[JE] Fast Train to Chinatown 2/2
Title: Fast Train to Chinatown (2/2)
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame/Jin
Rating: R, just to be safe
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 14,410
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Kame gets carried away with his new drama role, so Jin carries him off to Kobe for the weekend.
A/N: The photos linked in the text are mine, taken in February. My apologies to the guy writing about his wife on the wall; I had to paraphrase a little bit!
Fast Train to Chinatown (2/2)
Part 1
Kame wakes up on Christmas Eve with a crick in his neck from the hard, flat pillow. It's not the best start he's ever had to a morning. He can hear the sound of trains from the station across the road; somewhere behind the room, the lift doors open and close.
What he can't hear is Jin breathing beside him, but that's because Jin's in the shower and he emerges from the tiny bathroom just as Kame manages to rub the last of the sleep from his eyes.
"'Morning."
"'Morning." Kame pushes the covers aside. "Did we run away?"
"Only as far as Kobe. Did you sleep enough?"
Kame checks his watch. It's already eleven. "Definitely."
"Good, then we can go find food. I'm starved."
The tiny hotel towel around Jin's hips doesn't do anything to conceal the lack of meat on his bones. If Kame didn't know better, he'd swear Jin no longer eats now that he's not being forced to do so on variety shows. Fortunately, there are no problems with Jin's appetite - he's dancing a lot more than he used to, and that always makes him drop weight.
"I could do with some breakfast myself," Kame says. "Or lunch, I guess."
He takes his own turn in the miniature bathroom, which is designed so that only the undernourished have room to move. There's mold on the shower curtain and he makes a mental note to complain about it when they go out. Between that, the threadbare carpet and the proximity to the station, the hotel wouldn't have been his first choice, but it's only for another night, after all. He can afford much better now, but this weekend it doesn't matter where he is...because he's with Jin.
It's cold when they switch off the heating. Kame doesn't bother to shave. He doesn't have to be an idol today. Doesn't have to be anyone but himself, with a hint of stubble, no make-up, and a plain grey beanie.
They don't look like two of Japan's top idols, he and Jin, when they're ready to go out. Jin's hidden under his hat again and between that, his coat collar and giant sunglasses, very little of his face is visible. He's not wearing any make-up either.
When they leave the room in search of food, Kame makes his complaint about the shower curtain, which the staff assure him they will change immediately. There's a restaurant in the hotel, along with a number of other facilities whose details are plastered all over the walls of the lift, but they opt to venture out instead. Despite the chill, it's good to be out in the winter sun.
Not that they walk far. Just beside the hotel Jin spots a familiar yellow and brown CoCo sign and decides he wants curry for lunch. They're not getting anywhere near a KFC this weekend but there's fried chicken curry and that's close enough. Jin wins the challenge of who can take the hotter curry - purely, Kame says, because he has no tastebuds left.
After lunch they take a stroll. The Luminarie's over but the streets are still hung with lights; when night falls, Kobe will become a fairyland. Perfect place for a Christmas date, if only this were a date. It's not, no matter how much Kame would like it to be. It's an intervention, a friend saving a friend from drama-induced stress, so Kame resolves to enjoy it for what it is and not wish for anything more.
The gates and lanterns of Chinatown await them behind the hotel. Motomachi's full of shops, many with obnoxiously cheerful Christmas displays, but Kame can shop anywhere he wants and frequently does. That's not why they're here.
"It's been a while," Jin says. "Not as close as Yokohama, but..."
They've done that before - stolen time from their schedules to slip away to Yokohama and wander around Chinatown. Kobe's not so different. At least today, they don't have to work. No baseball games, no BANDAGE filming, no one else's timetable to live by.
"I always feel like I'm working in Yokohama," Kame says. "I don't get that here."
"Turn up for work like this and your stylist would have a fit," Jin says, tugging on his hat. "You don't look like someone who even knows what fashion is."
"That's rich, coming from a guy who practically lives in hoodies."
They're both far too drab for their surroundings - dun, dreary nobodies floating in a sea of vibrant reds and glittering golds. People pass by in waves, breaking around them as they stream off to shop for souvenirs, or to warm themselves with steaming dumplings.
It's like being invisible. Kame feels free, though not free enough to take Jin's gloved hand in his and stroll through the streets like the couples all around them. Jin's not even attempting to pass for a girl today, which means Kame doesn't get to play fake boyfriend. It's enough that their hands brush sometimes as they walk; he feels the slide of familiar fingers against his own, even through the gloves.
Kobe's Chinatown isn't as big as Yokohama's but it's still bustling. Jin wanders this way and that, looking longingly at restaurants and regretting his decision to have curry for lunch. Kame laughs at his mournful expression, deciding then and there to find them something suitably sweet for a dessert. There's plenty to choose from. Everywhere he looks, beautifully made cakes and pastries attract his eye, beckoning him over with their warming colours and varied shapes.
"You should have one of these," Jin says, pointing to a small pink cake in the shape of a turtle. "Or would that be cannibalism?"
Kame groans. "Idiot."
"Your own fault for encouraging people to make that link."
Jin has a point. Kame encourages it because it makes him memorable; not to mention, it's an excellent ice-breaker if he has to introduce himself in English. He's been a turtle, at times - hiding in his shell - but he's not hiding anymore. He's sticking his neck out and waiting for people to notice.
If anything, Jin's name is more relevant. Perhaps if he hadn't had 'west' in his surname he wouldn't have been so obsessed with going there. They've both gone west now, of course, but Kobe's not far enough for Jin and he won't stop till he's been everywhere he wants to be - maybe not even then. But Kame wouldn't have it any other way.
He manages to steer Jin away from the turtles, towards a small stall selling round flaky pastries made with winter melon and spices, topped with sesame seeds. He buys two, one for each of them, but waits till they find a quiet corner to stand where no one will trip over them before handing one to Jin.
"Dessert," Kame says.
"Did you just buy me a wife cake?"
"I prefer 'sweetheart cake'." Kame grins and peels off a glove so he doesn't get flakes all over it. "You'd make a terrible wife. Not much for housework, bad eating habits, you don't really cook..."
Jin giggles behind his pastry. "You'd make a great housewife, except that you'd drive your husband crazy. Baseball morning, noon and night."
"I'll have to marry a baseball player," Kame says, playing along with as straight a face as he can manage. "We could go on dates to the batting cages and spend our honeymoon in America watching MLB games."
They spin out the tale as they eat, keeping it light until Jin suddenly asks, "Do you think you'll ever marry? For real?"
"Probably not." Kame crumples his wrapper, squeezing it as small as it will go. "I love kids too, you know, but I don't think I can marry someone I'm not in love with."
He doesn't say "someone I don't love" because he loves his friends, and it's not inconceivable that one of his female friends would be willing to play the part for him in public, go through with a sham marriage and provide kids, if he found someone who wanted that too. It wouldn't be a loveless marriage...but it wouldn't be real, either, and he's not interested in living a lie. Not to that extent. He can live with showing a different face to his fans but he's not about to create an entire fictional life for himself. He'll leave that to his drama characters.
"I'd only marry for love," Jin says. "But I guess that's not happening either."
-----
From Chinatown they keep walking till they reach Harborland, stopping every so often to check the maps dotting the route. Once they spot the Port Tower, however, it's impossible for them to lose their way. It looks like a tall red hourglass; a Tokyo Tower squeezed in the middle to bulk out the top.
Men call out to them, offering boat rides around the harbour. Many are out already, white specks on the water - some filled with tourists, some earning their livelihood in less sanitary ways.
"Want to take a ride?" Jin asks, but Kame shakes his head before he can even finish asking the question.
"It's windy enough on the dock. It'll be like ice out there, which means we'll both freeze."
"And I'll catch another cold," Jin says glumly. "Fine, no boat ride. I kind of like the look of that one, though."
The boat to which Jin points is clearly not used for fishing or cargo. It's bright pink, for one thing, and so ornate it wouldn't look out of place at a KAT-TUN concert. That, or a live-action Disney movie. The gold's a little shabby and the pink could do with a touch-up, but it's easily the most colourful boat in the area.
"Come back in summer," Kame says. "You should bring Yamapi. I think he'd like it. Just imagine all the Juniors you could have, riding on that thing."
Jin doesn't have Juniors in his concerts anymore, of course - even FiVe have been supplanted by outsiders - but so many years of history are not easily forgotten. He starts to respond, then cuts himself off sharply and turns around.
"Ex-girlfriend?" Kame says.
"Not this time. I think that guy just took a picture of us."
Kame's paparazzi senses haven't been tingling but admittedly, he's been distracted. He looks cautiously over his shoulder. There's a middle-aged guy holding a gigantic black camera, taking photos of a pair of young parents, the mother carrying the baby in a sling and the father laughing at something she's saying.
The photographer notices Kame staring and smiles, then points his camera at them again. Kame turns away.
"I think he's just taking photos of everyone, rather than because of who we are," he says to Jin. "He'll probably delete it if we ask him. Do you want me to?"
"You'd get sidetracked raving about his camera," Jin says, and he's right. "It's okay. I guess we're not so easy to recognise like this."
They quicken their pace anyway, careful not to look at the camera as they march out of range. Shops and hotels await them at the end of the dock but Kame's intrigued by a crowd of people gazing at a wall so he steers them in that direction to investigate.
It's another twenty minutes before they move on, because Kame insists on reading every single one of the messages written on the wall - especially the ones written by players from the Orix Buffaloes, of which there are many. Jin's not so interested in the baseball but he likes the cute drawings, many of which feature Pikachu, and some of the heartfelt, romantic messages leave both of them with sappy smiles on their faces.
"I like the one who says his heart is in Kobe because he met his wife here," Jin says.
Kame doesn't say it, but his heart will always be a little bit in Kobe now too. "I bought a wife cake - does that count?"
"Sweetheart cake. And if you ever tell anyone I will kill you."
"'Anyone' meaning Ryo?"
"Exactly."
"Should I have bought husband cakes instead? Maybe that would go down better with your friends."
Jin tilts his head enough for Kame to see he's grinning behind his coat collar. "At that point I would've eaten anything, including a cake to congratulate me on my pregnancy."
A pregnant Jin doesn't bear thinking about. Finally finished with the wall, they continue their exploration of the harbour. Soon the sun will set and Kame would prefer to be away from the water when it gets dark.
To warm themselves a little they venture into the shopping complex, Mosaic, browsing without purpose until Jin decides he could do with a scarf. He should've brought one, really. Jin's terrible about dressing warm enough for the weather, which is ridiculous considering how easily he gets sick.
"This one suits you best." Kame holds up a burgundy scarf decorated with playful pandas. "You should get it."
"Not this one?" Jin's holding a plain yellow one with gold tassels on the ends.
