Gojyo mpreg fic!
RIGHT. Warning. This fic is... awful. Really, really awful. Like. I love it. Like a burning. But I am a bad person for writing it. It has no A) plot, B) point, or C) conclusion. BUT I AM OKAY WITH THIS.
Because it is Gojyo mpreg. I still have Gunter/Gwendal for Biz and holic voyeur pr0n for Ikkaku to do~! I can succeed!
Some things don’t need to be explained. Someone wakes up a girl and it isn’t a question of why or how but instead of “how long?” Things are just explained away: it’s camp. Logic? You want logic? You are in the wrong place for that. Here we like gimmicks and innuendo. Here we like messing with people’s minds. Here we have a director who may or may not have killed her adorably stupid fiancé and has the power to make your life hell.
So when Gojyo wakes up from what was possibly the best sex of his life, he is not sure why he is not dead. It’s illegal, right? And those Wraethu got turned into some kind of dog beasts, so it’s not like there never was a rule. It’s still in effect. Well. Maybe. He’s not sure, and there’s no way he’s gonna go asking around camp if anyone else has noticed that they can suddenly have sex. He doesn’t even want to think about it. Besides, Hakkai’s got his mouth at the nape of Gojyo’s neck and who the heck is gonna think about logistics when you’ve got such a nice distraction?
It’s only a couple of weeks later that Gojyo thinks something might be wrong, weird. He gets sick, yeah - everybody gets sick - but there’s something about waking up and puking your guts out and then feeling fine the rest of the day that really does not sit right with him. There’s no need to tell Hakkai ‘cuz it’s not like he doesn’t know, but Gojyo can’t bring himself to tell him outright that he is not doing exactly okay.
He’s not the only one in camp who’s been getting sick like this, though, and sometimes when they’re all at the chapel for breakfast he meets Gwendal in the bathroom and they sort of moan at each other - they sound like a couple of zombies, really - and then throw up whatever they ate last night and go back to breakfast and sort of maybe whimper. Wolfwood always looks real nervous. Gojyo wonders if he’s missing something.
He really starts to wonder when another month passes and Goku grumbles that the kappa should stop eating so much ‘cuz he’s getting fat. Gojyo hits him and tells him to shut up, and finally Sanzo separates them with a few hits from his fan.
Gojyo gets the idea stuck in his head, though, and he stares at himself in one of the bathroom mirrors. He’s not fat, the monkey doesn’t know what he’s… So he’s gonna cut down on the sweets. Maybe the - what is it, cutting out bread is good for losing weight, right? - meat buns then. Spar with the monkey, too. Yeah, that’d be good. Helpful.
It’s only when Gwendal calls him aside one morning after breakfast - brunch, really, he’s been exhausted and sleeping in - that things start to make sense in that camp sort of way. So. Not really making sense. More…
“What. The. Hell.”
Gwendal grimaces. “Your language, Gojyo. It is atrocious, and you would not want to teach your progeny -.”
“No, no. What the hell, Gwendal? There is no progeny, there is no -.”
Gwendal arches an eyebrow and Gojyo thinks he may need to sit down. Now. With a lot of beer. That now can’t be found at camp. Damn. And besides, beer wouldn’t be good for --.
"This is imposs - I’m not a girl!” Gojyo flounders on his next words when Gwendal glares. “Not that you are! But this is - you’re supposed to have kids!”
Gwendal turns a violent shade of red and clears his throat. “I am not supposed to, not with the laws that we are to abide by in place at this encampment --.”
“Which haven’t been kept.”
“That is not - perhaps this is your punishment.”
Gojyo thinks his stomach just fell into his feet, which really isn’t fair because he got over the vomiting a good month ago and he’s in no mood to feel that way again, thanks. “Kids aren’t supposed to be a punishment,” he says, and he shakes his head. “I’m not supposed to have kids. I’m a guy. I’m supposed to be ster --!”
“Congratulations,” Gwendal grunts, clasping Gojyo’s shoulder tightly, then, “I will teach you to knit.”
