[JE] [TJ9] One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 2/2
Title: One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 2/2
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: R
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 18,000
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Warnings: Consent issues, blindfold, roleplay
Summary: Jin and Kame try to spend some quality time together for the first time since Christmas, but Kame's drama causes them more than just scheduling problems.
Part 1
One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 2/2
Valentine's Day is still a good few weeks away. Kame can't think about it now; he's got too much else on his mind. Filming Split is starting to take its toll.
Kage leaves his signature wherever he strikes: a black cloth with 'KAGE' hand-stitched in the corner in white. A blindfold, for the darkness in which he keeps them all. His counterpart, Nishikawa Hikaru, is the light to his shadow; as yet, he sees nothing. A blindfold conceals but this one is meant to illuminate - a clue left for Nishikawa, to guide him to the truth.
When Satou is unlucky enough to catch a glimpse of Kage's face, the scene transitions to the two men standing together against a white wall, Kame behind Hoshino - Satou's actor - with his hands untying the knotted blindfold covering Hoshino's eyes. When the cloth falls free, it's Kage who whirls it before Satou, freezing him with a ruthless smile and a glimpse of white letters on black. Time stands still, the last moment of Satou's life immortalised in monochrome.
The next second, Satou's on the ground outside with a knife in his chest and Kage has vanished. Nishikawa has no idea how he got there, or why one of Kage's blindfolds is lying on the floor, but he knows a trail of blood when he sees one and he follows it to find one of his important colleagues bleeding to death outside the shrine. Satou has last words; they're about Kage, Nishikawa can feel it.
His shadow self's name is the last word to pass Satou's lips before he takes his final breath. An angry, selfish voice inside Nishikawa's head, one that sounds both like himself and like a stranger, snaps that he could at least have said something more useful. He already knows Kage was behind Satou's death.
Shocked by his own unexpected callousness, Nishikawa staggers to his feet, still clutching the blindfold, now bloody from his attempt to stem the bleeding.
No, not unexpected. Not entirely. He's heard that little voice before, sneaking in with unsolicited advice, sounding more like Tamai than himself. Maybe she's starting to rub off on him, give him an edge. She'd like that, he thinks.
Kame thinks so too, but he knows better. This isn't the only blindfold scene he has to do. The next one to be removed is Tamai's, which involves him standing behind Meisa and trying to look more badass than she is. It takes them a while to find a suitable angle to film it from. It's too early for this scene but they're filming it now while they have the background; it's symbolic, anyway. Kame doesn't know yet how Tamai finds out, but it won't be long now.
The final blindfold to be removed is Nishikawa's. They have to focus in on Kame's face and hands, and then his other face, make it look like he's standing behind himself. Kage has a special blindfold for Nishikawa. This one has a double layer of cloth, black on the one side and white on the other. The black side has the same neat white text: KAGE. The white side has black text: HIKARU.
Nishikawa Hikaru is the light to Kage's shadow, but by the time the blindfold comes off, some of that shadow has infiltrated Nishikawa's brain - and maybe it works both ways. Kame's looking forward to finding out how the series ends. No one's willing to tell him.
It's the last scene they shoot for the day and when Kame goes to change from Nishikawa's smart suit and shiny shoes, he realises he's still carrying the special blindfold, wrapped around his wrist for safekeeping. He can return it tomorrow. Tonight, it's still his. It looks like a black and white bandage on his arm; could be covering any number of sins. Kage must have plenty of them. Nishikawa's still working on it.
And Kame? He's got them both, now. He doesn't usually have this much trouble disassociating from his drama characters. When he's off the set that's it, back to being Kamenashi Kazuya, no heroes or villains here. This time it's a little different. He's thinking all the time, trying to strike a balance between the roles, to find the place where Nishikawa ends and Kage begins. It's a full-time job all on its own and it leaves him lying awake at night, waiting for that little voice to sidle up to his mind and whisper its secrets directly into his brain.
He drives home with the thin strip of fabric unwinding itself from his wrist, dangling down past the steering wheel. Kage wouldn't carry it like this, would he? He doesn't like loose ends. He'd fold it up neatly, tuck it away in a pocket, and make sure never to leave it anywhere Nishikawa could find. Not until the time is right, anyway. When the young police officer realises the shadow he's been pursuing is none other than himself, will he crumble, Kame wonders? Will he do the honourable thing and jump off a bridge? Turn himself in, only to lose first his mind and then his life in prison?
It's an interesting dilemma. Kame's not sure what he would do in his character's place. He leaves the blindfold on the bathroom counter while he showers; Jin's coming over soon and there's not enough time to relax in the tub with his thoughts. When he dresses he might as well be on the set again, stealing from Kage's wardrobe of solid black; the white of the blindfold around his wrist is the only bright spot.
What would Kage make of Jin? Nishikawa would like his smile; the childlike innocence he's managed to retain despite everything he's seen and done. Kage would like his beauty, a work of art to be stolen and hidden away, not to be sullied by the stares of unworthy eyes. Oh yes, Kame can feel it now. He rubs the dangling tail of the blindfold between his fingers. Kage would preserve Jin's beauty forever, keep it safe beneath his own hands. And Jin would never see it, because Kage would speak to him in Nishikawa's voice, and-
Kame shakes his head, trying to snap himself out of it before he goes too deep. Nishikawa doesn't have a voice. Kage doesn't have hands. Kame has it all.
He just has to figure out what to do with it.
Jin's not here for dinner. He's already eaten, which is good because Kame doesn't think he could settle down to eat, not with the way he's feeling right now. This is almost as bad as pre-concert tension. He's not supposed to be so wound up. Food can wait till later; he's no stranger to eating at weird hours.
"You're dressed like a cat burglar," Jin says when Kame opens the front door. "I thought we were going to work on your lyrics, not go on a crime spree."
Lyrics? Oh. That's right. Kame's writing a song for his niece, something simple but sweet, and Jin, with his talent for communicating with children, is the perfect person to lend a hand.
Only...not tonight. Kame doesn't want to think about his niece, doesn't want to taint her image with the thoughts currently running through his mind. She's got nothing to do with the shadows and he wants to keep it that way.
Jin's got nothing to do with the shadows either but he's there. There, in his long white tunic, diamond patterns on his jeans and silver earrings glinting through spirals of soft black hair. He's there, he's beautiful, and Kage wants him.
Kame wants him. He shakes his head again. This is a bad idea. He should just tell Jin tonight's no good, that he should go home right now and they can do this another time. A time when he doesn't have static beneath his skin, crackling through his body as it builds to explosive levels.
"We are going on a crime spree?" Jin says, deliberately misinterpreting the headshake. "Should I call Pi to be our getaway driver?"
"No, we're..." Kame takes a deep breath. Jin's hung up his coat already and he's still standing there, waiting for Kame to step aside and let him pass. That's not going to happen. Kame places one hand either side of Jin's shoulders, wedging him against the wall, intending to tell him tonight's off.
Clearly, that's not going to happen, either.
"Kame?" Jin sounds confused. "Is everything okay? You look kind of out of it. Did something happen at work?"
"You should go home," Kame blurts out. Jin has to leave. "We'll do this another time, all right?"
"I passed on a night out with the guys to help you with your song. You're not getting rid of me that easily."
"And you're not listening to me." Kame takes his right hand from the wall, uses it to cup Jin's chin. Jin's wearing lipstick, just a little, enough that one good kiss could probably steal it away. Kage's a thief; he knows what he's doing. Kame tilts his head up enough to try, working on Jin's lips with all the delicacy of a safecracker. The safe door opens for him, allowing him access to the treasures inside.
Jin's not fighting him. Kame's got a million thoughts passing through his brain right now - his jaw's so perfectly sculpted he belongs in a museum, his hair feels so good between my fingers, why does he have to be so goddamned pretty? - and he's got Jin pressed so close to the wall Jin's got to be able to feel how much this is turning him on.
Kame's shorter by a few inches but he feels ten feet tall, like he's stalking through a museum in the middle of the night with a switchblade in his pocket and darkness at his back. He's invincible, unstoppable. Kage takes what he wants, and Nishikawa takes care of his own. Jin is both.
"You should've said you had alternative plans," Jin breathes when Kame lets him up for air. "I can be flexible."
They attended the same dance practices for years; Kame knows very well just how flexible Jin can be. But that's not what he means and the teasing response dies on Kame's tongue before he can even form the words. He's getting something here, something he can use, but to have a hope of understanding it he has to let someone else do the talking.
"If you like my plans, then stay," Kage says, sounding a lot more casual than Kame feels. "If not, then go. I won't stop you."
"You kiss me like that and ask me if I want to leave?" Jin places a hand on Kame's hip, curling his fingers just enough to suggest that leaving is the farthest thing from his mind. "Of course I'm staying."
"Then..." Kame steps back, extending his hand towards the bedroom. "Shall we?"
He's rushing them, not even pretending Jin's staying for anything else because Kage's not in the mood to be patient. He's a marvel of self-restraint the rest of the time, not seizing control of the body he shares with Nishikawa more than he has to in order to do what he must. Well, except those couple of times when he just needed to be himself. It's hard to give it back, sometimes, when you can feel everything with your own body, not filtered through someone else's senses.
Kame remembers that. Episode five, Nishikawa's first day off in a while - and also his first daylight blackout, while Kage canvassed a museum and took himself out for iced coffee. The thief had gained a taste for it. Kame can understand that, being a pretty physical guy himself. There are things Kage wants that he can never have, and tonight, Kame's going to find out what they are.
He stands beside the bed when Jin sits on the end of it, looking up at him expectantly with wide, curious eyes.
"Are you-" Jin begins, and then Kage cuts him off with a hand flat on his chest, pushing him down till his back hits the mattress. It's not a hard shove, because Kage's more refined than rough, but it's a steady pressure and Jin goes with it.
The blindfold's still dangling when Kame withdraws his hand, surprised at himself. Slowly, he unwraps his wrist and holds out the length of cloth so Jin can see it for what it is.
And Jin knows, no doubt about that, though he tries to suppress his gasp.
"I need you to forget whose body this is," Kage says, so hard and intense it's almost a command. "You'll see me better with this on." He holds out the blindfold with the 'KAGE' side facing Jin.
"I won't see anything with that on," Jin protests. "And you're not crazy enough to think otherwise, so...oh." He sits up, blindfold brushing his shoulder. "Kage. That's one of your characters in the drama, right? This is work."
Kage's cold smile morphs into Kame's warm concern. "It's...it's work, but..."
"I don't mind helping you learn lines, Kame, but is there really a scene like this in the script? In an NTV drama? I don't buy that."
"I need to work a few things out," Kame says. "In my head. I need to know how these characters think, how this series is going to end. Please."
"How the hell is blindfolding me supposed to help with that!"
"I don't want you to see me as myself. I need to be...I need to be someone else."
Jin licks his lips; Kame can tell this is weird for him. It's not Kame's normal preference, it's certainly not Nishikawa's and he hasn't even figured out what Kage likes, yet, but it matters to him that Jin's not going to start looking at him like he's a serial killer. Kame's no relationship expert, but even he knows that can't possibly be good.
"I like to see you," Jin says. "I like to know that it's you."
"We're the only people here - who else is it going to be?" It comes out in Kage's voice, cutting and impatient.
"I know, but..."
Nishikawa, the good cop, comes out to play without Kame even thinking about it. "You'll have your hands free," he assures Jin. "If the blindfold makes you uncomfortable, you can simply remove it." It's like he's trying to convince an informant to talk by offering him protection. In the back of Kame's mind, Kage's voice adds an afterthought: "You can remove it - but it would be better for you if you didn't."
Kame doesn't think he's capable of doing anything to hurt Jin. He hopes Kage won't prove him wrong. He's never gone to such lengths to get into character before.
"Please," he says again, and Jin swallows once and nods.
"Wh-what do you want me to do?"
-----
This drama role was supposed to be good for Kame, give him a chance to show off his acting chops. He's not supposed to be showing them off in the bedroom. Jin can't imagine what kind of acting technique this is, or maybe Kame's got a secret kinky side he never bothered to mention, but it's definitely not what he came over for.
He wishes he'd seen more of the drama. It would be helpful right now to know more about who he's with, what he can expect. Kage, that's got to be the cold one, with a shark's eyes and tight, sharp motions as he efficiently rids Jin of his tunic. Nishikawa's the good guy, the one who asks, ever the courteous professional, if Jin's warm enough or if he needs the heating turned up. Kame uses his TV voice for Nishikawa, the one he uses to charm talk show hosts and middle-aged women; Kage's voice is deeper, that's Kame's voice when he's annoyed but has to keep his temper.
