[JE] Or Something Like It
Title: Or Something Like It
Fandom: KAT-TUN / NEWS
Characters: Jin, Yamapi, Ryo
Rating: PG
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 3,204
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Takes place during the fourth story in the series, Out and About, so think of this as #transjinder 4.5. Following Kame's advice, Yamapi gets Jin and Ryo together to talk.
A/N: I never intended to write this scene, and it wasn't the fic I was planning on posting next, but here it is. Hopefully I have managed not to contradict myself anywhere.
Or Something Like It
Jin knows he can't avoid it forever. Running out on Ryo was only going to make it harder - and the fact that he'd run straight to Kame probably hadn't helped. If only they hadn't done that stupid Freecell spread.
He's lucky Kame's not mad at him for interrupting his date. If it even was a date. Jin figures if Kame himself isn't sure, it couldn't have been.
And now he's stuck in limbo, avoiding Ryo's calls and hoping he'll miraculously forget about it all so things can get back to normal. Jin hadn't even planned how to tell Ryo or his other friends - but under the harsh lights of a dirty nightclub bathroom wouldn't have been his first choice.
When Yamapi calls, Jin knows the choice is no longer his. He doesn't say Ryo's going to be there but it's obvious when Pi doesn't even bother to make up an excuse. No video game tournaments, no movie marathons, no songwriting sessions, just a vague intimation that Jin might like to come over and hang out this evening. Equally vague, Jin says he might show up, and spends the rest of the day trying not to let the apprehension show on his face at work. The last thing he wants is to look terrified in ViVi. He can't even bring himself to make his usual request to the editor to put him on the cover. It's reserved for girls, after all, and he thinks that with the way his luck is going, it's just possible that this time, someone will decide to grant his request.
Going to Yamapi's place doesn't normally require him to psych himself up at the front door. They haven't lived together for ages, of course, and they've both moved since then, but to Jin, his best friend's home always feels like his own. They're each other's family - even their families are family - and Jin's never been a stranger here. He knows where the glasses are and where to find the clean towels; he's even got a spare toothbrush lying in the back of the bathroom cabinet, for those mornings after nights where it's too much effort to drag himself home.
Tonight it's as if he's walking through the front door for the first time in his life. Ryo's already there, sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, open beer in hand. There's a bowl of tortillas on the coffee table, a tray of dips beside it, and enough crumbs to suggest this party got started a while ago.
A dozen excuses run through Jin's head, none of them particularly believable. Yamapi grabs his hand and wraps it around a bottle and suddenly that's it, the door is closed, nowhere to go but down. Jin grabs a cushion from the couch and drops to the floor in the space they've left open for him. He hopes Pi's well-stocked, because if they have the conversation he thinks they're going to have, there's no way he's getting through it sober.
Jin's gaze flicks anxiously between two of his closest friends, who both look as uncomfortable as he feels. He forces out a nervous laugh and says, "Is this an intervention?"
Yamapi employs an excuse Jin has heard many times over the course of his life from a variety of different people, including himself. "Kame told me to do it."
"You don't answer my calls, you don't write," Ryo says. "I'm starting to take it personally."
"Sorry." Jin shrugs, keeping it casual for as long as he can. "I've been kind of busy."
"And the other night at Lex, you were busy then too?"
"I wasn't feeling great - too much to drink. You know how it is."
Ryo snorts. "Yeah, I know exactly how it is. I know what you're like when you've had too much and you were barely tipsy. Now cough it up or I start writing you messages in Wink Up again."
"You're not helping!" Yamapi gives Jin an apologetic smile. "Kame didn't really say anything about how we were supposed to do this, but I don't think he meant it to include threats."
"It's not a threat, it's a promise." Ryo dunks a chip in the sour cream. "And if Kame's so wise maybe he should be here. The way he talks, at least I might get some answers out of him."
"I'm...I'm supposed to be doing this myself." Jin downs half his drink in one go, wishing it were something stronger so he could sail through this on auto-pilot and wake up to find everyone enlightened and happy. "I'm supposed to tell...um..."
