[JE] Happiness is a Stuffed Sheep and a Pair of Stalkers
Title: Happiness is a Stuffed Sheep and a Pair of Stalkers
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame/Koki/Jin, in various combinations
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, angst, humour
Word count: 10,440
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Summary: When you have a perfectly good relationship with a guy who adores you, why waste time with one who gives you creepy stares and gets jealous at the drop of a (fabulously stylish) hat?
A/N: Inspired by the Bryan Adams song, 'Run to You', particularly the lines "She's got a heart of gold she'd never let me down//But you're the one that always turns me on, keeps me comin' round." Koki does have a heart of gold, especially where Kame's concerned, but there's no denying that Jin has a knack for attracting people.
Happiness is a Stuffed Sheep and a Pair of Stalkers
Koki's everything Kame could ever want. He's kind, gentle, playful, and absolutely devoted. For all that he tries to seem the tough gangster, when it comes to Kame, Koki's no tougher than a marshmallow, and twice as sweet.
Kame's got no reason to look elsewhere. None whatsoever. Koki comforts him when he's down, encourages him at every turn, worries about him when he's not eating properly - he's part mother hen, part-stalker.
-----
"You're getting thin again."
Kame shrugs. "I'm always thin. It's not like I'm not eating."
"I wouldn't know; you keep sneaking off into corners for lunch." Koki pulls out his phone, scrolls to one of the many pizza places Nakamaru has insisted he have the number for, and holds his thumb over 'send' like he's waiting to push the detonator on a bomb. "What do you want on your pizza?"
"Koki-"
"I'm not letting you out of your apartment till I've watched you eat every slice, so you might as well pick something good. I'll pay."
Kame hates to wipe the hopeful grin from Koki's face, but they're running late for an interview as it is. "We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago," he says.
Koki is embarrassed but remains undeterred. "Then we'll go after work. Three course meal. Maybe after a few of those, you'll be able to take your shirt off during the encore without the front row counting all your ribs."
"It's a date!" Kame says brightly, in a rush to get moving before he receives an angry phone call demanding to know his whereabouts.
It's only once Kame's donned his hat and sunglasses and is halfway out the front door that it dawns on him what he's said...and it's not until he's sitting in a restaurant and holding Koki's hand under the table that he realises he meant it, too.
-----
But if Koki's a stalker, what does that make Jin, with those constant gazes in Kame's direction? Jin's always watching him. Kame can see it in all the photos. He'll be smiling, laughing, posing like the cool professional he tries so hard to be, and Jin will just be watching him like he's the most precious thing on Earth and it doesn't matter who knows it. Those looks are possessive - hungry, even - and even when they were both Juniors, all raw and unpolished, Jin liked to make it clear that Kame was his.
Jin's always been selfish. He's capable of great generosity when he chooses, and he has a heart that can encompass the world when he wants it to, but basically, he doesn't like to share. Kame isn't for sharing, or so Jin tells him when Kame gets on a little too well with members of Kanjani8, or messes around with Yamapi on the Nobuta set, or goes out with any of the beautiful older women who adore him.
But there's just something about Jin that makes Kame lose all sense of reason.
-----
"You can't go," Jin says. It's two days after Kame's nineteenth birthday and Kame has just been invited out for the evening by a dozen of the guys from the Gokusen cast. "We were going to stay in and watch movies at my place tonight."
Kame is busy in front of the mirror, wiping away the make-up from yet another staged fight. The pile of used tissues beside him look like they belong to someone having a nosebleed of fatal proportions. "We can do that anytime," he points out, not turning away from the mirror. "You should come out with us for a birthday celebration. It'll be fun."
"I've already bought the popcorn!"
Smeared make-up still covering half his face, Kame finally turns round. Jin is straddling a chair in the corner, arms crossed over the back, sullen pout firmly in place. Kame's not in the mood to indulge him.
"Jin, we didn't even make proper plans! You asked me last week, I said it sounded like fun, and that was it. So don't try to make out that I'm standing you up. You're not some jealous girlfriend - why do you have to act like one?"
Jin snarls something undecipherable, stands up and spins the chair into the wall as he storms off.
Kame does go out with the guys that night, and he has fun...but early next morning, he finds himself on Jin's couch, eating stale popcorn and watching subtitled American movies, laughing at Jin's running commentary and ignoring the nagging voice inside him that says they're going to be late to the set.
-----
Kame ignores Jin's temper tantrums and fits of sulking easily. He isn't obliged to do otherwise, not anymore, and it's the sulky, childish, petulant Akanishi Jin who leaves for America, strained by their debut and stretched so thin he thinks he'll go crazy if he has to do one more photoshoot.
When Jin returns, it's too late. KAT-TUN have grown while he's been away - they've matured and thrived under pressure, transformed from coal to diamond. It takes time for Jin to work his way back in, and it's hard, rejoining the group mid-tour and with commercials, the usual photoshoots and interviews and their brand-new TV show hitting him all at once.
They all try to help him, of course. No one wants to screw things up now, not when they've worked so hard. Jin soon sees the extent of the burden he's left on Kame's shoulders...and there's no hiding who's been helping him carry it.
-----
"Why Koki?" Jin demands. "When did that happen?"
"Jin, I don't think this is really the time-"
"Why not me?" Koki says, earning himself an exasperated look from Kame at the interruption. "And it's none of your business, Akanishi. You weren't here!"
"You swooped in when Kame was lonely and vulnerable and-"
Kame smacks him lightly round the back of the head. "When would I have had time to be lonely, idiot? I was too busy working!"
His protests that he wasn't lonely go right past Koki, who says, "And whose fault is it he was lonely? Who ran away only half a year after we debuted because he couldn't handle it? Who selfishly left by himself instead of staying and trying to work things out?"
Kame wishes Nakamaru was there, because he has always made the best peace between them, but the other three members of KAT-TUN have wisely vacated the dressing room before the tension in the air can drive them all crazy. He's sure it's only a matter of time before Jin either throws Koki out or walks out himself. Locking them both in a room together and letting them fight it out might be the best option. It always used to work for he and Jin, though their fights, especially as they grew older, inevitably ended with a rough sort of manly hug, an awkward clash of limbs where they both tried to pretend they weren't feeling anything.
He sees both sides and wants to take neither, but that's not an option. He has to make things clear to Jin.
"Koki, can you leave us alone for a bit?" he asks.
Jin's scowl softens, ire morphing into hope, but Kame can't let him believe he has a chance. Because there *is* no chance, really. Nothing is ever simple where Jin's concerned, and Kame's life is already too complicated. He likes what he's got with Koki - the easy companionship and certainty, the knowledge that if he's busy, Koki won't get resentful, and that Koki will never start screaming at him in the middle of a restaurant because he's getting too close to someone else.
Even so, there's a trace of uneasiness in Koki's face when Kame asks him to leave. "I don't mind, but-"
Kame shuts him up with a kiss, making sure Jin gets a good look at the way Koki responds, leaning in with the comfortable familiarity that's developed over the last few months. Koki's eyes flutter closed but Kame's remain open; they lock with Jin's as Kame breaks away.
"I'll see you later," Kame says to Koki, but it's Jin who leaves first.
-----
Kame does his best to keep his private life private but somehow everybody knows anyway. Perhaps Koki's blatant declarations of love on national television have something to do with it. In any case, the two of them have a number of fanservice-heavy photoshoots together and nobody seems too concerned about it - except Tanaka Juri, who keeps asking if he's going to have to make out with boys when he gets older too. (Koki sends him to Takki for one of those 'Now you're a Junior...' talks and hopes he comes back less screwed-up than Yamapi.)
The only other person who gives a damn whether or not Kame and Koki are cozying up off-camera too is Jin, and even on-camera, he does his best to detract attention from their sickeningly snuggly affair.
It wouldn't be so bad, Kame thinks, if Jin would just come right out and admit how he feels, because then he'd at least have the option of rejecting him. But it's plain that Jin's not entirely sure how he feels and is working on some primal, possessive instinct, looking longingly at Kame but never managing to articulate why.
And as long as Jin stays silent, Kame can pretend he's unaffected.
-----
"You look good," Kame comments, flipping through the pages of Jin's latest POPEYE shoot. "Very debauched."
They're in Kame's apartment after spending a pleasant afternoon filming a segment together for a Gokusen reunion skit; having gone out for food afterwards, it seemed only natural to continue the evening in each other's company. Kame's apartment was closer so here they are now, a few beers down the line, lounging around on the floor.
"Why've you got a copy, anyway?" Jin mutters.
Kame gives him a look.
"Oh yeah. Fashion magazine. Right." Jin stubs out his cigarette in Kame's well-used ashtray, not looking half as urbane with it as he does for the camera. "You've probably bought every issue ever published."
Kame has, but the only ones he's kept have been the issues with himself and his friends in. He flips through Jin's latest, from time to time, and thinks they could probably use the pictures to illustrate the word "sultry" next time the dictionary gets reprinted.
"Most likely," Kame agrees. "I don't keep many issues, though."
Jin gives him one of those slow, seductive smiles that works so well in front of the camera. "You'll be keeping that one, right?"
"Hmmm." Kame pretends to think it over. "Maybe. There were some interesting hairstyles in there that I'm thinking about trying."
Jin reaches up and grabs one of the couch cushions, chucking it at Kame, and both of them dissolve into giggles. POPEYE suffers the consequences - there are nasty creases down a couple of pages - but Jin says he's got spare copies anyway...one of which was intended for Kame.
"Like I need more pictures of you," Kame says. Somehow, Jin has managed to worm his way into a great many photographs of Kame over the years, and some of them cannot be shown to anyone without Kame being asked if he has a stalker.
"You should have lots more pictures of me! I'll take some now." Jin fumbles unsteadily on the coffee table, almost knocking over a pair of empty bottles. "Where's my phone?"
"You left it at home," Kame reminds him. "It was the first thing you said to me this afternoon."
"Oh. Then I'll use your phone. Where is it?"
Kame considers pointing out that if Jin really wants to take pictures, he could use Kame's actual camera, but decides that given the alcohol they've consumed, the phone would be cheaper to replace. "Jeans pocket. I'll get it."
Jin ignores him, rolling across the floor so that they're both on their sides, lying face-to-face, and casually slides a hand into Kame's back pocket.
Kame can feel the blood rushing to his face. "Not that pocket."
"My mistake." Jin slips his hand out again but rather than retreat, he trails it up Kame's back, coming to rest just at the nape of his neck.
Nobody breathes. Kame tells himself to break away, to tell Jin he's overstayed his welcome and he'll see him tomorrow, but he inches closer instead, hooking one leg over Jin's to pull them together, aligning them at the hip.
He's not supposed to do this. He doesn't need to do this. He's got Koki, who adores him and would willingly give him everything of himself - he doesn't need someone who acts before he thinks and doesn't always consider the consequences, who's paranoid enough to be jealous over a stray glance, who doesn't seem to understand that Kame isn't his.
But that's not quite true. It never has been. There is something in Kame's relationship with Jin that no one else can touch, not even the rest of KAT-TUN, and it's been with them since they were a pair of awkward teenage boys. It's stayed with them through fights and tears, through struggles and triumphs, and it's visible when they catch each other's eyes.
There's a question in Jin's eyes now...and behind that, desire. Kame responds to both, tangling his hand in Jin's hair and pushing him down with his lips. Jin ends up on his back, one hand still at Kame's nape while the other reaches between them to unfasten their jeans. They've drunk enough to make them amorous but not enough to slow them down, and Kame wants it to be over quickly so he can get it out of his system.
Get Jin out of his system.
But when he's got Jin flushed and panting beneath him, hungry for everything Kame's got to give, he knows that's an impossibility.
-----
Koki knows when Kame's upset, and Kame knows when Koki knows because suddenly there are a lot more messages on his phone - nothing overt, just hinting at Koki's general availability if Kame feels like getting together, or suggesting a trip to Disney in case Kame is in need of some innocent fun. Kame appreciates the messages, as he does Koki's willingness not to push the issue, to wait until such time - if ever - Kame wants to enlighten him.
Kame is usually good at facing bad situations head on, but this time, he wants to hide his head in the sand and wait for it to go away. There's no way he can avoid hurting Koki if he tells him.
