Wrestlemania 23
That was WM22, here is WM23's review.
Wrestlemania 23
The theme of Wrestlemania 23 was “All Grown Up”. I am…not entirely sure why. Wrestlemania had been drinking age for 2 years at this point. Oh, and don’t worry about forgetting that this was the theme because they would have vignettes to remind you EVERY OTHER MATCH. These vignettes all feature Rey Mysterio--oh wait, my mistake--little kids pretending to be WWE superstars while the actual wrestlers narrated remembering how much they wanted to be pro wrestlers when they were kids.
Aretha Franklin opens by singing an INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC version of God Bless America, and I wonder…why don’t they just sing the Star Spangled Banner? I mean, isn’t that the typical opener to a sporting event? I’ve always pondered this…
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Match 1: Money In The Bank Ladder Match - Jeff Hardy vs. King Booker vs. Finlay vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge
The backstory: Year 3 of the Money In The Bank experiment was going swimmingly, as people had really grown to love the concept. Edge had used his winning of the first MitB to catapault himself to the cusp of the main event, and Rob Van Dam…well, he got his big push a few years too late, anyway. Mr. Kennedy was THE hot up-and-comer here who the announcers won’t stop telling us “beat 7 World Champions in the past year!”.
The Match: Everyone comes to the ring with mild fanfare EXCEPT Mr. Kennedy who gets to do his microphone summoning to yell his name at us. It’s nice when wrestling gives you massive clues as to who is the big deal in the upcoming match. It’s actually funny to see Orton and Edge in this match since this is basically a career-builder concept and these two were both not quite the main event mainstays they’d become. Despite the fact that I’d been back watching wrestling for over a year at this point, I really don’t remember the Rated RKO era at all. I guess I still had not gotten back into Raw yet. JBL, who was never a very good wrestler, has the commentary of the night when Matt Hardy threatens to hit the Twist of Fate on Sharmell to get Booker to come down off the ladder (because that is somehow easier than just going up and getting him); JBL just starts screaming at Booker to forget Sharmell--”I’ve left plenty of women in my career!”. Michael Cole should take notes on how heels are supposed to commentate. Kennedy misses a senton bomb mid-match and SMACKS his head on the side of a ladder…that had to hurt, so props for him for shaking it off. Oh yeah, this match has one of the 2 or 3 most well-known MitB spots ever: Jeff Hardy leg-dropping Edge through a ladder from off of another ladder in the ring. Both of them get carried out afterwards. Oh, and Mr. Kennedy wins, and I snicker.
The aftermath: For either the first or second time in his career (but not the last!), Kennedy blows his big push by getting injured shortly after this win and having to sacrifice the briefcase to Edge, who would cash in for the second time. Orton and Edge would both be beyond such things by Wrestlemania 24, so this is memorable for being the last ‘Mania before they became so omnipresent. CM Punk was the last guy Kennedy had to fight off to win here, but he would have better luck in the future.
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Match 2: Kane vs. The Great Khali
The backstory: After a few false-starts, The Great Khali made his debut in WWE within the past year (he had started a feud with Taker at one point, then simply vanished, leaving ‘Taker to fight Big Show in a Punjabi Prison Match, which makes NO sense), and was getting the “Unstoppable Monster” push. To prove how powerful he was, he gets to match up with someone who’s had a few Unstoppable Monster pushes in his career (and was actually coming off a year when he had had yet another, thanks to Vince wanting to hype See No Evil [which is one of my dad’s favorite movies ever]). It’s heralded as a Smackdown! vs. Raw match. Kane’s ring introduction features a flaming pentagram prop; if Kane really had Satanic powers, he would probably fare better than he does here…
The match: The fans don’t care about two plodding heels, and this match has no heat for the most part. Near the end of the match, Kane hit’s a very dramatic simple bodyslam on Khali in a blatantly obvious attempt to remind us that this Wrestlemania was being held in Detroit, the home of Wrestlemania 3. It strikes me as weird that they would use that spot here in a match featuring two heels; the fans aren’t exactly going to eat up one heel bodyslamming another. Poor Kane not only gets beaten in 5 minutes, but Khali pins him with ONE FOOT. Did the bookers forget they put KANE in this match, not Joey Mercury? The guy who used to kick out of Tombstones eats a one-foot pin after Khali’s double-armed choke drop. I am not sure my brain has still fully processed this.
The aftermath: Poor Kane would continue about his career of alternately turning heel or face every few months and never really gaining any momentum for the next few…well, forever, really. Khali would get a few World Title feuds within the year, and even win one (does anyone remember he was actually the Heavyweight Champion? I almost forgot until I was writing this) before eventually sliding down into mid-carderdom.
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There’s a fairly negligible comedy segment after this that I’m only even bringing up because I want someone to tell me what happened to The Girl From Xtreme Xpose That Was Not Kelly Or Layla. (Rhetorical…I just looked it up. I guess she’s been in TNA)
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Match 3: United States Title Match - Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Benoit ( c )
The backstory: MVP had started some ridiculous gimmick to initiate this feud by challenging random local nobodies and declaring they were the Luxembourg Champion or Spain Champion, so he was therefore ready to defeat the United States Champion, Benoit (who was entering Wrestlemania as U.S. champ again, despite having lost that same belt at ‘Mania last year. And once again, I feel bad for guys who used to be World Champion when they are forced to lower their gaze).