"I'm not an idiot, Jin." Ryo's expression softens. "You ran out on me because I asked you about wearing women's clothing and liking it. You do realise I'm in Kanjani8, right? Yasu's got more skirts in his wardrobe than my mother, and he's not the only one. It doesn't matter, okay?"
It's the same situation all over again: the truth, but not all of it. Jin can't leave it at this. Better to do it all at once, like ripping off a plaster. "There's...uh...a bit more to it than that."
"You and Subaru can exchange nail polish tips or something, I don't care. You in a dress, though..." Ryo leans back, takes a good long look at Jin, considering the possibilities. "Nah. You'd be fifteen out of a hundred, at best. I'm not being seen with you in public unless you can get yourself up to at least eighty."
Jin momentarily forgets to be apprehensive; he's too busy being indignant. "Thanks for the support!"
"Maybe, maybe seventy-five, but that's my best offer."
"And maybe if you can get yourself up to being seventy-five percent human, I'll let you be seen with me in public," Jin says sweetly.
Yamapi looks like he wants to tip his beer over both their heads. "Behave or I'm taking away the tortillas."
Both Jin and Ryo grab a pre-emptive handful and for a second there, it looks like a fight is going to break out over the salsa. Yamapi solves the problem by stealing it himself, earning dirty looks from the other two. It's a normal, stupid squabble between friends, one of thousands, moronic yet comforting.
The comfort is short-lived. "Pi, can I talk to you alone for a sec?" Jin asks.
"You said it to me; you can say it to Ryo," Yamapi says. "It'll be okay."
"And it almost killed me saying it to you." Jin nibbles the edge of a chip, not really tasting it. "This stuff doesn't get any easier."
"If you guys are trying to make me hop up and down with frustration, you're out of luck." Ryo stretches his arms over his head. "No energy. Spill it, Akanishi. You know you can't keep a secret."
"I kept this one for a long time." Sometimes Jin regrets telling anyone at all. Then he wouldn't have to keep doing this. "It's...it's not just the clothes, all right? I mean, I do like wearing that stuff - sometimes - but I don't need it to feel like...uh..."
"A girl," Yamapi adds, trying to help.
Jin nods. "Yeah. Like a girl." There, he's said it, and if Ryo would just say something maybe his heart could slow down from its current pace of a million miles a second.
"You? A girl?" Ryo runs his hands through his hair, completely ignoring the spice flecks he's weaving in. "You're what, like Haruna Ai?"
The name sends a shiver down Jin's spine. Ai-chan likes to tease, and for some reason she thinks he makes an excellent target. "Not like that. Not like that at all. I don't want surgery."
"What do you want?"
"I don't know!"
"Then how do you know? Jin, you might be the least manly person in the room right now but you're a guy. What makes you think you're not?"
Ryo's not yelling at him, sounds confused rather than angry, and Jin can understand that, but it still hurts a little bit because he has no idea how this is going to turn out and he's desperate to avoid driving his friends away. He needs people, always has done.
"I am, but..." He freezes up, holding himself completely still. If he doesn't move, he doesn't have to speak. They can just stay like that until they all fall asleep, and in the morning everything will be better.
"Jin?" That's Yamapi at his elbow. Jin can't see; keeps his eyes fixed on the floor. "Jin?"
Ryo says something Jin can't catch, and then Yamapi gently shakes his arm and asks if he wants some water.
Jin unfreezes long enough to nod, amazed when the tiny movement doesn't shatter him into pieces. He blinks when Ryo shoves a bottle of Evian under his nose, then mumbles his thanks. A couple of sips of cold, clear water help to ground him. He holds the bottle against first one burning cheek then the other; this is one situation where blushing like a schoolgirl is really not going to do him any favours.
"Stop tuning us out, idiot," Ryo says roughly, though there's affection behind the words. "How am I supposed to get it if you don't?"