It's never mattered before, if he's slept with someone else. If either of them has. There were girls, in the beginning, and there still are from time to time, but there's casual fun and there's relationships and Kame knows how to separate the two. He's practical - he knows he'll get married someday, father a couple of wonderful kids and teach them to play baseball, because it's what's expected of him and he does actually want that for himself. Where Koki fits into that future, he's not sure. They've never discussed it, but they figure they'll get lynched by fans - not to mention, their management - if they try to get married before the age of thirty, so it's fine that they don't think about it.
Besides, getting caught with a girl every so often is the done thing, and Kame tries to make sure that he's at least presentable for the blurry photos in the scandal rags. The sunglasses are everything.
Getting caught with Jin, however, would finish off both their careers, and if anyone - including Koki - finds out, the risk of a leak increases.
So Kame keeps quiet, lets the guilt bubble up inside him when he sees Koki...and worse, when he sees Jin, though Jin seems happy enough. No regrets, no apologies, merely a self-satisfied smile like the cat who didn't just get the cream but got to have a really hot one-night stand in the dairy too.
And it *is* a one-night stand. Kame is adamant about that.
-----
"Why don't we go for a massage?" Koki suggests one weekend. "My shoulders are really tense." He's lounging on Kame's bed, completely relaxed, without so much as a hint of tension anywhere in his body.
Unlike Kame, who has been pacing the floor for the last ten minutes, resisting Koki's best efforts to get him to settle down. It's obvious Koki is making the suggestion for Kame's benefit alone.
"I could give you a massage." Kame perches on the edge of the bed. "Work out the tension." He's done it plenty of times before, mostly in dressing rooms while they've been working.
"You..." Koki grins and shuffles forwards so that he's sitting next to Kame. "It's supposed to help *you* relax."
Out of force of habit, Kame lets his arm trail back so it falls behind Koki. "Me? I don't need one." At Koki's plain disbelief, he adds, "I'm just a little tired, that's all."
Koki immediately leaps up and starts looking for his cap. "I should go and let you get some sleep - I'm sure you'll feel better if you get a proper night's rest for a change. Even Kame-chan can't keep going forever."
"It's only eight o'clock!"
"And we don't have to be anywhere until eleven tomorrow morning. You can get all the rest you need." Koki passes him one of his stuffed sheep to take to bed. "This little guy can keep an eye on you while I'm not here."
Kame hugs the sheep to his chest and traps Koki's leg between his own when he tries to walk off. "That much sleep will probably kill me. Stay for a while?" He doesn't mean it to be a question, and he doesn't know what he'll do if Koki does stay, but they haven't seen much of each other outside work lately and Kame feels bad about that.
Koki's best efforts to free his leg are futile, so he topples them both backwards on the bed and tries to pin Kame down. The sheep gets in the way.
"I'm not giving up," Koki vows. "I can't lose to a sheep plushie."
"It'll completely ruin your reputation!"
Kame manages to forget for a while - he and Koki tussle like two kids at play, complete with hair-pulling (Kame has a clear disadvantage here), flying elbows (half of Koki's collection of bling disappears down the side of the bed) and biting (though these are not bites that five year olds should be giving each other). It's a good distraction, both of them laughing, messing around like there's nothing wrong and Kame hasn't been keeping secrets.
But it doesn't last. The sheep winds up across the room, standing on its head; Kame is flat on his back with Koki lying against his side, both dishevelled and slightly breathless.
"Shall we call it a draw?" Koki asks.
"I won."
"You know you didn't win. You must've been spending too much time with Akanishi - his competitive streak's rubbed off on you."
Kame hopes his face isn't too red. Jin never admits to having lost at anything, which is perhaps why he refuses to give up on Kame.
"I won," Kame repeats; Koki doesn't argue. If anything, the sheep won, because it gets to avoid the awkward conversation that Kame's gut tells him is coming.
It takes two minutes of uneasy silence before it begins.
"Kazuya, if you don't want..." Koki falters, then tries again. "If I'm the problem...if you're not happy..." He scratches his head, giving Kame an embarrassed smile. "Ah, I probably should've planned this out."
"What makes you think I'm not happy?"
"You've been walking around for weeks like you're carrying your entire apartment building on your back, only it's invisible so you can't tell anyone about it."
Koki's analogy is disturbingly accurate. Jin doesn't weigh anywhere near as much as a building, obviously, but he tends to have an impact of that size, whatever he does.
"It's..." Nothing to do with you. "It's not like that, Koki. And you're definitely not a problem."
"You're not good at letting anyone else help you," Koki says, "but if there's something I can do, even if it's just listening..." He trails off with a sigh.
"That's very sweet of you," Kame pauses to turn and plant a kiss on Koki's chin, which is as high as he can reach from that position, "but it really is okay."
Koki's expression says he believes Kame about as much as he believes Junno when he swears he's only pretending to misread the atmosphere. "I just want you to be happy."
"Stop worrying about me so much for a change," Kame suggests. "Want something for your own happiness instead."
"I like to see your smile." Koki's mumbling, turning his head away to reveal pink-tipped ears. "That makes me happy."
Kame wonders if his own happiness contributes in any way to how Jin feels. It probably doesn't. Koki doesn't want anything from him except what he's prepared to give.
Jin wants everything, whether Kame's willing to give it to him or not.
-----
It only takes another week for Kame to crack. Not about telling Koki - he's decided that no good can come of it and acting like his usual self is the best way to proceed - but about Jin. He has to tell Jin that thanks, it was fun, but it's never going to happen again and it's probably safest if they don't drink by themselves for a while. Maybe then Jin will stop giving him those looks, the ones that make it pretty clear he's thinking about Kame in any number of interesting positions.
It's the obvious choice. The safe choice. The practical choice. Don't wreck a perfectly good relationship over a temporary lapse of sanity.
What Kame tends to forget is that where Akanishi Jin is concerned, lapses of sanity are a frequent occurrence.
-----
"Was it better than when you do it with Koki?" Jin wants to know when Kame shows up at his apartment one night. "Because you seemed really into it."
"I was drunk and stupid and you were there," Kame says. "Don't read too much into it."
"Not so drunk you couldn't call me by my name."
"I'm not that inconsiderate."
Jin snorts. "Right. You're such a considerate boyfriend. Koki's real lucky to have you."
Because Jin's got a pretty face and a nice smile, people forgive him for being mean, but he's got a nasty tongue sometimes and he uses it to push all the right buttons. Kame winces, like Jin's picked up a knife and nicked him just over the heart, not deep enough to do real damage but more than enough to hurt.
He sits down on Jin's long, white couch, dropping heavier than he'd meant to - it's going to be a long night and Kame's already tired. "I'm not here to talk about Koki."
"That's fine, because I don't want to talk about him either." Jin sits down next to him, closer than Kame really wants. "In fact, let's not bother talking. You don't seem to be in a chatty mood." He brushes Kame's hair back behind his ear so he can nuzzle the side of his neck, letting his tongue trace a wet path along the collarbone.
Kame lets him. I'll stop him in a minute, he thinks. I'll push him away and tell him it's not going to happen.
It's comfortable, with Koki. It's like hot chocolate and candy and fluffy white clouds. Koki's so focused on being whatever Kame wants him to be that he starts to lose himself, becoming a part of Kame. When Kame's feeling down, he'll wrap himself up in a Koki-shaped blanket and snuggle away the blues.
With Jin, it's intense. Jin doesn't forget who he is for a second, and he won't let Kame forget either. It's like Kame's been standing on the edge of a cliff all his life, and it's only when he's with Jin that he takes a step into the abyss to find there's actually a bridge. There are few certainties between them. It's a given that Jin prizes his freedom and if Kame tries to take it away from him he'll kick up a fuss...but it's also guaranteed that Jin will want everything Kame has to offer, and he'll want Kame to want it too.
And Kame does want it. Badly.
"We shouldn't be doing this," he says between sloppy kisses and rough caresses, but Jin's hands are unbuttoning his shirt and sliding inside and Kame doesn't feel like talking anymore.
"Give me one good reason," Jin replies.
Kame wants to say "Koki"; Jin is unlikely to accept that as a good reason, however, so Kame makes sure he doesn't feel like talking either. Five minutes later, Jin's incapable of anything more than breathy, desperate moans, and his fingers tangle in Kame's hair where it tickles his thighs. Kame likes those sounds, likes the way Jin tastes, and likes the way Jin licks himself off Kame's lips when he's done.
And when Jin returns the favour, Kame says, "Just this once." He thinks he means it. Jin's smirk says he knows better.
There's no room for guilt when Kame's entire world shrinks to the wet warmth of Jin's mouth and all he can think about is how Jin's tongue swirls and teases like he does this for a living. Kame thrusts forward, trying to get Jin to take him deeper; Jin's hands find his hips, push him back on the couch so that he can't move. Jin likes to do things at his own pace, regardless of what Kame might want.
Sometimes that pace is maddeningly slow. Jin takes his time, sucking Kame off so leisurely that if Kame was an ice cream, he'd have melted by now. He melts anyway, all hot and bothered with his jeans down to his knees and his sweat-soaked shirt pushed back over his shoulders. Jin's apartment is always too warm. Kame's skin sticks to the couch and some dimly aware part of him thinks that they should move to the bed because it's easier to launder sheets than to clean the couch, and he knows Jin won't think of these things.
But that means moving, and Kame can't move right now, not even to touch Jin. Not that Jin seems to care. He's a little preoccupied.
Kame bites down on his lip when he comes, trying to keep some measure of control over himself, but everything else relaxes and he sinks limply against the cushions.
"Calmed down yet?" Jin asks. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and slides back up on the couch next to Kame, so he can look him in the eye without getting a crick in the neck.
"You always ask people that after sex?"
"Only the people who walk in here so tense they're going to explode in a matter of minutes unless I get them to relax."
"So you...what, defused me?" Kame can't help but laugh at the image of Jin trying to dismantle a bomb. "Was I really that bad?"
"You were..." Jin takes a deep breath. "I thought you were angry at me. You looked like you were."
Kame kicks his jeans and underwear off the rest of the way, because he feels kind of stupid with them tangled round his knees, and makes Jin strip off too so he doesn't trip up when Kame takes his hand and drags him off to the bedroom.
"I'm not angry at you," Kame says, "even though you asked me if the sex was better with you or Koki the second I walked through your front door and your nosy neighbour could probably still hear us.
"I'm angry at myself."
"Because of me?" Jin's more serious than Kame's ever heard him.
"Because I can't say 'no' to you." Kame kisses him chastely, nothing but a graze of lips, backing him up till his knees hit the bed. "I should be walking out of here right now."
"Like this?" Jin runs a hand down Kame's bare side to indicate his state of undress. "One of my neighbours will love you for it but the other one will call the cops."
Just so long as she doesn't call Koki, Kame thinks.
"I'm not interested in giving your neighbours a show."
"They don't deserve one anyway," Jin says. "They all complain about me making too much noise."
One night, Kame promises himself. Just one night. This is nothing more than scratching an itch; nothing for he or Koki to be worried about. Jin's trying to help him relax and Kame's letting him because Jin's his friend and he trusts him. He cares about him.
You want him.
Ignoring the small voice of self-recrimination that seems to have set up shop in the back of his mind, Kame reaches for Jin's nightstand drawer and the tiny bag of supplies he knows is tucked right at the back where Jin's mother won't find it when she visits. While he's sure it wouldn't be news to Mrs. Akanishi that her firstborn is having sex, he doesn't think she'd appreciate having tangible proof.
"Let's give them something to complain about," Kame says.
But Jin is unexpectedly quiet and even the careful probing of Kame's slicked fingers fails to provoke more than strained gasps and the occasional ragged moan. Jin is being typically contrary - now that Kame wants to hear him, he won't cry out - and it only makes Kame more determined.
"Don't tell me you're losing interest now."
"Not me," Jin gasps out. "But, Kame?"
"What is it?"
"Do you..." Jin's voice is very small - subdued even. He sounds lost. "Do you wish it was Koki here with you now?"
"In your bedroom?" Kame has to feign a laugh because he's not sure he can muster up enough nonchalance for a real one. "Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?"
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I know." Kame opens one of the small foil packets. "But I don't want you to be anyone other than yourself."
"Good. Roleplay always makes me confused."