Jin's wearing only his jeans when he scoots backwards on the bed so he's sitting up against the headboard; Kame straddles him, blindfold in hand and an odd, almost rapturous expression on his face. Jin's not sure which one of them settles the fabric over his eyes and knots it behind his head, but it's definitely Kame who kisses his cheek afterwards and strokes reassurance into his hair before moving away.
He hates it immediately. Jin likes being able to see all around him (even if it's through sunglasses, but those are for keeping his distance anyway) and having his vision suddenly stolen sends shivers down his spine like nothing else, especially when he can hear Kame breathing. Logically, he knows that it's only the two of them. His head understands that.
The rest of him, unfortunately, has too many memories of being pawed at concerts by overzealous fangirls (and the occasional train pervert). Nothing good has ever come from being unable to see the people around him. It's Kame, but at the same time it's not Kame at all and that makes Jin nervous. He tells himself all he has to do is reach up and pull the stupid blindfold over his head and it'll be fine, the darkness will lift, but he's not so naive as to think the shadow will fall from Kame. He could walk out, but he'd be leaving Kame to his weird, mystical inner journey or whatever the hell he's doing, and that's probably not a good idea either. If Kame's getting this into the part, there's no telling how far he'll take it. Best not to leave him to his own devices.
-----
Jin's holding himself rigid against the headboard, jaws clamped together, shoulders stiff enough to break under Kage's touch. He's not been forbidden to speak but Kame, the only one of them who knows Jin at all, knows he can't spare concentration to talk right now anyway. He's too busy acclimatising himself to the loss of vision, working on staying calm.
Kage deliberately interrupts him. Jin's mouth finally opens in shock when he's dragged down the bed by his beltloops; the momentum has him hitting his head on the - mercifully padded - headboard before he slides down to the pillows. He rubs the back of his head, groaning. When his hand touches the blindfold's knot, Kage snatches it away.
"Sorry," Nishikawa says. That's all he manages to get out before Kage's thoughts overwhelm him. The contrast between the two is interesting, Kame thinks. Nishikawa likes his partner, the masculine but undeniably female Tamai Sachiko. He's not interested in men, sees Jin as just another innocent soul involved in this case, someone who needs to be protected. The Nishikawa Kame's feeling at the moment doesn't feel anything when he sees Jin lying on the bed, except a little sympathy. He's not doing this for himself.
But Kage is, Kame's sure. Kage's staring down at Jin's pale chest, where his last dose of California sunshine has long since faded and his large, dark nipples stand out a mile. Kame doesn't know if it's his own bias showing through or not, but Kage finds Jin extremely attractive and would like to do something about it. He doesn't care if Nishikawa's interested or not.
Kame's touched Jin a million times but never like this, not even when the lights were off. There's a difference between open eyes in a dark room, and no sight at all, and no modern room is ever truly dark.
It's Kage who tugs Jin's jeans down over his hips, taking his underwear with and leaving them unbalanced: one stark naked; the other fully dressed. Then he lifts off from the bed altogether and Jin turns his head, searching for him without success.
"Kame?"
"Still here," Kame says. He'd like very much to be touching Jin, but something inside him - Kage, it feels like - wants to wait, to watch and admire for a moment. "Just relax."
-----
Relax? Jin's never felt so exposed in his life, and that includes the time he did a nude photoshoot. It's one thing to be able to see the model, to see the photographer, and to know that there's a point to the whole ridiculous ordeal. He's not sure what the point is here. Kame could be over in the corner doing world's quietest striptease, or he could be doing his taxes - there's no way to tell.
He stops straining to see. The blindfold's too thick for that. Instead he concentrates on his hearing, listening out for even the slightest sound that will clue him in. At first all he can focus on is his own ragged breathing. The more agitated he gets, the harder it becomes to ignore, and he clenches his fists tightly against the sheets, nails digging into his palms.
"Jin?"
He jerks when Kame's voice comes from his left, much closer than previously. "It's...it's fine. Just feels kinda weird."
Like he's being served up for dinner, but he's not about to say that to a guy who hasn't eaten all evening.
-----
Kage takes Jin's assurance at face value because he doesn't know any better. Kame notes the clenched fists, watches the rapid rise and fall of Jin's chest and tries to remember where he keeps the paper bags. Kage's watching too, but he's more interested in the lines of Jin's body. It's like he's planning a heist, Kame realises. He examines every inch of the target, studies it, maps it out in his mind so he knows exactly how to touch it, how to move it, how to store it. It's not usually sentient, though.
Finally, Kage strips out of his own clothes, dropping them to the floor without a second thought. He knows Jin can hear him. He sits on the side of the bed, close enough for Jin to rock when the mattress dips.
Jin's not even close to being aroused and that's not much of a surprise. Kame worries he'll be hated for this, but the longer he sits there, the more Jin's breathing evens out.
"Are you just going to sit there all night?" Jin says.
It's odd to be receiving prompts from someone who can't even see him but it makes Kame feel a little better.
-----
Talking reminds Jin that he still can, that he doesn't have to remain silent and motionless. The only restraint he's got is on his eyes, and while it's not how he'd choose to spend his evening, it's better than being tied up. He hopes Kame never plays a character who's into bondage.
It's taking too long. It's easier to breathe now that Kame's back on the bed again, not touching him yet but there, where Jin can find him if he stretches out his hand.
And then Kame does touch him and it's like a live wire on his skin. It's not even somewhere intimate. Kame's fingers brush his upper arm and Jin shudders, the sensation travelling all the way down to his toes. The next touch is on his stomach, circling his belly button, and he can't help but whimper.
-----
Nishikawa's first impulse is to ask Jin if he's okay. Kage's is to touch him again. Kame, who has no doubt that Jin would make it very plain if he objected, lets Kage's desires control his fingers, sweeping them down the length of Jin's body and watching a soft flush rise along his skin. It's pretty, like everything else about him. Another mental image to file away, a slow-motion video with a muted moan soundtrack.
Kage doesn't know what's in the nightstand drawer but Kame does, and he takes out a small bottle before settling down between Jin's legs. There's other stuff in there too, but Kame thinks he knows where this is going and doesn't believe it'll be required. The fact that Kage doesn't appear to be doing anything for himself either is giving him one of the puzzle pieces he's missing; he just has to figure out where it fits.
There's a slight stirring in Jin's lap now; nothing full-on yet, but enough to reassure Kame that he's getting something from this, at least. Jin's interest wanes, however, when Kage shuffles forward on his knees and pulls him up so only his torso remains on the mattress, legs spread wide around Kame's hips. This isn't something they've done before; Kame hopes he's not crossing a line somewhere. Surely Jin would let him know?
Kage crosses lines on a regular basis, though not usually like this, but he's the one who drives Kame forwards to place an unexpectedly gentle kiss on Jin's lips. That's not for Kage: that's for Jin - an act of tender generosity, a gift from one who usually takes. Kage's motivations are starting to make sense to Kame now, but who's he doing it all for? The answer's almost within reach.
Jin's warm to the touch, skin flushing further still when Kage takes him in hand, arousing him with steady, rhythmic strokes. It's mechanical but not rough; once again, the thief memorises the lay of the land with hands and lips, notes the reactions he gets and uses them to amend his tactics. Kame's already done some of the groundwork for him. He knows what works for Jin, where he likes teeth and where he likes tongue. It helps unravel the knot in his stomach to see Jin relaxing into it, breathing uneven again but for much better reasons. They can do this. It's okay.
What's not so okay is the way Jin flinches at the snap of the bottle cap.
"This is going to feel uncomfortable for a bit," Nishikawa says, clinical as a doctor. "Try to relax." He's got no interest in the proceedings whatsoever, which is why he's completely ignoring the fact that Kame's hard too. Kage doesn't seem to care, either; Kame, if left to his own devices, would have ideas about where this is going, but it doesn't look like he's going to have the opportunity to act on them. He hadn't planned on it going like this, anyway. Not with blindfolds. If Jin says anything...
"Great advice." Jin's breath hitches when Kage circles his entrance with one cold, slick finger. "Put yourself in my place and then try to relax."
"I never wear the blindfold," Kage says. "He does."
-----
That's the creepiest thing Kame's done all evening, Jin thinks. He can get past the blindfold, if he keeps reminding himself that there's only physically two of them in the room. He can get past the random, electric touches that turn his knees to jelly, so long as he manages to keep himself grounded. Getting swept away by sensation would be a really bad idea. Dangerous, maybe, because someone ought to be in his right mind and it's obviously not going to be Kame. Not when he's talking like that.
That's what Jin's having trouble getting past. Kame takes his work very seriously, practically kills himself mastering new stunts for performances and pretends his own needs are less important than those of the audience. Jin can't live like that. He's got no problem putting himself on the line if he believes in what he's doing, but he won't let work drive him crazy again. There are more important things in life. Family, friends, love. Laughter that's neither bitter nor demented.
Kame needs to get a grip and realise he doesn't need to do this to act in some stupid TV drama. The audience won't appreciate the lengths he's going to. No one's going to care if he loses his mind in the process, except the people who know and love him off the camera. He could play the part in his sleep and the result would be exactly the same.
On the other hand, Kame's drive and dedication are two of the things Jin loves about him. It's just a good thing he wasn't cast as an axe murderer.
Jin squirms as Kame's finger slips inside him. The sensation is both unfamiliar and unwelcome, but he bites his lip and bears with it because Kame's clearly doing his best to be gentle, probing him slowly with one hand while the other strokes his flagging erection back to life. He's not sure how far Kame intends to take this - not sure how far he wants Kame to take this. It's not quite how he'd pictured them doing this for the first time, with himself blindfolded and Kame roleplaying characters from both sides of the law.
-----
Kame lets Kage do all the work, stretching Jin at a slow, relaxed pace, adding another finger when it seems like he's ready to take more. It takes a while; he's tight, and what keeps Kame going is the knowledge that Jin is basically a wimp when it comes to pain and needs no encouragement to complain if he feels it's warranted. Jin keeps shifting in his lap but doesn't say a word, shuddering when he brushes up against Kame. Kame can feel Kage's smile spreading across his face, neither amused nor cruel, merely tender. That's not a surprise, either. Not anymore. Jin's still beautiful, even under the overhead light with a band of cloth tied across his eyes and a thin sheen of sweat covering his skin.
Kage loves beauty. Nishikawa's not aggressive enough to pursue it, but he wishes he could. He'd like to be like Tamai, marching right in there and taking what she wants, speaking her mind to all and sundry and to hell with the consequences. He can't be like that. He lives to please his superiors, to make a name for himself as a respectable, upstanding man with a reputation for decency and cooperation. If he goes after what he wants, he could lose it all.
Kage understands that...and now, so does Kame.
Jin chokes on a moan when Kage's fingers find his prostate. A good thief can find anything he likes, and this one wants to find the spot that will make Jin feel good, feel like the weirdness and discomfort is worth it. Kame needs this to be worth it for Jin.
"Okay?" he asks. All he gets in response is an incoherent whine, which suggests a repeat would be welcome.
Nishikawa sits this one out. He's content that his involvement isn't required, that no one needs saving from Kage. He doesn't even understand why Kage's doing this, though Kame thinks he will by the final episode.
It's all for his sake.
Kage touches Jin with reverence now, working him with both hands, inside and out, until he slumps back against the mattress on the crest of a wave. He's a sweaty, sticky mess, shuddering through his orgasm while Kame holds him. There's only Kamenashi Kazuya left. The others don't need to be here anymore.
"I'm...I'm taking off the blindfold now, okay?" Jin says, wavering a bit, after a couple of minutes where the only sounds are Kame wiping his hands on a tissue and laboured breathing from both of them.
"Okay," Kame says in a small voice. He's half-afraid to hear what Jin has to say now, what Jin will think of him for this.
Jin can't keep his hands steady enough to untie the knot so he pulls the blindfold over his head, dropping it over the edge of the bed even as he draws his legs back and rolls away from Kame. "Are we done?"
Kame's not hard anymore; even if he was, he wouldn't expect Jin to do anything about it, especially not now. "Yeah," he says, throat feeling so clogged he's surprised not to be choking on his words. "We're done."
"Good."
Jin swivels around, lowers his feet to the floor. Kame reaches for him, wanting the simple comfort of a hug as much for his own sake as for Jin's, but Jin jerks his arm away and says, "Don't touch me. Not right now."