"Right." Jin gives himself a mental shake. Damnit, he's not trying to explain himself to the press, or to his manager, or even to Johnny. He's talking to a friend, someone who cares enough about him to want to understand. They've been through plenty of rough times together before. This is simply the next one on the list. "It's not that I'm not a guy. I mean, it's not like I've got the wrong parts. I guess...I don't know, maybe my hormones are all mixed up or something. It's kind of...awkward for me to look into."
"You haven't been to a doctor, right?" Yamapi says.
"I'm not going to a doctor. Can you imagine if the news got out?"
"Go to one in America? Your English is good enough to discuss this, isn't it?"
It's sweet how Yamapi's trying so hard to make this sound like a medical issue, one Jin can't help having but could potentially make go away with male hormone injections, but it's not going to help. "I'm not seeing a doctor," he says stubbornly. "I'm not going to find myself a therapist, either. I have a hard enough time talking to Kame about all this - I don't think I can tell a total stranger I spend half my time feeling like one of the girls."
"Half your time?" Of course Ryo latches onto the wrong bit.
"Figure of speech," Jin says. "Sometimes I won't feel any different for weeks, and other times I just wake up in the morning and I know. I don't have a set routine."
Ryo gets himself another beer, because of course he knows his way around too. "And know what, exactly? That you're going to get up wanting to bake cookies and pick flowers?"
"I only see flowers when people send them to me at the theatre," Jin says, opting not to mention those he received from Kame on his birthday. "And unless you all want to be poisoned, I think it's safest if I leave the baking to Kame."
Ryo snickers. "Maybe you're mixing yourself up with him. That, I could understand."
"Kame's not...Kame's not like that. Not like me. But he understands." Jin sighs. "I used to think I was going crazy. He helped me see that I wasn't. Maybe it seems that way to you, though."
"I don't think you're crazy...but I do think this means the two of us can never watch porn together again."
"I'm heartbroken," Jin says, deadpan.
"I'm curious about that." Yamapi picks the worst moment to stick his oar in. "Do you still watch? Or does it offend your girly sensibilities?"
Jin hasn't given it much thought. "Not really. Not that I'm offended or anything but my interest's at an all-time low at the moment. Too much else going on in my brain."
"If you need your brain to be involved you're obviously watching the wrong kind of porn," Ryo says. "So what is going on in there?" He taps Jin on the forehead. "What does it feel like?"
"Weird. It's like everyone's seeing me through these glasses, and I'm screaming at them to take the glasses off and see the real me but they won't." Kame's wearing glasses too, Jin thinks, but they're not the same ones everyone else is wearing. For one thing, they probably cost three times as much. "I end up putting on lipstick and staring at myself in the mirror for hours. I buy cute clothes and jewellery to make myself look pretty, less...awkward."
"You're prettier than a lot of real girls without doing anything," Ryo says. "Why bother? And if you ever repeat that to anyone I'll kill you."
"I bother because it makes me feel more like my inside and my outside match. You treat girls and guys differently, don't you? And normally, you can tell by the way they look."
"Not so much in our line of work," Yamapi mutters, and the others have to agree.
"So," Jin continues, "if I look more like a girl on the outside..."
Ryo's jaw drops. "You actually want people to treat you more like a girl? Not that anyone's going to mistake you for one. Not in Japan."
"I know that!" Being in the entertainment industry certainly has its drawbacks - pursuit of anonymity is futile. But then, Jin's not sure if he'd ever have started walking this path, had he not been an idol. "I like it, okay?"
"Am I supposed to get you flowers now?"
"Are you dating me?"
"No!"
"Then you don't have to get me flowers. What is it with you and this flower obsession?"
"He just had to send a dozen bouquets to that girl he upset last week," Yamapi explains. "I think he's got a points card now."
The look Ryo shoots him could wither the contents of an entire florist's shop. "Fine, no flowers. And no cuddling, or pyjama parties, or giving each other manicures, or whatever else girls do together."
"Like I'd want to cuddle you," Jin says. "I thought we'd established that I'm not crazy?"
