Wrestlemania 22
Posting a few things I have written recently. Hoping it inspires me to do more of it
The next few things are going to be Wrestlemania reviews I was doing for a wrestling website I frequent. Another guy had reviewed the first 21, but then just quit, so I picked up the ball and am finishing up the last few.
WWE Wrestlemania XXII (2006)
It’s ironic that I start here in lieu of J-Ville, because this was the first Wrestlemania I was around for as a wrestling fan after having given up on wrestling in 2000 or 2001. I think at the time I was only watching Smackdown because I did not have cable and only even started watching again because my bunny ears only picked up 3 channels, and the CW (or whatever it was called in 2006) was one of them. Some of the Smackdown feuds and gimmicks are still fresh in my mind, but the Raw ones are actually pretty brand new to me.
The opening video montage (the one they still do before every episode of wrestling) ends with “WWE: The Power Is Back”. Where did it go?
There is a banner going around the top edge of the arena with blown up portraits of all the night’s competitors, and Hogan is on it. Was he still around here? Now that I look again, Eddie Guerrero is pictured right next to Hogan, but everyone I see around them is both alive and on the show.
Generic Destiny’s Child Lady Who Isn’t Beyonce is opening the show by singing “America the Beautiful” or “God Bless America” or something. You hear one America song, you’ve heard them all. She actually looks downright angry to be there when they introduce her, which strikes me as…odd. Look, you aren’t Mrs. Jay-Z so just be happy to get a gig. After this is a video montage of Wrestlemania history, and jeez….when does the wrestling start? It is nice how they contrast guys like HHH, Shawn Michaels, and Undertaker’s first Wrestlemania appearance against their most recent. Wrestling STILL does not start as we next get a feud recap.
1) Tag Team Title Match: Carlito & Chris Masters vs. Kane & The Big Show ( c )
-The crowd is DEAD for Masters’ introduction. Maybe a few scattered boos at best. His music was always pretty quiet, and you can hear every note of it over the roar of the crowd. And jeez, how many guys has Big Show teamed with regularly, much less won tag titles with? Kane and Show are the faces here? Then what is the point of this match? No one can think Carlito and Masters posed a threat, and if they are the bad guys, there’s no underdog aura. JR reminds us right after the bell that this is the FIRST TIME SINCE Wrestlemania 15 that the tag titles have been defended in a simple two-on-two match. Crazy! Funny spot where Carlito and Show get locked in a Test of Strength, and they both just look back and forth at their locked hands and each other’s face. Carlito hits the Backstabber for possibly the first time ever because JR calls it “what an innovative move; a version of a backbreaker!”, but to no avail. Kane pins Carlito with a Chokeslam for the [relatively] easy win. Nothing of note here, but it isn’t hard to watch, either. I’m reminded See No Evil came out a few months after this, so Kane has to be turning heel soon. No sign of it here, though.
-ESPN’s own Jonathan Coachman’s mug appears on my screen to interview Shawn Michaels so they can recap the HBK/Vince McMahon feud. Shawn reminds us of his stellar Wrestlemania match standard, but then warns us not to expect “a 5-star wrestling classic”. Kind of a generic “point-and-yell” interview from Shawn, actually.
2) Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Finlay vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Ric Flair
-Lillian Garcia is hot; I miss her. Shelton Benjamin does not have gold hair, so I am confused. The announcers point out that Finlay beat Bobby Lashley to qualify for this match, but then…Bobby Lashley is in it, too. Ric Flair was in a MitB match? Holy god, this ought to be good for laughs. This is actually a pretty weak MitB line-up, in my opinion. Only RVD, Matt, and Shelton should have any proficiency for this kind of match, but I like to be surprised. Bobby Lashley beats the hell out of everyone to start the match, and I’m thinking--even with RVD and his career--he had to be the favorite going in. Flair gets superplexed off the ladder by Matt, and sells it like his body is on fire; I actually think at one point the yells “IT BURNS”; it leads to Flair being taken to the back by the medics (he comes back later). Bobby Lashley BADLY overplays the old slow-climb-up-the-ladder bit multiple times, and the announcers even joke about it, saying “Maybe he’s afraid of heights” and “He wasn’t in the Air Force, he was in the Army”. RVD wins the match giving him the payoff he deserved for about a decade at this point. Too bad it would all go up in smoke in a few months. *cough* All said, this wasn’t nearly as much of a spotfest as this match would become, but I guess it was still fairly impressive.
-Hall-of-Famer Gene Okerlund and a crazy young looking Josh Matthews with terrible hair start yapping before Randy Orton shoos them away. Evolution reunion follows as Batista comes out to announce he will soon be coming back from one of his many, many injuries.