Kame's certain Jin's being deliberately obtuse on that point, but he does seem to be brightening up. That's Kame's cue to keep going, pushing in slowly, watching Jin's face for signs of discomfort and waiting until he gives Kame the okay to move. It's all still new to them, learning the feel of each other's bodies and discovering the effect of every little touch, whereas Kame knows Koki's very well.
"All right?" Kame murmurs.
Jin shifts beneath him, slides his hands over Kame's back to urge him closer, and Kame knows it'll be okay. He's free to annoy Jin's neighbours as much as he likes now.
-----
"Just one night" turns into "just one more night", because Kame can't do the right thing and break it off with Jin. He can't do the wrong thing and break it off with Koki, either. Jin doesn't ask him to - he never even mentions Koki when they're alone now - but Kame knows it's not fair to either of them. Nobody's getting what they deserve, much less what they want, which wouldn't be so much of a problem if Kame could actually figure out what he wants.
Every time he vows to end it with Jin, he thinks of a dozen reasons to do just the opposite - all of which boil down to one single explanation: he doesn't want to.
It's not a relationship of physical pleasures alone, though they do play a large part. Kame genuinely enjoys spending time with Jin - has done, ever since they were small boys who used to bike round the neighbourhood together, who used to go for ice creams after dance practice and talk about where their careers might take them. Jin's funny and quirky and when he's in the right mood he can talk for hours, telling Kame self-deprecating stories about his misadventures in LA and making up imaginary trips for the two of them to take all over the world. Kame likes to listen but he likes to watch more, to wait for Jin's real smile, which is as sweet and beautiful as it is rare. When Jin smiles like that, Kame knows he's genuinely happy, not trying to pretend for the cameras.
Koki's happiness is easier to obtain, because when he's with Kame, Kame's happiness is his happiness. It's simple, and Kame never asks himself what else Koki might want, because Koki will never tell him.
None of this gives him any easy answers. There is no simple solution, no means by which Kame can avoid hurting anyone. He's not looking for a heartbreak; falling out with his bandmates won't help either.
It isn't until he thinks back on his reply to Jin ("In your bedroom? Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?") that he realises perhaps the answer has been staring him in the face all this time. Kame thinks he might be able to handle it.
The question is, can Koki and Jin?
-----
It's not a topic of conversation suitable for a public arena, so Kame lures Koki back to his apartment one evening with an offer of a home-cooked meal. It's not difficult - Koki would've gone even without the food, but Kame can cook and he thinks there's something pleasantly comforting about fixing a meal for a friend.
Besides, it's not polite to get mad at the host who made you dinner, so Kame figures he's protecting himself at the same time.
When food and dishes are both a distant memory, Kame takes a seat opposite Koki and wonders how the hell he's supposed to start this kind of conversation. By admitting straight out that he's been seeing Jin, acting like it's no big deal because hey, he and Koki never agreed that they weren't going to see other people, and saying he's going to keep doing it? Or by suggesting, in a roundabout way, that maybe the two of them should spice things up a little by inviting a friend to join them?
He rejects both ideas immediately: Option One would only prolong the current situation; Option Two might make Koki feel inadequate.
"If you like my shirt that much you can borrow it," Koki says suddenly.
Kame blinks. "If I...what?"
"You've been staring at my shirt for the last five minutes." Koki's shirt has a bunch of blinged-out cartoon dogs on the front. "I know it's nice, but I didn't think it was *that* fascinating."
"Oh." Kame shakes his head. "It's not the shirt." He doesn't want to have to launch into all that "we have to talk" nonsense; the straightforward approach is the quickest. The words still trip over his tongue, though. "I...Jin and I...we...together...uh..."
"I know."
Of all the potential responses Kame could've received, that one hadn't been on the list, especially since he hasn't managed to say anything yet. "How?" he asks cautiously.
"He told me."
"Oh," Kame says again.
"Two weeks ago."
Kame's not sure what to say to that, largely because Koki's tone is strictly neutral, not giving away his feelings about the situation. He settles on, "And?"
Koki shrugs. "It wasn't like he was bragging or anything. He just told me straight out and said it was upsetting you...but it was making you happy too."
Kame finally manages an answer comprising more than a single word, though not by much. "He's right."
"Kazuya, if you'd rather be with him-"
"That's not the case!" Kame bursts out. "It's not 'rather'."
"So you..." Koki shakes his head in bewilderment. "What *do* you want?"
"Koki, if Jin told you two weeks ago, why didn't you say anything to me?"
Koki won't look at him. "I didn't know if you were serious or not. If you're happy, it doesn't matter to me what you do."
"It should." If he stretches his leg, Kame can just graze Koki's ankle. On autopilot, Koki rubs back against him. "I know we don't discuss this," 'this', being their relationship or arrangement or whatever the hell it is that they have, "but I like it. I like being with you.
"But I don't want it to be at your expense."
"Kame, if I wasn't happy with the way things are don't you think I'd have said something? When have I - when have any of us ever kept our mouths shut?"
He has a point. The six young men who make up KAT-TUN are not known for being tactful, or being patient, or shying away from conflict. Some of them hide it better than others but when they feel strongly about something, everybody knows. It leads to a lot of fights within the group...but it also means that when they present a unified front, they can do absolutely anything.
"I know you, and I know you can't just leave a problem unresolved forever; I didn't say anything because I thought you'd tell me yourself eventually - and you're doing that now. It wouldn't have done any good to push, would it?"
"No," Kame agrees. "I didn't have an answer then. Let me ask you something. If I said I didn't want to give either of you up, would you get mad?"
"If you..." Koki looks uncomfortable. "If we kept going the way we are, with you slipping off every so often to Akanishi's place and coming back to me when you're done with him? Yeah, I'd get mad."
"Good. Tell me why."
"Because," and now Koki's turning so pink he could be a mascot for NEWS, "it's not fair. It might be fun for you, and if it really would make you happy I might be able to accept that, but I don't think you've got the time to juggle both of us and it would all end badly. It's not even as if you're keeping up two full-time relationships - you see me when you want, and that's fine, but you see Jin when you can't help seeing him, and that's not fair to him.
"You know what it's like for a selfish, possessive guy like that, with his mile-wide jealous streak, to be someone's dirty little secret? I don't," Koki falters for a second, "I don't want to lose you to him, but I don't think he deserves to be treated like that, either. He needs more from you and he still wants to be with you even knowing he's not going to get it."
There's more than a trace of admiration in Koki's voice and it makes Kame grin. Koki's very big on the concept of endurance, of being able to withstand anything for the sake of the people he cares about, and whatever he might think about Jin, it's obvious he respects the self-restraint that Jin is showing for possibly the first time in his life.
"I know I'm not being fair to him," Kame says quietly. "And I don't like feeling guilty when I'm with him, either."
Before Koki can make some sort of speech of self-resignation and walk out like a gracious loser - it's all on display, Kame can tell by his face that he's about to do it - Kame rises from his chair and plants his hands on Koki's shoulders to stop him leaving.
"So I thought about it. A lot. And you know what I came up with?"
"You're ditching us both and moving in with Ueda?"
Kame starts laughing then so he has to release Koki's shoulders. "Nothing like that. You're right, I don't have time to date both of you and make it have any kind of meaning, so I've decided to save time and see you both together."
"What?"
Kame pulls out his phone, flips it open to call Jin and when Jin answers, Kame doesn't give him time to argue. "Oi, Akanishi. Drag yourself away from your Heroes DVDs and get over here. We're going drinking."
When he hangs up, Koki stares at him as if he's crazy. "This is your great idea? All three of us? Together?"
"You don't have to pay for Jin's drinks," Kame assures him. "You can stop offering to pay for mine, too."
"That's not what I'm worried about! Going out for a meal, drinks, whatever - that, I can get my head round. I think. But unless your new plan involves us all being celibate..."
Kame shrugs. "We figured it out with two; I'm sure we can figure it out with three. Just pretend we're in Arashi. See what happens and if it's too awkward, we'll rethink it."
Koki doesn't look convinced.
"I know I'm being selfish," Kame says, "and I don't expect things to go smoothly. I know it's asking a lot from you guys.
"But won't you try?"
When Jin finally shows up, Kame has to explain his decision all over again. They never do go out for a drink. Jin works his way through all the juice in Kame's kitchen because his mouth keeps going dry and Kame pours cup after cup of coffee, which only makes them all nervous and irritable.
They don't talk so much as they argue. When Kame starts to feel like a piece of property, he throws them both out and tells them to go home and think it over.
-----
A few days of strained silence later, Koki and Jin come to Kame to tell him they've discussed it. They're not thrilled by the idea, though they appreciate Kame's logic. They also understand that things cannot continue as they are.
"One date," Kame offers. "Let's go out for a meal and see what happens. If the two of you end up stabbing each other with your chopsticks, I'll admit it was a bad idea."
But it isn't as if the members of KAT-TUN never eat together. Kame is smart to make their official "first date" a normal, everyday activity because it removes a great deal of scope for tension. There is no stabbing with chopsticks, no throwing of ice cubes. They sit at a round table and try not to knock each other with their elbows.
Koki talks about buying a puppy, which prompts Jin and Kame to trot out their own dog stories. Jin tells them about a new band one of his American friends has recommended, so the conversation turns to music - a subject close to all their hearts. Kame talks about the food, the cute hairstyle their waitress is sporting, the storm they're supposed to have on the weekend...everything except what they're going to do when they leave the restaurant.
In the end, it's not an issue. Jin gets a panicked phone call from Yamapi and has to leave early on the grounds of a hair-related emergency, so Koki says he has to get going too. Kame walks home by himself and shops on-line for a couple of hours before falling asleep.
Following the success - sort of - of their "first date", Kame pushes for a second. He figures it's safest for now if he picks the activities, so he chooses a movie. Definitely no horror (he doesn't want Jin to run out screaming), no romance (who goes to see a romance movie with their male friends?), and nothing that requires a lot of thought (he's not sure he's got the concentration to spare right now). They go for an action movie, all blasts and bullets. Kame sits in the middle, lets Jin steal his popcorn, and steals Koki's in turn. They don't have to talk, which means they can't argue.
Between them, they have so much food that they don't run out till halfway through the movie. Once their hands have nothing to hold, they don't move. Kame thinks he feels phantom fingers along his thigh once or twice, but whenever he sneaks a peek at Koki and Jin, both of them have their fists clenched, resting firmly on their own legs.
Kame's not sure whether or not he can call it a success. When they walk out, he can't even remember anything about the movie, and not for the right reasons.
"Do you guys want to-"
"I have to get going," Koki blurts out, muttering an excuse that Kame can't quite catch; he's out the door without so much as a farewell.
Jin looks after him in amazement. "Did Koki just say he was going to Colombia to buy ten kilos of flake?"
Kame's pretty sure that whatever Koki said, Jin's guess doesn't even come close. "You've been watching Miami Vice reruns again, haven't you?"
"Crockett's got a great car," Jin admits, disposing of the remains of his drink as he prepares to leave. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Once again, Kame is home alone by half past nine. He busies himself with tidying away all his new purchases, half of which he doesn't remember, and falls asleep still clutching the receipts.
-----
There is no third date, as such. Kame goes down the subtle route, enlisting the help of Nakamaru, Junno and Ueda. He invites everyone to gather at his apartment one night on the pretext of holding a discussion on their concert costumes, and after about an hour, gives a sly signal to let the three people he's not dating know that it's time for them to leave. Before either Koki or Jin can escape, Kame's slipping the chain on the door and blocking the exit.
"Set-up!" Jin declares.
"Of course it is," Koki says. "Kame's sneaky."
"It's the only way I'm going to get the two of you to stop running away from me." Kame returns to his chair, gives them both a stern look. "Nobody's going anywhere until we get past this."
"I hope your kitchen's well-stocked," Jin says.
It's not just a matter of dragging them both into the bedroom and ordering them to strip. Kame's not planning anything so ambitious. He just wants them to get used to the idea of touching each other for something other than fanservice, the way they touch him. For that, they have to want it.
The best way to make Jin want anything is to give it to someone else, so Kame switches seats, settling down on the couch next to Koki. Jin, cross-legged on the floor, casually leans back against the wall.
"I'm not asking you to do anything impossible," Kame says. Or so he hopes. "I don't expect miracles."
