[JE] [TJ10] Retail Therapy
Title: Retail Therapy
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Series: Transjinder
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: R, just to be safe
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 6,773
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Kame gets ambushed in a supermarket, Yamapi shops on Tegoshi's advice, and Jin considers on-line shopping
Crossposted at AO3
If you're curious, I was looking at this store for inspiration.
Retail Therapy
When episode eight of Split airs, Kame watches it at home and tries to gauge whether or not he looks like he almost knocked himself out during filming. His character, Nishikawa, seems pained and tired, but that's to be expected. He doesn't look like someone concealing a bleeding lump under his dyed black hair, at least. They'd had to reshoot some of it anyway, notably the scene where he'd tripped and cracked his head on the desk, so there's not much left to suggest he'd been feeling under the weather that day even before his accident.
Self-inflicted. He's trying not to dwell on it now, what happened with Jin. With Jin, Kame, Nishikawa...and Kage. Jin hadn't signed up for a foursome. Two bodies, four personalities, and only two of them real.
Though that's a lie too, because they've both got other faces. Everyone does, in their line of work. It's a matter of survival. Give the public everything you've got and you'll have nothing for yourself; friends and family fight over the bare bones and leave you hollow.
But Kame and Jin have been friends for far too long to be deceived, even if they can't always read each other properly. Sometimes they have to ask.
Kame needs to stop doing that. Asking, that is. It's getting on Jin's nerves. It's been over a week since that night and Kame's attempts to discreetly check up on Jin with cleverly camouflaged questions of concern have met with little in the way of response. Jin insists that he is fine, that he bears Kame no ill will...but they haven't seen each other since the following evening, and Kame can't tell if there's anything behind the usual casual messages.
He'd like to get together and see for himself. Unfortunately, there's no time. They're filming the penultimate episode of the drama now, which will air the day before Valentine's Day, so the jokes are flying thick and fast around the set. It's in the script: Tamai feels sorry for Nishikawa, who hasn't been the same since Satou's death, and buys him obligation chocolate to try cheer him up a little. Not that she'll admit to this, of course, and when other officers rib her about it she threatens them until they back off. No one wants a broken nose on Valentine's Day.
Kame hasn't received proper Valentine's chocolate for years. He doesn't think he's likely to get any this year, either. Not the homemade stuff. It's probably not in Jin's repertoire, even if he felt inclined to make it, and while he's western enough to ignore the whole "Valentine's Day is for girls" thing - or girly enough, possibly - it's doubtful he'd make it himself.
He's not like Kame, who routinely cooks for other people and loves seeing the smiles on their faces when they enjoy something he's prepared. Sweet or savoury, it doesn't matter.
Why not chocolate?
They don't have the most conventional relationship in the world - didn't even before they got involved - and there's no law that says Kame can't make chocolate for his other half. He just can't tell anyone about it. There have already been a couple of tabloid articles about the affair he's possibly having with Meisa but no one's come right out and asked him if he's seeing anyone - they do that to Jin, more - and if asked, he'll only admit to receiving chocolates from his niece. That's safe enough for the agency.
It's got to be less complicated than Split's Valentine's plotline.
Tamai's already getting questions about whether or not she's making chocolate for her partner from the guys at the station - mostly the ones who wouldn't receive any in a million years. No way is she giving Nishikawa his chocolate at work. It's bought, not handmade, but it's good, department store stuff, not picked up at a conbini, and maybe it'll make him smile.
Not that there's much to smile about, with Satou dead and Shadow Unit no closer to finding Kage. Nishikawa's not been the same since Satou's death, and no matter how much Tamai insists otherwise, he still blames himself. Chocolate can't relieve guilt but it can make you feel better. Tamai knows only too well; keeps a stash at home for those long, fruitless days when someone dies because the police haven't caught the killer yet.
She takes the chocolates to work, keeping them in her locker till the end of the day. More paperwork, more questions, more tension all around and Nishikawa's jumpy enough that Takahashi refuses to let him drink any more coffee. He's a good guy, Nishikawa. Tamai ribs him for it all the time but as partners go, she could do a lot worse. He's not as cautious anymore, not so strict about playing by the rules, and she likes that. It's the only good thing to have come from this case.
She plans to catch him after work, slip him the small, gift-wrapped box when no one can see, but Chief Nakata stops her for a word and by the time she extricates herself from the conversation, Nishikawa's long gone. No matter - she knows where he lives.
They're going to have fun filming this one, Kame thinks. It's time for Tamai's blindfold to come off. That scene, they've already got. What they don't have yet is that all-too-crucial scene where Tamai finds out. That's for tomorrow, though the aftermath, which is all Meisa and no Kame, is scheduled for last, in a few day's time. Nearly there. One last episode to film...plus a hell of a lot of promo material. Free time's still going to be at a premium for a little while.
No time to see Jin yet. Maybe that's for the best. He'll move automatically, reach for Jin, wanting to hold him, to kiss him, and maybe Jin will turn away again. He's got every right. Maybe Kame's got no right to expect otherwise anymore.
-----
Jin wishes Kame would stop sending him coded messages. As nice as it is to feel like some kind of super spy, he'd prefer a straightforward "how are you?" to "were there any problems at the hairdresser?", which is clearly Kame trying to find out if he ran out screaming after being pinned to a chair and attacked with scissors.
He always responds to the messages, naturally, but nothing he says seems to be the magic phrase that'll stop Kame worrying that he's done a very bad thing.
"Kame again?" Yamapi asks when Jin's phone comes to life during lunch. "I never thought he was so...clingy."
Jin clicks out of the message before Pi can steal it away to read. It can wait. "He's not. Not normally. Must be the drama making him a little crazy."
"His drama's making me a little crazy," Yamapi says. "Have you seen it?"
"More than I'd like." Jin stares down at the bowl of ramen, trying not to see Kage in the noodles. "I think we'll both be glad when it's over."
It's the drama's fault, definitely. The drama's made it weird between them, no matter how much they managed to resolve on that car ride back to Kame's place. Jin wonders how long it'll take before Kame stops feeling guilty. Not too much longer, he hopes. The longer they spend apart, the easier it is for Kame to talk himself into believing he's somehow broken Jin.
That, Jin can tell him, is complete and utter nonsense. Jin knows what it's like to feel broken, to feel worthless, to feel like nothing in the universe matters anymore because none of it makes one damned bit of difference. This isn't it.
This is...a slight technical hitch, a momentary digression, a tiny bump in the road. They can get past this, assuming Kame doesn't drive them both completely up the wall in the meantime.
Not that Jin minds the daily contact. It's kind of nice to have the reminder that he's with someone, after so long alone. What they'll do when he goes back to America for work, he's not sure, but no point thinking about that now.
"You have the soppiest grin," Yamapi says, poking Jin with the handle of his spoon. "Must be love."
Jin immediately tries to school his expression into something less like a lovestruck heroine from a romance novel. Pi's laughter suggests that his efforts are futile.
"Aren't you going to write back?"
"Later." Jin tucks his phone away. "It's just about my hair. It can wait."
"If he even notices you had an inch chopped off, you've reached 'old married couple' stage."
"Two inches." To get rid of the split ends. Jin changes his hair a fair bit, though not nearly as often as Kame, but for now he's keeping it long enough to play with. Long enough to pin up, when he wants to look elegant - not that often - and long enough to tie back when he can't be bothered, which is a lot of the time. He likes it when Kame runs his fingers through it, too, though there's no telling when that'll happen next. "And I don't expect anyone to notice except my fans."
Yamapi nods. "They catch everything. I wish my eyesight was that good."
"Kame's isn't."
"So you're not making yourself pretty for him, 'cause he can't see it anyway?"
Jin doesn't want to be photographed flipping off his best friend in the middle of a restaurant, so he contents himself with scoffing at the teasing. "What do you mean, make myself pretty?"
"Like everyone else getting ready for Valentine's Day. Your cooking skills improved enough to make chocolate yet?"
