[JE] Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend (1/2)
Title: Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend (1/2)
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: There isn't one, really, but Kame and Jin are the main characters in this.
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, kind of AU
Word count: 13,250 (in 2 parts due to LJ's character limit)
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: There's nowt so queer as folk, especially when those folk happen to be in the entertainment industry.
A/N: threewalls left the following prompt on Katy's LJ: Jin in feminine garb (always a girl AU, Jin likes cross-dressing, or is trans/genderqueer are all interesting options). Gender issues are near and dear to my heart, so I took the idea and ran with it. Whether or not I ran too far, you'll have to decide for yourselves.
Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend (1/2)
When episode three of Yuukan Club airs, Jin gets all of KAT-TUN together to watch it so they can enjoy the spectacle of Junno in a wedding dress - or so Kame assumes, anyway, given Jin's frequent comments on the subject.
When episode eight airs, with both Jin and Junno in drag, Jin doesn't mention it at all. It's Junno who gets them together to watch, in order to have everyone admire his convincing turn as a blonde bombshell. Everyone else watches the screen but Kame watches Jin, who squirms uneasily on Ueda's couch and refuses to look at himself in his padded dress and long brown wig.
"You're not as convincing as you used to be," Koki says to Jin when the episode finishes. "And maybe you'd do you but I wouldn't. My standards must be higher."
Kame thinks this is pretty rich coming from a guy who dates AV actresses, but keeps quiet. He's more interested in Jin's reaction. Jin deflects the attention by bringing up the excruciating subject of Nakamaru in drag, which sets them all laughing and turns the topic away from himself.
Since returning from America Jin's been more self-conscious, easily embarrassed by some of the more outrageous things he has to do for his career. Kame wonders if that's it, if dressing up as a girl is something Jin had hoped to consign to his past and bury deep enough that he could forget about it. There probably isn't a guy in the agency who's never done it and it doesn't bother Kame. If Kimura Takuya can do it, he can do it. He is, after all, an entertainer.
But Jin doesn't like to think of himself as an idol.
Kame decides to test his theory one afternoon when Jin comes over to discuss lyrics with him. He's not very good with computers but Koki has shown him the joys of YouTube and the wealth of incriminating material to be found there - some of it with English subtitles, no less - and he's got a bunch of choice clips in his favourites.
On the pretext of looking up a song he says Jin ought to listen to he clicks on one of their old Shounen Club skits, with himself as a doctor and Jin as a nurse. Jin's wearing a long, dark blonde wig and a pink uniform and despite the fact that he seems like he'd be the most unreliable nurse ever (unless he worked in pediatrics) Kame's doctor likes to hit on him.
"Remember this one?" Kame says with a smile. "Dresses used to look better on you before your shoulders got so broad."
He expects Jin to say something sarcastic, or maybe bat him across the back of the head, but he doesn't expect him to look so blatantly uncomfortable. Jin's colour is high, except where he's biting his lower lip so hard it's turning white, and he's got a vice-like grip on his left wrist.
Kame takes pity on him and closes the tab. (The skit didn't end that well anyway.) Jin releases a long, slow breath, but the tension in the room doesn't decrease one bit.
"It's just a stupid skit," Kame says. "We've all had to do stuff like that. It's no big deal."
Jin shakes his head. "I still wish I'd never done it."
"Worried your American friends will find these old clips and realise you made a pretty girl? Jin, the entertainment industry has a long and glorious tradition of drag, even in the West. People win Oscars for playing the opposite gender, even. It's work for them and it's work for you." He turns away from his laptop to look Jin straight in the eye. "If your friends care about you at all, they'll understand that. We all have to do embarrassing stuff for work but that's all it is - work. You don't need to be ashamed of doing your job."
"It's not that," Jin says quietly, but he won't elaborate no matter how hard Kame presses.
The subject of cross-dressing doesn't rear its head again until KAT-TUN are discussing the tour for their third album, Queen of Pirates.
"The rest of us had to dress up as schoolgirls in concert last year," Ueda informs Jin. "You got to skip that, which is why I think you should be our pirate queen this year."
"Look at it as a promotion," Junno suggests.
"'Akanishi Jin: Queen of Pirates' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Koki says. "You can order people to walk the plank and everything."
"You'll have to wear a lot of leather, velvet and lace," Kame says, "but you'll get to carry a cutlass."
"How is that any different from our usual costumes?" Jin asks.
"It'll be a dress, for one thing." Nakamaru does a quick sketch of what the costume might look like; Koki picks up a pencil and increases the amount of bling. When Kame pulls a pen from his bag Nakamaru waves him away and adds, "Too many cooks, and all that."
There's not much Kame could add to the costume, which is gaudier than anything they've ever worn before - not so much 'pirate queen' as 'space alien princess'. Jin's face says he'd sooner walk the plank himself than go anywhere near it.
When Koki declares the masterpiece finished and holds it up for them to admire, Jin stares at the floor like he's waiting for it to open up and swallow him.
"We should get this made," Koki says. "The fans would love it. We could have a whole skit at the concerts about how this band of really cool pirates kidnapped a princess and turned her into their pirate queen."
"I'm not doing it," Jin says, still staring at the floor. "Find yourself another queen."
When Jin puts his foot down about something there's usually no budging him, not if he's decided to sulk. Kame heads off the fight by saying, "That costume looks like it would eat up our entire budget anyway," and that gets them talking about how many lasers they can use before they run out of money.
-----
After that, Kame finds himself noticing all sorts of little things. Like the way Jin flinches when Koki flips through his AnAn shoot and says it's a good thing he hadn't shaved that day or it would've looked like two girls together - not that he would've minded, he adds.
Or the time Jin gets caught by paparazzi at the airport and hides from the cameras because he isn't wearing any make-up. He gets teased about that for days.
When Jin starts doing his own shows, first as a member of KAT-TUN and then, after the agency's announcement, as a solo artist, Kame can't help but notice the difference in his concert gear. There might be a few sparkles on his jacket, and the dancers wear strange, glittery costumes in Jin's futuristic creation, but for the most part the outrageous costumes are gone, replaced by baggy jeans, black fedoras and plain T-shirts. Kame sits in on a dress rehearsal or two, since he knows he'll create unwanted commotion if he turns up for the actual shows, so he watches Jin dance his heart out in clothes in which he feels comfortable. It's the performances rather than the outfits that catch Kame's attention and he's sure that's the plan. No more ruffles, chains and random dead animal accessories - just Jin.
They don't get to speak as often as they used to now that they don't work together and before Kame knows it, Jin's released his first solo single. 'Eternal' is a beautiful song, befitting Jin's official debut as a soloist...but the PV seems somewhat plain. Kame appreciates that there's a limit to what Jin can do by himself, and really, the song doesn't need any ornamentation, but if he wants to watch Jin hide away in his hoodie he can do that without switching on his TV.
In the week after the release, they meet up one night to watch DVDs at Jin's place so Kame can practise his English with the aid of subtitled American movies. They stock up at the conbini first and Kame hears the usual 'click' that means someone's tried to catch a cellphone pic of them. The agency will quash it later - unless it serves their purposes.
