(no subject)
[series]: Tales of Vesperia [Game, using Flynn's sidestory Manga for supplemental background]
[character]: Sodia
[character history / background]: There isn't much on Sodia's backstory, but what is known is this: Sodia was born to a noble family. At some point in her life she experienced a situation that made her wish to join the knights in order to help people and uphold justice in a way she did not believe she was capable of as a noble. During her time in the knights she was briefly assigned to the corrupt Captain Cumore's brigade, but that lasted only a few days--most likely she requested a transfer out herself, since Cumore offers her a place among his followers any time she "changes her mind."
She was then assigned to Lieutenant Flynn, a common-born knight who was rising quickly in the ranks, to the jealousy of his peers. At first she was not sure what to think of his strict adherence to justice, but soon saw his true dedication when he wouldn't allow even officials or children to get away with breaking the law. She was touched, however, by his mercy to the weak, even when he still made them serve for their crimes. He explained to Sodia that his goal was to change the country from the inside out, to make it fair and just for everyone.
Sodia discovered suspicious activity regarding a Duke Calvin and went to Flynn, but she was not fully confident in Flynn, and she witnessed him with one of the nobles, Lady Estellise, and misunderstood (rather jealously) thinking he was just trying to gain favor with the nobles after all. Sodia decided to solve things on her own, but she was captured by Calvin when she discovered he was keeping commoner women as slaves. Sodia was nearly made into one of Calvin's possessions but Flynn saved the day and arrested Calvin. Later on Calvin was acquitted and Sodia had doubts about the knight's ability to do any lasting good or helpful change for the world, and Flynn cheered her up by explaining his goals to change the country from within. Sodia grew devoted to Flynn's ideals and optimism, his dedication and methods, and decided to place her faith in him as her superior officer.
She followed him on his knight's pilgrimage, staying at his side through the events of the game except in those moments he ordered her on missions on her own. The basic plot summary is here but Sodia's role in things was relatively minor throughout. She served as Flynn's second, remaining by his side throughout his promotions to captain and later on, acting commandant.
Fairly early in the game the party meets Flynn and Sodia--Sodia recognized Yuri as a wanted criminal, and while Flynn soothed her suspicion, Yuri's methods and the effect his words and presence had on Flynn made Sodia uneasy about and suspicious of Yuri. As they continued to encounter each other, she became more and more unsure of why Flynn, the ideal of a knight, was best friends with an unlawful ruffian. Further, every time he encountered Yuri, Flynn seemed to become unsettled or angry, uncertain. As no one and nothing else could shake Flynn's convictions this way, Sodia grew more and more jealous resentful and wary of Yuri.
It wasn't until the party reached the shrine of Zaude and confronted Alexei, however, that these feelings of protectiveness for Flynn came to a head. Flynn was injured protecting Yuri from Alexei, and while Yuri and company did defeat Alexei, Sodia stabbed Yuri and watched him drop into the ocean. Even as she did it, she was horrified at her own actions, but the actions were meant to be protecting her commander, a man she believed in fiercely.
Yuri survived, and Sodia had to beg him to save Flynn from a monster attack. When he and Sodia talked later he told her he wouldn't tell Flynn, or anyone, who had tried to kill him. Sodia found this strange mercy confusing and was left to wonder what to do with herself and her crime. In the meantime she needed to support Flynn in creating a town for refugees.
[character abilities]: Sodia is a knight and uses a blastia like other knights. One can assume she's proficient with a sword and shield, and well versed in combat artes. As Flynn's second she's probably stronger than your average knight, but she's also never shown in combat, and is clearly not as strong as any of the party members.
She's a good organizer and commander in her own right, as Flynn's second in command a lot of his orders are carried out through her. She doesn't have what it takes to be a leader like Flynn, but she can command troops with the best of them.
[character personality]: Sodia is a woman driven by ideals. She wants to help the weak, she wants to punish the corrupt. But her own sense of self-esteem gets in her way--to put it simply, she doesn't have confidence in her own ideals and her own strength. It's not that she's weak-willed or a push-over, she's quite adamant about certain things even, but her experiences have been that she herself is unable to change a corrupt system, whether as a noble or a knight, she's always been helpless. Until she met Flynn. Flynn who never wavers in his convictions and who seems to be able to accomplish anything he puts his mind to. Flynn, who, from Sodia's perspective, sees a loss or failure and attacks the problems with renewed vigor in order to accomplish his ideals.
