[JE] [TJ8] Girls on Film
Title: Girls on Film
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Characters: Jin, Junno, Yoko
Rating: PG
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 5,000
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Jin's got a mystery that not even Yuukan Club can solve.
A/N: Title appropriated from the Duran Duran song of the same name. This is a prequel, set during autumn 2007 while Jin was filming Yuukan Club.
Girls on Film
Miroku's not normally the kind of character Jin knows how to play. He smokes - constantly sucks lollies, in the drama - loves dogs, and rides a motorbike, and that's where the similarity with Jin ends. Miroku's a technological wizard, building computers from scratch and hacking his way into all kinds of secrets. Jin's limit is making homemade music videos and adding special effects to his photos. Miroku's tough, smart and devious. Jin can't lie to save his life, not if he wants anyone to believe him. His face always gives him away.
Fortunately, the manga's author likes him so much she doesn't care that his interpretation of the character is about as liberal as you can get. He's not about to dye his hair pink for the role, for starters, and while he tries his best to give life to Miroku, he's well aware that he's muddling through his first acting job since returning to KAT-TUN, scraping by till he reaches the end.
Still, it's fun being on set again, even if he'd forgotten how much he hates the early starts and late finishes. It helps that Junno's there, and Kanjani8's Yokoyama is an old friend too, so it's not like he's been thrown into a pool full of strangers and told to sink or swim. He's got people to remind him how things are done, to keep him from feeling isolated, and since Kame's filming a drama for NTV too, he sometimes pops in for a visit.
Kame's happy to see him back in Japan. The fans are happy to see him back in the spotlight. The director's happy because he thinks Jin spontaneously bursting into tears during the first episode was a deliberate ad-lib and he likes it so much he wants to make it a regular thing.
Jin goes along with it, makes out that Miroku is obviously a softy when it comes to intensely emotional moments, and of course he's going to be moved when the girl he likes announces that she's moving away. The second take, the one that actually makes it into the episode, looks like that.
The first take, the unintentional one, Jin hopes has been deleted. He'd rather not have a record of the moment where he noticed Saki-chan's school uniform and wondered how he'd look in something like that.
He's worn plenty of the crazy, sparkly costumes since returning to Japan, which embarrasses him a lot more than it used to, but that's...okay. He can live with it. It's the price he pays for being an idol. Sometimes he even likes it, when he's up to his eyebrows in glitter and make-up and he looks in the mirror to find a pretty, androgynous creature staring back at him.
But they're not on tour anymore and Jin's costume for all the 'Keep the Faith' promo is not exactly on the girly side. He'd asked for something that didn't cling to him, still self-conscious about the weight he'd gained in America, and ended up with a fluffy, stripy jumper big enough to hide any curves he might ever have possessed.
It's good that it's big enough to hide his figure. He wishes he could hide his feelings the same way. Bursting into tears in the middle of a drama set is not exactly a stealthy move. He's not even sure why it happened. Envy? Shame? Fear that this is never going to go away, that he's going to slowly lose his mind one piece at a time till his world's so warped that he shows up for work in a ballgown?
Junno hands him one of Bidou's expensive monogrammed handkerchiefs to wipe his eyes and the director calls for them to cut. He likes this idea of Shouchikubai Miroku, tough high-school biker, tearing up at emotionally charged moments. It's a comedy, after all, and Jin had timed it perfectly for once in his life.
Jin hides his face behind embroidered white silk and takes a few minutes to bring himself back under control, one deep breath at a time. He feels utterly mortified. He's a professional, damnit. He ought to be able to play the part without letting his own emotions get in the way.
Yoko slings an arm over his shoulders to deliver a speech about how Jin's inspiring him to throw in a few ad-libs of his own, and he's sure their working atmosphere will be amazing from now on. It's complete nonsense, of course, but it brings a smile to Jin's face.
They manage a second take, where the fake sobs look and sound exactly that, but at least Jin doesn't feel like someone's set fire to his skin anymore. Later, in the dressing room, he rushes to change, wanting to get away as soon as possible. There's been a suggestion that they all go get something to eat together, but Jin doesn't think he can be sociable right now. Not when he might say the wrong thing, give himself away.
Junno catches him anyway. Typical. He swears his bad timing is intentional; Jin's never certain whether or not to believe him. He keeps Jin back until the room's clear, offering him a friendly, encouraging smile.
"It's pretty exhausting filming a drama again, isn't it?" he says.
Jin runs a hand through his hair, irritable that it's not as long as he'd like. He had to cut and dye it for the drama and it makes him feel like a squirrel sometimes. "Kind of. I could definitely do without the early mornings."
"Would it help if I picked you up tomorrow? You could nap in the car on the way in."
There's a hint of desperation in Junno's kind offer; Jin spots it in his eyes too and realises he's worried that another six months down the line, they'll be reliving the whole horrible experience again, watching Jin walk away from his life to start again in America.
He smiles back, hoping it reaches his eyes. "I'm not about to burn myself out over something like this. It's going to take more than some high-school detective drama to send me back to America, okay?"
"Okay, but..." Junno sounds dubious. "If it's getting to you, say something before it builds up like that. No more ad-lib tears, all right? You don't have to deal with it by yourself."
As it happens, this is the one thing Jin does have to deal with by himself, except he's not sure how. He's on shaky ground with the agency as it is - if he so much as hints at his feelings, they'll pack him off to a doctor with orders to be fed pills until he's "normal" again. He doesn't think there's a shot you can get to stop you going crazy.
Jin promises to ask for support if he needs it and watches Junno leave for the night. It's reassuring to know someone's looking out for him, even if it's pointless. Better for them all think he's merely feeling the strain of work again than find out just how badly he's starting to doubt himself.