Kame finds himself tuning out during the movie but snaps back to attention when one of the male cops dresses up as a woman to ensnare a crook. It's not so much the screen that has him riveted as Jin's face, which is slowly turning red. It's a comedy, which means the disguise isn't terribly convincing and when the cop begins to speak in a simpering falsetto Jin grabs the remote and forwards past the scene.
"I didn't think he was any good either," Kame says. "I could do much better. Even you could."
"I don't want to do better." Jin hits 'stop' instead of 'play'. "I'm not really enjoying the movie; can we try something else?"
Kame's still curious, and more interested in finding out what's going on than exploring the contents of Jin's DVD collection. "Forget the movie. Do you want to tell me what's going on with you? I know you don't like it, but-"
"It's...um..." Jin fidgets with the cuffs of his oversized sweatshirt. "It's not that I don't like it."
"Then...oh." Kame hopes he's not misinterpreting the situation or this is one friendship that's going to sour very quickly. "Jin, being in Johnny's messes with your head, you know that. We've got obsessive compulsives, kleptomaniacs, nymphomaniacs, egomaniacs, depressives, manic depressives, and more eating disorders than we know what to do with. We've got guys who've spent half their lives cuddling up to other guys and come out of it wondering if maybe the universe is trying to tell them something." Including Kame himself, but this isn't the time to be admitting that. "We're working in an industry where we get paid to be pretty, to pluck our eyebrows and wear make-up and dress flamboyantly. It's a miracle we're not all in therapy."
Jin progresses from fidgeting with his cuffs to hugging one of the couch cushions and Kame wonders if perhaps he's said the wrong thing. "Are you in therapy?"
"I'm not in therapy." Jin sighs and squeezes the cushion tighter. "That would involve talking to people."
"Do you...do you want to talk about it? To me? Because ever since you came back from America the first time- oh!" Kame thinks he's hit on something. They've never really talked much about why Jin went, but any idiot could've seen he was stressed out and in dire need of a change of scene. Kame had assumed it had all been down to the pressure and the chaos of their debut, something he'd understood only too well, but he'd had neither the time nor the energy to spare to help. "What happened in LA?"
"I...uh..."
Kame can see how difficult it is for Jin to talk about this but he has no idea what he can say to encourage him, so he waits patiently for Jin to organise his thoughts.
Eventually, Jin says, "When I was there, I figured it was a chance to see what it was like, not having to dress up all the time. To see if I still wanted to."
"In ruffles?"
"Not in ruffles." Jin is very firm about this. "Just...you know. Looking...nice."
"As opposed to the unshaven, baggy jeans, hood hiding your face look?"
"We all have our bad days, Kame."
"And did you still want to dress up?" Kame says carefully.
Jin nods, looking thoroughly abashed. "Not in cocktail dresses and stuff, but things like..."
"Like?"
"Like you wear, sometimes."
Kame freely admits he owns girls' clothing, or things that are unisex at best, but he doesn't really care because he likes what looks nice, or what's comfortable, regardless of which gender it was intended for. But then, he's much more comfortable in his own skin than he used to be, and the odd bout of girly behaviour doesn't bother him because he's secure in his own masculinity. Jin seems to be going in the other direction, dressing more masculine but acting more feminine, though some of that appears to be down to how much his shyness has come to the fore over the past few years.
"If you want to borrow anything from my wardrobe, feel free, but I'll be keeping track."
The reminder of Jin's tendency to borrow things and "forget" to return them makes him smile, finally, and that makes Kame relax too. Perhaps this won't be so awkward after all.
"For me it's not 'dressing up'," Kame says. "I wear whatever I feel like. But some days I just roll around in my underwear, don't bother to shave, and forget that I have this whole other existence that requires me to look good."
"Some days I do that too. And then other days, I'll put on lipstick and stare at myself in the mirror for hours."
"You ever go out like that?"
Jin stares at him like he's just suggested throwing himself out of an aeroplane without a parachute. "And let people see me?"
"If you did yourself up properly you could be pretty convincing," Kame says, and he should know. "Not like on television. Besides, you've already got the behaviour down."
He's trying to be helpful - complimentary even - but this doesn't appear to register with Jin, who merely looks upset. "It's that obvious?"
Kame shrugs. "Sometimes, yeah. But it's not your fault you've got such dainty ankles." Jin lets go of the pillow long enough to hit him with it so he adds, "We're all guilty of the same thing. You work in this industry long enough you start to pick things up without realising it. I can go from baseball player to schoolgirl without batting an eyelid."
"But it's just work for you, right? It doesn't affect you."
"I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all," Kame admits, "but it doesn't change who I am.
"Lots of guys like to wear women's clothing, Jin. You'd be amazed at all the emails I get about it to my radio show - not that I'm allowed to answer them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just one aspect of your personality, that's all. I'll take you to some of the clubs I go to, sometime. Trust me, no one will even look twice if you show up in heels and a miniskirt."
Intrigue flashes across Jin's face for a second but he doesn't follow it up, and Kame doesn't feel like elaborating on how his own nightlife differs from Jin's. He doesn't go out nearly as much, and when he does it's to rather more exclusive places where no one gives a damn about the gender of their dance partner, but he doesn't think Jin's ready to make his debut in heels.
"It's...um...it's not just the clothing." Jin's speaking so quietly Kame can barely hear him, but when the words reach his brain he realises he's probably out of his depth. Still, Jin doesn't have any other options, so he steels himself to listen and to do what he can to understand.
"It's okay," he murmurs, trying his best to be reassuring. He's been told on many occasions he's basically useless when it comes to offering comfort but Jin's known him long enough to read between the lines.
"It's not okay! I'm a guy, Kame. I have guy parts-"
Kame holds up his hands. "You don't have to prove it to me; I've seen them, thank you."
"-and I like girls. I like girls a lot. And they like me."
"As a sister?"
Jin glares at him. "I've never asked. But I'm not picky about my friends' genders, Kame. If we get along, if I trust them, that's good enough for me."
It's true enough that Jin doesn't discriminate by gender, as Kame's had many opportunities to notice over the years. Many of his friends are foreign now, or only half-Japanese, and he treats them all the same. It's only if there's a girl he particularly likes he'll act different around her, treat her like she's more than just 'one of the gang'. Exactly what Jin's role in that gang is, Kame's not sure.
He attempts to lighten the situation with humour. "Wait till Koki finds out you're a lesbian. He'll be thrilled."
"If Koki finds out anything I'll kill you," Jin says. "I'm not telling anyone else. I can't. I don't even know why I'm telling you, except that now I've started I can't stop and I have to tell someone because I want to hear that I'm not crazy."
Kame hates the desperation in Jin's voice. Humour doesn't work so he tries touch instead, gingerly resting a hand on Jin's forearm. "You're definitely not crazy. If you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
Jin tenses but doesn't pull away. "If I were completely sane, I wouldn't be feeling this way."