"I'm sorry," Kame says automatically. It doesn't make any difference. He watches Jin walk to the bathroom, a little heavy, a little awkward, and thinks that's it, he's pushed things too far. The door slams but there's no corresponding click of the lock. That's something, at least, though he doubts Jin means it as an invitation.
His legs have gone to sleep from kneeling for so long. He stretches out on the bed, picking up the blindfold first because there's no way he can leave it on the floor. It's a prop, after all. He tucks it behind the tissue box so Jin won't see it when he emerges from the bathroom. Damp from sweat, it'll need washing before it goes back to the set.
The sound of running water isn't from the shower but from the bath. Jin will be a while, then. Kame's been where Jin is, and he preferred a good soak then, too.
He drags himself off the mattress when the feeling returns to his legs. The water's still running when he reaches the bathroom door. "Help yourself to anything!" he calls through it. "There's some muscle soak in the cupboard over the sink-"
The door opens, all of four inches. "Which one are you?" Jin demands to know. Though little of his face is visible, it's enough for Kame to see his colour's worse than it's been since his hiatus press conference, all those years ago.
Which one? It takes a second for Kame's guilt-frozen brain to catch up. "Kazuya."
"Then, Kazuya, how about you let me take my bath in peace?"
Kame's heart feels as brittle as Jin's voice sounds. He nods dumbly and watches the door close again. He could do with another shower but while the door's still not locked, he doesn't think walking in on Jin would be a smart move. He settles for snagging a bathrobe from the closet, tying the belt tight around his waist. Jin's clothes are still on the floor; Kame thinks that's no good, he should do something about that. He gathers everything up, folding it into a neat pile which he leaves next to the door, where Jin can't possibly miss it.
Coffee. Maybe Jin wants some coffee. Or water. Hell, he could probably do with a beer. Kame wouldn't mind crawling inside a wine bottle himself right now. He's got the answers he wanted - but at what price?
By the time Jin emerges from the bathroom with a bath towel wrapped around his hips, Kame's on his second glass of water - best he gives alcohol a miss - and wishing his intestines would stop tying themselves in knots. He's not looking forward to this. Jin sees the pile of clothing, nods, and withdraws into the bathroom to finish dressing. Kame's reprieve lasts all of a couple of minutes.
"Can I...can I get you something to drink?" he says the second Jin reappears. "Beer, or water, or-"
"Water would be fine."
It hurts when Jin cuts him off mid-sentence; worse still is the wariness in his eyes. That's not supposed to be there. Kame did that.
Jin follows him to the kitchen. He crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the counter while Kame gets him a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge. He won't take it from Kame's hands; Kame has to set it down on the side first.
"Is there anything else I can get you?" Kame tries. "Did I...are you...um..."
Jin won't look at him. "I'm fine, thank you."
"If you were fine, you'd be talking to me instead of my kitchen floor," Kame says. "I'm...I'm sorry, Jin. I'm so sorry. I didn't expect things to turn out like this."
"That makes two of us. Or four of us, or however many people were here tonight."
Kame's starting to wish he'd never even auditioned for the drama. "Two of us, in all the ways that counted."
"So the blindfold thing, that was all you?"
"That wasn't..." Kame pushes back a clump of sweat-soaked hair with one hand. He really needs a shower. "I had to. I don't...I don't know how to explain it to you, but I'm sorry to put you through that. I didn't want to rush into things. I pushed you too far, too fast, and now you're mad at me and-"
Jin sets the water bottle down with a thump on the counter. "I'm not angry about what we did; I'm angry because I don't know who I was doing it with. Who was that, Kame? You or one of your drama characters? I think I've got a right to know who's got his goddamned fingers inside me!"
That's not what Kame expected to hear. "So it was...okay?"
"No, it's not okay! You don't have to be an actor in the bedroom too, you know. Nobody's paying you to have sex with me."
There's a million fangirls who'd be willing to put up the money, Kame's sure. "I mean, touching you like that was okay?"
Jin sighs and turns away, though not before Kame can see the furtive blush creeping up his cheeks. "That was...nice. After a while, anyway. But it would've been a hell of a lot better with just you, me, and no blindfolds."
Kame sinks slowly to the tiled floor, which is awkward when his bathrobe catches on a cupboard handle, but he needs to sit down. It's been a draining evening. Across the kitchen Jin does the same, wincing at the movement and sending Kame's guilt into overdrive.
"Sorry."
"Would you stop apologising?"
"I hurt you."
Jin grimaces. "And I could've walked away. I've done more damage to myself practising dance moves, Kame. I'll be fine."
Kame knows he's telling the truth: especially during the early days of KAT-TUN's career, their lack of coordination when dancing had led to numerous knocks of heads, knees and elbows. Hell, Jin's been through motorcycle accidents. This barely qualifies as an irritation. Logic doesn't do much to help, though, even if he's apologising for the wrong thing.
"Did you at least get what you wanted?" Jin asks, and Kame knows he's not talking about the sex.
"Yeah. I found the answers I was looking for."
"Good." Jin reaches up for his water bottle and takes another few gulps. "I'm sure your director will appreciate your dedication to duty."
The sarcasm's not unexpected. Kame replies honestly. "I doubt anyone will, but I...I needed to do this. For myself. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Jin rises and deposits the bottle back on the counter before Kame can elaborate. He's heading for the door, has one arm through the sleeve of his coat when Kame catches up to him.
"Did you drive?" he asks, and then realises it's a stupid question. Jin was wearing lipstick when he arrived, though his face is bare now, and that means it's less likely he used public transport.
"Yeah." So he doesn't need a lift home, doesn't need Kame to escort him back and make sure they're still speaking to each other by the time he gets to his place.
"Take it easy." Kame starts to reach for Jin, stopping himself before he can unclench his fingers. It's better that he doesn't.
"Yeah," Jin says again. The later it gets, the fewer words he's got to spare. Kame wishes he had the same problem. He's got a million words he'd like to say to Jin, mostly variations on a theme, and Jin's likely not in the mood to hear any of them at the moment.
"I'll call you tomorrow?" It's not so much a promise as a question: is it okay to call Jin tomorrow? Does Jin even want to speak to him?
"I'm busy tomorrow." No mixed signals there.
"Just..." Now Kame's the one at a loss for words.
"I'll mail you."
Jin slips into his boots and out the door without looking back. Kame replays the last thirty seconds in his brain and hopes he didn't imagine a slight softening of Jin's voice. He's desperate enough to clutch at straws.
He showers quickly. The bathroom's still steamed up from Jin's bath, but that's the only sign he was ever there. There's still too much of a knot in Kame's stomach for him to even consider food. It can wait for breakfast. Cooking will help him focus on something other than his phone, and mail alerts that might or might not be from Jin. He washes the blindfold carefully and leaves it to dry while he sleeps.
That's the plan, at least, but sleep's not easy to come by. He's not trying to be anyone else now, doesn't have any thoughts but his own in his head, but there's far too many of them to allow him to rest easily. He wonders how many of them will come out in the script.
He understands, now, why Kage does the things he does, why he pushes the limits of things Nishikawa would never dare to do. Why Kage exists in the first place.
Kage's a distinct personality, but he has his origins in one Nishikawa Hikaru, professional nice guy. The things Nishikawa wants, be they women, power, success - he can't get them, not the way he'd like to. He's missing something, and that something is Kage. Kage gives him that edge. Everything he does, every aspect of his personality, is for Nishikawa's sake. As Kage starts to lose pieces of himself Nishikawa gains them, becoming more like the man he wants to be.
And so in the end, Kame suspects, Kage will be consumed altogether, and only Nishikawa will remain.
Kage cares more than Kame had ever imagined he could, at the start of the series. He loves his other self, wants to protect him. Wants to give him everything he needs. Everything he takes for himself is a gift for someone else, and with no body to call his own, there's a limit to how much he can take. Kame knows now that things couldn't have gone any further with Jin, not with Kage at the helm.
Jin's a gift too - but for Kame, who wants him to be happy. That backfired, all right.
Nishikawa doesn't know he's managed to develop an alter ego to fulfil his desires. Kage's the kind of guy Tamai likes - or would be, if not for his occupation - so to attract Tamai, Nishikawa must become like Kage. It all seems so clear now.
Kame tosses and turns until he realises he should've changed the sheets, gives up, and goes to sleep on the couch for what's left of the night.
Not so far away, Jin's also on the couch, TV turned to some old black-and-white movie. He's not even attempting to sleep. Lying in bed with no distractions means time for his brain to ruminate, and the last thing he wants to do is think about what's just happened. He lied to Kame - he does have things to do tomorrow, but he's not busy the whole day - because he doesn't want to talk about it, either, and Kame will want to talk.
Kame can talk till he's blue in the face and it won't help him understand; Jin's certain of that. He can get behind the idea of roleplaying for fun, but Kame didn't appear to be enjoying himself much - not that Jin was in any position to see. Playing a part for work, that makes sense too.
Playing a part in a situation that has nothing whatsoever to do with work? That's not something Jin can comprehend. He's no good at being anyone other than himself, which has caused him no end of problems in the past, and even when he's acting, he has to find some way to connect himself to the part.
If Kame's somehow feeling connected to either of his drama characters, Jin would rather not know about it, and especially not like that. Kame-as-Kage is just too damned creepy. Jin didn't sign up for a foursome.
He curls up around a pillow, burying himself deeper in a nest of old blankets while four Japanese-dubbed Beatles are having a "hard day's night". He knows the feeling. The plot's not making much sense but it's comforting, from a less complicated time, when even his mother hadn't been born yet.
Uncomplicated is good right now. Uncomplicated means he can mail Kame tomorrow without worrying who will be sending the response.
If only he knew what to say.
--------------
By the time Jin wakes up his television's switched itself off, he's buried deep enough in the blankets he's not even sure he can find his legs anymore, and he doesn't have enough time to make it to the bank before he hits the recording studio, not if he doesn't want to miss his slot. It doesn't surprise him that he's overslept.
It also doesn't surprise him that he's got a couple of mails from Kame, the first of which is an apologetic mess of crying emoji sent at six in the morning, while the second, sent ten minutes later, apologises for the first. That's definitely Kame and not his drama characters. Jin's glad he doesn't have time to respond yet; saves him trying to figure out how. And he hadn't said when he'd mail Kame, anyway.
A fast shower doesn't do much to wake him up, though the hot water does ease his aches a bit. Spending the night on the couch hasn't done him any favours. It's a good thing there's no dancing on his agenda today.
There's no need for him to look good, either, so he jams a purple beanie down over his hair, pulls up the hood of his oversized grey sweatshirt to cover it, and adds a pair of sunglasses for good measure. There, now people can just assume he had too much to drink last night. Having a reputation can be convenient sometimes.
It should've been the truth. He should've gone out with Ryo and the others last night, not agreed to help Kame with his niece's song...but if it's for kids, he can't resist.
Evidently if it's for Kame, he can't resist either. He really needs to learn how to do that. It's a good thing the drama filming will be over in a few weeks. Then Kame can relax a little, stop working himself up into a frenzy about whether or not he's doing justice to his roles.
Kame's drama...no, Jin still doesn't want to think about that. Time to distract himself with work.
His first single for 2012 is actually going to be in Japanese, a warm ballad to stave off the winter cold. Not what he'd had in mind, but one doesn't simply turn down a song from Oda Kazumasa. It makes up, a little, for not being around to record 'Bokura no Machi de', and should do a lot to pacify the fans who keep asking him to sing in Japanese.
It's been a while since he's recorded a song he didn't write, so he's been working hard to learn it.
When they stop for a break, his manager takes him aside and asks if he even bothered to look at the lyrics at all. Jin's got them in front of him and he's still screwing up, stumbling over words he should be able to pronounce, finishing the first verse with the last line of the second, changing his mind halfway through the high notes. When they play him what he's done so far, even the best take sounds awful.
They finally manage to lay down a track that everyone's happy with, though Jin can't see how it sounds any better and barely recalls singing it. His mind isn't where he'd like it to be, which is on his work, so he can stare down all those people who accuse him of not taking it seriously.
Things go from bad to worse when he accidentally joins the wrong queue at the bank and finds himself standing in line with a bunch of excited housewives, all of whom recognise him easily despite the hat, hood and sunglasses. It takes him ten minutes to extricate himself from their clutches, by which time the counter he wants is already closed.
Grocery shopping on his way home isn't much of a success story, either. He forgets to buy detergent and tissues, buys another box of eggs even though he has an unopened one in his fridge, and almost knocks over a chocolate display with his basket. It feels like everyone in the shop is watching him as he leaves, praying for him not to return and block up the aisles by blanking out in the middle of a shopping trip.