__
Breakfasts are interesting affairs. They have always been such, but now they really are, even more than before. Wolfwood and Gwendal join, and sometimes Dumbledore stops by but he doesn’t eat much. (He sits very far away from Wolfwood, who would like to kill him, and sort of near to Sanzo, who is entirely unsure as to how to react to the wizard now.) But Hakkai cooks, and more often than not he now clucks at Gojyo about proper nutrition and Gojyo grumbles about it but puts aside the meat buns - the monkey steals them - and eats the damned grapefruit. It is not fair, Gojyo thinks, that Wolfwood does not nag at Gwendal about proper nutrition, but maybe Gwendal eats his fruits and veggies and fiber and whatever else already. It pisses Gojyo off.
Of course, he’s most pissed by the fact that he cannot smoke. Sanzo complains about having to stand outside when he lights up, but every time the priest does Gojyo watches Wolfwood’s hands twitch (his own do, too) and he figures the guy’s imagining strangling Sanzo (‘cuz he is too). It’s nice and all, he figures - it’s a bad habit, it’s probably healthier this way and all - but then he remembers that the reason he can’t smoke is because he is pregnant, and then he longs for a beer.
Gwendal is teaching him how to knit, too. Gojyo doesn’t want to. Who would want to? He doesn’t want to. He wants to sit in his room and cry or something. Punch Hakkai maybe, but the last thing he wants to do is purl. Oh, hell. He knows that it’s called purling, now. It’s degrading. It’s --. And then one afternoon Gwendal has to go and make knitting manly.
They’re sitting on the front steps of the chapel, needles clacking away, and Wolfwood comes out to lean against one of the columns holding the overhang up. He grins at Gwendal - who is thankfully much fatter than Gojyo and therefore makes Gojyo feel better about himself - and Gwendal tells him to leave them be, they are busy.
Seriously, it sounds like a joke, a challenge, but as Gojyo watches Wolfwood try to distract Gwendal and Gwendal hurl one of his knitting needles at the man, Gojyo thinks that knitting could be all right. The knitting needle wobbles in the column, right where Wolfwood’s head just was, and Gojyo makes Gwendal promise to teach him how to do that after he’s done learning how to make booties (the ones with pom-poms on them).
__
Being pregnant is a lot like how it was with the no-sex rule. There is no sex.
The real ringer is that you’ve had sex, though - you’ve done the forbidden, you’ve whetted your appetite momentarily - and so the idea that you’re back to square one is kind of frustrating. ‘Course, it’s hard to want sex when you weigh thirty pounds more than you did five months ago, but Gojyo manages. He’s talented like that. Plus, it’s not like Hakkai’s gotten fat and ugly and --. And oh hell, Gojyo thinks, he is getting hormonal, and someone needs to kill him please.
Gwendal has yet to teach him the knitting needle thing and that’s good, because he’s already tried killing Yumichika with the beginnings of a scarf for Hakkai (which he loves, by the way, and the whole strangulation thing probably made it more appealing - Hakkai is a freak) and if he’d had the throwing thing down it all would’ve ended in tears. Yumichika tried to find out how in the world he got knocked up and there was no way Gojyo was going to give him the benefit of knowing that he could get laid if he found some idiot stupid enough to do it… though Yumichika pregnant would be hilarious.
But yeah, the sex thing. The no-sex thing, really. The whole “I’m fat and ugly but also really horny and maybe you could blow me now” thing. Hakkai does not get this, or maybe he does and he is a sadistic bastard. Hakkai sleeps next to Gojyo in their bed in the hospital and Gojyo thinks about all the different ways he could jump him; but by the time he gets up the resolve to do it he passes out. He’s exhausted, is all. He’s heavy, and his feet hate him, and his ankles are swollen, and men weren’t meant to have babies unless they’re Gwendal; and this seems to be Mother Nature’s way of telling him this.
One morning he finally snaps. Hakkai asks him to call everyone together for breakfast and he gripes about it but waddles off to find the stupid priest and the monkey and --.
