(no subject)
though no doubt much to my own fault, most people i know seem to have a perception of me that is not entire. everyone seems to think im miserable all of the time, though i can remember countless times of fun and happiness. i dont understand this dispairity, but people have expressed this view to me and it makes me realize i havent opened myself up very much, a thing which is not easy to do. i feel as if no one really knows me, or they are just arent acknowledging everything else i know i am and know i demonstrate. "melissa-ann" does not mean "depressionandanxiety", it means "melissa-ann". i am not those things, they are a bad part of me, a hormone, a habit learned from parents, ingrained thoughts, whatever, the point is they are not me, they are not my dreams, not what i want, not how i truely feel. there have been times when these impulses have been so strong, i have felt as if i truely believed them, and stated that; it is a cloud, its a phantom, a bad apple, and it is something that i have had no choice in possessing, and it expresses itself. it is like a spirit possessing me, making me think and see in its twisted way.
but nevertheless, no one claims to have seen the real me. Dustin used to say he had, and he knew that the depression was not me, and that i could overcome it, and he knew i did not want to be this way. i cant help but feel so defensive. i cant stand to hear people say im miserable allllll of the time when i know the truth, and i know they see the truth that i am not, but they say this anyway. I DO NOT DENY MY PROBLEMS, and never, ever have. i do not deny my part in this relationship, and my part in what brought it to whatever state it is in.
i cannot change the way he thinks. i cannot open his mind. i cannot make him look at things. i cannot persuade him to drop his defenses, his wall he has built to detach and distance himself. i cant do these things any more than he could persuade me that i should forget everything positive, or that it should be easy to push all these feelings aside. this is just the way it is. he is not wrong in the way he is seeing, even if i dont think he sees everything. and he is right in so many ways, even if i dont think this is what should happen.
and its strange, and sort of bittersweet, that a time that demands of me so much strength to not shatter makes me see how strong i have become. how aware i really am of my abilities and the work i do on myself that no one sees but me, and the limits i have and how, though i have known it for some time, i do need to swallow my fears and talk to someone professional. and the person i have talked to, and will see in the future, she is able to see these things. its so hard to talk about problems i have to friends or people, because i am scared of scaring people away or burdening them somehow, so people dont know what is going on inside of me, might not know how to understand, and so they have perceptions (as everyone makes, it is out of their control), that are effects without a cause, without a full picture. its nice to talk to someone who knows how these problems can take over people, and how they are not something unconquerable, someone who doesnt think im just crazy and hopeless, someone else who knows i am a person and i am good and i can live and have things and be happy.
but nevertheless, no one claims to have seen the real me. Dustin used to say he had, and he knew that the depression was not me, and that i could overcome it, and he knew i did not want to be this way. i cant help but feel so defensive. i cant stand to hear people say im miserable allllll of the time when i know the truth, and i know they see the truth that i am not, but they say this anyway. I DO NOT DENY MY PROBLEMS, and never, ever have. i do not deny my part in this relationship, and my part in what brought it to whatever state it is in.
i cannot change the way he thinks. i cannot open his mind. i cannot make him look at things. i cannot persuade him to drop his defenses, his wall he has built to detach and distance himself. i cant do these things any more than he could persuade me that i should forget everything positive, or that it should be easy to push all these feelings aside. this is just the way it is. he is not wrong in the way he is seeing, even if i dont think he sees everything. and he is right in so many ways, even if i dont think this is what should happen.
and its strange, and sort of bittersweet, that a time that demands of me so much strength to not shatter makes me see how strong i have become. how aware i really am of my abilities and the work i do on myself that no one sees but me, and the limits i have and how, though i have known it for some time, i do need to swallow my fears and talk to someone professional. and the person i have talked to, and will see in the future, she is able to see these things. its so hard to talk about problems i have to friends or people, because i am scared of scaring people away or burdening them somehow, so people dont know what is going on inside of me, might not know how to understand, and so they have perceptions (as everyone makes, it is out of their control), that are effects without a cause, without a full picture. its nice to talk to someone who knows how these problems can take over people, and how they are not something unconquerable, someone who doesnt think im just crazy and hopeless, someone else who knows i am a person and i am good and i can live and have things and be happy.