That sort of confidence and belief draws Sodia. It's Flynn's confidence and effectiveness that causes Sodia to dedicate herself and her beliefs to his ideals. Because while Sodia cannot believe in her own power to change the world, she can believe in supporting Flynn. Flynn's conviction inspires her, and that inspiration is more than mere devotion. Because while Sodia is a good knight with good ideals, her certain brand of lack of self-confidence lends her to a hint of fanaticism. Her zealous belief in Flynn leaves no room for him ever to be wrong. Even in the things she disapproves of--his friendship with Yuri for example--Flynn is never the one at fault, in Sodia's mind. Either he's being deceived or otherwise tricked, or he's simply right in ways she doesn't understand. Flynn is above question and above reproach, and it angers her whenever someone dares to do either.
Oddly enough Sodia herself will still argue with Flynn, respectfully, when she disagrees with him. She might even disobey if she decides that Flynn's orders are not in Flynn's best interests--because while Flynn is above reproach he is stupidly selfless and Sodia will not sit by and watch him be self-sacrificing. She believes it is her job as his subordinate to protect and guard him, even from himself. Hypocritically to the belief that Flynn is infallible, Sodia, and possibly Witcher, are the only ones she believes are allowed to argue with Flynn. Everyone else doesn't have the right or the understanding of the Commandant, in her mind. After all, if they disagree with Flynn they can't possibly understand that everything he does is for the best.
If Sodia's personality seems fixated on Flynn, it's because it very much is. She is a model of a knight subordinate--her lord's will is her will, his desires are her own. She is capable of her own thoughts, desires, actions and so forth, of course, and there are times she goes against Flynn's wishes much to her guilt and shame, but a lot of her personality is focused on being an ideal. Being the ideal second in command, the ideal knight. Able to anticipate her lord's wishes, able to fulfill Flynn's commands and create a world where his ideals (and subsequently her own) can flourish.
She also has a short temper--something she really does try to keep in check, but only with marginal success. When something riles her up she's quick to react about it, rarely taking the time to cool down and think rationally before flying off the handle. While she is also usually quick to apologize when she's in the wrong, she has enough pride that her apologies tend to be stiff and awkward.
At Zaude, when Flynn was hurt saving Yuri, Sodia snapped. Her jealousy of Yuri (and there is no mistake that she was jealous of his relationship with Flynn) coupled with her disapproval and general dislike of Yuri and her extreme worry for Flynn's health, culminated in the very bad choice of stabbing her commander's best friend. It's not a decision she's proud of and it's something she would most likely take back if she could. It's also the kind of thing you can't just apologize for, and Sodia's awkward enough without the heaps of guilt and shame for attempting to murder a man against her own ideals and her commander's wishes.
But instead of owning up to the mistake to Flynn, something Sodia would do with a lesser mishap, Sodia does something worse; she keeps it a secret. Now, it's understandable that you wouldn't tell the man you admire most in the world that you tried to kill his best friend, but the longer she keeps silent, the more wracked with guilt, uncertainty and fear Sodia becomes. She's sure, when Yuri reappears, whole and alive, that she will be exposed--and then Yuri informs her that he isn't going to tell anyone about it. This is probably the worst punishment Yuri could give her, because it once again places the burden of telling Flynn on Sodia's shoulders. It's not something she can do, because she's too afraid of Flynn's reaction--afraid of losing his trust and confidence, and in a way losing any meaning in her own life and actions.
It leaves her a mess, continuing to live a lie, consequences crafted by her own hands. It also puts Yuri in a new light to Sodia, because instead of running to Flynn with her misdeeds, something she expected, something she herself would have done, Yuri doesn't--he even expressly states that he won't. And Sodia doesn't know what to make of that--whether to consider it sadism or a kind of surprising honor, either way Sodia's perception of Yuri has shifted a little. Though she still doesn't like or approve of Yuri, she's now forced to see past her own preconceived notions and realize she was mistaken.
At this point in the game she is functioning just fine as Flynn's second in command, but these concerns and the guilt are weighing on her heavily, amplifying her own innate lack of self esteem and uncertainty, as well as blunting her temper a bit. She feels she has less right to become self-righteously angry about things, when she herself has dirty hands. Not that she doesn't still have quite a quick temper and sharp tongue about it.
Sodia's biggest strengths are her loyalty and dedication, her serious nature, her sense of duty. She takes everything seriously and goes at problems with a fierce determination and will. She's fierce, competitive and strong-willed in that she won't let others rule her without deciding on her own that they are worthy of her respect. In that way she can be pretty independent. She's smart and observant, and is suspicious enough of people to generally be able to spot creeps and villains with ease--not that she can't be fooled, but she doesn't place trust in people easily.
