched his well-oiled hands into fists, and gave Jin his best intimidating glare. "It's my job to help Kame relax, not yours. He doesn't need you anymore!"
What Koki didn't say, but everyone heard anyway, was the implied, "Because now he's got me!"
Jin had both a status and a height advantage over Koki; he wasn't going to back down, not when Kame was on the line. "Why don't you go sharpen Kame's sword for tomorrow or something and let someone his own rank look after him?"
If not for the delicious scent of apples the air would have been heavy with anger, sizzling like burning meat and tainted with jealousy's bitter sweetness. Ordinarily, Jin's possessive nature provided Kame with amusement, but sometimes things went one step too far...
"I was a squire too," Kame said icily. "Your squire, in fact. So I'll thank you to hold your tongue on matters of rank."
"You were different!"
Yamapi grabbed a fistful of Jin's vest, drawing him back towards the door before he could say anything else he'd regret. "You don't want to be knocked out of the tournament before you even compete, do you?" he muttered.
"Different how?" Kame said.
Jin pointed to Kame's standard, draped over a low table, bearing a dragon with a large red 'X' on its head. "How many other people kill a fire-breathing dragon, saving king and castle from becoming burnt to cinders, by throwing a ball at it?"
Kame shrugged. "It was a lucky shot."
Lucky shot or not, it had been enough for the king to knight Kame out of gratitude, bestowing on him a small duchy in the middle of nowhere so that he might have land to call his own. While on a journey to examine his new property, Kame had accidentally killed a rampaging boar that was terrorising an entire village; this deed, unintentional though it was, had earned him both a reputation as a hero and his first proposal of marriage.
"It was skill, not luck." Koki was very proud of his master. "More than you'll ever have." This last remark, laden with scorn, was addressed to Jin.
It was all going to end in a fight, Kame could see, which Koki would probably lose since Jin refused to admit losing at anything, and both of them would wind up battered and bruised with nothing to show for it. Damned if *he* was going to stick around to witness them battling it out for his affections.
He pulled on his shirt, snatched up a cloak, and made for the door, slipping easily past Jin and Yamapi. "I'm going for a ride," he said, and no one dared argue with him.
-----
Not many people frequented the stables in the evening, so Kame saw no one but a handful of extraordinarily pretty stableboys as he strode through the stalls till he reached the last but one. His favourite chestnut mare presented him with her nose for petting; he was happy to oblige.
"You never cause me any problems, Ran...unless I forget to bring you a treat!"
Treats were for later, once a brisk ride through the evening chill had cleared Kame's head. Dismissing the stableboys, he grabbed Ran's tack himself, readying her swiftly and without any of the fuss that usually ensued whenever Jin got near a horse. Jin was a decent enough rider but he had an alarming tendency to get bitten by anything in the equestrian line.
Kame walked Ran outside, answered a challenge from an overenthusiastic guard to prove he wasn't a horse thief, then had to sign an autograph for said guard before he was finally able to mount and ride through the gates in peace.
Ran wasn't to be used in tomorrow's event - Kame had a pair of chargers just chomping at the bit for some exercise - so there was no need to conserve her strength for morning. Still, Kame was in no hurry, taking her no faster than a trot, letting his mind soar free under the darkening skies.
He tried to keep his thoughts off the messy subject of Koki and Jin, but they refused to cooperate. When Kame envisioned the gleaming sapphires in the hilt of his new dagger, he remembered how Jin had given it to him as a birthday gift...and how he'd thanked Jin afterwards, tangled in the blankets, huddled together against winter's bite and keeping each other warm until morning.
He tried to banish that memory with another, one of the new Burberry cloak he'd bought last month, but even that was tainted by the recollection of how the cloak had been broken in - shielding his skin from prickles when the urge had overtaken him with Koki in the hayloft.
Kame's breeches felt uncomfortably tight; he shifted in the saddle and thought it was a good thing they'd dispensed with the requirement for knights to remain chaste over half a century ago. If they hadn't, he suspected there would be only a handful remaining, mostly those hopelessly in love with unattainable women.
He brought Ran up to a canter, letting her go wherever she pleased; it didn't surprise him that she headed straight for the orchard.
"I suppose you want an apple?" He received a gentle whinny in response. "Fine, we'll go get you an apple. I doubt the king will begrudge me *one*."
The orchard was fenced off but poorly guarded, fruit not being high on the list of must-have items for thieves, and Kame didn't expect to see anyone else around when he slipped the halter round Ran's neck and secured her to the fence.
The tall iron gates stood open; inside, a dark figure on horseback was barely visible in the fading light. Kame paused, watching.
It was customary to leave one's horse outside for the sake of the fruit - no rider native to the area would have done otherwise - so the stranger was probably new, quite possibly with one of the companies lodging nearby for the tournament. In that case, the orchard was forbidden him, and Kame was well within his rights to enforce the law.
But not without further investigation. The stranger didn't appear to be causing any harm - his horse showed no interest in the trees - and he hadn't, so far as Kame could see, even reached for one of the sweet, ripe fruits hanging so near.
So what did he want? Kame squeezed through the gates and crept closer, using the trees for cover, till he could make out the bundle of saddlebags giving the horse a camel-like appearance. The stranger seemed well-equipped: sword, battle-axe and shield, too heavily armed for a common burglar.
Kame wished he could see the intruder's face. A soft mask covered his features and most of his hair and heavy clothing concealed his shape; dressed like that, it was doubtful he was up to any good. He certainly wasn't a surveyor, not with those arms.
The stranger began to turn towards the entrance, so Kame flattened himself against the trees, silently drawing his dark cloak around himself to cover the white shirt beneath. He held his breath, all the while berating himself for hiding. He had every right to be there, didn't he?
But the masked rider was far better armed. Hiding was the smart option, not the cowardly option...right?
Or so Kame told himself. He watched the stranger's approach through half-closed eyes, listening for horse's hooves on the grass, and almost had a heart attack when the man's sword appeared in his hand. He'd drawn it from its scabbard in one fluid move, holding it straight out in front; for a moment, Kame thought he'd been spotted.
Then he noticed the apple, balancing delicately on the flat of the blade.
The stranger had caught it falling from the tree. He flipped it up, caught it with his other hand, dusted it off on his cloak and took a bite before sheathing his sword. He quickened his pace, riding back through the gates before Kame could even consider confronting him. If he noticed Ran tied up outside, he didn't care, taking off into the night with his single stolen apple.
Baffled, Kame returned home to find Jin curled up on his bed, fast asleep, and their respective squires playing with dice in Jin's room.
"He insisted on waiting," Koki complained. "It's his own fault he couldn't stay awake."
Yamapi poured himself another mead. "Don't expect me to wake him up. I happen to like being alive, thanks."
Kame cursed them both roundly and returned to his own room to try to steal his blankets back from Jin.
-----
Morning dawned, crisp and clear, which was more than could be said for either Kame or Jin. Jin had woken up in the middle of the night, cold where Kame had pinched the blankets, so he'd snuggled closer to Kame to get warm. With Jin's chilled skin pressing against his own, Kame had woken, not best pleased at the disturbance.
Jin's attempts to mollify him were quashed by Kame's 'not before a tournament' rule, but they did eventually manage some sleep. Kame dreamt of a black-clad stranger holding a sword to his neck; Jin dreamt of saving the world from fire-breathing dragons and impressing Kame - and everyone else - with his selfless heroics.
Come morning, both were tired and muzzy, still half-asleep when their squires entered with basins of water.
"We'll have to dunk them," Yamapi said solemnly, and Koki agreed.
Five minutes later, both knights were coughing and spluttering, vowing to have their squires executed on the spot for daring to haul them out of bed and push them face-down in the icy water. Their threats fell on deaf ears.
"You have to be out at the lists in an hour," Yamapi said as he pushed Jin towards the door. "You don't have time to kill us."
Kame slipped on the spilled water while trying to fix his hair. "Don't bet on it."
An hour later, all four young men were presentable, waiting at the designated field for the review to begin.
Unfortunately, the review had been finished for quite some time, and Jin and Kame took their places in the middle of one of the king's speeches.
Kame raised an eyebrow at Koki, who gave him an embarrassed smile and said, "The sundial must be broken."
"That's worse than one of Jin's excuses."
"Hey!"
Jin was shushed by Nakamaru, who'd ventured down the front to join the knights so that he didn't have to entertain the dowagers in the stands. Older women seemed to be irresistibly attracted to the shy advisor, but he became awkward and tongue-tied around them - unlike Kame, who could win the heart of any living female and, in one of his more unusual escapades, an undead one as well, though that particular story wasn't nearly as popular as the ones about him saving fair maidens from a fiery fate.
"What did we miss?" Kame murmured.
In hushed tones, Nakamaru filled them in. "The king decided over dinner last night that there will be no mêlée this time - too many fatalities - so we're only having the joust. No teams, either. Prizes go to the best three individual competitors."
Kame looked at the two companies of men waiting to compete - one, composed solely of locals; the other, a team of loosely allied visitors - and tried to calculate how long it would take for all of them to have one-on-one matches. "Does he realise how long it'll take for all of these men to have three turns against each other?"
"Yes, which is why we started two hours ago. You showed up just in time for drinks. Didn't the messenger tell you?"
"Messenger?" Kame glared at Koki and Yamapi, who were pretending to take an interest in Nakamaru's new robes. "I was out last night. Perhaps my squire can explain to me why he didn't pass on the message?"
"I...uh...well..."
"If you don't explain yourself in ten seconds you're sleeping in the corridor for the rest of the year."
Jin didn't like that idea. "You can't make Koki sleep in the corridor!" he protested. "He'll catch cold!"
"You mean, if he's lying in front of my door you won't be able to sneak in during the night," Kame said.
"That too," Jin conceded.