-----
When they film the third episode, Jin's the only male member of Yuukan Club to get away without wearing a wedding dress. Part of him enjoys that they've turned him into some kind of action hero for the episode, albeit one who tears up at the sob stories of gangsters, and thinks he's lucky to have avoided fighting in skirts.
The other part of him looks at Junno and Yoko in their flowing white dresses and long black wigs, and wonders how it would feel to slip inside, become a fake bride himself. There's a photoshoot he did once, with himself as the groom and Kame in a wedding dress, and Kame's smiling as happily as ever, not caring how ridiculous he looks. It's always just work, with Kame. He didn't even protest.
Jin used to be like that too, dressing up for silly skits without giving it a second thought. He's got more than a few of those thoughts now, though, and they're going to war with those other thoughts, the ones he'd cheerfully extract from his head to bury in the earth, as deep as he can, never to be uncovered.
Junno insists on having his photo taken, the narcissist, so Jin takes pictures of the two beautiful boys and pretends he can think of nothing worse than dressing up as a blushing bride, teasing them without mercy till they remember his weakness. The tickling doesn't stop until Minami walks in and pretends to be scandalised by the sight of Jin with two brides sitting on him. Jin runs his fingers through the fabric of their skirts as he pretends to struggle. It's not for him and it never will be.
He gets all of KAT-TUN together to watch the episode, curious to see their reactions. Junno laps up all compliments on his appearance, Ueda makes cracks about Miroku's dorky running style, Nakamaru spends the entire episode trying to figure out how Miroku's dad can possibly be so clueless when his son gets offered leadership of a yazuka group while in his earshot, Koki insists he has better legs for playing a girl, and Kame...
Kame looks intrigued. He joins in with the teasing, bobs his head in time with the nice acoustic version of 'Keep the Faith', and asks, Jin hopes in jest, when it's his turn to wear skirts. Jin laughs it off and hopes it won't happen, but they're filming a comedy. Cross-dressing's practically a staple.
It doesn't come for a while. One of Jin's most demanding scenes ends up being a no-holds barred fight with Yoko, in which he has to prove he can still do backflips and take a (staged) punch with the best of them. It's like being back in Gokusen again, except the fight scenes look better (everyone in Gokusen went down with one hit) and Miroku doesn't wear nearly as much lipstick as Hayato. (Jin never could understand why Hayato and Ryuu, two supposedly tough delinquents, wore so much make-up, but the fans seemed to like it.)
There's a moment where Seishirou gets an arm around Miroku's neck, intent on choking him into unconsciousness, and Jin has to focus less on looking like a total badass and more on keeping his feet. Yoko's trying not to press on his windpipe, keeping his arm fairly low, but Jin's still leaning backwards and if he stumbles he'll choke himself. It's almost exhilarating, maintaining such a delicate balance.
What's more exhilarating is when Yoko insists on checking him over after they're done filming the scene, gently running his fingers over Jin's throat, careful not to stray down to his collarbones. He's apologetic, of course, and Jin shrugs it off, as expected, because they've knocked each other about a fair bit and not all the bruises are make-up. Makes it more authentic. Jin feels like he's earned the right to look like a complete mess now.
He's playing a tough guy, one of the best fighters in the series, but it feels nice to be treated with such care, even if he has to make a point of keeping up macho banter all the while because it looks kind of weird to let another guy get his hands all over your throat. (Or anyone else, for that matter, because Jin's not into that, no matter what the rumours say.)
There's a nice atmosphere on the set now. The six of them can go out to eat, poke fun at each other, and have a good laugh when they don't have to be serious. Jin hasn't heard any rumours yet about himself and any of the girls, which gives him hope that there won't be any. He's got enough problems with his real girlfriends, never mind rumoured ones, and none of them happen to be his type. He prefers them with a little more of the "take charge" aspect about them, anyway, and that's not something he's going to find here.
The laughter comes readily. That makes it easier when Jin's turn finally arrives. Episode eight, the script that fills him with dread before he's done reading. The plot's ludicrous but that's par for the course; he thinks it's a miracle Miroku turned out sane at all with the parents he's got.
The culprit, in this case, is a crossdresser calling himself Keiko, purporting to be in love with Miroku's father. Keiko doesn't make a very convincing woman. Junno, dressed as a pretty blond bubblehead, looks like some rich old man's arm candy. Yoko, a darkhaired minx in blue, looks like the kind of girl who'd be conning the rich old man out of his money.
Jin's not sure what he looks like. His dress isn't particularly flattering, the leopard-print wrap over his shoulders looks tacky, the long brown wig itches like crazy, you could land a plane on his giant headband and compared to the other two he feels enormous, which is silly since Junno's actually taller than him. This is one episode he does not want to watch, ever, and especially not with anyone he knows.
"I don't get it," he complains in the dressing room, watching Junno blot his lipstick. "If we're trying to make this guy jealous, couldn't we just cling to Miroku's dad dressed as men?"
"It's not as funny," Yoko says. "Anyway, you think Miroku wants to be recognised, cuddling up to his dad at work? He'd be totally embarrassed."
"I'm already embarrassed," Jin says, "and we haven't even started filming yet."
Junno finishes blowing kisses at his reflection and pockets his little pink hand mirror. Bidou possibly preens even more in girl mode than in guy mode. He takes one look at Jin and gives him an affected, "Ni~ce, Miroku!"
Jin glares at him, but he suspects the effect is somewhat spoiled by the make-up.
"What a heartbreaker!" Yoko isn't helping.
"That's it." Jin tears off the wig, throwing it down on the table. "I'm not doing this."
"It's only for a few minutes." Junno picks up the wig. "You're not as convincing as us, of course, but you still make a pretty girl."