Jin's been expecting it to come, sooner or later, but that doesn't make it any less awkward. He shrugs, conscious that Yamapi's not just messing around, he's actually asking questions, only he's concealing them with jokes. "Are you kidding me? I'd blow up my kitchen if I tried. What makes you think I'm making chocolate?"
"You know..." Pi couldn't sound more uncomfortable if he tried. "You. The girl thing. Valentine's."
"And?" Jin feels a little bad, needling his best friend like this, but if Yamapi's got something to say, better he says it now, doesn't leave it to fester for another few months while he attempts to find more tactful phrasing.
"And..." Yamapi huffs, suddenly sitting up straight with a touch more resolve in his voice. "And I got curious. About you and Kame. How you..."
"I don't think you want me to sit here and tell you about my sex life over lunch, Pi." Especially given what happened last time he and Kame had sex, and that's something Jin's never telling anyone else about. Ever.
Yamapi makes a face that suggests he's just found a Junior doing the backstroke in his bowl. "You're right, I don't. I don't want to hear about it after lunch, either. But that's not what I meant. It's just...he likes guys, right? And I didn't think you did till the two of you hooked up. You never said anything."
"Because I didn't know."
Jin stalls for time by sipping his water, trying to organise his thoughts into words Yamapi stands a chance of understanding. They've only ever talked about girls before. Lots of girls. Girls in clubs and bars, who press against them with tight clothes and smooth skin. Girls at work, who take their photos and do their make-up, watching them from beneath coloured lashes as they smile for the camera. Girls in movies. Girls on TV. Girls on the street who happen to catch their eye. Jin's used to being able to turn to Yamapi - to any of his friends, really - and talk about girls, and know that they're on the same page.
Not anymore. Yamapi's still seeing girls, and Jin hasn't been with one for ages. Sometimes he feels like he's forgotten how. What to say, what to do. He doesn't have to try to impress Kame. All he has to do is be himself, a technique which hasn't worked terribly well on girls in the past.
It's not likely to work now, either, unless they're into guys who sometimes feel like girls.
Jin looks around the tiny restaurant for inspiration, finding it in a young man and woman sitting by the door. He points as discreetly as he can. "You see the couple over there? The girl with the red streak in her hair and the guy she's with? When you look at them, what do you think? Him first."
"Do you know them?" Yamapi asks, and Jin panics for a second because what if Yamapi knows them?
"No. Do you?"
"No."
"So tell me about them," Jin says. "What's your impression?"
Yamapi grabs a menu for cover, peering over the top to study the young couple. "I have no idea why I'm doing this, but okay. He's...probably a few years younger than me. Looks like he dyes his hair, seems to be left-handed-"
"You're not Sherlock Holmes," Jin interrupts. "I mean, do you think he's...attractive? Do you look at him and want to sleep with him?"
"No!"
"Neither do I. Now look at the girl. Same thing."
This time there's more of a flicker in Yamapi's eyes - though not that much of one, since he's got a girlfriend and therefore not looking to meet anyone. It's a look Jin knows well. "The red streak doesn't suit her very well but she's pretty, especially when she smiles."
"I think she's pretty too," Jin says. "But you know what the first thing I notice about her is? Her shirt. I want to know where she got it so I can get one myself."
The shirt in question happens to be black with a pair of pink penguins holding hands on the front, sleeves ending in points just past the wrist, the neck cut in a low V. It's cute. It's not uncommon to see guys wearing that kind of shirt, especially in their line of work, but it's not the sort of thing Jin normally buys for himself.
"Kame would probably like the shirt too," he continues. "But he wouldn't have to think twice about wearing it. He doesn't care. He'd probably think she's pretty too, but he'd never go out with her."
"He's got you," Yamapi says lightly, then catches himself. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Yeah, you did. It's okay." Jin sighs. "I'm not his girlfriend."
"Boyfriend?"
"I...it's complicated. I don't think Kame cares about that, either. He likes me - has done for a long time. You knew that long before I did."
Yamapi gives him an apologetic smile. "I can't help what he tells me when he's drunk. He's a cute drunk, though. Very into holding hands."
"As long as holding your hand was all he did," Jin says, threat half-implied and mostly a joke.
"Well, there was that one time he threw himself at me in a karaoke booth-" is as far as Yamapi gets before Jin kicks him under the table. He catches the table leg as well, which shakes their bowls, slopping the broth down the sides.
"Oops."
"I can't take you anywhere." Yamapi steals Jin's napkin to wipe up the mess and starts dabbing at the table. "You know Kame's a kissing monster when he's drunk. You both are. You probably kissed each other years ago and never noticed."
That would've been worse for Kame, Jin figures. At least he's making up for it now - or will, if they ever have time to see each other again. Good thing there's not much left to film of the drama.
"I'm sure someone would've tried to blackmail us by now, in that case."
"Good point."
They both know by 'someone' Jin means 'Ryo'. As they finish the remains of their lunch, he says, "I can't explain it any better, sorry, but that was the difference. Did it make any sense?"
Yamapi grins. "You never make any sense. I think I'm more confused now, but it doesn't matter to me how you guys work it out, as long as you're happy. You're happy, right?"
"Yeah, I-" Jin breaks off as he realises the couple they've been watching have left. "I wanted to find out where she bought the shirt!"
"Try asking Tegoshi," Yamapi suggests. "I don't think there's much he doesn't know about where to buy girls' stuff."
"Not if he was the last idol on Earth," Jin says, and that is that.
-----
Yamapi's the last person Kame expects to run into while shopping for ingredients. He doesn't have time to make chocolate completely from scratch, grinding the beans and all, but he certainly doesn't want to go down the store-bought route. He wants to make something special, something Jin will bite into and know just how much thought Kame put into it. Not for thanks, or for praise, but because he cares.
Kame's looking at the range of chilli powders, wondering how hot Jin likes his chocolate, when Yamapi pops up beside him and plucks one from the shelf with a cheery wave.
"I was going to get that one!" Kame mock-protests.
Yamapi grins and pops another one in Kame's basket, where it joins a tub of cream and some cocoa powder. "That must be some curry you're making."
"I don't put cocoa in my curry." Kame looks down at his basket and reconsiders the chilli. He exchanges the mild powder with a medium one. Jin's tastebuds can take it. "This is for chocolate."
"Chocolate?"
One look at Yamapi's face and Kame knows where his mind's going. "Yes, chocolate. I can cook, you know."
"I remember." Having tasted Kame's cooking before, Yamapi sounds genuinely fond, though not at all sincere when he says, "Helping your niece bake for an elementary school boyfriend?"
"Not unless I want to take the roof of his mouth off. This one's strictly for adults."
"He seems like a kid half the time, that guy."
"Yeah, he-" Kame stops. "I didn't say who I was making chocolate for."
"It's Valentine's Day next week. Who else would you be making it for?"
Kame turns to scan the aisle for potential eavesdroppers. The supermarket's not exactly the most incriminating place to be seen talking to Yamapi, but it's easy for someone to get close enough to listen in. "He did mention you knew. I don't normally do it. Make chocolate, that is. But I thought it might be nice. Not a girlfriend-boyfriend thing, just...two people who like each other." He turns back to Yamapi. "Surprised?"
"Not...surprised," Yamapi says carefully, "I was kidding him before about making you chocolate, what with him being...the way he is."
"He'd set fire to the kitchen."
"Yeah, he said something similar." They share a knowing laugh at Jin's expense, familiar with his particular brand of culinary expertise. "I just got curious about how you see him, I guess."
"Probably not the same way you do. At least, I hope not!" Kame catches himself in the middle of a laugh, because that's not strictly true, and shakes his head. "We've both known him for years, and he's grown a lot in that time, but I don't think he's really changed, not where it counts. My view hasn't changed that much either, except now I'm not a tiny little Junior standing in his shadow, desperately hoping he'll think I'm cool."
Yamapi nods. "No, now you're a tiny little debuted idol, and you already know he thinks you're cool."
Kame doesn't want to know what Jin thinks of him at the moment. Most likely that he's some kind of stalker with an emoji addiction. "We're seeing the same person through different lenses," he explains. "You get to see a side of him that I don't, and it's the same for me, but he's still the same person."