"It wasn't Koki's fault." Nobody heard Yamapi because he was talking down to his boots, so he had to repeat himself. "I said, it wasn't Koki's fault. The messenger got distracted - he never gave us the message."
"Distracted?" Nakamaru said. "By what?"
"Us," Yamapi said. "We were all playing strip dice and Shige lost six times in a row."
By mutual silent consent, the subject was dropped. Kame made a mental note to invite Shige to his parties in the future.
"So," Jin smiled brightly, "what did we miss?"
Kame flagged down a tray-bearing servant and confiscated drinks for everyone - two for himself - while Nakamaru gave them an update on the tourney so far.
"The first round's almost over - you two only just made it in time." Nakamaru sipped his drink. "Koyama was so upset about the teams being disbanded that he refused to participate as an individual. Ryo kept bragging about how he was going to win, but Ohkura unhorsed him in seconds. That Matsumoto fellow trounced Yasuda, then complimented him on his nail polish."
"Matsumoto won his first round match, then?" Kame asked.
Nakamaru nodded. "Easily. He's really good, Kame. A lot of the visiting knights are."
Jin hated to lose at anything. "I can't wait to try them!"
"I hate to break it to you, but you're not going to get the chance." Kame knocked back the rest of his drink and slung his arm around Jin's shoulder. "We're the last two entrants for the first round - that means we're against each other."
-----
Even against Kame, Jin was fiercely competitive. If they were going to face each other at all, he'd have wanted it to be in the finals, but since life (and one messenger who'd fainted from a heavy nosebleed) had conspired to arrange matters otherwise, there was nothing for it but to go all out. If Jin did any less than his best, he wouldn't be satisfied and Kame would accuse him of throwing the match.
"Remember, don't go for the face," Yamapi warned as he handed Jin his sturdy oak lance. "If he gets so much as a splinter, his fans will have you hanged."
Jin snorted. "Never mind the fans, he'll do it himself."
Sir Kamenashi's cheering section comprised eight dozen beautiful women (and a couple of men) of varying ages and origins, most of them swearing up and down that they were his betrothed and they could prove it. One of them even claimed they were already married, but no one was inclined to believe him. They were all waving flags bearing Kame's arms; no other competitor had anything remotely like such a crowd.
Kame had apologised beforehand. "I don't know where they all came from," he'd said. "I remember saving that one from a fire, and reading poetry to that one to calm her nerves after a thunderstorm...oh, and that one, I helped after she was thrown from her horse..."
Irritated, Jin had grabbed his squire and stormed off to prepare.
Jousting wasn't the life-or-death matter it used to be. Having a ringed tip cut down on the injuries considerably, opponents unhorsing each other (mostly) without blood, though the fall was no less painful and there was always the risk of someone losing an eye. It went without saying that Jin had no intention of harming Kame or any of the other friends he would now have to face, but visitors were fair game.
"Try not to fall off Pin," Yamapi advised. "You're liable to get stepped on."
Pin, Jin's sturdy black destrier, wasn't the smartest horse in the stable. Jin didn't care. Pin loved him and that was what counted.
"You're in no position to make fun of my horse," Jin said. "Not unless you want me to ride you for the joust."
Yamapi grinned. "Talk to me after you win."
Over at the other end, Kame was struggling to disengage himself from his squire so he wouldn't accidentally trample him on the way.
"You're sure you've got enough padding?" Koki fretted. "You're still so thin!"
Kame was so well-padded it was a miracle he could squeeze into his armour at all. Breathing was a challenge; speaking, an exhausting adventure. "Trust me, I've got enough. Kousaku could walk all over me and I'd be fine."
Kousaku, one of Kame's chargers, wasn't out-sized by any means but he ate enough for four horses. While his appetite was something of a joke round the stables, it gave him great spirit.
"You still need to be careful," Koki said. "Jin'll probably drop the lance anyway, but he might get lucky."
"He won't drop it. He's better at this than you think, Koki."
Koki didn't look convinced. "Maybe so, but if you even think about letting him win..."
Kame smirked as he accepted his lance from Koki. "Not a chance. There's Versace armour at stake."
The final match of the first round began with more fanfare than any of the previous bouts - owing largely to the presence of a small orchestra in the retinue of one of Kame's supporters - and Jin's fans, also female but more varied in rank, had no qualms about making some noise for their favourite. One of them had to be ejected from the field after ripping open her bright red bodice and flashing the crowd; the king merely yawned but everyone else applauded.
Thanks to Kame's oddly-designed visor, he didn't get much of a peek but he got the general idea of what was taking place when Koki complained about his ex-girlfriend having the bad taste to be cheering on Jin's side.
"I thought she was classier than that," he grumbled.
Under his helm, Kame's eyebrows were headed towards his hairline. "Classy. Sure. Like none of these-"
"...hose!"
At the interruption, Kame looked round to discover Matsumoto Jun berating his squire as they walked past.
"There is a rent in my brand-new hose." The chill in Matsumoto's voice could've frozen the sun itself. "My brand-new Armani hose. You will ride back to our lodgings and fetch me a replacement pair immediately."
The unfortunate squire ran off, muttering under his breath that it was only a loose thread and that his diva of a master could damn well sit bare in the saddle for all he cared.
"Beat him in the final," Koki said. "For all our sakes."
Kame nodded and got into position. Down the other end, on the opposite side of the barrier, Jin did the same. The signal sounded and the horses ambled towards each other, their riders sitting straight in the saddles, gripping their lances firmly and mentally preparing themselves for impact.
Silence from the crowd. Even Matsumoto had turned to watch, sizing up the men who might be his future opponents.
Jin and his horse both had a weight advantage over Kame, but Kame was the better horseman, and he shied just enough that Jin's lance scraped his side without unseating him. His own glanced off Jin's shoulder, higher than he'd meant it to, knocking Jin back against the reinforced saddle though not enough to push him out of it.
Neither tilted any more successfully on the second try: Jin acquired a nasty bruise on his ribs and Kame's breastplate took a pounding, but both remained astride.
If, after a third turn with a lance, there was no victor, then they would move onto three strokes with a sword, and there the risks rose greatly. Kame was determined to take Jin down by tilting, because if he didn't, the odds were good that the two of them would do a lot more damage to each other with edged weapons. No armour was worth that, not even when it was made by Versace.
Kame took a deep breath, hoped that Jin would forgive him, and hit him full force in the right shoulder. Leaning to the left with his own lance, Jin overbalanced, slipping his feet out the stirrups, sliding down the saddle till he crashed to the ground.
A groom rushed over to take care of the horse; Yamapi did the same for the rider.
"Are you all right?" he asked as he helped Jin to his feet.
"I want a rematch," Jin grumbled. "I wasn't ready."
Kame escaped his mob of fanmaidens to check the damage for himself. "You could always tell everyone you let me win," he said. "And when I take the final, everyone will see my skills and think yours must be absolutely amazing. Isn't it better to lose to me, then, than to some visiting knight?"
"To lose in the first round?"
"Well..." Kame could see why Jin wasn't impressed. "That's hardly your fault." He glowered at Yamapi and Koki, who stared hard at Shige, who remained totally oblivious over in the stands. "If we'd been woken in time..."
"No rematches," the steward announced. "The second round will begin as soon as the field is clear." He looked pointedly at Jin and his entourage.
"Go make yourself comfortable in the stands," Kame said kindly. "Cheer me on?"
"Comfortable?" Jin said. "With a shoulder that's been completely destroyed in the name of your desire for all things fashionable?"
"You're exaggerating so I'll pity you."
"Yes. Is it working?"
"Yes, but not enough to make me declare you the victor." Still armoured, Kame couldn't kiss anyone without squishing them, so he settled for squeezing Jin's hand.
"Ow! Are those new gauntlets?"
They were, and the studs were most unkind. Kame opted not to mention that they were a gift from Koki - Jin would only take it personally.
"I don't care about his gauntlets, I just want you to get off the field so I can announce the next match," the steward said. "It would be nice to hold the finals before the end of the year."
Jin took the hint, taking weary, deliberately slow steps off the field, Pi trailing behind to help him off with his armour. Kame made to do the same, but the steward stopped him.
"Not you," he said. "You're the first match of the second round, opposite Matsumoto Jun."
"Tell me you're not serious," Kame said. "I've just finished my first round match!"
The steward gave him a thin-lipped smile as he walked away. "I'm always serious."
Matsumoto, too, was serious. For all his fuss and frills on the ground, when he was on horseback, he was a force to be reckoned with - torn hose or not.
Happily, Kame was able to remain oblivious to Matsumoto's pre-joust jibes, coldly sarcastic verbal blows designed to soften him up by breaking his spirit, because Koki had had the forethought to prepare earplugs. Kame waved the taunts away, explaining that his hearing went occasionally because Jin was so loud in bed; this had the effect of shutting up not only Matsumoto but everyone else in the immediate vicinity, all of whom were desperate to hear more.
All except Koki, who prodded Kame back towards Kousaku and urged him up into the stirrups. He wasn't keen on the topic, especially when his room led off Kame's and the walls weren't always thick enough. It was, perhaps, just as well that Jin was removing his armour in the tent, and not around to hear Kame talk about him.
He made it back in time to watch Kame knock Matsumoto down first, with an almost-illegally low blow in the vulnerable spot between plates. The visiting knight picked himself up, sneered about Kame's lucky shot, insulted the cut of Kousaku's saddle and declared that as the best-dressed man in the kingdom, he, Matsumoto Jun, would never lose to anyone who thought Burberry cloaks were stylish.
The insults fell on deaf ears. Kame accepted a new lance, hoping to put a significant dent in Matsumoto's pride to match the one in his leg. There was no arguing that the man deserved it. Yelling at his squire over a trifle, okay, but mocking Kame's fashion sense?