When Jin's heart contracts he's not sure whether it's because he's relieved to be considered less convincing...or annoyed. He's used to hearing that he's pretty. He'd rather people didn't focus on his looks, but if they insist on commenting, he'd rather hear that he's handsome.
But no one ever says that. People compliment him on his delicate features and pouty lips - Takako used to joke that he'd fit better in an all-girl group than she would - and he swallows it all down, a weird mixture of pride and shame that burns his throat. It can't be right, can it?
"Keep pouting just like that," Yoko says. "You're getting into character already."
"But-"
Jin doesn't get very far with his protest before the wig's back in place and he's being escorted out with a fake glamour girl on each arm. It doesn't take much for him to fake Miroku's sick expression, cuddling up to his old man as they stroll down the corridor. His padded chest sticks out a mile. He's the brassy, buxom klutz who makes the others look delicate and petite and it's in keeping with Miroku's character.
Not so much in keeping with Jin's. He can't remember ever feeling so ungainly before. Awkward, yes, especially as a teenager, but this takes it to new levels. If he manages to get through the scene without tripping up he'll count the day as a success. Kame would be perfect for this, skipping down the corridor, cute and tiny and making all the right moves with an ease Jin envies.
Kame wouldn't care. He'd take the dress off after the scene, maybe flirt a little with the staff first, make it a joke between them. Then he'd get ready for whatever was next, professional to the bone. It would all be the same to him.
It's not the same for Jin. He'd like it to be. He remembers the days when he didn't question his feelings and simply acted on them. If he did that now...the results could be disastrous.
There's another scene with them all in drag, in the office, where Bidou preens and Miroku reveals that he keeps his cell phone in his bra. Jin's no longer wearing the wig, but he picks it up when they leave to change and makes a beeline for the men's room.
It's empty - just as well, since he's still wearing a dress - and he settles the wig back over his own hair. The mirror's not long enough to display everything: it shows him from the waist up, padded bra half-visible and dress slightly askew from the cell phone hunt, lipstick starting to smear. He's a beautiful mess, some other guy's good-time girl, fresh from a quickie and ready for more.
He draws circles around his eyes, scraping traces of colour with his nails. His eyes are still his own: wide, brown and frightened by feelings he doesn't know how to explain. He bites down on his painted lower lip to keep everything from spilling out. It has to stay inside - there's nowhere else for it to go.
He stays like that, gripping the counter with both hands till his chin stops quivering and the glassiness fades from his eyes. Control, that's it. All he has to do is go out there and change back into men's clothing and everything will be fine. The weirdness will stop.
Six hours later, the weirdness is still there and Jin's curled up on his bed at home, hugging a pillow and vowing never to let them dress him up like a girl again.
-----
There's not much of the series left to film. Episode nine passes in a flash and before Jin knows it, they're filming the final episode and the only ridiculous thing he has to wear is a reindeer hat. He's getting off lightly, as far as he's concerned.
Much more so than Miroku, who accidentally shoots one of his best friends, gets beaten up on multiple occasions, has his bike destroyed and gets held at gunpoint. It's Jin's best shot at showing he can do something with the role, and this time he's not the only one crying.
It's not a real gun; he has to keep reminding himself of that when it's pressed to his forehead. He slumps against the wall, imagines he's losing consciousness, tells himself Miroku's terror is overwhelming him and there's not a damned thing he can do about it.
It works too well. He's barely aware of movement on set, a rescue conducted by Miroku's friends - mostly Seishirou, who seems to enjoy giving speeches while beating people up. At least this time he doesn't have to do it in a wedding dress.
Jin returns to himself when he hears worried voices calling his character's name; for a second, he can't remember whose they are. The disorientation clears after a few good blinks, when their faces come back into focus and the gun's silencer is no longer his mental wallpaper. He remembers not to sit up, not to break character. They're here to rescue Miroku, not him. He's not the one who's been beaten up. He doesn't need saving.
Not from a cheap thug with a toy gun, anyway.
He lets them help him up. They're going to safety now, which for Jin means a wardrobe change and some strategically placed bandages.
"Lunch first," Junno reminds him. They've shot a lot of physical scenes this morning; this afternoon they'll be using the Kenbishi house set and things will be much more sedate. "You should have a pretty good appetite by now! Miroku's had a hard morning."
"And Bidou hasn't even managed to throw a proper punch," Jin says, grinning at him. "You probably can't eat more than a few bites."
Jin has no problems with his appetite - he's got the most physical role in the show and today it's left him ravenous. It's a tough job, solving crime. It would be nice to have a solid, meaty role on the other side of the fence, though. He won't hold his breath waiting for it. Delinquent bad boys are as close as he's going to get to playing a villain for now.
High-school delinquent bad boys, at that. After Anego he thought he'd finally escaped that, but Yuukan Club is a step backwards and if his face stays the way it is, the agency could have him playing high-school students - or possibly university students - for years yet.
It bothers him sometimes that he doesn't change. Oh, his hair varies in style and colour, as does the amount of flesh on his bones, but if he doesn't shave for a couple of days, it makes no real difference. (If Kame doesn't shave for a couple of days, he's well on his way to an actual beard.)
Even when his hair's shorter it doesn't help. The last time he had most of it shorn off, Koki told him he looked like a tomboy. Sometimes it's as if the only visual proof he has of his masculinity is dropping his trousers and he can hardly do that in public. He's grateful for his height and the size of his hands; those, at least, are less common for girls. He's got his mother's face - his younger brother looks both older and more masculine than him, which will be great when he's about sixty but isn't particularly helpful for a guy in his twenties.
He shouldn't think about this kind of thing over lunch. Bitter laughter has him choking on a piece of beef when he wonders if anyone would consider casting him as a femme fatale.