-After that, we have the 2006 HoF inductees (minus Bret Hart, who was “uncomfortable” taking part, we are told). Gene Okerlund, Sensational Sherri, Tony Atlas, Verne Gagne, William “The Fridge” Perry, The Blackjacks, the late Eddie Guerrero (hey, remember when we all didn’t hate Vickie? She‘s accepting for him amidst huge “Eddie“ chants). No Koko B. Ware. YET!
3) United States Title Match: JBL vs. Chris Benoit ( c )
-I always feel sad to see former world champions fighting for secondary titles; I never know why that is, but…I do. It’s like…if you were the WORLD CHAMPION, why are you so happy to have a belt that is so much less worthwhile? I keep expecting Jillian to sing, but I guess that’s a ways off here. I must not have been watching too much wrestling before this Wrestlemania, because I don’t remember this feud AT ALL. Bradshaw gets massive heel heat throughout the match by repeatedly ripping off Eddie Guerrero’s moveset and mannerisms. If that won’t get the fans hot for you, I guess, nothing will. I looked it up, and Eddie had only been gone 5 months at this point. Chris Benoit later does the same Eddie moves to a great cheer. JBL wins by rolling over in a Crossface and grabbing the ropes for leverage; I’ll give him credit…that’s not a spot I recall seeing that often.
4) Hardcore Match: Edge vs. Mick Foley.
-Firstly: I demand someone in wrestling tell me what the difference between “No Disqualifications”, “Hardcore”, and “No-Holds Barred” matches. Because I just don’t see it. I mean, aren’t they all the same? I guess this feud came from Edge saying that Mick had gone from being a hardcore legend to being a cuddly, child-safe teddy bear, so Mick decided he would go all bats hit crazy again. Because this is a “Hardcore” match, Joey Styles is suddenly on commentary. Nice contrast: before the match even starts, I’ve heard the commentators say “son of a bitch” and “sinister sexpot”. Try to picture that in the current WWE era. Mick Foley pulls out one of my favorite tools: the barbed wire baseball bat. I never quite understood that. Loosely wrapping pointing rope around a baseball bat seems extraneous considering you’re already hitting them WITH A BASEBALL BAT. That should really be enough. The match is pretty much “hit the other guy with weapons” interspersed with the odd wrestling move (usually “punch”). Edge wins in the end by spearing Mick through a flaming table, which is kind of neat, and by god are these guys bloody at the end of this one. Again…picture that now. Who’d have thought in 2006 how much it would change in such a short time?
-Booker T and Sharmell are backstage hiding from Bogeyman, and Sharmell is complaining about all the freaks in WWE since Bogeyman had been stalking her leading up to this. In short order, we see Paul Buchill pirate fighting, Eugene dribbling a basketball for Ted DiBiase’s money, some weird guy licking Mae Young’s foot, and Goldust. Goldust gives Booker a pep talk, saying Booker needs to embrace his inner freak and put Bogeyman’s worms somewhere he can’t say. Booker leaves, and I guess the weird guy is Snitsky because he says “That wasn’t my fault!”.
5) Booker T & Sharmell vs. Bogeyman
-Yes, Virginia, Bogeyman was on a Wrestlemania. Funny intro spot sees Booker T and Sharmell cringe in terror at Booker’s own pyro. The Bogeyman has his ring introduction, and my fiancee turns away, refusing to watch any more of this with me. Bogey wins clean and decisively over the man who would be both King of the Ring and Heavyweight champion in just a few months. I guess that’s the reward you get for letting a toothless man put worms in your wife’s mouth?
-We get a video recap of the Mickie James/Trist Stratus relationship/feud. God, Mickie was so much solid gold in this role; it’s amazing to me that she would shortly become a HUGE face, and probably one of the most popular wrestlers in all of WWE for a few years, male or female. I was shocked to learn that Ashley pre-dated Mickie in this recap. What an irrelevant mess she was.
6) Women’s Title Match: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus ( c )
-For my money, Mickie is the most attractive WWE Diva not named Sunny. I have to admit, I missed almost all of Trish’s time in WWE while I wasn’t watching, so seeing her wrestle reminds me of just how much of her offense Mickie permanently incorporated. At one point, a massive “Let’s go Mickie!” chant breaks out, and JR says “some of [this crowd] is even cheering for Mickie James“. Was it well-known that Trish would be leaving WWE soon, because the fans end up completely turning on her, booing every time she so much as landed a punch. Good psychology here, as Trish misses a Chick Kick and hit’s the ring post, so Mickie works the leg all match; Continuity and psychology in a Diva match? It’s more likely than you think! At one point, Mickie counters Stratusfaction by…fingering Trish. This is not made-up. Oh, pre-PG13 era. After that, Mickie hit’s the Mick Kick for 3 in a Divas match that is just shy of 9 minutes long, and is fantastically wrestled. The crowd is all over the Mickie win, so maybe it isn’t so amazing to me that she became such a popular baby face character.