Kame sat ramrod-straight in the saddle, showing himself undaunted by Matsumoto's cheap cracks, but this proved to be his undoing. The lance took him low, winding him badly; he doubled over, forgetting that to do so in plate armour could only ever lead to catastrophe. The resulting crash made his earplugs fall out.
It wasn't often Kame found himself on the ground. The spectators were horrified. One maiden even fainted, landing on Nakamaru and embarrassing him half to death. Ryo gleefully swooped in to take her off his hands.
"Kame!" Jin yelled.
Yamapi had to grab him round the waist to stop him going down to offer assistance. "He'll either get back up on his own, or Koki will help him. You're not allowed to help."
"Koki shouldn't be allowed to help either," Jin sulked, but he remained where he was, watching as Kame got to his feet, waved to the crowd and climbed back on his horse. Kame had never liked messing around - when it came to feats of bravery, he always threw himself straight in, marching forwards before he had time to stop and think about it. Kame would always get right back on the horse. Every single time.
The final turn would decide it. Kame had to win. He just had to.
He rode forwards, crouching low, aiming high. If Matsumoto had a heart at all, that's what Kame was aiming for and he hit it dead on. The impact jarred him almost as badly as his opponent; Kame dropped the lance, but by then it was too late - Matsumoto was on the ground, spitting venom even as he clutched his chest. His four closest friends took to the field to carry him off, put salve on his bruises and see him through a bad case of helm-hair.
Slightly dazed, Kame dismounted, somehow managing not to stumble as his boots hit the ground. Koki caught Kousaku's reins, handing them to the groom, then took Kame's elbow to lead him away to rest.
"You beat Matsumoto in the second round," Jin said when Kame reached him. "Getting to the final should be a piece of cake."
Kame settled down to watch the rest of the round. "Let's hope so. I haven't seen the other visitors yet."
The remainder of the second round passed without incident, other than some slight drama when Tegoshi's opponent started screaming hysterically and had to be dragged off by the guards, and Kame didn't see anyone who was likely to pose a problem for him...not until the final match, in which Maruyama lost horribly to one of the visiting knights, a black-armoured stranger.
"Who was that guy?" Jin whispered. "Did they announce him?"
Kame shook his head. "I don't think so. He must've been hiding out in the tents since we got here because I don't remember seeing him at all."
But Kame *did* remember him from somewhere. Not the face, which was completely covered, nor the form, which was indistinguishable beneath layers of padding and metal, but the style of movement... With a start, Kame realised where he'd seen the man before. Last night, in the orchard.
He tried asking the people around him, but no one seemed to know the knight's identity. The only information anyone had to offer was that he'd beaten Masuda in the first round, striking him so hard he'd practically flown off his horse. He had yet to regain consciousness.
"I hope someone beats him before he gets to you." Jin sounded more serious than Kame had ever heard him. "Maruyama's still bleeding and those ribs have got to hurt."
"My body can take a lot of damage," Kame assured him, but he shared Jin's feelings on the matter. Winning was important...but so was staying alive.
-----
Thanks to some perversity on the steward's part, the stranger had the first match of the third round as well, taking Yokoyama down in a single turn, rendering him unable to remount his horse and continue.
After that, the event took a rather strange turn. The next match, between local boy Ohkura and the visiting Aiba, failed to produce the expected thrills the crowd were hoping for when both men failed to connect with their lances at all. Aiba dropped his twice so it was decreed that he had lost; Ohkura's annoyance seemed to be less that he hadn't managed a hit, and more that he hadn't thought of dropping his own weapon.
By the time Murakami was facing down Ohno, it was obvious to everyone what was going on. Nobody wanted to win and risk meeting the black knight in the next round, so they were all trying to lose. Not too many of them managed to get themselves hit, however. The only person on the field actively trying to win, other than the mystery man himself, was Kame, and his third round opponent, Yara, happily accepted even a glancing blow as an excuse to fall from the saddle, albeit in a stylish and acrobatic manner.
Such transparent cowardice dampened the spirits of the crowd in general and Jin in particular.
"I'll sing at your funeral," he promised Kame. "I could even dance, if you want me to."
"Don't bury me yet, Jin." Kame took a savage bite of his chicken wing. Lunch was being served al fresco today. "What makes you think I'll lose?"
Jin wasn't always the quickest to take hints, but he knew he was in trouble this time. "It's not that I think you're going to lose," he said, "but no one else has been able to beat this guy and all of them have been badly hurt. I just don't want anything to happen to you."
"I'm not going to lose," Kame promised. "I've got an awful lot of people to avenge."
The quarter-finals came and went, almost everyone desperate to lose, and Kame's easy defeat of Ninomiya in the semis put him up against the black knight in the finals.
"You're sure you don't want me to sing at your funeral?" Jin asked as they watched Sakurai being carried away to have his arm bandaged. "I take requests."
"I humbly request that you stop being so negative and start believing in me. Why can't you be more like Koki?"
Koki looked round briefly upon hearing his name, then turned back to Kousaku, to whom he was murmuring compliments about Kame's prowess in all walks of life. The horse didn't care how amazing Kame was so long as he continued to be generous with treats.
Jin pulled a face. "Why would I want to be more like Koki? He follows you around like some greenhorn lordling in love with his nurse!"
"I don't think you're really in a position to be making accusations about that," Kame said acidly. "Not after I got back last night to find you in my bed again. Asleep. Hogging all the blankets."
"I'd have been awake if you hadn't been out half the night," Jin said. "What were you doing all that time? Riding halfway across the kingdom?"
"Was it really that late?"
"I didn't go to your room until almost eleven, and I managed to stay awake at least an hour after that."
"Because you were looking for my diary."
"Because I was looking for your- no, because I was looking through your jewellery to check that Koki hadn't stolen any of it for himself."
Kame refrained from pointing out that the person who most often raided his jewellery collection was Jin himself; he was too curious about where the time had gone. He hadn't spent *that* long in the orchard, had he?
"I was spying in the orchard," he said at last.
"Because the kingdom is at risk of being overthrown by apples and you've been ordered to secretly monitor their activities?"
Jin's faux-shock gave Kame a much-needed laugh. "Nothing *quite* that weird." He explained about watching the stranger catch an apple on his sword, and the dream he'd had afterwards. "I'm sure that's my opponent for the finals," he finished.
"He'll have to unmask eventually," Jin said. "He hasn't been announced at all, but someone here must know him or he wouldn't have been allowed to compete in the first place."
"Good point. I wonder why he's keeping his identity a secret?"
"When you beat him, you can ask him."
"Oh, *now* you think I'm going to win?"
Jin's smile bordered on smirking, he was so pleased with himself. "It's obvious, isn't it? You saw him in the orchard, you were so entranced by him that you lost time while you were watching him, then dreamt about him last night. The two of you are supposed to meet in the finals, and then when you win, he'll reveal himself and explain the mysterious connection between you - namely, that he's your long-lost brother!"
"I've already got three brothers, thanks - I don't need another one."
"You're arguing with destiny, Kame." Jin sneaked a peek at the black knight, who was petting his horse; everyone else was keeping their distance. "If he's not your brother, he should at least be your cousin. Even your second cousin would do."
Kame groaned. "I don't want a mysterious cousin, either! Where are you getting these ridiculous ideas from?"
He never got to hear Jin's reply because the steward came up to usher him down for the finals, bearing the surprising news that the black knight had requested - and been granted - the right to begin with three strokes of the sword. If there was no clear victor after that, the lance would be second, followed by the dagger, the battle-axe and as many weapons as it took for one of them to win.
"We could skip all that and go straight to fists?" Kame suggested, but the steward wasn't a boxing fan and refused to relay the idea.
"Go on." Jin patted his shoulder, because squeezing it would've bruised his fingers. "Find out who the mystery man is. You'll be a hero."
"He's already a hero," Koki said proudly. "And he's going to-"
The rest of Koki's speech was drowned out by cheers from the fanmaidens, but Kame figured it was probably something about how much of a beating he was going to give the black knight. He ducked out of the crowd, mounted, and accepted his sword from Koki.
"Sir Kamenashi!" one of the maidens screamed. "When you are victorious, take me as your bride! Our children will have the faces of angels!"
"You don't want to marry me if I lose, then?" Kame muttered under his breath.
Similar shouts could be heard from all over the stands, on the grounds that as no one knew who Kame's opponent was, they had only one choice to cheer for. Even the king, who was supposed to remain impartial, flashed him a smile; half-a-dozen pages swooned at the sight.
The black knight turned to Kame, shrugged, and mounted his own horse, now much lighter without the travel bags and weaponry. Kame wished he could see the eyes behind the visor, but the slits gave nothing away. Even though he was surrounded by people, all of them screaming his name and cheering him on, he felt a little intimidated.
It would help if his opponent spoke, but no one had heard him utter so much as a single word. There was no way to tell what he was thinking. Kame suspected it was something along the lines of, "I'm going to destroy you."
The steward gave the signal; Kame swallowed down the lump of anxiety starting to form in his throat and gripped the hilt of his sword tightly as Kousaku ambled forwards, the horse eager to get this pesky tournament business over with so he could get back to eating.
He's quick, Kame reminded himself. Not heavy, but powerful. Should I try to block? Or is it safest if I avoid him altogether?
There wasn't much time to argue it out with himself. The black knight fetched Kame a blow right across the chest that would've knocked him out of the saddle had his feet not been firmly in the stirrups. Kame was thankful Koki had insisted on excessive padding - it deadened the impact enough that he was able to avoid such nasty things as broken ribs and collapsed lungs. His own sword swung uselessly through empty space where his opponent had been only seconds before.
No need to change weapons. Kame caught his breath, counting himself luckier than his predecessors in that he still had that option. He didn't dare look at the crowd. Shouts of encouragement, predictions of doom and marriage proposals flew past; he ignored them all.