"There's a difference between being crazy and being confused." Kame's no therapist but he knows that much. "So how do you feel? Like you're actually a girl?"
"I've never been a girl, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like. But I've been a guy all my life and I don't think I'm supposed to be feeling some of this." Jin leans back on the couch, letting his chin tilt up so he's speaking to the ceiling. "I tried to look it up on the Internet for a while but Japan's hardly the best country in the world to be different, and some of the English articles confused me. It's not like I could've asked my friends to translate.
"It's not all the time. I don't want to have surgery, or take hormones, or do anything like that."
"Then what do you want?"
"To figure myself out, I guess."
"You should sue the agency for making you always be the girl in skits and use the money to pay for therapy," Kame says with a grin.
"That'd kill my career quicker than walking out the front door dressed as a cocktail waitress."
"Okay, forget the therapy and talk to Kamenselor Kazuya instead. I don't charge."
"As long as I don't have to call your radio show and announce to the world that I kind of like it when my friends...um..."
"Treat you like a girl?" Kame says helpfully.
"That sounds so weird!"
"It's true, though. People have always taken care of you, one way or another. I might've been the youngest but you were always the one who got sick, or got to skip out on things simply because he didn't want to do them. Your crew do it too. Everyone's overprotective."
"So I'm either everyone's kid or everyone's girlfriend. Great."
"Look on the bright side: you're popular, and not because you have a pretty smile and dainty ankles. Which you are far too proud of for a guy, by the way."
"They're my best feature," Jin sulks. "But it's not just the way they treat me nicer. It's like I want to be with girls as a girl."
Kame starts to wonder if Tegoshi might be a better person to speak to about this. "Buy your next girlfriend a strap-on?" he suggests. "Or try guys?"
"I'm not..." Jin trails off; Kame can practically see the wheels turning in his mind.
When it's obvious he has no clue how to deal with this sudden twist in the conversation, Kame tries an admission of his own. "It took me a long time to figure out it's not as simple as black or white, Jin. Everyone has traits you can class as typically masculine or feminine, and most people are a mix. How well that mix fits with your biological gender, and how comfortable you are with that, is up to you to decide. No one can tell you it's wrong. The important thing is that you're able to accept it so you don't let it stress you out. Life's too short to waste it worrying over whether or not it's too girly to paint your nails.
"And sexuality's something different altogether. Well, not different, exactly. Linked, but separate. You can't decide who you're attracted to based on your own gender - life doesn't work that way."
Jin gives him a searching gaze, one that says he's listening to everything that Kame's not saying. They've known each other too long for him to do otherwise. This isn't the time for Kame to share his own secrets, though. He doesn't want to confuse the issue. Jin has to figure himself out first, work out who he is and how he wants to interact with people, how he wants them to see him, till he reaches a place where he's comfortable with himself.
That, Kame knows from experience, can take a long time.
"I've watched you fret over this for years," he says. "Isn't it time you did something about it?"
"How do you mean?" Jin says warily.
"I mean, let's play it out a little. What are you doing Friday night?"
"I have the feeling you're about to tell me."
That's a good sign, Kame thinks. "If you're not busy, let's go for a meal. You dress up as much as you're comfortable with and I'll find us a restaurant where we're not likely to have any problems."
"But-"
"It's not like we don't go out to dinner from time to time anyway. This'll just be the next time, that's all." He can't tell if Jin's uneasiness is from the thought of going out in female attire or the prospect of a dinner date with a guy, so he adds, "It's not like it's a date. I mean, it might look like one to someone else, but it's just two friends having a meal together."
It takes another five minutes of persuasion before Kame manages to talk Jin into it, but he comes around in the end - on the condition that Kame pays for the meal.
-----
Friday night finds Kame outside Jin's apartment, having driven over to spare them the potential awkwardness of public transport. He'd agonised for an hour over whether or not to get into character by bringing flowers, but decided in the end that it might just make things more difficult. He's in the unusual position of not only participating in the meal but orchestrating it as well, and that's more than enough pressure to deal with.
Jin answers the door in a bathrobe, hair just about dry from the shower. He's obviously not ready to go out.
"You're not wimping out on me, are you?" Kame says.
"You're early," Jin grumbles. "Go watch TV or something."
Kame's not that early but it's not a normal night, either; rather than settle down in front of the TV he follows Jin into his bedroom to inspect his wardrobe choices. He's not sure what to expect, how far Jin wants to take this, but he's prepared for anything up to IKKO-level.
No skirts, no dresses. Jin's outfit turns out to be on the conservative side: stonewashed jeans tight enough to cling in all the right places; brown suede ankle boots; a short white T-shirt covered in sparkly purple hearts and a long black cardigan that hits him mid-thigh. He's not wearing any earrings but there's a silver chain around his neck, and his short dark hair fluffs out despite his best efforts to flatten it.
"You look nice," Kame says. "Is that my cardigan?"
"I think I stole it from Ueda, actually."
There's a nervous strain in Jin's voice so Kame offers to help him with his make-up. There's not much they don't know about it by now.
Again, Jin goes for the subtle approach. Eyeliner and mascara's no more than he normally has to wear for photoshoots anyway, and the smudges of lilac eyeshadow are a faint addition. He frowns over the lipstick, though.
"You wore more lipstick when you were playing Hayato," Kame points out. "It looks fine, trust me. You'll never pass as a girl except from a distance, though."
"I don't want to pass."
"Fine by me. Where we're going, no one will care. Ready?"
"No."
"Too bad." Kame takes out his car keys, which makes Jin burst out laughing.
"Why are you the one carrying a handbag?"
"One word about my Louis Vuitton and you're walking home from the restaurant," Kame warns. "And I prefer to think of it as a 'manbag'."
Jin's wise enough to drop the subject. It's not that late - only nine - but it's dark and the weather's still pretty cold. He wraps himself up in a black leather coat marginally longer than the cardigan, adding a scarf and gloves for good measure. He forgoes the hat after Kame points out that everyone in Japan can recognise him when he's wearing one.
Kame himself hasn't bothered with a disguise, on the grounds that then he'll look like he's trying to hide. (Besides, even an idol's got to eat.) He's wearing dark blue jeans, a black shirt over a white T-shirt, and boots not dissimilar to Jin's. Tonight he's not idol!Kamenashi, merely regular guy!Kamenashi, on a mission to help his friend embrace his feminine side. If dinner doesn't help, he figures the next step is accessory shopping.
They drive to Shinjuku and park down a dimly-lit side street, in the sort of area where Kame would think twice about going if he hadn't been there before. He reaches for his door handle.
Jin doesn't.
"Door's unlocked," Kame says. "Or would you like me to be gallant and open it for you?"
"Just...just give me a minute, okay?"
"The owner's a friend of mine," Kame says, trying to reassure him before a minute turns into an hour. "The worst he - or anyone else in there - will do is insult your choice of lipstick colour. You might find yourself getting offers of a manicure from the waitresses, half of whom were originally men, but if you want one you're paying for it yourself."