When Koki opens his mouth to respond, Kame moves in, snaking an arm round Koki's shoulders and drawing him near for a kiss. It doesn't last long; Koki pushes him away, glancing at Jin.
Kame pats the empty space on his other side, then extends his hand to Jin. "Why don't you join us up here?"
Based on Jin's expression, Kame guesses that he's trying to decide if he can make it to the front door before Kame blocks him.
"You don't have to do anything - just come sit next to me, okay?"
Jin does, though reluctance is written all over his face. "This is too weird."
"Yeah," Koki agrees. "It's like being on camera or something - having an audience."
"We don't have an audience," Kame says firmly, emphasising that there are three of them and no observers. "Unless one of you has voyeuristic tendencies that you've never mentioned, none of us is here to watch."
He expects Jin to crack a joke about it, because it's the sort of thing he likes to pass comment on, but the opportunity slips by.
It's obvious nothing is going to happen unless Kame starts it. He seizes Jin's right hand with his left, doing the opposite to Koki, keeping a gentle grip on both. There's nothing particularly weird about it. They all link hands to bow at their concerts; it isn't so different from that.
Not until Kame begins to stroke with his thumbs, brushing softly as far as he can reach. He doesn't get any response at first, but then Koki squeezes his hand and Jin twines his fingers with Kame's, so he takes this as a positive sign. He brings their joined hands together across his legs, unlatches his fingers and pushes their hands together between his own.
Jin tries to pull away; Kame refuses to let him, clamping down with his fingers to keep him in place. He realises, belatedly, that trapping Jin's hand like this probably isn't a good idea. Jin's lazy but he likes to have the freedom to move if he needs to.
Still, it can't be helped. Kame needs Jin and Koki to touch, and handholding is the least objectionable activity he can think of.
"I started," he points out when no one moves. "It's somebody else's turn."
Jin and Koki give each other wary looks, clearly not quite sure what Kame wants them to do.
Hopeless, Kame thinks, and whispers a suggestion in Koki's ear. Koki grins wickedly, leans half over Kame and stretches across to tickle Jin's collarbones.
Jin squeals, trying to get away, but with his hand still between Kame's and Koki's, he can't move very far. He ends up yanking Koki even further across the couch, leaving the three of them sprawled in a heap and Koki complaining that his shoulder feels like it's half out of its socket.
Kame takes advantage of the mess to free his hands; he has to climb over the back of the couch to get out from under Koki and when he makes it round to the front, Koki's tickling Jin without mercy as payment for his shoulder. Unlike Kame, Jin is horribly ticklish and the entire world knows his weak spot. Kame watches them for a few minutes, amused right up until Jin starts hiccupping and has to get a glass of water.
"Don't think having a fit of hiccups is going to get you off the hook," Kame warns.
Jin glares at him and goes to refill his glass.
On the couch, Koki massages his shoulder, groaning and grimacing in such an exaggerated fashion that it's obviously fake. Jin mutters an apology when he returns sans hiccups, which prompts Koki to return the gesture at even lower volume.
"If you're done apologising, can we try again?" Kame asks. He's not optimistic, not when the others look like they'd rather swim with sharks than stay in his apartment another second. "I think we were starting to get somewhere."
"It's just too weird with three of us." Koki gets up and shoves his hands in his pockets. "Kame, I want this to work for you, but..."
Jin picks up the thread. "I don't know where to put my hands, my mouth, or anything else. It's like I'm starting all over again and I don't know how to move, what to touch or who to touch."
"There aren't any rules to follow," Kame says. "Same as anything else: you do what you want. You always do, Jin."
"Yeah...but not with Koki!"
There's a nasty headache developing somewhere behind Kame's eyes and it takes a great deal of restraint to keep his temper in line. He likes it when things are perfect, but he knows this is never going to be perfect and it annoys the hell out of him.
"Why not?" he snaps. "You had him pretending to kiss you and go down on you on-stage, so you obviously don't mind the idea."
"I'm not putting on the wig again," Koki says vehemently. "That thing itches."
"You know fanservice isn't the same as real life, Kame," Jin says. "Unless there's something you'd like to tell us about your relationship with chairs."
Kame brushes aside the implications of that one. "My point is, you're hardly strangers to each other - and you're certainly not strangers to me. Come on, how many years have we known each other?"
Jin starts hiccupping again. Kame goes to fetch him another glass of water and by the time he returns, Koki's gone.
"You did that on purpose," Kame says when he hands over the water and Jin's no longer got the hiccups.
Jin doesn't deny it.
-----
It isn't long before life becomes impossibly hectic for KAT-TUN and nobody has time to worry about their love lives. They're all too busy with rehearsals, and travelling, and concerts, and change after change of clothing. Kame makes no further attempts at throwing Jin and Koki together - there's no time and there's nowhere to go - so the three of them carry on more or less as normal.
"More or less", in that they don't touch each other more than they have to for the fans and even Junno's getting more sex than they are - mostly with girls who bear a remarkable resemblance to himself in one way or another.
It's an exhilarating time, full of cheering fans, the beat of the music, the energy that rolls off the crowd in waves and gives them the strength to carry on long after they should be exhausted. Every time they tour it's amazing; the last night, most of all.
For a change, Jin hits every note he aims for, manages not to trip over anything, and finishes with more energy than he started with. Maybe because it's the last night, or maybe because Kame's so hyper that he's pulling everyone up with him.
Koki watches in amazement as Kame performs a flawless series of backflips along the stage while wearing four layers of clothing. "How is he doing this?" he whispers to Jin.
Jin shrugs. "Superpowers?"
"Stamina," Kame says when he catches up to them. "Something Jin doesn't know much about."
Koki cracks up and has to hide behind a barrel so he doesn't ruin his ultra-gangsta pirate coolness; Jin glares daggers at both of them and flounces off to talk to Ueda.
Minor quarrels aside, the night goes very well, ending with a third encore and a natural high greater than anything some of their more wayward senpai have ever slipped into their drinks. Kame's practically flying by the time he gets back to the dressing room, towel draped over his bare shoulders and sweat trickling down his spine. He bounces through the door and makes a dive for a cold drink, holding it against his forehead for a moment before he pops the cap.
Koki follows, similarly shirtless, and throws his towel down in the corner before collapsing on a chair. He looks exhausted but it doesn't dim his manic grin one bit.
They have two dressing rooms between them, and as Ueda has made the executive decision that he, Junno and Nakamaru have had enough of dealing with the tensions of their troublesome trio, Koki, Kame and Jin are all banished to the same room.
Jin doesn't quite bounce but there is a definite spring in his step - a lot of it, relief that it's all over again and life won't be so physically demanding for a while, but there's good cheer there too and he's beaming brighter than an Arashi PV when he walks in.
Kame loves to see this side of Jin - the natural performer who loves his work and likes to make others smile. Jin's genuine joy has always attracted people to him because it lights up the entire room. It's a beautiful sight, all the more so because it's frequently hidden under the confused tangle of thoughts and feelings that make up the psyche of Akanishi Jin.
Naturally, Kame can't let it pass by, this moment. Tomorrow life goes back to normal...but tonight, the sparkles aren't just on the costumes and the excitement will go on till morning.
To his surprise, Koki beats him to it. It's Koki who backs Jin up against the door he's just closed, pressing hands to the wood on either side of his shoulders. Koki who kisses Jin so deeply that Jin's hands clench into fists, nails digging into his damp palms. Koki who steps back, leaving Jin with a pleasantly hazy gaze and lips slightly parted.
Something inside Kame growls, suddenly ravenous, but it's not food he's interested in. He reaches past Jin and locks the door - not that he thinks anyone is likely to be able to shift the combined weight of the three of them - and leans in to take a turn of his own. As Kame finds Jin's lips, he feels Koki's against his cheek, and then a pair of hands removing the towel from round his neck and wiping him down.
Jin's sweating as well, black tank top drenched from on-stage exertions, so Kame slides his fingers under the hem and pushes it up; up, over the trail of dusky hair leading down into faded denim, over firm muscle and not enough fat, over large, dark nipples and prominent collarbones till Jin raises his arms and lets Kame remove the top entirely. Koki moves in then with another towel, though he's wasting his time because every tender swipe over Jin's chest only heats things up between them.
Like Jin's tank top, the towels end up on the floor soon enough. Kame shifts to the right to make room for Koki on the left, both of them hard against Jin's legs and keen to do something about it. They don't really care what.
Kissing is awkward for three. Disinclined towards bumped noses and bruised foreheads, they take it in turns instead, Kame nipping at Koki's lower lip while Jin works on removing belts with one hand, the other being wrapped round Kame's waist. Jin temporarily loses focus when Koki slides one knee between his legs and pushes; Kame moves just in time to muffle Jin's moan with his mouth.
Between slick skin and tired legs, Jin would be sliding down the door if he wasn't being pressed so closely by the others. When a wickedly smirking Kame thrusts a hand down the front of Jin's jeans and starts teasing him with his nails, Jin grips Koki's waistband for balance; once he steadies himself, he takes Koki in hand, struggling to keep his focus long enough to manage more than a few strokes.
No one's touching Kame yet - Jin's still got an arm round his waist but that's not nearly enough - so Kame takes Koki's hand to guide it where he wants. Koki goes willingly, curling his fingers round Kame while he uses his tongue to stem the flow of nonsensical English that Jin is muttering under his breath.
Kame can't manage coherent speech either, low, heavy gasps being his limit - as Jin's voice goes up when he's aroused, so Kame's voice goes down, losing its nasal quality and taking on a more adult, seductive tone. Koki falls somewhere in the middle.
Jin releases Kame's waist; his now free hand joins Koki's and Kame loves that he has them both working on him, both striving for his sake. Maybe it won't work out, maybe this is all just one rash, impulsive act brought on by too much adrenaline and tomorrow everything will be uncomfortable again, but right now, Kame can't bring himself to care.
Koki finishes first, leaving teethmarks in Kame's shoulder and telltale stains on Jin's jeans. He flashes them an exhausted grin but remains in place, trailing his free hand round to the small of Jin's back and skimming his fingers between fabric and soft skin.
The cold metal of Koki's rings makes Jin jump, and then he's next, shuddering under Kame's fingers and crying out at such volume that Kame suspects Ueda and co. will be rushing to change and vacate the neighbouring room as quickly as possible. Jin struggles through a few hoarse breaths, starts to sink down, but Koki's hand on his back keeps him upright.
"We've got to do something about your stamina," Kame quips - the first real words spoken by any of them since leaving the stage.
Jin growls and pulls him closer, trapping his own and Koki's hand between them, intensifying the friction but slowing their movements so that a harsh, needy groan emanates from Kame's throat. The angle's too awkward for Koki so he retreats from them altogether, shifts so that Kame is caught in the middle, his back against Koki's chest. Koki kisses Kame anywhere he can reach, caresses a gentle contrast to Jin's slow squeezes.
Kame drapes his arms round Jin's neck for leverage and grinds against him, irritated by the relaxed pace, hungry to catch up. Jin finally takes the hint so Kame gives him a thank-you kiss, wet and breathless. It doesn't take long - Kame's so wound up that a few quick strokes are all he needs and he slumps against Jin, supported by Koki, all of them shattered and soaking and perfectly content.
Not for long, of course. Kame insists on wiping down everything, including the door, as though he were trying to erase evidence from a crime scene. It's a good thing they all have clothes to change into as well, because Jin looks like he's been attacked by rabid fangirls, Koki's pants are creased beyond all hope of salvation, and Kame, caught in the middle, is completely drenched.
He feels like he should say something - after all, he's the reason this happened in the first place - but for a change, the silence between the three of them feels comfortable, the kind of atmosphere he's been trying to engineer for months now, and he doesn't want to break it.
Watching Jin flick his hair ties at Koki is encouraging, sort of - as is the way Koki catches them and flicks them back, both of them sporting lazy smiles that grow when they catch Kame's eye. There's no resentment, no flashes of jealousy. Not now.
Kame's too realistic to imagine it'll last, and even if it does, he has no idea where it would go, what it would do to their careers. And Kame does so love his career.
But he's earned the right to be a little selfish, he thinks. He can have what he wants right now, if he can make it work, and after what's just happened, Kame's pretty sure things will be a bit easier in the future, if only because Jin and Koki have taken steps to close the gap between them. They have their differences, but they have Kame in common and that's a good start.