-----
The final scene they film isn't actually the final scene in the series, which takes place in the clubroom. They've already done the clubroom scenes, including the one where they all sit and weep around the table. Jin doesn't have to fake those tears. It's dark, they all look broken and bruised, and he feels like someone's just told him he'll never be able to dance again. He's got no problem letting Miroku's emotions run away with him.
The last scene they shoot for the series is much lighter, a celebration of Yuukan Club's victory, and like that, months of hard work have come to an end. As the leading man, it's Jin's duty to hand out the flowers to the rest of the cast - including Junno, who very nearly misses out on the hug Jin pretends he's not going to give him.
Yoko gets a hug too. Jin stretches up on his toes and wraps his arms around Yoko's neck like a little brother clinging to his big brother. It's been kind of like that on the set, with all the teasing and playing around Jin's come to expect - an odd sort of family unit, but stable, at least.
Jin doesn't know what will be next for him. KAT-TUN's new single will be for Kame's drama, of course, and there's bound to be a tour in the summer, but that leaves him with a lot of blank spaces to fill. He hopes none of them involve dressing like a girl, though that's hard to guarantee, given what he does for a living. He thinks if he keeps looking straight ahead, maybe he'll only see the things he wants to see. Then he won't have to look back, won't have to watch himself crumble to pieces on the inside.
It's not as if he's suddenly realised he's gay. He could deal with that, classify it, put a name to it. He can't put a name to this. He likes girls as much as ever...but now he's started thinking more about how he likes them, and there's something...not quite right, there. Not quite normal, as far as he can gather. He likes straightforward people who know what they want and how to get it - in all areas of his life, not just in relationships - and the couple of times he's been with girls who've turned out to be completely passive in bed, things haven't gone well.
Haven't gone at all, really. He's fumbled his way through without enjoying himself, hoping that somewhere along the line things will click into place and he'll wake up in the morning knowing he had an amazing night. It's been a while since he had one of those. It doesn't do much for his self-esteem - or his libido - to be told he's not trying hard enough, that he's too hesitant, that he's too clingy. Some girls like that he enjoys a good cuddle. Others tell him to move over, they can't breathe.
Trying to find a happy medium isn't working out for Jin. He relies on the old waist injury excuse, says it's kind of sore from work and he doesn't want to aggravate it by moving around too much. Most of the time that gets him sympathy. Sometimes it's even real. He's more comfortable waiting to see what his partner likes, reactive rather than proactive, which he likes to think is a considerate approach.
Apparently it's possible to be too considerate. (Though not according to his mother.) It's a pity, because Jin enjoys sex - or used to, until he stopped to think about it and it became weird - and he likes to feel loved. The prospect of taking up celibacy holds no appeal for him whatsoever. Unfortunately, the way things are going for him at the moment, it's looking like his only option. Every relationship he's had over the past couple of years has fizzled out and he's starting to wonder if this is why.
The first time he puts on lipstick at home - not for work, just for him - he realises there's probably more to it than that.
He's spent enough time in make-up to know what works for him, and he's got a kit for when he has to do his own, but it's different today. Today he doesn't have to go anywhere, doesn't have to let anyone see his face. He's not going in front of a camera. He's not making himself pretty for an audience.
Jin's home alone, but that doesn't stop him locking the bathroom door. Feels right to keep it a secret. He's doing something he's not supposed to, it's only sensible to keep it hidden. He half expects to see other people in the mirror, unseen witnesses who disappear when he turns around, but the only strange face in the mirror is his own.
It's winter-pale but clean, smooth save the mole by his eye. He's not bothering with foundation. He's almost out and now's not the time to be replenishing his stash, not when there's a risk that he could come home with half a cosmetic stand.
This isn't about completing the look, anyway. This is about one single act.
Jin sets the bag down next to the sink and fishes blindly inside for the tube he knows will be there. The label's long since peeled off; he has no idea what brand it is, or even what colour, but that's not important either. He could be staining his lips white and it would make no difference, except that he'd be even more embarrassed at being caught.
Caught. Like he's doing something criminal. Maybe the entire agency should be locked up.
He pops the lid, fumbles with it till it clatters into the sink. A few twists and the lipstick slides out, a pinkish brown only a few shades away from his current hair colour. It probably won't suit him anyway. Doesn't matter.
Deep breath. It's not like he doesn't do this all the time, doesn't have it done to him by make-up artists. It's nothing new.
He holds it to his mouth, barely touching his lower lip. He could probably do this blindfolded. Maybe blindfolded would be better.
Colour sweeps in a curve before he can change his mind, his hand moving automatically in familiar patterns. He blots with a tissue; a little comes off but the bulk remains, proof of what he's done.
There's still a strange face in the mirror. Jin sets the lipstick aside and traces the curves of his lips with his fingers. They're still his lips, but now they're someone else's too, and Jin's been trying to avoid that person for over a year. Just looking makes him feel a little queasy, but also a little excited, which makes the queasiness worse.
There's fear too. Fear of being discovered, fear of not knowing what he's so afraid of being discovered. He doesn't even know where to start. There's no one he can talk to about this. The people he trusts can't help him, and the people who might be able to help him...he has no idea who they are. There's always the internet, of course, but Jin suspects he's not going to find much of help in Japanese. For all its eccentricity, Japan is essentially conservative. Perhaps if his English were better...
No. Even if he could read English perfectly, he'd be lost without a starting point. Looking up 'men who like to wear lipstick' would no doubt return some interesting results, but the lipstick scarcely matters and 'like' isn't exactly the term he'd use. There's an overall picture and he's just starting to make out the lines. He's not ready to add colour yet.
He doesn't need the lipstick to feel the way he feels, he understands that now, but maybe...maybe if he can keep those feelings, bottle them somehow, he can let them out when he chooses. Like this. He can't ignore them anymore.