"That's not the point," Jin says tightly. Kame can't see him well in the poor lighting but his darkened eyes seem enormous in his pale face.
"Jin, I know you feel like you're doing something crazy here but the truth is, you don't look that different. Very pretty, but not outrageous. You look like..." Kame fishes around for a suitable analogy. "Like me on Shounen Club. No one's going to know what you're up to unless you tell them. If anyone asks you can say we're being filmed for a TV show, or you lost a bet, or something."
That seems to help. Jin takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay. Ready."
Kame opts to play the gentleman anyway and goes around to Jin's side to open the door for him. He draws the line at offering him a hand out and Jin doesn't wait for one, practically bolting for the restaurant door the second he emerges from the car.
Inside they're met by Rika-chan - formerly Riku-kun - who shows them to Kame's requested table, tucked away in a quiet corner where they can't be seen from outside. Kame leaves the choice of seats up to Jin; unsurprisingly, he chooses to sit with his back to the other patrons.
Not that anyone in there is interested in giving them a second glance. Their nearest neighbours are a pair of guys who seem completely wrapped up in each other - though one of them has a suspiciously well-padded chest for a guy, and Kame doesn't think it's due to spending time at the gym. The lights are bright enough to read the menu but not enough to reveal the diners' hidden secrets; it's the perfect place for Jin to take his first tentative steps.
Jin's not even looking at the other occupants of the restaurant - he's staring down at his menu, shoulders drawn and hair falling in his eyes.
"The chicken katsudon's really good here," Kame says. "I think I'm going to order the set. See anything you like?"
"Anything I can eat really quickly so we can get out of here," Jin mumbles. "I feel like a goldfish in a bowl."
"Then we'll stop by the pet store and get you some fish flakes afterwards."
A dumb crack it may be but at least it gets Jin to look up from his menu. "Sorry. I'm just so used to looking over my shoulder for cameras, or turning round to find some girl sneaking pics on her phone."
"They get thrown out if they try that here. Relax. Have a drink, if it helps."
"I think it might." Jin starts to look behind him, then turns back in alarm. "There's someone coming over!"
Kame rolls his eyes. "That's our waitress. Do you know what you want yet?"
They both opt for the chicken katsudon set. Jin clings to his beer like a drowning man to a life preserver while Kame, as the driver, sticks to water. As much as he'd like something stronger, he really doesn't want to leave his car here overnight. There's no way Jin will set foot on the trains, and getting a taxi these days can be a little...hit and miss.
Jin fidgets with his hot towel while they wait for their food, folding and unfolding it over and over again till Kame wants to take it away from him. At least he's not staring at the menu anymore.
"We should go do purikura after this," Kame says, just to tease him. "You look too cute not to."
If looks could kill, Kame would be pushing up daisies now. "My boots are pointier than yours," Jin says icily. "Don't make me kick you."
Kame peeks under the table at Jin's crossed legs. The boots are, indeed, quite lethal-looking.
When the food arrives Jin still won't look at the waitress and they get halfway through the meal before Kame realises why.
"You can ask, you know," he says.
Jin gives him an awkward, guilt-laden smile. "Is...was our waitress a guy?"
"Physically, yeah, up until about a year ago. But the only reason I know that is that she told me when she had the surgery."
"I couldn't tell," Jin says sadly.
Kame thinks that if this were a real date, now would be the time to reach across the table and take the hand of the person sitting opposite. But because it isn't, and because it's Jin, of all people, who really doesn't need anything else confusing him at this point, he rejects the idea.
"From what you've said, I don't think that's the right path for you. Riku's situation was...well, he'd known since he was a kid that he should've been Rika. He'd lived pretty much his entire life as a girl, as far as he could, and he's much happier now his inside and his outside match."
"I'm not interested in becoming a girl." Jin drains his small bowl of miso soup. "It's not that I'm unhappy as a guy."
"I'm sure your fans would be relieved to hear that."
"My fans aren't going to hear anything about this. Ever."
"I promise not to mention it on my radio show," Kame says. "I'll just say I spent my evening with Princess Vivi."
"What?"
Kame chuckles to himself and pulls out a copy of MORE from his bag. He turns to the interview and hands it to Jin. "Here."
Jin gets so absorbed in the magazine that he forgets to eat for a few minutes. Kame can tell when he reaches the important part because he drops his chopsticks.
"You compared me to a princess?"
"While talking about how the bonds between the six of us will never change even though one of our number has left the ship," Kame says. "I thought the pirate analogy was perfect for KAT-TUN."
"But you compared me to a princess!"
"If the tiara fits..."
Jin is slightly mollified when Kame lets him steal the last piece of chicken from his bowl. "You've ruined One Piece for me forever."
"It could be worse," Kame says. "I could've said we made you walk the plank and now you're doomed to languish at the bottom of the ocean for the rest of your career."
"That's no way to describe America!"
This leads them into a discussion on the US, during which Jin talks about his experiences on tour in different cities and Kame keeps his secret envy to himself, hoping that one day he'll get to have those experiences too. He's heard good things about San Francisco. Jin describes everything with the wide eyes and open heart of a man falling in love for the first time and it takes them both far away from the restaurant, to a place where they alone speak the language and every day seems like a dream.
They talk between bites until there's no food left and Jin's anxieties have long since faded. He can talk for hours when he's comfortable; Kame hopes this is a sign that he's feeling less self-conscious about his attire - or better yet, has forgotten it completely.
This appears to be the case until Jin pauses mid-sentence, slowly turning around to look at the two male-female couples who now occupy the table nearest them. It's the loud English conversation that's caught his ear; all four diners are clearly foreign - most likely tourists, Kame thinks - and have stopped in for a meal without knowing anything about the restaurant.
Or maybe they're curious. One of the men gives Jin an appraising glance and smiles, and Kame's heart sinks because now Jin's clamming up, abandoning his story about being on MTV in New York.
"And after they picked you up from your hotel?" Kame prompts.
Jin shakes his head. "I'll tell you some other time."
Kame wonders if the couples are saying anything about them. His English is light years behind Jin's as it is, and he's sitting further away. "I don't know if they're talking about you but-"
"They are," Jin says tightly. "And you. One of the women made a comment about how pretty Japanese guys are and pointed to us. Then her boyfriend joked about trading her in for me."
And like that, the whole evening's been shot to pieces. Kame sighs and pulls out his bag. "Here. The bathroom's on the left."
Jin peers inside. "Eye make-up remover?"
"And other stuff too. There's a plain T-shirt underneath. I thought you might need it."
"So that's why you're carrying this thing around." Jin closes the bag and hands it back. "Thanks, but there's no point. We've finished eating anyway; we might as well go."
Maybe the evening hasn't been a complete waste after all. Kame feels sort of proud when, as they walk up to the front to pay, Jin stops at the offending table and tells them, with his American English, that it's rude to talk about people behind their backs. The image of their stunned faces stays with him all the way back to the car.
Part 2
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: There isn't one, really, but Kame and Jin are the main characters in this.