"There's such a thing as taking symbolism too far."
Kame doesn't have a scarf with him either - he'd meant to bring one but he'd been in a rush to leave for the station. Jin finds him a pale blue one, patterned with penguins. It's the same price as the panda scarf.
"I'll wear the pandas if you wear the penguins," Jin says.
It's likely the cheapest Christmas present either of them has bought in years. They pay for the scarves separately and remove the tags before making the exchange. It's not quite Christmas yet but it's close enough. They laugh when they realise the scarves clash with everything else they're wearing.
"I bet we could still start a trend, though," Kame says.
"Not here. Everyone's better dressed than we are."
"I like to think of this as practising my disguise skills for the drama."
"No rehearsing!" Jin says. He sounds like he's accusing Kame of murder. "You're supposed to be relaxing."
"I'm relaxed, I promise!"
"Not secretly thinking about work?"
They're getting strange looks from the other shoppers so Kame leads them back outside, now that they're better equipped for the weather, before he says, "You mean I have a job?"
Jin whacks him lightly on the arm. "Nope. You're an unemployed drop-out in a penguin scarf."
"Which makes you an equally unemployed drop-out in a panda scarf," Kame says, unable to keep a mischievous smile from his face. "This is the best non-Christmas non-date I've ever had."
"It's Christmas Eve, even if it's not really evening yet. That still counts." What little can be seen of Jin's face under the winter wraps is pleasingly pink. Kame notes that he doesn't correct the 'non-date' assumption.
"Then, if we're not on a date, I guess we can't go on the Ferris wheel?"
"We could still go, if you want." Jin's colour's not fading any time soon.
Kame does want, but sadly so does everyone else at the harbour. The queue stretches further than Jin's prepared to wait and Kame has to admit that standing still in the cold night air is probably not going to do either of them any good.
They're only a few days past the winter solstice and night falls early. Not that it ever really gets dark in the cities, especially not at this time of year when coloured lights set the sky on fire and blaze a trail to guide weary wanderers home to rest.
But they're not done yet. Kame has no intention of returning to their hotel room until they're both so worn out they fall asleep immediately. It's safest that way. He suggests they take a walk up to Kitano-cho, to take a look around the European houses and view Kobe's lights from above. Jin likes the idea too. They retrace their steps and head past their hotel, stopping at the Starbucks near Sannomiya station for coffee before they begin their ascent up the hill. The slope's not particularly steep and they're in no hurry - which is unfortunate because every house they look at closed before they even ordered their coffee.
Jin shrugs it off. "If I want to see inside an Italian house I'll go to Italy."
"And back in time, too?"
Time travel being impossible, they explore the area anyway, and Jin takes a picture of Kame standing outside England House. Kame regrets not having one of his many Union Jack-themed articles of clothing handy for the occasion. The houses may not be open but there's no shortage of tourists outside still, admiring the foreign architecture that is one of Kobe's points of appeal, and they're not the only ones snapping pictures at night.
They pass Kitano Tenman Shrine on their way up to the Weathercock House, easy to spot with its distinctive red brick and the weathervane on its spire. They don't bother going up to the entrance; there's a circle of steps below the house that affords them an unsurpassed view of Kobe in all its night-time glory, stunning enough to take Kame's breath away. He wishes he'd brought his camera. All he's got is his phone - not bad, but nowhere near sophisticated enough to capture the beauty of the lights as he sees them, layer upon layer of colour, stars on the land to match those in the sky.
At his side, Jin remains quiet, perhaps drinking in the sight for himself. Kame appreciates the silence. The other tourists have fallen behind and they're quite alone for now. Maybe no one else will come this far up. Maybe they can stay like this all night and watch the sun rise on Christmas morning.
But Jin's never been able to keep still for long. He starts shifting his weight from one foot to the other, his appreciation for the view overcome by his need to fidget. Kame chuckles behind his scarf. He suspects one of the reasons children take so well to Jin is that he's not so far removed from childhood himself, sometimes. If he ever manages to have those children he so desperately wants, he'll be a playful parent, full of fun, but also the most devoted daddy ever.
That's a big 'if' now. Kame makes a silent wish on the stars above and asks, "Should we go back down?"
Jin jerks suddenly, like he's just been caught napping in class. "It's beautiful up here. We can stay as long as you want."
"Are you bored?"
"I'm not bored," Jin doesn't sound like he's making excuses, which makes Kame wonder what he's not saying, "and the view's amazing."
"I can take a hint." Jin's probably cold, or tired, or hungry, or a combination of all three and he's not letting on because he wants Kame to relax and enjoy his trip. "Just let me take a couple of shots and we can head back down."
Jin nods and wanders off, leaving Kame alone to snap his pictures while he takes in the view from different angles. It doesn't take long. As they begin the trip down the hill, they pass a man and woman on their way up, hand in hand and practically glowing with young love. They all exchange polite nods and Kame wonders if he and Jin look like a couple too. It's Christmas, a time for romance, and everyone they pass seems to be in love. On the other hand they're both quite clearly men, so the presumption is less likely. Had one of them been female it would've been automatic, given where they are.
"Everyone's got someone," Jin sighs as they pass yet another couple linking mittens. "Everyone but us."
"We'll just have to make do with each other." Kame doesn't mean for his words to come out as seriously as they do and he winces as soon as they leave his lips. He tries to make light of it immediately. "I mean, I could do a lot better than you but-"
Jin interrupts him. "Isn't that what we were doing up there? You and me, looking down at the lights and up at the stars, and everywhere except at each other, which is what everyone else is going to be doing tonight."
Kame doesn't have an answer for him. He's not sure how to read Jin's fidgeting now, if it's a sign that Jin felt awkward about being up there with him, on this Christmas Eve non-date between friends. Awkward, or lonely, maybe. Missing someone special by his side, thinking about how long it's been, how long it could still be before he's comfortable enough with the idea of telling a girlfriend about himself.
"Would you rather be here with someone else?" he asks quietly, half-hoping Jin doesn't hear the question so he doesn't have to listen to the answer.
Jin does hear. He doesn't even try to make a joke out of it, doesn't explain or elaborate, just says, "No".
Never mind the penguin scarf. That's Kame's real Christmas present right there, Jin's warm brown eyes and an embarrassed smile that's just for him.
-----
They've been out for hours, walking for most of it, and neither of them feels much like sitting around in a restaurant. That would be plunging straight back into the real world, one with more people in it, and they're kind of getting used to being on the fringes. They pass crowds of revellers making merry under the fairy lights but don't stop to join them. There's a Lawson just down the street from their hotel; ducking in to pick up food and drinks is the closest they get to emerging from their bubble and the store's light makes them both blink.
It's a short walk and an even shorter ride up to their hotel room. Jin sinks down on the bed the second he gets his boots off; Kame takes the desk chair and hunts around for a socket to charge his phone. He eventually finds a free one under the lamp. If Jin wants to charge his too they'll have to unplug the lamp, but luckily he's not interested in the state of his phone. He lolls around on the bed for a few minutes, massaging his legs until Kame reminds him his microwaved carbonara is getting cold.
It's an odd way to spend Christmas Eve, camped out in a small hotel room, eating conbini food and drinking toasts to themselves. To Kame's relief Jin doesn't say anything further about how weird it is for them to be spending the weekend together like this. He can't, really, because neither of them can afford for things to get awkward, not when they're sharing a room - sharing a bed, even - and Kame doesn't have the faintest idea what Jin wants from him anymore. There's a kiss he might not remember, a thousand words and gestures, and all of it could be for naught.
They have the TV on as they eat, a convenient diversion more than anything else and it could be broadcasting in Turkish for all the attention Kame pays to it. It means they can keep it light, though. Keep pretending there's no undercurrent in the room; drown it out with news and dramas and ridiculous variety shows. It works pretty well.
If they were back in Tokyo Jin would probably be out with friends. Kame might be, depending on his schedule for the next day. Neither of them feels inclined to go out again tonight; when it gets late, Jin makes use of the bathroom first before Kame takes it over for his complicated skincare rituals and when Kame emerges and crawls into bed, switching off the lights as he goes, Jin's already curled on his side, facing the wall. It'll make Kame's life that much easier if he remains that way, but he knows from experience that Jin is only being polite to give him room, and tends to spread out when he sleeps to cover as much of the bed as possible.
Kame will push him back if he does. He doesn't think he can take Jin touching him tonight, not by accident, and that's the only way it's going to happen. Sharing a bed is agony when every breath Jin takes reaches Kame's ears, a painful reminder that barely two feet away is someone he wants but can never have. It's easy to forget when they go out that it's not real. Kame can play the game as much as he likes but all the higher levels are off-limits and if he tries to break through, it might be game over altogether.
He accepts that. He's used to it. But that doesn't make it any easier to lie awake next to Jin and not reach for him. Just the thought of it has him stirring, loose sweatpants doing nothing to keep him in check. He turns away, praying Jin will fall asleep soon. Then maybe Kame can sneak off to the bathroom for some surreptitious relief, which he certainly can't do while sharing a bed.
The opportunity never arrives. Jin tosses and turns, evidently having his own trouble finding sleep. Kame's not sure how long they lie awake like that. He doesn't want to say anything, hoping Jin will think he's asleep already, but Jin breaks the silence first.
"Kame?" he murmurs. "Still awake?"
No point denying it. "Yeah. Guess I wasn't as tired as I thought." He looks at the digital clock on the headboard. "It's not that late; only just gone midnight."
"Midnight? That means it's Christmas Day now." Jin shifts in the bed, shaking the mattress as he turns towards Kame. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas," Kame responds automatically. It's not as clear when he says it but he tries to make it like Jin's, because there's no one else around to hear if he screws up his pronunciation. "Thank you for my present. I'm having a great weekend."
"Good, because you deserve it after everything you've done this year. I can't...um...I can't put it into words, but just...everything. Thank you."
Kame's heart glows as bright as a city of fairy lights and he grins in the dark, still frustrated but happy enough not to care. "I gave you a few pushes in the right direction but you can take most of the credit yourself, Jin. I think you've been incredibly brave this year - and not just with your career choices."
"Yeah, but I still say it was down to you," Jin insists. "You did so much for me and you didn't have to do any of it. I mean, you even-"
"I even?"
"Never mind." Jin's changed tone from elated to subdued; that can't be good.
"Tell me," Kame says, as gently as he can.
"Y-you remember the night we went to that bar in Shinjuku? With the...with the transvestites and everything?"
This is going to be embarrassing. "Yeah. What about it?"
"Do you remember anything that happened after Koki dropped us at your place?"
Kame licks his lips, remembering the taste of Jin's against them. "Most of it. What do you remember?"