The match: …is borderline great. I mean, I know Benoit is extremely capable, but MVP is really in his prime here, too, and totally brought his A+ game for his first Wrestlemania. A metric 2000 lbs of counter wrestling throughout the entirety of the match, with MVP basically made out to be this guy who could counter almost anything Benoit attempts. The announcers can’t stop slobbering on MVP’s knob about how amazing he is in there out-wrestling Benoit, and you really remember that, when this ‘Mania was happening, Kennedy and MVP were no-brainers as the future of the company. During Wrestlemania 23, we’d all have figured that the main event of Wrestlemania 27 would have been MVP vs. Kennedy for one of the world titles…possibly for the second straight year or so. So…we’re all idiots. But Porter totally deserves the accolades the announcers are heaping on him because this match is very well-wrestled, in the traditional sense. Benoit wins after a flying head butt, and I totally forgot he sometimes used that as a finisher.
The aftermath: MVP would win the US title shortly thereafter, and he would hold it for just under a full year, giving him the third-longest US title reign in history (not WWE history…US Title history!). Like I said…Kennedy vs. MVP. Don’t lie and say you didn’t think it was the future. This would also be Chris Benoit’s last Wrestlemania, as he would end up going CooCoo for Murderpuffs shortly after this.
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After that, there is a segment with Donald Trump being thoroughly unimpressed by Bogeyman. God, was he really still around at this point?
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2007 Hall of Fame Inductees: Wild Samoans, The [non-iron] Shiek, Nick Bockwinke, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect, Jerry Lawler, Dusty Rhodes. Was Dusty Rhodes really the headliner of this class? Because he gets called last during the segment. I was never really impressed with Dusty in any way, shape, or form, so I can’t say I care for him headlining the class of 2007 over Hennig or Ross/Lawler (who really should have been inducted as a duo). Dusty to me will always be the fat nobody in polka dots who went on to become a terrible announcer. That’s right, smarks. I never got into early 80’s NWA! Rhodes is also the same guy who recently said there were only “5 or 6 guys” who even non-wrestling fans know about, and he fucking included himself in that list (with Hogan, Savage, Flair, and Andre). Talk about an over-inflated sense of self-worth; remember when we were dividing guys up into “tiers” based on their cultural relevance? I wouldn’t even put Rhodes in the top 5 or 6 TIERS. I think more people in the world have heard of HalloweenJack than Dusty Rhodes.
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Match 4: World Heavyweight Title Match - Undertaker vs. Batista ( c )
The backstory: Undertaker won the 2007 Royal Rumble (mere hours after I ruled him completely out of winning it because I had just chalked Undertaker up as a near-legend who did not need title belts to get him or his feuds heat), and chose Batista as his target (in a flashback that amuses me, we are shown Taker choosing from amongst Batista for the Heavyweight title, Cena for the WWE title, and…Bobby Lashley for the ECW title. Oh, ECW title. Were you really in consideration as a World Title at this point?). Seeing as how Taker and Batista were both faces, they played the same angle that happens every time two faces are fighting over a belt: they are forced to team up and get along begrudgingly until one attacks the other out of “lack of respect” or “hunger for the belt”. At some point along the way, Batista declared he “no longer respects” the Undertaker, and sometimes you can make a feud work this way, but…not here.
The match: Just a generic, slow-paced brawl. It feels as little like a Wrestlemania match as anything else on the card here, as they just go through the motions, putting on a typical match for these two. And out of the first 4 matches on the card, this is the second one to just be a brawl between two power-houses without any real excitement. Ugh. There is literally NO drama here, and at no point was Taker’s victory in peril. There was one nice moment where Batista hits a running power slam through the announce table, but that was absolutely the match’s whole load.
The aftermath: Batista and ‘Taker would go on to keep fighting over the belt and having much better matches than they did here. They had a cage match on Smackdown that was especially noteworthy, so I can‘t see why they couldn‘t have motivated themselves to put on any semblance of a performance here. After one such match between them, Taker would be left laid out in pain, allowing Edge to cash in Kennedy’s Money In The Bank for the Heavyweight Title, which would end up setting up one of the main events at Wrestlemania 24.
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Match 5: ECW Originals (Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Rob Van Dam, Sabu) vs. ECW New Breed (Matt Striker, Kevin Thorn, Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, with Ariel)
The backstory: WWE was trying to use ECW as its breeding grounds for hot new young talent, and the old guard members of ECW (the guys that made ECW such a threat to Vince that he had to buy it rather than bother competing with its voracious, if Neanderthallic, fan base) were unhappy that they were essentially being pushed out the door. Vince McMahon, according to Joey Styles here, basically declared the ECW Originals to be worthless garbage, so they decided to take it to the new guys and see who really has the ECW stuff. Fun fact: Since Bobby Lashley’s match this night is not a title match, this is the only ECW match of the evening!