"So...you still see him as a guy?"
"I see him as...Jin."
Yamapi looks down, laughing. "I should've expected that."
"I get what you're trying to ask - I think - but I don't have an answer for you. Yes, Jin's situation makes things a little more complicated, but that's for us to figure out. It doesn't make any difference to you. Ah!" Kame has a sudden flash of inspiration and hopes he's right. It makes more sense than Yamapi suddenly taking an interest in his sex life, after all. "It doesn't mean anything has to change between the two of you.
"Unless something already has?"
"It's not that I think anything's going to change, but..."
As far as Kame knows, Jin's been fairly discreet with his friends, with only Yamapi and Ryo aware of his gender dysphoria. He's never mentioned to Kame anything about dressing up around them, and it's hard to tell exactly how much they've been exposed to his girly side. Easy to remain unaffected when you don't see the consequences.
But now Jin's in a relationship - with a man, which thankfully doesn't appear to be the issue at hand - and that raises all sorts of questions. There are only two people Yamapi can ask, and it sounds like he's already tried Jin.
Kame leans closer, hoping no one decides to choose this moment to shop for chilli powder. "Has he asked you to treat him any differently? Has he ever come right out and said he wants you to change the way you think about him?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what makes you think anything's going to change?"
Yamapi's got the height and build advantage but right now he might as well be a confused little kid, tugging on Kame's sleeve for answers to questions he doesn't even know how to ask.
"Because he wouldn't ask me! He talked about other people, wanting them to see him differently, but he sat there with me and Ryo and didn't ask us to do anything for him. And I want," Yamapi's voice is rough, heavy with emotion he's having to hold back because damnit, they're in a supermarket and idols just can't go around emoting all over the place, "I want to be able to do something for him. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me."
Kame snorts. "Uncomfortable around you? You do realise how ridiculous that sounds, right? You're one of the privileged few who can actually make him feel at ease."
"Then why won't he be himself around me?"
"Jin's always himself." Kame realises he's leaned in too far and pretends to give his undivided attention to the label on a jar of oregano. "Or were you expecting him to show up for your nights out in a skirt and heels?"
Yamapi hides his embarrassment behind a packet of mixed herbs. Maybe they can pretend they're preparing for a celebrity cooking special or something. "I don't know. Maybe. I haven't seen him wear anything girly - more girly than usual, anyway - since we did a photoshoot together, and even then he had to change."
Interesting, Kame thinks. He can understand Jin not wanting to dress up in front of Ryo, because no matter how well-intentioned, there will inevitably be mocking. Yamapi is another matter. Not that there won't be mocking, but it'll sound nicer.
"I think you're putting too much importance on appearance," Kame says flatly. "I don't know exactly what he told you, but it's not like he suddenly flips a switch and changes mode. He might not be having a girly day when he sees you, you know."
"Does he have them with you?"
"Sometimes." This is not going to do anything to resolve Yamapi's problems, and it's not going to get Kame his ingredients, either. There's a limit to how long he's prepared to stand in a supermarket with a rapidly-warming tub of cream. "Talk to Jin about it, okay? He's not deliberately trying to leave you out, I know that much, but talking to me isn't going to help."
"Talking to Jin about it probably won't help either," Yamapi says. "How do I say, 'I think I'm finally okay with it if you're a girl around me'?"
"Try, 'I think I'm finally okay with it if you're a girl around me'," Kame suggests. It doesn't escape his notice that Pi's not saying 'like a girl', which is a marked improvement.
He leaves Yamapi holding the mixed herbs, escaping just as a group of middle-aged women at the end of the aisle realise they're there. He grins apologetically over his shoulder as Yamapi disappears in the mob. He can get out of this one on his own.
-----
That's playing dirty. He'll get revenge on Kame later - maybe take him out drinking again and leave him dancing on the tables in nothing but his underwear - but for now, Yamapi's more concerned with extricating himself from the band of housewives. Seven autographs and a photo refusal later, he makes it back to his car, his shopping basket still somewhere in the middle of the aisle. He didn't really need that milk anyway.
What he does need is a way to prove to Jin that it's okay, that he doesn't have to hide pieces of himself just because he thinks his friends will take it badly. If there's one thing you can count on about being in Johnny's, it's that men in make-up are as common as teenage girls at a Hey!Say!JUMP concert, and probably prettier. Jin certainly is, not that it's wise to say that to him.
Or maybe it is, since Yamapi has no idea if Jin wants people to think he's pretty when he's...like that. Most of the time he'd rather people didn't pay attention to his looks, and that works out fine because hey, they're guys, they don't sit around and compliment each other on their hair. (Well, maybe Kame does, but Kame also paints his toenails and wears women's sandals. He's in a league of his own.)
If there's an etiquette book for this kind of situation Yamapi's never read it, and he doubts it exists in Japanese. It still surprises him even now, that he can see Jin in eyeliner and wonder if it's for work or pleasure. With almost anyone else it wouldn't even be a question. As always, Jin is a law unto himself.
The best way to communicate anything to Jin is to tell him straight out, so there can be no misunderstandings, and to do it with more than just words. Good thing that after all these years of trading clothes back and forth, Yamapi has a reasonably good idea of his best friend's measurements.
-----
"You're way too early for my birthday." Jin's holding the plain black shopping bag like it's about to explode, dangling it from two fingers at arm's length while Yamapi stands in the doorway. "Or is this a replacement for that shirt you wrecked?"
"Neither, but you might want to close your front door before you open it."
Jin shoots him a suspicious look but obeys, stepping back so Yamapi can take off his shoes. He's lucky to have caught him at home; Jin's mails, sent at odd intervals during the day, have pushed this little meeting back further and further after a day spent taking shop pictures, a shoot for SODA, and a meeting to discuss the upcoming tour. It's nine in the evening and this is the only night Yamapi's got free now till the day before Valentine's Day - and he certainly doesn't want to be giving this kind of gift to Jin then.
"Open it," Yamapi says when they sit down. He thinks it might be easier to explain after Jin's seen what's inside. "It's not from Ryo and it doesn't bite."
"If it could bite, you wouldn't be giving it to me in a carrier bag," Jin points out. "What is it?"
"Explanations afterwards."
Jin snorts and reaches into the bag, pulling all the contents out together and knocking the carrier to the floor. He unfolds the mound of black nylon in his lap and holds up a camisole with tiny spaghetti straps, and a pair of matching flared shorts. Very short shorts. These definitely aren't boxers.
It takes Jin a second to register what he's holding. "Did...you mix up the bags? Shouldn't this have gone to Keiko? Are you even still seeing Keiko?"
"No, and no." But Yamapi doesn't want to talk about his love life. "It's for you."
"You got me women's underwear, Pi!"
Yamapi shakes his head, smiling proudly. "Nope. Men's. Check the labels."
Jin does - twice. It's hard to tell if he's feeling anything but confused; Yamapi hopes he won't be offended by the present. Jin can feel slighted by the oddest things, sometimes...but then, most men don't buy lingerie for their best friends in the hope that they'll seriously wear it.
"Why...what..." Jin sets the undergarments down on the cushion. "Um...I've never worn this kind of stuff. When it's not for work, I mean. I don't...uh..."
"Ah." Yamapi winces, embarrassed for both of them. Clearly he's overestimated Jin's girliness. Maybe he should've gone with make-up. Or a handbag. Girls like handbags. "Sorry. I just wanted...I wanted to do something to say it was okay, you know? That it won't bother me if you wear stuff like this around me."
"Pi, this is underwear. If I wore stuff like this around you, you'd never know."
"I guess that's true..."
"Where did you even get this?"
"Called Tegoshi for suggestions." At Jin's horrified face he hastily adds, "Without mentioning your name. I told him it was for a drama part."
Jin sinks back against the cushions, relieved not to have the spectre of Tegoshi hanging over him. "I don't want to know why he knows where to buy men's lingerie."
"I don't know either," Yamapi assures him. "But I don't think it's the same reason I thought you might wear it. He gave me the names of a couple of shops, and there's a website too. They had cute doughnut-print stuff." He pulls out a crumpled piece of paper. "Here. I wrote them down for you. Just in case."