Her weaknesses however, are many. While her loyalty is a strength, it's also a weakness. She is too serious, to the point of not having much of a sense of humor about things. She's fanatically devoted to Flynn so much that she even attempted murder out of protectiveness. She is too easily riled to temper, she has a lot of pride, and she's competitive. She hates backing down, and she gets pretty easily jealous of those Flynn regards highly--when she's angry or jealous or provoked she's prone to acting irrationally, and so can be manipulated emotionally with relative ease.
[point in timeline you're picking your character from]: Before the final battle
[journal post]: This is Sodia of the Flynn Brigade, reporting. Location unknown, location of my unit unknown.
Having interrogated the local citizens, my status appears to be dubious. Should any members of command be present in this place, please advise.
[third person / log sample]: Waiting was nothing new. There were many times in the course of a soldier's duty when one had to wait. Sodia was used to it--waiting for orders, waiting for information, waiting for something to happen at all. It was one of the less stimulating aspects of the job, but it was also part of the duty of a soldier to be alert and ready for the situations that would come--the orders, the information, the unexpected.
But this time it was different. They had the information, and the unexpected had already happened. Their orders were wait. It didn't sit well with her--yes, they had important things to do here, keeping the town safe from monsters, protecting and helping the refugees. She couldn't deny it was important work, and Flynn was the leader for the job. It wasn't that, that bothered her.
It was just... Flynn looked like he wanted to be elsewhere. Sodia knew, she did too. She could offer to take his place, but what would that solve? She wasn't the leader people trusted, and Flynn had too strong a sense of duty to go--even if going meant helping to save the world. So they waited and built the town and handled the refugees and looked into the sky, wondering and hoping that Yuri and his group would make it to defeat that thing.
It wasn't the first time Sodia could recall waiting for Yuri to go play hero, and she liked it no more this time than she had all the rest.
Except this time the thought came with guilt rather than just anger. Flynn trusted Yuri had taken blows meant for him, and Sodia had nearly killed him. Had tried very hard to, in fact.
She stole a glance at Flynn, pouring over supply reports and patrol rosters and other maps and charts necessary to the business of running the knights. She herself was doing the business of sorting through petitions--it was her job to screen information after all, redirect work so that only that which was necessary for the commandant reached Flynn, and the rest she or his other subordinates would handle. Not that he listened, he took too much on himself anyway, aiding any who approached him regardless of whether he had the time for it. She admired that about him, but it was also her job to make sure he didn't overwork himself.
The memory of his tired eyes and stressed expression as they combed the sea for Yuri after Zaude made her look away with another pang of guilt.
Only she and Yuri knew what happened, and Yuri had sworn not to tell. She wasn't sure that was a relief--it had to be a relief, right? That way Flynn would never know. He'd never look at her differently. He could place his confidence in her--stupidly! She'd already betrayed his trust, how could he be so trusting? How could she let him continue to be?
Wasn't it her job as his subordinate to warn him of danger among his followers?
"Sir." Flynn looked up at her voice, and for a moment she met his eyes. The open, trusting question there, what did she need?, caused her to look away quickly, standing as an excuse for why she couldn't meet his gaze.
"I am going to get some air. Please take a break soon, sir."
Flynn nodded and didn't watch her leave, for which she was grateful. She knew Flynn wasn't naive, he wasn't stupid or gullible, he wouldn't be commandant if that were true. But he chose to trust people, chose to see the better part of them, and Sodia had observed time and again how people responded to that.
People wanted to be good, when Flynn believed in them.
She wanted to be the person he believed in. But it was harder and harder to meet his eyes, to justify standing at his side, when she let him live in ignorance.
But she couldn't tell him. She would rather live in silence and shame, she would rather keep it secret to her grave, she would rather anything but to let Flynn know she'd betrayed his confidence and trust. She'd rather die than see him look at her differently.
She didn't know if she was grateful to Yuri, for not telling Flynn, or if she hated him even more for leaving the choice to her. Because she just couldn't do it.
[character]: Sodia
[character history / background]: There isn't much on Sodia's backstory, but what is known is this: Sodia was born to a noble family. At some point in her life she experienced a situation that made her wish to join the knights in order to help people and uphold justice in a way she did not believe she was capable of as a noble. During her time in the knights she was briefly assigned to the corrupt Captain Cumore's brigade, but that lasted only a few days--most likely she requested a transfer out herself, since Cumore offers her a place among his followers any time she "changes her mind."
