[JE] [TJ13] Straight Curveballs
Title: Straight Curveballs
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Series: Transjinder
Pairing: Kame x Jin (one-sided), Kame/other
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 7,009
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: This isn't who he's supposed to be. Kamenashi Kazuya isn't gay, or bi, or anything that isn't straight, because that's not what his fans want.
A/N: Another #transjinder prequel, this time from Kame's POV. Crossposted at AO3
Straight Curveballs
Kame's excited to be in New York. He can see American teams playing his beloved baseball, he can take pictures all over the city with KAT-TUN, and he can listen to Jin fall in love with the US one mangled English sentence at a time. Jin doesn't stop talking. Jin could keep going all day, marvelling over every single sight in between mouthfuls of hot dogs and pretzels, till someone finally tells him he needs to shut up now so they can take photos.
It's their first photobook and they're still awed by the agency taking them all the way to New York to shoot it. KAT-TUN haven't even debuted, though they've had their own concerts already. They've sold the tickets, they've got the fans. Whether they've got enough to recoup the costs of this photobook, Kame doesn't know, but he gives it his all anyway, smiling brightly for the camera and trying to look like he's worth all the money that's being spent on this trip.
On the other side of the tree, Jin's his mirror image. They've got similar hair at the moment and sometimes Kame does a double-take when he sees pictures of the two of them together. Twins. Maybe the fans will like that. Kame likes it, being like Jin. Jin's older, taller, though scarcely more mature. Jin can sing, really sing, in a way most of the Juniors can't even dream about, and he can dance, too.
It shouldn't be fair. Everyone's got something but Jin's got most of all, and everyone knows it. Especially Kame. Jin looked at the awkward, scrawny, baseball brat and saw the same thing as Johnny, and Kame can't figure out if that makes Jin some kind of genius or just the least picky guy in the world about his friends.
Whichever it is, Jin's his friend and Kame feels lucky to have him. Jin's aiming for the stars, and Kame plans to be right there beside him as he climbs the steps. They'll make it, the six of them together, and one day they'll have a CD debut.
Not today. Today they're running around Central Park, playing hide-and-seek in the trees, teasing the camera as they remember the kids they used to be. You don't stay young for long when you start doing this for real. Kame's learned that lesson already. Work colours your life like nothing else.
If not for work, he wouldn't be holding hands with Jin for the camera. He doesn't do it with his old schoolfriends, or baseball teammates. He doesn't do it with his family, or with the neighbours who tease him gently about his budding idol career. This is work. Holding hands with Jin is work. Cuddling Jin at the photographer's command is work. Dancing with Jin on Shounen Club is work.
But the feeling he gets when Jin looks at him as if he's the one shining brightest of all, that's not work. Jin watches him from behind his bangs, from around corners, from behind trees and over the tops of cushions, and Kame should find it creepy to have Jin's gaze fixed on him like that.
He doesn't. His stomach's not doing somersaults from fear, he knows that much, even if he's not sure what to call this yet. Jin's happy, Jin's laughing and carefree and in love with the world, and Kame would sooner die than see him lose his joy. He squeezes Jin's fingers a little tighter. Jin squeezes back, grin becoming even more playful, and Kame thinks maybe he does have a name for this feeling after all.
It's not like what he feels for girls. Girls are exciting, mysterious creatures he's still trying to get to grips with. He doesn't have to do that with Jin. He knows Jin. Kame's kissed girls - for real - and he's never kissed Jin, not without it being orchestrated from behind the camera, but this is more intimate, somehow. He's got Jin's heart in his hands today, could break it with a word, and that's a bond deeper than he's ever had with a girl.
Kame chalks it up to spending most of his time in a male-only environment and keeps it to himself. Jin never needs to know.
-----
Shounen Club skits are not known for being realistic. Ueda's not really an old man (even if he is a bit weird), yellow helmets don't really grant wishes, and Jin's not really married to Kame.
But sometimes it's nice to pretend. The wig doesn't suit Jin at all but it's better than Kame's, which makes him feel about a million years old, and like he has to do the voice to match. Kame gets to watch Jin make cutesy faces at him, gets to watch Jin clasp his hands together under his chin like the dainty young girl he isn't, for all that he's so skinny. It's almost unnerving how much Jin throws himself into playing the housewife.
Just as much as he'd thrown himself into playing the nurse, back at the start of the year. Another skit, a different dress, but still linked to Kame - this time by playing nurse to Kame's doctor, a scenario which would've involved considerably more than light flirting had it not been on Shounen Club. They're always thrown together now, might even have debuted as a duo if they hadn't been in a group of six. Kame likes that. He can be close to Jin all he wants and he's even getting paid for it.
He's had the same lecture all the Juniors get about discretion. Don't let the press catch you smoking, no signs of underage drinking please, and above all else, never let your fans find out when you have a girlfriend. Cosy up to your bandmates all you want and the girls will love you for it, but take up with an actual girl and your name will be mud, especially if there are pictures.
It's not such a worry for the younger kids, who are still in school and see this as a fun, part-time activity. A club they get paid to be in. For people like Kame and Jin, who've dropped out of high school and are now putting everything on the line, a leaked photo can mean the difference between stardom and obscurity. Kame desperately doesn't want to see that happen. He listens to all of Takki's advice like his life depends on it.
So when he sees girls, he plays it safe. No one more famous than himself, who might have stalkers watching her every move. No one controversial. No one who wants to be with him simply because he's KAT-TUN's Kamenashi Kazuya and he's going to be a star. It's tough to meet people normally now but he tries, and he keeps his private life away from the camera. He has fun, always, but there's something missing. It takes him a long time to figure out that it's intimacy.
-----
By the time he and Jin start filming Gokusen, they don't look remotely like twins. Jin is brown and gold, a fluffy puppy with silver shoes and dark red lips. Kame is burnished copper, pale and silent, and the only place they match is in their artificial bruises. This time they're not playing husband and wife, nor doctor and nurse. They're playing schoolfriends, the very best - once their characters resolve their issues and bury the hatchet, anyway. Till then, Hayato and Ryu glower at each other across the room, seconds away from throwing punches.
It's a different friendship. KAT-TUN have fought in the past, and they still do it even now, but it's nothing like this. Kame couldn't hit Jin like this, couldn't leave him with bruised lips and a bloodstained shirt. They might wrestle, might compete to see who's the strongest and it's an even chance who'd win, but they'd never hate. Kame celebrates his nineteenth birthday on the set and Jin sings him a greeting; Kame joins in, the way Ryu never would. This isn't about him turning nineteen - it's about them celebrating it together.
Kame doesn't have time for girls right now, but he's always got time for Jin. Jin runs lines with him, Jin goes to massages with him when they're feeling battered and bruised by the drama, Jin teases him about how Ryu's always so uptight and won't let Hayato have any fun. Jin manages to find time for girls, but he doesn't tell Kame about them and Kame would rather not hear. He likes having Jin to himself like this.
Maybe it's creepy, maybe it's weird. Kame tries not to think too much about it. Everyone has someone they look up to, right? Someone they take as a role model, or someone they respect? Kame looks up to Kimura Takuya...but he doesn't put them anywhere near on the same level. Jin's...he's not that far off. He's within reach. Kame can catch him, will catch him one day.
That's what this is. A little admiration, a little awe. Maybe even a touch of appreciation, because Jin has a very, very pretty face, and Kame sees it without make-up more than anyone else and he still thinks it's pretty. They're all paid to look good; no harm in appreciating that.
Kame treasures the time he spends filming with Jin. This is it: unless someone important decides this series of Gokusen deserves its own special, it's the end for Hayato and Ryu, and Jin and Kame are not likely to get cast together again. Not in the same way. Maybe they'll never work this closely again. Kame's going to enjoy it while he can.
-----
By the time autumn rolls around, Kame's stopped trying to pull the wool over his own eyes. It's a crush, plain and simple. He likes Jin, he wants to spend time with Jin, he finds Jin attractive. There, that's it. One day, he'll find the right girl and forget he ever felt anything more than friendship for Jin.