"That...that you kissed me." Jin pauses, takes a deep breath before continuing. "And I knew then how serious you were about trying to help. There I was, complaining about how I was going to be alone the rest of my life, and you kissed me to make me feel less lonely."
It's hard to keep from laughing but Kame tries. He can't believe Jin's convinced himself of this. "I didn't kiss you to make you feel less lonely! I kissed you because I wanted to!"
"Yeah, because you're a good person." Jin clings stubbornly to his explanation. "Such a good friend you'd do that to make me feel better."
"I try to be a good friend," Kame gasps out, half-laughing now, "but I'm not that altruistic, Jin. I kissed you because I was drunk and lonely and you were beautiful and there, and because I like you!"
Jin makes a little strangled noise in his throat. Kame contemplates switching on the lamp to see his reaction but decides against it. They can say more in the dark than they can in the light.
"I don't...I don't get this. You can't-"
"I can," Kame says firmly. "And I am." He scoots over on the sheets till he's right beside Jin, then rolls over to press himself against Jin's thigh, receiving a gasp in return. "You think I'm so selfless, or such a good actor I can fake that? I'm not. That's because it's driving me crazy sharing a bed with you and not being able to touch you."
He doesn't like it that Jin doesn't say anything in reply, only hiccups as his breath catches. Kame backs off, realising that he's well and truly crossed the line now and has probably ruined their happy weekend. "Sorry. I'll...I'll go down and ask if there are any rooms still available."
"You don't...uh...you don't have to do that. It's okay."
"But are you okay?"
"That story you told me, the one about the cool guy you had a crush on. That was about me, wasn't it?"
"Yeah." No point trying to keep secrets now. "That was you."
"Thought so. Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"Would you have listened back then?"
"Probably not," Jin admits. "But we're not the same people we used to be - especially me."
"And that's the other reason I couldn't tell you." Kame sighs. He hopes whoever's in the next room is either a heavy sleeper or out partying the night away. "Jin, I didn't want to confuse you even further. This...thing with you, it's not simple and you're still figuring yourself out. I didn't want to get in the middle of that, not like this.
"Besides, how could I even guess at your feelings when you didn't know them yourself?"
"You could try asking me?" Jin suggests.
"Fine; I'll ask you. What do you want? To kiss strange American men in clubs? To marry a half-Japanese girl and have three kids? Both? Something else?"
"I-I don't know, not in the long run. But if you remember kissing me...do you remember I kissed you back?"
"I remember," Kame murmurs as he leans towards Jin for a repeat performance. He can take a hint. It's not hard to find Jin's lips in the dark: dry, slightly chapped and waiting for him. The angle's bad, because Jin's still lying on his back and Kame's approaching from the side, but they make it work, somehow, bumping noses and laughing from sheer nervousness. It makes Kame want to leap out of bed and scream from the rooftops about how happy he is, that even if Jin changes his mind a moment later they have this one single point in time when it's what they both want.
When he begins to pull away Jin works a hand into his hair, just letting it rest there, which he takes as a sign Jin's unwilling to let him go. It's been a long time for both of them and it feels so good to be able to touch finally. Kame still can't believe it's actually happening. This might be a dream brought on by overwork, a fantasy to fool the mind.
But no fantasy could match up to Kame's reality tonight.
It's not all fun and games, though. At the back of his mind a warning lurks, reminding him that this is not only uncharted territory but dangerous as well. It's Jin, his friend of better than a decade and that makes it complicated enough, but he can't be sure of anything now. He's been with men and he's been with women, but he's never been with anyone in Jin's particular situation and that makes it impossible to predict what he wants out of this.
Still, he seems happy enough kissing, not making any move to progress things further, and Kame's content to indulge him for as long as he wants. Lips, along the jaw, down the side of the neck...Kame sprinkles kisses anywhere he can reach, gradually sliding over so he's half on top of Jin, eliciting a moan from him. He's hard now too and Kame wonders if it's okay to do something about that.
He risks sliding a hand under Jin's T-shirt, presses cold fingers against the warm skin of his stomach, and asks, "What do you want?"
"If you can't guess then it really has been too long."
"Not so long I can't remember what to do with one of these," Kame laughs, letting his other hand settle between Jin's legs, "but is that okay with you? Because I remember you saying something about wanting to be with girls as a girl, and I hate to break it to you but that's just not going to happen here. For one thing, I'm not a girl."
"And I'm probably not what you want either, but do you think I care right now?"
"Oh, you're exactly what I want and I'll take you any way I can get you - like a girl, if that's what you want, but I didn't pack for that..."
Kame's only teasing but Jin arches up against his hand anyway and says, "Some other time, maybe."
That makes Kame wonder how much Jin's thought about this, if he's imagined what it could be like between them - how it could be with someone from whom he has nothing to hide. They both have their own secrets to keep, but the one that causes the most problems for Jin is no secret to Kame and that makes this all the sweeter, that Jin trusts him with so much of himself.
Their hotel bed isn't designed for comfort, no matter what the promotional literature says, but they're both far too wired to sleep right now. Working under the covers, Kame struggles to remove Jin's pants and eventually leaves them tangled low on his thighs, giving him enough space to wrap a hand around Jin. Jin likes that, bucks his hips at the first touch of skin on skin then settles with every muscle tensed, leaving it to Kame to set the pace. He's too worked up to last for long.
He's also extremely responsive. Kame thinks he'll never tire of hearing Jin's breath catch, gasps he can't seem to muffle. Those breathy little sounds tell Kame he must be doing something right - sounds he's heard from Jin before, on the stage or before a camera, but never for him. This time they're real. He tries to steal those sounds with kisses but Jin laughs against his lips and complains about Kame's hair getting in his mouth.
Under the circumstances, Kame doesn't think it wise to joke about what else he could put in Jin's mouth. That's a conversation for another time. No matter what Jin says he's willing to do, his experience with guys thus far has been limited to a few kisses and Kame's not about to rush things, not when he's finally got what he wants and can take his time savouring it. It's going to take him that long to figure out how Jin wants to be treated. This is a lot more complicated than trying to decide whether or not to buy flowers or open car doors.
There's a box of tissues on the headboard and Kame reaches for one with his free hand. (They might be checking out tomorrow but they've still got to spend the night in this bed, after all.) He has to fumble around a bit to find the box, partly because it's dark but mostly because Jin chooses then to catch the waistband of his sweatpants and it's kind of distracting.
"You don't have to," Kame says out of sheer courtesy.
Jin snorts and ignores him, slipping his fingers under the fabric and making Kame jump. Kame retaliates by letting go; Jin whines in protest.
"Needy."
"Always have been," Jin says. "You know that better than anyone."
Kame knows a lot about Jin, some of it that no one else knows, but he's discovering a few new things tonight. Like how a kiss pressed to the inside of Jin's thigh makes him cry out (and jerk so violently he almost knees Kame in the head), and how he loves it when Kame strokes his hair (except when he encounters a tangle). In the dark he can't see Jin's face when he comes but he can feel it, warm and wet on his hand, and he cleans them both up with the tissues before the sheets get stained.
Jin lies bonelessly on the mattress, still breathing hard but all the tension's left his body and he barely reacts when Kame suggests he might want to pull his pants back up. "In a sec," he mumbles.
Rolling his eyes, Kame does it himself, forcing Jin to temporarily lift his hips off the bed.
"That was the most pathetic hip thrust ever," Kame declares. "Your dancers would disown you."
"I don't normally go straight from the bedroom to the stage," Jin says. "I can't dance when I'm post-coital."
"I can." Kame hopes he doesn't ask for details.
Jin laughs and squeezes Kame's hip. "Demonstrate for me later; I'd love to see you try."
"Does that mean you'll help?"
"If it's okay." Jin sounds less playful now; more hesitant. "If I..."
"It's more than okay," Kame assures him. He guides Jin's hand back to his waistband. "If you want."
Jin rolls over to lie on his side so he doesn't have to reach so far. Kame helpfully shimmies out of his lower layers when he realises Jin's not doing very much to assist.
"It really is okay," he tries again. "Unless you're uncomfortable...?"
"It's not that." Jin's gulp is so loud he might as well be trying to swallow a bowling ball. "It's just easier for me if I know what you want."
"I should think what I want is pretty obvious."
"No, I mean...um..."
There was a girl, once, back when Kame still dated girls and thought he meant it. A model with a beautiful face and a slender body, who melted into his kisses and told him she loved his acting. Their first time together she'd held back, never really relaxing until he'd figured out she was waiting for him to give her something to react to. Maybe Jin's waiting for that too.
Kame reaches for his hand. "Like this." Carefully, he splays Jin's fingers across his stomach and pushes them up under his T-shirt, guiding them over his chest.
Jin gets the idea, then. He lets Kame take him on a tour, mapping hairy legs and muscled arms and everything in between with long, curious fingers that tickle and tease. Kame knows his own body, knows what feels good and makes sure Jin learns it too. He's flushed and sweating by the time Jin's other hand joins the party, roaming independently and stopping just when Kame starts to feel like an unexploded time bomb with less than five seconds on the clock.
"Stop now and I will kick you out of bed," he growls.
"If you kick me I'll hit the wall," Jin says. "Then you'll have to explain to the paramedics."
"I'm good at improv-" Kame almost bites his tongue when Jin drags his hands down to rest on Kame's thighs, curling his thumbs inward. The time bomb clicks: another second gone.
"I can't talk about it," Jin says as he tries a few tentative strokes. "I don't know how to put it into words. It's embarrassing."
"I think I get it." Kame's voice shakes - he's so damned close and Jin's not quite managed to find a rhythm yet. "All those interviews where you said you preferred to wait and see what your partner wanted? I should've paid more attention back then."
Maybe it's the reassurance or maybe it's just a coincidence but Jin settles into a rhythm then. Kame would kiss him for it if the angle weren't so awkward. It's not the best handjob he's ever had because Jin's still learning what works for him, but the mere fact that it's Jin makes up for all the inexperience in the world.
"Doesn't seem like you needed to." Jin snakes his free hand around Kame's back, trying to draw him nearer.
Kame goes eagerly, craving more sensation. He throws a leg over Jin's waist; Jin giggles and squirms as Kame effectively tries to climb him in bed.
Unfortunately, this means both of their shirts are going to have flaky white patches in the morning. Kame grabs another tissue and cleans up as best he can in the dark. He can't turn the light on now. He chucks the lot in the general direction of the bin and figures he'll pick them up in the morning. No energy left for it tonight. He only just manages to find his sweatpants again.
"Come back," Jin whines like a child who's been abandoned by his mother in the middle of a department store.
Obligingly, Kame rolls back towards him. It appears Jin wants a cuddle. "If you strangle me in my sleep I'm going to haunt you forever."