-The McMahons are backstage, and I guess they are all a happy family at this point in their lives? I’d love to see a flowchart of their family history; they‘ve got to be the most forgiving human beings on the planet. Vince looks like he took a bath in bronze paint before this promo. I have a feeling this match ends when Vince is hit with the finishing move Melanoma. Vince leads a family prayer and tells God that he broke every law God ever set forth, and I start wondering who Vince kayfabe murdered. I have to admit, I’ve always wondered how Vince could be 60 years old and so chiseled, but Ric Flair had been a flabby bitch for a decade at this point.
7) Casket Match: Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
-So Undertaker’s undefeated streak couldn’t have been THAT big of a deal yet if he’s still fighting the likes of Mark Henry. Michael Cole informs us that this is the first Casket Match in Wrestlemania history. Huh. This feud is born from Mizzark costing Undertaker certain victory against Kurt Angle for the Heavyweight title. I guess it was a return for Henry, too, because in the replay of that night, the announcers are momentarily confused as to who Henry is (“Wait, who’s that man?! It’s Mark Henry!”). Undertaker’s ring entrance clocks in at about 3:30, which gives me time to get bored and re-read Jab’s review of ‘Mania 21. Match is exactly what you’d expect: generic power fare from Henry. Taker does his once-per-year suicide dive. Tombstone. Close the lid. It’s not until next year when Taker starts a streak against Batista, Edge, HBK, and HBK that I guess the streak became super meaningful.
-We get a history lesson in the Heartbreak Kid/Vince McMahon feud. This was back when Vince wanted everyone to kiss his ass or be fired. Hogan was shown as a victim, and we are reminded that Vince stole the belt from Bret and gave it to Shawn so now he can screw Shawn, too. And HEY…the Spirit Squad! I forgot they were a huge part of this. Hey, remember when Kenny Dykstra was the star-in-making of the Spirit Squad? Yeah, me neither.
8) No-Holds Barred Which Is Not The Same As Hardcore! Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon
-Jim Ross states during Shawn’s ring intro that he was “brought back for tonight to call this match”, though he‘s been there all evening. Where had Ross been? Was he having health problems before this? Vince McMahon comes out looking like he devoured a GNC last week. Funny sign of the night sees a fan with a picture of Vince’s face, reading “Shawn, Please Kick Here!” Shawn easily controls the early running until Cheerleader Dolph Ziggler And His Super Friends charge the ring. I loved these guys, but Shawn eliminates them with great ease. GREAT teases in this match where Shawn multiple times had Vince completely helpless, lined up the Sweet Chin Music, then pulled up and elected to hit Vince with new foreign objects instead. Chairs, ladders, garbage cans, tables. He even teases an elbow drop from a ladder through a table before putting the ladder away…and getting a bigger ladder to do the elbow from. This is why Vince is a genius: he sets himself up as a mega powerful uberheel, then always let someone just beat his ass from pillar to post for the fans to eat up.
---
After this, we get a recap of the World Heavyweight title match feud. Kurt Angle won the belt in a battle royal, last eliminating Mark Henry? I don’t recall that, but apparently that was the case because Wikipedia confirms. Rey Mysterio, despite out-and-out losing his Wrestlemania title shot to Randy Orton just gets put back in the match by Teddy Long. If Vickie Guerrero did that for Dolph Ziggler or Edge, the fans would be booing their asses off. But it’s Rey, so they loved it.
---
9) World Heavyweight Title match: Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle ( c )
-Rey is sung to the ring by some terrible….reggae-core band? That’s the best way I can describe them. Funny story….all the Booyaka Boyaka in Rey’s song? In the actual entrance music version, I used to think it said “Move bitch, 619”. Mexicans don’t enunciate very well. Rey’s ring entrance makes Undertaker look like an Olympic sprinter. After that, I am reminded of how much I loved Randy Orton’s old music; it’s such a shame that somebody I like so little has had two of my favorite entrance songs in recent memory. It’s funny how over Randy has gotten since 2006; the fans don’t react to him half as strongly as they would this year. Kurt Angle has obviously had a change in supplements since his match her. He looks almost minute compared to TNA Kurt.