The match: …has nothing ECW about it. Why even bother declaring this “ECW Originals vs. ECW New Breed” when the match features no weapons, no giant melees, no intricate drama-filled storylines. They just have a basic tag team match for about 6 minutes or so. Vince, backing up what he said in kayfabe, obviously had no real-life interest in giving ECW even a chance to steal the show here. Rob Van Dam kind of harmlessly ends this with a Five Star onto Matt Striker (who I totally forgot was ever a wrestler, even though he constantly talks about having been hit by this move from that guy, or that move from this guy, etc etc). I guess the match was a career reward for Sandman, Sabu, and Dreamer (they not only got to wrestle at Wrestlemania, but they even got to pick up a win), but in the end, I can’t help but feel they were screwed because they weren’t allowed to bring anything to the table. I know others here, most notably Jabroniville, have mentioned that 90’s ECW “really doesn’t hold up” when you watch it nowadays (after all that the Hardys, Edge/Christian, the Dudleys, the Main Event Style, and the Hardcore title brought to wrestling in the Attitude era), but I have to admit to having a massive soft spot for that era. It wasn’t just guys hitting each other with canes and flaming chairs (although I will always remember Tommy Dreamer using a cheese-grater on Brian Lee’s crotch, and that is my favorite weapon-spot ever); it was over-the-top characters (the original Dudley clan, the FBI, Al Snow), great tag team action (The Pitbulls, the Eliminators, the Gangsters, Public Enemy), introducing America to Mexican and Japanese stars (Eddie, Rey, Jericho), amazing wrestling (Sabu, Taz, Rob Van Dam) and just crazy fucking storylines (anything relating to Dreamer/Raven/Sandman). I still get a kick out of watching my old ECW tapes, even after having seen everything the Attitude Era had to offer. I’ll always remember mid-90’s ECW as, probably, my favorite wrestling era ever, so the fact that this match was so neutered really pisses me off. If you’re going to have an ECW match at Wrestlemania, have an EC f’n W match at Wrestlemania!
The aftermath: Yeah, how’d that New Breed work out for you? Matt Striker is the only one that “made it”, and he did it on the other side of the announcer table! Thorn and Cor Von were gone within the year, and Elijah Burke is, if my guess is correct, the Pope guy that even TNA doesn’t have a use for. Rob Van Dam had burned a lot of…bridges, and this would be his last Wrestlemania. Sabu, hopefully, retired because GOD did he look bad here. I have a sad, sad feeling he is still roaming the night somewhere, though; willing to put himself through a table anywhere more than 20 people have congregated.
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Match 6: Battle of the Billionaires; Hair vs. Hair match - Bobby Lashley (representing Donald Trump) vs. Umaga (representing Vince McMahon), with special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin
The backstory: Well, I dunno. How long has Donald Trump had that ridiculous hairdo? Vince and Donald had worked together and been buddy-buddy for years, so I suppose Vince brought forth this idea after The Celebrity had been on for a few seasons and Trump’s hair was a national joke. Really, with Trump and Vince both being the textbook definition of shameless self-promoters, this match was just a matter of time. Vince challenged Trump to a match on TV, and since Trump obviously wasn’t getting into the ring himself, they chose Umaga and Lashley as their personal representatives. At the time, they looked like pretty good choices: Umaga was still a fresh and unstoppable monster, and Bobby was right up there with Kennedy and MVP as being obvious Next Big Thing projects. Somewhere along the line, Steve Austin got anointed special guest referee (really, ever since he retired, he does this every few ‘Manias. He’s done it here, with Goldberg/Brock, and with Cole/Lawler. Am I missing any others?), and we were off.
The match: Honestly, the single most memorable aspect of this match to me was that it featured what HAS to be a world record for ring entrances for a one-on-one match. There are SIX. Vince, Trump, Umaga, Lashley, Austin, and THE MOTHER FUCKING BARBER CHAIR all get a separate ring entrance. That is not a joke. The barber chair that the loser would have their head shaved in actually had its own ring entrance. It gets sent out to the ring on some kind of conveyor belt with barber shop music playing. I can’t stress enough how ludicrous this is. An inanimate object had its own ring entrance. Jesus, that really says it all about Wrestlemania 23. The rest of the match is non-descript, as neither Lashley nor Umaga is at all capable of anything better than a 3.5 star match at their absolute best with another good worker, and are capable of much, much less when paired with each other. Lashley wins after Steve Stuns Umaga, which every single human being in the world saw coming, and then the audience is…treated?…to a several minute long segment of Lashley, Trump, and Austin shaving his head. It is kind of worth it for Vince’s brilliant crying and begging.
The aftermath: Santino Marella. I know, right? But it’s true. Lashley and Umaga would continue feuding after this, which would lead to the Milan Miracle during a European tour. So, when I think of things that way, I can’t really hate this feud all that much. Even if it gave a CHAIR A FRIGGIN’ RING ENTRANCE.