Outside of Wolfwood’s room he stops, stares accusingly at the wooden door in front of him. That is not fair. Gwendal is like twice the size he is, and a lot pissier, and he’s getting laid.
Gojyo takes a moment to beat his head against the opposing wall and then waddles - no, stalks - into the kitchen, grabs Hakkai by the collar, and drags him into one of the chapel’s back rooms.
Breakfast is late that day, as it all burned and had to be redone. Gojyo is very okay with this. Hakkai was otherwise occupied.
__
Gojyo was not meant to be pregnant.
Okay, that really isn’t as stupid as it sounds.
It’s not just because he’s a guy, because Gwendal’s a guy too and it works for him. It just does. (Don’t tell anyone he said that.) Gwendal’s got the whole knitting thing and the baking thing and he’s kind of like a mom anyway, what with his cute fetish and stuff. But Gojyo? Yeah, no one looks at Gojyo and thinks “mom”, and that’s good. That’s normal. That’s the natural order of things. And again we return to the “hello, camp” idea, and. Right. The natural order of things can bite camp’s… yeah.
But Gojyo has reached the conclusion, because there’s actually a difference between being pregnant and giving birth. He’s been pregnant for a while now! He’s got that under control. It sucks, and it’s hard to move, and he can’t pick anything up that he drops - but he’s got Hakkai for that, so. But see, there’s a fundamental difference between the two things. It’s not the idea of pain that unsettles him - he can handle pain. He’s friends with pain! He’s all over that. It’s the. It’s the thing about.
Okay. Where does the baby come out, and does he even want to think about it? So surgery could probably work. That makes sense. But as far as he can figure it he’s got a butt baby and he doesn’t want to even imagine the logistics of it, even if he could probably ask Gwendal about it.
He does not want Gwendal to tell him about male birth. He does not want --. Gwendal’d probably use stuffed toys as models, and. And Gojyo doesn’t think he can handle that. He fully plans on having one of the docs completely knock him out and getting it over and done with, and when he wakes up there will be a little bouncy bundle of What the Hell and everything will make sense again. For the most part. Except for the addition to the family. Hell, two of ‘em if you count Gwendal and Wolfwood in the equation (though Gojyo thinks Gwendal’s packing twins, because the guy’s like a balloon).
So it’ll all end well, Gojyo figures. It’ll go according to plan. Doped to the gills! Check. Maybe considering killing Hakkai! Check. Bouncy baby brat who will quite possibly be cuter than sin! He’s working on that one, and it’ll come off great, thanks.
Gojyo not-so-secretly hopes it will be a little girl.
__
Mother’s intuition!
Gojyo hates that phrase. He would like to take that phrase out back and kick its butt, but then he remembers that it is a phrase and as such not readily able to be flayed alive. He could try, though, and he thinks he would succeed, because he has that kind of determination.
But yeah. Mother’s intuition. Gwendal’s got twins, a boy and a girl, and Wolfwood may or may not want to kill him for naming them Angelina and Thomas, but what’re you going to do? There’s no way that Wolfwood wants to be stuck raising them as a single dad, and besides that Gwendal would probably kick the crap outta him if Wolfwood tried anything. So there you go! They’ve got twins. They’re kind of cute, if Gojyo has any say in the matter, but they don’t compare at all to green eyes and red hair and she can smile already and she’s just a little… Right, anyway.
Gojyo wanted to name her Kanan! First thing that came to his mind, really, and then it came to his attention that, y’know, it’s not exactly the best name. What with the track record and all. Ha ha…
But when Hakkai stood next to them and looked down at her cradled in Gojyo’s arms he got this weird, puckered look to his face and he whispered, “Kanan,” and ghosted his fingers across her forehead; and if Gojyo was going to disagree with that then he was a bigger idiot than previously thought. (Though he did almost wanna, y’know, ask. It was okay if he thought of it, but with Hakkai thinking of it then… y’know. A little creepy. But Hakkai’s a freak, so. So maybe it was okay.)