On the second turn Kame was quicker, bringing his sword up to block rather than trying to topple his opponent. Thanks to Kousaku's unexpected turn - Koki held up a nosebag to distract him - the black knight's blade merely scraped Kame's, force muted to minimal impact.
Kame silently thanked his squire, though keeping Kousaku from running towards the food was no easy task. "Later," he murmured to his horse, and that seemed to work. Kousaku wasn't a genius but when it came to eating, he understood pretty well...even if he hadn't yet managed to grasp the idea that Jin's arm wasn't food.
Final turn. Kame didn't want to start all over again with a fresh set of weapons. He put everything he had into it, heedless of the damage he might sustain, driving forward so vigorously that he almost fell out the saddle. After all, it wasn't through cowardice that he'd slain dragons, saved exotic princesses and rescued villages from certain doom. It was through sheer stubborness, the courage to act on his principles...and a lot of luck.
His luck held this time. As the black knight extended his own sword, Kame struck his exposed shoulder with the same force he'd used to take out a dragon with nothing more than one of Junno's juggling balls. (The dragon had previously sustained a bruise on the forehead owing to a bad landing - Kame had, by sheer coincidence, struck the same tender patch, though he wasn't to know this.)
Kame's opponent didn't fall, but he did drop his sword to clutch his shoulder, which was enough for it to be declared Kame's victory. Panting, Kame dismounted. Koki rushed to attend to his master.
Everyone else had the same idea, especially those who'd been placing wagers and had just made a lot of money on Kame. Jin fought his way through the mob, Yamapi covering his back and apologising to the people who accidentally got trampled on, till he reached Kame's side. The only person not rushing over to Kame was Nakamaru...because he was tending to his opponent instead.
"You know him?" Kame asked breathlessly.
Nakamaru helped the black knight off with his helm, revealing an attractive young man with full lips and flippy red hair. "Kamenashi Kazuya, meet Ueda Tatsuya. We grew up together."
Ueda smiled, momentarily blinding anyone who happened to be looking at him. "You knew it was me?"
"Of course," Nakamaru said. "How else do you think you got into this tournament without identifying yourself? If I hadn't seen you riding through the gate and vouched for you, you'd never have been allowed in."
"I did wonder why no one even asked to see my face," Ueda mused.
The amiable, slightly odd man under the armour wasn't at all what Kame had been expecting. He'd thought he was up against some kind of sadistic brute, based on the injuries dealt those unlucky enough to lose to Ueda - not someone who could be a friend to Nakamaru Yuichi, the most harmless man in the kingdom.
"So why all the secrecy?" Kame said. "Embarrassed to be caught competing to win armour from Versace? You're not one of those Gucci purists, are you?"
"I didn't want the armour; you're welcome to it." Ueda shrugged carelessly, then winced when the pain in his shoulder made itself known. "I wanted to see if I could win against the man who slays dragons for a living."
Kame smiled awkwardly. "I...it's not that I do it for a living...I just...kind of..."
"Kame just has that sort of luck," Jin interjected. "But the dragons know better than to come around here now."
Ueda's tone registered mild irritation. "Dragons were next on my list."
"He wasn't as bloodthirsty when we were children," Nakamaru said. "I think boxing made him too competitive."
"Nothing wrong with being competitive." Jin couldn't all very well have said otherwise without being called a hypocrite by the others. ""I still don't see why you wouldn't show your face, though." He was suddenly struck by an idea. "It wouldn't be because you're secretly Kame's long-lost brother, would it?"
The look Ueda gave Jin plainly indicated that he thought the other man was a couple of trees short of a forest. "Not that I know of. Actually," his face turned slightly pink, "I'm being stalked by this crazy princess..."
-----
"You'd make a terrible soothsayer," Kame said as Jin slid under the blankets with him. "Predicting that Ueda was going to be my brother."
"Or your cousin," Jin reminded him. "You never know. You could still be related. Distantly."
"I have my doubts."
"You keep your doubts, and your prize, so long as I get to keep the rest of you."
Gianni Versace himself had been by earlier to take Kame's measurements for the armour; as first runner-up, Ueda was to receive a custom-made shirt. Owing to the tremendous display of cowardice from almost everyone else, the king found it difficult to award the second runner-up prize - a silver necklace - to anyone, so in the end he decided to give it to Jin for having the most undignified tumble from the saddle.
"I think I'll get a lot of use out of my prize." Kame jumped as Jin's cold hands warmed themselves on his back. "Ueda told me he participated in dozens of tournaments as practice before he worked his way round here, and there were others interested in challenging my reputation if he failed."
Not wanting his crazy stalker to learn his location, Ueda had kept his identity a secret as he travelled, and where possible, had avoided staying with others. When Kame had seen him in the orchard, he'd been stopping off to grab a snack before setting up his own small tent, away from the lodgings meant for visitors.
"Oh no," Jin declared. "Not again. Next time you see a mysterious stranger in an orchard, you forget about the apples, turn round and ride right back here, and we'll volunteer ourselves for a diplomatic mission to the seaside."
Kame shivered. "In March?"
"You can't expect mysterious strangers to turn up in summer just because you want them to, Kame."
"You talk such nonsense sometimes, you know that? Anyway, all those others just want to beat me so they can..."
"Look good for the ladies?" Jin suggested.
"Exactly. I'm hoping that when they show up, I can just pass them along to some of the hundred or so women intent on marrying me. That'll solve both problems at once."
"You really do think of everything," Jin said admiringly.
Kame leaned forwards until his lips were a bare centimetre away from Jin's. "I'm only thinking of one thing right now," he murmured. "How you can congratulate me on my triumph."
"Well, I *do* have a few ideas..."
Just as Jin was about to put those ideas into practice, the door swung open to reveal Koki, Yamapi, Junno, Nakamaru, a slightly beaten-up Ueda, Shige and half a dozen others clutching dice, full plates and jugs of drink.
"We've come to help you celebrate your victory!" Yamapi said cheerfully. "Midnight feast!"
Kame groaned and pulled the blankets over his head so that he and Jin were completely covered. "I can't believe I'm being punished for winning a tournament..."
Fandom: JE (primarily KAT-TUN)
Pairing: Akame, with mentions of others
Rating: PG
Genre: AU, humour, fluff
Word count: 8,830
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Summary: Kame's reputation as a dragonslayer, saviour of damsels in distress and all-round good guy should guarantee him a stress-free life and an easy ride through the tournament to win a set of Versace-made armour. Not so, as life thwarts him with a jealous lover, their respective squires, a mob of obsessed fanmaidens and a mysterious stranger.
A/N: While in Japan, maya_morning and I had this wonderfully ridiculous conversation involving Akame as knights. I thought the comedy potential was too good to pass up, so here's the result.
True Heroic Fashion
"She followed me home," Kame tried to explain when yet another fair maiden turned up at the castle gates, demanding to see her rescuer. "I didn't encourage her at all, I swear!"
Jin didn't believe him, he could tell - there was a suspicious gleam in his eyes and Kame didn't like it one bit.
"You get all the girls," he sulked. "Why's this one fallen in love with you?
"Saved her from a pack of bandits while she was out riding with her handmaidens. Any fool could've done it."
Over in the corner of the courtyard their resident fool, Court Jester Junno, was juggling for the amusement of some of the younger squires. All went well until he accidentally hit himself in the nose with a ball; he dropped the remaining six and collapsed on the stone floor, a dazed smile gracing his features.
Kame frowned and turned away. "All right, perhaps not *any* fool..."
Jin's amusement at Junno's failure was shortlived. It wasn't as if the jester ever went out for a ride and ended up slaying a dragon on his way home, earning himself the gratitude of countless villages and more betrothals than he knew what to do with, oh no. That only happened to Kame, damn him and all his horses. Jin's own efforts at being terrifically heroic weren't often successful.
In fact, they were almost never successful, which was all the more galling when compared with Kame's string of accidental victories.
"She's still staring at you," Jin said. "If she stays by the gates much longer she'll get flattened by the king when he returns." He sounded quite pleased by the idea.
"And why aren't you out with the hunting party?" Kame asked. "I've only just got back - what's your excuse?"
"It's not that kind of hunting party."
Jin didn't elaborate but he didn't have to. King Takki was a fair ruler in public but his private tastes made his royal advisors weep. Every week, Nakamaru threatened to quit over some potential scandal or other and if it wasn't for the hefty pay increases he kept receiving for being the most sane, down-to-earth advisor of the lot, he'd long since have sought a new post.
Kame sighed. "It's going to get chaotic around here again, isn't it?"
"Of course it is," a new voice piped up, making Jin jump. "Everyone will be here for the tourney next week."
The newcomer was Jin's squire, Yamapi. One of the king's former acquisitions, he'd quickly latched onto Jin as the knight most likely to approve of his sleeping and eating habits and offered himself up for service. Thrilled by the thought of having someone around to fetch and carry for him again, Jin accepted, his previous squire, Kame, having been knighted himself for (accidental) services to the realm.
"I wish you wouldn't pop up without warning," Jin complained. "I won't be able to compete next week if I drop dead from fright."
Yamapi's smile couldn't have looked less sincere if he'd been trying. "Sorry. Should I start dressing like Koki instead?"
Koki was Kame's squire, a rough - yet gentle - young man, utterly devoted to his master, fond of wearing excessive amounts of jewellery and trim. He clanked when he walked, more so than if he was wearing armour, and it was impossible for him to sneak up on anyone.
"No," Jin said firmly. "One Koki is more than enough, thanks. If you start etching 'JOKER' on my breastplate I'll hand you over to the Archery Boys Club to use for target practice!"
"ABC won't use humans," Kame said. "Not unless you bribe them."
Jin pointed at the gate, where the pink-clad maiden was still waiting for her beloved hero. "Can we bribe them to do something about her?"
"Sir Kamenashi!" the girl wailed. "I'll be waiting for you under the cherry tree where we first met!"
"She's going to have a long wait," Jin growled.