Rating: PG
Genre: Angst, kind of AU
Word count: 13,250 (in 2 parts due to LJ's character limit)
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: There's nowt so queer as folk, especially when those folk happen to be in the entertainment industry.
A/N: threewalls left the following prompt on Katy's LJ: Jin in feminine garb (always a girl AU, Jin likes cross-dressing, or is trans/genderqueer are all interesting options). Gender issues are near and dear to my heart, so I took the idea and ran with it. Whether or not I ran too far, you'll have to decide for yourselves.
Be Your Own Secret Girlfriend (1/2)
When episode three of Yuukan Club airs, Jin gets all of KAT-TUN together to watch it so they can enjoy the spectacle of Junno in a wedding dress - or so Kame assumes, anyway, given Jin's frequent comments on the subject.
When episode eight airs, with both Jin and Junno in drag, Jin doesn't mention it at all. It's Junno who gets them together to watch, in order to have everyone admire his convincing turn as a blonde bombshell. Everyone else watches the screen but Kame watches Jin, who squirms uneasily on Ueda's couch and refuses to look at himself in his padded dress and long brown wig.
"You're not as convincing as you used to be," Koki says to Jin when the episode finishes. "And maybe you'd do you but I wouldn't. My standards must be higher."
Kame thinks this is pretty rich coming from a guy who dates AV actresses, but keeps quiet. He's more interested in Jin's reaction. Jin deflects the attention by bringing up the excruciating subject of Nakamaru in drag, which sets them all laughing and turns the topic away from himself.
Since returning from America Jin's been more self-conscious, easily embarrassed by some of the more outrageous things he has to do for his career. Kame wonders if that's it, if dressing up as a girl is something Jin had hoped to consign to his past and bury deep enough that he could forget about it. There probably isn't a guy in the agency who's never done it and it doesn't bother Kame. If Kimura Takuya can do it, he can do it. He is, after all, an entertainer.
But Jin doesn't like to think of himself as an idol.
Kame decides to test his theory one afternoon when Jin comes over to discuss lyrics with him. He's not very good with computers but Koki has shown him the joys of YouTube and the wealth of incriminating material to be found there - some of it with English subtitles, no less - and he's got a bunch of choice clips in his favourites.
On the pretext of looking up a song he says Jin ought to listen to he clicks on one of their old Shounen Club skits, with himself as a doctor and Jin as a nurse. Jin's wearing a long, dark blonde wig and a pink uniform and despite the fact that he seems like he'd be the most unreliable nurse ever (unless he worked in pediatrics) Kame's doctor likes to hit on him.
"Remember this one?" Kame says with a smile. "Dresses used to look better on you before your shoulders got so broad."
He expects Jin to say something sarcastic, or maybe bat him across the back of the head, but he doesn't expect him to look so blatantly uncomfortable. Jin's colour is high, except where he's biting his lower lip so hard it's turning white, and he's got a vice-like grip on his left wrist.
Kame takes pity on him and closes the tab. (The skit didn't end that well anyway.) Jin releases a long, slow breath, but the tension in the room doesn't decrease one bit.
"It's just a stupid skit," Kame says. "We've all had to do stuff like that. It's no big deal."
Jin shakes his head. "I still wish I'd never done it."
"Worried your American friends will find these old clips and realise you made a pretty girl? Jin, the entertainment industry has a long and glorious tradition of drag, even in the West. People win Oscars for playing the opposite gender, even. It's work for them and it's work for you." He turns away from his laptop to look Jin straight in the eye. "If your friends care about you at all, they'll understand that. We all have to do embarrassing stuff for work but that's all it is - work. You don't need to be ashamed of doing your job."
"It's not that," Jin says quietly, but he won't elaborate no matter how hard Kame presses.
The subject of cross-dressing doesn't rear its head again until KAT-TUN are discussing the tour for their third album, Queen of Pirates.
"The rest of us had to dress up as schoolgirls in concert last year," Ueda informs Jin. "You got to skip that, which is why I think you should be our pirate queen this year."
"Look at it as a promotion," Junno suggests.
"'Akanishi Jin: Queen of Pirates' has a nice ring to it, don't you think?" Koki says. "You can order people to walk the plank and everything."
"You'll have to wear a lot of leather, velvet and lace," Kame says, "but you'll get to carry a cutlass."
"How is that any different from our usual costumes?" Jin asks.
"It'll be a dress, for one thing." Nakamaru does a quick sketch of what the costume might look like; Koki picks up a pencil and increases the amount of bling. When Kame pulls a pen from his bag Nakamaru waves him away and adds, "Too many cooks, and all that."
There's not much Kame could add to the costume, which is gaudier than anything they've ever worn before - not so much 'pirate queen' as 'space alien princess'. Jin's face says he'd sooner walk the plank himself than go anywhere near it.
When Koki declares the masterpiece finished and holds it up for them to admire, Jin stares at the floor like he's waiting for it to open up and swallow him.
"We should get this made," Koki says. "The fans would love it. We could have a whole skit at the concerts about how this band of really cool pirates kidnapped a princess and turned her into their pirate queen."
"I'm not doing it," Jin says, still staring at the floor. "Find yourself another queen."
When Jin puts his foot down about something there's usually no budging him, not if he's decided to sulk. Kame heads off the fight by saying, "That costume looks like it would eat up our entire budget anyway," and that gets them talking about how many lasers they can use before they run out of money.
-----
After that, Kame finds himself noticing all sorts of little things. Like the way Jin flinches when Koki flips through his AnAn shoot and says it's a good thing he hadn't shaved that day or it would've looked like two girls together - not that he would've minded, he adds.
Or the time Jin gets caught by paparazzi at the airport and hides from the cameras because he isn't wearing any make-up. He gets teased about that for days.
When Jin starts doing his own shows, first as a member of KAT-TUN and then, after the agency's announcement, as a solo artist, Kame can't help but notice the difference in his concert gear. There might be a few sparkles on his jacket, and the dancers wear strange, glittery costumes in Jin's futuristic creation, but for the most part the outrageous costumes are gone, replaced by baggy jeans, black fedoras and plain T-shirts. Kame sits in on a dress rehearsal or two, since he knows he'll create unwanted commotion if he turns up for the actual shows, so he watches Jin dance his heart out in clothes in which he feels comfortable. It's the performances rather than the outfits that catch Kame's attention and he's sure that's the plan. No more ruffles, chains and random dead animal accessories - just Jin.
They don't get to speak as often as they used to now that they don't work together and before Kame knows it, Jin's released his first solo single. 'Eternal' is a beautiful song, befitting Jin's official debut as a soloist...but the PV seems somewhat plain. Kame appreciates that there's a limit to what Jin can do by himself, and really, the song doesn't need any ornamentation, but if he wants to watch Jin hide away in his hoodie he can do that without switching on his TV.
In the week after the release, they meet up one night to watch DVDs at Jin's place so Kame can practise his English with the aid of subtitled American movies. They stock up at the conbini first and Kame hears the usual 'click' that means someone's tried to catch a cellphone pic of them. The agency will quash it later - unless it serves their purposes.