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Match 7: Lumberjill match for the Women’s Championship: Ashley vs. Melina ( c )
The backstory: Mickie James was already pushed to the background of the Women’s Division (temporarily, her natural talent and over-ness would see her rise back to the top soon enough), so that we could focus on The Best Wrestler In The World, Melina (source: Bret Hart. Eat that, fan boys. Your infallible Bret Hart once stated he thought Melina was the best wrestler in the world, EITHER GENDER. That stroke messed him up worse than we had ever thought). Facing her was recent Playboy cover girl, Ashley.
The match: Mercifully short cool-down match, though they manage to fit an inordinate amount of botches into their brief window. These two couldn’t even run near each other without it looking like they had never worked a match before in their lives. Clumsy tackles, moves that don’t connect…it’s just ugly. Melina wins, which makes sense because despite being in Playboy, the crowd has no reaction for Ashley whatsoever.
The post-match: Melina would go onto feud with Candace Michelle for a while before turning face. Oh, and, of course, she would continue to be the single greatest wrestler in the entire known world. Ashley would go onto virtually nothing. So maybe there is a god.
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WWE Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena ( c )
The backstory: I thought I had remembered Shawn winning the title shot because he was the #2 guy left in the Royal Rumble, but a vignette shows me he beat Rated-RKO in a triple threat match to win the right. Remember how I talked about the boring, pre-planned build-up between Batista and Undertaker? Well, Shawn and Cena do the same thing, but because they actually have charisma, they manage to do it RIGHT and make it a good story. At the time of Wrestlemania, they are actually the Tag Team Champions, having beaten Edge and Orton (though, notably, neither of them wears/brings their part of the tag belts to the ring for the match here, which I feel even further devalues the tag belts). Shawn had been getting chewed out because, during their teaming, he had several opportunities to attack Cena, but never did, so the torment builds inside of him until he finally starts Superkicking the hell out of Cena in tag matches.
The match: For some reason, Shawn comes out to his D-X music. I know he and HHH had teamed back up, but by this point, Hunter had been on the shelf for months. When you are main-eventing Wrestlemania, it seems weird you wouldn’t use your exclusive ring entrance. And I’ll give Cena credit…I really do like that he pulls out something special every year for his Wrestlemania ring entrance, even if they aren’t all great. This one just shows a Mustang driving crazily outside the area (remember, we are in Detroit, so American Muscle Cars should pop!), until he finally pulls into the arena and drives out to ringside in it. The match itself is good, but they really spam the hell out of the “Shawn chops Cena; Cena punches Shawn” back-and-forth. They do it in all phases of the match (beginning, middle, and end). I know Shawn really loved that chop late in his career, but it feels a bit like Randy Orton’s headlocks after a while in this match. As much as I love and defend Shawn, his late-career matches featured WAY too much of that chop. And since I already reviewed WM25, can I ask aloud if there is a trend to Shawn working the knee, only for the other guy to immediately stop selling it at the midway point in the match? Even my fiancee asked “wasn’t his knee really hurt a while ago?” when Cena just completely abandoned even doing so much as a light limp within 2 minutes of Shawn‘s assault on it. There is a wicked spot where Shawn’s frustration bubbles up after accidentally Superkicking the referee, and he sets up to piledrive Cena onto the ring steps--I immediately am thinking, “Well, here comes the backdrop and Cena’s comeback”, but nope; Shawn hits it.
There is a good exchange late in the match where they chain-wrestle a bit with Cena holding Shawn’s leg, trying for the STFU, but Shawn kicks Cena away. Cena holds on, pulls Shawn back in, but Shawn flips away. Cena holds on, pulls Shawn back in, but Shawn wraps him up in a cradle, and you actually think Shawn might have it (despite the fact that a Wrestlemania has ended with a small package all of never before). Both guys kick out of the other’s finisher (because it IS Wrestlemania, so that has to happen), until Cena finally gets the STFU locked on and Shawn taps.
The aftermath: Cena tries to shake Shawn’s hand post-match, but Shawn just walks away. They would have a few more great matches (Shawn would win anything non-title, but always lose his title shot opportunities), and HBK would eventually cost them the tag titles. After that, HBK continued his goodwill mission of putting over the future generation by feuding with Randy Orton and Cena would start a title feud with The Great Khali.
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In summation: A bottom-third Wrestlemania. It does have two great matches (Shawn vs. Cena and Benoit vs. MVP would both be 4/5 if I was the rating kind of guy), but every other match that wasn’t the Money In The Bank match was 2 stars at absolute best. Why they put two atrocious, boring workers like Umaga and Lashley in the highest-profile match makes absolutely no sense to me, but I accept that that contest was a lot more about the post-match than the bout itself. Kane vs. Khali was sloppy and tried to redeem itself by giving one heel a heroic moment over the other, the Lumberjill match was awful, the Heavyweight title match was bland, and the ECW match had no business even being called that. It was a real struggle to sit through this ‘Mania, and not even a clusterfruck kind of silly fun struggle like it would be to review WM9.