Kame blushed and went to speak to the guards.
-----
When they weren't at war (and no one could remember the last one, it was so long ago), King Takki and his circle of friends, mostly landed knights and scholars, turned to sport for their amusement. Some merely spectated, content to place wagers and live vicariously through more adventurous men.
Kame, with his love of all forms of physical activity, was not of their number. His skill with both lance and blade was without equal; there were few who could match him for horsemanship.
Few, also, who wore such stylish armour.
"You're sure you don't want a regular visor?" Koki asked for the tenth time. "Your new one's not much good for protecting your eyes."
"I'm sure." Kame much preferred his shiny new mirrored visor. "Look, if the tip of the lance catches in the gaps, that still wouldn't do my eyes any good, would it? This way, my eyes are fully covered and my vision isn't limited to tiny slits.
"Besides, it looks much better."
"I can't argue with that." Koki stopped polishing Kame's helm to retrieve a cloth-wrapped bundle from the cupboard. "Got you a little something to celebrate. Here."
Laughing, Kame accepted the gift. "The tournament doesn't even start till tomorrow and you're already sure I'm going to win?"
"Every event you enter." Koki believed wholeheartedly in his master.
"I might have some competition in the joust - I hear Matsumoto's riding in for it."
Koki snorted. "He's only showing up because the prize is a suit of Versace-made armour. You can take him, easy...especially if you're wearing these."
Kame studied the studded black gauntlets doubtfully. Similar in style to those Koki wore, only with more generous decoration, the gauntlets were a trifle overdone for Kame's taste; moreover, they looked rather dangerous. He wasn't entirely sure he could don them without hurting himself.
"Uh...thank you. I'll be sure to wear them next time I have to intimidate someone."
That the praise was lukewarm didn't bother Koki in the slightest - the sun itself could not have outshone his smile. "I knew they'd be perfect for you," he said cheerfully. "Why don't you try them on?"
"Maybe later." Kame feigned a yawn. "I'm pretty tired after all those practice bouts. Sore, too."
"That's no good. You need to be in top form for tomorrow or you'll get hurt." Koki cleared off the blankets and reached for Kame's shirt. "Lie down and I'll give you a massage."
There were times, Kame thought, when his squire fussed over him far too much; however, he never said no to a massage. He allowed Koki to help him strip to the waist then lay face-down on the bed, anticipating warm hands on his back, gentle fingers kneading the skin with care.
There was a slight creak as Koki joined him on the bed, followed by the unexpected scent of apples.
"Yamapi lent me this really nice massage oil," Koki explained. "I think it's part of the king's secret stash."
Kame rolled his eyes at this and grunted as Koki's weight settled over him. "Not much of a secret, is it?"
Koki's hands always trailed over Kame's arms, over biceps and triceps sculpted by a master craftsman, touching them with reverence before beginning with the shoulders. "You've gained so much muscle lately..."
Mind already beginning to switch off, Kame murmured vague agreement and closed his eyes, figuring he could probably catch a nap while Koki worked on him. He wouldn't have much chance to do so tomorrow, that was certain.
He was snapped out of his blissful haze when the door flew open, cracking against the wall so hard it almost broke off its hinges. Through the doorway stormed an infuriated Jin, trailed at a distance by his squire.
"Stop!" Jin yelled. "I've heard enough!"
Kame pushed himself up on his elbows, knocking Koki aside in the process. "You shouldn't be hearing it at all! What were you doing, eavesdropping outside my door again?"
"I didn't have to," Jin spat. "I could hear Koki hitting on you through the wall. How can you lie there and let him put his greasy hands all over you?"
Not for the first time, Kame wished his rooms weren't right next to Jin's. He'd already had to get his door replaced twice since Koki had taken up residence. "He's giving me a massage, idiot, to help me relax, and you've just gone and undone all his good work."
"Oh." Jin's face fell. "If you wanted a massage, why didn't you ask me?"
Koki rose from the bed, clenched his well-oiled hands into fists, and gave Jin his best intimidating glare. "It's my job to help Kame relax, not yours. He doesn't need you anymore!"
What Koki didn't say, but everyone heard anyway, was the implied, "Because now he's got me!"
Jin had both a status and a height advantage over Koki; he wasn't going to back down, not when Kame was on the line. "Why don't you go sharpen Kame's sword for tomorrow or something and let someone his own rank look after him?"
If not for the delicious scent of apples the air would have been heavy with anger, sizzling like burning meat and tainted with jealousy's bitter sweetness. Ordinarily, Jin's possessive nature provided Kame with amusement, but sometimes things went one step too far...
"I was a squire too," Kame said icily. "Your squire, in fact. So I'll thank you to hold your tongue on matters of rank."
"You were different!"
Yamapi grabbed a fistful of Jin's vest, drawing him back towards the door before he could say anything else he'd regret. "You don't want to be knocked out of the tournament before you even compete, do you?" he muttered.
"Different how?" Kame said.
Jin pointed to Kame's standard, draped over a low table, bearing a dragon with a large red 'X' on its head. "How many other people kill a fire-breathing dragon, saving king and castle from becoming burnt to cinders, by throwing a ball at it?"
Kame shrugged. "It was a lucky shot."
Lucky shot or not, it had been enough for the king to knight Kame out of gratitude, bestowing on him a small duchy in the middle of nowhere so that he might have land to call his own. While on a journey to examine his new property, Kame had accidentally killed a rampaging boar that was terrorising an entire village; this deed, unintentional though it was, had earned him both a reputation as a hero and his first proposal of marriage.
"It was skill, not luck." Koki was very proud of his master. "More than you'll ever have." This last remark, laden with scorn, was addressed to Jin.
It was all going to end in a fight, Kame could see, which Koki would probably lose since Jin refused to admit losing at anything, and both of them would wind up battered and bruised with nothing to show for it. Damned if *he* was going to stick around to witness them battling it out for his affections.
He pulled on his shirt, snatched up a cloak, and made for the door, slipping easily past Jin and Yamapi. "I'm going for a ride," he said, and no one dared argue with him.
-----
Not many people frequented the stables in the evening, so Kame saw no one but a handful of extraordinarily pretty stableboys as he strode through the stalls till he reached the last but one. His favourite chestnut mare presented him with her nose for petting; he was happy to oblige.
"You never cause me any problems, Ran...unless I forget to bring you a treat!"
Treats were for later, once a brisk ride through the evening chill had cleared Kame's head. Dismissing the stableboys, he grabbed Ran's tack himself, readying her swiftly and without any of the fuss that usually ensued whenever Jin got near a horse. Jin was a decent enough rider but he had an alarming tendency to get bitten by anything in the equestrian line.
Kame walked Ran outside, answered a challenge from an overenthusiastic guard to prove he wasn't a horse thief, then had to sign an autograph for said guard before he was finally able to mount and ride through the gates in peace.
Ran wasn't to be used in tomorrow's event - Kame had a pair of chargers just chomping at the bit for some exercise - so there was no need to conserve her strength for morning. Still, Kame was in no hurry, taking her no faster than a trot, letting his mind soar free under the darkening skies.
He tried to keep his thoughts off the messy subject of Koki and Jin, but they refused to cooperate. When Kame envisioned the gleaming sapphires in the hilt of his new dagger, he remembered how Jin had given it to him as a birthday gift...and how he'd thanked Jin afterwards, tangled in the blankets, huddled together against winter's bite and keeping each other warm until morning.
He tried to banish that memory with another, one of the new Burberry cloak he'd bought last month, but even that was tainted by the recollection of how the cloak had been broken in - shielding his skin from prickles when the urge had overtaken him with Koki in the hayloft.
Kame's breeches felt uncomfortably tight; he shifted in the saddle and thought it was a good thing they'd dispensed with the requirement for knights to remain chaste over half a century ago. If they hadn't, he suspected there would be only a handful remaining, mostly those hopelessly in love with unattainable women.
He brought Ran up to a canter, letting her go wherever she pleased; it didn't surprise him that she headed straight for the orchard.
"I suppose you want an apple?" He received a gentle whinny in response. "Fine, we'll go get you an apple. I doubt the king will begrudge me *one*."
The orchard was fenced off but poorly guarded, fruit not being high on the list of must-have items for thieves, and Kame didn't expect to see anyone else around when he slipped the halter round Ran's neck and secured her to the fence.
The tall iron gates stood open; inside, a dark figure on horseback was barely visible in the fading light. Kame paused, watching.
It was customary to leave one's horse outside for the sake of the fruit - no rider native to the area would have done otherwise - so the stranger was probably new, quite possibly with one of the companies lodging nearby for the tournament. In that case, the orchard was forbidden him, and Kame was well within his rights to enforce the law.
But not without further investigation. The stranger didn't appear to be causing any harm - his horse showed no interest in the trees - and he hadn't, so far as Kame could see, even reached for one of the sweet, ripe fruits hanging so near.
So what did he want? Kame squeezed through the gates and crept closer, using the trees for cover, till he could make out the bundle of saddlebags giving the horse a camel-like appearance. The stranger seemed well-equipped: sword, battle-axe and shield, too heavily armed for a common burglar.
Kame wished he could see the intruder's face. A soft mask covered his features and most of his hair and heavy clothing concealed his shape; dressed like that, it was doubtful he was up to any good. He certainly wasn't a surveyor, not with those arms.
The stranger began to turn towards the entrance, so Kame flattened himself against the trees, silently drawing his dark cloak around himself to cover the white shirt beneath. He held his breath, all the while berating himself for hiding. He had every right to be there, didn't he?
But the masked rider was far better armed. Hiding was the smart option, not the cowardly option...right?
Or so Kame told himself. He watched the stranger's approach through half-closed eyes, listening for horse's hooves on the grass, and almost had a heart attack when the man's sword appeared in his hand. He'd drawn it from its scabbard in one fluid move, holding it straight out in front; for a moment, Kame thought he'd been spotted.