"You'd crush me if you did - or you will if you don't stay away from the tortillas."
Ryo's made many digs at his size in the past, and sometimes they've been justified, but Jin's carrying little in the way of weight at the moment and the slight hurts. He's worried about it a lot before, especially in 2007, when he returned from LA with what would've been a healthy figure in America but gave his bosses in Japan a fit. The other members had tried to assure him that it was fine, that it was good to be a normal weight for a change, but he hadn't been able to relax till he'd shed the excess again.
He pushes the bowl closer to Yamapi's side of the table. The snacks have been ruined for him. Yamapi shrugs and takes a handful.
The movement's not lost on Ryo. "I didn't mean that! You're picking now to take me seriously?"
Jin shrugs. "Not hungry. Nothing to do with you."
"I'm going to have to watch every word I say around you." Ryo groans. "I might as well take a vow of silence!"
Yamapi raises a hand. "In favour!"
"You don't get a vote," Ryo says. "On anything. Ever."
"Then you don't get ice cream. Jin and I are going to eat the whole tub by ourselves."
"I'll pass on the ice cream." Jin rubs his stomach. "No room."
"Can you just forget I said anything?" Ryo says. "Even if you don't want the ice cream, I do."
Nobody eats the ice cream, in the end, because none of them can be bothered to get up and fetch it. It would probably do Jin good but he can't bring himself to eat it now, so he settles for cooling himself down with the water instead. Even though he's wearing a loose T-shirt he feels warm from the embarrassment that refuses to fade away, not completely comfortable yet. He's not sure how to interpret Ryo's reaction. Mostly, he seems exasperated.
That's better than hostile. Jin will take it.
"Are we...okay?" he asks cautiously.
Ryo sighs. "I'm not getting this, sorry. I have no idea what you're feeling or why you're feeling it, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Clothing, I understand. Kinks, I understand. But this..."
Jin's heart sinks to somewhere near his ankles. "That's...that's fine. I don't know what I was expecting when I came here." He begins to lever himself up from the cushion, but Ryo grabs his arm and pulls him back down.
"Don't be such a drama queen. Yeah, I don't get it, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. What am I supposed to do, just stop being your friend all of a sudden?"
"That's an option?"
"It's not an option," Ryo says firmly. "Somebody's got to make sure you don't do anything stupid. Well, more stupid than usual, anyway."
Yamapi flashes them a thumbs up. "I knew this would turn out okay!"
"Sure you did." Ryo smirks at him. "So that's why you've been clutching your phone like a life preserver, ready to call Kame at a moment's notice."
"Nothing wrong with being prepared," Yamapi says. "And now I can call him and say everything's all right. It is all right, isn't it, Jin?"
Jin can allow relief to wash over him now. His heart rises back up to its normal resting place so rapidly that it leaves him feeling lightheaded, almost giddy. "Yeah. I think so."
"You're not going to start going out with us in a dress, are you?" Ryo asks.
Remembering his one and only experience going out on the town in a dress, Jin can't help but laugh. "Definitely not. I wasn't planning on doing anything different - much. All we can do is see how things go."
"Okay. Good." Ryo sounds relieved too. "Because it's definitely going to take me some time to get my head around this one."
"Sorry."
"And I do not want to hear all the gruesome details about how it feels to be a girl."
Jin's still laughing. "Okay."
Ryo smiles back at him, no smirking this time. This is the kind, slightly goofy smile of the friend who always has Jin's back when the press are on his case, who tells audiences that Jin is very shy and that they should go up to him and be friendly. "Ignore everything I've been saying. Do whatever you need to, whatever makes you happy. I'll deal with it. I'll help you deal with it, if I can."
"This is very moving." Yamapi pretends to wipe away tears. "A touching example of male friendship."
"You're a pair of saps," Jin says, retrieving his abandoned beer to clink against Yamapi's.
"I count three saps." Ryo adds his own bottle to the mix. "To manly bonding."
Or something like it.