When he makes it home he resolves to stay there for the rest of the day. He's not in the mood to deal with other people; normally he craves company but today trying to keep his mind on a conversation makes him want to scream. He's got one he needs to finish before he can start any new ones - and that means talking to Kame.
There's one more mail on his phone. This one's from Yamapi, not Kame, asking if Jin has dinner plans. Jin doesn't, but the message reminds him he hasn't really eaten much all day - nibbling on half a sandwich in the studio doesn't count - and it might be an idea to do something about that. On the other hand, he's not particularly hungry, and he doesn't think meeting up with his best friend will change that. Pi will know there's something bothering him; Jin has no plans to tell him anything. He knows what Kame's like, too - playing the Akira to Kame's Shuuji must've been an eye-opening experience.
Jin regretfully declines. One more mail to write. Uncertain, he goes for the polite, neutral approach.
How's filming today? he asks.
He figures Kame will still be busy for a while, so it surprises him when he gets a response two minutes later.
Not great. I managed to trip over a cable and crash into Nishikawa's desk. I'm lucky I didn't give myself a concussion.
At least Jin's not the only one having a clumsy day. Are you all right?
It only bled a little bit. Good thing my hair's dark enough to hide it at the moment. Typical Kame, never admitting when he's hurt.
You're still on the set? Jin asks.
Sort of, Kame writes back. I'm lying down on a bench in the dressing room, waiting for the painkillers to kick in so I can finish this scene without keeling over.
Jin sighs. One day Kame's going to work himself to death, and no one will be surprised. Go to hospital, he writes. Get yourself checked out.
I've been checked out. I'll be fine. I'm not even dizzy anymore.
It's not so difficult to talk to Kame like this, when Jin can stop to think about everything he writes. No need to fake his concern; no need to think about himself, or the two of them together, because Kame's given him something else to worry about. It's a lot easier than trying to talk to him in person.
Which is why Jin wonders if perhaps he's the one who's taken a blow to the head when he offers to pick Kame up from the set when he's done.
-----
This is worse than the time he backflipped off the stage, Kame thinks. At least then there wasn't any video footage of him lying stunned on the ground. The painkillers aren't doing much to dull the pounding in his head; he's felt worse, but not normally when he's trying to remember lines.
He struggles through another ten minutes until the director commends him for his effort and tells him to go home and rest. Apparently, no one wants a leading actor who looks like he's about to throw up on the rest of the cast.
The head injury doesn't have anything to do with that - Kame's felt sick all day, it's only now that he has a more socially acceptable reason for it than "terrorising one's boyfriend with roleplay".
After giving up on sleep he'd sent Jin an apologetic mail first thing in the morning - then promptly apologised for his apology, because he was supposed to wait for Jin to contact him. Since he hadn't received a response, he'd assumed Jin was either busy or not speaking to him, but with no way to tell he'd spent the day letting it eat away at his insides.
And now Jin's coming to pick him up. This is going to be one awkward ride home.
Kame wraps himself up warm (minus his hat, mindful of the tender patch under his hair) and waits outside with one of the ADs, who appears to have been tasked with ensuring he doesn't fall over on the way. He tries to talk to her for a bit, because she's nice and has done nothing to merit the silent treatment, but all his attempts at conversation fall flat and it's actually a relief when Jin's car comes into sight.
He hurries across the lot before the AD can see exactly who it is that's come to pick him up. The front passenger door is locked when he tries it; he sees Jin mouth an apology through the window and has another go. This time he succeeds and slips carefully inside, not moving too fast. The way his day's going, he'd end up passed out on the concrete.
It's hard to tell in the car's light but Jin's colour looks better than last night, at least, even if he doesn't seem any happier. Kame doesn't expect him to, not after that. Definitely no more roleplay.
He'd tried to channel it, what he'd realised about Kage and Nishikawa - made Kage a little more sympathetic, made Nishikawa a little hungrier. And then he'd tripped over the cable and that had pretty much put an end to his acting for the day. He's himself now, but will Jin believe that?
Jin looks at him quickly, then drops his eyes to the steering wheel. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm not going to be sick in your car," Kame assures him. "I just need to lie down for a while." He slumps back against the headrest and closes his eyes until the light switches itself off. "Thanks for coming to pick me up."
"Sure. Is your car here?"
"Got a lift this morning."
"Good. Well...okay..." Jin hems and haws for a moment. "Are you sure you don't want to go to hospital?"
"I didn't connect that hard - I hit the leg of the desk, not the surface, and I managed to get my hands out in time. The only reason I even bled was the ridiculous curlicue on the side. I've got a headache but it's not that bad, really."
"You'd probably say that about death," Jin grumbles. "'It's not that bad, really!'"
"I'll tell you when it happens. Since it's not about to happen any time soon, no hospital, please. Just home." Between last night and today, Kame's exhausted, and would like nothing more than to collapse in his own bed. Maybe this will be okay. Jin's not saying anything; maybe he's okay too. They can just not talk about it, the way they've skimmed over a lot of other serious subjects.
They drive in silence for a while - no music, which is unusual in Jin's car but Kame's relieved not to have to tune out the pounding bass. It's easy to lose track of time on the road; he lets himself fade out with the motion of the car.
When he fades back in they're parked, and Jin's calling his name so softly it's hard to take it seriously as a wake-up attempt.
"Sorry," Kame says, sounding groggy. "I guess I fell asleep."
"You could do with the sleep, but I couldn't get you out the car without waking you, so..." Jin shrugs. "Will you be all right to go up by yourself?"
Of course Jin won't want to go up with him. The car is safe enough, but things might happen in Kame's apartment. "Yeah." Kame rubs his eyes. "Just give me a second. Thanks for the ride."
Jin nods and kills the engine while he waits for Kame to pull himself together and go. The second turns into a minute. The minute turns into five.
"Um...do you need me to help?"
Jin's halting offer, though most welcome, is unnecessary. Kame can manage the short journey from the car, he thinks, but he wants to see what happens if Jin thinks he can't. He keeps silent; with a nervous lick of his lips, Jin reaches over to tap Kame's arm.
"Kame?"
Kame doesn't want to start off with yet another apology. Jin already knows he's sorry. "It won't happen again," he says.
"Just watch where you're going next time. Everyone has their clumsy days."
"Not the desk." He starts to shake his head, then regrets it when the movement makes the world swim. "I meant...uh...with the characters. Last night," he adds, just in case Jin somehow thinks he's referring to a different bout of madness. "I shouldn't have involved you in that. It was...thoughtless of me."
"And I stayed," Jin says. "What are you apologising for?"
"Why, though?" This is what Kame doesn't understand. "Why did you stay? And don't tell me it was for the sex. I know blindfolds aren't your thing."
"And I know they're not yours, either." Jin unbuckles his seatbelt so he can turn sideways slightly to talk without choking himself. "That's why, Kame. You weren't...you weren't yourself. I couldn't have left you alone like that."
Despite the pain in his head, Kame smiles. "You're not my keeper."
"And you're not mine. I don't need you to baby me. It was my choice to stay - do you get that?"
Sometimes, when Jin hides his giggles behind his hands, or shrieks and runs away from a touch on his collarbone, it's hard for Kame to remember he's an adult too - older than Kame, in fact, and with many of the same experiences under his belt, the ones that make you grow up fast because if you don't, the entertainment industry will eat you alive and come back to snatch your best friend for dessert. Theirs is a business that knows how to keep you looking young while you age on the inside, become smooth and professional - or jaded and empty. Kame's seen it happen, had thought it was happening to Jin for a long while, till Jin's smile had finally come back for good.
Jin's not smiling now, yet Kame thinks he seems happier, less unsettled. It probably helps that Kame hasn't tried to blindfold him in his own car.
"Yeah. I get that. I mean, it's not like I chained you to the bed or anything-"
"Which you will never, ever do."
"-Which I will never do," Kame finishes, completely straight-faced. "Chains are too painful; I'd use silk scarves."
"You!" Jin whacks him in the ribs, then claps a hand to his mouth in horror. "Sorry, sorry. I shouldn't hit an injured man."
"It's only my head," Kame says. "Not that this means you're allowed to hit me anywhere else." They don't have that kind of relationship...but then, they don't have the kind of relationship that involves blindfolds or roleplay either. Kame has yet to figure out what they have, but it's complicated, frustrating, and one of the best things about his life.
"So how is your head, now?" Jin's not talking about the unfortunate encounter with the desk.
"Clear." Not as empty as Kame would like, sometimes, but clear. "You do realise that wasn't me...uh...being like my character, right? I don't have these other personalities inside me."
"You've got so much of your own you wouldn't have room for another one," Jin says. Maybe it's silly for Kame to have to say it outright, but Jin sounds relieved anyway. "Please tell me you've got such a good grasp on these characters now that you'll never even have to think about them off the set again."
Kame grins. "Not many episodes left to film; they're almost out of my mind now." They both know it's a lie, that he'll be thinking about the roles until the cameras finally stop rolling. "I told you to go; I should've made sure you listened."
"Since when have I ever done as I'm told?"
Good point. "Maybe if I ask Takki to tell you..."
"I don't even want to know how that conversation would go!"
"That makes two of us." Kame pauses, then adds, "And it really is two of us. No one else."
Jin scratches his neck, burying his fingers inside the collar of his puffer jacket. "You're scary intense when you get into character, you know that?"
"That's the idea. But I'm sorry I-" Kame takes one look at Jin's face and decides to strike the word 'sorry' from his vocabulary. "I didn't plan to freak you out."
"So I assumed, or you'd be making your way home in a taxi right now and I'd be deleting your number from my phone."
"You never delete anything from your phone except by accident," Kame says. "You just buy new phones and tell everyone to send you their numbers."
"It's a good way to find out who actually wants to be my friend. The people who aren't speaking to me anymore don't bother to keep in contact."
"Would you even notice? You've got so many friends."
"I notice." Jin meets Kame's eyes with a smile. "I'm bad with strangers, so I turn them all into friends as soon as I can."
"Sometimes more," Kame adds.
"Sometimes more."
"So how's that working out for you?"
"Pretty well," Jin says, pretending it's a serious question. "I'm seeing this great guy who's good at almost everything as long as it doesn't involve drawing, and he's going to act everyone else off the screen because he's so into his work, and-"
"And I'm seeing this amazing person who doesn't let others define him, who has a vision he's working hard on sharing with the world, and who I really should learn to appreciate more." It's not often Kame can out-do Jin in the sappy stakes, as he learned after their first viewing of Titanic, but he's trying. "I should learn to trust him more too."
"Yeah, you should. Kame, I know you're no good at telling anyone when you're stressed out, but you can do something about that. Don't kill yourself for work. Your fans will cry."
"My family and friends might not be too thrilled either," Kame says. "They've kind of gotten used to having me around."
"So have I," Jin says. "Even if you can be sort of weird sometimes."
"Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."
When Jin starts laughing, Kame tells him about the rest of his day, how he'd accidentally started saying his lines as Kage rather than Nishikawa because he'd been in such a daze, and ended up spilling Meisa's tea all over the floor. Tripping over the cable had been the last in a long line of misadventures.
Jin returns the favour by regaling him with tales of banks, supermarkets and recording studios, none of them with a happy ending. "And don't start apologising again; I can see it in your eyes."
"I don't feel quite so ridiculous now," Kame says. "Did you really try to pay for your shopping with dollar bills?"
"It wouldn't have been enough, anyway," Jin says sadly. "The exchange rate's horrible."
Jin's no stranger to bad days but Kame knows this one was his fault, which does nothing to ease his guilt. He can't apologise again, though, and settles for saying, "I hope you have a better day tomorrow."
"I hope for that for both of us, or we'll be riding in an ambulance by the end of it." Jin jangles his keys. They've been sitting in the car for a while now. "It wasn't...I mean, I was okay. You didn't do anything that's going to traumatise me for life; I just...had a lot on my mind."
"So we're..." It's a delicate question. Kame doesn't know how to ask it without sounding like a high school girl, so he blurts it straight out. Jin appreciates frankness. "Things are okay between us?"
"We've just spent half an hour sitting outside your building, talking about our lousy days and how you're not insane and I'm not three years old. You'll note I didn't drop you on your doorstep and drive off in tears. Yeah, I think we're okay." Jin reaches between them to unfasten Kame's seatbelt. "Come on, I'll take you up."
Jin doesn't stay. Kame doesn't ask him to. One of the important things is that Jin says he's not staying because Kame needs to rest, not because he's afraid Kame will flip out on him. The other important thing is that Kame believes him.