Oddly, this match sees Kurt’s full-on leg-grapevine Anklelock fail 3 times in the first 6 minutes or so, as he makes both Rey and Randy tap to it, but the other is distracting the ref away from it. On the third try, Rey breaks it up with a splash. So my lifelong belief in the infallibility of the leg-grapevine is SHATTERED. In an absolute absurdity, the match is over in just a hair over 9 minutes, which I don’t get at all. These three are all fairly young and in great shape, and yet they are given nowhere near as much time to work with as they deserve. Rey wins with the 619 and gets the world title he had been working so hard for for years.
And here’s where my problem is. I actually did not used to dislike Rey anywhere near as much as I do now; I mean, he has terrible mic skills and neutered his wrestling style to fit in with WWE, but I never minded him. What killed Rey for me was his title reign. Rey was treated as the Brooklyn Brawler of world champions. He would engage in a feud with JBL, starting a program where JBL would just bring out monster after monster to torment Rey…and they all effortlessly squashed him and beat him clean. Mark Henry, Khali, Kane, and at least one or two others I’m sure I’m forgetting were marched out for matches against Rey that weren’t even competitive. It, in my eyes, completely devalued the World Heavyweight Title as long as it was on Rey’s waist. Sure, Rey successfully fended off JBL himself, but he was shown to be weak. Even more annoyingly, years later when NOT a world champion, Rey engaged in a feud with Kane where he was quite competitive and won more than he lost, and I’m positive he has since beaten Mark Henry cleanly. So why bother destroying the credibility of the world title by treating its owner like a helpless child back then? I never understood.
And that’s my rant and part of the reason why I hate Rey. J
---
There is a hilarious segment where we see videos of Cena and HHH backstage getting prepared for their match; when Cena is shown on the screen, the arena ERUPTS in boos. HHH doesn’t fare much better, but the reaction is already so overwhelmingly negative for Cena in 2006. Jim Ross covers it up by basically saying that people in Chicago are big Neanderthals who appreciate old-school wrestling and don’t understand a white man who listens to hip-hop. He specifically prepares the viewers at home for the fact that HHH may be treated as the good guy in this match.
---
10) Playboy Pillow Fight: Candace Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson
-I never understood the point of the modern era “cool down match” between main events. When the fans are already hot for the big matches, why bring the momentum to a screeching halt with a throwaway? I guess these two are fighting….because they had both been in Playboy? Wikipedia says this match is 3:54, but it feels like I spent the last 6 years of my life on it…and that was in fast forward.
---
11 WWE World Title Match: Triple H vs. John Cena ( c )
-Conan the Barbar--oh, I’m sorry. That’s Triple H on a throne, wearing a dead boar and weight belt, and carrying a war hammer--makes his way to the ring first. Odd to think this right here was Trips’ last heel run in its death throes. Oh, and Jerry Lawler makes the exact same Conan reference I was just so proud of. Darn it. John Cena’s entrance starts off with…a history lesson about the Great Depression on the Titantron. OH HEY! A car full of faux-gangsters wielding tommy guns come down to the ring to herald Cena’s arrival, and one of them is very obviously CM Punk. Can’t say I recognize any of the others, but that was a pleasant Easter Egg. Proving that this IS Chicago, the fans aren’t pleased at all with Cena’s arrival, and Lillian Garcia informs me that Cena is still the Doctor of Thuganomics.
For the first several minutes, it’s the fans who steal the show; as Jim Ross calls it: “this is like playing a road game for Cena”. The first several rows are on their feet, waving their arms, and screaming their heads off “Fuck You, Cena” (among other things) before all that much really happens. The match isn’t really bad, but the problem is that HHH’s matches tend to be really formulaic; you know exactly when the knee lift, spine buster, knee-smash, and big clotheslines are all coming several seconds before they do. I will give this match one thing: it has a much higher clotheslines-to-any-other-move ratio than any previous match. Really odd moment where Cena has Trips in the STFU, and the referee starts raising his arm to see if he’s passed out, but Hunter keeps his hand up on the third drop; even with a hostile crowd, why give that moment to the hell? Hilariously, it proves irrelevant as HHH basically taps out immediately after keeping his hand up.
The Review: So how do you review a show in which, for my money, the best match was the Women’s Title match? I feel bad because Kurt/Rey/Orton had huge potential to be a 5-star match, but it was cut painfully short. Even knowing the ending, I actually expected Orton to kick out of the West Coast Pop because it seems like there was too much match left. From a pure entertainment perspective, Shawn/Vince was a great match that gave everybody what they wanted. It was a pedestrian Wrestlemania with two matches of throwaway garbage (Torrie/Candace; Booker/Bogey) and a handful of other matches that were forgettable (the tag title match, the Casket Match, ). Probably in the last third of ‘Manias if I were to put it in J-Ville’s rankings.
The next few things are going to be Wrestlemania reviews I was doing for a wrestling website I frequent. Another guy had reviewed the first 21, but then just quit, so I picked up the ball and am finishing up the last few.