"If I try to strangle you in my sleep you'll probably beat me up." Jin wraps one arm loosely around Kame's waist. "And I can't strangle you like this, anyway."
"Fair enough." Kame shakes his head, trying to keep his mouth clear of Jin's hair. He doesn't have much luck.
They say their goodnights again, no longer tense and Kame thinks this is it, they've somehow crossed that bridge and now he can stop worrying about whether or not he's accidentally going to give himself away. Too bad things have just become more complicated, not less.
"What are we gonna do?" Jin asks, tightening his grip. "Kame?"
"Go to sleep." Kame turns his head to kiss Jin on the cheek. "Save it for morning."
He dreams about work. He's still playing Nishikawa but Jin's playing Kage - no longer a thief of art but of hearts. Their cat-and-mouse game culminates in a rooftop showdown under a full moon. Nishikawa glimpses Kage's real face for the first time and realises they're not so different after all.
-----
There are worse ways to wake up than in bed with Akanishi Jin. There are also better ways, because Kame's finding it hard to breathe with his face smooshed into Jin's shoulder, but it still feels nice. They don't have to move yet. Jin always oversleeps, and though Kame doesn't, he's got nothing better to do right now. No lines to learn, no parts to practise, nowhere to be except snug in bed.
When he wakes up for a second time it's because his pillow's starting to move. Jin inches backwards, cracking open his eyes to give Kame a sleepy smile. His hair looks like he's been attacked by a dozen opposing stylists and there are blotches of red along his throat.
"Is it still Christmas?" he mumbles, barely opening his mouth enough to get the words out.
Kame grins. Jin is not a morning person. "Yeah, it's still Christmas. Even you couldn't sleep that long."
"Bet I could."
"Not today, you can't. We have to check out at some point."
"Eleven, I think." Jin groans, flopping over onto his back. "I don't want to go home."
Kame finds Jin's hand, holds it under the covers. "Does it matter where we are?"
"Guess not." Jin smiles and moves in for a kiss, but Kame forestalls him by telling him to go brush his teeth first.
While Jin's busy in the bathroom Kame tidies up the wreckage from last night. There's food packaging and cans everywhere, not to mention the tissues on the floor - though Kame's pleased to see one of them made it to the bin, anyway. Even in the dark, his pitching skills are up to the task.
It's not quite nine yet. When he's done straightening the room, Kame pops open one of the cans of cold coffee he'd picked up last night and watches TV for a bit, enjoying the coverage of Christmas celebrations all over the world. He doesn't have a tree this year - has been too busy to buy one, much less decorate it - but he likes to see the brightly coloured lights and streams of tinsel, baubles glittering on the branches. Jin told him about some of the trees he'd seen in America, so big he couldn't even see the top. Excessive, maybe, but they're used to that and Jin loves any excuse to go out and celebrate.
Or just any excuse to go out. Kame wonders if they'll go out together more, now. He's not sure what they are. Friends, certainly. Something more? Perhaps. He's told Jin everything and heard nothing back, which leaves him wondering what Jin even wants beyond this weekend.
They trade places in the tiny bathroom and by the time Kame's ready to go, Jin's already decided how he wants to spend the remaining hours before they have to return to Tokyo. He doesn't try for another kiss. They check out and leave before anyone can associate them with mysterious stains that may or may not appear on the sheets. While not weighed down by luggage, they don't feel inclined to carry their bags around all morning and while Kame can't speak for Jin, he feels gloriously lazy.
So lazy, in fact, that they take the train the one stop to Sannomiya and leave their bags in the coin lockers. Jin insists on hitting Starbucks afterwards because he needs more sustenance than cold canned coffee, so they grab a small table by the window and nibble on pastries as they watch the world walk by. Now that they've left the hotel there's space between them that hasn't been there since yesterday, a need to keep what's happened from the outside world. Kame wants to share bites of sweet flaky pastry and move his chair next to Jin's, but he can't do either of those things. Not here, where there's always a risk someone will spot them.
Jin's like that too, sometimes leaning forward further than really necessary to carry on a conversation, then recoiling as he catches himself. They're not even talking much. It's all chitchat about train times and weather conditions and how Yamapi might be avoiding Christmas this year; nothing deep, nothing personal. Kame's never had a "morning after" with someone he cares about this much before and he's working blind.
One sticky breakfast later, they head down Flower Road to take a look at Kobe's flower clock, which changes by the season. At the moment it's a snowflake, the delicate crystalline structure picked out in white flowers against a green background. Jin poses next to the clock while Kame takes pictures. He probably can't use the ones with Jin, but maybe he can use one without him for his next manual. Or Kage can tweet about it, throwing a red herring to his followers about his next target.
"One more picture," he says. "Then we can move on."
Jin smiles and blows him a kiss just as he takes the picture. That one's definitely not going out to the fans.
They keep walking till they hit a park, where they spend a while examining monuments built to honour those who lost their lives in the Great Hanshin Earthquake. They were both children when the quake happened, but natural disasters are part and parcel of living in Japan and there's not a soul in the country naïve enough to believe it can never happen to them. The Flame of Hope burns in its display case; Jin reads the plaque aloud in English. Somehow it sounds even more powerful than in Japanese, or perhaps that's the spin Jin gives it, and Kame edges close enough to rest a hand on his back, comfort for himself as much as for Jin.
Nobody pays attention to the two young men half-hidden by sunglasses and scarves; when Jin reaches around to take Kame's hand and tug it fully around his waist, Kame's the only one who cares. He scans the area anxiously for voyeurs, relaxing when he sees none. Jin might not be able to tell him outright what he wants but he's not doing too bad a job of showing him.
"Are you still going to do this in Tokyo?"
Jin hums in contemplation. "Hmm. Should I? I didn't...I didn't expect any of this to happen when I decided to drag you away for the weekend."
"No?" Kame raises sceptical eyebrows. "You'd obviously thought about it, though."
"A little bit. Since...um...you kissed me." He lowers his voice. "You'll kiss anybody when you're drunk, but you knew it was me and I thought maybe...maybe you meant it."
"Of course I meant it. I wasn't joking when I said it wasn't because I felt sorry for you, Jin. I kissed you because I like you. I feel sorry for Nakamaru all the time but I don't try to stick my tongue in his mouth."
"Ugh." Jin pulls a face. "I don't want to think about him kissing anyone, least of all you. That's just weird."
"You don't have to worry about me trying," Kame assures him. "He's not my type."
"If I'm your type, you must be even more screwed up than I am."
Kame fervently hopes no tourists pick that moment to walk past, because it doesn't look good when a couple of otherwise decent young men collapse in hysterical giggles in front of an earthquake memorial.
-----
It's easier to breathe afterwards. Kame stops worrying about whether or not he's somehow going to destroy whatever sense of gender identity Jin possesses, mostly because Jin doesn't seem to care. Maybe it's not going to be so complicated after all.
This time he's awake enough to pay for his own subway ticket on the way back to Shin-Kobe - pays for Jin's too, since he owes him. He used to pay both halves back when he dated girls, because that was the gentlemanly thing to do, but he's not about to start paying for Jin, girly attributes or no.
There's a Nozomi leaving just after two for Tokyo. Jin takes the window seat. It's quiet in the middle of the carriage, away from the soft slide of doors at either end where passengers pass through to use the facilities, and Kame settles down once they've had their tickets inspected.
"I should've bought a souvenir for our director's wife," he says. "I wouldn't be here if she hadn't insisted on having her husband home all weekend."
"Too late now." Jin cups his hands around his mouth and pretends to call out of the window. "Thank you, director's wife!"
"And thank you too."
"Good weekend?"
Kame grins. "The best."
"I'm glad. Um...what I said earlier, about you being screwed up? I was just kidding."
"I know." Kame rubs the back of his hand against Jin's for a moment, needing to touch him in some way that doesn't involve dragging him into the bathroom and pressing him up against the constantly rocking black walls. "I like to think of myself as pretty well-adjusted."
"For someone in the entertainment industry? Yeah, I'd say you're in the saner half...which is a good thing. One of us has to know what he's doing."
"I hope you don't expect it to be me," Kame says. "Not all the time. I don't want all the responsibility for this."
Jin leans back against the wall of the carriage, smirking. "Oi, don't make it sound like I'm handing you the key to my heart or something like that."
"Good." That's a relief to Kame. Jin is still Jin, even if he's now Kame's...boyfriend? Almost boyfriend? The guy he got very up close and personal with last night? It would be nice to know. He opts to ask the easier question. "Am I your boyfriend now?"
Bewilderment replaces Jin's smirk. "You always ask guys that after you sleep with them?"
"I usually know the answer before we get to that point," Kame says. "So what I'd like to know from you is: was that just us comforting each other through some mutual loneliness, never to be spoken of again, or can we do that after we get home?"
"You've got filming tomorrow," Jin says. "And I've got a couple of interviews to do. So maybe not straight after we get home..."
"I'm serious."
Jin shrugs and leans down till his head meets Kame's shoulder. "I like being with you, and I like how I feel when I'm with you. It's like there's no pressure, you know? I can just be me. And it's not as if...it's not as if I've never thought about it. Especially after I kissed that guy in LA. When I ran out I told him I had a boyfriend - I was thinking about you at the time."
Kame feels like he's finally being handed some of the missing puzzle pieces. They make him feel warm and loved. "Nice to know you think of me like that."
"Don't let it go to your head. It could've been anyone."
Somehow, Kame doesn't think so. "I'd have expected you to say you had a girlfriend."
Jin laughs, a little embarrassed. "Me too. I guess it's been so long since I've been with a girl, it didn't occur to me."
"You do realise you're not with one now, right? Because if you're going to turn this into your own personal lesbian fantasy I'm not g-" Kame pauses, shaking his head at how ridiculous that sounds. "What am I saying?"
"I know that, okay? But I never expected things would end up like this. Me with a guy. Even when that guy's you, it takes some getting used to."
"You seemed to be managing fine last night, but if you want to-"
"I'm not talking about sex, Kame. I'm pretty sure I can figure that part out. It's everything else." Jin knocks his head against the back of the seat and groans. "I bet my mum already knows!"
"She's good but she's not psychic. You don't...you don't have to say anything to her or anyone else, not if you don't want to. I'm not asking you to marry me, Jin. I'm just asking if you want to go out sometimes, the way we do now, only we can end the night with something a little friendlier than a wave goodbye."
"I like the sound of that," Jin gives him the smile he reserves for seducing fans from the stage, "but...give me some time, all right? Let's take it day by day and see what happens."
"Even in this, you're 'my pace'."
"No one can keep up with your pace," Jin grumbles. "You're always rushing off ahead."
Kame hooks his pinky around Jin's. "This time I think I'll wait."