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: R
Series: Transjinder
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 18,000
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Warnings: Consent issues, blindfold, roleplay
Summary: Jin and Kame try to spend some quality time together for the first time since Christmas, but Kame's drama causes them more than just scheduling problems.
Part 1
One Man's Darkness is Another Man's Light 2/2
Valentine's Day is still a good few weeks away. Kame can't think about it now; he's got too much else on his mind. Filming Split is starting to take its toll.
Kage leaves his signature wherever he strikes: a black cloth with 'KAGE' hand-stitched in the corner in white. A blindfold, for the darkness in which he keeps them all. His counterpart, Nishikawa Hikaru, is the light to his shadow; as yet, he sees nothing. A blindfold conceals but this one is meant to illuminate - a clue left for Nishikawa, to guide him to the truth.
When Satou is unlucky enough to catch a glimpse of Kage's face, the scene transitions to the two men standing together against a white wall, Kame behind Hoshino - Satou's actor - with his hands untying the knotted blindfold covering Hoshino's eyes. When the cloth falls free, it's Kage who whirls it before Satou, freezing him with a ruthless smile and a glimpse of white letters on black. Time stands still, the last moment of Satou's life immortalised in monochrome.
The next second, Satou's on the ground outside with a knife in his chest and Kage has vanished. Nishikawa has no idea how he got there, or why one of Kage's blindfolds is lying on the floor, but he knows a trail of blood when he sees one and he follows it to find one of his important colleagues bleeding to death outside the shrine. Satou has last words; they're about Kage, Nishikawa can feel it.
His shadow self's name is the last word to pass Satou's lips before he takes his final breath. An angry, selfish voice inside Nishikawa's head, one that sounds both like himself and like a stranger, snaps that he could at least have said something more useful. He already knows Kage was behind Satou's death.
Shocked by his own unexpected callousness, Nishikawa staggers to his feet, still clutching the blindfold, now bloody from his attempt to stem the bleeding.
No, not unexpected. Not entirely. He's heard that little voice before, sneaking in with unsolicited advice, sounding more like Tamai than himself. Maybe she's starting to rub off on him, give him an edge. She'd like that, he thinks.
Kame thinks so too, but he knows better. This isn't the only blindfold scene he has to do. The next one to be removed is Tamai's, which involves him standing behind Meisa and trying to look more badass than she is. It takes them a while to find a suitable angle to film it from. It's too early for this scene but they're filming it now while they have the background; it's symbolic, anyway. Kame doesn't know yet how Tamai finds out, but it won't be long now.
The final blindfold to be removed is Nishikawa's. They have to focus in on Kame's face and hands, and then his other face, make it look like he's standing behind himself. Kage has a special blindfold for Nishikawa. This one has a double layer of cloth, black on the one side and white on the other. The black side has the same neat white text: KAGE. The white side has black text: HIKARU.
Nishikawa Hikaru is the light to Kage's shadow, but by the time the blindfold comes off, some of that shadow has infiltrated Nishikawa's brain - and maybe it works both ways. Kame's looking forward to finding out how the series ends. No one's willing to tell him.
It's the last scene they shoot for the day and when Kame goes to change from Nishikawa's smart suit and shiny shoes, he realises he's still carrying the special blindfold, wrapped around his wrist for safekeeping. He can return it tomorrow. Tonight, it's still his. It looks like a black and white bandage on his arm; could be covering any number of sins. Kage must have plenty of them. Nishikawa's still working on it.
And Kame? He's got them both, now. He doesn't usually have this much trouble disassociating from his drama characters. When he's off the set that's it, back to being Kamenashi Kazuya, no heroes or villains here. This time it's a little different. He's thinking all the time, trying to strike a balance between the roles, to find the place where Nishikawa ends and Kage begins. It's a full-time job all on its own and it leaves him lying awake at night, waiting for that little voice to sidle up to his mind and whisper its secrets directly into his brain.
He drives home with the thin strip of fabric unwinding itself from his wrist, dangling down past the steering wheel. Kage wouldn't carry it like this, would he? He doesn't like loose ends. He'd fold it up neatly, tuck it away in a pocket, and make sure never to leave it anywhere Nishikawa could find. Not until the time is right, anyway. When the young police officer realises the shadow he's been pursuing is none other than himself, will he crumble, Kame wonders? Will he do the honourable thing and jump off a bridge? Turn himself in, only to lose first his mind and then his life in prison?
It's an interesting dilemma. Kame's not sure what he would do in his character's place. He leaves the blindfold on the bathroom counter while he showers; Jin's coming over soon and there's not enough time to relax in the tub with his thoughts. When he dresses he might as well be on the set again, stealing from Kage's wardrobe of solid black; the white of the blindfold around his wrist is the only bright spot.
What would Kage make of Jin? Nishikawa would like his smile; the childlike innocence he's managed to retain despite everything he's seen and done. Kage would like his beauty, a work of art to be stolen and hidden away, not to be sullied by the stares of unworthy eyes. Oh yes, Kame can feel it now. He rubs the dangling tail of the blindfold between his fingers. Kage would preserve Jin's beauty forever, keep it safe beneath his own hands. And Jin would never see it, because Kage would speak to him in Nishikawa's voice, and-
Kame shakes his head, trying to snap himself out of it before he goes too deep. Nishikawa doesn't have a voice. Kage doesn't have hands. Kame has it all.
He just has to figure out what to do with it.
Jin's not here for dinner. He's already eaten, which is good because Kame doesn't think he could settle down to eat, not with the way he's feeling right now. This is almost as bad as pre-concert tension. He's not supposed to be so wound up. Food can wait till later; he's no stranger to eating at weird hours.
"You're dressed like a cat burglar," Jin says when Kame opens the front door. "I thought we were going to work on your lyrics, not go on a crime spree."
Lyrics? Oh. That's right. Kame's writing a song for his niece, something simple but sweet, and Jin, with his talent for communicating with children, is the perfect person to lend a hand.
Only...not tonight. Kame doesn't want to think about his niece, doesn't want to taint her image with the thoughts currently running through his mind. She's got nothing to do with the shadows and he wants to keep it that way.
Jin's got nothing to do with the shadows either but he's there. There, in his long white tunic, diamond patterns on his jeans and silver earrings glinting through spirals of soft black hair. He's there, he's beautiful, and Kage wants him.
Kame wants him. He shakes his head again. This is a bad idea. He should just tell Jin tonight's no good, that he should go home right now and they can do this another time. A time when he doesn't have static beneath his skin, crackling through his body as it builds to explosive levels.
"We are going on a crime spree?" Jin says, deliberately misinterpreting the headshake. "Should I call Pi to be our getaway driver?"
"No, we're..." Kame takes a deep breath. Jin's hung up his coat already and he's still standing there, waiting for Kame to step aside and let him pass. That's not going to happen. Kame places one hand either side of Jin's shoulders, wedging him against the wall, intending to tell him tonight's off.
Clearly, that's not going to happen, either.
"Kame?" Jin sounds confused. "Is everything okay? You look kind of out of it. Did something happen at work?"
"You should go home," Kame blurts out. Jin has to leave. "We'll do this another time, all right?"
"I passed on a night out with the guys to help you with your song. You're not getting rid of me that easily."
"And you're not listening to me." Kame takes his right hand from the wall, uses it to cup Jin's chin. Jin's wearing lipstick, just a little, enough that one good kiss could probably steal it away. Kage's a thief; he knows what he's doing. Kame tilts his head up enough to try, working on Jin's lips with all the delicacy of a safecracker. The safe door opens for him, allowing him access to the treasures inside.
Jin's not fighting him. Kame's got a million thoughts passing through his brain right now - his jaw's so perfectly sculpted he belongs in a museum, his hair feels so good between my fingers, why does he have to be so goddamned pretty? - and he's got Jin pressed so close to the wall Jin's got to be able to feel how much this is turning him on.
Kame's shorter by a few inches but he feels ten feet tall, like he's stalking through a museum in the middle of the night with a switchblade in his pocket and darkness at his back. He's invincible, unstoppable. Kage takes what he wants, and Nishikawa takes care of his own. Jin is both.
"You should've said you had alternative plans," Jin breathes when Kame lets him up for air. "I can be flexible."
They attended the same dance practices for years; Kame knows very well just how flexible Jin can be. But that's not what he means and the teasing response dies on Kame's tongue before he can even form the words. He's getting something here, something he can use, but to have a hope of understanding it he has to let someone else do the talking.
"If you like my plans, then stay," Kage says, sounding a lot more casual than Kame feels. "If not, then go. I won't stop you."
"You kiss me like that and ask me if I want to leave?" Jin places a hand on Kame's hip, curling his fingers just enough to suggest that leaving is the farthest thing from his mind. "Of course I'm staying."
"Then..." Kame steps back, extending his hand towards the bedroom. "Shall we?"
He's rushing them, not even pretending Jin's staying for anything else because Kage's not in the mood to be patient. He's a marvel of self-restraint the rest of the time, not seizing control of the body he shares with Nishikawa more than he has to in order to do what he must. Well, except those couple of times when he just needed to be himself. It's hard to give it back, sometimes, when you can feel everything with your own body, not filtered through someone else's senses.
Kame remembers that. Episode five, Nishikawa's first day off in a while - and also his first daylight blackout, while Kage canvassed a museum and took himself out for iced coffee. The thief had gained a taste for it. Kame can understand that, being a pretty physical guy himself. There are things Kage wants that he can never have, and tonight, Kame's going to find out what they are.
He stands beside the bed when Jin sits on the end of it, looking up at him expectantly with wide, curious eyes.
"Are you-" Jin begins, and then Kage cuts him off with a hand flat on his chest, pushing him down till his back hits the mattress. It's not a hard shove, because Kage's more refined than rough, but it's a steady pressure and Jin goes with it.
The blindfold's still dangling when Kame withdraws his hand, surprised at himself. Slowly, he unwraps his wrist and holds out the length of cloth so Jin can see it for what it is.
And Jin knows, no doubt about that, though he tries to suppress his gasp.
"I need you to forget whose body this is," Kage says, so hard and intense it's almost a command. "You'll see me better with this on." He holds out the blindfold with the 'KAGE' side facing Jin.
"I won't see anything with that on," Jin protests. "And you're not crazy enough to think otherwise, so...oh." He sits up, blindfold brushing his shoulder. "Kage. That's one of your characters in the drama, right? This is work."
Kage's cold smile morphs into Kame's warm concern. "It's...it's work, but..."
"I don't mind helping you learn lines, Kame, but is there really a scene like this in the script? In an NTV drama? I don't buy that."
"I need to work a few things out," Kame says. "In my head. I need to know how these characters think, how this series is going to end. Please."
"How the hell is blindfolding me supposed to help with that!"
"I don't want you to see me as myself. I need to be...I need to be someone else."
Jin licks his lips; Kame can tell this is weird for him. It's not Kame's normal preference, it's certainly not Nishikawa's and he hasn't even figured out what Kage likes, yet, but it matters to him that Jin's not going to start looking at him like he's a serial killer. Kame's no relationship expert, but even he knows that can't possibly be good.
"I like to see you," Jin says. "I like to know that it's you."
"We're the only people here - who else is it going to be?" It comes out in Kage's voice, cutting and impatient.
"I know, but..."
Nishikawa, the good cop, comes out to play without Kame even thinking about it. "You'll have your hands free," he assures Jin. "If the blindfold makes you uncomfortable, you can simply remove it." It's like he's trying to convince an informant to talk by offering him protection. In the back of Kame's mind, Kage's voice adds an afterthought: "You can remove it - but it would be better for you if you didn't."
Kame doesn't think he's capable of doing anything to hurt Jin. He hopes Kage won't prove him wrong. He's never gone to such lengths to get into character before.
"Please," he says again, and Jin swallows once and nods.
"Wh-what do you want me to do?"
-----
This drama role was supposed to be good for Kame, give him a chance to show off his acting chops. He's not supposed to be showing them off in the bedroom. Jin can't imagine what kind of acting technique this is, or maybe Kame's got a secret kinky side he never bothered to mention, but it's definitely not what he came over for.
He wishes he'd seen more of the drama. It would be helpful right now to know more about who he's with, what he can expect. Kage, that's got to be the cold one, with a shark's eyes and tight, sharp motions as he efficiently rids Jin of his tunic. Nishikawa's the good guy, the one who asks, ever the courteous professional, if Jin's warm enough or if he needs the heating turned up. Kame uses his TV voice for Nishikawa, the one he uses to charm talk show hosts and middle-aged women; Kage's voice is deeper, that's Kame's voice when he's annoyed but has to keep his temper.