WWE Wrestlemania XXII (2006)
It’s ironic that I start here in lieu of J-Ville, because this was the first Wrestlemania I was around for as a wrestling fan after having given up on wrestling in 2000 or 2001. I think at the time I was only watching Smackdown because I did not have cable and only even started watching again because my bunny ears only picked up 3 channels, and the CW (or whatever it was called in 2006) was one of them. Some of the Smackdown feuds and gimmicks are still fresh in my mind, but the Raw ones are actually pretty brand new to me.
The opening video montage (the one they still do before every episode of wrestling) ends with “WWE: The Power Is Back”. Where did it go?
There is a banner going around the top edge of the arena with blown up portraits of all the night’s competitors, and Hogan is on it. Was he still around here? Now that I look again, Eddie Guerrero is pictured right next to Hogan, but everyone I see around them is both alive and on the show.
Generic Destiny’s Child Lady Who Isn’t Beyonce is opening the show by singing “America the Beautiful” or “God Bless America” or something. You hear one America song, you’ve heard them all. She actually looks downright angry to be there when they introduce her, which strikes me as…odd. Look, you aren’t Mrs. Jay-Z so just be happy to get a gig. After this is a video montage of Wrestlemania history, and jeez….when does the wrestling start? It is nice how they contrast guys like HHH, Shawn Michaels, and Undertaker’s first Wrestlemania appearance against their most recent. Wrestling STILL does not start as we next get a feud recap.
1) Tag Team Title Match: Carlito & Chris Masters vs. Kane & The Big Show ( c )
-The crowd is DEAD for Masters’ introduction. Maybe a few scattered boos at best. His music was always pretty quiet, and you can hear every note of it over the roar of the crowd. And jeez, how many guys has Big Show teamed with regularly, much less won tag titles with? Kane and Show are the faces here? Then what is the point of this match? No one can think Carlito and Masters posed a threat, and if they are the bad guys, there’s no underdog aura. JR reminds us right after the bell that this is the FIRST TIME SINCE Wrestlemania 15 that the tag titles have been defended in a simple two-on-two match. Crazy! Funny spot where Carlito and Show get locked in a Test of Strength, and they both just look back and forth at their locked hands and each other’s face. Carlito hits the Backstabber for possibly the first time ever because JR calls it “what an innovative move; a version of a backbreaker!”, but to no avail. Kane pins Carlito with a Chokeslam for the [relatively] easy win. Nothing of note here, but it isn’t hard to watch, either. I’m reminded See No Evil came out a few months after this, so Kane has to be turning heel soon. No sign of it here, though.
-ESPN’s own Jonathan Coachman’s mug appears on my screen to interview Shawn Michaels so they can recap the HBK/Vince McMahon feud. Shawn reminds us of his stellar Wrestlemania match standard, but then warns us not to expect “a 5-star wrestling classic”. Kind of a generic “point-and-yell” interview from Shawn, actually.
2) Money In The Bank Ladder Match: Matt Hardy vs. Shelton Benjamin vs. Finlay vs. Rob Van Dam vs. Bobby Lashley vs. Ric Flair
-Lillian Garcia is hot; I miss her. Shelton Benjamin does not have gold hair, so I am confused. The announcers point out that Finlay beat Bobby Lashley to qualify for this match, but then…Bobby Lashley is in it, too. Ric Flair was in a MitB match? Holy god, this ought to be good for laughs. This is actually a pretty weak MitB line-up, in my opinion. Only RVD, Matt, and Shelton should have any proficiency for this kind of match, but I like to be surprised. Bobby Lashley beats the hell out of everyone to start the match, and I’m thinking--even with RVD and his career--he had to be the favorite going in. Flair gets superplexed off the ladder by Matt, and sells it like his body is on fire; I actually think at one point the yells “IT BURNS”; it leads to Flair being taken to the back by the medics (he comes back later). Bobby Lashley BADLY overplays the old slow-climb-up-the-ladder bit multiple times, and the announcers even joke about it, saying “Maybe he’s afraid of heights” and “He wasn’t in the Air Force, he was in the Army”. RVD wins the match giving him the payoff he deserved for about a decade at this point. Too bad it would all go up in smoke in a few months. *cough* All said, this wasn’t nearly as much of a spotfest as this match would become, but I guess it was still fairly impressive.
-Hall-of-Famer Gene Okerlund and a crazy young looking Josh Matthews with terrible hair start yapping before Randy Orton shoos them away. Evolution reunion follows as Batista comes out to announce he will soon be coming back from one of his many, many injuries.