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Characters: Jin, Junno, Yoko
Rating: PG
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 5,000
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Jin's got a mystery that not even Yuukan Club can solve.
A/N: Title appropriated from the Duran Duran song of the same name. This is a prequel, set during autumn 2007 while Jin was filming Yuukan Club.
Girls on Film
Miroku's not normally the kind of character Jin knows how to play. He smokes - constantly sucks lollies, in the drama - loves dogs, and rides a motorbike, and that's where the similarity with Jin ends. Miroku's a technological wizard, building computers from scratch and hacking his way into all kinds of secrets. Jin's limit is making homemade music videos and adding special effects to his photos. Miroku's tough, smart and devious. Jin can't lie to save his life, not if he wants anyone to believe him. His face always gives him away.
Fortunately, the manga's author likes him so much she doesn't care that his interpretation of the character is about as liberal as you can get. He's not about to dye his hair pink for the role, for starters, and while he tries his best to give life to Miroku, he's well aware that he's muddling through his first acting job since returning to KAT-TUN, scraping by till he reaches the end.
Still, it's fun being on set again, even if he'd forgotten how much he hates the early starts and late finishes. It helps that Junno's there, and Kanjani8's Yokoyama is an old friend too, so it's not like he's been thrown into a pool full of strangers and told to sink or swim. He's got people to remind him how things are done, to keep him from feeling isolated, and since Kame's filming a drama for NTV too, he sometimes pops in for a visit.
Kame's happy to see him back in Japan. The fans are happy to see him back in the spotlight. The director's happy because he thinks Jin spontaneously bursting into tears during the first episode was a deliberate ad-lib and he likes it so much he wants to make it a regular thing.
Jin goes along with it, makes out that Miroku is obviously a softy when it comes to intensely emotional moments, and of course he's going to be moved when the girl he likes announces that she's moving away. The second take, the one that actually makes it into the episode, looks like that.
The first take, the unintentional one, Jin hopes has been deleted. He'd rather not have a record of the moment where he noticed Saki-chan's school uniform and wondered how he'd look in something like that.
He's worn plenty of the crazy, sparkly costumes since returning to Japan, which embarrasses him a lot more than it used to, but that's...okay. He can live with it. It's the price he pays for being an idol. Sometimes he even likes it, when he's up to his eyebrows in glitter and make-up and he looks in the mirror to find a pretty, androgynous creature staring back at him.
But they're not on tour anymore and Jin's costume for all the 'Keep the Faith' promo is not exactly on the girly side. He'd asked for something that didn't cling to him, still self-conscious about the weight he'd gained in America, and ended up with a fluffy, stripy jumper big enough to hide any curves he might ever have possessed.
It's good that it's big enough to hide his figure. He wishes he could hide his feelings the same way. Bursting into tears in the middle of a drama set is not exactly a stealthy move. He's not even sure why it happened. Envy? Shame? Fear that this is never going to go away, that he's going to slowly lose his mind one piece at a time till his world's so warped that he shows up for work in a ballgown?
Junno hands him one of Bidou's expensive monogrammed handkerchiefs to wipe his eyes and the director calls for them to cut. He likes this idea of Shouchikubai Miroku, tough high-school biker, tearing up at emotionally charged moments. It's a comedy, after all, and Jin had timed it perfectly for once in his life.
Jin hides his face behind embroidered white silk and takes a few minutes to bring himself back under control, one deep breath at a time. He feels utterly mortified. He's a professional, damnit. He ought to be able to play the part without letting his own emotions get in the way.
Yoko slings an arm over his shoulders to deliver a speech about how Jin's inspiring him to throw in a few ad-libs of his own, and he's sure their working atmosphere will be amazing from now on. It's complete nonsense, of course, but it brings a smile to Jin's face.
They manage a second take, where the fake sobs look and sound exactly that, but at least Jin doesn't feel like someone's set fire to his skin anymore. Later, in the dressing room, he rushes to change, wanting to get away as soon as possible. There's been a suggestion that they all go get something to eat together, but Jin doesn't think he can be sociable right now. Not when he might say the wrong thing, give himself away.
Junno catches him anyway. Typical. He swears his bad timing is intentional; Jin's never certain whether or not to believe him. He keeps Jin back until the room's clear, offering him a friendly, encouraging smile.
"It's pretty exhausting filming a drama again, isn't it?" he says.
Jin runs a hand through his hair, irritable that it's not as long as he'd like. He had to cut and dye it for the drama and it makes him feel like a squirrel sometimes. "Kind of. I could definitely do without the early mornings."
"Would it help if I picked you up tomorrow? You could nap in the car on the way in."
There's a hint of desperation in Junno's kind offer; Jin spots it in his eyes too and realises he's worried that another six months down the line, they'll be reliving the whole horrible experience again, watching Jin walk away from his life to start again in America.
He smiles back, hoping it reaches his eyes. "I'm not about to burn myself out over something like this. It's going to take more than some high-school detective drama to send me back to America, okay?"
"Okay, but..." Junno sounds dubious. "If it's getting to you, say something before it builds up like that. No more ad-lib tears, all right? You don't have to deal with it by yourself."
As it happens, this is the one thing Jin does have to deal with by himself, except he's not sure how. He's on shaky ground with the agency as it is - if he so much as hints at his feelings, they'll pack him off to a doctor with orders to be fed pills until he's "normal" again. He doesn't think there's a shot you can get to stop you going crazy.
Jin promises to ask for support if he needs it and watches Junno leave for the night. It's reassuring to know someone's looking out for him, even if it's pointless. Better for them all think he's merely feeling the strain of work again than find out just how badly he's starting to doubt himself.