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame/Jin
Rating: R, just to be safe
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 14,410
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Kame gets carried away with his new drama role, so Jin carries him off to Kobe for the weekend.
A/N: The photos linked in the text are mine, taken in February. My apologies to the guy writing about his wife on the wall; I had to paraphrase a little bit!
Fast Train to Chinatown (2/2)
Part 1
Kame wakes up on Christmas Eve with a crick in his neck from the hard, flat pillow. It's not the best start he's ever had to a morning. He can hear the sound of trains from the station across the road; somewhere behind the room, the lift doors open and close.
What he can't hear is Jin breathing beside him, but that's because Jin's in the shower and he emerges from the tiny bathroom just as Kame manages to rub the last of the sleep from his eyes.
"'Morning."
"'Morning." Kame pushes the covers aside. "Did we run away?"
"Only as far as Kobe. Did you sleep enough?"
Kame checks his watch. It's already eleven. "Definitely."
"Good, then we can go find food. I'm starved."
The tiny hotel towel around Jin's hips doesn't do anything to conceal the lack of meat on his bones. If Kame didn't know better, he'd swear Jin no longer eats now that he's not being forced to do so on variety shows. Fortunately, there are no problems with Jin's appetite - he's dancing a lot more than he used to, and that always makes him drop weight.
"I could do with some breakfast myself," Kame says. "Or lunch, I guess."
He takes his own turn in the miniature bathroom, which is designed so that only the undernourished have room to move. There's mold on the shower curtain and he makes a mental note to complain about it when they go out. Between that, the threadbare carpet and the proximity to the station, the hotel wouldn't have been his first choice, but it's only for another night, after all. He can afford much better now, but this weekend it doesn't matter where he is...because he's with Jin.
It's cold when they switch off the heating. Kame doesn't bother to shave. He doesn't have to be an idol today. Doesn't have to be anyone but himself, with a hint of stubble, no make-up, and a plain grey beanie.
They don't look like two of Japan's top idols, he and Jin, when they're ready to go out. Jin's hidden under his hat again and between that, his coat collar and giant sunglasses, very little of his face is visible. He's not wearing any make-up either.
When they leave the room in search of food, Kame makes his complaint about the shower curtain, which the staff assure him they will change immediately. There's a restaurant in the hotel, along with a number of other facilities whose details are plastered all over the walls of the lift, but they opt to venture out instead. Despite the chill, it's good to be out in the winter sun.
Not that they walk far. Just beside the hotel Jin spots a familiar yellow and brown CoCo sign and decides he wants curry for lunch. They're not getting anywhere near a KFC this weekend but there's fried chicken curry and that's close enough. Jin wins the challenge of who can take the hotter curry - purely, Kame says, because he has no tastebuds left.
After lunch they take a stroll. The Luminarie's over but the streets are still hung with lights; when night falls, Kobe will become a fairyland. Perfect place for a Christmas date, if only this were a date. It's not, no matter how much Kame would like it to be. It's an intervention, a friend saving a friend from drama-induced stress, so Kame resolves to enjoy it for what it is and not wish for anything more.
The gates and lanterns of Chinatown await them behind the hotel. Motomachi's full of shops, many with obnoxiously cheerful Christmas displays, but Kame can shop anywhere he wants and frequently does. That's not why they're here.
"It's been a while," Jin says. "Not as close as Yokohama, but..."
They've done that before - stolen time from their schedules to slip away to Yokohama and wander around Chinatown. Kobe's not so different. At least today, they don't have to work. No baseball games, no BANDAGE filming, no one else's timetable to live by.
"I always feel like I'm working in Yokohama," Kame says. "I don't get that here."
"Turn up for work like this and your stylist would have a fit," Jin says, tugging on his hat. "You don't look like someone who even knows what fashion is."
"That's rich, coming from a guy who practically lives in hoodies."
They're both far too drab for their surroundings - dun, dreary nobodies floating in a sea of vibrant reds and glittering golds. People pass by in waves, breaking around them as they stream off to shop for souvenirs, or to warm themselves with steaming dumplings.
It's like being invisible. Kame feels free, though not free enough to take Jin's gloved hand in his and stroll through the streets like the couples all around them. Jin's not even attempting to pass for a girl today, which means Kame doesn't get to play fake boyfriend. It's enough that their hands brush sometimes as they walk; he feels the slide of familiar fingers against his own, even through the gloves.
Kobe's Chinatown isn't as big as Yokohama's but it's still bustling. Jin wanders this way and that, looking longingly at restaurants and regretting his decision to have curry for lunch. Kame laughs at his mournful expression, deciding then and there to find them something suitably sweet for a dessert. There's plenty to choose from. Everywhere he looks, beautifully made cakes and pastries attract his eye, beckoning him over with their warming colours and varied shapes.
"You should have one of these," Jin says, pointing to a small pink cake in the shape of a turtle. "Or would that be cannibalism?"
Kame groans. "Idiot."
"Your own fault for encouraging people to make that link."
Jin has a point. Kame encourages it because it makes him memorable; not to mention, it's an excellent ice-breaker if he has to introduce himself in English. He's been a turtle, at times - hiding in his shell - but he's not hiding anymore. He's sticking his neck out and waiting for people to notice.
If anything, Jin's name is more relevant. Perhaps if he hadn't had 'west' in his surname he wouldn't have been so obsessed with going there. They've both gone west now, of course, but Kobe's not far enough for Jin and he won't stop till he's been everywhere he wants to be - maybe not even then. But Kame wouldn't have it any other way.
He manages to steer Jin away from the turtles, towards a small stall selling round flaky pastries made with winter melon and spices, topped with sesame seeds. He buys two, one for each of them, but waits till they find a quiet corner to stand where no one will trip over them before handing one to Jin.
"Dessert," Kame says.
"Did you just buy me a wife cake?"
"I prefer 'sweetheart cake'." Kame grins and peels off a glove so he doesn't get flakes all over it. "You'd make a terrible wife. Not much for housework, bad eating habits, you don't really cook..."
Jin giggles behind his pastry. "You'd make a great housewife, except that you'd drive your husband crazy. Baseball morning, noon and night."
"I'll have to marry a baseball player," Kame says, playing along with as straight a face as he can manage. "We could go on dates to the batting cages and spend our honeymoon in America watching MLB games."
They spin out the tale as they eat, keeping it light until Jin suddenly asks, "Do you think you'll ever marry? For real?"
"Probably not." Kame crumples his wrapper, squeezing it as small as it will go. "I love kids too, you know, but I don't think I can marry someone I'm not in love with."
He doesn't say "someone I don't love" because he loves his friends, and it's not inconceivable that one of his female friends would be willing to play the part for him in public, go through with a sham marriage and provide kids, if he found someone who wanted that too. It wouldn't be a loveless marriage...but it wouldn't be real, either, and he's not interested in living a lie. Not to that extent. He can live with showing a different face to his fans but he's not about to create an entire fictional life for himself. He'll leave that to his drama characters.
"I'd only marry for love," Jin says. "But I guess that's not happening either."
-----
From Chinatown they keep walking till they reach Harborland, stopping every so often to check the maps dotting the route. Once they spot the Port Tower, however, it's impossible for them to lose their way. It looks like a tall red hourglass; a Tokyo Tower squeezed in the middle to bulk out the top.
Men call out to them, offering boat rides around the harbour. Many are out already, white specks on the water - some filled with tourists, some earning their livelihood in less sanitary ways.
"Want to take a ride?" Jin asks, but Kame shakes his head before he can even finish asking the question.
"It's windy enough on the dock. It'll be like ice out there, which means we'll both freeze."
"And I'll catch another cold," Jin says glumly. "Fine, no boat ride. I kind of like the look of that one, though."
The boat to which Jin points is clearly not used for fishing or cargo. It's bright pink, for one thing, and so ornate it wouldn't look out of place at a KAT-TUN concert. That, or a live-action Disney movie. The gold's a little shabby and the pink could do with a touch-up, but it's easily the most colourful boat in the area.
"Come back in summer," Kame says. "You should bring Yamapi. I think he'd like it. Just imagine all the Juniors you could have, riding on that thing."
Jin doesn't have Juniors in his concerts anymore, of course - even FiVe have been supplanted by outsiders - but so many years of history are not easily forgotten. He starts to respond, then cuts himself off sharply and turns around.
"Ex-girlfriend?" Kame says.
"Not this time. I think that guy just took a picture of us."
Kame's paparazzi senses haven't been tingling but admittedly, he's been distracted. He looks cautiously over his shoulder. There's a middle-aged guy holding a gigantic black camera, taking photos of a pair of young parents, the mother carrying the baby in a sling and the father laughing at something she's saying.
The photographer notices Kame staring and smiles, then points his camera at them again. Kame turns away.
"I think he's just taking photos of everyone, rather than because of who we are," he says to Jin. "He'll probably delete it if we ask him. Do you want me to?"
"You'd get sidetracked raving about his camera," Jin says, and he's right. "It's okay. I guess we're not so easy to recognise like this."
They quicken their pace anyway, careful not to look at the camera as they march out of range. Shops and hotels await them at the end of the dock but Kame's intrigued by a crowd of people gazing at a wall so he steers them in that direction to investigate.
It's another twenty minutes before they move on, because Kame insists on reading every single one of the messages written on the wall - especially the ones written by players from the Orix Buffaloes, of which there are many. Jin's not so interested in the baseball but he likes the cute drawings, many of which feature Pikachu, and some of the heartfelt, romantic messages leave both of them with sappy smiles on their faces.
"I like the one who says his heart is in Kobe because he met his wife here," Jin says.
Kame doesn't say it, but his heart will always be a little bit in Kobe now too. "I bought a wife cake - does that count?"
"Sweetheart cake. And if you ever tell anyone I will kill you."
"'Anyone' meaning Ryo?"
"Exactly."
"Should I have bought husband cakes instead? Maybe that would go down better with your friends."
Jin tilts his head enough for Kame to see he's grinning behind his coat collar. "At that point I would've eaten anything, including a cake to congratulate me on my pregnancy."
A pregnant Jin doesn't bear thinking about. Finally finished with the wall, they continue their exploration of the harbour. Soon the sun will set and Kame would prefer to be away from the water when it gets dark.
To warm themselves a little they venture into the shopping complex, Mosaic, browsing without purpose until Jin decides he could do with a scarf. He should've brought one, really. Jin's terrible about dressing warm enough for the weather, which is ridiculous considering how easily he gets sick.
"This one suits you best." Kame holds up a burgundy scarf decorated with playful pandas. "You should get it."
"Not this one?" Jin's holding a plain yellow one with gold tassels on the ends.
"There's such a thing as taking symbolism too far."
