This is my goodbye ...
This is my saying goodbye. To this journal, forever. This journal has been with me since the end of December 2003, and now I am done with it.
This journal hasn't been what it was suppose to be for me. For me, I wanted a place where I could put my thoughts and not be judged or have to watch what I say, or not be able to put down how I feel. It hasn't been that at all. It has been a way to talk to friends. It has taken the place of actually hanging out with friends, of having that connection that I used to crave. I don't crave that connection anymore. I have it with a few people, but not many. I can't put my true thoughts, my true feelings in here. Never was able to. And do you know why, because I have always been afraid of who I may hurt, who I may piss off, who won't be able understand, who think they know exactly what I'm feeling when they don't even have a clue, things like that. I need a journal where I can breathe, where I can be me, where I can put whatever happy, deceitful, manipulative, sad, disappointed, joyful, any kind of feeling into. I can describe things my way, and know that no one can contradict it, and knowing that no one feels the same way or tries to pretend that they understand.
This is me saying goodbye to reading people's journals. I can't do it anymore. I can't see everyone happy around me, and me feeling like one wrong step, and I'll be gone forever. I can't constantly read how people complain or feel about some things. I can't see people being happy, and reading everything about their happy, perfect world. I'm not in a happy perfect world, haven't been for some time. I'm good at faking that I am okay, when inside, I'm far from it. Yesterday just reading people's journals made me want to cry. I can't do this, this faking that I'm okay and happy for everyone. Sorry, but I'm just not that nice. I have my moments, most of the time, when I am truely genuinely happy for you guys and what you have found with someone else. And then I have these moments, some of the time, when I am jealous as hell for what you have found with someone else. I'm not going to find that, no matter what anyone says. That is why I am the one who is going in and out of relationships. That is why I have failed relationships, rather than one that lasts. I set my own standards, and I break them or keep them depending on my moods. And my standards have nothing to do with morals. Morals, people don't even know where to begin with trying to define it. You may think you have morals because you can throw it around like they don't have any true value. I don't know what morals I have, but I do know that I have them. It may not be your definition of morals, but then again, people could say that people without religion don't have morals. And I know for a fact that THAT isn't true. I love many people who don't have religion in their life, and they do have morals, whatever morals are. But this isn't about morals, this is about me saying goodbye.
This is a goodbye to not being me, the real me. I'm not someone who goes and spread gossip anymore, I haven't for some time, but people still perceive me as the groups' gossiper. I keep what people tell me. I am someone who loves to argue. Someone who loves to voice her own opinions, and thoughts, without wanting sarcasm after it or a look of complete disbelief on your face when I am telling you. I hate people's opinions of me. I hate that people talk about me. I hate that I have no way to change that people talk about me. I hate that people have the worst reputation about me, when nothing could be further from the truth. I'm done with this bullshit of trying to please everyone and being the person that everyone expects me to be. I can't be that person anymore, I just have to be me. And I know finally, that that is enough for me.
This is not a goodbye to my friendships with people. You have my number if you need to talk, but don't expect me to know what is going on unless you tell me, because I will not be checking your journal. I have your number as well, so if I feel like talking to you then I will call you, or if I feel like hanging out with you, then I will call you. We all have each other numbers, so if you need to chat or want to hang out, or need someone to listen who won't judge, then I will be here. My cell phone is on all night, I rarely turn it off. I love my friends, but I can't do this anymore. I need to be me, and to do that I need to get away from the drama. I can't thrive on that anymore, the way other people can. For the last months, drama has just killed me. I have had two relationships with the shindig group watching its every move. I can't deal with that. Cause after every breakup, I have had the are you alright questions. And I have always had to answer yes, when I could barely keep from crying. I've had to put on this smile, to not let people know what is actually going on inside of me. Cause I knew that people, well some did, but I know that people in general didn't want to hear how unhappy I was, didn't want to know that I was unhappy, becuase they were happy. I'm thrilled that you all are happy. I just can't understand anymore, how you all are so happy, when I'm not. And why you should get to be happy, while I'm not.
So this is my goodbye to this journal. You have been always there for me. Have helped me through some hard times, and will always be there. But the drama has affected me too much. The drama killed my spirit. I need to get my spirit back. I need to get me back. This is what I need. A life without the bullshit of drama.
A final note before I end this goodbye: Thank you Lindsey and Michael from the bottom of my heart for yesterday night. For being there to cheer me up when I cried, and to wipe away my tears. I will love you both forever for last night. Thank you.