Jin takes the paper without looking, shoves it in the pocket with his phone. "I get that you're trying to help, and I'm grateful, but this isn't...you know..." He scratches his neck, like he can erase the awkwardness with his nails. "I kind of prefer to pick out my own clothes. Comfortable things."
"This is totally comfortable!"
"You've tried it on?"
"No, but the guy in the store kept telling me how nice it felt." Amongst other things, but Yamapi doesn't think Jin wants to hear about that. Next time he'll go in with a better cover story. How was he supposed to know the clerk was a fan?
Not that there will be a next time. If Jin wants more, he can go get it himself, and it doesn't look like that will be the case.
"Well, I can't take it back." Yamapi shrugs. "If you don't want it, you can get rid of it. It doesn't matter."
"I didn't say that, but...I haven't really thought about it before." Jin's hair is tied back, leaving his face free from cover and significantly more flushed than it was when Yamapi arrived. "Like, wearing things underneath, where no one can see."
"Not even Kame?" slips out, and Yamapi smiles and waves an apologetic hand.
"Maybe Kame. But no one else." Jin is very firm about this. No one could accuse him of being an exhibitionist these days, not when he wears so many layers it's as though his skin ignites if exposed to the air. "The whole time, I've been trying to be...I guess, different in a way people can see? So they know? But sort of not, at the same time."
Because then he'd be on hiatus again, and it wouldn't be his idea this time. The agency likes variety in its idols, but only up to a point. After that, you'd better play by the rules, better look the part and say it like you mean it. Talk about the type of girl you like, not the type of girl you'd like to be. Talk about wearing women's perfume, maybe, but not women's underwear, because that's not every fan's fantasy.
Okay, so the underwear in question is actually for men and wouldn't fit too many women, but the point still stands. Jin can wear women's tops in public and no one will give it too much thought. But if he takes his shirt off in a studio dressing room when there are witnesses, the camisole's not going to go down too well. There's no way he can pass this one off as a vest. Good thing the clerk had suggested staying away from the bras.
It's not quite a revelation but Yamapi feels a little more clued-in now, a little more aware of the dozens of things Jin probably has to take into account when getting dressed. Someone else's life would be easier. One not spent in the entertainment industry, where image is everything and you spend half your time getting changed.
"Up to you," Yamapi says. "Next time I'll get you a handbag. Hey! I'm being serious!"
Serious, he might be, but Jin's still laughing at him. "Don't get me anything! I'll buy my own. I know what your taste in handbags is like!"
If they can laugh at each other - laugh with each other - then things are normal. Things are good. Yamapi hasn't broken some mysterious commandment that says thou shalt not buy lingerie for thy best friend. Jin's not about to throw it back in his face and show him the door, bitterly offended and vowing never to speak to him again. They're okay.
When Jin finally does show him the door, two hours later, after a couple of beers and a bad American comedy made worse by incomprehensible subtitles, Yamapi's not sure whether or not he managed to get his point across. Or if he even had a point at all, come to that. Jin seems relaxed enough, however, and the lingerie's back in the bag, sitting on the table, presumably waiting for disposal.
Maybe he'd have preferred the doughnut-print set.
-----
Jin closes the front door, locks it behind him as he scans the room to make sure Pi didn't forget anything. If he did, it can wait till morning. Jin's not opening the door again tonight. He's closing the curtains, turning down the lights till nothing seems real anymore, or maybe that's the alcohol blurring the edges for him so he doesn't have to think about this too much.
The bag's still there. He could leave it, could throw it out in the morning - carefully, because he wouldn't put it past some of his crazier fans to check out his trash.
But he's not going to. This is that bright red dress all over again, trying it on for size. This is the first sweep of colour over his lips, years ago, alone in his bathroom and scared to death of his own feelings.
He's braver now, and this is a gift from his best friend, after all. From someone he trusts, someone who cares so much about him that he's willing to do things that make him uncomfortable just to make Jin feel better.
Besides, if he doesn't try, he'll never know.
Jin takes the bag through to his bedroom, where no one can peer through the door and catch him in the act. He opens the wardrobe for the full-length mirror inside and strips quickly, shedding clothes till there's nothing left but skin, slightly flushed with anticipation.
Shorts first. They fit - no surprise, given who'd picked them out - and the flare across Jin's thighs isn't bad. He couldn't wear them outside as proper shorts, but as men's underwear they'll pass, just about.
Then the camisole. Jin almost tears one of the tiny straps trying to get his arms in the right place; they're adjustable, he can tighten or loosen them as necessary. He smooths the soft, slinky fabric down over his stomach, secretly pleased by the neat, even fall over the shorts. Not too bad, not too bad. He could pass for an eccentric athlete, perhaps.
Or perhaps not. Jin's seen enough lingerie - usually from the other side - to know it when he sees it, and he's not going to fool anyone like this. It feels...feels good, sort of. Like he's dressed up for a special night, a special someone - only tonight, that someone is himself. He slides a finger under the right strap, following it down to his chest where the camisole bulges ever so slightly from time spent at the gym.
Then a hand down his side, ribs under fabric till he reaches his hip. The lingerie helps him look like he's hiding the curves he doesn't have, childbearing hips he's got no use for. He rests his hand there, uses the other to tug the band from his hair and tease it down around his neck, a soft, tangled mass of waves, ready for Kame to comb through with his fingers as he kisses his way down Jin's throat, into the slight dip in the fabric.
Jin looks directly into the mirror, taking in the overall picture. In the bedroom light his eyes are darker than usual, half-hidden by hair, and they rake him up and down with obvious interest. There's a pretty young thing in the looking glass, gender unimportant, sleek and sultry and in total control. Jet black fabric holds it all in, all that energy, wrapping it up in a layer of elegance that provides power to the wearer, a distance to keep unwanted chaos at bay.
The garments aren't tight in the slightest; nevertheless, Jin feels confined - not, for once, in a bad way. He's hiding himself in plain sight, covering up his male body. The camisole falls low enough it's hard to tell there's anything in his shorts at all - at least until he passes a hand over himself and thinks about Kame seeing him like this, maybe unbuttoning his shirt to find this underneath. That's enough to pique his interest a little.
But Kame's not here tonight. Kame's probably still on the set. There's just Jin, keeping this secret to himself, glamour girl with a hidden side and a hand cupping the front of his shorts. This is like the first time he ever jerked off, wondering if he was doing it right because it seemed to be taking a while to get anywhere and he didn't want his mum to walk in and find him. Or maybe the first time he'd had sex with a girl, both of them young and awkward and incapable of thinking straight till it was over. This is just as awkward, just as unfamiliar. Kame hasn't touched him much when he's worn girls' clothing; tonight, Jin's only got himself.
He knows his own body well enough - better than Kame, though Kame's been doing his best to remedy this. Or had been, till the blindfold incident. There's no telling when they'll next have the chance, or if Kame will even deign to touch him then, too afraid of doing something wrong.
Jin won't do anything wrong. This is okay, making himself feel good like this, watching his skin darken in the mirror as the flush spreads over his chest, down beneath the camisole where his hand strokes a comfortable, familiar rhythm through the fabric. This is going to be messy, but it's not like he can return the gift.
He deserves to feel good, to feel beautiful in his own skin, even if it doesn't always feel like it belongs to him. Tonight he's happy to be himself. His other hand curls around the strap, low enough not to brush the ticklish zone, fingers clenching as his body contracts and he sinks down on the bed, flopping onto his back with legs spread wide. He's sweating and sticky now; Pi's present will be going straight in the laundry, once he regains sufficient control to move.
Later, after a shower, he wonders if it's worth laundering the lingerie after all. Would he ever wear it again? Under his clothing, at work or on a night out? In the bedroom, for someone who might not even want to see it? For himself, for cool elegance against his skin when he feels like an uncoordinated mess?
It can be tucked away in the drawer, he decides. Maybe one day he'll wear it again, if he figures out why.
But in the meantime, there's no harm in checking out the website on Tegoshi's list. Maybe they'll have something in red.