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame/Koki/Jin, in various combinations
Rating: R
Genre: Romance, angst, humour
Word count: 10,440
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit.
Summary: When you have a perfectly good relationship with a guy who adores you, why waste time with one who gives you creepy stares and gets jealous at the drop of a (fabulously stylish) hat?
A/N: Inspired by the Bryan Adams song, 'Run to You', particularly the lines "She's got a heart of gold she'd never let me down//But you're the one that always turns me on, keeps me comin' round." Koki does have a heart of gold, especially where Kame's concerned, but there's no denying that Jin has a knack for attracting people.
Happiness is a Stuffed Sheep and a Pair of Stalkers
Koki's everything Kame could ever want. He's kind, gentle, playful, and absolutely devoted. For all that he tries to seem the tough gangster, when it comes to Kame, Koki's no tougher than a marshmallow, and twice as sweet.
Kame's got no reason to look elsewhere. None whatsoever. Koki comforts him when he's down, encourages him at every turn, worries about him when he's not eating properly - he's part mother hen, part-stalker.
-----
"You're getting thin again."
Kame shrugs. "I'm always thin. It's not like I'm not eating."
"I wouldn't know; you keep sneaking off into corners for lunch." Koki pulls out his phone, scrolls to one of the many pizza places Nakamaru has insisted he have the number for, and holds his thumb over 'send' like he's waiting to push the detonator on a bomb. "What do you want on your pizza?"
"Koki-"
"I'm not letting you out of your apartment till I've watched you eat every slice, so you might as well pick something good. I'll pay."
Kame hates to wipe the hopeful grin from Koki's face, but they're running late for an interview as it is. "We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago," he says.
Koki is embarrassed but remains undeterred. "Then we'll go after work. Three course meal. Maybe after a few of those, you'll be able to take your shirt off during the encore without the front row counting all your ribs."
"It's a date!" Kame says brightly, in a rush to get moving before he receives an angry phone call demanding to know his whereabouts.
It's only once Kame's donned his hat and sunglasses and is halfway out the front door that it dawns on him what he's said...and it's not until he's sitting in a restaurant and holding Koki's hand under the table that he realises he meant it, too.
-----
But if Koki's a stalker, what does that make Jin, with those constant gazes in Kame's direction? Jin's always watching him. Kame can see it in all the photos. He'll be smiling, laughing, posing like the cool professional he tries so hard to be, and Jin will just be watching him like he's the most precious thing on Earth and it doesn't matter who knows it. Those looks are possessive - hungry, even - and even when they were both Juniors, all raw and unpolished, Jin liked to make it clear that Kame was his.
Jin's always been selfish. He's capable of great generosity when he chooses, and he has a heart that can encompass the world when he wants it to, but basically, he doesn't like to share. Kame isn't for sharing, or so Jin tells him when Kame gets on a little too well with members of Kanjani8, or messes around with Yamapi on the Nobuta set, or goes out with any of the beautiful older women who adore him.
But there's just something about Jin that makes Kame lose all sense of reason.
-----
"You can't go," Jin says. It's two days after Kame's nineteenth birthday and Kame has just been invited out for the evening by a dozen of the guys from the Gokusen cast. "We were going to stay in and watch movies at my place tonight."
Kame is busy in front of the mirror, wiping away the make-up from yet another staged fight. The pile of used tissues beside him look like they belong to someone having a nosebleed of fatal proportions. "We can do that anytime," he points out, not turning away from the mirror. "You should come out with us for a birthday celebration. It'll be fun."
"I've already bought the popcorn!"
Smeared make-up still covering half his face, Kame finally turns round. Jin is straddling a chair in the corner, arms crossed over the back, sullen pout firmly in place. Kame's not in the mood to indulge him.
"Jin, we didn't even make proper plans! You asked me last week, I said it sounded like fun, and that was it. So don't try to make out that I'm standing you up. You're not some jealous girlfriend - why do you have to act like one?"
Jin snarls something undecipherable, stands up and spins the chair into the wall as he storms off.
Kame does go out with the guys that night, and he has fun...but early next morning, he finds himself on Jin's couch, eating stale popcorn and watching subtitled American movies, laughing at Jin's running commentary and ignoring the nagging voice inside him that says they're going to be late to the set.
-----
Kame ignores Jin's temper tantrums and fits of sulking easily. He isn't obliged to do otherwise, not anymore, and it's the sulky, childish, petulant Akanishi Jin who leaves for America, strained by their debut and stretched so thin he thinks he'll go crazy if he has to do one more photoshoot.
When Jin returns, it's too late. KAT-TUN have grown while he's been away - they've matured and thrived under pressure, transformed from coal to diamond. It takes time for Jin to work his way back in, and it's hard, rejoining the group mid-tour and with commercials, the usual photoshoots and interviews and their brand-new TV show hitting him all at once.
They all try to help him, of course. No one wants to screw things up now, not when they've worked so hard. Jin soon sees the extent of the burden he's left on Kame's shoulders...and there's no hiding who's been helping him carry it.
-----
"Why Koki?" Jin demands. "When did that happen?"
"Jin, I don't think this is really the time-"
"Why not me?" Koki says, earning himself an exasperated look from Kame at the interruption. "And it's none of your business, Akanishi. You weren't here!"
"You swooped in when Kame was lonely and vulnerable and-"
Kame smacks him lightly round the back of the head. "When would I have had time to be lonely, idiot? I was too busy working!"
His protests that he wasn't lonely go right past Koki, who says, "And whose fault is it he was lonely? Who ran away only half a year after we debuted because he couldn't handle it? Who selfishly left by himself instead of staying and trying to work things out?"
Kame wishes Nakamaru was there, because he has always made the best peace between them, but the other three members of KAT-TUN have wisely vacated the dressing room before the tension in the air can drive them all crazy. He's sure it's only a matter of time before Jin either throws Koki out or walks out himself. Locking them both in a room together and letting them fight it out might be the best option. It always used to work for he and Jin, though their fights, especially as they grew older, inevitably ended with a rough sort of manly hug, an awkward clash of limbs where they both tried to pretend they weren't feeling anything.
He sees both sides and wants to take neither, but that's not an option. He has to make things clear to Jin.
"Koki, can you leave us alone for a bit?" he asks.
Jin's scowl softens, ire morphing into hope, but Kame can't let him believe he has a chance. Because there *is* no chance, really. Nothing is ever simple where Jin's concerned, and Kame's life is already too complicated. He likes what he's got with Koki - the easy companionship and certainty, the knowledge that if he's busy, Koki won't get resentful, and that Koki will never start screaming at him in the middle of a restaurant because he's getting too close to someone else.
Even so, there's a trace of uneasiness in Koki's face when Kame asks him to leave. "I don't mind, but-"
Kame shuts him up with a kiss, making sure Jin gets a good look at the way Koki responds, leaning in with the comfortable familiarity that's developed over the last few months. Koki's eyes flutter closed but Kame's remain open; they lock with Jin's as Kame breaks away.
"I'll see you later," Kame says to Koki, but it's Jin who leaves first.
-----
Kame does his best to keep his private life private but somehow everybody knows anyway. Perhaps Koki's blatant declarations of love on national television have something to do with it. In any case, the two of them have a number of fanservice-heavy photoshoots together and nobody seems too concerned about it - except Tanaka Juri, who keeps asking if he's going to have to make out with boys when he gets older too. (Koki sends him to Takki for one of those 'Now you're a Junior...' talks and hopes he comes back less screwed-up than Yamapi.)
The only other person who gives a damn whether or not Kame and Koki are cozying up off-camera too is Jin, and even on-camera, he does his best to detract attention from their sickeningly snuggly affair.
It wouldn't be so bad, Kame thinks, if Jin would just come right out and admit how he feels, because then he'd at least have the option of rejecting him. But it's plain that Jin's not entirely sure how he feels and is working on some primal, possessive instinct, looking longingly at Kame but never managing to articulate why.
And as long as Jin stays silent, Kame can pretend he's unaffected.
-----
"You look good," Kame comments, flipping through the pages of Jin's latest POPEYE shoot. "Very debauched."
They're in Kame's apartment after spending a pleasant afternoon filming a segment together for a Gokusen reunion skit; having gone out for food afterwards, it seemed only natural to continue the evening in each other's company. Kame's apartment was closer so here they are now, a few beers down the line, lounging around on the floor.
"Why've you got a copy, anyway?" Jin mutters.
Kame gives him a look.
"Oh yeah. Fashion magazine. Right." Jin stubs out his cigarette in Kame's well-used ashtray, not looking half as urbane with it as he does for the camera. "You've probably bought every issue ever published."
Kame has, but the only ones he's kept have been the issues with himself and his friends in. He flips through Jin's latest, from time to time, and thinks they could probably use the pictures to illustrate the word "sultry" next time the dictionary gets reprinted.
"Most likely," Kame agrees. "I don't keep many issues, though."
Jin gives him one of those slow, seductive smiles that works so well in front of the camera. "You'll be keeping that one, right?"
"Hmmm." Kame pretends to think it over. "Maybe. There were some interesting hairstyles in there that I'm thinking about trying."
Jin reaches up and grabs one of the couch cushions, chucking it at Kame, and both of them dissolve into giggles. POPEYE suffers the consequences - there are nasty creases down a couple of pages - but Jin says he's got spare copies anyway...one of which was intended for Kame.
"Like I need more pictures of you," Kame says. Somehow, Jin has managed to worm his way into a great many photographs of Kame over the years, and some of them cannot be shown to anyone without Kame being asked if he has a stalker.
"You should have lots more pictures of me! I'll take some now." Jin fumbles unsteadily on the coffee table, almost knocking over a pair of empty bottles. "Where's my phone?"
"You left it at home," Kame reminds him. "It was the first thing you said to me this afternoon."
"Oh. Then I'll use your phone. Where is it?"
Kame considers pointing out that if Jin really wants to take pictures, he could use Kame's actual camera, but decides that given the alcohol they've consumed, the phone would be cheaper to replace. "Jeans pocket. I'll get it."
Jin ignores him, rolling across the floor so that they're both on their sides, lying face-to-face, and casually slides a hand into Kame's back pocket.
Kame can feel the blood rushing to his face. "Not that pocket."
"My mistake." Jin slips his hand out again but rather than retreat, he trails it up Kame's back, coming to rest just at the nape of his neck.
Nobody breathes. Kame tells himself to break away, to tell Jin he's overstayed his welcome and he'll see him tomorrow, but he inches closer instead, hooking one leg over Jin's to pull them together, aligning them at the hip.
He's not supposed to do this. He doesn't need to do this. He's got Koki, who adores him and would willingly give him everything of himself - he doesn't need someone who acts before he thinks and doesn't always consider the consequences, who's paranoid enough to be jealous over a stray glance, who doesn't seem to understand that Kame isn't his.
But that's not quite true. It never has been. There is something in Kame's relationship with Jin that no one else can touch, not even the rest of KAT-TUN, and it's been with them since they were a pair of awkward teenage boys. It's stayed with them through fights and tears, through struggles and triumphs, and it's visible when they catch each other's eyes.
There's a question in Jin's eyes now...and behind that, desire. Kame responds to both, tangling his hand in Jin's hair and pushing him down with his lips. Jin ends up on his back, one hand still at Kame's nape while the other reaches between them to unfasten their jeans. They've drunk enough to make them amorous but not enough to slow them down, and Kame wants it to be over quickly so he can get it out of his system.
Get Jin out of his system.
But when he's got Jin flushed and panting beneath him, hungry for everything Kame's got to give, he knows that's an impossibility.
-----
Koki knows when Kame's upset, and Kame knows when Koki knows because suddenly there are a lot more messages on his phone - nothing overt, just hinting at Koki's general availability if Kame feels like getting together, or suggesting a trip to Disney in case Kame is in need of some innocent fun. Kame appreciates the messages, as he does Koki's willingness not to push the issue, to wait until such time - if ever - Kame wants to enlighten him.
Kame is usually good at facing bad situations head on, but this time, he wants to hide his head in the sand and wait for it to go away. There's no way he can avoid hurting Koki if he tells him.