-----
When they film the third episode, Jin's the only male member of Yuukan Club to get away without wearing a wedding dress. Part of him enjoys that they've turned him into some kind of action hero for the episode, albeit one who tears up at the sob stories of gangsters, and thinks he's lucky to have avoided fighting in skirts.
The other part of him looks at Junno and Yoko in their flowing white dresses and long black wigs, and wonders how it would feel to slip inside, become a fake bride himself. There's a photoshoot he did once, with himself as the groom and Kame in a wedding dress, and Kame's smiling as happily as ever, not caring how ridiculous he looks. It's always just work, with Kame. He didn't even protest.
Jin used to be like that too, dressing up for silly skits without giving it a second thought. He's got more than a few of those thoughts now, though, and they're going to war with those other thoughts, the ones he'd cheerfully extract from his head to bury in the earth, as deep as he can, never to be uncovered.
Junno insists on having his photo taken, the narcissist, so Jin takes pictures of the two beautiful boys and pretends he can think of nothing worse than dressing up as a blushing bride, teasing them without mercy till they remember his weakness. The tickling doesn't stop until Minami walks in and pretends to be scandalised by the sight of Jin with two brides sitting on him. Jin runs his fingers through the fabric of their skirts as he pretends to struggle. It's not for him and it never will be.
He gets all of KAT-TUN together to watch the episode, curious to see their reactions. Junno laps up all compliments on his appearance, Ueda makes cracks about Miroku's dorky running style, Nakamaru spends the entire episode trying to figure out how Miroku's dad can possibly be so clueless when his son gets offered leadership of a yazuka group while in his earshot, Koki insists he has better legs for playing a girl, and Kame...
Kame looks intrigued. He joins in with the teasing, bobs his head in time with the nice acoustic version of 'Keep the Faith', and asks, Jin hopes in jest, when it's his turn to wear skirts. Jin laughs it off and hopes it won't happen, but they're filming a comedy. Cross-dressing's practically a staple.
It doesn't come for a while. One of Jin's most demanding scenes ends up being a no-holds barred fight with Yoko, in which he has to prove he can still do backflips and take a (staged) punch with the best of them. It's like being back in Gokusen again, except the fight scenes look better (everyone in Gokusen went down with one hit) and Miroku doesn't wear nearly as much lipstick as Hayato. (Jin never could understand why Hayato and Ryuu, two supposedly tough delinquents, wore so much make-up, but the fans seemed to like it.)
There's a moment where Seishirou gets an arm around Miroku's neck, intent on choking him into unconsciousness, and Jin has to focus less on looking like a total badass and more on keeping his feet. Yoko's trying not to press on his windpipe, keeping his arm fairly low, but Jin's still leaning backwards and if he stumbles he'll choke himself. It's almost exhilarating, maintaining such a delicate balance.
What's more exhilarating is when Yoko insists on checking him over after they're done filming the scene, gently running his fingers over Jin's throat, careful not to stray down to his collarbones. He's apologetic, of course, and Jin shrugs it off, as expected, because they've knocked each other about a fair bit and not all the bruises are make-up. Makes it more authentic. Jin feels like he's earned the right to look like a complete mess now.
He's playing a tough guy, one of the best fighters in the series, but it feels nice to be treated with such care, even if he has to make a point of keeping up macho banter all the while because it looks kind of weird to let another guy get his hands all over your throat. (Or anyone else, for that matter, because Jin's not into that, no matter what the rumours say.)
There's a nice atmosphere on the set now. The six of them can go out to eat, poke fun at each other, and have a good laugh when they don't have to be serious. Jin hasn't heard any rumours yet about himself and any of the girls, which gives him hope that there won't be any. He's got enough problems with his real girlfriends, never mind rumoured ones, and none of them happen to be his type. He prefers them with a little more of the "take charge" aspect about them, anyway, and that's not something he's going to find here.
The laughter comes readily. That makes it easier when Jin's turn finally arrives. Episode eight, the script that fills him with dread before he's done reading. The plot's ludicrous but that's par for the course; he thinks it's a miracle Miroku turned out sane at all with the parents he's got.
The culprit, in this case, is a crossdresser calling himself Keiko, purporting to be in love with Miroku's father. Keiko doesn't make a very convincing woman. Junno, dressed as a pretty blond bubblehead, looks like some rich old man's arm candy. Yoko, a darkhaired minx in blue, looks like the kind of girl who'd be conning the rich old man out of his money.
Jin's not sure what he looks like. His dress isn't particularly flattering, the leopard-print wrap over his shoulders looks tacky, the long brown wig itches like crazy, you could land a plane on his giant headband and compared to the other two he feels enormous, which is silly since Junno's actually taller than him. This is one episode he does not want to watch, ever, and especially not with anyone he knows.
"I don't get it," he complains in the dressing room, watching Junno blot his lipstick. "If we're trying to make this guy jealous, couldn't we just cling to Miroku's dad dressed as men?"
"It's not as funny," Yoko says. "Anyway, you think Miroku wants to be recognised, cuddling up to his dad at work? He'd be totally embarrassed."
"I'm already embarrassed," Jin says, "and we haven't even started filming yet."
Junno finishes blowing kisses at his reflection and pockets his little pink hand mirror. Bidou possibly preens even more in girl mode than in guy mode. He takes one look at Jin and gives him an affected, "Ni~ce, Miroku!"
Jin glares at him, but he suspects the effect is somewhat spoiled by the make-up.
"What a heartbreaker!" Yoko isn't helping.
"That's it." Jin tears off the wig, throwing it down on the table. "I'm not doing this."
"It's only for a few minutes." Junno picks up the wig. "You're not as convincing as us, of course, but you still make a pretty girl."