Today is not going to be that day. Jin's dyed his hair platinum blond, making him by far the most glamorous Junior on Shounen Club, and Kame's eyes track him automatically wherever he goes. A vision in silver and white, Jin's Hollywood starlet material, all pretty, pouty mouth under feathery blond strands, and while it's an unusual look for him, Kame's surprised by how well it works.
Surprised, too, by the sensations it evokes in the pit of his stomach, as though he's just swallowed a swarm of butterflies and left them to beat their tiny wings beneath his skin. It's not nervousness, exactly, though there's an aspect of that too. Potential, perhaps? Kame wonders, for a moment, what it would be like to run his hand through beautiful blond hair, to peel away the layers of clothing and find soft skin below. Jin's become increasingly sensual over the years and this latest incarnation's enough to leave Kame breathless when he watches him dance.
Jin moves like the entire world should be watching. Kame memorises every step, burns the image into his mind and locks it away for private replay later. He can watch Jin on TV, if he so desires, but he prefers his memories. They come complete with thoughts and feelings. Some of these are thoughts Kame's having for the first time and they are not for sharing with Jin. Jin doesn't want to know that Kame's thinking about how it would feel to kiss him, and he certainly doesn't want to know anything further.
Sex with Jin would be very different from sex with girls, Kame knows that much, for all that Jin currently looks like a Hollywood glamour girl and could probably be found in the dictionary as a definition for "diva". Kame can't quite bring himself to think about specifics, but he allows his mind to wander over the subject. It might be better, it might be worse. He hopes for the former. Things with girls haven't been...well...everything he's been led to believe.
Oh, it's fun, to be sure, and he craves sensation. Kame's a tactile person, loves to touch and be touched, to know that he's making his partner feel good, and the physical stuff's not...bad. But it's not all that satisfying, either, and he can't help but feel there's supposed to be something else to it. Some component he's missing that'll stop him feeling clouded afterwards, when the clothes are back on and there's nothing left to say.
Maybe it's just that he's with the wrong person. All those wrong people, and the right one's been in front of him the whole time.
Except that Jin can't be the right one, because that's not how this works. They're supposed to see girls, keeping them away from the press, till one day the agency graciously allows them to marry and they start raising families. Jin already knows how many kids he wants. He's even thinking about names. He's got a girlfriend, too, though she probably won't last. They never last.
So Jin can't be the right one, and Kame's going to have to keep looking - whether he wants to or not.
-----
Kame wishes he could look elsewhere. He's spent the last month on the stage with the members of KAT-TUN and Kanjani8, having to put up with mock rivalries and bickering, and the mayhem that erupts when Jin and Ryo are in the same theatre for more than five minutes. They're all effectively playing themselves but Jin's been particularly moody - understandable, considering his role requires him to get stabbed and hospitalised. Kame has the somewhat dubious pleasure of holding a knife on him; it's not a real knife, but occasionally he wishes otherwise so that he might use it on some of his co-stars.
He loves doing Dream Boys, but it's been a long month.
They've got their long-awaited debut to prepare for now. March is going to be intense; February, not much better. Kame's all kinds of excited but at the same time he's apprehensive. This is it and there's no turning back now. All six of them singing their debut single, not the popular but excruciatingly awkward Shuuji to Akira release, 'Seishun Amigo'. Hopefully this will be enough to mollify the others. Kame doesn't count that single as his CD debut. As nice as it was to work with Yamapi, he'd rather be working with Jin than Jin's best friend.
But things aren't going so well with Jin these days, and Kame feels certain his release with Yamapi is the cause of it. Jin's never been able to conceal jealousy, though in this case, Kame can't tell which one of them he's jealous of. It would be easier if Jin would simply talk to him, but he can't even do that. They're so busy, all of them being shipped out all over the place for promo, that there's never a spare moment. That easy companionship has gone, replaced by grim determination.
It's frustrating as hell for Kame. He's not even trying with girls now, using his schedule as an excuse. He doesn't have time for anything frivolous, though he'd be willing to take the time if he thought he'd get any genuine pleasure from it. He knows that's unlikely at best.
Ordinarily he'd at least have the consolation of spending time with Jin, but Jin's set on his own path now, one that takes him away from Kame, towards things Kame can't understand.
In some ways that makes it easier. If Kame doesn't see Jin, Kame doesn't have to think about Jin, and more importantly he doesn't have to think about the way in which he thinks about Jin. His crush can die a natural death.
It's not like he's into men, after all. He appreciates aesthetics, but Jin's the only man he's ever had that kind of feeling for, and Jin's a special case. Kame will get past those feelings for Jin, and everything will be fine.
Or so he thinks until he meets Kitamura Kazuki.
Kitamura's filming YAOH, a drama about hosts working in Kabukicho, though Kame doesn't know this beforehand. He's not filming a drama himself at the moment; he's in the TBS studios for Ousama no Brunch, and it's only after his stint on the show is over that he runs into Kitamura in the men's room, busily reapplying sticky, shiny lip gloss in the mirror.
Kame knows who he is, has caught him on TV a few times, but they've never met, he's certain of that. Kitamura doesn't look like a man easily forgotten or ignored, not in a snakeskin suit, with wavy brown hair teased out to the sides like a living anime character. He doesn't look real. Kame blinks under the bright yellow lights, wondering if he's even supposed to be in here. There's no one else in the room, all the stall doors are wide open, and Kitamura's wielding a wand with as much skill as any Johnny's veteran.
He's got to be late thirties if he's a day, and he's wearing an outfit just as ridiculous as anything Kame's ever worn for a concert, but he seems completely at ease, turning to offer Kame a friendly smile as he steps towards the sinks. Kame tries to smile back, nodding his head politely. Kitamura's his senior in the entertainment world, a full-grown man who doesn't have to don dresses for the fangirls, or cuddle up to other men for the camera, or keep his image squeaky-clean in public in case he's marked as a bad influence.
It'll be a long time before Kame can be like that. He's been in this business nearly eight years, almost half his life, but he's still too raw, too new - though he's becoming more polished every day.
It's that polish that allows him to take up a position two sinks over - because the adjacent sink would be too close, like sitting right next to the only occupant on a train - and pull out his own stick of lip gloss. Next on his schedule for the day is actually a radio interview, but that's no excuse for not looking suitably idol-like.
Closer, he peeks sideways to see that Kitamura's wearing eye make-up too, eyes rimmed with thick, black liner; lashes long and dark. It's gorgeous, but it's not girly, not the way Jin looks in make-up. Maybe it's the difference in build. Jin looks like a boy in comparison. Kitamura's a man, and he should look ridiculous in that get-up, but he doesn't. He looks...beautiful.
Not that Kame can say that - or anything else, for that matter, because offering a total stranger compliments in the men's room is suspicious behaviour, at best, and liable to land him in hot water at worst. He's not intimidated, exactly, but he's surprised to feel so shy. No one's looking at him, no one's talking to him, Kitamura's attention is fixed on the mirror...
...And now it's on Kame, on the lip gloss wand in his hand, and Kame feels his cheeks grow warm. This is Tokyo, where young men have elaborate skincare routines and sometimes own more make-up than their girlfriends. There's nothing weird about making one's lips shiny, especially in their line of work. It's not like he's been caught doing anything forbidden.
"KAT-TUN's Kamenashi-kun, right?" Kitamura says brightly.
Kame's so taken aback that all he manages is a less-than-eloquent, "Eh?"
"Ah, I thought so!" Kitamura tucks his lip gloss away in a pocket of his ridiculous suit. He should be hustling pool in some bar somewhere, Kame thinks, which turns out not to be too far off as a guess. "I heard the news. Congratulations on your debut!"
Kame mumbles his thanks, glossing over the fact that KAT-TUN's debut isn't actually until next month because that would only make him sound contrary, which is the last thing he wants when talking to this very cool, very confident older guy who's grinning at him like he's just hit a home run and wants to take him out for a congratulatory drink. Kitamura introduces himself, mentioning that he's acting in a drama with one of Kame's senpai at the moment. Kame somehow manages to get his brain and mouth working together long enough to make the usual polite noises and ask about the show, so Kitamura tells him about the hosts.