Kame doesn't have a scarf with him either - he'd meant to bring one but he'd been in a rush to leave for the station. Jin finds him a pale blue one, patterned with penguins. It's the same price as the panda scarf.
"I'll wear the pandas if you wear the penguins," Jin says.
It's likely the cheapest Christmas present either of them has bought in years. They pay for the scarves separately and remove the tags before making the exchange. It's not quite Christmas yet but it's close enough. They laugh when they realise the scarves clash with everything else they're wearing.
"I bet we could still start a trend, though," Kame says.
"Not here. Everyone's better dressed than we are."
"I like to think of this as practising my disguise skills for the drama."
"No rehearsing!" Jin says. He sounds like he's accusing Kame of murder. "You're supposed to be relaxing."
"I'm relaxed, I promise!"
"Not secretly thinking about work?"
They're getting strange looks from the other shoppers so Kame leads them back outside, now that they're better equipped for the weather, before he says, "You mean I have a job?"
Jin whacks him lightly on the arm. "Nope. You're an unemployed drop-out in a penguin scarf."
"Which makes you an equally unemployed drop-out in a panda scarf," Kame says, unable to keep a mischievous smile from his face. "This is the best non-Christmas non-date I've ever had."
"It's Christmas Eve, even if it's not really evening yet. That still counts." What little can be seen of Jin's face under the winter wraps is pleasingly pink. Kame notes that he doesn't correct the 'non-date' assumption.
"Then, if we're not on a date, I guess we can't go on the Ferris wheel?"
"We could still go, if you want." Jin's colour's not fading any time soon.
Kame does want, but sadly so does everyone else at the harbour. The queue stretches further than Jin's prepared to wait and Kame has to admit that standing still in the cold night air is probably not going to do either of them any good.
They're only a few days past the winter solstice and night falls early. Not that it ever really gets dark in the cities, especially not at this time of year when coloured lights set the sky on fire and blaze a trail to guide weary wanderers home to rest.
But they're not done yet. Kame has no intention of returning to their hotel room until they're both so worn out they fall asleep immediately. It's safest that way. He suggests they take a walk up to Kitano-cho, to take a look around the European houses and view Kobe's lights from above. Jin likes the idea too. They retrace their steps and head past their hotel, stopping at the Starbucks near Sannomiya station for coffee before they begin their ascent up the hill. The slope's not particularly steep and they're in no hurry - which is unfortunate because every house they look at closed before they even ordered their coffee.
Jin shrugs it off. "If I want to see inside an Italian house I'll go to Italy."
"And back in time, too?"
Time travel being impossible, they explore the area anyway, and Jin takes a picture of Kame standing outside England House. Kame regrets not having one of his many Union Jack-themed articles of clothing handy for the occasion. The houses may not be open but there's no shortage of tourists outside still, admiring the foreign architecture that is one of Kobe's points of appeal, and they're not the only ones snapping pictures at night.
They pass Kitano Tenman Shrine on their way up to the Weathercock House, easy to spot with its distinctive red brick and the weathervane on its spire. They don't bother going up to the entrance; there's a circle of steps below the house that affords them an unsurpassed view of Kobe in all its night-time glory, stunning enough to take Kame's breath away. He wishes he'd brought his camera. All he's got is his phone - not bad, but nowhere near sophisticated enough to capture the beauty of the lights as he sees them, layer upon layer of colour, stars on the land to match those in the sky.
At his side, Jin remains quiet, perhaps drinking in the sight for himself. Kame appreciates the silence. The other tourists have fallen behind and they're quite alone for now. Maybe no one else will come this far up. Maybe they can stay like this all night and watch the sun rise on Christmas morning.
But Jin's never been able to keep still for long. He starts shifting his weight from one foot to the other, his appreciation for the view overcome by his need to fidget. Kame chuckles behind his scarf. He suspects one of the reasons children take so well to Jin is that he's not so far removed from childhood himself, sometimes. If he ever manages to have those children he so desperately wants, he'll be a playful parent, full of fun, but also the most devoted daddy ever.
That's a big 'if' now. Kame makes a silent wish on the stars above and asks, "Should we go back down?"
Jin jerks suddenly, like he's just been caught napping in class. "It's beautiful up here. We can stay as long as you want."
"Are you bored?"
"I'm not bored," Jin doesn't sound like he's making excuses, which makes Kame wonder what he's not saying, "and the view's amazing."
"I can take a hint." Jin's probably cold, or tired, or hungry, or a combination of all three and he's not letting on because he wants Kame to relax and enjoy his trip. "Just let me take a couple of shots and we can head back down."
Jin nods and wanders off, leaving Kame alone to snap his pictures while he takes in the view from different angles. It doesn't take long. As they begin the trip down the hill, they pass a man and woman on their way up, hand in hand and practically glowing with young love. They all exchange polite nods and Kame wonders if he and Jin look like a couple too. It's Christmas, a time for romance, and everyone they pass seems to be in love. On the other hand they're both quite clearly men, so the presumption is less likely. Had one of them been female it would've been automatic, given where they are.
"Everyone's got someone," Jin sighs as they pass yet another couple linking mittens. "Everyone but us."
"We'll just have to make do with each other." Kame doesn't mean for his words to come out as seriously as they do and he winces as soon as they leave his lips. He tries to make light of it immediately. "I mean, I could do a lot better than you but-"
Jin interrupts him. "Isn't that what we were doing up there? You and me, looking down at the lights and up at the stars, and everywhere except at each other, which is what everyone else is going to be doing tonight."
Kame doesn't have an answer for him. He's not sure how to read Jin's fidgeting now, if it's a sign that Jin felt awkward about being up there with him, on this Christmas Eve non-date between friends. Awkward, or lonely, maybe. Missing someone special by his side, thinking about how long it's been, how long it could still be before he's comfortable enough with the idea of telling a girlfriend about himself.
"Would you rather be here with someone else?" he asks quietly, half-hoping Jin doesn't hear the question so he doesn't have to listen to the answer.
Jin does hear. He doesn't even try to make a joke out of it, doesn't explain or elaborate, just says, "No".
Never mind the penguin scarf. That's Kame's real Christmas present right there, Jin's warm brown eyes and an embarrassed smile that's just for him.
-----
They've been out for hours, walking for most of it, and neither of them feels much like sitting around in a restaurant. That would be plunging straight back into the real world, one with more people in it, and they're kind of getting used to being on the fringes. They pass crowds of revellers making merry under the fairy lights but don't stop to join them. There's a Lawson just down the street from their hotel; ducking in to pick up food and drinks is the closest they get to emerging from their bubble and the store's light makes them both blink.
It's a short walk and an even shorter ride up to their hotel room. Jin sinks down on the bed the second he gets his boots off; Kame takes the desk chair and hunts around for a socket to charge his phone. He eventually finds a free one under the lamp. If Jin wants to charge his too they'll have to unplug the lamp, but luckily he's not interested in the state of his phone. He lolls around on the bed for a few minutes, massaging his legs until Kame reminds him his microwaved carbonara is getting cold.
It's an odd way to spend Christmas Eve, camped out in a small hotel room, eating conbini food and drinking toasts to themselves. To Kame's relief Jin doesn't say anything further about how weird it is for them to be spending the weekend together like this. He can't, really, because neither of them can afford for things to get awkward, not when they're sharing a room - sharing a bed, even - and Kame doesn't have the faintest idea what Jin wants from him anymore. There's a kiss he might not remember, a thousand words and gestures, and all of it could be for naught.
They have the TV on as they eat, a convenient diversion more than anything else and it could be broadcasting in Turkish for all the attention Kame pays to it. It means they can keep it light, though. Keep pretending there's no undercurrent in the room; drown it out with news and dramas and ridiculous variety shows. It works pretty well.
If they were back in Tokyo Jin would probably be out with friends. Kame might be, depending on his schedule for the next day. Neither of them feels inclined to go out again tonight; when it gets late, Jin makes use of the bathroom first before Kame takes it over for his complicated skincare rituals and when Kame emerges and crawls into bed, switching off the lights as he goes, Jin's already curled on his side, facing the wall. It'll make Kame's life that much easier if he remains that way, but he knows from experience that Jin is only being polite to give him room, and tends to spread out when he sleeps to cover as much of the bed as possible.
Kame will push him back if he does. He doesn't think he can take Jin touching him tonight, not by accident, and that's the only way it's going to happen. Sharing a bed is agony when every breath Jin takes reaches Kame's ears, a painful reminder that barely two feet away is someone he wants but can never have. It's easy to forget when they go out that it's not real. Kame can play the game as much as he likes but all the higher levels are off-limits and if he tries to break through, it might be game over altogether.
He accepts that. He's used to it. But that doesn't make it any easier to lie awake next to Jin and not reach for him. Just the thought of it has him stirring, loose sweatpants doing nothing to keep him in check. He turns away, praying Jin will fall asleep soon. Then maybe Kame can sneak off to the bathroom for some surreptitious relief, which he certainly can't do while sharing a bed.
The opportunity never arrives. Jin tosses and turns, evidently having his own trouble finding sleep. Kame's not sure how long they lie awake like that. He doesn't want to say anything, hoping Jin will think he's asleep already, but Jin breaks the silence first.
"Kame?" he murmurs. "Still awake?"
No point denying it. "Yeah. Guess I wasn't as tired as I thought." He looks at the digital clock on the headboard. "It's not that late; only just gone midnight."
"Midnight? That means it's Christmas Day now." Jin shifts in the bed, shaking the mattress as he turns towards Kame. "Merry Christmas."
"Merry Christmas," Kame responds automatically. It's not as clear when he says it but he tries to make it like Jin's, because there's no one else around to hear if he screws up his pronunciation. "Thank you for my present. I'm having a great weekend."
"Good, because you deserve it after everything you've done this year. I can't...um...I can't put it into words, but just...everything. Thank you."
Kame's heart glows as bright as a city of fairy lights and he grins in the dark, still frustrated but happy enough not to care. "I gave you a few pushes in the right direction but you can take most of the credit yourself, Jin. I think you've been incredibly brave this year - and not just with your career choices."
"Yeah, but I still say it was down to you," Jin insists. "You did so much for me and you didn't have to do any of it. I mean, you even-"
"I even?"
"Never mind." Jin's changed tone from elated to subdued; that can't be good.
"Tell me," Kame says, as gently as he can.
"Y-you remember the night we went to that bar in Shinjuku? With the...with the transvestites and everything?"
This is going to be embarrassing. "Yeah. What about it?"
"Do you remember anything that happened after Koki dropped us at your place?"
Kame licks his lips, remembering the taste of Jin's against them. "Most of it. What do you remember?"