When Jin's heart contracts he's not sure whether it's because he's relieved to be considered less convincing...or annoyed. He's used to hearing that he's pretty. He'd rather people didn't focus on his looks, but if they insist on commenting, he'd rather hear that he's handsome.
But no one ever says that. People compliment him on his delicate features and pouty lips - Takako used to joke that he'd fit better in an all-girl group than she would - and he swallows it all down, a weird mixture of pride and shame that burns his throat. It can't be right, can it?
"Keep pouting just like that," Yoko says. "You're getting into character already."
"But-"
Jin doesn't get very far with his protest before the wig's back in place and he's being escorted out with a fake glamour girl on each arm. It doesn't take much for him to fake Miroku's sick expression, cuddling up to his old man as they stroll down the corridor. His padded chest sticks out a mile. He's the brassy, buxom klutz who makes the others look delicate and petite and it's in keeping with Miroku's character.
Not so much in keeping with Jin's. He can't remember ever feeling so ungainly before. Awkward, yes, especially as a teenager, but this takes it to new levels. If he manages to get through the scene without tripping up he'll count the day as a success. Kame would be perfect for this, skipping down the corridor, cute and tiny and making all the right moves with an ease Jin envies.
Kame wouldn't care. He'd take the dress off after the scene, maybe flirt a little with the staff first, make it a joke between them. Then he'd get ready for whatever was next, professional to the bone. It would all be the same to him.
It's not the same for Jin. He'd like it to be. He remembers the days when he didn't question his feelings and simply acted on them. If he did that now...the results could be disastrous.
There's another scene with them all in drag, in the office, where Bidou preens and Miroku reveals that he keeps his cell phone in his bra. Jin's no longer wearing the wig, but he picks it up when they leave to change and makes a beeline for the men's room.
It's empty - just as well, since he's still wearing a dress - and he settles the wig back over his own hair. The mirror's not long enough to display everything: it shows him from the waist up, padded bra half-visible and dress slightly askew from the cell phone hunt, lipstick starting to smear. He's a beautiful mess, some other guy's good-time girl, fresh from a quickie and ready for more.
He draws circles around his eyes, scraping traces of colour with his nails. His eyes are still his own: wide, brown and frightened by feelings he doesn't know how to explain. He bites down on his painted lower lip to keep everything from spilling out. It has to stay inside - there's nowhere else for it to go.
He stays like that, gripping the counter with both hands till his chin stops quivering and the glassiness fades from his eyes. Control, that's it. All he has to do is go out there and change back into men's clothing and everything will be fine. The weirdness will stop.
Six hours later, the weirdness is still there and Jin's curled up on his bed at home, hugging a pillow and vowing never to let them dress him up like a girl again.
-----
There's not much of the series left to film. Episode nine passes in a flash and before Jin knows it, they're filming the final episode and the only ridiculous thing he has to wear is a reindeer hat. He's getting off lightly, as far as he's concerned.
Much more so than Miroku, who accidentally shoots one of his best friends, gets beaten up on multiple occasions, has his bike destroyed and gets held at gunpoint. It's Jin's best shot at showing he can do something with the role, and this time he's not the only one crying.
It's not a real gun; he has to keep reminding himself of that when it's pressed to his forehead. He slumps against the wall, imagines he's losing consciousness, tells himself Miroku's terror is overwhelming him and there's not a damned thing he can do about it.
It works too well. He's barely aware of movement on set, a rescue conducted by Miroku's friends - mostly Seishirou, who seems to enjoy giving speeches while beating people up. At least this time he doesn't have to do it in a wedding dress.
Jin returns to himself when he hears worried voices calling his character's name; for a second, he can't remember whose they are. The disorientation clears after a few good blinks, when their faces come back into focus and the gun's silencer is no longer his mental wallpaper. He remembers not to sit up, not to break character. They're here to rescue Miroku, not him. He's not the one who's been beaten up. He doesn't need saving.
Not from a cheap thug with a toy gun, anyway.
He lets them help him up. They're going to safety now, which for Jin means a wardrobe change and some strategically placed bandages.
"Lunch first," Junno reminds him. They've shot a lot of physical scenes this morning; this afternoon they'll be using the Kenbishi house set and things will be much more sedate. "You should have a pretty good appetite by now! Miroku's had a hard morning."
"And Bidou hasn't even managed to throw a proper punch," Jin says, grinning at him. "You probably can't eat more than a few bites."
Jin has no problems with his appetite - he's got the most physical role in the show and today it's left him ravenous. It's a tough job, solving crime. It would be nice to have a solid, meaty role on the other side of the fence, though. He won't hold his breath waiting for it. Delinquent bad boys are as close as he's going to get to playing a villain for now.
High-school delinquent bad boys, at that. After Anego he thought he'd finally escaped that, but Yuukan Club is a step backwards and if his face stays the way it is, the agency could have him playing high-school students - or possibly university students - for years yet.
It bothers him sometimes that he doesn't change. Oh, his hair varies in style and colour, as does the amount of flesh on his bones, but if he doesn't shave for a couple of days, it makes no real difference. (If Kame doesn't shave for a couple of days, he's well on his way to an actual beard.)
Even when his hair's shorter it doesn't help. The last time he had most of it shorn off, Koki told him he looked like a tomboy. Sometimes it's as if the only visual proof he has of his masculinity is dropping his trousers and he can hardly do that in public. He's grateful for his height and the size of his hands; those, at least, are less common for girls. He's got his mother's face - his younger brother looks both older and more masculine than him, which will be great when he's about sixty but isn't particularly helpful for a guy in his twenties.
He shouldn't think about this kind of thing over lunch. Bitter laughter has him choking on a piece of beef when he wonders if anyone would consider casting him as a femme fatale.