Fandom: KAT-TUN / NEWS
Characters: Jin, Yamapi, Ryo
Rating: PG
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 3,204
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Takes place during the fourth story in the series, Out and About, so think of this as #transjinder 4.5. Following Kame's advice, Yamapi gets Jin and Ryo together to talk.
A/N: I never intended to write this scene, and it wasn't the fic I was planning on posting next, but here it is. Hopefully I have managed not to contradict myself anywhere.
Or Something Like It
Jin knows he can't avoid it forever. Running out on Ryo was only going to make it harder - and the fact that he'd run straight to Kame probably hadn't helped. If only they hadn't done that stupid Freecell spread.
He's lucky Kame's not mad at him for interrupting his date. If it even was a date. Jin figures if Kame himself isn't sure, it couldn't have been.
And now he's stuck in limbo, avoiding Ryo's calls and hoping he'll miraculously forget about it all so things can get back to normal. Jin hadn't even planned how to tell Ryo or his other friends - but under the harsh lights of a dirty nightclub bathroom wouldn't have been his first choice.
When Yamapi calls, Jin knows the choice is no longer his. He doesn't say Ryo's going to be there but it's obvious when Pi doesn't even bother to make up an excuse. No video game tournaments, no movie marathons, no songwriting sessions, just a vague intimation that Jin might like to come over and hang out this evening. Equally vague, Jin says he might show up, and spends the rest of the day trying not to let the apprehension show on his face at work. The last thing he wants is to look terrified in ViVi. He can't even bring himself to make his usual request to the editor to put him on the cover. It's reserved for girls, after all, and he thinks that with the way his luck is going, it's just possible that this time, someone will decide to grant his request.
Going to Yamapi's place doesn't normally require him to psych himself up at the front door. They haven't lived together for ages, of course, and they've both moved since then, but to Jin, his best friend's home always feels like his own. They're each other's family - even their families are family - and Jin's never been a stranger here. He knows where the glasses are and where to find the clean towels; he's even got a spare toothbrush lying in the back of the bathroom cabinet, for those mornings after nights where it's too much effort to drag himself home.
Tonight it's as if he's walking through the front door for the first time in his life. Ryo's already there, sitting on the floor with his back against the couch, open beer in hand. There's a bowl of tortillas on the coffee table, a tray of dips beside it, and enough crumbs to suggest this party got started a while ago.
A dozen excuses run through Jin's head, none of them particularly believable. Yamapi grabs his hand and wraps it around a bottle and suddenly that's it, the door is closed, nowhere to go but down. Jin grabs a cushion from the couch and drops to the floor in the space they've left open for him. He hopes Pi's well-stocked, because if they have the conversation he thinks they're going to have, there's no way he's getting through it sober.
Jin's gaze flicks anxiously between two of his closest friends, who both look as uncomfortable as he feels. He forces out a nervous laugh and says, "Is this an intervention?"
Yamapi employs an excuse Jin has heard many times over the course of his life from a variety of different people, including himself. "Kame told me to do it."
"You don't answer my calls, you don't write," Ryo says. "I'm starting to take it personally."
"Sorry." Jin shrugs, keeping it casual for as long as he can. "I've been kind of busy."
"And the other night at Lex, you were busy then too?"
"I wasn't feeling great - too much to drink. You know how it is."
Ryo snorts. "Yeah, I know exactly how it is. I know what you're like when you've had too much and you were barely tipsy. Now cough it up or I start writing you messages in Wink Up again."
"You're not helping!" Yamapi gives Jin an apologetic smile. "Kame didn't really say anything about how we were supposed to do this, but I don't think he meant it to include threats."
"It's not a threat, it's a promise." Ryo dunks a chip in the sour cream. "And if Kame's so wise maybe he should be here. The way he talks, at least I might get some answers out of him."
"I'm...I'm supposed to be doing this myself." Jin downs half his drink in one go, wishing it were something stronger so he could sail through this on auto-pilot and wake up to find everyone enlightened and happy. "I'm supposed to tell...um..."