"Gotta look shiny," he explains, running a hand over his wavy mop of hair. "My character's supposed to be the number one host. This looks appealing to women, doesn't it?"
And to men, Kame thinks, but he's not saying that aloud. In any case, it's not the sharp suit and fabulous hair that's drawing him in. "I'm sure they'll love it." He swallows, gulping air down a dry throat. "Do you...do all the hosts in the show have to dress like this?"
"Only me." Kitamura laughs, eyes twinkling, inviting Kame to share the joke. "The rest aren't so flashy. This looks more like a Johnny's costume, don't you think? Maybe I should audition."
"It might be a little bit late for that." The easy, comfortable laughter helps Kame relax, though he's aware he might just have offered an insult.
Fortunately, Kitamura doesn't appear to be the kind to take offense easily, and he's still smiling when he excuses himself, wishing Kame luck with his debut as he leaves. Kame waits till he's alone to splash cold water over his face. It's a good thing he's going on the radio next, not the television.
-----
Kame's rarely at home on Friday nights so he records YAOH, just to see what Kitamura's character is like. (Research, in case he's ever called upon to play a host in a drama. Really.) Seiya's very different from his actor, as it turns out. No friendly eye-crinkles or self-effacing laughter - the number one host at 'Romeo' is both deadly and elite, a shark cutting effortlessly through minnows. 'Cool' doesn't even begin to describe him, and over the next few months Kame makes sure to watch the rest of the series. (Research, okay? It's just research.)
It provides him with a rare opportunity to relax. Those are all too few, now they're preparing for their debut, and work is ramping up to ridiculous levels. He barely even has the time to spare a thought in Jin's direction anymore - at least, ones that aren't related to work - and Jin's not quite all there, himself. Kame's not sure if it's stress or something more, but he's got enough to worry about on his own account.
Not the least of which is that he's figured out he's not watching Kitamura Kazuki on TV every week in the name of research. Kame's used to having secret crushes, feelings he keeps to himself and never tells. He's had one on Jin for years, but Jin's not the first, only the first man.
Kitamura's the second, and Kame's not sure how he feels about that. Jin's special. Jin's been his for years, one way or another, just as much as he's been Jin's, and everyone knows it, even if it's not the way Kame wants - or the way everyone thinks it is. Kame can keep it to himself and not have to think too much about it, because it just is. It's like a schoolboy crush, right?
Right.
Feeling attracted to someone else wasn't part of the plan, and Kame's not getting so much sleep he can afford to lose part of it waking up hard and sweating after dreaming about kissing a tall, older man with warm eyes and strong arms. That's not puppy love; that's no schoolboy crush, affection for a beloved friend. That's attraction, and it's hitting him hard.
Harder than it's hit with girls, but it's different, too, and Kame thinks he likes it better. That's the problem.
Because this isn't how it's supposed to go. This isn't who he's supposed to be. Kamenashi Kazuya isn't gay, or bi, or anything that isn't straight, because that's not what his fans want. That's probably not what his family wants either, though he's never asked. His bosses certainly don't want it.
And what does he want? Currently, things he's not even sure how to define, though they seem clear enough in his dreams.
He doesn't see Kitamura again and that's fine, that's not an issue. The crush dies a natural death, worn away by time and exhaustion till Kame's dreams are as empty as his bed, which he spends little enough time in as it is. Everyone's tired, everyone's on a short fuse and trying to hide it, and it's down to Kame, as their unofficial leader, to keep everything looking smooth and shipshape. This is what they've worked so hard for and damned if he's going to let anything ruin it. KAT-TUN are going to be the brightest stars in the sky and no matter what happens, they'll shine forever.
'Forever' doesn't seem so long when Kame's run ragged at the end of a long week. The tour's over - they've done it, the biggest debut in Johnny's history, and nothing seems impossible now - and he can go home. He doesn't have to be anywhere tomorrow (the next day is another matter entirely) and he can relax. Alone, no company, no cares. Ran-chan's with his family and the only person he has to take care of is himself. There's a bottle of bubble bath with his name on it.
Kame loves relaxing in the bath, loves to unwind and let his cares soak into the water while sweet-scented bubbles drift on by. This time it's sandalwood, a gift from his mum. He stretches out as far as he can in the tub. The water's hotter than he normally takes it but he wants this bath to last without him having to sit up and add more water; this way, he can be boneless, careless, an idle idol who can finally stop putting on a show.
Been a long time since he had a nice, warm body to share the bath with. It must've been a girl, a young woman - not like all those times on Hadaka no Shounen, when he and other Juniors splashed each other for the cameras and nobody thought too much about what was hidden beneath the surface of the water. He'd think about it now, maybe, if the company was right.
The 'right' company probably isn't 'right' for him anymore, not by any standard he's supposed to care about. He's a debuted artist now, all eyes on him, no place for anything improper. No room for wishing he could be happy with someone he can't have.
Kame takes the pale pink sponge and soaks it in the bathwater, swirling it in the bubbles till it drips between his fingers. He runs it from his left shoulder down his arm; there's nothing to wipe away, after his shower. No dirt and grime, just layers of skin, winter-pale save the tiny moles. It'd be nice to have someone else do it, closing their fingers over his and guiding the sponge on its way...all the way down...
He stops the thought before it can go any further. He's just frustrated, that's all. It's been too long and his hormones don't even know which way is up anymore. He needs to stop having these thoughts, these awful thoughts that'll only lead to more frustration if he starts paying attention to them. They're wrong and weird and they stick to his skin, like he's been contaminated by the atmosphere, like the smoke that clings to his hair and clothes after a cigarette.
But smoke can be washed away. Kame can't scrub his mind clean. He swipes again with the sponge but there's no friction; it slides easily down slick skin without cleaning him at all. It's not enough.
He trades it in for a speckled grey pumice stone on the edge of the tub. It's for tackling hard skin on the soles of his feet, or the calluses he acquires from work - or baseball, when he has the time for it - but now he scrapes it against the soft skin of his forearm, pressing down hard enough to feel the effect. It stings, pinpricks of pain as the stone strips flakes from his arm, to be purified in the white sea of bubbles below. Kame's no stranger to pain.
He welcomes it this time, each trail of fire that blazes down his arm, the paths varying enough to scrape fresh, clean strips and leave bare, untainted skin in their wake. He doesn't dare look. His skin should be stained black with poison, outward signs of thoughts he's not supposed to have - if he looks down, he'll see it all sloughing off as he presses harder, almost to the point of trying to gouge chunks from his flesh. First he'll do one arm, then the other, then start on his legs...
Kame has to pause for a moment to mop his forehead, keeping the sweat from his eyes - but it's not sweat that blurs his vision, and when he blinks to clear it, tears spill down his already-damp cheeks. The temporary halt breaks the spell and he bites down on his lip to keep from annoying his neighbours. Ouch. His arm feels like someone's taken a switch to it - a high price to pay to cleanse himself.
He dares to look down, finally, to see if he's managed to wash it away and find the person he's supposed to be underneath. All he sees is skin scored with red streaks, flaked white around the edges and dotted with blood in between. Blood. He's taken off a layer, all right, but this isn't what he wants to see. This isn't...he's no different...
The pumice stone splashes into the tub. Kame can't hold it anymore. There's nothing on his skin; there never has been. His thoughts are still in his head, where they belong, and scraping half the skin off his arms isn't going to help him get them out. He could strip to his bones and he'd still be the same person.
He takes a couple of gasping breaths, choked with tears that refuse to stop. He can't wipe them away with wet hands. Hot water stings his left arm; dazed, it takes him a while to realise that getting out of the bath and doing something about it would be a good idea. There doesn't seem to be much point in moving right now. He wouldn't get anywhere. He's Kamenashi Kazuya and he's going places, but he can't even get out of his own bath.