It's never mattered before, if he's slept with someone else. If either of them has. There were girls, in the beginning, and there still are from time to time, but there's casual fun and there's relationships and Kame knows how to separate the two. He's practical - he knows he'll get married someday, father a couple of wonderful kids and teach them to play baseball, because it's what's expected of him and he does actually want that for himself. Where Koki fits into that future, he's not sure. They've never discussed it, but they figure they'll get lynched by fans - not to mention, their management - if they try to get married before the age of thirty, so it's fine that they don't think about it.
Besides, getting caught with a girl every so often is the done thing, and Kame tries to make sure that he's at least presentable for the blurry photos in the scandal rags. The sunglasses are everything.
Getting caught with Jin, however, would finish off both their careers, and if anyone - including Koki - finds out, the risk of a leak increases.
So Kame keeps quiet, lets the guilt bubble up inside him when he sees Koki...and worse, when he sees Jin, though Jin seems happy enough. No regrets, no apologies, merely a self-satisfied smile like the cat who didn't just get the cream but got to have a really hot one-night stand in the dairy too.
And it *is* a one-night stand. Kame is adamant about that.
-----
"Why don't we go for a massage?" Koki suggests one weekend. "My shoulders are really tense." He's lounging on Kame's bed, completely relaxed, without so much as a hint of tension anywhere in his body.
Unlike Kame, who has been pacing the floor for the last ten minutes, resisting Koki's best efforts to get him to settle down. It's obvious Koki is making the suggestion for Kame's benefit alone.
"I could give you a massage." Kame perches on the edge of the bed. "Work out the tension." He's done it plenty of times before, mostly in dressing rooms while they've been working.
"You..." Koki grins and shuffles forwards so that he's sitting next to Kame. "It's supposed to help *you* relax."
Out of force of habit, Kame lets his arm trail back so it falls behind Koki. "Me? I don't need one." At Koki's plain disbelief, he adds, "I'm just a little tired, that's all."
Koki immediately leaps up and starts looking for his cap. "I should go and let you get some sleep - I'm sure you'll feel better if you get a proper night's rest for a change. Even Kame-chan can't keep going forever."
"It's only eight o'clock!"
"And we don't have to be anywhere until eleven tomorrow morning. You can get all the rest you need." Koki passes him one of his stuffed sheep to take to bed. "This little guy can keep an eye on you while I'm not here."
Kame hugs the sheep to his chest and traps Koki's leg between his own when he tries to walk off. "That much sleep will probably kill me. Stay for a while?" He doesn't mean it to be a question, and he doesn't know what he'll do if Koki does stay, but they haven't seen much of each other outside work lately and Kame feels bad about that.
Koki's best efforts to free his leg are futile, so he topples them both backwards on the bed and tries to pin Kame down. The sheep gets in the way.
"I'm not giving up," Koki vows. "I can't lose to a sheep plushie."
"It'll completely ruin your reputation!"
Kame manages to forget for a while - he and Koki tussle like two kids at play, complete with hair-pulling (Kame has a clear disadvantage here), flying elbows (half of Koki's collection of bling disappears down the side of the bed) and biting (though these are not bites that five year olds should be giving each other). It's a good distraction, both of them laughing, messing around like there's nothing wrong and Kame hasn't been keeping secrets.
But it doesn't last. The sheep winds up across the room, standing on its head; Kame is flat on his back with Koki lying against his side, both dishevelled and slightly breathless.
"Shall we call it a draw?" Koki asks.
"I won."
"You know you didn't win. You must've been spending too much time with Akanishi - his competitive streak's rubbed off on you."
Kame hopes his face isn't too red. Jin never admits to having lost at anything, which is perhaps why he refuses to give up on Kame.
"I won," Kame repeats; Koki doesn't argue. If anything, the sheep won, because it gets to avoid the awkward conversation that Kame's gut tells him is coming.
It takes two minutes of uneasy silence before it begins.
"Kazuya, if you don't want..." Koki falters, then tries again. "If I'm the problem...if you're not happy..." He scratches his head, giving Kame an embarrassed smile. "Ah, I probably should've planned this out."
"What makes you think I'm not happy?"
"You've been walking around for weeks like you're carrying your entire apartment building on your back, only it's invisible so you can't tell anyone about it."
Koki's analogy is disturbingly accurate. Jin doesn't weigh anywhere near as much as a building, obviously, but he tends to have an impact of that size, whatever he does.
"It's..." Nothing to do with you. "It's not like that, Koki. And you're definitely not a problem."
"You're not good at letting anyone else help you," Koki says, "but if there's something I can do, even if it's just listening..." He trails off with a sigh.
"That's very sweet of you," Kame pauses to turn and plant a kiss on Koki's chin, which is as high as he can reach from that position, "but it really is okay."
Koki's expression says he believes Kame about as much as he believes Junno when he swears he's only pretending to misread the atmosphere. "I just want you to be happy."
"Stop worrying about me so much for a change," Kame suggests. "Want something for your own happiness instead."
"I like to see your smile." Koki's mumbling, turning his head away to reveal pink-tipped ears. "That makes me happy."
Kame wonders if his own happiness contributes in any way to how Jin feels. It probably doesn't. Koki doesn't want anything from him except what he's prepared to give.
Jin wants everything, whether Kame's willing to give it to him or not.
-----
It only takes another week for Kame to crack. Not about telling Koki - he's decided that no good can come of it and acting like his usual self is the best way to proceed - but about Jin. He has to tell Jin that thanks, it was fun, but it's never going to happen again and it's probably safest if they don't drink by themselves for a while. Maybe then Jin will stop giving him those looks, the ones that make it pretty clear he's thinking about Kame in any number of interesting positions.
It's the obvious choice. The safe choice. The practical choice. Don't wreck a perfectly good relationship over a temporary lapse of sanity.
What Kame tends to forget is that where Akanishi Jin is concerned, lapses of sanity are a frequent occurrence.
-----
"Was it better than when you do it with Koki?" Jin wants to know when Kame shows up at his apartment one night. "Because you seemed really into it."
"I was drunk and stupid and you were there," Kame says. "Don't read too much into it."
"Not so drunk you couldn't call me by my name."
"I'm not that inconsiderate."
Jin snorts. "Right. You're such a considerate boyfriend. Koki's real lucky to have you."
Because Jin's got a pretty face and a nice smile, people forgive him for being mean, but he's got a nasty tongue sometimes and he uses it to push all the right buttons. Kame winces, like Jin's picked up a knife and nicked him just over the heart, not deep enough to do real damage but more than enough to hurt.
He sits down on Jin's long, white couch, dropping heavier than he'd meant to - it's going to be a long night and Kame's already tired. "I'm not here to talk about Koki."
"That's fine, because I don't want to talk about him either." Jin sits down next to him, closer than Kame really wants. "In fact, let's not bother talking. You don't seem to be in a chatty mood." He brushes Kame's hair back behind his ear so he can nuzzle the side of his neck, letting his tongue trace a wet path along the collarbone.
Kame lets him. I'll stop him in a minute, he thinks. I'll push him away and tell him it's not going to happen.
It's comfortable, with Koki. It's like hot chocolate and candy and fluffy white clouds. Koki's so focused on being whatever Kame wants him to be that he starts to lose himself, becoming a part of Kame. When Kame's feeling down, he'll wrap himself up in a Koki-shaped blanket and snuggle away the blues.
With Jin, it's intense. Jin doesn't forget who he is for a second, and he won't let Kame forget either. It's like Kame's been standing on the edge of a cliff all his life, and it's only when he's with Jin that he takes a step into the abyss to find there's actually a bridge. There are few certainties between them. It's a given that Jin prizes his freedom and if Kame tries to take it away from him he'll kick up a fuss...but it's also guaranteed that Jin will want everything Kame has to offer, and he'll want Kame to want it too.
And Kame does want it. Badly.
"We shouldn't be doing this," he says between sloppy kisses and rough caresses, but Jin's hands are unbuttoning his shirt and sliding inside and Kame doesn't feel like talking anymore.
"Give me one good reason," Jin replies.
Kame wants to say "Koki"; Jin is unlikely to accept that as a good reason, however, so Kame makes sure he doesn't feel like talking either. Five minutes later, Jin's incapable of anything more than breathy, desperate moans, and his fingers tangle in Kame's hair where it tickles his thighs. Kame likes those sounds, likes the way Jin tastes, and likes the way Jin licks himself off Kame's lips when he's done.
And when Jin returns the favour, Kame says, "Just this once." He thinks he means it. Jin's smirk says he knows better.
There's no room for guilt when Kame's entire world shrinks to the wet warmth of Jin's mouth and all he can think about is how Jin's tongue swirls and teases like he does this for a living. Kame thrusts forward, trying to get Jin to take him deeper; Jin's hands find his hips, push him back on the couch so that he can't move. Jin likes to do things at his own pace, regardless of what Kame might want.
Sometimes that pace is maddeningly slow. Jin takes his time, sucking Kame off so leisurely that if Kame was an ice cream, he'd have melted by now. He melts anyway, all hot and bothered with his jeans down to his knees and his sweat-soaked shirt pushed back over his shoulders. Jin's apartment is always too warm. Kame's skin sticks to the couch and some dimly aware part of him thinks that they should move to the bed because it's easier to launder sheets than to clean the couch, and he knows Jin won't think of these things.
But that means moving, and Kame can't move right now, not even to touch Jin. Not that Jin seems to care. He's a little preoccupied.
Kame bites down on his lip when he comes, trying to keep some measure of control over himself, but everything else relaxes and he sinks limply against the cushions.
"Calmed down yet?" Jin asks. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and slides back up on the couch next to Kame, so he can look him in the eye without getting a crick in the neck.
"You always ask people that after sex?"
"Only the people who walk in here so tense they're going to explode in a matter of minutes unless I get them to relax."
"So you...what, defused me?" Kame can't help but laugh at the image of Jin trying to dismantle a bomb. "Was I really that bad?"
"You were..." Jin takes a deep breath. "I thought you were angry at me. You looked like you were."
Kame kicks his jeans and underwear off the rest of the way, because he feels kind of stupid with them tangled round his knees, and makes Jin strip off too so he doesn't trip up when Kame takes his hand and drags him off to the bedroom.
"I'm not angry at you," Kame says, "even though you asked me if the sex was better with you or Koki the second I walked through your front door and your nosy neighbour could probably still hear us.
"I'm angry at myself."
"Because of me?" Jin's more serious than Kame's ever heard him.
"Because I can't say 'no' to you." Kame kisses him chastely, nothing but a graze of lips, backing him up till his knees hit the bed. "I should be walking out of here right now."
"Like this?" Jin runs a hand down Kame's bare side to indicate his state of undress. "One of my neighbours will love you for it but the other one will call the cops."
Just so long as she doesn't call Koki, Kame thinks.
"I'm not interested in giving your neighbours a show."
"They don't deserve one anyway," Jin says. "They all complain about me making too much noise."
One night, Kame promises himself. Just one night. This is nothing more than scratching an itch; nothing for he or Koki to be worried about. Jin's trying to help him relax and Kame's letting him because Jin's his friend and he trusts him. He cares about him.
You want him.
Ignoring the small voice of self-recrimination that seems to have set up shop in the back of his mind, Kame reaches for Jin's nightstand drawer and the tiny bag of supplies he knows is tucked right at the back where Jin's mother won't find it when she visits. While he's sure it wouldn't be news to Mrs. Akanishi that her firstborn is having sex, he doesn't think she'd appreciate having tangible proof.
"Let's give them something to complain about," Kame says.
But Jin is unexpectedly quiet and even the careful probing of Kame's slicked fingers fails to provoke more than strained gasps and the occasional ragged moan. Jin is being typically contrary - now that Kame wants to hear him, he won't cry out - and it only makes Kame more determined.
"Don't tell me you're losing interest now."
"Not me," Jin gasps out. "But, Kame?"
"What is it?"
"Do you..." Jin's voice is very small - subdued even. He sounds lost. "Do you wish it was Koki here with you now?"
"In your bedroom?" Kame has to feign a laugh because he's not sure he can muster up enough nonchalance for a real one. "Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?"
"You know what I mean."
"Yeah, I know." Kame opens one of the small foil packets. "But I don't want you to be anyone other than yourself."
"Good. Roleplay always makes me confused."