Kame finds himself tuning out during the movie but snaps back to attention when one of the male cops dresses up as a woman to ensnare a crook. It's not so much the screen that has him riveted as Jin's face, which is slowly turning red. It's a comedy, which means the disguise isn't terribly convincing and when the cop begins to speak in a simpering falsetto Jin grabs the remote and forwards past the scene.
"I didn't think he was any good either," Kame says. "I could do much better. Even you could."
"I don't want to do better." Jin hits 'stop' instead of 'play'. "I'm not really enjoying the movie; can we try something else?"
Kame's still curious, and more interested in finding out what's going on than exploring the contents of Jin's DVD collection. "Forget the movie. Do you want to tell me what's going on with you? I know you don't like it, but-"
"It's...um..." Jin fidgets with the cuffs of his oversized sweatshirt. "It's not that I don't like it."
"Then...oh." Kame hopes he's not misinterpreting the situation or this is one friendship that's going to sour very quickly. "Jin, being in Johnny's messes with your head, you know that. We've got obsessive compulsives, kleptomaniacs, nymphomaniacs, egomaniacs, depressives, manic depressives, and more eating disorders than we know what to do with. We've got guys who've spent half their lives cuddling up to other guys and come out of it wondering if maybe the universe is trying to tell them something." Including Kame himself, but this isn't the time to be admitting that. "We're working in an industry where we get paid to be pretty, to pluck our eyebrows and wear make-up and dress flamboyantly. It's a miracle we're not all in therapy."
Jin progresses from fidgeting with his cuffs to hugging one of the couch cushions and Kame wonders if perhaps he's said the wrong thing. "Are you in therapy?"
"I'm not in therapy." Jin sighs and squeezes the cushion tighter. "That would involve talking to people."
"Do you...do you want to talk about it? To me? Because ever since you came back from America the first time- oh!" Kame thinks he's hit on something. They've never really talked much about why Jin went, but any idiot could've seen he was stressed out and in dire need of a change of scene. Kame had assumed it had all been down to the pressure and the chaos of their debut, something he'd understood only too well, but he'd had neither the time nor the energy to spare to help. "What happened in LA?"
"I...uh..."
Kame can see how difficult it is for Jin to talk about this but he has no idea what he can say to encourage him, so he waits patiently for Jin to organise his thoughts.
Eventually, Jin says, "When I was there, I figured it was a chance to see what it was like, not having to dress up all the time. To see if I still wanted to."
"In ruffles?"
"Not in ruffles." Jin is very firm about this. "Just...you know. Looking...nice."
"As opposed to the unshaven, baggy jeans, hood hiding your face look?"
"We all have our bad days, Kame."
"And did you still want to dress up?" Kame says carefully.
Jin nods, looking thoroughly abashed. "Not in cocktail dresses and stuff, but things like..."
"Like?"
"Like you wear, sometimes."
Kame freely admits he owns girls' clothing, or things that are unisex at best, but he doesn't really care because he likes what looks nice, or what's comfortable, regardless of which gender it was intended for. But then, he's much more comfortable in his own skin than he used to be, and the odd bout of girly behaviour doesn't bother him because he's secure in his own masculinity. Jin seems to be going in the other direction, dressing more masculine but acting more feminine, though some of that appears to be down to how much his shyness has come to the fore over the past few years.
"If you want to borrow anything from my wardrobe, feel free, but I'll be keeping track."
The reminder of Jin's tendency to borrow things and "forget" to return them makes him smile, finally, and that makes Kame relax too. Perhaps this won't be so awkward after all.
"For me it's not 'dressing up'," Kame says. "I wear whatever I feel like. But some days I just roll around in my underwear, don't bother to shave, and forget that I have this whole other existence that requires me to look good."
"Some days I do that too. And then other days, I'll put on lipstick and stare at myself in the mirror for hours."
"You ever go out like that?"
Jin stares at him like he's just suggested throwing himself out of an aeroplane without a parachute. "And let people see me?"
"If you did yourself up properly you could be pretty convincing," Kame says, and he should know. "Not like on television. Besides, you've already got the behaviour down."
He's trying to be helpful - complimentary even - but this doesn't appear to register with Jin, who merely looks upset. "It's that obvious?"
Kame shrugs. "Sometimes, yeah. But it's not your fault you've got such dainty ankles." Jin lets go of the pillow long enough to hit him with it so he adds, "We're all guilty of the same thing. You work in this industry long enough you start to pick things up without realising it. I can go from baseball player to schoolgirl without batting an eyelid."
"But it's just work for you, right? It doesn't affect you."
"I'd be lying if I said it didn't affect me at all," Kame admits, "but it doesn't change who I am.
"Lots of guys like to wear women's clothing, Jin. You'd be amazed at all the emails I get about it to my radio show - not that I'm allowed to answer them. There's nothing wrong with that. It's just one aspect of your personality, that's all. I'll take you to some of the clubs I go to, sometime. Trust me, no one will even look twice if you show up in heels and a miniskirt."
Intrigue flashes across Jin's face for a second but he doesn't follow it up, and Kame doesn't feel like elaborating on how his own nightlife differs from Jin's. He doesn't go out nearly as much, and when he does it's to rather more exclusive places where no one gives a damn about the gender of their dance partner, but he doesn't think Jin's ready to make his debut in heels.
"It's...um...it's not just the clothing." Jin's speaking so quietly Kame can barely hear him, but when the words reach his brain he realises he's probably out of his depth. Still, Jin doesn't have any other options, so he steels himself to listen and to do what he can to understand.
"It's okay," he murmurs, trying his best to be reassuring. He's been told on many occasions he's basically useless when it comes to offering comfort but Jin's known him long enough to read between the lines.
"It's not okay! I'm a guy, Kame. I have guy parts-"
Kame holds up his hands. "You don't have to prove it to me; I've seen them, thank you."
"-and I like girls. I like girls a lot. And they like me."
"As a sister?"
Jin glares at him. "I've never asked. But I'm not picky about my friends' genders, Kame. If we get along, if I trust them, that's good enough for me."
It's true enough that Jin doesn't discriminate by gender, as Kame's had many opportunities to notice over the years. Many of his friends are foreign now, or only half-Japanese, and he treats them all the same. It's only if there's a girl he particularly likes he'll act different around her, treat her like she's more than just 'one of the gang'. Exactly what Jin's role in that gang is, Kame's not sure.
He attempts to lighten the situation with humour. "Wait till Koki finds out you're a lesbian. He'll be thrilled."
"If Koki finds out anything I'll kill you," Jin says. "I'm not telling anyone else. I can't. I don't even know why I'm telling you, except that now I've started I can't stop and I have to tell someone because I want to hear that I'm not crazy."
Kame hates the desperation in Jin's voice. Humour doesn't work so he tries touch instead, gingerly resting a hand on Jin's forearm. "You're definitely not crazy. If you were, we wouldn't be having this conversation."
Jin tenses but doesn't pull away. "If I were completely sane, I wouldn't be feeling this way."