Jin's wearing only his jeans when he scoots backwards on the bed so he's sitting up against the headboard; Kame straddles him, blindfold in hand and an odd, almost rapturous expression on his face. Jin's not sure which one of them settles the fabric over his eyes and knots it behind his head, but it's definitely Kame who kisses his cheek afterwards and strokes reassurance into his hair before moving away.
He hates it immediately. Jin likes being able to see all around him (even if it's through sunglasses, but those are for keeping his distance anyway) and having his vision suddenly stolen sends shivers down his spine like nothing else, especially when he can hear Kame breathing. Logically, he knows that it's only the two of them. His head understands that.
The rest of him, unfortunately, has too many memories of being pawed at concerts by overzealous fangirls (and the occasional train pervert). Nothing good has ever come from being unable to see the people around him. It's Kame, but at the same time it's not Kame at all and that makes Jin nervous. He tells himself all he has to do is reach up and pull the stupid blindfold over his head and it'll be fine, the darkness will lift, but he's not so naive as to think the shadow will fall from Kame. He could walk out, but he'd be leaving Kame to his weird, mystical inner journey or whatever the hell he's doing, and that's probably not a good idea either. If Kame's getting this into the part, there's no telling how far he'll take it. Best not to leave him to his own devices.
-----
Jin's holding himself rigid against the headboard, jaws clamped together, shoulders stiff enough to break under Kage's touch. He's not been forbidden to speak but Kame, the only one of them who knows Jin at all, knows he can't spare concentration to talk right now anyway. He's too busy acclimatising himself to the loss of vision, working on staying calm.
Kage deliberately interrupts him. Jin's mouth finally opens in shock when he's dragged down the bed by his beltloops; the momentum has him hitting his head on the - mercifully padded - headboard before he slides down to the pillows. He rubs the back of his head, groaning. When his hand touches the blindfold's knot, Kage snatches it away.
"Sorry," Nishikawa says. That's all he manages to get out before Kage's thoughts overwhelm him. The contrast between the two is interesting, Kame thinks. Nishikawa likes his partner, the masculine but undeniably female Tamai Sachiko. He's not interested in men, sees Jin as just another innocent soul involved in this case, someone who needs to be protected. The Nishikawa Kame's feeling at the moment doesn't feel anything when he sees Jin lying on the bed, except a little sympathy. He's not doing this for himself.
But Kage is, Kame's sure. Kage's staring down at Jin's pale chest, where his last dose of California sunshine has long since faded and his large, dark nipples stand out a mile. Kame doesn't know if it's his own bias showing through or not, but Kage finds Jin extremely attractive and would like to do something about it. He doesn't care if Nishikawa's interested or not.
Kame's touched Jin a million times but never like this, not even when the lights were off. There's a difference between open eyes in a dark room, and no sight at all, and no modern room is ever truly dark.
It's Kage who tugs Jin's jeans down over his hips, taking his underwear with and leaving them unbalanced: one stark naked; the other fully dressed. Then he lifts off from the bed altogether and Jin turns his head, searching for him without success.
"Kame?"
"Still here," Kame says. He'd like very much to be touching Jin, but something inside him - Kage, it feels like - wants to wait, to watch and admire for a moment. "Just relax."
-----
Relax? Jin's never felt so exposed in his life, and that includes the time he did a nude photoshoot. It's one thing to be able to see the model, to see the photographer, and to know that there's a point to the whole ridiculous ordeal. He's not sure what the point is here. Kame could be over in the corner doing world's quietest striptease, or he could be doing his taxes - there's no way to tell.
He stops straining to see. The blindfold's too thick for that. Instead he concentrates on his hearing, listening out for even the slightest sound that will clue him in. At first all he can focus on is his own ragged breathing. The more agitated he gets, the harder it becomes to ignore, and he clenches his fists tightly against the sheets, nails digging into his palms.
"Jin?"
He jerks when Kame's voice comes from his left, much closer than previously. "It's...it's fine. Just feels kinda weird."
Like he's being served up for dinner, but he's not about to say that to a guy who hasn't eaten all evening.
-----
Kage takes Jin's assurance at face value because he doesn't know any better. Kame notes the clenched fists, watches the rapid rise and fall of Jin's chest and tries to remember where he keeps the paper bags. Kage's watching too, but he's more interested in the lines of Jin's body. It's like he's planning a heist, Kame realises. He examines every inch of the target, studies it, maps it out in his mind so he knows exactly how to touch it, how to move it, how to store it. It's not usually sentient, though.
Finally, Kage strips out of his own clothes, dropping them to the floor without a second thought. He knows Jin can hear him. He sits on the side of the bed, close enough for Jin to rock when the mattress dips.
Jin's not even close to being aroused and that's not much of a surprise. Kame worries he'll be hated for this, but the longer he sits there, the more Jin's breathing evens out.
"Are you just going to sit there all night?" Jin says.
It's odd to be receiving prompts from someone who can't even see him but it makes Kame feel a little better.
-----
Talking reminds Jin that he still can, that he doesn't have to remain silent and motionless. The only restraint he's got is on his eyes, and while it's not how he'd choose to spend his evening, it's better than being tied up. He hopes Kame never plays a character who's into bondage.
It's taking too long. It's easier to breathe now that Kame's back on the bed again, not touching him yet but there, where Jin can find him if he stretches out his hand.
And then Kame does touch him and it's like a live wire on his skin. It's not even somewhere intimate. Kame's fingers brush his upper arm and Jin shudders, the sensation travelling all the way down to his toes. The next touch is on his stomach, circling his belly button, and he can't help but whimper.
-----
Nishikawa's first impulse is to ask Jin if he's okay. Kage's is to touch him again. Kame, who has no doubt that Jin would make it very plain if he objected, lets Kage's desires control his fingers, sweeping them down the length of Jin's body and watching a soft flush rise along his skin. It's pretty, like everything else about him. Another mental image to file away, a slow-motion video with a muted moan soundtrack.
Kage doesn't know what's in the nightstand drawer but Kame does, and he takes out a small bottle before settling down between Jin's legs. There's other stuff in there too, but Kame thinks he knows where this is going and doesn't believe it'll be required. The fact that Kage doesn't appear to be doing anything for himself either is giving him one of the puzzle pieces he's missing; he just has to figure out where it fits.
There's a slight stirring in Jin's lap now; nothing full-on yet, but enough to reassure Kame that he's getting something from this, at least. Jin's interest wanes, however, when Kage shuffles forward on his knees and pulls him up so only his torso remains on the mattress, legs spread wide around Kame's hips. This isn't something they've done before; Kame hopes he's not crossing a line somewhere. Surely Jin would let him know?
Kage crosses lines on a regular basis, though not usually like this, but he's the one who drives Kame forwards to place an unexpectedly gentle kiss on Jin's lips. That's not for Kage: that's for Jin - an act of tender generosity, a gift from one who usually takes. Kage's motivations are starting to make sense to Kame now, but who's he doing it all for? The answer's almost within reach.
Jin's warm to the touch, skin flushing further still when Kage takes him in hand, arousing him with steady, rhythmic strokes. It's mechanical but not rough; once again, the thief memorises the lay of the land with hands and lips, notes the reactions he gets and uses them to amend his tactics. Kame's already done some of the groundwork for him. He knows what works for Jin, where he likes teeth and where he likes tongue. It helps unravel the knot in his stomach to see Jin relaxing into it, breathing uneven again but for much better reasons. They can do this. It's okay.
What's not so okay is the way Jin flinches at the snap of the bottle cap.
"This is going to feel uncomfortable for a bit," Nishikawa says, clinical as a doctor. "Try to relax." He's got no interest in the proceedings whatsoever, which is why he's completely ignoring the fact that Kame's hard too. Kage doesn't seem to care, either; Kame, if left to his own devices, would have ideas about where this is going, but it doesn't look like he's going to have the opportunity to act on them. He hadn't planned on it going like this, anyway. Not with blindfolds. If Jin says anything...
"Great advice." Jin's breath hitches when Kage circles his entrance with one cold, slick finger. "Put yourself in my place and then try to relax."
"I never wear the blindfold," Kage says. "He does."
-----
That's the creepiest thing Kame's done all evening, Jin thinks. He can get past the blindfold, if he keeps reminding himself that there's only physically two of them in the room. He can get past the random, electric touches that turn his knees to jelly, so long as he manages to keep himself grounded. Getting swept away by sensation would be a really bad idea. Dangerous, maybe, because someone ought to be in his right mind and it's obviously not going to be Kame. Not when he's talking like that.
That's what Jin's having trouble getting past. Kame takes his work very seriously, practically kills himself mastering new stunts for performances and pretends his own needs are less important than those of the audience. Jin can't live like that. He's got no problem putting himself on the line if he believes in what he's doing, but he won't let work drive him crazy again. There are more important things in life. Family, friends, love. Laughter that's neither bitter nor demented.
Kame needs to get a grip and realise he doesn't need to do this to act in some stupid TV drama. The audience won't appreciate the lengths he's going to. No one's going to care if he loses his mind in the process, except the people who know and love him off the camera. He could play the part in his sleep and the result would be exactly the same.
On the other hand, Kame's drive and dedication are two of the things Jin loves about him. It's just a good thing he wasn't cast as an axe murderer.
Jin squirms as Kame's finger slips inside him. The sensation is both unfamiliar and unwelcome, but he bites his lip and bears with it because Kame's clearly doing his best to be gentle, probing him slowly with one hand while the other strokes his flagging erection back to life. He's not sure how far Kame intends to take this - not sure how far he wants Kame to take this. It's not quite how he'd pictured them doing this for the first time, with himself blindfolded and Kame roleplaying characters from both sides of the law.
-----
Kame lets Kage do all the work, stretching Jin at a slow, relaxed pace, adding another finger when it seems like he's ready to take more. It takes a while; he's tight, and what keeps Kame going is the knowledge that Jin is basically a wimp when it comes to pain and needs no encouragement to complain if he feels it's warranted. Jin keeps shifting in his lap but doesn't say a word, shuddering when he brushes up against Kame. Kame can feel Kage's smile spreading across his face, neither amused nor cruel, merely tender. That's not a surprise, either. Not anymore. Jin's still beautiful, even under the overhead light with a band of cloth tied across his eyes and a thin sheen of sweat covering his skin.
Kage loves beauty. Nishikawa's not aggressive enough to pursue it, but he wishes he could. He'd like to be like Tamai, marching right in there and taking what she wants, speaking her mind to all and sundry and to hell with the consequences. He can't be like that. He lives to please his superiors, to make a name for himself as a respectable, upstanding man with a reputation for decency and cooperation. If he goes after what he wants, he could lose it all.
Kage understands that...and now, so does Kame.
Jin chokes on a moan when Kage's fingers find his prostate. A good thief can find anything he likes, and this one wants to find the spot that will make Jin feel good, feel like the weirdness and discomfort is worth it. Kame needs this to be worth it for Jin.
"Okay?" he asks. All he gets in response is an incoherent whine, which suggests a repeat would be welcome.
Nishikawa sits this one out. He's content that his involvement isn't required, that no one needs saving from Kage. He doesn't even understand why Kage's doing this, though Kame thinks he will by the final episode.
It's all for his sake.
Kage touches Jin with reverence now, working him with both hands, inside and out, until he slumps back against the mattress on the crest of a wave. He's a sweaty, sticky mess, shuddering through his orgasm while Kame holds him. There's only Kamenashi Kazuya left. The others don't need to be here anymore.
"I'm...I'm taking off the blindfold now, okay?" Jin says, wavering a bit, after a couple of minutes where the only sounds are Kame wiping his hands on a tissue and laboured breathing from both of them.
"Okay," Kame says in a small voice. He's half-afraid to hear what Jin has to say now, what Jin will think of him for this.
Jin can't keep his hands steady enough to untie the knot so he pulls the blindfold over his head, dropping it over the edge of the bed even as he draws his legs back and rolls away from Kame. "Are we done?"
Kame's not hard anymore; even if he was, he wouldn't expect Jin to do anything about it, especially not now. "Yeah," he says, throat feeling so clogged he's surprised not to be choking on his words. "We're done."
"Good."
Jin swivels around, lowers his feet to the floor. Kame reaches for him, wanting the simple comfort of a hug as much for his own sake as for Jin's, but Jin jerks his arm away and says, "Don't touch me. Not right now."
"I'm sorry," Kame says automatically. It doesn't make any difference. He watches Jin walk to the bathroom, a little heavy, a little awkward, and thinks that's it, he's pushed things too far. The door slams but there's no corresponding click of the lock. That's something, at least, though he doubts Jin means it as an invitation.