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Series: Transjinder
Pairing: Kame x Jin
Rating: R, just to be safe
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 6,773
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: Kame gets ambushed in a supermarket, Yamapi shops on Tegoshi's advice, and Jin considers on-line shopping
Crossposted at AO3
If you're curious, I was looking at this store for inspiration.
Retail Therapy
When episode eight of Split airs, Kame watches it at home and tries to gauge whether or not he looks like he almost knocked himself out during filming. His character, Nishikawa, seems pained and tired, but that's to be expected. He doesn't look like someone concealing a bleeding lump under his dyed black hair, at least. They'd had to reshoot some of it anyway, notably the scene where he'd tripped and cracked his head on the desk, so there's not much left to suggest he'd been feeling under the weather that day even before his accident.
Self-inflicted. He's trying not to dwell on it now, what happened with Jin. With Jin, Kame, Nishikawa...and Kage. Jin hadn't signed up for a foursome. Two bodies, four personalities, and only two of them real.
Though that's a lie too, because they've both got other faces. Everyone does, in their line of work. It's a matter of survival. Give the public everything you've got and you'll have nothing for yourself; friends and family fight over the bare bones and leave you hollow.
But Kame and Jin have been friends for far too long to be deceived, even if they can't always read each other properly. Sometimes they have to ask.
Kame needs to stop doing that. Asking, that is. It's getting on Jin's nerves. It's been over a week since that night and Kame's attempts to discreetly check up on Jin with cleverly camouflaged questions of concern have met with little in the way of response. Jin insists that he is fine, that he bears Kame no ill will...but they haven't seen each other since the following evening, and Kame can't tell if there's anything behind the usual casual messages.
He'd like to get together and see for himself. Unfortunately, there's no time. They're filming the penultimate episode of the drama now, which will air the day before Valentine's Day, so the jokes are flying thick and fast around the set. It's in the script: Tamai feels sorry for Nishikawa, who hasn't been the same since Satou's death, and buys him obligation chocolate to try cheer him up a little. Not that she'll admit to this, of course, and when other officers rib her about it she threatens them until they back off. No one wants a broken nose on Valentine's Day.
Kame hasn't received proper Valentine's chocolate for years. He doesn't think he's likely to get any this year, either. Not the homemade stuff. It's probably not in Jin's repertoire, even if he felt inclined to make it, and while he's western enough to ignore the whole "Valentine's Day is for girls" thing - or girly enough, possibly - it's doubtful he'd make it himself.
He's not like Kame, who routinely cooks for other people and loves seeing the smiles on their faces when they enjoy something he's prepared. Sweet or savoury, it doesn't matter.
Why not chocolate?
They don't have the most conventional relationship in the world - didn't even before they got involved - and there's no law that says Kame can't make chocolate for his other half. He just can't tell anyone about it. There have already been a couple of tabloid articles about the affair he's possibly having with Meisa but no one's come right out and asked him if he's seeing anyone - they do that to Jin, more - and if asked, he'll only admit to receiving chocolates from his niece. That's safe enough for the agency.
It's got to be less complicated than Split's Valentine's plotline.
Tamai's already getting questions about whether or not she's making chocolate for her partner from the guys at the station - mostly the ones who wouldn't receive any in a million years. No way is she giving Nishikawa his chocolate at work. It's bought, not handmade, but it's good, department store stuff, not picked up at a conbini, and maybe it'll make him smile.
Not that there's much to smile about, with Satou dead and Shadow Unit no closer to finding Kage. Nishikawa's not been the same since Satou's death, and no matter how much Tamai insists otherwise, he still blames himself. Chocolate can't relieve guilt but it can make you feel better. Tamai knows only too well; keeps a stash at home for those long, fruitless days when someone dies because the police haven't caught the killer yet.
She takes the chocolates to work, keeping them in her locker till the end of the day. More paperwork, more questions, more tension all around and Nishikawa's jumpy enough that Takahashi refuses to let him drink any more coffee. He's a good guy, Nishikawa. Tamai ribs him for it all the time but as partners go, she could do a lot worse. He's not as cautious anymore, not so strict about playing by the rules, and she likes that. It's the only good thing to have come from this case.
She plans to catch him after work, slip him the small, gift-wrapped box when no one can see, but Chief Nakata stops her for a word and by the time she extricates herself from the conversation, Nishikawa's long gone. No matter - she knows where he lives.
They're going to have fun filming this one, Kame thinks. It's time for Tamai's blindfold to come off. That scene, they've already got. What they don't have yet is that all-too-crucial scene where Tamai finds out. That's for tomorrow, though the aftermath, which is all Meisa and no Kame, is scheduled for last, in a few day's time. Nearly there. One last episode to film...plus a hell of a lot of promo material. Free time's still going to be at a premium for a little while.
No time to see Jin yet. Maybe that's for the best. He'll move automatically, reach for Jin, wanting to hold him, to kiss him, and maybe Jin will turn away again. He's got every right. Maybe Kame's got no right to expect otherwise anymore.
-----
Jin wishes Kame would stop sending him coded messages. As nice as it is to feel like some kind of super spy, he'd prefer a straightforward "how are you?" to "were there any problems at the hairdresser?", which is clearly Kame trying to find out if he ran out screaming after being pinned to a chair and attacked with scissors.
He always responds to the messages, naturally, but nothing he says seems to be the magic phrase that'll stop Kame worrying that he's done a very bad thing.
"Kame again?" Yamapi asks when Jin's phone comes to life during lunch. "I never thought he was so...clingy."
Jin clicks out of the message before Pi can steal it away to read. It can wait. "He's not. Not normally. Must be the drama making him a little crazy."
"His drama's making me a little crazy," Yamapi says. "Have you seen it?"
"More than I'd like." Jin stares down at the bowl of ramen, trying not to see Kage in the noodles. "I think we'll both be glad when it's over."
It's the drama's fault, definitely. The drama's made it weird between them, no matter how much they managed to resolve on that car ride back to Kame's place. Jin wonders how long it'll take before Kame stops feeling guilty. Not too much longer, he hopes. The longer they spend apart, the easier it is for Kame to talk himself into believing he's somehow broken Jin.
That, Jin can tell him, is complete and utter nonsense. Jin knows what it's like to feel broken, to feel worthless, to feel like nothing in the universe matters anymore because none of it makes one damned bit of difference. This isn't it.
This is...a slight technical hitch, a momentary digression, a tiny bump in the road. They can get past this, assuming Kame doesn't drive them both completely up the wall in the meantime.
Not that Jin minds the daily contact. It's kind of nice to have the reminder that he's with someone, after so long alone. What they'll do when he goes back to America for work, he's not sure, but no point thinking about that now.
"You have the soppiest grin," Yamapi says, poking Jin with the handle of his spoon. "Must be love."
Jin immediately tries to school his expression into something less like a lovestruck heroine from a romance novel. Pi's laughter suggests that his efforts are futile.
"Aren't you going to write back?"
"Later." Jin tucks his phone away. "It's just about my hair. It can wait."
"If he even notices you had an inch chopped off, you've reached 'old married couple' stage."
"Two inches." To get rid of the split ends. Jin changes his hair a fair bit, though not nearly as often as Kame, but for now he's keeping it long enough to play with. Long enough to pin up, when he wants to look elegant - not that often - and long enough to tie back when he can't be bothered, which is a lot of the time. He likes it when Kame runs his fingers through it, too, though there's no telling when that'll happen next. "And I don't expect anyone to notice except my fans."
Yamapi nods. "They catch everything. I wish my eyesight was that good."
"Kame's isn't."
"So you're not making yourself pretty for him, 'cause he can't see it anyway?"
Jin doesn't want to be photographed flipping off his best friend in the middle of a restaurant, so he contents himself with scoffing at the teasing. "What do you mean, make myself pretty?"
"Like everyone else getting ready for Valentine's Day. Your cooking skills improved enough to make chocolate yet?"
Jin's been expecting it to come, sooner or later, but that doesn't make it any less awkward. He shrugs, conscious that Yamapi's not just messing around, he's actually asking questions, only he's concealing them with jokes. "Are you kidding me? I'd blow up my kitchen if I tried. What makes you think I'm making chocolate?"