"There's a difference between being crazy and being confused." Kame's no therapist but he knows that much. "So how do you feel? Like you're actually a girl?"
"I've never been a girl, so I don't know what it's supposed to feel like. But I've been a guy all my life and I don't think I'm supposed to be feeling some of this." Jin leans back on the couch, letting his chin tilt up so he's speaking to the ceiling. "I tried to look it up on the Internet for a while but Japan's hardly the best country in the world to be different, and some of the English articles confused me. It's not like I could've asked my friends to translate.
"It's not all the time. I don't want to have surgery, or take hormones, or do anything like that."
"Then what do you want?"
"To figure myself out, I guess."
"You should sue the agency for making you always be the girl in skits and use the money to pay for therapy," Kame says with a grin.
"That'd kill my career quicker than walking out the front door dressed as a cocktail waitress."
"Okay, forget the therapy and talk to Kamenselor Kazuya instead. I don't charge."
"As long as I don't have to call your radio show and announce to the world that I kind of like it when my friends...um..."
"Treat you like a girl?" Kame says helpfully.
"That sounds so weird!"
"It's true, though. People have always taken care of you, one way or another. I might've been the youngest but you were always the one who got sick, or got to skip out on things simply because he didn't want to do them. Your crew do it too. Everyone's overprotective."
"So I'm either everyone's kid or everyone's girlfriend. Great."
"Look on the bright side: you're popular, and not because you have a pretty smile and dainty ankles. Which you are far too proud of for a guy, by the way."
"They're my best feature," Jin sulks. "But it's not just the way they treat me nicer. It's like I want to be with girls as a girl."
Kame starts to wonder if Tegoshi might be a better person to speak to about this. "Buy your next girlfriend a strap-on?" he suggests. "Or try guys?"
"I'm not..." Jin trails off; Kame can practically see the wheels turning in his mind.
When it's obvious he has no clue how to deal with this sudden twist in the conversation, Kame tries an admission of his own. "It took me a long time to figure out it's not as simple as black or white, Jin. Everyone has traits you can class as typically masculine or feminine, and most people are a mix. How well that mix fits with your biological gender, and how comfortable you are with that, is up to you to decide. No one can tell you it's wrong. The important thing is that you're able to accept it so you don't let it stress you out. Life's too short to waste it worrying over whether or not it's too girly to paint your nails.
"And sexuality's something different altogether. Well, not different, exactly. Linked, but separate. You can't decide who you're attracted to based on your own gender - life doesn't work that way."
Jin gives him a searching gaze, one that says he's listening to everything that Kame's not saying. They've known each other too long for him to do otherwise. This isn't the time for Kame to share his own secrets, though. He doesn't want to confuse the issue. Jin has to figure himself out first, work out who he is and how he wants to interact with people, how he wants them to see him, till he reaches a place where he's comfortable with himself.
That, Kame knows from experience, can take a long time.
"I've watched you fret over this for years," he says. "Isn't it time you did something about it?"
"How do you mean?" Jin says warily.
"I mean, let's play it out a little. What are you doing Friday night?"
"I have the feeling you're about to tell me."
That's a good sign, Kame thinks. "If you're not busy, let's go for a meal. You dress up as much as you're comfortable with and I'll find us a restaurant where we're not likely to have any problems."
"But-"
"It's not like we don't go out to dinner from time to time anyway. This'll just be the next time, that's all." He can't tell if Jin's uneasiness is from the thought of going out in female attire or the prospect of a dinner date with a guy, so he adds, "It's not like it's a date. I mean, it might look like one to someone else, but it's just two friends having a meal together."
It takes another five minutes of persuasion before Kame manages to talk Jin into it, but he comes around in the end - on the condition that Kame pays for the meal.
-----
Friday night finds Kame outside Jin's apartment, having driven over to spare them the potential awkwardness of public transport. He'd agonised for an hour over whether or not to get into character by bringing flowers, but decided in the end that it might just make things more difficult. He's in the unusual position of not only participating in the meal but orchestrating it as well, and that's more than enough pressure to deal with.
Jin answers the door in a bathrobe, hair just about dry from the shower. He's obviously not ready to go out.
"You're not wimping out on me, are you?" Kame says.
"You're early," Jin grumbles. "Go watch TV or something."
Kame's not that early but it's not a normal night, either; rather than settle down in front of the TV he follows Jin into his bedroom to inspect his wardrobe choices. He's not sure what to expect, how far Jin wants to take this, but he's prepared for anything up to IKKO-level.
No skirts, no dresses. Jin's outfit turns out to be on the conservative side: stonewashed jeans tight enough to cling in all the right places; brown suede ankle boots; a short white T-shirt covered in sparkly purple hearts and a long black cardigan that hits him mid-thigh. He's not wearing any earrings but there's a silver chain around his neck, and his short dark hair fluffs out despite his best efforts to flatten it.
"You look nice," Kame says. "Is that my cardigan?"
"I think I stole it from Ueda, actually."
There's a nervous strain in Jin's voice so Kame offers to help him with his make-up. There's not much they don't know about it by now.
Again, Jin goes for the subtle approach. Eyeliner and mascara's no more than he normally has to wear for photoshoots anyway, and the smudges of lilac eyeshadow are a faint addition. He frowns over the lipstick, though.
"You wore more lipstick when you were playing Hayato," Kame points out. "It looks fine, trust me. You'll never pass as a girl except from a distance, though."
"I don't want to pass."
"Fine by me. Where we're going, no one will care. Ready?"
"No."
"Too bad." Kame takes out his car keys, which makes Jin burst out laughing.
"Why are you the one carrying a handbag?"
"One word about my Louis Vuitton and you're walking home from the restaurant," Kame warns. "And I prefer to think of it as a 'manbag'."
Jin's wise enough to drop the subject. It's not that late - only nine - but it's dark and the weather's still pretty cold. He wraps himself up in a black leather coat marginally longer than the cardigan, adding a scarf and gloves for good measure. He forgoes the hat after Kame points out that everyone in Japan can recognise him when he's wearing one.
Kame himself hasn't bothered with a disguise, on the grounds that then he'll look like he's trying to hide. (Besides, even an idol's got to eat.) He's wearing dark blue jeans, a black shirt over a white T-shirt, and boots not dissimilar to Jin's. Tonight he's not idol!Kamenashi, merely regular guy!Kamenashi, on a mission to help his friend embrace his feminine side. If dinner doesn't help, he figures the next step is accessory shopping.
They drive to Shinjuku and park down a dimly-lit side street, in the sort of area where Kame would think twice about going if he hadn't been there before. He reaches for his door handle.
Jin doesn't.
"Door's unlocked," Kame says. "Or would you like me to be gallant and open it for you?"
"Just...just give me a minute, okay?"
"The owner's a friend of mine," Kame says, trying to reassure him before a minute turns into an hour. "The worst he - or anyone else in there - will do is insult your choice of lipstick colour. You might find yourself getting offers of a manicure from the waitresses, half of whom were originally men, but if you want one you're paying for it yourself."