-----
The final scene they film isn't actually the final scene in the series, which takes place in the clubroom. They've already done the clubroom scenes, including the one where they all sit and weep around the table. Jin doesn't have to fake those tears. It's dark, they all look broken and bruised, and he feels like someone's just told him he'll never be able to dance again. He's got no problem letting Miroku's emotions run away with him.
The last scene they shoot for the series is much lighter, a celebration of Yuukan Club's victory, and like that, months of hard work have come to an end. As the leading man, it's Jin's duty to hand out the flowers to the rest of the cast - including Junno, who very nearly misses out on the hug Jin pretends he's not going to give him.
Yoko gets a hug too. Jin stretches up on his toes and wraps his arms around Yoko's neck like a little brother clinging to his big brother. It's been kind of like that on the set, with all the teasing and playing around Jin's come to expect - an odd sort of family unit, but stable, at least.
Jin doesn't know what will be next for him. KAT-TUN's new single will be for Kame's drama, of course, and there's bound to be a tour in the summer, but that leaves him with a lot of blank spaces to fill. He hopes none of them involve dressing like a girl, though that's hard to guarantee, given what he does for a living. He thinks if he keeps looking straight ahead, maybe he'll only see the things he wants to see. Then he won't have to look back, won't have to watch himself crumble to pieces on the inside.
It's not as if he's suddenly realised he's gay. He could deal with that, classify it, put a name to it. He can't put a name to this. He likes girls as much as ever...but now he's started thinking more about how he likes them, and there's something...not quite right, there. Not quite normal, as far as he can gather. He likes straightforward people who know what they want and how to get it - in all areas of his life, not just in relationships - and the couple of times he's been with girls who've turned out to be completely passive in bed, things haven't gone well.
Haven't gone at all, really. He's fumbled his way through without enjoying himself, hoping that somewhere along the line things will click into place and he'll wake up in the morning knowing he had an amazing night. It's been a while since he had one of those. It doesn't do much for his self-esteem - or his libido - to be told he's not trying hard enough, that he's too hesitant, that he's too clingy. Some girls like that he enjoys a good cuddle. Others tell him to move over, they can't breathe.
Trying to find a happy medium isn't working out for Jin. He relies on the old waist injury excuse, says it's kind of sore from work and he doesn't want to aggravate it by moving around too much. Most of the time that gets him sympathy. Sometimes it's even real. He's more comfortable waiting to see what his partner likes, reactive rather than proactive, which he likes to think is a considerate approach.
Apparently it's possible to be too considerate. (Though not according to his mother.) It's a pity, because Jin enjoys sex - or used to, until he stopped to think about it and it became weird - and he likes to feel loved. The prospect of taking up celibacy holds no appeal for him whatsoever. Unfortunately, the way things are going for him at the moment, it's looking like his only option. Every relationship he's had over the past couple of years has fizzled out and he's starting to wonder if this is why.
The first time he puts on lipstick at home - not for work, just for him - he realises there's probably more to it than that.
He's spent enough time in make-up to know what works for him, and he's got a kit for when he has to do his own, but it's different today. Today he doesn't have to go anywhere, doesn't have to let anyone see his face. He's not going in front of a camera. He's not making himself pretty for an audience.
Jin's home alone, but that doesn't stop him locking the bathroom door. Feels right to keep it a secret. He's doing something he's not supposed to, it's only sensible to keep it hidden. He half expects to see other people in the mirror, unseen witnesses who disappear when he turns around, but the only strange face in the mirror is his own.
It's winter-pale but clean, smooth save the mole by his eye. He's not bothering with foundation. He's almost out and now's not the time to be replenishing his stash, not when there's a risk that he could come home with half a cosmetic stand.
This isn't about completing the look, anyway. This is about one single act.
Jin sets the bag down next to the sink and fishes blindly inside for the tube he knows will be there. The label's long since peeled off; he has no idea what brand it is, or even what colour, but that's not important either. He could be staining his lips white and it would make no difference, except that he'd be even more embarrassed at being caught.
Caught. Like he's doing something criminal. Maybe the entire agency should be locked up.
He pops the lid, fumbles with it till it clatters into the sink. A few twists and the lipstick slides out, a pinkish brown only a few shades away from his current hair colour. It probably won't suit him anyway. Doesn't matter.
Deep breath. It's not like he doesn't do this all the time, doesn't have it done to him by make-up artists. It's nothing new.
He holds it to his mouth, barely touching his lower lip. He could probably do this blindfolded. Maybe blindfolded would be better.
Colour sweeps in a curve before he can change his mind, his hand moving automatically in familiar patterns. He blots with a tissue; a little comes off but the bulk remains, proof of what he's done.
There's still a strange face in the mirror. Jin sets the lipstick aside and traces the curves of his lips with his fingers. They're still his lips, but now they're someone else's too, and Jin's been trying to avoid that person for over a year. Just looking makes him feel a little queasy, but also a little excited, which makes the queasiness worse.
There's fear too. Fear of being discovered, fear of not knowing what he's so afraid of being discovered. He doesn't even know where to start. There's no one he can talk to about this. The people he trusts can't help him, and the people who might be able to help him...he has no idea who they are. There's always the internet, of course, but Jin suspects he's not going to find much of help in Japanese. For all its eccentricity, Japan is essentially conservative. Perhaps if his English were better...
No. Even if he could read English perfectly, he'd be lost without a starting point. Looking up 'men who like to wear lipstick' would no doubt return some interesting results, but the lipstick scarcely matters and 'like' isn't exactly the term he'd use. There's an overall picture and he's just starting to make out the lines. He's not ready to add colour yet.
He doesn't need the lipstick to feel the way he feels, he understands that now, but maybe...maybe if he can keep those feelings, bottle them somehow, he can let them out when he chooses. Like this. He can't ignore them anymore.