-After that, we have the 2006 HoF inductees (minus Bret Hart, who was “uncomfortable” taking part, we are told). Gene Okerlund, Sensational Sherri, Tony Atlas, Verne Gagne, William “The Fridge” Perry, The Blackjacks, the late Eddie Guerrero (hey, remember when we all didn’t hate Vickie? She‘s accepting for him amidst huge “Eddie“ chants). No Koko B. Ware. YET!
3) United States Title Match: JBL vs. Chris Benoit ( c )
-I always feel sad to see former world champions fighting for secondary titles; I never know why that is, but…I do. It’s like…if you were the WORLD CHAMPION, why are you so happy to have a belt that is so much less worthwhile? I keep expecting Jillian to sing, but I guess that’s a ways off here. I must not have been watching too much wrestling before this Wrestlemania, because I don’t remember this feud AT ALL. Bradshaw gets massive heel heat throughout the match by repeatedly ripping off Eddie Guerrero’s moveset and mannerisms. If that won’t get the fans hot for you, I guess, nothing will. I looked it up, and Eddie had only been gone 5 months at this point. Chris Benoit later does the same Eddie moves to a great cheer. JBL wins by rolling over in a Crossface and grabbing the ropes for leverage; I’ll give him credit…that’s not a spot I recall seeing that often.
4) Hardcore Match: Edge vs. Mick Foley.
-Firstly: I demand someone in wrestling tell me what the difference between “No Disqualifications”, “Hardcore”, and “No-Holds Barred” matches. Because I just don’t see it. I mean, aren’t they all the same? I guess this feud came from Edge saying that Mick had gone from being a hardcore legend to being a cuddly, child-safe teddy bear, so Mick decided he would go all bats hit crazy again. Because this is a “Hardcore” match, Joey Styles is suddenly on commentary. Nice contrast: before the match even starts, I’ve heard the commentators say “son of a bitch” and “sinister sexpot”. Try to picture that in the current WWE era. Mick Foley pulls out one of my favorite tools: the barbed wire baseball bat. I never quite understood that. Loosely wrapping pointing rope around a baseball bat seems extraneous considering you’re already hitting them WITH A BASEBALL BAT. That should really be enough. The match is pretty much “hit the other guy with weapons” interspersed with the odd wrestling move (usually “punch”). Edge wins in the end by spearing Mick through a flaming table, which is kind of neat, and by god are these guys bloody at the end of this one. Again…picture that now. Who’d have thought in 2006 how much it would change in such a short time?
-Booker T and Sharmell are backstage hiding from Bogeyman, and Sharmell is complaining about all the freaks in WWE since Bogeyman had been stalking her leading up to this. In short order, we see Paul Buchill pirate fighting, Eugene dribbling a basketball for Ted DiBiase’s money, some weird guy licking Mae Young’s foot, and Goldust. Goldust gives Booker a pep talk, saying Booker needs to embrace his inner freak and put Bogeyman’s worms somewhere he can’t say. Booker leaves, and I guess the weird guy is Snitsky because he says “That wasn’t my fault!”.
5) Booker T & Sharmell vs. Bogeyman
-Yes, Virginia, Bogeyman was on a Wrestlemania. Funny intro spot sees Booker T and Sharmell cringe in terror at Booker’s own pyro. The Bogeyman has his ring introduction, and my fiancee turns away, refusing to watch any more of this with me. Bogey wins clean and decisively over the man who would be both King of the Ring and Heavyweight champion in just a few months. I guess that’s the reward you get for letting a toothless man put worms in your wife’s mouth?
-We get a video recap of the Mickie James/Trist Stratus relationship/feud. God, Mickie was so much solid gold in this role; it’s amazing to me that she would shortly become a HUGE face, and probably one of the most popular wrestlers in all of WWE for a few years, male or female. I was shocked to learn that Ashley pre-dated Mickie in this recap. What an irrelevant mess she was.
6) Women’s Title Match: Mickie James vs. Trish Stratus ( c )
-For my money, Mickie is the most attractive WWE Diva not named Sunny. I have to admit, I missed almost all of Trish’s time in WWE while I wasn’t watching, so seeing her wrestle reminds me of just how much of her offense Mickie permanently incorporated. At one point, a massive “Let’s go Mickie!” chant breaks out, and JR says “some of [this crowd] is even cheering for Mickie James“. Was it well-known that Trish would be leaving WWE soon, because the fans end up completely turning on her, booing every time she so much as landed a punch. Good psychology here, as Trish misses a Chick Kick and hit’s the ring post, so Mickie works the leg all match; Continuity and psychology in a Diva match? It’s more likely than you think! At one point, Mickie counters Stratusfaction by…fingering Trish. This is not made-up. Oh, pre-PG13 era. After that, Mickie hit’s the Mick Kick for 3 in a Divas match that is just shy of 9 minutes long, and is fantastically wrestled. The crowd is all over the Mickie win, so maybe it isn’t so amazing to me that she became such a popular baby face character.