An hour later he's made it to bed, sore arm lying on top of the covers, everything clean and dry and pure as new snow. He feels naked, stripped bare by more than just the pumice stone. He's no turtle slipping free of his contaminated shell - he's a man, the sum of his parts, even the ones he's not sure about. He can't turn it off, can't make it go away, and he certainly can't send it swirling down the drain with the bathwater. All he can do is live with it...somehow.
-----
Work is the best distraction Kame could ask for, but he finds himself another in the form of Koizumi Kyoko: singer, actress, beautiful older woman who sees through him in an instant. He escorts her to fashion shows and expensive restaurants, shops at her side in all the best boutiques, and despite their secrecy the press still get wind of it. The tabloids usually contain some measure of truth, no matter how small, but this time they're completely off-base. Kame might be good at charming older women, but although this one finds him charming, the spell's been cast on him, not her.
It soothes him to spend time with someone who doesn't make assumptions about him. Kyoko likes men, including men who like men, and she introduces Kame to all sorts of people. After months of keeping himself locked inside, not sure where to go or who to talk to, it's a relief to be able to let his hair down a little. He still doesn't know how to approach anyone or what the rules are, but at least he finally feels ready to play the game.
Kame hears about places, about clubs and bars he could go if he felt inclined to take the risk. KAT-TUN are the main personality for this year's 24 Hour TV, though, so doing anything to draw the wrong kind of attention to himself would be unwise. It's all about charity, about helping. Not about one young man trying to get laid.
Well, that's not strictly true. Kame wants more than that, but first he has to figure out how to talk to people, how to let them know without giving away too much of himself. He's not good at subterfuge. Heartfelt and honest, that's more his speed. He lets down his walls a bit with Kyoko, but he still doesn't tell her and she never asks, only makes casual comments about how that handsome young designer standing next to the bar happens to be single and doesn't Kame have one of his shirts? Or how that singer over there in the corner, yes, that's the one, he's been wanting to meet Kame all night but he's a little shy?
Kame appreciates Kyoko's efforts. He goes to her parties and meets her friends, all the while hoping someone will catch his interest. At the same time, he hopes no one does, because then he might actually have to do something about it. Kame's good at nurturing crushes, so long as they stay in his heart, where they're supposed to be. Jin's still tucked away in there somewhere, fond feelings Kame can take out every so often and replay in his mind to cheer himself up.
Jin's not even in the country by the time Kame has his unfortunate first date with a male model. Jin's in America, working on his English, taking the break they could probably all use. Of course he's allowed to go. Jin always gets what he wants, one way or another, and most of the time, Kame's fine with that. He doesn't know too much about why Jin's gone, because Jin wasn't talking to anyone before he left, and looked so ill Kame wasn't even sure he could talk, but the fans never get to hear the truth about anything.
Distance helps put things in perspective for Kame. Jin's not here, might not come back, no one knows for sure. Even if Jin returns to Japan he's off-limits. Kame can't touch him like that, can't tell him all the feelings he's built up over the years. Jin won't want that, and Kame wouldn't be satisfied with telling him and being rejected. There's no way around it. Whatever Kame does in the future, whether he sees men or not, Jin won't be of their number.
Not that he could do worse with Jin. After the model there's a chef, and after him there's a banker who's hiding so deep in the closet he barely even speaks to Kame when they're not alone. Kame plays romantic leads on TV, and somehow the relationships seems less artificial than the ones he tries to establish with people who aren't Jin.
They're all nice, they're all fun to be with, and he can't bring himself to care about any of them. It doesn't help that they're not terribly compatible, either. It doesn't take Kame long to figure out what he likes in bed with men, and for the most part it's not what his partners think he'll like. He can't help his height, and while he's a fairly active guy he's never going to be stocky by any stretch of the imagination. That doesn't mean he's content to lie back and let someone else take charge. He won't do it at work and he won't do it in the bedroom, and anyone who can't be convinced is quickly shown the door.
Perhaps he should only date short people. There's no lack of them in Japan. Jin's not one of them - but then, Jin's out of the equation altogether. They see him in New York and it's awkward as hell, everyone afraid to give voice to their thoughts, dancing around each other on a knife's edge. He looks better, though. Being away from the agency agrees with him. Kame's heart doesn't stop pounding when Johnny tells them it's up to them whether or not to accept him back.
They do, of course. Jin looks relieved. Kame wonders what he'd have done if they'd said no. Gone back to California and lived out his life in peaceful obscurity? Unlikely. Jin's passion presents itself in different ways but he's no less driven than Kame himself, and a life without making music would kill him quicker than a knife to the heart.
He rejoins them when they're on tour in Sendai. There's a press conference, there are hugs and smiles and jokes Kame thought he'd forgotten how to make. Jin's not the same person anymore - the new model seems quieter, more self-conscious - but he's clearly doing his best and Kame indulges himself for a while, simply enjoys having him back by his side. He can throw his arms around Jin on the stage and management won't tell him he can't, not for this brief spell, so he makes the most of it. Funny how this one innocent gesture with Jin can hold a thousand times more emotion than anything he could do between the sheets with someone else.
He can live without more. This thing with Jin, this whole, complicated mess they can never talk about, it's okay to keep that a secret. Kame's comfortable with that now. It's never going to happen, so it's okay to look elsewhere. He suspects Jin will always own a piece of his heart, even if he falls in love with someone else, and he hasn't even come close to that yet. Those feelings are as much Kame's hidden treasure now as they were when he first identified them, but now he's managed to find some breathing room, a space where he can relax and be himself.
It's not just about Jin. Working in a group of five for six months has put more pressure on him - but it's also brought out the best in the other members, especially Koki, who seems to have made it his personal mission to protect Kame. Kame's still working hard, doesn't know how to do anything less than his best, but now he's having more fun doing it, can take himself a bit less seriously. He laughs more, now, and when he smiles for the camera, more often than not it's a big, uncontrollable grin that comes out, not a perfectly even, professionally tight smile.
He even manages to have fun cosplaying a schoolgirl in the concerts before Jin rejoins them, skipping down the stage with his short skirt showing off his hairy legs, and hair tied back in a ponytail. It's been a while since he last had to be a girl for the fans. Last year, he's not sure he could've managed being cute and sassy - he'd have been too tired, stretched too thin, too worried about a million different things and too damned self-conscious to make a total girl of himself in public.
This year it comes easily, no big deal. Maybe this is the next step in becoming an idol. First come the years where anything goes, and you do what you have to in order to fix your face in the minds of the fans. Then you debut, and everything has to be perfect. No rumours, no slips, no scandals. Don't leave any cracks for the press to sneak through.
Then you grow comfortable, come right back around to those early years where it doesn't matter if you open your mouth too wide and let yourself fall down laughing. Where you can wear glitter and pile on the lipstick and wipe it all off after work, because it's just a job. It's not real life. That's more true in the entertainment industry than anywhere else. Kame can sell himself on the stage, on the screen, and when he falls into bed at night he hasn't lost anything at all.
On the contrary, he's actually gained a few things. He can paint his nails and wear women's perfume and no one says a word because he's an entertainer, he's one of the pretty boys in the limelight and if he wants to give his feminine side an airing no one's going to be surprised. It's not for all of them - Nakamaru, in particular, favours a more conservative look - but Kame thinks it suits him. Koki paints his nails from time to time and all it does is help him cultivate a "punk" image; Ueda wanders around in girls' tops and everyone just talks about how macho he is. Their line of work is a queer one, to be sure.
A lot of people think that, and they're not always tactful about how they express their opinions. So Kame doesn't tell anyone he already knows. He'll go home with strangers and let them touch his body, but never his heart; the people in his heart, he can never tell.
In his head, he knows his family love him. There's not a lot he can do to make them reject him, short of becoming a serial killer. (And even then, he's likely to get a, "That's nice, dear. When are you coming round to see us again?" and an offer to bring him cake in jail.) His friends, too. He knows a lot of people but he's not that close to most of them, and those he cares about, he trusts to love him back, even if they disagree with his choices.
But why take that chance?