Wrestlemania 23
The theme of Wrestlemania 23 was “All Grown Up”. I am…not entirely sure why. Wrestlemania had been drinking age for 2 years at this point. Oh, and don’t worry about forgetting that this was the theme because they would have vignettes to remind you EVERY OTHER MATCH. These vignettes all feature Rey Mysterio--oh wait, my mistake--little kids pretending to be WWE superstars while the actual wrestlers narrated remembering how much they wanted to be pro wrestlers when they were kids.
Aretha Franklin opens by singing an INCREDIBLY DRAMATIC version of God Bless America, and I wonder…why don’t they just sing the Star Spangled Banner? I mean, isn’t that the typical opener to a sporting event? I’ve always pondered this…
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Match 1: Money In The Bank Ladder Match - Jeff Hardy vs. King Booker vs. Finlay vs. CM Punk vs. Mr. Kennedy vs. Matt Hardy vs. Randy Orton vs. Edge
The backstory: Year 3 of the Money In The Bank experiment was going swimmingly, as people had really grown to love the concept. Edge had used his winning of the first MitB to catapault himself to the cusp of the main event, and Rob Van Dam…well, he got his big push a few years too late, anyway. Mr. Kennedy was THE hot up-and-comer here who the announcers won’t stop telling us “beat 7 World Champions in the past year!”.
The Match: Everyone comes to the ring with mild fanfare EXCEPT Mr. Kennedy who gets to do his microphone summoning to yell his name at us. It’s nice when wrestling gives you massive clues as to who is the big deal in the upcoming match. It’s actually funny to see Orton and Edge in this match since this is basically a career-builder concept and these two were both not quite the main event mainstays they’d become. Despite the fact that I’d been back watching wrestling for over a year at this point, I really don’t remember the Rated RKO era at all. I guess I still had not gotten back into Raw yet. JBL, who was never a very good wrestler, has the commentary of the night when Matt Hardy threatens to hit the Twist of Fate on Sharmell to get Booker to come down off the ladder (because that is somehow easier than just going up and getting him); JBL just starts screaming at Booker to forget Sharmell--”I’ve left plenty of women in my career!”. Michael Cole should take notes on how heels are supposed to commentate. Kennedy misses a senton bomb mid-match and SMACKS his head on the side of a ladder…that had to hurt, so props for him for shaking it off. Oh yeah, this match has one of the 2 or 3 most well-known MitB spots ever: Jeff Hardy leg-dropping Edge through a ladder from off of another ladder in the ring. Both of them get carried out afterwards. Oh, and Mr. Kennedy wins, and I snicker.
The aftermath: For either the first or second time in his career (but not the last!), Kennedy blows his big push by getting injured shortly after this win and having to sacrifice the briefcase to Edge, who would cash in for the second time. Orton and Edge would both be beyond such things by Wrestlemania 24, so this is memorable for being the last ‘Mania before they became so omnipresent. CM Punk was the last guy Kennedy had to fight off to win here, but he would have better luck in the future.
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Match 2: Kane vs. The Great Khali
The backstory: After a few false-starts, The Great Khali made his debut in WWE within the past year (he had started a feud with Taker at one point, then simply vanished, leaving ‘Taker to fight Big Show in a Punjabi Prison Match, which makes NO sense), and was getting the “Unstoppable Monster” push. To prove how powerful he was, he gets to match up with someone who’s had a few Unstoppable Monster pushes in his career (and was actually coming off a year when he had had yet another, thanks to Vince wanting to hype See No Evil [which is one of my dad’s favorite movies ever]). It’s heralded as a Smackdown! vs. Raw match. Kane’s ring introduction features a flaming pentagram prop; if Kane really had Satanic powers, he would probably fare better than he does here…
The match: The fans don’t care about two plodding heels, and this match has no heat for the most part. Near the end of the match, Kane hit’s a very dramatic simple bodyslam on Khali in a blatantly obvious attempt to remind us that this Wrestlemania was being held in Detroit, the home of Wrestlemania 3. It strikes me as weird that they would use that spot here in a match featuring two heels; the fans aren’t exactly going to eat up one heel bodyslamming another. Poor Kane not only gets beaten in 5 minutes, but Khali pins him with ONE FOOT. Did the bookers forget they put KANE in this match, not Joey Mercury? The guy who used to kick out of Tombstones eats a one-foot pin after Khali’s double-armed choke drop. I am not sure my brain has still fully processed this.
The aftermath: Poor Kane would continue about his career of alternately turning heel or face every few months and never really gaining any momentum for the next few…well, forever, really. Khali would get a few World Title feuds within the year, and even win one (does anyone remember he was actually the Heavyweight Champion? I almost forgot until I was writing this) before eventually sliding down into mid-carderdom.
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There’s a fairly negligible comedy segment after this that I’m only even bringing up because I want someone to tell me what happened to The Girl From Xtreme Xpose That Was Not Kelly Or Layla. (Rhetorical…I just looked it up. I guess she’s been in TNA)
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Match 3: United States Title Match - Montel Vontavious Porter vs. Chris Benoit ( c )
The backstory: MVP had started some ridiculous gimmick to initiate this feud by challenging random local nobodies and declaring they were the Luxembourg Champion or Spain Champion, so he was therefore ready to defeat the United States Champion, Benoit (who was entering Wrestlemania as U.S. champ again, despite having lost that same belt at ‘Mania last year. And once again, I feel bad for guys who used to be World Champion when they are forced to lower their gaze).