Yeah. Maybe it was okay.
But Hakkai was still the mom.
Because it is Gojyo mpreg. I still have Gunter/Gwendal for Biz and holic voyeur pr0n for Ikkaku to do~! I can succeed!
Some things don’t need to be explained. Someone wakes up a girl and it isn’t a question of why or how but instead of “how long?” Things are just explained away: it’s camp. Logic? You want logic? You are in the wrong place for that. Here we like gimmicks and innuendo. Here we like messing with people’s minds. Here we have a director who may or may not have killed her adorably stupid fiancé and has the power to make your life hell.
So when Gojyo wakes up from what was possibly the best sex of his life, he is not sure why he is not dead. It’s illegal, right? And those Wraethu got turned into some kind of dog beasts, so it’s not like there never was a rule. It’s still in effect. Well. Maybe. He’s not sure, and there’s no way he’s gonna go asking around camp if anyone else has noticed that they can suddenly have sex. He doesn’t even want to think about it. Besides, Hakkai’s got his mouth at the nape of Gojyo’s neck and who the heck is gonna think about logistics when you’ve got such a nice distraction?
It’s only a couple of weeks later that Gojyo thinks something might be wrong, weird. He gets sick, yeah - everybody gets sick - but there’s something about waking up and puking your guts out and then feeling fine the rest of the day that really does not sit right with him. There’s no need to tell Hakkai ‘cuz it’s not like he doesn’t know, but Gojyo can’t bring himself to tell him outright that he is not doing exactly okay.
He’s not the only one in camp who’s been getting sick like this, though, and sometimes when they’re all at the chapel for breakfast he meets Gwendal in the bathroom and they sort of moan at each other - they sound like a couple of zombies, really - and then throw up whatever they ate last night and go back to breakfast and sort of maybe whimper. Wolfwood always looks real nervous. Gojyo wonders if he’s missing something.
He really starts to wonder when another month passes and Goku grumbles that the kappa should stop eating so much ‘cuz he’s getting fat. Gojyo hits him and tells him to shut up, and finally Sanzo separates them with a few hits from his fan.
Gojyo gets the idea stuck in his head, though, and he stares at himself in one of the bathroom mirrors. He’s not fat, the monkey doesn’t know what he’s… So he’s gonna cut down on the sweets. Maybe the - what is it, cutting out bread is good for losing weight, right? - meat buns then. Spar with the monkey, too. Yeah, that’d be good. Helpful.
It’s only when Gwendal calls him aside one morning after breakfast - brunch, really, he’s been exhausted and sleeping in - that things start to make sense in that camp sort of way. So. Not really making sense. More…
“What. The. Hell.”
Gwendal grimaces. “Your language, Gojyo. It is atrocious, and you would not want to teach your progeny -.”
“No, no. What the hell, Gwendal? There is no progeny, there is no -.”
Gwendal arches an eyebrow and Gojyo thinks he may need to sit down. Now. With a lot of beer. That now can’t be found at camp. Damn. And besides, beer wouldn’t be good for --.
"This is imposs - I’m not a girl!” Gojyo flounders on his next words when Gwendal glares. “Not that you are! But this is - you’re supposed to have kids!”
Gwendal turns a violent shade of red and clears his throat. “I am not supposed to, not with the laws that we are to abide by in place at this encampment --.”
“Which haven’t been kept.”
“That is not - perhaps this is your punishment.”
Gojyo thinks his stomach just fell into his feet, which really isn’t fair because he got over the vomiting a good month ago and he’s in no mood to feel that way again, thanks. “Kids aren’t supposed to be a punishment,” he says, and he shakes his head. “I’m not supposed to have kids. I’m a guy. I’m supposed to be ster --!”
“Congratulations,” Gwendal grunts, clasping Gojyo’s shoulder tightly, then, “I will teach you to knit.”