Then he noticed the apple, balancing delicately on the flat of the blade.
The stranger had caught it falling from the tree. He flipped it up, caught it with his other hand, dusted it off on his cloak and took a bite before sheathing his sword. He quickened his pace, riding back through the gates before Kame could even consider confronting him. If he noticed Ran tied up outside, he didn't care, taking off into the night with his single stolen apple.
Baffled, Kame returned home to find Jin curled up on his bed, fast asleep, and their respective squires playing with dice in Jin's room.
"He insisted on waiting," Koki complained. "It's his own fault he couldn't stay awake."
Yamapi poured himself another mead. "Don't expect me to wake him up. I happen to like being alive, thanks."
Kame cursed them both roundly and returned to his own room to try to steal his blankets back from Jin.
-----
Morning dawned, crisp and clear, which was more than could be said for either Kame or Jin. Jin had woken up in the middle of the night, cold where Kame had pinched the blankets, so he'd snuggled closer to Kame to get warm. With Jin's chilled skin pressing against his own, Kame had woken, not best pleased at the disturbance.
Jin's attempts to mollify him were quashed by Kame's 'not before a tournament' rule, but they did eventually manage some sleep. Kame dreamt of a black-clad stranger holding a sword to his neck; Jin dreamt of saving the world from fire-breathing dragons and impressing Kame - and everyone else - with his selfless heroics.
Come morning, both were tired and muzzy, still half-asleep when their squires entered with basins of water.
"We'll have to dunk them," Yamapi said solemnly, and Koki agreed.
Five minutes later, both knights were coughing and spluttering, vowing to have their squires executed on the spot for daring to haul them out of bed and push them face-down in the icy water. Their threats fell on deaf ears.
"You have to be out at the lists in an hour," Yamapi said as he pushed Jin towards the door. "You don't have time to kill us."
Kame slipped on the spilled water while trying to fix his hair. "Don't bet on it."
An hour later, all four young men were presentable, waiting at the designated field for the review to begin.
Unfortunately, the review had been finished for quite some time, and Jin and Kame took their places in the middle of one of the king's speeches.
Kame raised an eyebrow at Koki, who gave him an embarrassed smile and said, "The sundial must be broken."
"That's worse than one of Jin's excuses."
"Hey!"
Jin was shushed by Nakamaru, who'd ventured down the front to join the knights so that he didn't have to entertain the dowagers in the stands. Older women seemed to be irresistibly attracted to the shy advisor, but he became awkward and tongue-tied around them - unlike Kame, who could win the heart of any living female and, in one of his more unusual escapades, an undead one as well, though that particular story wasn't nearly as popular as the ones about him saving fair maidens from a fiery fate.
"What did we miss?" Kame murmured.
In hushed tones, Nakamaru filled them in. "The king decided over dinner last night that there will be no mêlée this time - too many fatalities - so we're only having the joust. No teams, either. Prizes go to the best three individual competitors."
Kame looked at the two companies of men waiting to compete - one, composed solely of locals; the other, a team of loosely allied visitors - and tried to calculate how long it would take for all of them to have one-on-one matches. "Does he realise how long it'll take for all of these men to have three turns against each other?"
"Yes, which is why we started two hours ago. You showed up just in time for drinks. Didn't the messenger tell you?"
"Messenger?" Kame glared at Koki and Yamapi, who were pretending to take an interest in Nakamaru's new robes. "I was out last night. Perhaps my squire can explain to me why he didn't pass on the message?"
"I...uh...well..."
"If you don't explain yourself in ten seconds you're sleeping in the corridor for the rest of the year."
Jin didn't like that idea. "You can't make Koki sleep in the corridor!" he protested. "He'll catch cold!"
"You mean, if he's lying in front of my door you won't be able to sneak in during the night," Kame said.
"That too," Jin conceded.
"It wasn't Koki's fault." Nobody heard Yamapi because he was talking down to his boots, so he had to repeat himself. "I said, it wasn't Koki's fault. The messenger got distracted - he never gave us the message."
"Distracted?" Nakamaru said. "By what?"
"Us," Yamapi said. "We were all playing strip dice and Shige lost six times in a row."
By mutual silent consent, the subject was dropped. Kame made a mental note to invite Shige to his parties in the future.
"So," Jin smiled brightly, "what did we miss?"
Kame flagged down a tray-bearing servant and confiscated drinks for everyone - two for himself - while Nakamaru gave them an update on the tourney so far.
"The first round's almost over - you two only just made it in time." Nakamaru sipped his drink. "Koyama was so upset about the teams being disbanded that he refused to participate as an individual. Ryo kept bragging about how he was going to win, but Ohkura unhorsed him in seconds. That Matsumoto fellow trounced Yasuda, then complimented him on his nail polish."
"Matsumoto won his first round match, then?" Kame asked.
Nakamaru nodded. "Easily. He's really good, Kame. A lot of the visiting knights are."
Jin hated to lose at anything. "I can't wait to try them!"
"I hate to break it to you, but you're not going to get the chance." Kame knocked back the rest of his drink and slung his arm around Jin's shoulder. "We're the last two entrants for the first round - that means we're against each other."
-----
Even against Kame, Jin was fiercely competitive. If they were going to face each other at all, he'd have wanted it to be in the finals, but since life (and one messenger who'd fainted from a heavy nosebleed) had conspired to arrange matters otherwise, there was nothing for it but to go all out. If Jin did any less than his best, he wouldn't be satisfied and Kame would accuse him of throwing the match.
"Remember, don't go for the face," Yamapi warned as he handed Jin his sturdy oak lance. "If he gets so much as a splinter, his fans will have you hanged."
Jin snorted. "Never mind the fans, he'll do it himself."
Sir Kamenashi's cheering section comprised eight dozen beautiful women (and a couple of men) of varying ages and origins, most of them swearing up and down that they were his betrothed and they could prove it. One of them even claimed they were already married, but no one was inclined to believe him. They were all waving flags bearing Kame's arms; no other competitor had anything remotely like such a crowd.
Kame had apologised beforehand. "I don't know where they all came from," he'd said. "I remember saving that one from a fire, and reading poetry to that one to calm her nerves after a thunderstorm...oh, and that one, I helped after she was thrown from her horse..."
Irritated, Jin had grabbed his squire and stormed off to prepare.
Jousting wasn't the life-or-death matter it used to be. Having a ringed tip cut down on the injuries considerably, opponents unhorsing each other (mostly) without blood, though the fall was no less painful and there was always the risk of someone losing an eye. It went without saying that Jin had no intention of harming Kame or any of the other friends he would now have to face, but visitors were fair game.
"Try not to fall off Pin," Yamapi advised. "You're liable to get stepped on."
Pin, Jin's sturdy black destrier, wasn't the smartest horse in the stable. Jin didn't care. Pin loved him and that was what counted.
"You're in no position to make fun of my horse," Jin said. "Not unless you want me to ride you for the joust."
Yamapi grinned. "Talk to me after you win."
Over at the other end, Kame was struggling to disengage himself from his squire so he wouldn't accidentally trample him on the way.
"You're sure you've got enough padding?" Koki fretted. "You're still so thin!"
Kame was so well-padded it was a miracle he could squeeze into his armour at all. Breathing was a challenge; speaking, an exhausting adventure. "Trust me, I've got enough. Kousaku could walk all over me and I'd be fine."
Kousaku, one of Kame's chargers, wasn't out-sized by any means but he ate enough for four horses. While his appetite was something of a joke round the stables, it gave him great spirit.
"You still need to be careful," Koki said. "Jin'll probably drop the lance anyway, but he might get lucky."
"He won't drop it. He's better at this than you think, Koki."
Koki didn't look convinced. "Maybe so, but if you even think about letting him win..."
Kame smirked as he accepted his lance from Koki. "Not a chance. There's Versace armour at stake."
The final match of the first round began with more fanfare than any of the previous bouts - owing largely to the presence of a small orchestra in the retinue of one of Kame's supporters - and Jin's fans, also female but more varied in rank, had no qualms about making some noise for their favourite. One of them had to be ejected from the field after ripping open her bright red bodice and flashing the crowd; the king merely yawned but everyone else applauded.
Thanks to Kame's oddly-designed visor, he didn't get much of a peek but he got the general idea of what was taking place when Koki complained about his ex-girlfriend having the bad taste to be cheering on Jin's side.
"I thought she was classier than that," he grumbled.
Under his helm, Kame's eyebrows were headed towards his hairline. "Classy. Sure. Like none of these-"
"...hose!"
At the interruption, Kame looked round to discover Matsumoto Jun berating his squire as they walked past.
"There is a rent in my brand-new hose." The chill in Matsumoto's voice could've frozen the sun itself. "My brand-new Armani hose. You will ride back to our lodgings and fetch me a replacement pair immediately."
The unfortunate squire ran off, muttering under his breath that it was only a loose thread and that his diva of a master could damn well sit bare in the saddle for all he cared.
"Beat him in the final," Koki said. "For all our sakes."
Kame nodded and got into position. Down the other end, on the opposite side of the barrier, Jin did the same. The signal sounded and the horses ambled towards each other, their riders sitting straight in the saddles, gripping their lances firmly and mentally preparing themselves for impact.
Silence from the crowd. Even Matsumoto had turned to watch, sizing up the men who might be his future opponents.
Jin and his horse both had a weight advantage over Kame, but Kame was the better horseman, and he shied just enough that Jin's lance scraped his side without unseating him. His own glanced off Jin's shoulder, higher than he'd meant it to, knocking Jin back against the reinforced saddle though not enough to push him out of it.
Neither tilted any more successfully on the second try: Jin acquired a nasty bruise on his ribs and Kame's breastplate took a pounding, but both remained astride.