His legs have gone to sleep from kneeling for so long. He stretches out on the bed, picking up the blindfold first because there's no way he can leave it on the floor. It's a prop, after all. He tucks it behind the tissue box so Jin won't see it when he emerges from the bathroom. Damp from sweat, it'll need washing before it goes back to the set.
The sound of running water isn't from the shower but from the bath. Jin will be a while, then. Kame's been where Jin is, and he preferred a good soak then, too.
He drags himself off the mattress when the feeling returns to his legs. The water's still running when he reaches the bathroom door. "Help yourself to anything!" he calls through it. "There's some muscle soak in the cupboard over the sink-"
The door opens, all of four inches. "Which one are you?" Jin demands to know. Though little of his face is visible, it's enough for Kame to see his colour's worse than it's been since his hiatus press conference, all those years ago.
Which one? It takes a second for Kame's guilt-frozen brain to catch up. "Kazuya."
"Then, Kazuya, how about you let me take my bath in peace?"
Kame's heart feels as brittle as Jin's voice sounds. He nods dumbly and watches the door close again. He could do with another shower but while the door's still not locked, he doesn't think walking in on Jin would be a smart move. He settles for snagging a bathrobe from the closet, tying the belt tight around his waist. Jin's clothes are still on the floor; Kame thinks that's no good, he should do something about that. He gathers everything up, folding it into a neat pile which he leaves next to the door, where Jin can't possibly miss it.
Coffee. Maybe Jin wants some coffee. Or water. Hell, he could probably do with a beer. Kame wouldn't mind crawling inside a wine bottle himself right now. He's got the answers he wanted - but at what price?
By the time Jin emerges from the bathroom with a bath towel wrapped around his hips, Kame's on his second glass of water - best he gives alcohol a miss - and wishing his intestines would stop tying themselves in knots. He's not looking forward to this. Jin sees the pile of clothing, nods, and withdraws into the bathroom to finish dressing. Kame's reprieve lasts all of a couple of minutes.
"Can I...can I get you something to drink?" he says the second Jin reappears. "Beer, or water, or-"
"Water would be fine."
It hurts when Jin cuts him off mid-sentence; worse still is the wariness in his eyes. That's not supposed to be there. Kame did that.
Jin follows him to the kitchen. He crosses his arms over his chest and leans against the counter while Kame gets him a bottle of sparkling water from the fridge. He won't take it from Kame's hands; Kame has to set it down on the side first.
"Is there anything else I can get you?" Kame tries. "Did I...are you...um..."
Jin won't look at him. "I'm fine, thank you."
"If you were fine, you'd be talking to me instead of my kitchen floor," Kame says. "I'm...I'm sorry, Jin. I'm so sorry. I didn't expect things to turn out like this."
"That makes two of us. Or four of us, or however many people were here tonight."
Kame's starting to wish he'd never even auditioned for the drama. "Two of us, in all the ways that counted."
"So the blindfold thing, that was all you?"
"That wasn't..." Kame pushes back a clump of sweat-soaked hair with one hand. He really needs a shower. "I had to. I don't...I don't know how to explain it to you, but I'm sorry to put you through that. I didn't want to rush into things. I pushed you too far, too fast, and now you're mad at me and-"
Jin sets the water bottle down with a thump on the counter. "I'm not angry about what we did; I'm angry because I don't know who I was doing it with. Who was that, Kame? You or one of your drama characters? I think I've got a right to know who's got his goddamned fingers inside me!"
That's not what Kame expected to hear. "So it was...okay?"
"No, it's not okay! You don't have to be an actor in the bedroom too, you know. Nobody's paying you to have sex with me."
There's a million fangirls who'd be willing to put up the money, Kame's sure. "I mean, touching you like that was okay?"
Jin sighs and turns away, though not before Kame can see the furtive blush creeping up his cheeks. "That was...nice. After a while, anyway. But it would've been a hell of a lot better with just you, me, and no blindfolds."
Kame sinks slowly to the tiled floor, which is awkward when his bathrobe catches on a cupboard handle, but he needs to sit down. It's been a draining evening. Across the kitchen Jin does the same, wincing at the movement and sending Kame's guilt into overdrive.
"Sorry."
"Would you stop apologising?"
"I hurt you."
Jin grimaces. "And I could've walked away. I've done more damage to myself practising dance moves, Kame. I'll be fine."
Kame knows he's telling the truth: especially during the early days of KAT-TUN's career, their lack of coordination when dancing had led to numerous knocks of heads, knees and elbows. Hell, Jin's been through motorcycle accidents. This barely qualifies as an irritation. Logic doesn't do much to help, though, even if he's apologising for the wrong thing.
"Did you at least get what you wanted?" Jin asks, and Kame knows he's not talking about the sex.
"Yeah. I found the answers I was looking for."
"Good." Jin reaches up for his water bottle and takes another few gulps. "I'm sure your director will appreciate your dedication to duty."
The sarcasm's not unexpected. Kame replies honestly. "I doubt anyone will, but I...I needed to do this. For myself. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Jin rises and deposits the bottle back on the counter before Kame can elaborate. He's heading for the door, has one arm through the sleeve of his coat when Kame catches up to him.
"Did you drive?" he asks, and then realises it's a stupid question. Jin was wearing lipstick when he arrived, though his face is bare now, and that means it's less likely he used public transport.
"Yeah." So he doesn't need a lift home, doesn't need Kame to escort him back and make sure they're still speaking to each other by the time he gets to his place.
"Take it easy." Kame starts to reach for Jin, stopping himself before he can unclench his fingers. It's better that he doesn't.
"Yeah," Jin says again. The later it gets, the fewer words he's got to spare. Kame wishes he had the same problem. He's got a million words he'd like to say to Jin, mostly variations on a theme, and Jin's likely not in the mood to hear any of them at the moment.
"I'll call you tomorrow?" It's not so much a promise as a question: is it okay to call Jin tomorrow? Does Jin even want to speak to him?
"I'm busy tomorrow." No mixed signals there.
"Just..." Now Kame's the one at a loss for words.
"I'll mail you."
Jin slips into his boots and out the door without looking back. Kame replays the last thirty seconds in his brain and hopes he didn't imagine a slight softening of Jin's voice. He's desperate enough to clutch at straws.
He showers quickly. The bathroom's still steamed up from Jin's bath, but that's the only sign he was ever there. There's still too much of a knot in Kame's stomach for him to even consider food. It can wait for breakfast. Cooking will help him focus on something other than his phone, and mail alerts that might or might not be from Jin. He washes the blindfold carefully and leaves it to dry while he sleeps.
That's the plan, at least, but sleep's not easy to come by. He's not trying to be anyone else now, doesn't have any thoughts but his own in his head, but there's far too many of them to allow him to rest easily. He wonders how many of them will come out in the script.
He understands, now, why Kage does the things he does, why he pushes the limits of things Nishikawa would never dare to do. Why Kage exists in the first place.
Kage's a distinct personality, but he has his origins in one Nishikawa Hikaru, professional nice guy. The things Nishikawa wants, be they women, power, success - he can't get them, not the way he'd like to. He's missing something, and that something is Kage. Kage gives him that edge. Everything he does, every aspect of his personality, is for Nishikawa's sake. As Kage starts to lose pieces of himself Nishikawa gains them, becoming more like the man he wants to be.
And so in the end, Kame suspects, Kage will be consumed altogether, and only Nishikawa will remain.
Kage cares more than Kame had ever imagined he could, at the start of the series. He loves his other self, wants to protect him. Wants to give him everything he needs. Everything he takes for himself is a gift for someone else, and with no body to call his own, there's a limit to how much he can take. Kame knows now that things couldn't have gone any further with Jin, not with Kage at the helm.
Jin's a gift too - but for Kame, who wants him to be happy. That backfired, all right.
Nishikawa doesn't know he's managed to develop an alter ego to fulfil his desires. Kage's the kind of guy Tamai likes - or would be, if not for his occupation - so to attract Tamai, Nishikawa must become like Kage. It all seems so clear now.
Kame tosses and turns until he realises he should've changed the sheets, gives up, and goes to sleep on the couch for what's left of the night.
Not so far away, Jin's also on the couch, TV turned to some old black-and-white movie. He's not even attempting to sleep. Lying in bed with no distractions means time for his brain to ruminate, and the last thing he wants to do is think about what's just happened. He lied to Kame - he does have things to do tomorrow, but he's not busy the whole day - because he doesn't want to talk about it, either, and Kame will want to talk.
Kame can talk till he's blue in the face and it won't help him understand; Jin's certain of that. He can get behind the idea of roleplaying for fun, but Kame didn't appear to be enjoying himself much - not that Jin was in any position to see. Playing a part for work, that makes sense too.
Playing a part in a situation that has nothing whatsoever to do with work? That's not something Jin can comprehend. He's no good at being anyone other than himself, which has caused him no end of problems in the past, and even when he's acting, he has to find some way to connect himself to the part.
If Kame's somehow feeling connected to either of his drama characters, Jin would rather not know about it, and especially not like that. Kame-as-Kage is just too damned creepy. Jin didn't sign up for a foursome.
He curls up around a pillow, burying himself deeper in a nest of old blankets while four Japanese-dubbed Beatles are having a "hard day's night". He knows the feeling. The plot's not making much sense but it's comforting, from a less complicated time, when even his mother hadn't been born yet.
Uncomplicated is good right now. Uncomplicated means he can mail Kame tomorrow without worrying who will be sending the response.
If only he knew what to say.
--------------
By the time Jin wakes up his television's switched itself off, he's buried deep enough in the blankets he's not even sure he can find his legs anymore, and he doesn't have enough time to make it to the bank before he hits the recording studio, not if he doesn't want to miss his slot. It doesn't surprise him that he's overslept.
It also doesn't surprise him that he's got a couple of mails from Kame, the first of which is an apologetic mess of crying emoji sent at six in the morning, while the second, sent ten minutes later, apologises for the first. That's definitely Kame and not his drama characters. Jin's glad he doesn't have time to respond yet; saves him trying to figure out how. And he hadn't said when he'd mail Kame, anyway.
A fast shower doesn't do much to wake him up, though the hot water does ease his aches a bit. Spending the night on the couch hasn't done him any favours. It's a good thing there's no dancing on his agenda today.
There's no need for him to look good, either, so he jams a purple beanie down over his hair, pulls up the hood of his oversized grey sweatshirt to cover it, and adds a pair of sunglasses for good measure. There, now people can just assume he had too much to drink last night. Having a reputation can be convenient sometimes.
It should've been the truth. He should've gone out with Ryo and the others last night, not agreed to help Kame with his niece's song...but if it's for kids, he can't resist.
Evidently if it's for Kame, he can't resist either. He really needs to learn how to do that. It's a good thing the drama filming will be over in a few weeks. Then Kame can relax a little, stop working himself up into a frenzy about whether or not he's doing justice to his roles.
Kame's drama...no, Jin still doesn't want to think about that. Time to distract himself with work.
His first single for 2012 is actually going to be in Japanese, a warm ballad to stave off the winter cold. Not what he'd had in mind, but one doesn't simply turn down a song from Oda Kazumasa. It makes up, a little, for not being around to record 'Bokura no Machi de', and should do a lot to pacify the fans who keep asking him to sing in Japanese.
It's been a while since he's recorded a song he didn't write, so he's been working hard to learn it.
When they stop for a break, his manager takes him aside and asks if he even bothered to look at the lyrics at all. Jin's got them in front of him and he's still screwing up, stumbling over words he should be able to pronounce, finishing the first verse with the last line of the second, changing his mind halfway through the high notes. When they play him what he's done so far, even the best take sounds awful.
They finally manage to lay down a track that everyone's happy with, though Jin can't see how it sounds any better and barely recalls singing it. His mind isn't where he'd like it to be, which is on his work, so he can stare down all those people who accuse him of not taking it seriously.
Things go from bad to worse when he accidentally joins the wrong queue at the bank and finds himself standing in line with a bunch of excited housewives, all of whom recognise him easily despite the hat, hood and sunglasses. It takes him ten minutes to extricate himself from their clutches, by which time the counter he wants is already closed.
Grocery shopping on his way home isn't much of a success story, either. He forgets to buy detergent and tissues, buys another box of eggs even though he has an unopened one in his fridge, and almost knocks over a chocolate display with his basket. It feels like everyone in the shop is watching him as he leaves, praying for him not to return and block up the aisles by blanking out in the middle of a shopping trip.