Fandom: KAT-TUN
Series: Transjinder
Pairing: Kame x Jin (one-sided), Kame/other
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Kind of AU
Word count: 7,009
Disclaimer: Not mine, damnit
Summary: This isn't who he's supposed to be. Kamenashi Kazuya isn't gay, or bi, or anything that isn't straight, because that's not what his fans want.
A/N: Another #transjinder prequel, this time from Kame's POV. Crossposted at AO3
Straight Curveballs
Kame's excited to be in New York. He can see American teams playing his beloved baseball, he can take pictures all over the city with KAT-TUN, and he can listen to Jin fall in love with the US one mangled English sentence at a time. Jin doesn't stop talking. Jin could keep going all day, marvelling over every single sight in between mouthfuls of hot dogs and pretzels, till someone finally tells him he needs to shut up now so they can take photos.
It's their first photobook and they're still awed by the agency taking them all the way to New York to shoot it. KAT-TUN haven't even debuted, though they've had their own concerts already. They've sold the tickets, they've got the fans. Whether they've got enough to recoup the costs of this photobook, Kame doesn't know, but he gives it his all anyway, smiling brightly for the camera and trying to look like he's worth all the money that's being spent on this trip.
On the other side of the tree, Jin's his mirror image. They've got similar hair at the moment and sometimes Kame does a double-take when he sees pictures of the two of them together. Twins. Maybe the fans will like that. Kame likes it, being like Jin. Jin's older, taller, though scarcely more mature. Jin can sing, really sing, in a way most of the Juniors can't even dream about, and he can dance, too.
It shouldn't be fair. Everyone's got something but Jin's got most of all, and everyone knows it. Especially Kame. Jin looked at the awkward, scrawny, baseball brat and saw the same thing as Johnny, and Kame can't figure out if that makes Jin some kind of genius or just the least picky guy in the world about his friends.
Whichever it is, Jin's his friend and Kame feels lucky to have him. Jin's aiming for the stars, and Kame plans to be right there beside him as he climbs the steps. They'll make it, the six of them together, and one day they'll have a CD debut.
Not today. Today they're running around Central Park, playing hide-and-seek in the trees, teasing the camera as they remember the kids they used to be. You don't stay young for long when you start doing this for real. Kame's learned that lesson already. Work colours your life like nothing else.
If not for work, he wouldn't be holding hands with Jin for the camera. He doesn't do it with his old schoolfriends, or baseball teammates. He doesn't do it with his family, or with the neighbours who tease him gently about his budding idol career. This is work. Holding hands with Jin is work. Cuddling Jin at the photographer's command is work. Dancing with Jin on Shounen Club is work.
But the feeling he gets when Jin looks at him as if he's the one shining brightest of all, that's not work. Jin watches him from behind his bangs, from around corners, from behind trees and over the tops of cushions, and Kame should find it creepy to have Jin's gaze fixed on him like that.
He doesn't. His stomach's not doing somersaults from fear, he knows that much, even if he's not sure what to call this yet. Jin's happy, Jin's laughing and carefree and in love with the world, and Kame would sooner die than see him lose his joy. He squeezes Jin's fingers a little tighter. Jin squeezes back, grin becoming even more playful, and Kame thinks maybe he does have a name for this feeling after all.
It's not like what he feels for girls. Girls are exciting, mysterious creatures he's still trying to get to grips with. He doesn't have to do that with Jin. He knows Jin. Kame's kissed girls - for real - and he's never kissed Jin, not without it being orchestrated from behind the camera, but this is more intimate, somehow. He's got Jin's heart in his hands today, could break it with a word, and that's a bond deeper than he's ever had with a girl.
Kame chalks it up to spending most of his time in a male-only environment and keeps it to himself. Jin never needs to know.
-----
Shounen Club skits are not known for being realistic. Ueda's not really an old man (even if he is a bit weird), yellow helmets don't really grant wishes, and Jin's not really married to Kame.
But sometimes it's nice to pretend. The wig doesn't suit Jin at all but it's better than Kame's, which makes him feel about a million years old, and like he has to do the voice to match. Kame gets to watch Jin make cutesy faces at him, gets to watch Jin clasp his hands together under his chin like the dainty young girl he isn't, for all that he's so skinny. It's almost unnerving how much Jin throws himself into playing the housewife.
Just as much as he'd thrown himself into playing the nurse, back at the start of the year. Another skit, a different dress, but still linked to Kame - this time by playing nurse to Kame's doctor, a scenario which would've involved considerably more than light flirting had it not been on Shounen Club. They're always thrown together now, might even have debuted as a duo if they hadn't been in a group of six. Kame likes that. He can be close to Jin all he wants and he's even getting paid for it.
He's had the same lecture all the Juniors get about discretion. Don't let the press catch you smoking, no signs of underage drinking please, and above all else, never let your fans find out when you have a girlfriend. Cosy up to your bandmates all you want and the girls will love you for it, but take up with an actual girl and your name will be mud, especially if there are pictures.
It's not such a worry for the younger kids, who are still in school and see this as a fun, part-time activity. A club they get paid to be in. For people like Kame and Jin, who've dropped out of high school and are now putting everything on the line, a leaked photo can mean the difference between stardom and obscurity. Kame desperately doesn't want to see that happen. He listens to all of Takki's advice like his life depends on it.
So when he sees girls, he plays it safe. No one more famous than himself, who might have stalkers watching her every move. No one controversial. No one who wants to be with him simply because he's KAT-TUN's Kamenashi Kazuya and he's going to be a star. It's tough to meet people normally now but he tries, and he keeps his private life away from the camera. He has fun, always, but there's something missing. It takes him a long time to figure out that it's intimacy.
-----
By the time he and Jin start filming Gokusen, they don't look remotely like twins. Jin is brown and gold, a fluffy puppy with silver shoes and dark red lips. Kame is burnished copper, pale and silent, and the only place they match is in their artificial bruises. This time they're not playing husband and wife, nor doctor and nurse. They're playing schoolfriends, the very best - once their characters resolve their issues and bury the hatchet, anyway. Till then, Hayato and Ryu glower at each other across the room, seconds away from throwing punches.
It's a different friendship. KAT-TUN have fought in the past, and they still do it even now, but it's nothing like this. Kame couldn't hit Jin like this, couldn't leave him with bruised lips and a bloodstained shirt. They might wrestle, might compete to see who's the strongest and it's an even chance who'd win, but they'd never hate. Kame celebrates his nineteenth birthday on the set and Jin sings him a greeting; Kame joins in, the way Ryu never would. This isn't about him turning nineteen - it's about them celebrating it together.
Kame doesn't have time for girls right now, but he's always got time for Jin. Jin runs lines with him, Jin goes to massages with him when they're feeling battered and bruised by the drama, Jin teases him about how Ryu's always so uptight and won't let Hayato have any fun. Jin manages to find time for girls, but he doesn't tell Kame about them and Kame would rather not hear. He likes having Jin to himself like this.
Maybe it's creepy, maybe it's weird. Kame tries not to think too much about it. Everyone has someone they look up to, right? Someone they take as a role model, or someone they respect? Kame looks up to Kimura Takuya...but he doesn't put them anywhere near on the same level. Jin's...he's not that far off. He's within reach. Kame can catch him, will catch him one day.
That's what this is. A little admiration, a little awe. Maybe even a touch of appreciation, because Jin has a very, very pretty face, and Kame sees it without make-up more than anyone else and he still thinks it's pretty. They're all paid to look good; no harm in appreciating that.
Kame treasures the time he spends filming with Jin. This is it: unless someone important decides this series of Gokusen deserves its own special, it's the end for Hayato and Ryu, and Jin and Kame are not likely to get cast together again. Not in the same way. Maybe they'll never work this closely again. Kame's going to enjoy it while he can.
-----
By the time autumn rolls around, Kame's stopped trying to pull the wool over his own eyes. It's a crush, plain and simple. He likes Jin, he wants to spend time with Jin, he finds Jin attractive. There, that's it. One day, he'll find the right girl and forget he ever felt anything more than friendship for Jin.