If, after a third turn with a lance, there was no victor, then they would move onto three strokes with a sword, and there the risks rose greatly. Kame was determined to take Jin down by tilting, because if he didn't, the odds were good that the two of them would do a lot more damage to each other with edged weapons. No armour was worth that, not even when it was made by Versace.
Kame took a deep breath, hoped that Jin would forgive him, and hit him full force in the right shoulder. Leaning to the left with his own lance, Jin overbalanced, slipping his feet out the stirrups, sliding down the saddle till he crashed to the ground.
A groom rushed over to take care of the horse; Yamapi did the same for the rider.
"Are you all right?" he asked as he helped Jin to his feet.
"I want a rematch," Jin grumbled. "I wasn't ready."
Kame escaped his mob of fanmaidens to check the damage for himself. "You could always tell everyone you let me win," he said. "And when I take the final, everyone will see my skills and think yours must be absolutely amazing. Isn't it better to lose to me, then, than to some visiting knight?"
"To lose in the first round?"
"Well..." Kame could see why Jin wasn't impressed. "That's hardly your fault." He glowered at Yamapi and Koki, who stared hard at Shige, who remained totally oblivious over in the stands. "If we'd been woken in time..."
"No rematches," the steward announced. "The second round will begin as soon as the field is clear." He looked pointedly at Jin and his entourage.
"Go make yourself comfortable in the stands," Kame said kindly. "Cheer me on?"
"Comfortable?" Jin said. "With a shoulder that's been completely destroyed in the name of your desire for all things fashionable?"
"You're exaggerating so I'll pity you."
"Yes. Is it working?"
"Yes, but not enough to make me declare you the victor." Still armoured, Kame couldn't kiss anyone without squishing them, so he settled for squeezing Jin's hand.
"Ow! Are those new gauntlets?"
They were, and the studs were most unkind. Kame opted not to mention that they were a gift from Koki - Jin would only take it personally.
"I don't care about his gauntlets, I just want you to get off the field so I can announce the next match," the steward said. "It would be nice to hold the finals before the end of the year."
Jin took the hint, taking weary, deliberately slow steps off the field, Pi trailing behind to help him off with his armour. Kame made to do the same, but the steward stopped him.
"Not you," he said. "You're the first match of the second round, opposite Matsumoto Jun."
"Tell me you're not serious," Kame said. "I've just finished my first round match!"
The steward gave him a thin-lipped smile as he walked away. "I'm always serious."
Matsumoto, too, was serious. For all his fuss and frills on the ground, when he was on horseback, he was a force to be reckoned with - torn hose or not.
Happily, Kame was able to remain oblivious to Matsumoto's pre-joust jibes, coldly sarcastic verbal blows designed to soften him up by breaking his spirit, because Koki had had the forethought to prepare earplugs. Kame waved the taunts away, explaining that his hearing went occasionally because Jin was so loud in bed; this had the effect of shutting up not only Matsumoto but everyone else in the immediate vicinity, all of whom were desperate to hear more.
All except Koki, who prodded Kame back towards Kousaku and urged him up into the stirrups. He wasn't keen on the topic, especially when his room led off Kame's and the walls weren't always thick enough. It was, perhaps, just as well that Jin was removing his armour in the tent, and not around to hear Kame talk about him.
He made it back in time to watch Kame knock Matsumoto down first, with an almost-illegally low blow in the vulnerable spot between plates. The visiting knight picked himself up, sneered about Kame's lucky shot, insulted the cut of Kousaku's saddle and declared that as the best-dressed man in the kingdom, he, Matsumoto Jun, would never lose to anyone who thought Burberry cloaks were stylish.
The insults fell on deaf ears. Kame accepted a new lance, hoping to put a significant dent in Matsumoto's pride to match the one in his leg. There was no arguing that the man deserved it. Yelling at his squire over a trifle, okay, but mocking Kame's fashion sense?
Kame sat ramrod-straight in the saddle, showing himself undaunted by Matsumoto's cheap cracks, but this proved to be his undoing. The lance took him low, winding him badly; he doubled over, forgetting that to do so in plate armour could only ever lead to catastrophe. The resulting crash made his earplugs fall out.
It wasn't often Kame found himself on the ground. The spectators were horrified. One maiden even fainted, landing on Nakamaru and embarrassing him half to death. Ryo gleefully swooped in to take her off his hands.
"Kame!" Jin yelled.
Yamapi had to grab him round the waist to stop him going down to offer assistance. "He'll either get back up on his own, or Koki will help him. You're not allowed to help."
"Koki shouldn't be allowed to help either," Jin sulked, but he remained where he was, watching as Kame got to his feet, waved to the crowd and climbed back on his horse. Kame had never liked messing around - when it came to feats of bravery, he always threw himself straight in, marching forwards before he had time to stop and think about it. Kame would always get right back on the horse. Every single time.
The final turn would decide it. Kame had to win. He just had to.
He rode forwards, crouching low, aiming high. If Matsumoto had a heart at all, that's what Kame was aiming for and he hit it dead on. The impact jarred him almost as badly as his opponent; Kame dropped the lance, but by then it was too late - Matsumoto was on the ground, spitting venom even as he clutched his chest. His four closest friends took to the field to carry him off, put salve on his bruises and see him through a bad case of helm-hair.
Slightly dazed, Kame dismounted, somehow managing not to stumble as his boots hit the ground. Koki caught Kousaku's reins, handing them to the groom, then took Kame's elbow to lead him away to rest.
"You beat Matsumoto in the second round," Jin said when Kame reached him. "Getting to the final should be a piece of cake."
Kame settled down to watch the rest of the round. "Let's hope so. I haven't seen the other visitors yet."
The remainder of the second round passed without incident, other than some slight drama when Tegoshi's opponent started screaming hysterically and had to be dragged off by the guards, and Kame didn't see anyone who was likely to pose a problem for him...not until the final match, in which Maruyama lost horribly to one of the visiting knights, a black-armoured stranger.
"Who was that guy?" Jin whispered. "Did they announce him?"
Kame shook his head. "I don't think so. He must've been hiding out in the tents since we got here because I don't remember seeing him at all."
But Kame *did* remember him from somewhere. Not the face, which was completely covered, nor the form, which was indistinguishable beneath layers of padding and metal, but the style of movement... With a start, Kame realised where he'd seen the man before. Last night, in the orchard.
He tried asking the people around him, but no one seemed to know the knight's identity. The only information anyone had to offer was that he'd beaten Masuda in the first round, striking him so hard he'd practically flown off his horse. He had yet to regain consciousness.
"I hope someone beats him before he gets to you." Jin sounded more serious than Kame had ever heard him. "Maruyama's still bleeding and those ribs have got to hurt."
"My body can take a lot of damage," Kame assured him, but he shared Jin's feelings on the matter. Winning was important...but so was staying alive.
-----
Thanks to some perversity on the steward's part, the stranger had the first match of the third round as well, taking Yokoyama down in a single turn, rendering him unable to remount his horse and continue.
After that, the event took a rather strange turn. The next match, between local boy Ohkura and the visiting Aiba, failed to produce the expected thrills the crowd were hoping for when both men failed to connect with their lances at all. Aiba dropped his twice so it was decreed that he had lost; Ohkura's annoyance seemed to be less that he hadn't managed a hit, and more that he hadn't thought of dropping his own weapon.
By the time Murakami was facing down Ohno, it was obvious to everyone what was going on. Nobody wanted to win and risk meeting the black knight in the next round, so they were all trying to lose. Not too many of them managed to get themselves hit, however. The only person on the field actively trying to win, other than the mystery man himself, was Kame, and his third round opponent, Yara, happily accepted even a glancing blow as an excuse to fall from the saddle, albeit in a stylish and acrobatic manner.
Such transparent cowardice dampened the spirits of the crowd in general and Jin in particular.
"I'll sing at your funeral," he promised Kame. "I could even dance, if you want me to."
"Don't bury me yet, Jin." Kame took a savage bite of his chicken wing. Lunch was being served al fresco today. "What makes you think I'll lose?"
Jin wasn't always the quickest to take hints, but he knew he was in trouble this time. "It's not that I think you're going to lose," he said, "but no one else has been able to beat this guy and all of them have been badly hurt. I just don't want anything to happen to you."
"I'm not going to lose," Kame promised. "I've got an awful lot of people to avenge."
The quarter-finals came and went, almost everyone desperate to lose, and Kame's easy defeat of Ninomiya in the semis put him up against the black knight in the finals.
"You're sure you don't want me to sing at your funeral?" Jin asked as they watched Sakurai being carried away to have his arm bandaged. "I take requests."
"I humbly request that you stop being so negative and start believing in me. Why can't you be more like Koki?"
Koki looked round briefly upon hearing his name, then turned back to Kousaku, to whom he was murmuring compliments about Kame's prowess in all walks of life. The horse didn't care how amazing Kame was so long as he continued to be generous with treats.
Jin pulled a face. "Why would I want to be more like Koki? He follows you around like some greenhorn lordling in love with his nurse!"
"I don't think you're really in a position to be making accusations about that," Kame said acidly. "Not after I got back last night to find you in my bed again. Asleep. Hogging all the blankets."
"I'd have been awake if you hadn't been out half the night," Jin said. "What were you doing all that time? Riding halfway across the kingdom?"
"Was it really that late?"
"I didn't go to your room until almost eleven, and I managed to stay awake at least an hour after that."
"Because you were looking for my diary."
"Because I was looking for your- no, because I was looking through your jewellery to check that Koki hadn't stolen any of it for himself."
Kame refrained from pointing out that the person who most often raided his jewellery collection was Jin himself; he was too curious about where the time had gone. He hadn't spent *that* long in the orchard, had he?
"I was spying in the orchard," he said at last.
"Because the kingdom is at risk of being overthrown by apples and you've been ordered to secretly monitor their activities?"