Kame's certain Jin's being deliberately obtuse on that point, but he does seem to be brightening up. That's Kame's cue to keep going, pushing in slowly, watching Jin's face for signs of discomfort and waiting until he gives Kame the okay to move. It's all still new to them, learning the feel of each other's bodies and discovering the effect of every little touch, whereas Kame knows Koki's very well.
"All right?" Kame murmurs.
Jin shifts beneath him, slides his hands over Kame's back to urge him closer, and Kame knows it'll be okay. He's free to annoy Jin's neighbours as much as he likes now.
-----
"Just one night" turns into "just one more night", because Kame can't do the right thing and break it off with Jin. He can't do the wrong thing and break it off with Koki, either. Jin doesn't ask him to - he never even mentions Koki when they're alone now - but Kame knows it's not fair to either of them. Nobody's getting what they deserve, much less what they want, which wouldn't be so much of a problem if Kame could actually figure out what he wants.
Every time he vows to end it with Jin, he thinks of a dozen reasons to do just the opposite - all of which boil down to one single explanation: he doesn't want to.
It's not a relationship of physical pleasures alone, though they do play a large part. Kame genuinely enjoys spending time with Jin - has done, ever since they were small boys who used to bike round the neighbourhood together, who used to go for ice creams after dance practice and talk about where their careers might take them. Jin's funny and quirky and when he's in the right mood he can talk for hours, telling Kame self-deprecating stories about his misadventures in LA and making up imaginary trips for the two of them to take all over the world. Kame likes to listen but he likes to watch more, to wait for Jin's real smile, which is as sweet and beautiful as it is rare. When Jin smiles like that, Kame knows he's genuinely happy, not trying to pretend for the cameras.
Koki's happiness is easier to obtain, because when he's with Kame, Kame's happiness is his happiness. It's simple, and Kame never asks himself what else Koki might want, because Koki will never tell him.
None of this gives him any easy answers. There is no simple solution, no means by which Kame can avoid hurting anyone. He's not looking for a heartbreak; falling out with his bandmates won't help either.
It isn't until he thinks back on his reply to Jin ("In your bedroom? Wouldn't that be a bit awkward?") that he realises perhaps the answer has been staring him in the face all this time. Kame thinks he might be able to handle it.
The question is, can Koki and Jin?
-----
It's not a topic of conversation suitable for a public arena, so Kame lures Koki back to his apartment one evening with an offer of a home-cooked meal. It's not difficult - Koki would've gone even without the food, but Kame can cook and he thinks there's something pleasantly comforting about fixing a meal for a friend.
Besides, it's not polite to get mad at the host who made you dinner, so Kame figures he's protecting himself at the same time.
When food and dishes are both a distant memory, Kame takes a seat opposite Koki and wonders how the hell he's supposed to start this kind of conversation. By admitting straight out that he's been seeing Jin, acting like it's no big deal because hey, he and Koki never agreed that they weren't going to see other people, and saying he's going to keep doing it? Or by suggesting, in a roundabout way, that maybe the two of them should spice things up a little by inviting a friend to join them?
He rejects both ideas immediately: Option One would only prolong the current situation; Option Two might make Koki feel inadequate.
"If you like my shirt that much you can borrow it," Koki says suddenly.
Kame blinks. "If I...what?"
"You've been staring at my shirt for the last five minutes." Koki's shirt has a bunch of blinged-out cartoon dogs on the front. "I know it's nice, but I didn't think it was *that* fascinating."
"Oh." Kame shakes his head. "It's not the shirt." He doesn't want to have to launch into all that "we have to talk" nonsense; the straightforward approach is the quickest. The words still trip over his tongue, though. "I...Jin and I...we...together...uh..."
"I know."
Of all the potential responses Kame could've received, that one hadn't been on the list, especially since he hasn't managed to say anything yet. "How?" he asks cautiously.
"He told me."
"Oh," Kame says again.
"Two weeks ago."
Kame's not sure what to say to that, largely because Koki's tone is strictly neutral, not giving away his feelings about the situation. He settles on, "And?"
Koki shrugs. "It wasn't like he was bragging or anything. He just told me straight out and said it was upsetting you...but it was making you happy too."
Kame finally manages an answer comprising more than a single word, though not by much. "He's right."
"Kazuya, if you'd rather be with him-"
"That's not the case!" Kame bursts out. "It's not 'rather'."
"So you..." Koki shakes his head in bewilderment. "What *do* you want?"
"Koki, if Jin told you two weeks ago, why didn't you say anything to me?"
Koki won't look at him. "I didn't know if you were serious or not. If you're happy, it doesn't matter to me what you do."
"It should." If he stretches his leg, Kame can just graze Koki's ankle. On autopilot, Koki rubs back against him. "I know we don't discuss this," 'this', being their relationship or arrangement or whatever the hell it is that they have, "but I like it. I like being with you.
"But I don't want it to be at your expense."
"Kame, if I wasn't happy with the way things are don't you think I'd have said something? When have I - when have any of us ever kept our mouths shut?"
He has a point. The six young men who make up KAT-TUN are not known for being tactful, or being patient, or shying away from conflict. Some of them hide it better than others but when they feel strongly about something, everybody knows. It leads to a lot of fights within the group...but it also means that when they present a unified front, they can do absolutely anything.
"I know you, and I know you can't just leave a problem unresolved forever; I didn't say anything because I thought you'd tell me yourself eventually - and you're doing that now. It wouldn't have done any good to push, would it?"
"No," Kame agrees. "I didn't have an answer then. Let me ask you something. If I said I didn't want to give either of you up, would you get mad?"
"If you..." Koki looks uncomfortable. "If we kept going the way we are, with you slipping off every so often to Akanishi's place and coming back to me when you're done with him? Yeah, I'd get mad."
"Good. Tell me why."
"Because," and now Koki's turning so pink he could be a mascot for NEWS, "it's not fair. It might be fun for you, and if it really would make you happy I might be able to accept that, but I don't think you've got the time to juggle both of us and it would all end badly. It's not even as if you're keeping up two full-time relationships - you see me when you want, and that's fine, but you see Jin when you can't help seeing him, and that's not fair to him.
"You know what it's like for a selfish, possessive guy like that, with his mile-wide jealous streak, to be someone's dirty little secret? I don't," Koki falters for a second, "I don't want to lose you to him, but I don't think he deserves to be treated like that, either. He needs more from you and he still wants to be with you even knowing he's not going to get it."
There's more than a trace of admiration in Koki's voice and it makes Kame grin. Koki's very big on the concept of endurance, of being able to withstand anything for the sake of the people he cares about, and whatever he might think about Jin, it's obvious he respects the self-restraint that Jin is showing for possibly the first time in his life.
"I know I'm not being fair to him," Kame says quietly. "And I don't like feeling guilty when I'm with him, either."
Before Koki can make some sort of speech of self-resignation and walk out like a gracious loser - it's all on display, Kame can tell by his face that he's about to do it - Kame rises from his chair and plants his hands on Koki's shoulders to stop him leaving.
"So I thought about it. A lot. And you know what I came up with?"
"You're ditching us both and moving in with Ueda?"
Kame starts laughing then so he has to release Koki's shoulders. "Nothing like that. You're right, I don't have time to date both of you and make it have any kind of meaning, so I've decided to save time and see you both together."
"What?"
Kame pulls out his phone, flips it open to call Jin and when Jin answers, Kame doesn't give him time to argue. "Oi, Akanishi. Drag yourself away from your Heroes DVDs and get over here. We're going drinking."
When he hangs up, Koki stares at him as if he's crazy. "This is your great idea? All three of us? Together?"
"You don't have to pay for Jin's drinks," Kame assures him. "You can stop offering to pay for mine, too."
"That's not what I'm worried about! Going out for a meal, drinks, whatever - that, I can get my head round. I think. But unless your new plan involves us all being celibate..."
Kame shrugs. "We figured it out with two; I'm sure we can figure it out with three. Just pretend we're in Arashi. See what happens and if it's too awkward, we'll rethink it."
Koki doesn't look convinced.
"I know I'm being selfish," Kame says, "and I don't expect things to go smoothly. I know it's asking a lot from you guys.
"But won't you try?"
When Jin finally shows up, Kame has to explain his decision all over again. They never do go out for a drink. Jin works his way through all the juice in Kame's kitchen because his mouth keeps going dry and Kame pours cup after cup of coffee, which only makes them all nervous and irritable.
They don't talk so much as they argue. When Kame starts to feel like a piece of property, he throws them both out and tells them to go home and think it over.
-----
A few days of strained silence later, Koki and Jin come to Kame to tell him they've discussed it. They're not thrilled by the idea, though they appreciate Kame's logic. They also understand that things cannot continue as they are.
"One date," Kame offers. "Let's go out for a meal and see what happens. If the two of you end up stabbing each other with your chopsticks, I'll admit it was a bad idea."
But it isn't as if the members of KAT-TUN never eat together. Kame is smart to make their official "first date" a normal, everyday activity because it removes a great deal of scope for tension. There is no stabbing with chopsticks, no throwing of ice cubes. They sit at a round table and try not to knock each other with their elbows.
Koki talks about buying a puppy, which prompts Jin and Kame to trot out their own dog stories. Jin tells them about a new band one of his American friends has recommended, so the conversation turns to music - a subject close to all their hearts. Kame talks about the food, the cute hairstyle their waitress is sporting, the storm they're supposed to have on the weekend...everything except what they're going to do when they leave the restaurant.
In the end, it's not an issue. Jin gets a panicked phone call from Yamapi and has to leave early on the grounds of a hair-related emergency, so Koki says he has to get going too. Kame walks home by himself and shops on-line for a couple of hours before falling asleep.
Following the success - sort of - of their "first date", Kame pushes for a second. He figures it's safest for now if he picks the activities, so he chooses a movie. Definitely no horror (he doesn't want Jin to run out screaming), no romance (who goes to see a romance movie with their male friends?), and nothing that requires a lot of thought (he's not sure he's got the concentration to spare right now). They go for an action movie, all blasts and bullets. Kame sits in the middle, lets Jin steal his popcorn, and steals Koki's in turn. They don't have to talk, which means they can't argue.
Between them, they have so much food that they don't run out till halfway through the movie. Once their hands have nothing to hold, they don't move. Kame thinks he feels phantom fingers along his thigh once or twice, but whenever he sneaks a peek at Koki and Jin, both of them have their fists clenched, resting firmly on their own legs.
Kame's not sure whether or not he can call it a success. When they walk out, he can't even remember anything about the movie, and not for the right reasons.
"Do you guys want to-"
"I have to get going," Koki blurts out, muttering an excuse that Kame can't quite catch; he's out the door without so much as a farewell.
Jin looks after him in amazement. "Did Koki just say he was going to Colombia to buy ten kilos of flake?"
Kame's pretty sure that whatever Koki said, Jin's guess doesn't even come close. "You've been watching Miami Vice reruns again, haven't you?"
"Crockett's got a great car," Jin admits, disposing of the remains of his drink as he prepares to leave. "I'll see you tomorrow."
Once again, Kame is home alone by half past nine. He busies himself with tidying away all his new purchases, half of which he doesn't remember, and falls asleep still clutching the receipts.
-----
There is no third date, as such. Kame goes down the subtle route, enlisting the help of Nakamaru, Junno and Ueda. He invites everyone to gather at his apartment one night on the pretext of holding a discussion on their concert costumes, and after about an hour, gives a sly signal to let the three people he's not dating know that it's time for them to leave. Before either Koki or Jin can escape, Kame's slipping the chain on the door and blocking the exit.
"Set-up!" Jin declares.
"Of course it is," Koki says. "Kame's sneaky."
"It's the only way I'm going to get the two of you to stop running away from me." Kame returns to his chair, gives them both a stern look. "Nobody's going anywhere until we get past this."
"I hope your kitchen's well-stocked," Jin says.
It's not just a matter of dragging them both into the bedroom and ordering them to strip. Kame's not planning anything so ambitious. He just wants them to get used to the idea of touching each other for something other than fanservice, the way they touch him. For that, they have to want it.
The best way to make Jin want anything is to give it to someone else, so Kame switches seats, settling down on the couch next to Koki. Jin, cross-legged on the floor, casually leans back against the wall.
"I'm not asking you to do anything impossible," Kame says. Or so he hopes. "I don't expect miracles."