-The McMahons are backstage, and I guess they are all a happy family at this point in their lives? I’d love to see a flowchart of their family history; they‘ve got to be the most forgiving human beings on the planet. Vince looks like he took a bath in bronze paint before this promo. I have a feeling this match ends when Vince is hit with the finishing move Melanoma. Vince leads a family prayer and tells God that he broke every law God ever set forth, and I start wondering who Vince kayfabe murdered. I have to admit, I’ve always wondered how Vince could be 60 years old and so chiseled, but Ric Flair had been a flabby bitch for a decade at this point.
7) Casket Match: Undertaker vs. Mark Henry
-So Undertaker’s undefeated streak couldn’t have been THAT big of a deal yet if he’s still fighting the likes of Mark Henry. Michael Cole informs us that this is the first Casket Match in Wrestlemania history. Huh. This feud is born from Mizzark costing Undertaker certain victory against Kurt Angle for the Heavyweight title. I guess it was a return for Henry, too, because in the replay of that night, the announcers are momentarily confused as to who Henry is (“Wait, who’s that man?! It’s Mark Henry!”). Undertaker’s ring entrance clocks in at about 3:30, which gives me time to get bored and re-read Jab’s review of ‘Mania 21. Match is exactly what you’d expect: generic power fare from Henry. Taker does his once-per-year suicide dive. Tombstone. Close the lid. It’s not until next year when Taker starts a streak against Batista, Edge, HBK, and HBK that I guess the streak became super meaningful.
-We get a history lesson in the Heartbreak Kid/Vince McMahon feud. This was back when Vince wanted everyone to kiss his ass or be fired. Hogan was shown as a victim, and we are reminded that Vince stole the belt from Bret and gave it to Shawn so now he can screw Shawn, too. And HEY…the Spirit Squad! I forgot they were a huge part of this. Hey, remember when Kenny Dykstra was the star-in-making of the Spirit Squad? Yeah, me neither.
8) No-Holds Barred Which Is Not The Same As Hardcore! Match: Shawn Michaels vs. Vince McMahon
-Jim Ross states during Shawn’s ring intro that he was “brought back for tonight to call this match”, though he‘s been there all evening. Where had Ross been? Was he having health problems before this? Vince McMahon comes out looking like he devoured a GNC last week. Funny sign of the night sees a fan with a picture of Vince’s face, reading “Shawn, Please Kick Here!” Shawn easily controls the early running until Cheerleader Dolph Ziggler And His Super Friends charge the ring. I loved these guys, but Shawn eliminates them with great ease. GREAT teases in this match where Shawn multiple times had Vince completely helpless, lined up the Sweet Chin Music, then pulled up and elected to hit Vince with new foreign objects instead. Chairs, ladders, garbage cans, tables. He even teases an elbow drop from a ladder through a table before putting the ladder away…and getting a bigger ladder to do the elbow from. This is why Vince is a genius: he sets himself up as a mega powerful uberheel, then always let someone just beat his ass from pillar to post for the fans to eat up.
---
After this, we get a recap of the World Heavyweight title match feud. Kurt Angle won the belt in a battle royal, last eliminating Mark Henry? I don’t recall that, but apparently that was the case because Wikipedia confirms. Rey Mysterio, despite out-and-out losing his Wrestlemania title shot to Randy Orton just gets put back in the match by Teddy Long. If Vickie Guerrero did that for Dolph Ziggler or Edge, the fans would be booing their asses off. But it’s Rey, so they loved it.
---
9) World Heavyweight Title match: Rey Mysterio vs. Randy Orton vs. Kurt Angle ( c )
-Rey is sung to the ring by some terrible….reggae-core band? That’s the best way I can describe them. Funny story….all the Booyaka Boyaka in Rey’s song? In the actual entrance music version, I used to think it said “Move bitch, 619”. Mexicans don’t enunciate very well. Rey’s ring entrance makes Undertaker look like an Olympic sprinter. After that, I am reminded of how much I loved Randy Orton’s old music; it’s such a shame that somebody I like so little has had two of my favorite entrance songs in recent memory. It’s funny how over Randy has gotten since 2006; the fans don’t react to him half as strongly as they would this year. Kurt Angle has obviously had a change in supplements since his match her. He looks almost minute compared to TNA Kurt.