"That...that you kissed me." Jin pauses, takes a deep breath before continuing. "And I knew then how serious you were about trying to help. There I was, complaining about how I was going to be alone the rest of my life, and you kissed me to make me feel less lonely."
It's hard to keep from laughing but Kame tries. He can't believe Jin's convinced himself of this. "I didn't kiss you to make you feel less lonely! I kissed you because I wanted to!"
"Yeah, because you're a good person." Jin clings stubbornly to his explanation. "Such a good friend you'd do that to make me feel better."
"I try to be a good friend," Kame gasps out, half-laughing now, "but I'm not that altruistic, Jin. I kissed you because I was drunk and lonely and you were beautiful and there, and because I like you!"
Jin makes a little strangled noise in his throat. Kame contemplates switching on the lamp to see his reaction but decides against it. They can say more in the dark than they can in the light.
"I don't...I don't get this. You can't-"
"I can," Kame says firmly. "And I am." He scoots over on the sheets till he's right beside Jin, then rolls over to press himself against Jin's thigh, receiving a gasp in return. "You think I'm so selfless, or such a good actor I can fake that? I'm not. That's because it's driving me crazy sharing a bed with you and not being able to touch you."
He doesn't like it that Jin doesn't say anything in reply, only hiccups as his breath catches. Kame backs off, realising that he's well and truly crossed the line now and has probably ruined their happy weekend. "Sorry. I'll...I'll go down and ask if there are any rooms still available."
"You don't...uh...you don't have to do that. It's okay."
"But are you okay?"
"That story you told me, the one about the cool guy you had a crush on. That was about me, wasn't it?"
"Yeah." No point trying to keep secrets now. "That was you."
"Thought so. Why couldn't you just tell me?"
"Would you have listened back then?"
"Probably not," Jin admits. "But we're not the same people we used to be - especially me."
"And that's the other reason I couldn't tell you." Kame sighs. He hopes whoever's in the next room is either a heavy sleeper or out partying the night away. "Jin, I didn't want to confuse you even further. This...thing with you, it's not simple and you're still figuring yourself out. I didn't want to get in the middle of that, not like this.
"Besides, how could I even guess at your feelings when you didn't know them yourself?"
"You could try asking me?" Jin suggests.
"Fine; I'll ask you. What do you want? To kiss strange American men in clubs? To marry a half-Japanese girl and have three kids? Both? Something else?"
"I-I don't know, not in the long run. But if you remember kissing me...do you remember I kissed you back?"
"I remember," Kame murmurs as he leans towards Jin for a repeat performance. He can take a hint. It's not hard to find Jin's lips in the dark: dry, slightly chapped and waiting for him. The angle's bad, because Jin's still lying on his back and Kame's approaching from the side, but they make it work, somehow, bumping noses and laughing from sheer nervousness. It makes Kame want to leap out of bed and scream from the rooftops about how happy he is, that even if Jin changes his mind a moment later they have this one single point in time when it's what they both want.
When he begins to pull away Jin works a hand into his hair, just letting it rest there, which he takes as a sign Jin's unwilling to let him go. It's been a long time for both of them and it feels so good to be able to touch finally. Kame still can't believe it's actually happening. This might be a dream brought on by overwork, a fantasy to fool the mind.
But no fantasy could match up to Kame's reality tonight.
It's not all fun and games, though. At the back of his mind a warning lurks, reminding him that this is not only uncharted territory but dangerous as well. It's Jin, his friend of better than a decade and that makes it complicated enough, but he can't be sure of anything now. He's been with men and he's been with women, but he's never been with anyone in Jin's particular situation and that makes it impossible to predict what he wants out of this.
Still, he seems happy enough kissing, not making any move to progress things further, and Kame's content to indulge him for as long as he wants. Lips, along the jaw, down the side of the neck...Kame sprinkles kisses anywhere he can reach, gradually sliding over so he's half on top of Jin, eliciting a moan from him. He's hard now too and Kame wonders if it's okay to do something about that.
He risks sliding a hand under Jin's T-shirt, presses cold fingers against the warm skin of his stomach, and asks, "What do you want?"
"If you can't guess then it really has been too long."
"Not so long I can't remember what to do with one of these," Kame laughs, letting his other hand settle between Jin's legs, "but is that okay with you? Because I remember you saying something about wanting to be with girls as a girl, and I hate to break it to you but that's just not going to happen here. For one thing, I'm not a girl."
"And I'm probably not what you want either, but do you think I care right now?"
"Oh, you're exactly what I want and I'll take you any way I can get you - like a girl, if that's what you want, but I didn't pack for that..."
Kame's only teasing but Jin arches up against his hand anyway and says, "Some other time, maybe."
That makes Kame wonder how much Jin's thought about this, if he's imagined what it could be like between them - how it could be with someone from whom he has nothing to hide. They both have their own secrets to keep, but the one that causes the most problems for Jin is no secret to Kame and that makes this all the sweeter, that Jin trusts him with so much of himself.
Their hotel bed isn't designed for comfort, no matter what the promotional literature says, but they're both far too wired to sleep right now. Working under the covers, Kame struggles to remove Jin's pants and eventually leaves them tangled low on his thighs, giving him enough space to wrap a hand around Jin. Jin likes that, bucks his hips at the first touch of skin on skin then settles with every muscle tensed, leaving it to Kame to set the pace. He's too worked up to last for long.
He's also extremely responsive. Kame thinks he'll never tire of hearing Jin's breath catch, gasps he can't seem to muffle. Those breathy little sounds tell Kame he must be doing something right - sounds he's heard from Jin before, on the stage or before a camera, but never for him. This time they're real. He tries to steal those sounds with kisses but Jin laughs against his lips and complains about Kame's hair getting in his mouth.
Under the circumstances, Kame doesn't think it wise to joke about what else he could put in Jin's mouth. That's a conversation for another time. No matter what Jin says he's willing to do, his experience with guys thus far has been limited to a few kisses and Kame's not about to rush things, not when he's finally got what he wants and can take his time savouring it. It's going to take him that long to figure out how Jin wants to be treated. This is a lot more complicated than trying to decide whether or not to buy flowers or open car doors.
There's a box of tissues on the headboard and Kame reaches for one with his free hand. (They might be checking out tomorrow but they've still got to spend the night in this bed, after all.) He has to fumble around a bit to find the box, partly because it's dark but mostly because Jin chooses then to catch the waistband of his sweatpants and it's kind of distracting.
"You don't have to," Kame says out of sheer courtesy.
Jin snorts and ignores him, slipping his fingers under the fabric and making Kame jump. Kame retaliates by letting go; Jin whines in protest.
"Needy."
"Always have been," Jin says. "You know that better than anyone."
Kame knows a lot about Jin, some of it that no one else knows, but he's discovering a few new things tonight. Like how a kiss pressed to the inside of Jin's thigh makes him cry out (and jerk so violently he almost knees Kame in the head), and how he loves it when Kame strokes his hair (except when he encounters a tangle). In the dark he can't see Jin's face when he comes but he can feel it, warm and wet on his hand, and he cleans them both up with the tissues before the sheets get stained.
Jin lies bonelessly on the mattress, still breathing hard but all the tension's left his body and he barely reacts when Kame suggests he might want to pull his pants back up. "In a sec," he mumbles.
Rolling his eyes, Kame does it himself, forcing Jin to temporarily lift his hips off the bed.
"That was the most pathetic hip thrust ever," Kame declares. "Your dancers would disown you."
"I don't normally go straight from the bedroom to the stage," Jin says. "I can't dance when I'm post-coital."
"I can." Kame hopes he doesn't ask for details.
Jin laughs and squeezes Kame's hip. "Demonstrate for me later; I'd love to see you try."
"Does that mean you'll help?"
"If it's okay." Jin sounds less playful now; more hesitant. "If I..."
"It's more than okay," Kame assures him. He guides Jin's hand back to his waistband. "If you want."
Jin rolls over to lie on his side so he doesn't have to reach so far. Kame helpfully shimmies out of his lower layers when he realises Jin's not doing very much to assist.
"It really is okay," he tries again. "Unless you're uncomfortable...?"
"It's not that." Jin's gulp is so loud he might as well be trying to swallow a bowling ball. "It's just easier for me if I know what you want."
"I should think what I want is pretty obvious."
"No, I mean...um..."
There was a girl, once, back when Kame still dated girls and thought he meant it. A model with a beautiful face and a slender body, who melted into his kisses and told him she loved his acting. Their first time together she'd held back, never really relaxing until he'd figured out she was waiting for him to give her something to react to. Maybe Jin's waiting for that too.
Kame reaches for his hand. "Like this." Carefully, he splays Jin's fingers across his stomach and pushes them up under his T-shirt, guiding them over his chest.
Jin gets the idea, then. He lets Kame take him on a tour, mapping hairy legs and muscled arms and everything in between with long, curious fingers that tickle and tease. Kame knows his own body, knows what feels good and makes sure Jin learns it too. He's flushed and sweating by the time Jin's other hand joins the party, roaming independently and stopping just when Kame starts to feel like an unexploded time bomb with less than five seconds on the clock.
"Stop now and I will kick you out of bed," he growls.
"If you kick me I'll hit the wall," Jin says. "Then you'll have to explain to the paramedics."
"I'm good at improv-" Kame almost bites his tongue when Jin drags his hands down to rest on Kame's thighs, curling his thumbs inward. The time bomb clicks: another second gone.
"I can't talk about it," Jin says as he tries a few tentative strokes. "I don't know how to put it into words. It's embarrassing."
"I think I get it." Kame's voice shakes - he's so damned close and Jin's not quite managed to find a rhythm yet. "All those interviews where you said you preferred to wait and see what your partner wanted? I should've paid more attention back then."
Maybe it's the reassurance or maybe it's just a coincidence but Jin settles into a rhythm then. Kame would kiss him for it if the angle weren't so awkward. It's not the best handjob he's ever had because Jin's still learning what works for him, but the mere fact that it's Jin makes up for all the inexperience in the world.
"Doesn't seem like you needed to." Jin snakes his free hand around Kame's back, trying to draw him nearer.
Kame goes eagerly, craving more sensation. He throws a leg over Jin's waist; Jin giggles and squirms as Kame effectively tries to climb him in bed.
Unfortunately, this means both of their shirts are going to have flaky white patches in the morning. Kame grabs another tissue and cleans up as best he can in the dark. He can't turn the light on now. He chucks the lot in the general direction of the bin and figures he'll pick them up in the morning. No energy left for it tonight. He only just manages to find his sweatpants again.
"Come back," Jin whines like a child who's been abandoned by his mother in the middle of a department store.
Obligingly, Kame rolls back towards him. It appears Jin wants a cuddle. "If you strangle me in my sleep I'm going to haunt you forever."