The match: …is borderline great. I mean, I know Benoit is extremely capable, but MVP is really in his prime here, too, and totally brought his A+ game for his first Wrestlemania. A metric 2000 lbs of counter wrestling throughout the entirety of the match, with MVP basically made out to be this guy who could counter almost anything Benoit attempts. The announcers can’t stop slobbering on MVP’s knob about how amazing he is in there out-wrestling Benoit, and you really remember that, when this ‘Mania was happening, Kennedy and MVP were no-brainers as the future of the company. During Wrestlemania 23, we’d all have figured that the main event of Wrestlemania 27 would have been MVP vs. Kennedy for one of the world titles…possibly for the second straight year or so. So…we’re all idiots. But Porter totally deserves the accolades the announcers are heaping on him because this match is very well-wrestled, in the traditional sense. Benoit wins after a flying head butt, and I totally forgot he sometimes used that as a finisher.
The aftermath: MVP would win the US title shortly thereafter, and he would hold it for just under a full year, giving him the third-longest US title reign in history (not WWE history…US Title history!). Like I said…Kennedy vs. MVP. Don’t lie and say you didn’t think it was the future. This would also be Chris Benoit’s last Wrestlemania, as he would end up going CooCoo for Murderpuffs shortly after this.
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After that, there is a segment with Donald Trump being thoroughly unimpressed by Bogeyman. God, was he really still around at this point?
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2007 Hall of Fame Inductees: Wild Samoans, The [non-iron] Shiek, Nick Bockwinke, Mr. Fuji, Jim Ross, Mr. Perfect, Jerry Lawler, Dusty Rhodes. Was Dusty Rhodes really the headliner of this class? Because he gets called last during the segment. I was never really impressed with Dusty in any way, shape, or form, so I can’t say I care for him headlining the class of 2007 over Hennig or Ross/Lawler (who really should have been inducted as a duo). Dusty to me will always be the fat nobody in polka dots who went on to become a terrible announcer. That’s right, smarks. I never got into early 80’s NWA! Rhodes is also the same guy who recently said there were only “5 or 6 guys” who even non-wrestling fans know about, and he fucking included himself in that list (with Hogan, Savage, Flair, and Andre). Talk about an over-inflated sense of self-worth; remember when we were dividing guys up into “tiers” based on their cultural relevance? I wouldn’t even put Rhodes in the top 5 or 6 TIERS. I think more people in the world have heard of HalloweenJack than Dusty Rhodes.
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Match 4: World Heavyweight Title Match - Undertaker vs. Batista ( c )
The backstory: Undertaker won the 2007 Royal Rumble (mere hours after I ruled him completely out of winning it because I had just chalked Undertaker up as a near-legend who did not need title belts to get him or his feuds heat), and chose Batista as his target (in a flashback that amuses me, we are shown Taker choosing from amongst Batista for the Heavyweight title, Cena for the WWE title, and…Bobby Lashley for the ECW title. Oh, ECW title. Were you really in consideration as a World Title at this point?). Seeing as how Taker and Batista were both faces, they played the same angle that happens every time two faces are fighting over a belt: they are forced to team up and get along begrudgingly until one attacks the other out of “lack of respect” or “hunger for the belt”. At some point along the way, Batista declared he “no longer respects” the Undertaker, and sometimes you can make a feud work this way, but…not here.
The match: Just a generic, slow-paced brawl. It feels as little like a Wrestlemania match as anything else on the card here, as they just go through the motions, putting on a typical match for these two. And out of the first 4 matches on the card, this is the second one to just be a brawl between two power-houses without any real excitement. Ugh. There is literally NO drama here, and at no point was Taker’s victory in peril. There was one nice moment where Batista hits a running power slam through the announce table, but that was absolutely the match’s whole load.
The aftermath: Batista and ‘Taker would go on to keep fighting over the belt and having much better matches than they did here. They had a cage match on Smackdown that was especially noteworthy, so I can‘t see why they couldn‘t have motivated themselves to put on any semblance of a performance here. After one such match between them, Taker would be left laid out in pain, allowing Edge to cash in Kennedy’s Money In The Bank for the Heavyweight Title, which would end up setting up one of the main events at Wrestlemania 24.
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Match 5: ECW Originals (Sandman, Tommy Dreamer, Rob Van Dam, Sabu) vs. ECW New Breed (Matt Striker, Kevin Thorn, Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von, with Ariel)
The backstory: WWE was trying to use ECW as its breeding grounds for hot new young talent, and the old guard members of ECW (the guys that made ECW such a threat to Vince that he had to buy it rather than bother competing with its voracious, if Neanderthallic, fan base) were unhappy that they were essentially being pushed out the door. Vince McMahon, according to Joey Styles here, basically declared the ECW Originals to be worthless garbage, so they decided to take it to the new guys and see who really has the ECW stuff. Fun fact: Since Bobby Lashley’s match this night is not a title match, this is the only ECW match of the evening!