Oddly, this match sees Kurt’s full-on leg-grapevine Anklelock fail 3 times in the first 6 minutes or so, as he makes both Rey and Randy tap to it, but the other is distracting the ref away from it. On the third try, Rey breaks it up with a splash. So my lifelong belief in the infallibility of the leg-grapevine is SHATTERED. In an absolute absurdity, the match is over in just a hair over 9 minutes, which I don’t get at all. These three are all fairly young and in great shape, and yet they are given nowhere near as much time to work with as they deserve. Rey wins with the 619 and gets the world title he had been working so hard for for years.
And here’s where my problem is. I actually did not used to dislike Rey anywhere near as much as I do now; I mean, he has terrible mic skills and neutered his wrestling style to fit in with WWE, but I never minded him. What killed Rey for me was his title reign. Rey was treated as the Brooklyn Brawler of world champions. He would engage in a feud with JBL, starting a program where JBL would just bring out monster after monster to torment Rey…and they all effortlessly squashed him and beat him clean. Mark Henry, Khali, Kane, and at least one or two others I’m sure I’m forgetting were marched out for matches against Rey that weren’t even competitive. It, in my eyes, completely devalued the World Heavyweight Title as long as it was on Rey’s waist. Sure, Rey successfully fended off JBL himself, but he was shown to be weak. Even more annoyingly, years later when NOT a world champion, Rey engaged in a feud with Kane where he was quite competitive and won more than he lost, and I’m positive he has since beaten Mark Henry cleanly. So why bother destroying the credibility of the world title by treating its owner like a helpless child back then? I never understood.
And that’s my rant and part of the reason why I hate Rey. J
---
There is a hilarious segment where we see videos of Cena and HHH backstage getting prepared for their match; when Cena is shown on the screen, the arena ERUPTS in boos. HHH doesn’t fare much better, but the reaction is already so overwhelmingly negative for Cena in 2006. Jim Ross covers it up by basically saying that people in Chicago are big Neanderthals who appreciate old-school wrestling and don’t understand a white man who listens to hip-hop. He specifically prepares the viewers at home for the fact that HHH may be treated as the good guy in this match.
---
10) Playboy Pillow Fight: Candace Michelle vs. Torrie Wilson
-I never understood the point of the modern era “cool down match” between main events. When the fans are already hot for the big matches, why bring the momentum to a screeching halt with a throwaway? I guess these two are fighting….because they had both been in Playboy? Wikipedia says this match is 3:54, but it feels like I spent the last 6 years of my life on it…and that was in fast forward.
---
11 WWE World Title Match: Triple H vs. John Cena ( c )
-Conan the Barbar--oh, I’m sorry. That’s Triple H on a throne, wearing a dead boar and weight belt, and carrying a war hammer--makes his way to the ring first. Odd to think this right here was Trips’ last heel run in its death throes. Oh, and Jerry Lawler makes the exact same Conan reference I was just so proud of. Darn it. John Cena’s entrance starts off with…a history lesson about the Great Depression on the Titantron. OH HEY! A car full of faux-gangsters wielding tommy guns come down to the ring to herald Cena’s arrival, and one of them is very obviously CM Punk. Can’t say I recognize any of the others, but that was a pleasant Easter Egg. Proving that this IS Chicago, the fans aren’t pleased at all with Cena’s arrival, and Lillian Garcia informs me that Cena is still the Doctor of Thuganomics.
For the first several minutes, it’s the fans who steal the show; as Jim Ross calls it: “this is like playing a road game for Cena”. The first several rows are on their feet, waving their arms, and screaming their heads off “Fuck You, Cena” (among other things) before all that much really happens. The match isn’t really bad, but the problem is that HHH’s matches tend to be really formulaic; you know exactly when the knee lift, spine buster, knee-smash, and big clotheslines are all coming several seconds before they do. I will give this match one thing: it has a much higher clotheslines-to-any-other-move ratio than any previous match. Really odd moment where Cena has Trips in the STFU, and the referee starts raising his arm to see if he’s passed out, but Hunter keeps his hand up on the third drop; even with a hostile crowd, why give that moment to the hell? Hilariously, it proves irrelevant as HHH basically taps out immediately after keeping his hand up.
The Review: So how do you review a show in which, for my money, the best match was the Women’s Title match? I feel bad because Kurt/Rey/Orton had huge potential to be a 5-star match, but it was cut painfully short. Even knowing the ending, I actually expected Orton to kick out of the West Coast Pop because it seems like there was too much match left. From a pure entertainment perspective, Shawn/Vince was a great match that gave everybody what they wanted. It was a pedestrian Wrestlemania with two matches of throwaway garbage (Torrie/Candace; Booker/Bogey) and a handful of other matches that were forgettable (the tag title match, the Casket Match, ). Probably in the last third of ‘Manias if I were to put it in J-Ville’s rankings.