not-just-screaming-into-the-void
i'm still recovering generally and catching up with fascinating journal entries.
in case it's mildly comforting i do read it all and find much of it so thought provoking as to not know how to even begin responding.
"unhelpful thoughts" happened to strike a particular chord with me (as well as including the PS ping for response):
Somewhere a long the way I seem to have lost the confidence to trust in my own judgements. I can't just relax and read the papers I enjoy reading, because maybe they're the "wrong" papers. Sometimes I read something that's so beautiful I *want* to type it up in my own words, and then I get suspicious that maybe its just stupid and obvious and a waste of time. I need to get into the zone where I'm enjoying what I'm doing, which means I have to trust myself that the papers I'm reading are important papers, and that the results contained within them are worth clarifying and elaborating upon.
part of the attraction of mathematics may be that you can be reasonably confident of getting into that zone at some point. although not a mathematician i sometimes relax by brushing up on my mathematical literacy because at least i can feel confident its neither ludicrous absurdities nor just stupid and obvious and a wast of time.
a big part of my general "stuckness" is that for a very long time in the inherently difficult non-mathematical areas i do want to understand and contribute to i feel quite confident in my judgement that the stuff being written these days is ALL just plain "wrong" (in numerous different but unintersesting directions) and none of it is really important except for tedious insight into what misunderstandings might have to be overcome.
on the other hand the "classics" i do find illuminating and beautiful were written long ago and strike me as so well established and (now) "obvious" that restating them in my own words and more modern form would just be a waste of time.
so i haven't been enjoying what i'm doing for a very long time, and have basically stopped doing it without breaking out into that zone.
PS while i'm at it i'll just add that having a supervisor who actually wants to supervise you ought to be regarded as a great boon.
perhaps you should try laying heaps of tedious calculations at his feet as well as orchids at cheshire's.
PPS deep apologies to all re both absence from dinner and the surrounding events.
hope same can be rescheduled soon.
in case it's mildly comforting i do read it all and find much of it so thought provoking as to not know how to even begin responding.
"unhelpful thoughts" happened to strike a particular chord with me (as well as including the PS ping for response):
Somewhere a long the way I seem to have lost the confidence to trust in my own judgements. I can't just relax and read the papers I enjoy reading, because maybe they're the "wrong" papers. Sometimes I read something that's so beautiful I *want* to type it up in my own words, and then I get suspicious that maybe its just stupid and obvious and a waste of time. I need to get into the zone where I'm enjoying what I'm doing, which means I have to trust myself that the papers I'm reading are important papers, and that the results contained within them are worth clarifying and elaborating upon.
part of the attraction of mathematics may be that you can be reasonably confident of getting into that zone at some point. although not a mathematician i sometimes relax by brushing up on my mathematical literacy because at least i can feel confident its neither ludicrous absurdities nor just stupid and obvious and a wast of time.
a big part of my general "stuckness" is that for a very long time in the inherently difficult non-mathematical areas i do want to understand and contribute to i feel quite confident in my judgement that the stuff being written these days is ALL just plain "wrong" (in numerous different but unintersesting directions) and none of it is really important except for tedious insight into what misunderstandings might have to be overcome.
on the other hand the "classics" i do find illuminating and beautiful were written long ago and strike me as so well established and (now) "obvious" that restating them in my own words and more modern form would just be a waste of time.
so i haven't been enjoying what i'm doing for a very long time, and have basically stopped doing it without breaking out into that zone.
PS while i'm at it i'll just add that having a supervisor who actually wants to supervise you ought to be regarded as a great boon.
perhaps you should try laying heaps of tedious calculations at his feet as well as orchids at cheshire's.
PPS deep apologies to all re both absence from dinner and the surrounding events.
hope same can be rescheduled soon.