The match: …has nothing ECW about it. Why even bother declaring this “ECW Originals vs. ECW New Breed” when the match features no weapons, no giant melees, no intricate drama-filled storylines. They just have a basic tag team match for about 6 minutes or so. Vince, backing up what he said in kayfabe, obviously had no real-life interest in giving ECW even a chance to steal the show here. Rob Van Dam kind of harmlessly ends this with a Five Star onto Matt Striker (who I totally forgot was ever a wrestler, even though he constantly talks about having been hit by this move from that guy, or that move from this guy, etc etc). I guess the match was a career reward for Sandman, Sabu, and Dreamer (they not only got to wrestle at Wrestlemania, but they even got to pick up a win), but in the end, I can’t help but feel they were screwed because they weren’t allowed to bring anything to the table. I know others here, most notably Jabroniville, have mentioned that 90’s ECW “really doesn’t hold up” when you watch it nowadays (after all that the Hardys, Edge/Christian, the Dudleys, the Main Event Style, and the Hardcore title brought to wrestling in the Attitude era), but I have to admit to having a massive soft spot for that era. It wasn’t just guys hitting each other with canes and flaming chairs (although I will always remember Tommy Dreamer using a cheese-grater on Brian Lee’s crotch, and that is my favorite weapon-spot ever); it was over-the-top characters (the original Dudley clan, the FBI, Al Snow), great tag team action (The Pitbulls, the Eliminators, the Gangsters, Public Enemy), introducing America to Mexican and Japanese stars (Eddie, Rey, Jericho), amazing wrestling (Sabu, Taz, Rob Van Dam) and just crazy fucking storylines (anything relating to Dreamer/Raven/Sandman). I still get a kick out of watching my old ECW tapes, even after having seen everything the Attitude Era had to offer. I’ll always remember mid-90’s ECW as, probably, my favorite wrestling era ever, so the fact that this match was so neutered really pisses me off. If you’re going to have an ECW match at Wrestlemania, have an EC f’n W match at Wrestlemania!
The aftermath: Yeah, how’d that New Breed work out for you? Matt Striker is the only one that “made it”, and he did it on the other side of the announcer table! Thorn and Cor Von were gone within the year, and Elijah Burke is, if my guess is correct, the Pope guy that even TNA doesn’t have a use for. Rob Van Dam had burned a lot of…bridges, and this would be his last Wrestlemania. Sabu, hopefully, retired because GOD did he look bad here. I have a sad, sad feeling he is still roaming the night somewhere, though; willing to put himself through a table anywhere more than 20 people have congregated.
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Match 6: Battle of the Billionaires; Hair vs. Hair match - Bobby Lashley (representing Donald Trump) vs. Umaga (representing Vince McMahon), with special guest referee Stone Cold Steve Austin
The backstory: Well, I dunno. How long has Donald Trump had that ridiculous hairdo? Vince and Donald had worked together and been buddy-buddy for years, so I suppose Vince brought forth this idea after The Celebrity had been on for a few seasons and Trump’s hair was a national joke. Really, with Trump and Vince both being the textbook definition of shameless self-promoters, this match was just a matter of time. Vince challenged Trump to a match on TV, and since Trump obviously wasn’t getting into the ring himself, they chose Umaga and Lashley as their personal representatives. At the time, they looked like pretty good choices: Umaga was still a fresh and unstoppable monster, and Bobby was right up there with Kennedy and MVP as being obvious Next Big Thing projects. Somewhere along the line, Steve Austin got anointed special guest referee (really, ever since he retired, he does this every few ‘Manias. He’s done it here, with Goldberg/Brock, and with Cole/Lawler. Am I missing any others?), and we were off.
The match: Honestly, the single most memorable aspect of this match to me was that it featured what HAS to be a world record for ring entrances for a one-on-one match. There are SIX. Vince, Trump, Umaga, Lashley, Austin, and THE MOTHER FUCKING BARBER CHAIR all get a separate ring entrance. That is not a joke. The barber chair that the loser would have their head shaved in actually had its own ring entrance. It gets sent out to the ring on some kind of conveyor belt with barber shop music playing. I can’t stress enough how ludicrous this is. An inanimate object had its own ring entrance. Jesus, that really says it all about Wrestlemania 23. The rest of the match is non-descript, as neither Lashley nor Umaga is at all capable of anything better than a 3.5 star match at their absolute best with another good worker, and are capable of much, much less when paired with each other. Lashley wins after Steve Stuns Umaga, which every single human being in the world saw coming, and then the audience is…treated?…to a several minute long segment of Lashley, Trump, and Austin shaving his head. It is kind of worth it for Vince’s brilliant crying and begging.
The aftermath: Santino Marella. I know, right? But it’s true. Lashley and Umaga would continue feuding after this, which would lead to the Milan Miracle during a European tour. So, when I think of things that way, I can’t really hate this feud all that much. Even if it gave a CHAIR A FRIGGIN’ RING ENTRANCE.