Today is not going to be that day. Jin's dyed his hair platinum blond, making him by far the most glamorous Junior on Shounen Club, and Kame's eyes track him automatically wherever he goes. A vision in silver and white, Jin's Hollywood starlet material, all pretty, pouty mouth under feathery blond strands, and while it's an unusual look for him, Kame's surprised by how well it works.
Surprised, too, by the sensations it evokes in the pit of his stomach, as though he's just swallowed a swarm of butterflies and left them to beat their tiny wings beneath his skin. It's not nervousness, exactly, though there's an aspect of that too. Potential, perhaps? Kame wonders, for a moment, what it would be like to run his hand through beautiful blond hair, to peel away the layers of clothing and find soft skin below. Jin's become increasingly sensual over the years and this latest incarnation's enough to leave Kame breathless when he watches him dance.
Jin moves like the entire world should be watching. Kame memorises every step, burns the image into his mind and locks it away for private replay later. He can watch Jin on TV, if he so desires, but he prefers his memories. They come complete with thoughts and feelings. Some of these are thoughts Kame's having for the first time and they are not for sharing with Jin. Jin doesn't want to know that Kame's thinking about how it would feel to kiss him, and he certainly doesn't want to know anything further.
Sex with Jin would be very different from sex with girls, Kame knows that much, for all that Jin currently looks like a Hollywood glamour girl and could probably be found in the dictionary as a definition for "diva". Kame can't quite bring himself to think about specifics, but he allows his mind to wander over the subject. It might be better, it might be worse. He hopes for the former. Things with girls haven't been...well...everything he's been led to believe.
Oh, it's fun, to be sure, and he craves sensation. Kame's a tactile person, loves to touch and be touched, to know that he's making his partner feel good, and the physical stuff's not...bad. But it's not all that satisfying, either, and he can't help but feel there's supposed to be something else to it. Some component he's missing that'll stop him feeling clouded afterwards, when the clothes are back on and there's nothing left to say.
Maybe it's just that he's with the wrong person. All those wrong people, and the right one's been in front of him the whole time.
Except that Jin can't be the right one, because that's not how this works. They're supposed to see girls, keeping them away from the press, till one day the agency graciously allows them to marry and they start raising families. Jin already knows how many kids he wants. He's even thinking about names. He's got a girlfriend, too, though she probably won't last. They never last.
So Jin can't be the right one, and Kame's going to have to keep looking - whether he wants to or not.
-----
Kame wishes he could look elsewhere. He's spent the last month on the stage with the members of KAT-TUN and Kanjani8, having to put up with mock rivalries and bickering, and the mayhem that erupts when Jin and Ryo are in the same theatre for more than five minutes. They're all effectively playing themselves but Jin's been particularly moody - understandable, considering his role requires him to get stabbed and hospitalised. Kame has the somewhat dubious pleasure of holding a knife on him; it's not a real knife, but occasionally he wishes otherwise so that he might use it on some of his co-stars.
He loves doing Dream Boys, but it's been a long month.
They've got their long-awaited debut to prepare for now. March is going to be intense; February, not much better. Kame's all kinds of excited but at the same time he's apprehensive. This is it and there's no turning back now. All six of them singing their debut single, not the popular but excruciatingly awkward Shuuji to Akira release, 'Seishun Amigo'. Hopefully this will be enough to mollify the others. Kame doesn't count that single as his CD debut. As nice as it was to work with Yamapi, he'd rather be working with Jin than Jin's best friend.
But things aren't going so well with Jin these days, and Kame feels certain his release with Yamapi is the cause of it. Jin's never been able to conceal jealousy, though in this case, Kame can't tell which one of them he's jealous of. It would be easier if Jin would simply talk to him, but he can't even do that. They're so busy, all of them being shipped out all over the place for promo, that there's never a spare moment. That easy companionship has gone, replaced by grim determination.
It's frustrating as hell for Kame. He's not even trying with girls now, using his schedule as an excuse. He doesn't have time for anything frivolous, though he'd be willing to take the time if he thought he'd get any genuine pleasure from it. He knows that's unlikely at best.
Ordinarily he'd at least have the consolation of spending time with Jin, but Jin's set on his own path now, one that takes him away from Kame, towards things Kame can't understand.
In some ways that makes it easier. If Kame doesn't see Jin, Kame doesn't have to think about Jin, and more importantly he doesn't have to think about the way in which he thinks about Jin. His crush can die a natural death.
It's not like he's into men, after all. He appreciates aesthetics, but Jin's the only man he's ever had that kind of feeling for, and Jin's a special case. Kame will get past those feelings for Jin, and everything will be fine.
Or so he thinks until he meets Kitamura Kazuki.
Kitamura's filming YAOH, a drama about hosts working in Kabukicho, though Kame doesn't know this beforehand. He's not filming a drama himself at the moment; he's in the TBS studios for Ousama no Brunch, and it's only after his stint on the show is over that he runs into Kitamura in the men's room, busily reapplying sticky, shiny lip gloss in the mirror.
Kame knows who he is, has caught him on TV a few times, but they've never met, he's certain of that. Kitamura doesn't look like a man easily forgotten or ignored, not in a snakeskin suit, with wavy brown hair teased out to the sides like a living anime character. He doesn't look real. Kame blinks under the bright yellow lights, wondering if he's even supposed to be in here. There's no one else in the room, all the stall doors are wide open, and Kitamura's wielding a wand with as much skill as any Johnny's veteran.
He's got to be late thirties if he's a day, and he's wearing an outfit just as ridiculous as anything Kame's ever worn for a concert, but he seems completely at ease, turning to offer Kame a friendly smile as he steps towards the sinks. Kame tries to smile back, nodding his head politely. Kitamura's his senior in the entertainment world, a full-grown man who doesn't have to don dresses for the fangirls, or cuddle up to other men for the camera, or keep his image squeaky-clean in public in case he's marked as a bad influence.
It'll be a long time before Kame can be like that. He's been in this business nearly eight years, almost half his life, but he's still too raw, too new - though he's becoming more polished every day.
It's that polish that allows him to take up a position two sinks over - because the adjacent sink would be too close, like sitting right next to the only occupant on a train - and pull out his own stick of lip gloss. Next on his schedule for the day is actually a radio interview, but that's no excuse for not looking suitably idol-like.
Closer, he peeks sideways to see that Kitamura's wearing eye make-up too, eyes rimmed with thick, black liner; lashes long and dark. It's gorgeous, but it's not girly, not the way Jin looks in make-up. Maybe it's the difference in build. Jin looks like a boy in comparison. Kitamura's a man, and he should look ridiculous in that get-up, but he doesn't. He looks...beautiful.
Not that Kame can say that - or anything else, for that matter, because offering a total stranger compliments in the men's room is suspicious behaviour, at best, and liable to land him in hot water at worst. He's not intimidated, exactly, but he's surprised to feel so shy. No one's looking at him, no one's talking to him, Kitamura's attention is fixed on the mirror...
...And now it's on Kame, on the lip gloss wand in his hand, and Kame feels his cheeks grow warm. This is Tokyo, where young men have elaborate skincare routines and sometimes own more make-up than their girlfriends. There's nothing weird about making one's lips shiny, especially in their line of work. It's not like he's been caught doing anything forbidden.
"KAT-TUN's Kamenashi-kun, right?" Kitamura says brightly.
Kame's so taken aback that all he manages is a less-than-eloquent, "Eh?"
"Ah, I thought so!" Kitamura tucks his lip gloss away in a pocket of his ridiculous suit. He should be hustling pool in some bar somewhere, Kame thinks, which turns out not to be too far off as a guess. "I heard the news. Congratulations on your debut!"
Kame mumbles his thanks, glossing over the fact that KAT-TUN's debut isn't actually until next month because that would only make him sound contrary, which is the last thing he wants when talking to this very cool, very confident older guy who's grinning at him like he's just hit a home run and wants to take him out for a congratulatory drink. Kitamura introduces himself, mentioning that he's acting in a drama with one of Kame's senpai at the moment. Kame somehow manages to get his brain and mouth working together long enough to make the usual polite noises and ask about the show, so Kitamura tells him about the hosts.