__
Breakfasts are interesting affairs. They have always been such, but now they really are, even more than before. Wolfwood and Gwendal join, and sometimes Dumbledore stops by but he doesn’t eat much. (He sits very far away from Wolfwood, who would like to kill him, and sort of near to Sanzo, who is entirely unsure as to how to react to the wizard now.) But Hakkai cooks, and more often than not he now clucks at Gojyo about proper nutrition and Gojyo grumbles about it but puts aside the meat buns - the monkey steals them - and eats the damned grapefruit. It is not fair, Gojyo thinks, that Wolfwood does not nag at Gwendal about proper nutrition, but maybe Gwendal eats his fruits and veggies and fiber and whatever else already. It pisses Gojyo off.
Of course, he’s most pissed by the fact that he cannot smoke. Sanzo complains about having to stand outside when he lights up, but every time the priest does Gojyo watches Wolfwood’s hands twitch (his own do, too) and he figures the guy’s imagining strangling Sanzo (‘cuz he is too). It’s nice and all, he figures - it’s a bad habit, it’s probably healthier this way and all - but then he remembers that the reason he can’t smoke is because he is pregnant, and then he longs for a beer.
Gwendal is teaching him how to knit, too. Gojyo doesn’t want to. Who would want to? He doesn’t want to. He wants to sit in his room and cry or something. Punch Hakkai maybe, but the last thing he wants to do is purl. Oh, hell. He knows that it’s called purling, now. It’s degrading. It’s --. And then one afternoon Gwendal has to go and make knitting manly.
They’re sitting on the front steps of the chapel, needles clacking away, and Wolfwood comes out to lean against one of the columns holding the overhang up. He grins at Gwendal - who is thankfully much fatter than Gojyo and therefore makes Gojyo feel better about himself - and Gwendal tells him to leave them be, they are busy.
Seriously, it sounds like a joke, a challenge, but as Gojyo watches Wolfwood try to distract Gwendal and Gwendal hurl one of his knitting needles at the man, Gojyo thinks that knitting could be all right. The knitting needle wobbles in the column, right where Wolfwood’s head just was, and Gojyo makes Gwendal promise to teach him how to do that after he’s done learning how to make booties (the ones with pom-poms on them).
__
Being pregnant is a lot like how it was with the no-sex rule. There is no sex.
The real ringer is that you’ve had sex, though - you’ve done the forbidden, you’ve whetted your appetite momentarily - and so the idea that you’re back to square one is kind of frustrating. ‘Course, it’s hard to want sex when you weigh thirty pounds more than you did five months ago, but Gojyo manages. He’s talented like that. Plus, it’s not like Hakkai’s gotten fat and ugly and --. And oh hell, Gojyo thinks, he is getting hormonal, and someone needs to kill him please.
Gwendal has yet to teach him the knitting needle thing and that’s good, because he’s already tried killing Yumichika with the beginnings of a scarf for Hakkai (which he loves, by the way, and the whole strangulation thing probably made it more appealing - Hakkai is a freak) and if he’d had the throwing thing down it all would’ve ended in tears. Yumichika tried to find out how in the world he got knocked up and there was no way Gojyo was going to give him the benefit of knowing that he could get laid if he found some idiot stupid enough to do it… though Yumichika pregnant would be hilarious.
But yeah, the sex thing. The no-sex thing, really. The whole “I’m fat and ugly but also really horny and maybe you could blow me now” thing. Hakkai does not get this, or maybe he does and he is a sadistic bastard. Hakkai sleeps next to Gojyo in their bed in the hospital and Gojyo thinks about all the different ways he could jump him; but by the time he gets up the resolve to do it he passes out. He’s exhausted, is all. He’s heavy, and his feet hate him, and his ankles are swollen, and men weren’t meant to have babies unless they’re Gwendal; and this seems to be Mother Nature’s way of telling him this.
One morning he finally snaps. Hakkai asks him to call everyone together for breakfast and he gripes about it but waddles off to find the stupid priest and the monkey and --.