Jin's faux-shock gave Kame a much-needed laugh. "Nothing *quite* that weird." He explained about watching the stranger catch an apple on his sword, and the dream he'd had afterwards. "I'm sure that's my opponent for the finals," he finished.
"He'll have to unmask eventually," Jin said. "He hasn't been announced at all, but someone here must know him or he wouldn't have been allowed to compete in the first place."
"Good point. I wonder why he's keeping his identity a secret?"
"When you beat him, you can ask him."
"Oh, *now* you think I'm going to win?"
Jin's smile bordered on smirking, he was so pleased with himself. "It's obvious, isn't it? You saw him in the orchard, you were so entranced by him that you lost time while you were watching him, then dreamt about him last night. The two of you are supposed to meet in the finals, and then when you win, he'll reveal himself and explain the mysterious connection between you - namely, that he's your long-lost brother!"
"I've already got three brothers, thanks - I don't need another one."
"You're arguing with destiny, Kame." Jin sneaked a peek at the black knight, who was petting his horse; everyone else was keeping their distance. "If he's not your brother, he should at least be your cousin. Even your second cousin would do."
Kame groaned. "I don't want a mysterious cousin, either! Where are you getting these ridiculous ideas from?"
He never got to hear Jin's reply because the steward came up to usher him down for the finals, bearing the surprising news that the black knight had requested - and been granted - the right to begin with three strokes of the sword. If there was no clear victor after that, the lance would be second, followed by the dagger, the battle-axe and as many weapons as it took for one of them to win.
"We could skip all that and go straight to fists?" Kame suggested, but the steward wasn't a boxing fan and refused to relay the idea.
"Go on." Jin patted his shoulder, because squeezing it would've bruised his fingers. "Find out who the mystery man is. You'll be a hero."
"He's already a hero," Koki said proudly. "And he's going to-"
The rest of Koki's speech was drowned out by cheers from the fanmaidens, but Kame figured it was probably something about how much of a beating he was going to give the black knight. He ducked out of the crowd, mounted, and accepted his sword from Koki.
"Sir Kamenashi!" one of the maidens screamed. "When you are victorious, take me as your bride! Our children will have the faces of angels!"
"You don't want to marry me if I lose, then?" Kame muttered under his breath.
Similar shouts could be heard from all over the stands, on the grounds that as no one knew who Kame's opponent was, they had only one choice to cheer for. Even the king, who was supposed to remain impartial, flashed him a smile; half-a-dozen pages swooned at the sight.
The black knight turned to Kame, shrugged, and mounted his own horse, now much lighter without the travel bags and weaponry. Kame wished he could see the eyes behind the visor, but the slits gave nothing away. Even though he was surrounded by people, all of them screaming his name and cheering him on, he felt a little intimidated.
It would help if his opponent spoke, but no one had heard him utter so much as a single word. There was no way to tell what he was thinking. Kame suspected it was something along the lines of, "I'm going to destroy you."
The steward gave the signal; Kame swallowed down the lump of anxiety starting to form in his throat and gripped the hilt of his sword tightly as Kousaku ambled forwards, the horse eager to get this pesky tournament business over with so he could get back to eating.
He's quick, Kame reminded himself. Not heavy, but powerful. Should I try to block? Or is it safest if I avoid him altogether?
There wasn't much time to argue it out with himself. The black knight fetched Kame a blow right across the chest that would've knocked him out of the saddle had his feet not been firmly in the stirrups. Kame was thankful Koki had insisted on excessive padding - it deadened the impact enough that he was able to avoid such nasty things as broken ribs and collapsed lungs. His own sword swung uselessly through empty space where his opponent had been only seconds before.
No need to change weapons. Kame caught his breath, counting himself luckier than his predecessors in that he still had that option. He didn't dare look at the crowd. Shouts of encouragement, predictions of doom and marriage proposals flew past; he ignored them all.
On the second turn Kame was quicker, bringing his sword up to block rather than trying to topple his opponent. Thanks to Kousaku's unexpected turn - Koki held up a nosebag to distract him - the black knight's blade merely scraped Kame's, force muted to minimal impact.
Kame silently thanked his squire, though keeping Kousaku from running towards the food was no easy task. "Later," he murmured to his horse, and that seemed to work. Kousaku wasn't a genius but when it came to eating, he understood pretty well...even if he hadn't yet managed to grasp the idea that Jin's arm wasn't food.
Final turn. Kame didn't want to start all over again with a fresh set of weapons. He put everything he had into it, heedless of the damage he might sustain, driving forward so vigorously that he almost fell out the saddle. After all, it wasn't through cowardice that he'd slain dragons, saved exotic princesses and rescued villages from certain doom. It was through sheer stubborness, the courage to act on his principles...and a lot of luck.
His luck held this time. As the black knight extended his own sword, Kame struck his exposed shoulder with the same force he'd used to take out a dragon with nothing more than one of Junno's juggling balls. (The dragon had previously sustained a bruise on the forehead owing to a bad landing - Kame had, by sheer coincidence, struck the same tender patch, though he wasn't to know this.)
Kame's opponent didn't fall, but he did drop his sword to clutch his shoulder, which was enough for it to be declared Kame's victory. Panting, Kame dismounted. Koki rushed to attend to his master.
Everyone else had the same idea, especially those who'd been placing wagers and had just made a lot of money on Kame. Jin fought his way through the mob, Yamapi covering his back and apologising to the people who accidentally got trampled on, till he reached Kame's side. The only person not rushing over to Kame was Nakamaru...because he was tending to his opponent instead.
"You know him?" Kame asked breathlessly.
Nakamaru helped the black knight off with his helm, revealing an attractive young man with full lips and flippy red hair. "Kamenashi Kazuya, meet Ueda Tatsuya. We grew up together."
Ueda smiled, momentarily blinding anyone who happened to be looking at him. "You knew it was me?"
"Of course," Nakamaru said. "How else do you think you got into this tournament without identifying yourself? If I hadn't seen you riding through the gate and vouched for you, you'd never have been allowed in."
"I did wonder why no one even asked to see my face," Ueda mused.
The amiable, slightly odd man under the armour wasn't at all what Kame had been expecting. He'd thought he was up against some kind of sadistic brute, based on the injuries dealt those unlucky enough to lose to Ueda - not someone who could be a friend to Nakamaru Yuichi, the most harmless man in the kingdom.
"So why all the secrecy?" Kame said. "Embarrassed to be caught competing to win armour from Versace? You're not one of those Gucci purists, are you?"
"I didn't want the armour; you're welcome to it." Ueda shrugged carelessly, then winced when the pain in his shoulder made itself known. "I wanted to see if I could win against the man who slays dragons for a living."
Kame smiled awkwardly. "I...it's not that I do it for a living...I just...kind of..."
"Kame just has that sort of luck," Jin interjected. "But the dragons know better than to come around here now."
Ueda's tone registered mild irritation. "Dragons were next on my list."
"He wasn't as bloodthirsty when we were children," Nakamaru said. "I think boxing made him too competitive."
"Nothing wrong with being competitive." Jin couldn't all very well have said otherwise without being called a hypocrite by the others. ""I still don't see why you wouldn't show your face, though." He was suddenly struck by an idea. "It wouldn't be because you're secretly Kame's long-lost brother, would it?"
The look Ueda gave Jin plainly indicated that he thought the other man was a couple of trees short of a forest. "Not that I know of. Actually," his face turned slightly pink, "I'm being stalked by this crazy princess..."
-----
"You'd make a terrible soothsayer," Kame said as Jin slid under the blankets with him. "Predicting that Ueda was going to be my brother."
"Or your cousin," Jin reminded him. "You never know. You could still be related. Distantly."
"I have my doubts."
"You keep your doubts, and your prize, so long as I get to keep the rest of you."
Gianni Versace himself had been by earlier to take Kame's measurements for the armour; as first runner-up, Ueda was to receive a custom-made shirt. Owing to the tremendous display of cowardice from almost everyone else, the king found it difficult to award the second runner-up prize - a silver necklace - to anyone, so in the end he decided to give it to Jin for having the most undignified tumble from the saddle.
"I think I'll get a lot of use out of my prize." Kame jumped as Jin's cold hands warmed themselves on his back. "Ueda told me he participated in dozens of tournaments as practice before he worked his way round here, and there were others interested in challenging my reputation if he failed."
Not wanting his crazy stalker to learn his location, Ueda had kept his identity a secret as he travelled, and where possible, had avoided staying with others. When Kame had seen him in the orchard, he'd been stopping off to grab a snack before setting up his own small tent, away from the lodgings meant for visitors.
"Oh no," Jin declared. "Not again. Next time you see a mysterious stranger in an orchard, you forget about the apples, turn round and ride right back here, and we'll volunteer ourselves for a diplomatic mission to the seaside."
Kame shivered. "In March?"
"You can't expect mysterious strangers to turn up in summer just because you want them to, Kame."
"You talk such nonsense sometimes, you know that? Anyway, all those others just want to beat me so they can..."
"Look good for the ladies?" Jin suggested.
"Exactly. I'm hoping that when they show up, I can just pass them along to some of the hundred or so women intent on marrying me. That'll solve both problems at once."
"You really do think of everything," Jin said admiringly.
Kame leaned forwards until his lips were a bare centimetre away from Jin's. "I'm only thinking of one thing right now," he murmured. "How you can congratulate me on my triumph."
"Well, I *do* have a few ideas..."
Just as Jin was about to put those ideas into practice, the door swung open to reveal Koki, Yamapi, Junno, Nakamaru, a slightly beaten-up Ueda, Shige and half a dozen others clutching dice, full plates and jugs of drink.
"We've come to help you celebrate your victory!" Yamapi said cheerfully. "Midnight feast!"
Kame groaned and pulled the blankets over his head so that he and Jin were completely covered. "I can't believe I'm being punished for winning a tournament..."