"I'm not an idiot, Jin." Ryo's expression softens. "You ran out on me because I asked you about wearing women's clothing and liking it. You do realise I'm in Kanjani8, right? Yasu's got more skirts in his wardrobe than my mother, and he's not the only one. It doesn't matter, okay?"
It's the same situation all over again: the truth, but not all of it. Jin can't leave it at this. Better to do it all at once, like ripping off a plaster. "There's...uh...a bit more to it than that."
"You and Subaru can exchange nail polish tips or something, I don't care. You in a dress, though..." Ryo leans back, takes a good long look at Jin, considering the possibilities. "Nah. You'd be fifteen out of a hundred, at best. I'm not being seen with you in public unless you can get yourself up to at least eighty."
Jin momentarily forgets to be apprehensive; he's too busy being indignant. "Thanks for the support!"
"Maybe, maybe seventy-five, but that's my best offer."
"And maybe if you can get yourself up to being seventy-five percent human, I'll let you be seen with me in public," Jin says sweetly.
Yamapi looks like he wants to tip his beer over both their heads. "Behave or I'm taking away the tortillas."
Both Jin and Ryo grab a pre-emptive handful and for a second there, it looks like a fight is going to break out over the salsa. Yamapi solves the problem by stealing it himself, earning dirty looks from the other two. It's a normal, stupid squabble between friends, one of thousands, moronic yet comforting.
The comfort is short-lived. "Pi, can I talk to you alone for a sec?" Jin asks.
"You said it to me; you can say it to Ryo," Yamapi says. "It'll be okay."
"And it almost killed me saying it to you." Jin nibbles the edge of a chip, not really tasting it. "This stuff doesn't get any easier."
"If you guys are trying to make me hop up and down with frustration, you're out of luck." Ryo stretches his arms over his head. "No energy. Spill it, Akanishi. You know you can't keep a secret."
"I kept this one for a long time." Sometimes Jin regrets telling anyone at all. Then he wouldn't have to keep doing this. "It's...it's not just the clothes, all right? I mean, I do like wearing that stuff - sometimes - but I don't need it to feel like...uh..."
"A girl," Yamapi adds, trying to help.
Jin nods. "Yeah. Like a girl." There, he's said it, and if Ryo would just say something maybe his heart could slow down from its current pace of a million miles a second.
"You? A girl?" Ryo runs his hands through his hair, completely ignoring the spice flecks he's weaving in. "You're what, like Haruna Ai?"
The name sends a shiver down Jin's spine. Ai-chan likes to tease, and for some reason she thinks he makes an excellent target. "Not like that. Not like that at all. I don't want surgery."
"What do you want?"
"I don't know!"
"Then how do you know? Jin, you might be the least manly person in the room right now but you're a guy. What makes you think you're not?"
Ryo's not yelling at him, sounds confused rather than angry, and Jin can understand that, but it still hurts a little bit because he has no idea how this is going to turn out and he's desperate to avoid driving his friends away. He needs people, always has done.
"I am, but..." He freezes up, holding himself completely still. If he doesn't move, he doesn't have to speak. They can just stay like that until they all fall asleep, and in the morning everything will be better.
"Jin?" That's Yamapi at his elbow. Jin can't see; keeps his eyes fixed on the floor. "Jin?"
Ryo says something Jin can't catch, and then Yamapi gently shakes his arm and asks if he wants some water.
Jin unfreezes long enough to nod, amazed when the tiny movement doesn't shatter him into pieces. He blinks when Ryo shoves a bottle of Evian under his nose, then mumbles his thanks. A couple of sips of cold, clear water help to ground him. He holds the bottle against first one burning cheek then the other; this is one situation where blushing like a schoolgirl is really not going to do him any favours.
"Stop tuning us out, idiot," Ryo says roughly, though there's affection behind the words. "How am I supposed to get it if you don't?"
