(no subject)
Dear ass_hat English Dept,
Please consider my following suggestions to be added to the English Major Curriculum Plan for future unassuming junior and senior transfers:
Learn what you didn't learn in High School 100: This is a course of 35 students, in which five of them are actually literate. (Side note: If you are smart, please do not attempt to discuss things in class, you'll hurt their little feelings.)
Unemployment 200: Lose all hope of finding employment in this course. You will spend 30 hours a week reading drivel while you are chained to a desk and your ass gets really fat. This course makes it impossible to be qualified for employment, and also to have time to find employment.
Artistic Choices 215: In this course you will constantly contemplate the purpose of art and writing as an occupation. You will read criticisms of authors and how they wasted their lives writing meaningless crap that noone reads unless they have to for credit. You will read the biographies of said writers and how their lives ended tragically and much too early. You will then analyze whether or not the choice to become a writer will cause your own untimely demise. (Recommended sister course Unemployment 200)
Needless Condescension 350: (Pre-requisite 5 years of already ball-busting work and asskissing) In this course the professor and the other students will needlessly condescend to you purely for the sake of beating you down and making you feel inferior. You will be taunted with the possibility of success, good grades and friendship, but the final exam will consist of the other students taking you to dinner and all getting up to go to the bathroom together to talk shit on you.
No friends 412: This is a transfer credit class, as many transfer students who are also english majors have no friends because they have moved too many times, and they don't get along with people as they lack the social skills necessary to "bull-shit"
Never Graduate 500: (Pre-requisite Needless Condescension 350) This independent study allows you to stay in college forever, so the registrar can ring out of you every last penny and dispense of the last shred of dignity you have left. As a special study you will be forced to watch people younger than you graduate with a degree, and even though you have a better job and make more money than them, and of course have more life experience, you will be reminded on a daily basis, that you are nothing because you still haven't "accomplished something" .
Addendum:
Please also consider the following suggestions from other Alumna and myself. We ask that these be made requirements for students who plan on entering the education field in Literature and Writing. We must insist however that you never mention the word "writing" and only have a complete emphasis on Literature. It seems you have no need for theory based classes for teaching writing, the following classes are set up for those who want to have an expert knowledge on Literature, but have no idea how to teach:
Major Defense 101: This course instructs students int he fine art of discussion when faced with a student of a more "technical" major who will assert their major's superiority over the English major. There will be frank discussion over the most popular insults (from "pizza-faced programmer who will never get laid" to the perennial favorite "at least I read something more than STAR WARS FANFICTION") as well as instruction in mild violence, should the need arise.
Obscure References 436: (pre-req: Needless Condensation 350) Learn to use the most obscure of authors and literary works to your utmost advantage. Upon completion, the student will be well prepared to take on the "student adviser" role for NC350 and a grade of A+ or higher will allow the student to take Grammar Nazis 560.
Grammar Nazis 560: (pre-req: A+ or higher in Obscure References 436) In this course, students will learn the most minor and barely recognized rules of grammar for the purpose of flaunting their degree and knowledge. The final exam consists of trolling FanFiction.net and Livejournal for people in need of correction.
Grammar Nazis for Non-Majors 360: (req: non-English major) A similar course to GN560, this course is directed towards non-majors who may or may not be in need of such correction themselves. Student advisers from GN560 will sit the course for purposes of making fun of the non-majors.
Creative Frustration 550: In this class you will officially give up all attempts to be a working writer, and instead succumb to the inevitability of becoming an Elementary School English Teacher.
I appreciate your time and consideration,
Disgruntled Semi-Alumni
Please consider my following suggestions to be added to the English Major Curriculum Plan for future unassuming junior and senior transfers:
Learn what you didn't learn in High School 100: This is a course of 35 students, in which five of them are actually literate. (Side note: If you are smart, please do not attempt to discuss things in class, you'll hurt their little feelings.)
Unemployment 200: Lose all hope of finding employment in this course. You will spend 30 hours a week reading drivel while you are chained to a desk and your ass gets really fat. This course makes it impossible to be qualified for employment, and also to have time to find employment.
Artistic Choices 215: In this course you will constantly contemplate the purpose of art and writing as an occupation. You will read criticisms of authors and how they wasted their lives writing meaningless crap that noone reads unless they have to for credit. You will read the biographies of said writers and how their lives ended tragically and much too early. You will then analyze whether or not the choice to become a writer will cause your own untimely demise. (Recommended sister course Unemployment 200)
Needless Condescension 350: (Pre-requisite 5 years of already ball-busting work and asskissing) In this course the professor and the other students will needlessly condescend to you purely for the sake of beating you down and making you feel inferior. You will be taunted with the possibility of success, good grades and friendship, but the final exam will consist of the other students taking you to dinner and all getting up to go to the bathroom together to talk shit on you.
No friends 412: This is a transfer credit class, as many transfer students who are also english majors have no friends because they have moved too many times, and they don't get along with people as they lack the social skills necessary to "bull-shit"
Never Graduate 500: (Pre-requisite Needless Condescension 350) This independent study allows you to stay in college forever, so the registrar can ring out of you every last penny and dispense of the last shred of dignity you have left. As a special study you will be forced to watch people younger than you graduate with a degree, and even though you have a better job and make more money than them, and of course have more life experience, you will be reminded on a daily basis, that you are nothing because you still haven't "accomplished something" .
Addendum:
Please also consider the following suggestions from other Alumna and myself. We ask that these be made requirements for students who plan on entering the education field in Literature and Writing. We must insist however that you never mention the word "writing" and only have a complete emphasis on Literature. It seems you have no need for theory based classes for teaching writing, the following classes are set up for those who want to have an expert knowledge on Literature, but have no idea how to teach:
Major Defense 101: This course instructs students int he fine art of discussion when faced with a student of a more "technical" major who will assert their major's superiority over the English major. There will be frank discussion over the most popular insults (from "pizza-faced programmer who will never get laid" to the perennial favorite "at least I read something more than STAR WARS FANFICTION") as well as instruction in mild violence, should the need arise.
Obscure References 436: (pre-req: Needless Condensation 350) Learn to use the most obscure of authors and literary works to your utmost advantage. Upon completion, the student will be well prepared to take on the "student adviser" role for NC350 and a grade of A+ or higher will allow the student to take Grammar Nazis 560.
Grammar Nazis 560: (pre-req: A+ or higher in Obscure References 436) In this course, students will learn the most minor and barely recognized rules of grammar for the purpose of flaunting their degree and knowledge. The final exam consists of trolling FanFiction.net and Livejournal for people in need of correction.
Grammar Nazis for Non-Majors 360: (req: non-English major) A similar course to GN560, this course is directed towards non-majors who may or may not be in need of such correction themselves. Student advisers from GN560 will sit the course for purposes of making fun of the non-majors.
Creative Frustration 550: In this class you will officially give up all attempts to be a working writer, and instead succumb to the inevitability of becoming an Elementary School English Teacher.
I appreciate your time and consideration,
Disgruntled Semi-Alumni