"Gotta look shiny," he explains, running a hand over his wavy mop of hair. "My character's supposed to be the number one host. This looks appealing to women, doesn't it?"
And to men, Kame thinks, but he's not saying that aloud. In any case, it's not the sharp suit and fabulous hair that's drawing him in. "I'm sure they'll love it." He swallows, gulping air down a dry throat. "Do you...do all the hosts in the show have to dress like this?"
"Only me." Kitamura laughs, eyes twinkling, inviting Kame to share the joke. "The rest aren't so flashy. This looks more like a Johnny's costume, don't you think? Maybe I should audition."
"It might be a little bit late for that." The easy, comfortable laughter helps Kame relax, though he's aware he might just have offered an insult.
Fortunately, Kitamura doesn't appear to be the kind to take offense easily, and he's still smiling when he excuses himself, wishing Kame luck with his debut as he leaves. Kame waits till he's alone to splash cold water over his face. It's a good thing he's going on the radio next, not the television.
-----
Kame's rarely at home on Friday nights so he records YAOH, just to see what Kitamura's character is like. (Research, in case he's ever called upon to play a host in a drama. Really.) Seiya's very different from his actor, as it turns out. No friendly eye-crinkles or self-effacing laughter - the number one host at 'Romeo' is both deadly and elite, a shark cutting effortlessly through minnows. 'Cool' doesn't even begin to describe him, and over the next few months Kame makes sure to watch the rest of the series. (Research, okay? It's just research.)
It provides him with a rare opportunity to relax. Those are all too few, now they're preparing for their debut, and work is ramping up to ridiculous levels. He barely even has the time to spare a thought in Jin's direction anymore - at least, ones that aren't related to work - and Jin's not quite all there, himself. Kame's not sure if it's stress or something more, but he's got enough to worry about on his own account.
Not the least of which is that he's figured out he's not watching Kitamura Kazuki on TV every week in the name of research. Kame's used to having secret crushes, feelings he keeps to himself and never tells. He's had one on Jin for years, but Jin's not the first, only the first man.
Kitamura's the second, and Kame's not sure how he feels about that. Jin's special. Jin's been his for years, one way or another, just as much as he's been Jin's, and everyone knows it, even if it's not the way Kame wants - or the way everyone thinks it is. Kame can keep it to himself and not have to think too much about it, because it just is. It's like a schoolboy crush, right?
Right.
Feeling attracted to someone else wasn't part of the plan, and Kame's not getting so much sleep he can afford to lose part of it waking up hard and sweating after dreaming about kissing a tall, older man with warm eyes and strong arms. That's not puppy love; that's no schoolboy crush, affection for a beloved friend. That's attraction, and it's hitting him hard.
Harder than it's hit with girls, but it's different, too, and Kame thinks he likes it better. That's the problem.
Because this isn't how it's supposed to go. This isn't who he's supposed to be. Kamenashi Kazuya isn't gay, or bi, or anything that isn't straight, because that's not what his fans want. That's probably not what his family wants either, though he's never asked. His bosses certainly don't want it.
And what does he want? Currently, things he's not even sure how to define, though they seem clear enough in his dreams.
He doesn't see Kitamura again and that's fine, that's not an issue. The crush dies a natural death, worn away by time and exhaustion till Kame's dreams are as empty as his bed, which he spends little enough time in as it is. Everyone's tired, everyone's on a short fuse and trying to hide it, and it's down to Kame, as their unofficial leader, to keep everything looking smooth and shipshape. This is what they've worked so hard for and damned if he's going to let anything ruin it. KAT-TUN are going to be the brightest stars in the sky and no matter what happens, they'll shine forever.
'Forever' doesn't seem so long when Kame's run ragged at the end of a long week. The tour's over - they've done it, the biggest debut in Johnny's history, and nothing seems impossible now - and he can go home. He doesn't have to be anywhere tomorrow (the next day is another matter entirely) and he can relax. Alone, no company, no cares. Ran-chan's with his family and the only person he has to take care of is himself. There's a bottle of bubble bath with his name on it.
Kame loves relaxing in the bath, loves to unwind and let his cares soak into the water while sweet-scented bubbles drift on by. This time it's sandalwood, a gift from his mum. He stretches out as far as he can in the tub. The water's hotter than he normally takes it but he wants this bath to last without him having to sit up and add more water; this way, he can be boneless, careless, an idle idol who can finally stop putting on a show.
Been a long time since he had a nice, warm body to share the bath with. It must've been a girl, a young woman - not like all those times on Hadaka no Shounen, when he and other Juniors splashed each other for the cameras and nobody thought too much about what was hidden beneath the surface of the water. He'd think about it now, maybe, if the company was right.
The 'right' company probably isn't 'right' for him anymore, not by any standard he's supposed to care about. He's a debuted artist now, all eyes on him, no place for anything improper. No room for wishing he could be happy with someone he can't have.
Kame takes the pale pink sponge and soaks it in the bathwater, swirling it in the bubbles till it drips between his fingers. He runs it from his left shoulder down his arm; there's nothing to wipe away, after his shower. No dirt and grime, just layers of skin, winter-pale save the tiny moles. It'd be nice to have someone else do it, closing their fingers over his and guiding the sponge on its way...all the way down...
He stops the thought before it can go any further. He's just frustrated, that's all. It's been too long and his hormones don't even know which way is up anymore. He needs to stop having these thoughts, these awful thoughts that'll only lead to more frustration if he starts paying attention to them. They're wrong and weird and they stick to his skin, like he's been contaminated by the atmosphere, like the smoke that clings to his hair and clothes after a cigarette.
But smoke can be washed away. Kame can't scrub his mind clean. He swipes again with the sponge but there's no friction; it slides easily down slick skin without cleaning him at all. It's not enough.
He trades it in for a speckled grey pumice stone on the edge of the tub. It's for tackling hard skin on the soles of his feet, or the calluses he acquires from work - or baseball, when he has the time for it - but now he scrapes it against the soft skin of his forearm, pressing down hard enough to feel the effect. It stings, pinpricks of pain as the stone strips flakes from his arm, to be purified in the white sea of bubbles below. Kame's no stranger to pain.
He welcomes it this time, each trail of fire that blazes down his arm, the paths varying enough to scrape fresh, clean strips and leave bare, untainted skin in their wake. He doesn't dare look. His skin should be stained black with poison, outward signs of thoughts he's not supposed to have - if he looks down, he'll see it all sloughing off as he presses harder, almost to the point of trying to gouge chunks from his flesh. First he'll do one arm, then the other, then start on his legs...
Kame has to pause for a moment to mop his forehead, keeping the sweat from his eyes - but it's not sweat that blurs his vision, and when he blinks to clear it, tears spill down his already-damp cheeks. The temporary halt breaks the spell and he bites down on his lip to keep from annoying his neighbours. Ouch. His arm feels like someone's taken a switch to it - a high price to pay to cleanse himself.
He dares to look down, finally, to see if he's managed to wash it away and find the person he's supposed to be underneath. All he sees is skin scored with red streaks, flaked white around the edges and dotted with blood in between. Blood. He's taken off a layer, all right, but this isn't what he wants to see. This isn't...he's no different...
The pumice stone splashes into the tub. Kame can't hold it anymore. There's nothing on his skin; there never has been. His thoughts are still in his head, where they belong, and scraping half the skin off his arms isn't going to help him get them out. He could strip to his bones and he'd still be the same person.
He takes a couple of gasping breaths, choked with tears that refuse to stop. He can't wipe them away with wet hands. Hot water stings his left arm; dazed, it takes him a while to realise that getting out of the bath and doing something about it would be a good idea. There doesn't seem to be much point in moving right now. He wouldn't get anywhere. He's Kamenashi Kazuya and he's going places, but he can't even get out of his own bath.