"Right." Jin gives himself a mental shake. Damnit, he's not trying to explain himself to the press, or to his manager, or even to Johnny. He's talking to a friend, someone who cares enough about him to want to understand. They've been through plenty of rough times together before. This is simply the next one on the list. "It's not that I'm not a guy. I mean, it's not like I've got the wrong parts. I guess...I don't know, maybe my hormones are all mixed up or something. It's kind of...awkward for me to look into."
"You haven't been to a doctor, right?" Yamapi says.
"I'm not going to a doctor. Can you imagine if the news got out?"
"Go to one in America? Your English is good enough to discuss this, isn't it?"
It's sweet how Yamapi's trying so hard to make this sound like a medical issue, one Jin can't help having but could potentially make go away with male hormone injections, but it's not going to help. "I'm not seeing a doctor," he says stubbornly. "I'm not going to find myself a therapist, either. I have a hard enough time talking to Kame about all this - I don't think I can tell a total stranger I spend half my time feeling like one of the girls."
"Half your time?" Of course Ryo latches onto the wrong bit.
"Figure of speech," Jin says. "Sometimes I won't feel any different for weeks, and other times I just wake up in the morning and I know. I don't have a set routine."
Ryo gets himself another beer, because of course he knows his way around too. "And know what, exactly? That you're going to get up wanting to bake cookies and pick flowers?"
"I only see flowers when people send them to me at the theatre," Jin says, opting not to mention those he received from Kame on his birthday. "And unless you all want to be poisoned, I think it's safest if I leave the baking to Kame."
Ryo snickers. "Maybe you're mixing yourself up with him. That, I could understand."
"Kame's not...Kame's not like that. Not like me. But he understands." Jin sighs. "I used to think I was going crazy. He helped me see that I wasn't. Maybe it seems that way to you, though."
"I don't think you're crazy...but I do think this means the two of us can never watch porn together again."
"I'm heartbroken," Jin says, deadpan.
"I'm curious about that." Yamapi picks the worst moment to stick his oar in. "Do you still watch? Or does it offend your girly sensibilities?"
Jin hasn't given it much thought. "Not really. Not that I'm offended or anything but my interest's at an all-time low at the moment. Too much else going on in my brain."
"If you need your brain to be involved you're obviously watching the wrong kind of porn," Ryo says. "So what is going on in there?" He taps Jin on the forehead. "What does it feel like?"
"Weird. It's like everyone's seeing me through these glasses, and I'm screaming at them to take the glasses off and see the real me but they won't." Kame's wearing glasses too, Jin thinks, but they're not the same ones everyone else is wearing. For one thing, they probably cost three times as much. "I end up putting on lipstick and staring at myself in the mirror for hours. I buy cute clothes and jewellery to make myself look pretty, less...awkward."
"You're prettier than a lot of real girls without doing anything," Ryo says. "Why bother? And if you ever repeat that to anyone I'll kill you."
"I bother because it makes me feel more like my inside and my outside match. You treat girls and guys differently, don't you? And normally, you can tell by the way they look."
"Not so much in our line of work," Yamapi mutters, and the others have to agree.
"So," Jin continues, "if I look more like a girl on the outside..."
Ryo's jaw drops. "You actually want people to treat you more like a girl? Not that anyone's going to mistake you for one. Not in Japan."
"I know that!" Being in the entertainment industry certainly has its drawbacks - pursuit of anonymity is futile. But then, Jin's not sure if he'd ever have started walking this path, had he not been an idol. "I like it, okay?"
"Am I supposed to get you flowers now?"
"Are you dating me?"
"No!"
"Then you don't have to get me flowers. What is it with you and this flower obsession?"
"He just had to send a dozen bouquets to that girl he upset last week," Yamapi explains. "I think he's got a points card now."
The look Ryo shoots him could wither the contents of an entire florist's shop. "Fine, no flowers. And no cuddling, or pyjama parties, or giving each other manicures, or whatever else girls do together."
"Like I'd want to cuddle you," Jin says. "I thought we'd established that I'm not crazy?"