"You know..." Pi couldn't sound more uncomfortable if he tried. "You. The girl thing. Valentine's."
"And?" Jin feels a little bad, needling his best friend like this, but if Yamapi's got something to say, better he says it now, doesn't leave it to fester for another few months while he attempts to find more tactful phrasing.
"And..." Yamapi huffs, suddenly sitting up straight with a touch more resolve in his voice. "And I got curious. About you and Kame. How you..."
"I don't think you want me to sit here and tell you about my sex life over lunch, Pi." Especially given what happened last time he and Kame had sex, and that's something Jin's never telling anyone else about. Ever.
Yamapi makes a face that suggests he's just found a Junior doing the backstroke in his bowl. "You're right, I don't. I don't want to hear about it after lunch, either. But that's not what I meant. It's just...he likes guys, right? And I didn't think you did till the two of you hooked up. You never said anything."
"Because I didn't know."
Jin stalls for time by sipping his water, trying to organise his thoughts into words Yamapi stands a chance of understanding. They've only ever talked about girls before. Lots of girls. Girls in clubs and bars, who press against them with tight clothes and smooth skin. Girls at work, who take their photos and do their make-up, watching them from beneath coloured lashes as they smile for the camera. Girls in movies. Girls on TV. Girls on the street who happen to catch their eye. Jin's used to being able to turn to Yamapi - to any of his friends, really - and talk about girls, and know that they're on the same page.
Not anymore. Yamapi's still seeing girls, and Jin hasn't been with one for ages. Sometimes he feels like he's forgotten how. What to say, what to do. He doesn't have to try to impress Kame. All he has to do is be himself, a technique which hasn't worked terribly well on girls in the past.
It's not likely to work now, either, unless they're into guys who sometimes feel like girls.
Jin looks around the tiny restaurant for inspiration, finding it in a young man and woman sitting by the door. He points as discreetly as he can. "You see the couple over there? The girl with the red streak in her hair and the guy she's with? When you look at them, what do you think? Him first."
"Do you know them?" Yamapi asks, and Jin panics for a second because what if Yamapi knows them?
"No. Do you?"
"No."
"So tell me about them," Jin says. "What's your impression?"
Yamapi grabs a menu for cover, peering over the top to study the young couple. "I have no idea why I'm doing this, but okay. He's...probably a few years younger than me. Looks like he dyes his hair, seems to be left-handed-"
"You're not Sherlock Holmes," Jin interrupts. "I mean, do you think he's...attractive? Do you look at him and want to sleep with him?"
"No!"
"Neither do I. Now look at the girl. Same thing."
This time there's more of a flicker in Yamapi's eyes - though not that much of one, since he's got a girlfriend and therefore not looking to meet anyone. It's a look Jin knows well. "The red streak doesn't suit her very well but she's pretty, especially when she smiles."
"I think she's pretty too," Jin says. "But you know what the first thing I notice about her is? Her shirt. I want to know where she got it so I can get one myself."
The shirt in question happens to be black with a pair of pink penguins holding hands on the front, sleeves ending in points just past the wrist, the neck cut in a low V. It's cute. It's not uncommon to see guys wearing that kind of shirt, especially in their line of work, but it's not the sort of thing Jin normally buys for himself.
"Kame would probably like the shirt too," he continues. "But he wouldn't have to think twice about wearing it. He doesn't care. He'd probably think she's pretty too, but he'd never go out with her."
"He's got you," Yamapi says lightly, then catches himself. "I didn't mean it like that."
"Yeah, you did. It's okay." Jin sighs. "I'm not his girlfriend."
"Boyfriend?"
"I...it's complicated. I don't think Kame cares about that, either. He likes me - has done for a long time. You knew that long before I did."
Yamapi gives him an apologetic smile. "I can't help what he tells me when he's drunk. He's a cute drunk, though. Very into holding hands."
"As long as holding your hand was all he did," Jin says, threat half-implied and mostly a joke.
"Well, there was that one time he threw himself at me in a karaoke booth-" is as far as Yamapi gets before Jin kicks him under the table. He catches the table leg as well, which shakes their bowls, slopping the broth down the sides.
"Oops."
"I can't take you anywhere." Yamapi steals Jin's napkin to wipe up the mess and starts dabbing at the table. "You know Kame's a kissing monster when he's drunk. You both are. You probably kissed each other years ago and never noticed."
That would've been worse for Kame, Jin figures. At least he's making up for it now - or will, if they ever have time to see each other again. Good thing there's not much left to film of the drama.
"I'm sure someone would've tried to blackmail us by now, in that case."
"Good point."
They both know by 'someone' Jin means 'Ryo'. As they finish the remains of their lunch, he says, "I can't explain it any better, sorry, but that was the difference. Did it make any sense?"
Yamapi grins. "You never make any sense. I think I'm more confused now, but it doesn't matter to me how you guys work it out, as long as you're happy. You're happy, right?"
"Yeah, I-" Jin breaks off as he realises the couple they've been watching have left. "I wanted to find out where she bought the shirt!"
"Try asking Tegoshi," Yamapi suggests. "I don't think there's much he doesn't know about where to buy girls' stuff."
"Not if he was the last idol on Earth," Jin says, and that is that.
-----
Yamapi's the last person Kame expects to run into while shopping for ingredients. He doesn't have time to make chocolate completely from scratch, grinding the beans and all, but he certainly doesn't want to go down the store-bought route. He wants to make something special, something Jin will bite into and know just how much thought Kame put into it. Not for thanks, or for praise, but because he cares.
Kame's looking at the range of chilli powders, wondering how hot Jin likes his chocolate, when Yamapi pops up beside him and plucks one from the shelf with a cheery wave.
"I was going to get that one!" Kame mock-protests.
Yamapi grins and pops another one in Kame's basket, where it joins a tub of cream and some cocoa powder. "That must be some curry you're making."
"I don't put cocoa in my curry." Kame looks down at his basket and reconsiders the chilli. He exchanges the mild powder with a medium one. Jin's tastebuds can take it. "This is for chocolate."
"Chocolate?"
One look at Yamapi's face and Kame knows where his mind's going. "Yes, chocolate. I can cook, you know."
"I remember." Having tasted Kame's cooking before, Yamapi sounds genuinely fond, though not at all sincere when he says, "Helping your niece bake for an elementary school boyfriend?"
"Not unless I want to take the roof of his mouth off. This one's strictly for adults."
"He seems like a kid half the time, that guy."
"Yeah, he-" Kame stops. "I didn't say who I was making chocolate for."
"It's Valentine's Day next week. Who else would you be making it for?"
Kame turns to scan the aisle for potential eavesdroppers. The supermarket's not exactly the most incriminating place to be seen talking to Yamapi, but it's easy for someone to get close enough to listen in. "He did mention you knew. I don't normally do it. Make chocolate, that is. But I thought it might be nice. Not a girlfriend-boyfriend thing, just...two people who like each other." He turns back to Yamapi. "Surprised?"
"Not...surprised," Yamapi says carefully, "I was kidding him before about making you chocolate, what with him being...the way he is."
"He'd set fire to the kitchen."
"Yeah, he said something similar." They share a knowing laugh at Jin's expense, familiar with his particular brand of culinary expertise. "I just got curious about how you see him, I guess."
"Probably not the same way you do. At least, I hope not!" Kame catches himself in the middle of a laugh, because that's not strictly true, and shakes his head. "We've both known him for years, and he's grown a lot in that time, but I don't think he's really changed, not where it counts. My view hasn't changed that much either, except now I'm not a tiny little Junior standing in his shadow, desperately hoping he'll think I'm cool."
Yamapi nods. "No, now you're a tiny little debuted idol, and you already know he thinks you're cool."
Kame doesn't want to know what Jin thinks of him at the moment. Most likely that he's some kind of stalker with an emoji addiction. "We're seeing the same person through different lenses," he explains. "You get to see a side of him that I don't, and it's the same for me, but he's still the same person."
"So...you still see him as a guy?"