Outside of Wolfwood’s room he stops, stares accusingly at the wooden door in front of him. That is not fair. Gwendal is like twice the size he is, and a lot pissier, and he’s getting laid.
Gojyo takes a moment to beat his head against the opposing wall and then waddles - no, stalks - into the kitchen, grabs Hakkai by the collar, and drags him into one of the chapel’s back rooms.
Breakfast is late that day, as it all burned and had to be redone. Gojyo is very okay with this. Hakkai was otherwise occupied.
__
Gojyo was not meant to be pregnant.
Okay, that really isn’t as stupid as it sounds.
It’s not just because he’s a guy, because Gwendal’s a guy too and it works for him. It just does. (Don’t tell anyone he said that.) Gwendal’s got the whole knitting thing and the baking thing and he’s kind of like a mom anyway, what with his cute fetish and stuff. But Gojyo? Yeah, no one looks at Gojyo and thinks “mom”, and that’s good. That’s normal. That’s the natural order of things. And again we return to the “hello, camp” idea, and. Right. The natural order of things can bite camp’s… yeah.
But Gojyo has reached the conclusion, because there’s actually a difference between being pregnant and giving birth. He’s been pregnant for a while now! He’s got that under control. It sucks, and it’s hard to move, and he can’t pick anything up that he drops - but he’s got Hakkai for that, so. But see, there’s a fundamental difference between the two things. It’s not the idea of pain that unsettles him - he can handle pain. He’s friends with pain! He’s all over that. It’s the. It’s the thing about.
Okay. Where does the baby come out, and does he even want to think about it? So surgery could probably work. That makes sense. But as far as he can figure it he’s got a butt baby and he doesn’t want to even imagine the logistics of it, even if he could probably ask Gwendal about it.
He does not want Gwendal to tell him about male birth. He does not want --. Gwendal’d probably use stuffed toys as models, and. And Gojyo doesn’t think he can handle that. He fully plans on having one of the docs completely knock him out and getting it over and done with, and when he wakes up there will be a little bouncy bundle of What the Hell and everything will make sense again. For the most part. Except for the addition to the family. Hell, two of ‘em if you count Gwendal and Wolfwood in the equation (though Gojyo thinks Gwendal’s packing twins, because the guy’s like a balloon).
So it’ll all end well, Gojyo figures. It’ll go according to plan. Doped to the gills! Check. Maybe considering killing Hakkai! Check. Bouncy baby brat who will quite possibly be cuter than sin! He’s working on that one, and it’ll come off great, thanks.
Gojyo not-so-secretly hopes it will be a little girl.
__
Mother’s intuition!
Gojyo hates that phrase. He would like to take that phrase out back and kick its butt, but then he remembers that it is a phrase and as such not readily able to be flayed alive. He could try, though, and he thinks he would succeed, because he has that kind of determination.
But yeah. Mother’s intuition. Gwendal’s got twins, a boy and a girl, and Wolfwood may or may not want to kill him for naming them Angelina and Thomas, but what’re you going to do? There’s no way that Wolfwood wants to be stuck raising them as a single dad, and besides that Gwendal would probably kick the crap outta him if Wolfwood tried anything. So there you go! They’ve got twins. They’re kind of cute, if Gojyo has any say in the matter, but they don’t compare at all to green eyes and red hair and she can smile already and she’s just a little… Right, anyway.
Gojyo wanted to name her Kanan! First thing that came to his mind, really, and then it came to his attention that, y’know, it’s not exactly the best name. What with the track record and all. Ha ha…
But when Hakkai stood next to them and looked down at her cradled in Gojyo’s arms he got this weird, puckered look to his face and he whispered, “Kanan,” and ghosted his fingers across her forehead; and if Gojyo was going to disagree with that then he was a bigger idiot than previously thought. (Though he did almost wanna, y’know, ask. It was okay if he thought of it, but with Hakkai thinking of it then… y’know. A little creepy. But Hakkai’s a freak, so. So maybe it was okay.)
Yeah. Maybe it was okay.
But Hakkai was still the mom.