"If I try to strangle you in my sleep you'll probably beat me up." Jin wraps one arm loosely around Kame's waist. "And I can't strangle you like this, anyway."
"Fair enough." Kame shakes his head, trying to keep his mouth clear of Jin's hair. He doesn't have much luck.
They say their goodnights again, no longer tense and Kame thinks this is it, they've somehow crossed that bridge and now he can stop worrying about whether or not he's accidentally going to give himself away. Too bad things have just become more complicated, not less.
"What are we gonna do?" Jin asks, tightening his grip. "Kame?"
"Go to sleep." Kame turns his head to kiss Jin on the cheek. "Save it for morning."
He dreams about work. He's still playing Nishikawa but Jin's playing Kage - no longer a thief of art but of hearts. Their cat-and-mouse game culminates in a rooftop showdown under a full moon. Nishikawa glimpses Kage's real face for the first time and realises they're not so different after all.
-----
There are worse ways to wake up than in bed with Akanishi Jin. There are also better ways, because Kame's finding it hard to breathe with his face smooshed into Jin's shoulder, but it still feels nice. They don't have to move yet. Jin always oversleeps, and though Kame doesn't, he's got nothing better to do right now. No lines to learn, no parts to practise, nowhere to be except snug in bed.
When he wakes up for a second time it's because his pillow's starting to move. Jin inches backwards, cracking open his eyes to give Kame a sleepy smile. His hair looks like he's been attacked by a dozen opposing stylists and there are blotches of red along his throat.
"Is it still Christmas?" he mumbles, barely opening his mouth enough to get the words out.
Kame grins. Jin is not a morning person. "Yeah, it's still Christmas. Even you couldn't sleep that long."
"Bet I could."
"Not today, you can't. We have to check out at some point."
"Eleven, I think." Jin groans, flopping over onto his back. "I don't want to go home."
Kame finds Jin's hand, holds it under the covers. "Does it matter where we are?"
"Guess not." Jin smiles and moves in for a kiss, but Kame forestalls him by telling him to go brush his teeth first.
While Jin's busy in the bathroom Kame tidies up the wreckage from last night. There's food packaging and cans everywhere, not to mention the tissues on the floor - though Kame's pleased to see one of them made it to the bin, anyway. Even in the dark, his pitching skills are up to the task.
It's not quite nine yet. When he's done straightening the room, Kame pops open one of the cans of cold coffee he'd picked up last night and watches TV for a bit, enjoying the coverage of Christmas celebrations all over the world. He doesn't have a tree this year - has been too busy to buy one, much less decorate it - but he likes to see the brightly coloured lights and streams of tinsel, baubles glittering on the branches. Jin told him about some of the trees he'd seen in America, so big he couldn't even see the top. Excessive, maybe, but they're used to that and Jin loves any excuse to go out and celebrate.
Or just any excuse to go out. Kame wonders if they'll go out together more, now. He's not sure what they are. Friends, certainly. Something more? Perhaps. He's told Jin everything and heard nothing back, which leaves him wondering what Jin even wants beyond this weekend.
They trade places in the tiny bathroom and by the time Kame's ready to go, Jin's already decided how he wants to spend the remaining hours before they have to return to Tokyo. He doesn't try for another kiss. They check out and leave before anyone can associate them with mysterious stains that may or may not appear on the sheets. While not weighed down by luggage, they don't feel inclined to carry their bags around all morning and while Kame can't speak for Jin, he feels gloriously lazy.
So lazy, in fact, that they take the train the one stop to Sannomiya and leave their bags in the coin lockers. Jin insists on hitting Starbucks afterwards because he needs more sustenance than cold canned coffee, so they grab a small table by the window and nibble on pastries as they watch the world walk by. Now that they've left the hotel there's space between them that hasn't been there since yesterday, a need to keep what's happened from the outside world. Kame wants to share bites of sweet flaky pastry and move his chair next to Jin's, but he can't do either of those things. Not here, where there's always a risk someone will spot them.
Jin's like that too, sometimes leaning forward further than really necessary to carry on a conversation, then recoiling as he catches himself. They're not even talking much. It's all chitchat about train times and weather conditions and how Yamapi might be avoiding Christmas this year; nothing deep, nothing personal. Kame's never had a "morning after" with someone he cares about this much before and he's working blind.
One sticky breakfast later, they head down Flower Road to take a look at Kobe's flower clock, which changes by the season. At the moment it's a snowflake, the delicate crystalline structure picked out in white flowers against a green background. Jin poses next to the clock while Kame takes pictures. He probably can't use the ones with Jin, but maybe he can use one without him for his next manual. Or Kage can tweet about it, throwing a red herring to his followers about his next target.
"One more picture," he says. "Then we can move on."
Jin smiles and blows him a kiss just as he takes the picture. That one's definitely not going out to the fans.
They keep walking till they hit a park, where they spend a while examining monuments built to honour those who lost their lives in the Great Hanshin Earthquake. They were both children when the quake happened, but natural disasters are part and parcel of living in Japan and there's not a soul in the country naïve enough to believe it can never happen to them. The Flame of Hope burns in its display case; Jin reads the plaque aloud in English. Somehow it sounds even more powerful than in Japanese, or perhaps that's the spin Jin gives it, and Kame edges close enough to rest a hand on his back, comfort for himself as much as for Jin.
Nobody pays attention to the two young men half-hidden by sunglasses and scarves; when Jin reaches around to take Kame's hand and tug it fully around his waist, Kame's the only one who cares. He scans the area anxiously for voyeurs, relaxing when he sees none. Jin might not be able to tell him outright what he wants but he's not doing too bad a job of showing him.
"Are you still going to do this in Tokyo?"
Jin hums in contemplation. "Hmm. Should I? I didn't...I didn't expect any of this to happen when I decided to drag you away for the weekend."
"No?" Kame raises sceptical eyebrows. "You'd obviously thought about it, though."
"A little bit. Since...um...you kissed me." He lowers his voice. "You'll kiss anybody when you're drunk, but you knew it was me and I thought maybe...maybe you meant it."
"Of course I meant it. I wasn't joking when I said it wasn't because I felt sorry for you, Jin. I kissed you because I like you. I feel sorry for Nakamaru all the time but I don't try to stick my tongue in his mouth."
"Ugh." Jin pulls a face. "I don't want to think about him kissing anyone, least of all you. That's just weird."
"You don't have to worry about me trying," Kame assures him. "He's not my type."
"If I'm your type, you must be even more screwed up than I am."
Kame fervently hopes no tourists pick that moment to walk past, because it doesn't look good when a couple of otherwise decent young men collapse in hysterical giggles in front of an earthquake memorial.
-----
It's easier to breathe afterwards. Kame stops worrying about whether or not he's somehow going to destroy whatever sense of gender identity Jin possesses, mostly because Jin doesn't seem to care. Maybe it's not going to be so complicated after all.
This time he's awake enough to pay for his own subway ticket on the way back to Shin-Kobe - pays for Jin's too, since he owes him. He used to pay both halves back when he dated girls, because that was the gentlemanly thing to do, but he's not about to start paying for Jin, girly attributes or no.
There's a Nozomi leaving just after two for Tokyo. Jin takes the window seat. It's quiet in the middle of the carriage, away from the soft slide of doors at either end where passengers pass through to use the facilities, and Kame settles down once they've had their tickets inspected.
"I should've bought a souvenir for our director's wife," he says. "I wouldn't be here if she hadn't insisted on having her husband home all weekend."
"Too late now." Jin cups his hands around his mouth and pretends to call out of the window. "Thank you, director's wife!"
"And thank you too."
"Good weekend?"
Kame grins. "The best."
"I'm glad. Um...what I said earlier, about you being screwed up? I was just kidding."
"I know." Kame rubs the back of his hand against Jin's for a moment, needing to touch him in some way that doesn't involve dragging him into the bathroom and pressing him up against the constantly rocking black walls. "I like to think of myself as pretty well-adjusted."
"For someone in the entertainment industry? Yeah, I'd say you're in the saner half...which is a good thing. One of us has to know what he's doing."
"I hope you don't expect it to be me," Kame says. "Not all the time. I don't want all the responsibility for this."
Jin leans back against the wall of the carriage, smirking. "Oi, don't make it sound like I'm handing you the key to my heart or something like that."
"Good." That's a relief to Kame. Jin is still Jin, even if he's now Kame's...boyfriend? Almost boyfriend? The guy he got very up close and personal with last night? It would be nice to know. He opts to ask the easier question. "Am I your boyfriend now?"
Bewilderment replaces Jin's smirk. "You always ask guys that after you sleep with them?"
"I usually know the answer before we get to that point," Kame says. "So what I'd like to know from you is: was that just us comforting each other through some mutual loneliness, never to be spoken of again, or can we do that after we get home?"
"You've got filming tomorrow," Jin says. "And I've got a couple of interviews to do. So maybe not straight after we get home..."
"I'm serious."
Jin shrugs and leans down till his head meets Kame's shoulder. "I like being with you, and I like how I feel when I'm with you. It's like there's no pressure, you know? I can just be me. And it's not as if...it's not as if I've never thought about it. Especially after I kissed that guy in LA. When I ran out I told him I had a boyfriend - I was thinking about you at the time."
Kame feels like he's finally being handed some of the missing puzzle pieces. They make him feel warm and loved. "Nice to know you think of me like that."
"Don't let it go to your head. It could've been anyone."
Somehow, Kame doesn't think so. "I'd have expected you to say you had a girlfriend."
Jin laughs, a little embarrassed. "Me too. I guess it's been so long since I've been with a girl, it didn't occur to me."
"You do realise you're not with one now, right? Because if you're going to turn this into your own personal lesbian fantasy I'm not g-" Kame pauses, shaking his head at how ridiculous that sounds. "What am I saying?"
"I know that, okay? But I never expected things would end up like this. Me with a guy. Even when that guy's you, it takes some getting used to."
"You seemed to be managing fine last night, but if you want to-"
"I'm not talking about sex, Kame. I'm pretty sure I can figure that part out. It's everything else." Jin knocks his head against the back of the seat and groans. "I bet my mum already knows!"
"She's good but she's not psychic. You don't...you don't have to say anything to her or anyone else, not if you don't want to. I'm not asking you to marry me, Jin. I'm just asking if you want to go out sometimes, the way we do now, only we can end the night with something a little friendlier than a wave goodbye."
"I like the sound of that," Jin gives him the smile he reserves for seducing fans from the stage, "but...give me some time, all right? Let's take it day by day and see what happens."
"Even in this, you're 'my pace'."
"No one can keep up with your pace," Jin grumbles. "You're always rushing off ahead."
Kame hooks his pinky around Jin's. "This time I think I'll wait."