"You'd crush me if you did - or you will if you don't stay away from the tortillas."
Ryo's made many digs at his size in the past, and sometimes they've been justified, but Jin's carrying little in the way of weight at the moment and the slight hurts. He's worried about it a lot before, especially in 2007, when he returned from LA with what would've been a healthy figure in America but gave his bosses in Japan a fit. The other members had tried to assure him that it was fine, that it was good to be a normal weight for a change, but he hadn't been able to relax till he'd shed the excess again.
He pushes the bowl closer to Yamapi's side of the table. The snacks have been ruined for him. Yamapi shrugs and takes a handful.
The movement's not lost on Ryo. "I didn't mean that! You're picking now to take me seriously?"
Jin shrugs. "Not hungry. Nothing to do with you."
"I'm going to have to watch every word I say around you." Ryo groans. "I might as well take a vow of silence!"
Yamapi raises a hand. "In favour!"
"You don't get a vote," Ryo says. "On anything. Ever."
"Then you don't get ice cream. Jin and I are going to eat the whole tub by ourselves."
"I'll pass on the ice cream." Jin rubs his stomach. "No room."
"Can you just forget I said anything?" Ryo says. "Even if you don't want the ice cream, I do."
Nobody eats the ice cream, in the end, because none of them can be bothered to get up and fetch it. It would probably do Jin good but he can't bring himself to eat it now, so he settles for cooling himself down with the water instead. Even though he's wearing a loose T-shirt he feels warm from the embarrassment that refuses to fade away, not completely comfortable yet. He's not sure how to interpret Ryo's reaction. Mostly, he seems exasperated.
That's better than hostile. Jin will take it.
"Are we...okay?" he asks cautiously.
Ryo sighs. "I'm not getting this, sorry. I have no idea what you're feeling or why you're feeling it, and I don't know what I'm supposed to say. Clothing, I understand. Kinks, I understand. But this..."
Jin's heart sinks to somewhere near his ankles. "That's...that's fine. I don't know what I was expecting when I came here." He begins to lever himself up from the cushion, but Ryo grabs his arm and pulls him back down.
"Don't be such a drama queen. Yeah, I don't get it, but that doesn't mean I'm not going to try. What am I supposed to do, just stop being your friend all of a sudden?"
"That's an option?"
"It's not an option," Ryo says firmly. "Somebody's got to make sure you don't do anything stupid. Well, more stupid than usual, anyway."
Yamapi flashes them a thumbs up. "I knew this would turn out okay!"
"Sure you did." Ryo smirks at him. "So that's why you've been clutching your phone like a life preserver, ready to call Kame at a moment's notice."
"Nothing wrong with being prepared," Yamapi says. "And now I can call him and say everything's all right. It is all right, isn't it, Jin?"
Jin can allow relief to wash over him now. His heart rises back up to its normal resting place so rapidly that it leaves him feeling lightheaded, almost giddy. "Yeah. I think so."
"You're not going to start going out with us in a dress, are you?" Ryo asks.
Remembering his one and only experience going out on the town in a dress, Jin can't help but laugh. "Definitely not. I wasn't planning on doing anything different - much. All we can do is see how things go."
"Okay. Good." Ryo sounds relieved too. "Because it's definitely going to take me some time to get my head around this one."
"Sorry."
"And I do not want to hear all the gruesome details about how it feels to be a girl."
Jin's still laughing. "Okay."
Ryo smiles back at him, no smirking this time. This is the kind, slightly goofy smile of the friend who always has Jin's back when the press are on his case, who tells audiences that Jin is very shy and that they should go up to him and be friendly. "Ignore everything I've been saying. Do whatever you need to, whatever makes you happy. I'll deal with it. I'll help you deal with it, if I can."
"This is very moving." Yamapi pretends to wipe away tears. "A touching example of male friendship."
"You're a pair of saps," Jin says, retrieving his abandoned beer to clink against Yamapi's.
"I count three saps." Ryo adds his own bottle to the mix. "To manly bonding."
Or something like it.