When he makes it home he resolves to stay there for the rest of the day. He's not in the mood to deal with other people; normally he craves company but today trying to keep his mind on a conversation makes him want to scream. He's got one he needs to finish before he can start any new ones - and that means talking to Kame.
There's one more mail on his phone. This one's from Yamapi, not Kame, asking if Jin has dinner plans. Jin doesn't, but the message reminds him he hasn't really eaten much all day - nibbling on half a sandwich in the studio doesn't count - and it might be an idea to do something about that. On the other hand, he's not particularly hungry, and he doesn't think meeting up with his best friend will change that. Pi will know there's something bothering him; Jin has no plans to tell him anything. He knows what Kame's like, too - playing the Akira to Kame's Shuuji must've been an eye-opening experience.
Jin regretfully declines. One more mail to write. Uncertain, he goes for the polite, neutral approach.
How's filming today? he asks.
He figures Kame will still be busy for a while, so it surprises him when he gets a response two minutes later.
Not great. I managed to trip over a cable and crash into Nishikawa's desk. I'm lucky I didn't give myself a concussion.
At least Jin's not the only one having a clumsy day. Are you all right?
It only bled a little bit. Good thing my hair's dark enough to hide it at the moment. Typical Kame, never admitting when he's hurt.
You're still on the set? Jin asks.
Sort of, Kame writes back. I'm lying down on a bench in the dressing room, waiting for the painkillers to kick in so I can finish this scene without keeling over.
Jin sighs. One day Kame's going to work himself to death, and no one will be surprised. Go to hospital, he writes. Get yourself checked out.
I've been checked out. I'll be fine. I'm not even dizzy anymore.
It's not so difficult to talk to Kame like this, when Jin can stop to think about everything he writes. No need to fake his concern; no need to think about himself, or the two of them together, because Kame's given him something else to worry about. It's a lot easier than trying to talk to him in person.
Which is why Jin wonders if perhaps he's the one who's taken a blow to the head when he offers to pick Kame up from the set when he's done.
-----
This is worse than the time he backflipped off the stage, Kame thinks. At least then there wasn't any video footage of him lying stunned on the ground. The painkillers aren't doing much to dull the pounding in his head; he's felt worse, but not normally when he's trying to remember lines.
He struggles through another ten minutes until the director commends him for his effort and tells him to go home and rest. Apparently, no one wants a leading actor who looks like he's about to throw up on the rest of the cast.
The head injury doesn't have anything to do with that - Kame's felt sick all day, it's only now that he has a more socially acceptable reason for it than "terrorising one's boyfriend with roleplay".
After giving up on sleep he'd sent Jin an apologetic mail first thing in the morning - then promptly apologised for his apology, because he was supposed to wait for Jin to contact him. Since he hadn't received a response, he'd assumed Jin was either busy or not speaking to him, but with no way to tell he'd spent the day letting it eat away at his insides.
And now Jin's coming to pick him up. This is going to be one awkward ride home.
Kame wraps himself up warm (minus his hat, mindful of the tender patch under his hair) and waits outside with one of the ADs, who appears to have been tasked with ensuring he doesn't fall over on the way. He tries to talk to her for a bit, because she's nice and has done nothing to merit the silent treatment, but all his attempts at conversation fall flat and it's actually a relief when Jin's car comes into sight.
He hurries across the lot before the AD can see exactly who it is that's come to pick him up. The front passenger door is locked when he tries it; he sees Jin mouth an apology through the window and has another go. This time he succeeds and slips carefully inside, not moving too fast. The way his day's going, he'd end up passed out on the concrete.
It's hard to tell in the car's light but Jin's colour looks better than last night, at least, even if he doesn't seem any happier. Kame doesn't expect him to, not after that. Definitely no more roleplay.
He'd tried to channel it, what he'd realised about Kage and Nishikawa - made Kage a little more sympathetic, made Nishikawa a little hungrier. And then he'd tripped over the cable and that had pretty much put an end to his acting for the day. He's himself now, but will Jin believe that?
Jin looks at him quickly, then drops his eyes to the steering wheel. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm not going to be sick in your car," Kame assures him. "I just need to lie down for a while." He slumps back against the headrest and closes his eyes until the light switches itself off. "Thanks for coming to pick me up."
"Sure. Is your car here?"
"Got a lift this morning."
"Good. Well...okay..." Jin hems and haws for a moment. "Are you sure you don't want to go to hospital?"
"I didn't connect that hard - I hit the leg of the desk, not the surface, and I managed to get my hands out in time. The only reason I even bled was the ridiculous curlicue on the side. I've got a headache but it's not that bad, really."
"You'd probably say that about death," Jin grumbles. "'It's not that bad, really!'"
"I'll tell you when it happens. Since it's not about to happen any time soon, no hospital, please. Just home." Between last night and today, Kame's exhausted, and would like nothing more than to collapse in his own bed. Maybe this will be okay. Jin's not saying anything; maybe he's okay too. They can just not talk about it, the way they've skimmed over a lot of other serious subjects.
They drive in silence for a while - no music, which is unusual in Jin's car but Kame's relieved not to have to tune out the pounding bass. It's easy to lose track of time on the road; he lets himself fade out with the motion of the car.
When he fades back in they're parked, and Jin's calling his name so softly it's hard to take it seriously as a wake-up attempt.
"Sorry," Kame says, sounding groggy. "I guess I fell asleep."
"You could do with the sleep, but I couldn't get you out the car without waking you, so..." Jin shrugs. "Will you be all right to go up by yourself?"
Of course Jin won't want to go up with him. The car is safe enough, but things might happen in Kame's apartment. "Yeah." Kame rubs his eyes. "Just give me a second. Thanks for the ride."
Jin nods and kills the engine while he waits for Kame to pull himself together and go. The second turns into a minute. The minute turns into five.
"Um...do you need me to help?"
Jin's halting offer, though most welcome, is unnecessary. Kame can manage the short journey from the car, he thinks, but he wants to see what happens if Jin thinks he can't. He keeps silent; with a nervous lick of his lips, Jin reaches over to tap Kame's arm.
"Kame?"
Kame doesn't want to start off with yet another apology. Jin already knows he's sorry. "It won't happen again," he says.
"Just watch where you're going next time. Everyone has their clumsy days."
"Not the desk." He starts to shake his head, then regrets it when the movement makes the world swim. "I meant...uh...with the characters. Last night," he adds, just in case Jin somehow thinks he's referring to a different bout of madness. "I shouldn't have involved you in that. It was...thoughtless of me."
"And I stayed," Jin says. "What are you apologising for?"
"Why, though?" This is what Kame doesn't understand. "Why did you stay? And don't tell me it was for the sex. I know blindfolds aren't your thing."
"And I know they're not yours, either." Jin unbuckles his seatbelt so he can turn sideways slightly to talk without choking himself. "That's why, Kame. You weren't...you weren't yourself. I couldn't have left you alone like that."
Despite the pain in his head, Kame smiles. "You're not my keeper."
"And you're not mine. I don't need you to baby me. It was my choice to stay - do you get that?"
Sometimes, when Jin hides his giggles behind his hands, or shrieks and runs away from a touch on his collarbone, it's hard for Kame to remember he's an adult too - older than Kame, in fact, and with many of the same experiences under his belt, the ones that make you grow up fast because if you don't, the entertainment industry will eat you alive and come back to snatch your best friend for dessert. Theirs is a business that knows how to keep you looking young while you age on the inside, become smooth and professional - or jaded and empty. Kame's seen it happen, had thought it was happening to Jin for a long while, till Jin's smile had finally come back for good.
Jin's not smiling now, yet Kame thinks he seems happier, less unsettled. It probably helps that Kame hasn't tried to blindfold him in his own car.
"Yeah. I get that. I mean, it's not like I chained you to the bed or anything-"
"Which you will never, ever do."
"-Which I will never do," Kame finishes, completely straight-faced. "Chains are too painful; I'd use silk scarves."
"You!" Jin whacks him in the ribs, then claps a hand to his mouth in horror. "Sorry, sorry. I shouldn't hit an injured man."
"It's only my head," Kame says. "Not that this means you're allowed to hit me anywhere else." They don't have that kind of relationship...but then, they don't have the kind of relationship that involves blindfolds or roleplay either. Kame has yet to figure out what they have, but it's complicated, frustrating, and one of the best things about his life.
"So how is your head, now?" Jin's not talking about the unfortunate encounter with the desk.
"Clear." Not as empty as Kame would like, sometimes, but clear. "You do realise that wasn't me...uh...being like my character, right? I don't have these other personalities inside me."
"You've got so much of your own you wouldn't have room for another one," Jin says. Maybe it's silly for Kame to have to say it outright, but Jin sounds relieved anyway. "Please tell me you've got such a good grasp on these characters now that you'll never even have to think about them off the set again."
Kame grins. "Not many episodes left to film; they're almost out of my mind now." They both know it's a lie, that he'll be thinking about the roles until the cameras finally stop rolling. "I told you to go; I should've made sure you listened."
"Since when have I ever done as I'm told?"
Good point. "Maybe if I ask Takki to tell you..."
"I don't even want to know how that conversation would go!"
"That makes two of us." Kame pauses, then adds, "And it really is two of us. No one else."
Jin scratches his neck, burying his fingers inside the collar of his puffer jacket. "You're scary intense when you get into character, you know that?"
"That's the idea. But I'm sorry I-" Kame takes one look at Jin's face and decides to strike the word 'sorry' from his vocabulary. "I didn't plan to freak you out."
"So I assumed, or you'd be making your way home in a taxi right now and I'd be deleting your number from my phone."
"You never delete anything from your phone except by accident," Kame says. "You just buy new phones and tell everyone to send you their numbers."
"It's a good way to find out who actually wants to be my friend. The people who aren't speaking to me anymore don't bother to keep in contact."
"Would you even notice? You've got so many friends."
"I notice." Jin meets Kame's eyes with a smile. "I'm bad with strangers, so I turn them all into friends as soon as I can."
"Sometimes more," Kame adds.
"Sometimes more."
"So how's that working out for you?"
"Pretty well," Jin says, pretending it's a serious question. "I'm seeing this great guy who's good at almost everything as long as it doesn't involve drawing, and he's going to act everyone else off the screen because he's so into his work, and-"
"And I'm seeing this amazing person who doesn't let others define him, who has a vision he's working hard on sharing with the world, and who I really should learn to appreciate more." It's not often Kame can out-do Jin in the sappy stakes, as he learned after their first viewing of Titanic, but he's trying. "I should learn to trust him more too."
"Yeah, you should. Kame, I know you're no good at telling anyone when you're stressed out, but you can do something about that. Don't kill yourself for work. Your fans will cry."
"My family and friends might not be too thrilled either," Kame says. "They've kind of gotten used to having me around."
"So have I," Jin says. "Even if you can be sort of weird sometimes."
"Coming from you, I'll take that as a compliment."
When Jin starts laughing, Kame tells him about the rest of his day, how he'd accidentally started saying his lines as Kage rather than Nishikawa because he'd been in such a daze, and ended up spilling Meisa's tea all over the floor. Tripping over the cable had been the last in a long line of misadventures.
Jin returns the favour by regaling him with tales of banks, supermarkets and recording studios, none of them with a happy ending. "And don't start apologising again; I can see it in your eyes."
"I don't feel quite so ridiculous now," Kame says. "Did you really try to pay for your shopping with dollar bills?"
"It wouldn't have been enough, anyway," Jin says sadly. "The exchange rate's horrible."
Jin's no stranger to bad days but Kame knows this one was his fault, which does nothing to ease his guilt. He can't apologise again, though, and settles for saying, "I hope you have a better day tomorrow."
"I hope for that for both of us, or we'll be riding in an ambulance by the end of it." Jin jangles his keys. They've been sitting in the car for a while now. "It wasn't...I mean, I was okay. You didn't do anything that's going to traumatise me for life; I just...had a lot on my mind."
"So we're..." It's a delicate question. Kame doesn't know how to ask it without sounding like a high school girl, so he blurts it straight out. Jin appreciates frankness. "Things are okay between us?"
"We've just spent half an hour sitting outside your building, talking about our lousy days and how you're not insane and I'm not three years old. You'll note I didn't drop you on your doorstep and drive off in tears. Yeah, I think we're okay." Jin reaches between them to unfasten Kame's seatbelt. "Come on, I'll take you up."
Jin doesn't stay. Kame doesn't ask him to. One of the important things is that Jin says he's not staying because Kame needs to rest, not because he's afraid Kame will flip out on him. The other important thing is that Kame believes him.