When Koki opens his mouth to respond, Kame moves in, snaking an arm round Koki's shoulders and drawing him near for a kiss. It doesn't last long; Koki pushes him away, glancing at Jin.
Kame pats the empty space on his other side, then extends his hand to Jin. "Why don't you join us up here?"
Based on Jin's expression, Kame guesses that he's trying to decide if he can make it to the front door before Kame blocks him.
"You don't have to do anything - just come sit next to me, okay?"
Jin does, though reluctance is written all over his face. "This is too weird."
"Yeah," Koki agrees. "It's like being on camera or something - having an audience."
"We don't have an audience," Kame says firmly, emphasising that there are three of them and no observers. "Unless one of you has voyeuristic tendencies that you've never mentioned, none of us is here to watch."
He expects Jin to crack a joke about it, because it's the sort of thing he likes to pass comment on, but the opportunity slips by.
It's obvious nothing is going to happen unless Kame starts it. He seizes Jin's right hand with his left, doing the opposite to Koki, keeping a gentle grip on both. There's nothing particularly weird about it. They all link hands to bow at their concerts; it isn't so different from that.
Not until Kame begins to stroke with his thumbs, brushing softly as far as he can reach. He doesn't get any response at first, but then Koki squeezes his hand and Jin twines his fingers with Kame's, so he takes this as a positive sign. He brings their joined hands together across his legs, unlatches his fingers and pushes their hands together between his own.
Jin tries to pull away; Kame refuses to let him, clamping down with his fingers to keep him in place. He realises, belatedly, that trapping Jin's hand like this probably isn't a good idea. Jin's lazy but he likes to have the freedom to move if he needs to.
Still, it can't be helped. Kame needs Jin and Koki to touch, and handholding is the least objectionable activity he can think of.
"I started," he points out when no one moves. "It's somebody else's turn."
Jin and Koki give each other wary looks, clearly not quite sure what Kame wants them to do.
Hopeless, Kame thinks, and whispers a suggestion in Koki's ear. Koki grins wickedly, leans half over Kame and stretches across to tickle Jin's collarbones.
Jin squeals, trying to get away, but with his hand still between Kame's and Koki's, he can't move very far. He ends up yanking Koki even further across the couch, leaving the three of them sprawled in a heap and Koki complaining that his shoulder feels like it's half out of its socket.
Kame takes advantage of the mess to free his hands; he has to climb over the back of the couch to get out from under Koki and when he makes it round to the front, Koki's tickling Jin without mercy as payment for his shoulder. Unlike Kame, Jin is horribly ticklish and the entire world knows his weak spot. Kame watches them for a few minutes, amused right up until Jin starts hiccupping and has to get a glass of water.
"Don't think having a fit of hiccups is going to get you off the hook," Kame warns.
Jin glares at him and goes to refill his glass.
On the couch, Koki massages his shoulder, groaning and grimacing in such an exaggerated fashion that it's obviously fake. Jin mutters an apology when he returns sans hiccups, which prompts Koki to return the gesture at even lower volume.
"If you're done apologising, can we try again?" Kame asks. He's not optimistic, not when the others look like they'd rather swim with sharks than stay in his apartment another second. "I think we were starting to get somewhere."
"It's just too weird with three of us." Koki gets up and shoves his hands in his pockets. "Kame, I want this to work for you, but..."
Jin picks up the thread. "I don't know where to put my hands, my mouth, or anything else. It's like I'm starting all over again and I don't know how to move, what to touch or who to touch."
"There aren't any rules to follow," Kame says. "Same as anything else: you do what you want. You always do, Jin."
"Yeah...but not with Koki!"
There's a nasty headache developing somewhere behind Kame's eyes and it takes a great deal of restraint to keep his temper in line. He likes it when things are perfect, but he knows this is never going to be perfect and it annoys the hell out of him.
"Why not?" he snaps. "You had him pretending to kiss you and go down on you on-stage, so you obviously don't mind the idea."
"I'm not putting on the wig again," Koki says vehemently. "That thing itches."
"You know fanservice isn't the same as real life, Kame," Jin says. "Unless there's something you'd like to tell us about your relationship with chairs."
Kame brushes aside the implications of that one. "My point is, you're hardly strangers to each other - and you're certainly not strangers to me. Come on, how many years have we known each other?"
Jin starts hiccupping again. Kame goes to fetch him another glass of water and by the time he returns, Koki's gone.
"You did that on purpose," Kame says when he hands over the water and Jin's no longer got the hiccups.
Jin doesn't deny it.
-----
It isn't long before life becomes impossibly hectic for KAT-TUN and nobody has time to worry about their love lives. They're all too busy with rehearsals, and travelling, and concerts, and change after change of clothing. Kame makes no further attempts at throwing Jin and Koki together - there's no time and there's nowhere to go - so the three of them carry on more or less as normal.
"More or less", in that they don't touch each other more than they have to for the fans and even Junno's getting more sex than they are - mostly with girls who bear a remarkable resemblance to himself in one way or another.
It's an exhilarating time, full of cheering fans, the beat of the music, the energy that rolls off the crowd in waves and gives them the strength to carry on long after they should be exhausted. Every time they tour it's amazing; the last night, most of all.
For a change, Jin hits every note he aims for, manages not to trip over anything, and finishes with more energy than he started with. Maybe because it's the last night, or maybe because Kame's so hyper that he's pulling everyone up with him.
Koki watches in amazement as Kame performs a flawless series of backflips along the stage while wearing four layers of clothing. "How is he doing this?" he whispers to Jin.
Jin shrugs. "Superpowers?"
"Stamina," Kame says when he catches up to them. "Something Jin doesn't know much about."
Koki cracks up and has to hide behind a barrel so he doesn't ruin his ultra-gangsta pirate coolness; Jin glares daggers at both of them and flounces off to talk to Ueda.
Minor quarrels aside, the night goes very well, ending with a third encore and a natural high greater than anything some of their more wayward senpai have ever slipped into their drinks. Kame's practically flying by the time he gets back to the dressing room, towel draped over his bare shoulders and sweat trickling down his spine. He bounces through the door and makes a dive for a cold drink, holding it against his forehead for a moment before he pops the cap.
Koki follows, similarly shirtless, and throws his towel down in the corner before collapsing on a chair. He looks exhausted but it doesn't dim his manic grin one bit.
They have two dressing rooms between them, and as Ueda has made the executive decision that he, Junno and Nakamaru have had enough of dealing with the tensions of their troublesome trio, Koki, Kame and Jin are all banished to the same room.
Jin doesn't quite bounce but there is a definite spring in his step - a lot of it, relief that it's all over again and life won't be so physically demanding for a while, but there's good cheer there too and he's beaming brighter than an Arashi PV when he walks in.
Kame loves to see this side of Jin - the natural performer who loves his work and likes to make others smile. Jin's genuine joy has always attracted people to him because it lights up the entire room. It's a beautiful sight, all the more so because it's frequently hidden under the confused tangle of thoughts and feelings that make up the psyche of Akanishi Jin.
Naturally, Kame can't let it pass by, this moment. Tomorrow life goes back to normal...but tonight, the sparkles aren't just on the costumes and the excitement will go on till morning.
To his surprise, Koki beats him to it. It's Koki who backs Jin up against the door he's just closed, pressing hands to the wood on either side of his shoulders. Koki who kisses Jin so deeply that Jin's hands clench into fists, nails digging into his damp palms. Koki who steps back, leaving Jin with a pleasantly hazy gaze and lips slightly parted.
Something inside Kame growls, suddenly ravenous, but it's not food he's interested in. He reaches past Jin and locks the door - not that he thinks anyone is likely to be able to shift the combined weight of the three of them - and leans in to take a turn of his own. As Kame finds Jin's lips, he feels Koki's against his cheek, and then a pair of hands removing the towel from round his neck and wiping him down.
Jin's sweating as well, black tank top drenched from on-stage exertions, so Kame slides his fingers under the hem and pushes it up; up, over the trail of dusky hair leading down into faded denim, over firm muscle and not enough fat, over large, dark nipples and prominent collarbones till Jin raises his arms and lets Kame remove the top entirely. Koki moves in then with another towel, though he's wasting his time because every tender swipe over Jin's chest only heats things up between them.
Like Jin's tank top, the towels end up on the floor soon enough. Kame shifts to the right to make room for Koki on the left, both of them hard against Jin's legs and keen to do something about it. They don't really care what.
Kissing is awkward for three. Disinclined towards bumped noses and bruised foreheads, they take it in turns instead, Kame nipping at Koki's lower lip while Jin works on removing belts with one hand, the other being wrapped round Kame's waist. Jin temporarily loses focus when Koki slides one knee between his legs and pushes; Kame moves just in time to muffle Jin's moan with his mouth.
Between slick skin and tired legs, Jin would be sliding down the door if he wasn't being pressed so closely by the others. When a wickedly smirking Kame thrusts a hand down the front of Jin's jeans and starts teasing him with his nails, Jin grips Koki's waistband for balance; once he steadies himself, he takes Koki in hand, struggling to keep his focus long enough to manage more than a few strokes.
No one's touching Kame yet - Jin's still got an arm round his waist but that's not nearly enough - so Kame takes Koki's hand to guide it where he wants. Koki goes willingly, curling his fingers round Kame while he uses his tongue to stem the flow of nonsensical English that Jin is muttering under his breath.
Kame can't manage coherent speech either, low, heavy gasps being his limit - as Jin's voice goes up when he's aroused, so Kame's voice goes down, losing its nasal quality and taking on a more adult, seductive tone. Koki falls somewhere in the middle.
Jin releases Kame's waist; his now free hand joins Koki's and Kame loves that he has them both working on him, both striving for his sake. Maybe it won't work out, maybe this is all just one rash, impulsive act brought on by too much adrenaline and tomorrow everything will be uncomfortable again, but right now, Kame can't bring himself to care.
Koki finishes first, leaving teethmarks in Kame's shoulder and telltale stains on Jin's jeans. He flashes them an exhausted grin but remains in place, trailing his free hand round to the small of Jin's back and skimming his fingers between fabric and soft skin.
The cold metal of Koki's rings makes Jin jump, and then he's next, shuddering under Kame's fingers and crying out at such volume that Kame suspects Ueda and co. will be rushing to change and vacate the neighbouring room as quickly as possible. Jin struggles through a few hoarse breaths, starts to sink down, but Koki's hand on his back keeps him upright.
"We've got to do something about your stamina," Kame quips - the first real words spoken by any of them since leaving the stage.
Jin growls and pulls him closer, trapping his own and Koki's hand between them, intensifying the friction but slowing their movements so that a harsh, needy groan emanates from Kame's throat. The angle's too awkward for Koki so he retreats from them altogether, shifts so that Kame is caught in the middle, his back against Koki's chest. Koki kisses Kame anywhere he can reach, caresses a gentle contrast to Jin's slow squeezes.
Kame drapes his arms round Jin's neck for leverage and grinds against him, irritated by the relaxed pace, hungry to catch up. Jin finally takes the hint so Kame gives him a thank-you kiss, wet and breathless. It doesn't take long - Kame's so wound up that a few quick strokes are all he needs and he slumps against Jin, supported by Koki, all of them shattered and soaking and perfectly content.
Not for long, of course. Kame insists on wiping down everything, including the door, as though he were trying to erase evidence from a crime scene. It's a good thing they all have clothes to change into as well, because Jin looks like he's been attacked by rabid fangirls, Koki's pants are creased beyond all hope of salvation, and Kame, caught in the middle, is completely drenched.
He feels like he should say something - after all, he's the reason this happened in the first place - but for a change, the silence between the three of them feels comfortable, the kind of atmosphere he's been trying to engineer for months now, and he doesn't want to break it.
Watching Jin flick his hair ties at Koki is encouraging, sort of - as is the way Koki catches them and flicks them back, both of them sporting lazy smiles that grow when they catch Kame's eye. There's no resentment, no flashes of jealousy. Not now.
Kame's too realistic to imagine it'll last, and even if it does, he has no idea where it would go, what it would do to their careers. And Kame does so love his career.
But he's earned the right to be a little selfish, he thinks. He can have what he wants right now, if he can make it work, and after what's just happened, Kame's pretty sure things will be a bit easier in the future, if only because Jin and Koki have taken steps to close the gap between them. They have their differences, but they have Kame in common and that's a good start.