"I see him as...Jin."
Yamapi looks down, laughing. "I should've expected that."
"I get what you're trying to ask - I think - but I don't have an answer for you. Yes, Jin's situation makes things a little more complicated, but that's for us to figure out. It doesn't make any difference to you. Ah!" Kame has a sudden flash of inspiration and hopes he's right. It makes more sense than Yamapi suddenly taking an interest in his sex life, after all. "It doesn't mean anything has to change between the two of you.
"Unless something already has?"
"It's not that I think anything's going to change, but..."
As far as Kame knows, Jin's been fairly discreet with his friends, with only Yamapi and Ryo aware of his gender dysphoria. He's never mentioned to Kame anything about dressing up around them, and it's hard to tell exactly how much they've been exposed to his girly side. Easy to remain unaffected when you don't see the consequences.
But now Jin's in a relationship - with a man, which thankfully doesn't appear to be the issue at hand - and that raises all sorts of questions. There are only two people Yamapi can ask, and it sounds like he's already tried Jin.
Kame leans closer, hoping no one decides to choose this moment to shop for chilli powder. "Has he asked you to treat him any differently? Has he ever come right out and said he wants you to change the way you think about him?"
"Of course not!"
"Then what makes you think anything's going to change?"
Yamapi's got the height and build advantage but right now he might as well be a confused little kid, tugging on Kame's sleeve for answers to questions he doesn't even know how to ask.
"Because he wouldn't ask me! He talked about other people, wanting them to see him differently, but he sat there with me and Ryo and didn't ask us to do anything for him. And I want," Yamapi's voice is rough, heavy with emotion he's having to hold back because damnit, they're in a supermarket and idols just can't go around emoting all over the place, "I want to be able to do something for him. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable around me."
Kame snorts. "Uncomfortable around you? You do realise how ridiculous that sounds, right? You're one of the privileged few who can actually make him feel at ease."
"Then why won't he be himself around me?"
"Jin's always himself." Kame realises he's leaned in too far and pretends to give his undivided attention to the label on a jar of oregano. "Or were you expecting him to show up for your nights out in a skirt and heels?"
Yamapi hides his embarrassment behind a packet of mixed herbs. Maybe they can pretend they're preparing for a celebrity cooking special or something. "I don't know. Maybe. I haven't seen him wear anything girly - more girly than usual, anyway - since we did a photoshoot together, and even then he had to change."
Interesting, Kame thinks. He can understand Jin not wanting to dress up in front of Ryo, because no matter how well-intentioned, there will inevitably be mocking. Yamapi is another matter. Not that there won't be mocking, but it'll sound nicer.
"I think you're putting too much importance on appearance," Kame says flatly. "I don't know exactly what he told you, but it's not like he suddenly flips a switch and changes mode. He might not be having a girly day when he sees you, you know."
"Does he have them with you?"
"Sometimes." This is not going to do anything to resolve Yamapi's problems, and it's not going to get Kame his ingredients, either. There's a limit to how long he's prepared to stand in a supermarket with a rapidly-warming tub of cream. "Talk to Jin about it, okay? He's not deliberately trying to leave you out, I know that much, but talking to me isn't going to help."
"Talking to Jin about it probably won't help either," Yamapi says. "How do I say, 'I think I'm finally okay with it if you're a girl around me'?"
"Try, 'I think I'm finally okay with it if you're a girl around me'," Kame suggests. It doesn't escape his notice that Pi's not saying 'like a girl', which is a marked improvement.
He leaves Yamapi holding the mixed herbs, escaping just as a group of middle-aged women at the end of the aisle realise they're there. He grins apologetically over his shoulder as Yamapi disappears in the mob. He can get out of this one on his own.
-----
That's playing dirty. He'll get revenge on Kame later - maybe take him out drinking again and leave him dancing on the tables in nothing but his underwear - but for now, Yamapi's more concerned with extricating himself from the band of housewives. Seven autographs and a photo refusal later, he makes it back to his car, his shopping basket still somewhere in the middle of the aisle. He didn't really need that milk anyway.
What he does need is a way to prove to Jin that it's okay, that he doesn't have to hide pieces of himself just because he thinks his friends will take it badly. If there's one thing you can count on about being in Johnny's, it's that men in make-up are as common as teenage girls at a Hey!Say!JUMP concert, and probably prettier. Jin certainly is, not that it's wise to say that to him.
Or maybe it is, since Yamapi has no idea if Jin wants people to think he's pretty when he's...like that. Most of the time he'd rather people didn't pay attention to his looks, and that works out fine because hey, they're guys, they don't sit around and compliment each other on their hair. (Well, maybe Kame does, but Kame also paints his toenails and wears women's sandals. He's in a league of his own.)
If there's an etiquette book for this kind of situation Yamapi's never read it, and he doubts it exists in Japanese. It still surprises him even now, that he can see Jin in eyeliner and wonder if it's for work or pleasure. With almost anyone else it wouldn't even be a question. As always, Jin is a law unto himself.
The best way to communicate anything to Jin is to tell him straight out, so there can be no misunderstandings, and to do it with more than just words. Good thing that after all these years of trading clothes back and forth, Yamapi has a reasonably good idea of his best friend's measurements.
-----
"You're way too early for my birthday." Jin's holding the plain black shopping bag like it's about to explode, dangling it from two fingers at arm's length while Yamapi stands in the doorway. "Or is this a replacement for that shirt you wrecked?"
"Neither, but you might want to close your front door before you open it."
Jin shoots him a suspicious look but obeys, stepping back so Yamapi can take off his shoes. He's lucky to have caught him at home; Jin's mails, sent at odd intervals during the day, have pushed this little meeting back further and further after a day spent taking shop pictures, a shoot for SODA, and a meeting to discuss the upcoming tour. It's nine in the evening and this is the only night Yamapi's got free now till the day before Valentine's Day - and he certainly doesn't want to be giving this kind of gift to Jin then.
"Open it," Yamapi says when they sit down. He thinks it might be easier to explain after Jin's seen what's inside. "It's not from Ryo and it doesn't bite."
"If it could bite, you wouldn't be giving it to me in a carrier bag," Jin points out. "What is it?"
"Explanations afterwards."
Jin snorts and reaches into the bag, pulling all the contents out together and knocking the carrier to the floor. He unfolds the mound of black nylon in his lap and holds up a camisole with tiny spaghetti straps, and a pair of matching flared shorts. Very short shorts. These definitely aren't boxers.
It takes Jin a second to register what he's holding. "Did...you mix up the bags? Shouldn't this have gone to Keiko? Are you even still seeing Keiko?"
"No, and no." But Yamapi doesn't want to talk about his love life. "It's for you."
"You got me women's underwear, Pi!"
Yamapi shakes his head, smiling proudly. "Nope. Men's. Check the labels."
Jin does - twice. It's hard to tell if he's feeling anything but confused; Yamapi hopes he won't be offended by the present. Jin can feel slighted by the oddest things, sometimes...but then, most men don't buy lingerie for their best friends in the hope that they'll seriously wear it.
"Why...what..." Jin sets the undergarments down on the cushion. "Um...I've never worn this kind of stuff. When it's not for work, I mean. I don't...uh..."
"Ah." Yamapi winces, embarrassed for both of them. Clearly he's overestimated Jin's girliness. Maybe he should've gone with make-up. Or a handbag. Girls like handbags. "Sorry. I just wanted...I wanted to do something to say it was okay, you know? That it won't bother me if you wear stuff like this around me."
"Pi, this is underwear. If I wore stuff like this around you, you'd never know."
"I guess that's true..."
"Where did you even get this?"
"Called Tegoshi for suggestions." At Jin's horrified face he hastily adds, "Without mentioning your name. I told him it was for a drama part."
Jin sinks back against the cushions, relieved not to have the spectre of Tegoshi hanging over him. "I don't want to know why he knows where to buy men's lingerie."
"I don't know either," Yamapi assures him. "But I don't think it's the same reason I thought you might wear it. He gave me the names of a couple of shops, and there's a website too. They had cute doughnut-print stuff." He pulls out a crumpled piece of paper. "Here. I wrote them down for you. Just in case."