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Match 7: Lumberjill match for the Women’s Championship: Ashley vs. Melina ( c )
The backstory: Mickie James was already pushed to the background of the Women’s Division (temporarily, her natural talent and over-ness would see her rise back to the top soon enough), so that we could focus on The Best Wrestler In The World, Melina (source: Bret Hart. Eat that, fan boys. Your infallible Bret Hart once stated he thought Melina was the best wrestler in the world, EITHER GENDER. That stroke messed him up worse than we had ever thought). Facing her was recent Playboy cover girl, Ashley.
The match: Mercifully short cool-down match, though they manage to fit an inordinate amount of botches into their brief window. These two couldn’t even run near each other without it looking like they had never worked a match before in their lives. Clumsy tackles, moves that don’t connect…it’s just ugly. Melina wins, which makes sense because despite being in Playboy, the crowd has no reaction for Ashley whatsoever.
The post-match: Melina would go onto feud with Candace Michelle for a while before turning face. Oh, and, of course, she would continue to be the single greatest wrestler in the entire known world. Ashley would go onto virtually nothing. So maybe there is a god.
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WWE Title Match: Shawn Michaels vs. John Cena ( c )
The backstory: I thought I had remembered Shawn winning the title shot because he was the #2 guy left in the Royal Rumble, but a vignette shows me he beat Rated-RKO in a triple threat match to win the right. Remember how I talked about the boring, pre-planned build-up between Batista and Undertaker? Well, Shawn and Cena do the same thing, but because they actually have charisma, they manage to do it RIGHT and make it a good story. At the time of Wrestlemania, they are actually the Tag Team Champions, having beaten Edge and Orton (though, notably, neither of them wears/brings their part of the tag belts to the ring for the match here, which I feel even further devalues the tag belts). Shawn had been getting chewed out because, during their teaming, he had several opportunities to attack Cena, but never did, so the torment builds inside of him until he finally starts Superkicking the hell out of Cena in tag matches.
The match: For some reason, Shawn comes out to his D-X music. I know he and HHH had teamed back up, but by this point, Hunter had been on the shelf for months. When you are main-eventing Wrestlemania, it seems weird you wouldn’t use your exclusive ring entrance. And I’ll give Cena credit…I really do like that he pulls out something special every year for his Wrestlemania ring entrance, even if they aren’t all great. This one just shows a Mustang driving crazily outside the area (remember, we are in Detroit, so American Muscle Cars should pop!), until he finally pulls into the arena and drives out to ringside in it. The match itself is good, but they really spam the hell out of the “Shawn chops Cena; Cena punches Shawn” back-and-forth. They do it in all phases of the match (beginning, middle, and end). I know Shawn really loved that chop late in his career, but it feels a bit like Randy Orton’s headlocks after a while in this match. As much as I love and defend Shawn, his late-career matches featured WAY too much of that chop. And since I already reviewed WM25, can I ask aloud if there is a trend to Shawn working the knee, only for the other guy to immediately stop selling it at the midway point in the match? Even my fiancee asked “wasn’t his knee really hurt a while ago?” when Cena just completely abandoned even doing so much as a light limp within 2 minutes of Shawn‘s assault on it. There is a wicked spot where Shawn’s frustration bubbles up after accidentally Superkicking the referee, and he sets up to piledrive Cena onto the ring steps--I immediately am thinking, “Well, here comes the backdrop and Cena’s comeback”, but nope; Shawn hits it.
There is a good exchange late in the match where they chain-wrestle a bit with Cena holding Shawn’s leg, trying for the STFU, but Shawn kicks Cena away. Cena holds on, pulls Shawn back in, but Shawn flips away. Cena holds on, pulls Shawn back in, but Shawn wraps him up in a cradle, and you actually think Shawn might have it (despite the fact that a Wrestlemania has ended with a small package all of never before). Both guys kick out of the other’s finisher (because it IS Wrestlemania, so that has to happen), until Cena finally gets the STFU locked on and Shawn taps.
The aftermath: Cena tries to shake Shawn’s hand post-match, but Shawn just walks away. They would have a few more great matches (Shawn would win anything non-title, but always lose his title shot opportunities), and HBK would eventually cost them the tag titles. After that, HBK continued his goodwill mission of putting over the future generation by feuding with Randy Orton and Cena would start a title feud with The Great Khali.
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In summation: A bottom-third Wrestlemania. It does have two great matches (Shawn vs. Cena and Benoit vs. MVP would both be 4/5 if I was the rating kind of guy), but every other match that wasn’t the Money In The Bank match was 2 stars at absolute best. Why they put two atrocious, boring workers like Umaga and Lashley in the highest-profile match makes absolutely no sense to me, but I accept that that contest was a lot more about the post-match than the bout itself. Kane vs. Khali was sloppy and tried to redeem itself by giving one heel a heroic moment over the other, the Lumberjill match was awful, the Heavyweight title match was bland, and the ECW match had no business even being called that. It was a real struggle to sit through this ‘Mania, and not even a clusterfruck kind of silly fun struggle like it would be to review WM9.