"That's not the point," Jin says tightly. Kame can't see him well in the poor lighting but his darkened eyes seem enormous in his pale face.
"Jin, I know you feel like you're doing something crazy here but the truth is, you don't look that different. Very pretty, but not outrageous. You look like..." Kame fishes around for a suitable analogy. "Like me on Shounen Club. No one's going to know what you're up to unless you tell them. If anyone asks you can say we're being filmed for a TV show, or you lost a bet, or something."
That seems to help. Jin takes a deep breath and nods. "Okay. Ready."
Kame opts to play the gentleman anyway and goes around to Jin's side to open the door for him. He draws the line at offering him a hand out and Jin doesn't wait for one, practically bolting for the restaurant door the second he emerges from the car.
Inside they're met by Rika-chan - formerly Riku-kun - who shows them to Kame's requested table, tucked away in a quiet corner where they can't be seen from outside. Kame leaves the choice of seats up to Jin; unsurprisingly, he chooses to sit with his back to the other patrons.
Not that anyone in there is interested in giving them a second glance. Their nearest neighbours are a pair of guys who seem completely wrapped up in each other - though one of them has a suspiciously well-padded chest for a guy, and Kame doesn't think it's due to spending time at the gym. The lights are bright enough to read the menu but not enough to reveal the diners' hidden secrets; it's the perfect place for Jin to take his first tentative steps.
Jin's not even looking at the other occupants of the restaurant - he's staring down at his menu, shoulders drawn and hair falling in his eyes.
"The chicken katsudon's really good here," Kame says. "I think I'm going to order the set. See anything you like?"
"Anything I can eat really quickly so we can get out of here," Jin mumbles. "I feel like a goldfish in a bowl."
"Then we'll stop by the pet store and get you some fish flakes afterwards."
A dumb crack it may be but at least it gets Jin to look up from his menu. "Sorry. I'm just so used to looking over my shoulder for cameras, or turning round to find some girl sneaking pics on her phone."
"They get thrown out if they try that here. Relax. Have a drink, if it helps."
"I think it might." Jin starts to look behind him, then turns back in alarm. "There's someone coming over!"
Kame rolls his eyes. "That's our waitress. Do you know what you want yet?"
They both opt for the chicken katsudon set. Jin clings to his beer like a drowning man to a life preserver while Kame, as the driver, sticks to water. As much as he'd like something stronger, he really doesn't want to leave his car here overnight. There's no way Jin will set foot on the trains, and getting a taxi these days can be a little...hit and miss.
Jin fidgets with his hot towel while they wait for their food, folding and unfolding it over and over again till Kame wants to take it away from him. At least he's not staring at the menu anymore.
"We should go do purikura after this," Kame says, just to tease him. "You look too cute not to."
If looks could kill, Kame would be pushing up daisies now. "My boots are pointier than yours," Jin says icily. "Don't make me kick you."
Kame peeks under the table at Jin's crossed legs. The boots are, indeed, quite lethal-looking.
When the food arrives Jin still won't look at the waitress and they get halfway through the meal before Kame realises why.
"You can ask, you know," he says.
Jin gives him an awkward, guilt-laden smile. "Is...was our waitress a guy?"
"Physically, yeah, up until about a year ago. But the only reason I know that is that she told me when she had the surgery."
"I couldn't tell," Jin says sadly.
Kame thinks that if this were a real date, now would be the time to reach across the table and take the hand of the person sitting opposite. But because it isn't, and because it's Jin, of all people, who really doesn't need anything else confusing him at this point, he rejects the idea.
"From what you've said, I don't think that's the right path for you. Riku's situation was...well, he'd known since he was a kid that he should've been Rika. He'd lived pretty much his entire life as a girl, as far as he could, and he's much happier now his inside and his outside match."
"I'm not interested in becoming a girl." Jin drains his small bowl of miso soup. "It's not that I'm unhappy as a guy."
"I'm sure your fans would be relieved to hear that."
"My fans aren't going to hear anything about this. Ever."
"I promise not to mention it on my radio show," Kame says. "I'll just say I spent my evening with Princess Vivi."
"What?"
Kame chuckles to himself and pulls out a copy of MORE from his bag. He turns to the interview and hands it to Jin. "Here."
Jin gets so absorbed in the magazine that he forgets to eat for a few minutes. Kame can tell when he reaches the important part because he drops his chopsticks.
"You compared me to a princess?"
"While talking about how the bonds between the six of us will never change even though one of our number has left the ship," Kame says. "I thought the pirate analogy was perfect for KAT-TUN."
"But you compared me to a princess!"
"If the tiara fits..."
Jin is slightly mollified when Kame lets him steal the last piece of chicken from his bowl. "You've ruined One Piece for me forever."
"It could be worse," Kame says. "I could've said we made you walk the plank and now you're doomed to languish at the bottom of the ocean for the rest of your career."
"That's no way to describe America!"
This leads them into a discussion on the US, during which Jin talks about his experiences on tour in different cities and Kame keeps his secret envy to himself, hoping that one day he'll get to have those experiences too. He's heard good things about San Francisco. Jin describes everything with the wide eyes and open heart of a man falling in love for the first time and it takes them both far away from the restaurant, to a place where they alone speak the language and every day seems like a dream.
They talk between bites until there's no food left and Jin's anxieties have long since faded. He can talk for hours when he's comfortable; Kame hopes this is a sign that he's feeling less self-conscious about his attire - or better yet, has forgotten it completely.
This appears to be the case until Jin pauses mid-sentence, slowly turning around to look at the two male-female couples who now occupy the table nearest them. It's the loud English conversation that's caught his ear; all four diners are clearly foreign - most likely tourists, Kame thinks - and have stopped in for a meal without knowing anything about the restaurant.
Or maybe they're curious. One of the men gives Jin an appraising glance and smiles, and Kame's heart sinks because now Jin's clamming up, abandoning his story about being on MTV in New York.
"And after they picked you up from your hotel?" Kame prompts.
Jin shakes his head. "I'll tell you some other time."
Kame wonders if the couples are saying anything about them. His English is light years behind Jin's as it is, and he's sitting further away. "I don't know if they're talking about you but-"
"They are," Jin says tightly. "And you. One of the women made a comment about how pretty Japanese guys are and pointed to us. Then her boyfriend joked about trading her in for me."
And like that, the whole evening's been shot to pieces. Kame sighs and pulls out his bag. "Here. The bathroom's on the left."
Jin peers inside. "Eye make-up remover?"
"And other stuff too. There's a plain T-shirt underneath. I thought you might need it."
"So that's why you're carrying this thing around." Jin closes the bag and hands it back. "Thanks, but there's no point. We've finished eating anyway; we might as well go."
Maybe the evening hasn't been a complete waste after all. Kame feels sort of proud when, as they walk up to the front to pay, Jin stops at the offending table and tells them, with his American English, that it's rude to talk about people behind their backs. The image of their stunned faces stays with him all the way back to the car.
Part 2