Jin takes the paper without looking, shoves it in the pocket with his phone. "I get that you're trying to help, and I'm grateful, but this isn't...you know..." He scratches his neck, like he can erase the awkwardness with his nails. "I kind of prefer to pick out my own clothes. Comfortable things."
"This is totally comfortable!"
"You've tried it on?"
"No, but the guy in the store kept telling me how nice it felt." Amongst other things, but Yamapi doesn't think Jin wants to hear about that. Next time he'll go in with a better cover story. How was he supposed to know the clerk was a fan?
Not that there will be a next time. If Jin wants more, he can go get it himself, and it doesn't look like that will be the case.
"Well, I can't take it back." Yamapi shrugs. "If you don't want it, you can get rid of it. It doesn't matter."
"I didn't say that, but...I haven't really thought about it before." Jin's hair is tied back, leaving his face free from cover and significantly more flushed than it was when Yamapi arrived. "Like, wearing things underneath, where no one can see."
"Not even Kame?" slips out, and Yamapi smiles and waves an apologetic hand.
"Maybe Kame. But no one else." Jin is very firm about this. No one could accuse him of being an exhibitionist these days, not when he wears so many layers it's as though his skin ignites if exposed to the air. "The whole time, I've been trying to be...I guess, different in a way people can see? So they know? But sort of not, at the same time."
Because then he'd be on hiatus again, and it wouldn't be his idea this time. The agency likes variety in its idols, but only up to a point. After that, you'd better play by the rules, better look the part and say it like you mean it. Talk about the type of girl you like, not the type of girl you'd like to be. Talk about wearing women's perfume, maybe, but not women's underwear, because that's not every fan's fantasy.
Okay, so the underwear in question is actually for men and wouldn't fit too many women, but the point still stands. Jin can wear women's tops in public and no one will give it too much thought. But if he takes his shirt off in a studio dressing room when there are witnesses, the camisole's not going to go down too well. There's no way he can pass this one off as a vest. Good thing the clerk had suggested staying away from the bras.
It's not quite a revelation but Yamapi feels a little more clued-in now, a little more aware of the dozens of things Jin probably has to take into account when getting dressed. Someone else's life would be easier. One not spent in the entertainment industry, where image is everything and you spend half your time getting changed.
"Up to you," Yamapi says. "Next time I'll get you a handbag. Hey! I'm being serious!"
Serious, he might be, but Jin's still laughing at him. "Don't get me anything! I'll buy my own. I know what your taste in handbags is like!"
If they can laugh at each other - laugh with each other - then things are normal. Things are good. Yamapi hasn't broken some mysterious commandment that says thou shalt not buy lingerie for thy best friend. Jin's not about to throw it back in his face and show him the door, bitterly offended and vowing never to speak to him again. They're okay.
When Jin finally does show him the door, two hours later, after a couple of beers and a bad American comedy made worse by incomprehensible subtitles, Yamapi's not sure whether or not he managed to get his point across. Or if he even had a point at all, come to that. Jin seems relaxed enough, however, and the lingerie's back in the bag, sitting on the table, presumably waiting for disposal.
Maybe he'd have preferred the doughnut-print set.
-----
Jin closes the front door, locks it behind him as he scans the room to make sure Pi didn't forget anything. If he did, it can wait till morning. Jin's not opening the door again tonight. He's closing the curtains, turning down the lights till nothing seems real anymore, or maybe that's the alcohol blurring the edges for him so he doesn't have to think about this too much.
The bag's still there. He could leave it, could throw it out in the morning - carefully, because he wouldn't put it past some of his crazier fans to check out his trash.
But he's not going to. This is that bright red dress all over again, trying it on for size. This is the first sweep of colour over his lips, years ago, alone in his bathroom and scared to death of his own feelings.
He's braver now, and this is a gift from his best friend, after all. From someone he trusts, someone who cares so much about him that he's willing to do things that make him uncomfortable just to make Jin feel better.
Besides, if he doesn't try, he'll never know.
Jin takes the bag through to his bedroom, where no one can peer through the door and catch him in the act. He opens the wardrobe for the full-length mirror inside and strips quickly, shedding clothes till there's nothing left but skin, slightly flushed with anticipation.
Shorts first. They fit - no surprise, given who'd picked them out - and the flare across Jin's thighs isn't bad. He couldn't wear them outside as proper shorts, but as men's underwear they'll pass, just about.
Then the camisole. Jin almost tears one of the tiny straps trying to get his arms in the right place; they're adjustable, he can tighten or loosen them as necessary. He smooths the soft, slinky fabric down over his stomach, secretly pleased by the neat, even fall over the shorts. Not too bad, not too bad. He could pass for an eccentric athlete, perhaps.
Or perhaps not. Jin's seen enough lingerie - usually from the other side - to know it when he sees it, and he's not going to fool anyone like this. It feels...feels good, sort of. Like he's dressed up for a special night, a special someone - only tonight, that someone is himself. He slides a finger under the right strap, following it down to his chest where the camisole bulges ever so slightly from time spent at the gym.
Then a hand down his side, ribs under fabric till he reaches his hip. The lingerie helps him look like he's hiding the curves he doesn't have, childbearing hips he's got no use for. He rests his hand there, uses the other to tug the band from his hair and tease it down around his neck, a soft, tangled mass of waves, ready for Kame to comb through with his fingers as he kisses his way down Jin's throat, into the slight dip in the fabric.
Jin looks directly into the mirror, taking in the overall picture. In the bedroom light his eyes are darker than usual, half-hidden by hair, and they rake him up and down with obvious interest. There's a pretty young thing in the looking glass, gender unimportant, sleek and sultry and in total control. Jet black fabric holds it all in, all that energy, wrapping it up in a layer of elegance that provides power to the wearer, a distance to keep unwanted chaos at bay.
The garments aren't tight in the slightest; nevertheless, Jin feels confined - not, for once, in a bad way. He's hiding himself in plain sight, covering up his male body. The camisole falls low enough it's hard to tell there's anything in his shorts at all - at least until he passes a hand over himself and thinks about Kame seeing him like this, maybe unbuttoning his shirt to find this underneath. That's enough to pique his interest a little.
But Kame's not here tonight. Kame's probably still on the set. There's just Jin, keeping this secret to himself, glamour girl with a hidden side and a hand cupping the front of his shorts. This is like the first time he ever jerked off, wondering if he was doing it right because it seemed to be taking a while to get anywhere and he didn't want his mum to walk in and find him. Or maybe the first time he'd had sex with a girl, both of them young and awkward and incapable of thinking straight till it was over. This is just as awkward, just as unfamiliar. Kame hasn't touched him much when he's worn girls' clothing; tonight, Jin's only got himself.
He knows his own body well enough - better than Kame, though Kame's been doing his best to remedy this. Or had been, till the blindfold incident. There's no telling when they'll next have the chance, or if Kame will even deign to touch him then, too afraid of doing something wrong.
Jin won't do anything wrong. This is okay, making himself feel good like this, watching his skin darken in the mirror as the flush spreads over his chest, down beneath the camisole where his hand strokes a comfortable, familiar rhythm through the fabric. This is going to be messy, but it's not like he can return the gift.
He deserves to feel good, to feel beautiful in his own skin, even if it doesn't always feel like it belongs to him. Tonight he's happy to be himself. His other hand curls around the strap, low enough not to brush the ticklish zone, fingers clenching as his body contracts and he sinks down on the bed, flopping onto his back with legs spread wide. He's sweating and sticky now; Pi's present will be going straight in the laundry, once he regains sufficient control to move.
Later, after a shower, he wonders if it's worth laundering the lingerie after all. Would he ever wear it again? Under his clothing, at work or on a night out? In the bedroom, for someone who might not even want to see it? For himself, for cool elegance against his skin when he feels like an uncoordinated mess?
It can be tucked away in the drawer, he decides. Maybe one day he'll wear it again, if he figures out why.
But in the meantime, there's no harm in checking out the website on Tegoshi's list. Maybe they'll have something in red.