An hour later he's made it to bed, sore arm lying on top of the covers, everything clean and dry and pure as new snow. He feels naked, stripped bare by more than just the pumice stone. He's no turtle slipping free of his contaminated shell - he's a man, the sum of his parts, even the ones he's not sure about. He can't turn it off, can't make it go away, and he certainly can't send it swirling down the drain with the bathwater. All he can do is live with it...somehow.
-----
Work is the best distraction Kame could ask for, but he finds himself another in the form of Koizumi Kyoko: singer, actress, beautiful older woman who sees through him in an instant. He escorts her to fashion shows and expensive restaurants, shops at her side in all the best boutiques, and despite their secrecy the press still get wind of it. The tabloids usually contain some measure of truth, no matter how small, but this time they're completely off-base. Kame might be good at charming older women, but although this one finds him charming, the spell's been cast on him, not her.
It soothes him to spend time with someone who doesn't make assumptions about him. Kyoko likes men, including men who like men, and she introduces Kame to all sorts of people. After months of keeping himself locked inside, not sure where to go or who to talk to, it's a relief to be able to let his hair down a little. He still doesn't know how to approach anyone or what the rules are, but at least he finally feels ready to play the game.
Kame hears about places, about clubs and bars he could go if he felt inclined to take the risk. KAT-TUN are the main personality for this year's 24 Hour TV, though, so doing anything to draw the wrong kind of attention to himself would be unwise. It's all about charity, about helping. Not about one young man trying to get laid.
Well, that's not strictly true. Kame wants more than that, but first he has to figure out how to talk to people, how to let them know without giving away too much of himself. He's not good at subterfuge. Heartfelt and honest, that's more his speed. He lets down his walls a bit with Kyoko, but he still doesn't tell her and she never asks, only makes casual comments about how that handsome young designer standing next to the bar happens to be single and doesn't Kame have one of his shirts? Or how that singer over there in the corner, yes, that's the one, he's been wanting to meet Kame all night but he's a little shy?
Kame appreciates Kyoko's efforts. He goes to her parties and meets her friends, all the while hoping someone will catch his interest. At the same time, he hopes no one does, because then he might actually have to do something about it. Kame's good at nurturing crushes, so long as they stay in his heart, where they're supposed to be. Jin's still tucked away in there somewhere, fond feelings Kame can take out every so often and replay in his mind to cheer himself up.
Jin's not even in the country by the time Kame has his unfortunate first date with a male model. Jin's in America, working on his English, taking the break they could probably all use. Of course he's allowed to go. Jin always gets what he wants, one way or another, and most of the time, Kame's fine with that. He doesn't know too much about why Jin's gone, because Jin wasn't talking to anyone before he left, and looked so ill Kame wasn't even sure he could talk, but the fans never get to hear the truth about anything.
Distance helps put things in perspective for Kame. Jin's not here, might not come back, no one knows for sure. Even if Jin returns to Japan he's off-limits. Kame can't touch him like that, can't tell him all the feelings he's built up over the years. Jin won't want that, and Kame wouldn't be satisfied with telling him and being rejected. There's no way around it. Whatever Kame does in the future, whether he sees men or not, Jin won't be of their number.
Not that he could do worse with Jin. After the model there's a chef, and after him there's a banker who's hiding so deep in the closet he barely even speaks to Kame when they're not alone. Kame plays romantic leads on TV, and somehow the relationships seems less artificial than the ones he tries to establish with people who aren't Jin.
They're all nice, they're all fun to be with, and he can't bring himself to care about any of them. It doesn't help that they're not terribly compatible, either. It doesn't take Kame long to figure out what he likes in bed with men, and for the most part it's not what his partners think he'll like. He can't help his height, and while he's a fairly active guy he's never going to be stocky by any stretch of the imagination. That doesn't mean he's content to lie back and let someone else take charge. He won't do it at work and he won't do it in the bedroom, and anyone who can't be convinced is quickly shown the door.
Perhaps he should only date short people. There's no lack of them in Japan. Jin's not one of them - but then, Jin's out of the equation altogether. They see him in New York and it's awkward as hell, everyone afraid to give voice to their thoughts, dancing around each other on a knife's edge. He looks better, though. Being away from the agency agrees with him. Kame's heart doesn't stop pounding when Johnny tells them it's up to them whether or not to accept him back.
They do, of course. Jin looks relieved. Kame wonders what he'd have done if they'd said no. Gone back to California and lived out his life in peaceful obscurity? Unlikely. Jin's passion presents itself in different ways but he's no less driven than Kame himself, and a life without making music would kill him quicker than a knife to the heart.
He rejoins them when they're on tour in Sendai. There's a press conference, there are hugs and smiles and jokes Kame thought he'd forgotten how to make. Jin's not the same person anymore - the new model seems quieter, more self-conscious - but he's clearly doing his best and Kame indulges himself for a while, simply enjoys having him back by his side. He can throw his arms around Jin on the stage and management won't tell him he can't, not for this brief spell, so he makes the most of it. Funny how this one innocent gesture with Jin can hold a thousand times more emotion than anything he could do between the sheets with someone else.
He can live without more. This thing with Jin, this whole, complicated mess they can never talk about, it's okay to keep that a secret. Kame's comfortable with that now. It's never going to happen, so it's okay to look elsewhere. He suspects Jin will always own a piece of his heart, even if he falls in love with someone else, and he hasn't even come close to that yet. Those feelings are as much Kame's hidden treasure now as they were when he first identified them, but now he's managed to find some breathing room, a space where he can relax and be himself.
It's not just about Jin. Working in a group of five for six months has put more pressure on him - but it's also brought out the best in the other members, especially Koki, who seems to have made it his personal mission to protect Kame. Kame's still working hard, doesn't know how to do anything less than his best, but now he's having more fun doing it, can take himself a bit less seriously. He laughs more, now, and when he smiles for the camera, more often than not it's a big, uncontrollable grin that comes out, not a perfectly even, professionally tight smile.
He even manages to have fun cosplaying a schoolgirl in the concerts before Jin rejoins them, skipping down the stage with his short skirt showing off his hairy legs, and hair tied back in a ponytail. It's been a while since he last had to be a girl for the fans. Last year, he's not sure he could've managed being cute and sassy - he'd have been too tired, stretched too thin, too worried about a million different things and too damned self-conscious to make a total girl of himself in public.
This year it comes easily, no big deal. Maybe this is the next step in becoming an idol. First come the years where anything goes, and you do what you have to in order to fix your face in the minds of the fans. Then you debut, and everything has to be perfect. No rumours, no slips, no scandals. Don't leave any cracks for the press to sneak through.
Then you grow comfortable, come right back around to those early years where it doesn't matter if you open your mouth too wide and let yourself fall down laughing. Where you can wear glitter and pile on the lipstick and wipe it all off after work, because it's just a job. It's not real life. That's more true in the entertainment industry than anywhere else. Kame can sell himself on the stage, on the screen, and when he falls into bed at night he hasn't lost anything at all.
On the contrary, he's actually gained a few things. He can paint his nails and wear women's perfume and no one says a word because he's an entertainer, he's one of the pretty boys in the limelight and if he wants to give his feminine side an airing no one's going to be surprised. It's not for all of them - Nakamaru, in particular, favours a more conservative look - but Kame thinks it suits him. Koki paints his nails from time to time and all it does is help him cultivate a "punk" image; Ueda wanders around in girls' tops and everyone just talks about how macho he is. Their line of work is a queer one, to be sure.
A lot of people think that, and they're not always tactful about how they express their opinions. So Kame doesn't tell anyone he already knows. He'll go home with strangers and let them touch his body, but never his heart; the people in his heart, he can never tell.
In his head, he knows his family love him. There's not a lot he can do to make them reject him, short of becoming a serial killer. (And even then, he's likely to get a, "That's nice, dear. When are you coming round to see us again?" and an offer to bring him cake in jail.) His friends, too. He knows a lot of people but he's not that close to most of them, and those he cares about, he trusts to love him back, even if they disagree with his choices.
But why take that chance?