She was then assigned to Lieutenant Flynn, a common-born knight who was rising quickly in the ranks, to the jealousy of his peers. At first she was not sure what to think of his strict adherence to justice, but soon saw his true dedication when he wouldn't allow even officials or children to get away with breaking the law. She was touched, however, by his mercy to the weak, even when he still made them serve for their crimes. He explained to Sodia that his goal was to change the country from the inside out, to make it fair and just for everyone.
Sodia discovered suspicious activity regarding a Duke Calvin and went to Flynn, but she was not fully confident in Flynn, and she witnessed him with one of the nobles, Lady Estellise, and misunderstood (rather jealously) thinking he was just trying to gain favor with the nobles after all. Sodia decided to solve things on her own, but she was captured by Calvin when she discovered he was keeping commoner women as slaves. Sodia was nearly made into one of Calvin's possessions but Flynn saved the day and arrested Calvin. Later on Calvin was acquitted and Sodia had doubts about the knight's ability to do any lasting good or helpful change for the world, and Flynn cheered her up by explaining his goals to change the country from within. Sodia grew devoted to Flynn's ideals and optimism, his dedication and methods, and decided to place her faith in him as her superior officer.
She followed him on his knight's pilgrimage, staying at his side through the events of the game except in those moments he ordered her on missions on her own. The basic plot summary is here but Sodia's role in things was relatively minor throughout. She served as Flynn's second, remaining by his side throughout his promotions to captain and later on, acting commandant.
Fairly early in the game the party meets Flynn and Sodia--Sodia recognized Yuri as a wanted criminal, and while Flynn soothed her suspicion, Yuri's methods and the effect his words and presence had on Flynn made Sodia uneasy about and suspicious of Yuri. As they continued to encounter each other, she became more and more unsure of why Flynn, the ideal of a knight, was best friends with an unlawful ruffian. Further, every time he encountered Yuri, Flynn seemed to become unsettled or angry, uncertain. As no one and nothing else could shake Flynn's convictions this way, Sodia grew more and more jealous resentful and wary of Yuri.
It wasn't until the party reached the shrine of Zaude and confronted Alexei, however, that these feelings of protectiveness for Flynn came to a head. Flynn was injured protecting Yuri from Alexei, and while Yuri and company did defeat Alexei, Sodia stabbed Yuri and watched him drop into the ocean. Even as she did it, she was horrified at her own actions, but the actions were meant to be protecting her commander, a man she believed in fiercely.
Yuri survived, and Sodia had to beg him to save Flynn from a monster attack. When he and Sodia talked later he told her he wouldn't tell Flynn, or anyone, who had tried to kill him. Sodia found this strange mercy confusing and was left to wonder what to do with herself and her crime. In the meantime she needed to support Flynn in creating a town for refugees.
[character abilities]: Sodia is a knight and uses a blastia like other knights. One can assume she's proficient with a sword and shield, and well versed in combat artes. As Flynn's second she's probably stronger than your average knight, but she's also never shown in combat, and is clearly not as strong as any of the party members.
She's a good organizer and commander in her own right, as Flynn's second in command a lot of his orders are carried out through her. She doesn't have what it takes to be a leader like Flynn, but she can command troops with the best of them.
[character personality]: Sodia is a woman driven by ideals. She wants to help the weak, she wants to punish the corrupt. But her own sense of self-esteem gets in her way--to put it simply, she doesn't have confidence in her own ideals and her own strength. It's not that she's weak-willed or a push-over, she's quite adamant about certain things even, but her experiences have been that she herself is unable to change a corrupt system, whether as a noble or a knight, she's always been helpless. Until she met Flynn. Flynn who never wavers in his convictions and who seems to be able to accomplish anything he puts his mind to. Flynn, who, from Sodia's perspective, sees a loss or failure and attacks the problems with renewed vigor in order to accomplish his ideals.
That sort of confidence and belief draws Sodia. It's Flynn's confidence and effectiveness that causes Sodia to dedicate herself and her beliefs to his ideals. Because while Sodia cannot believe in her own power to change the world, she can believe in supporting Flynn. Flynn's conviction inspires her, and that inspiration is more than mere devotion. Because while Sodia is a good knight with good ideals, her certain brand of lack of self-confidence lends her to a hint of fanaticism. Her zealous belief in Flynn leaves no room for him ever to be wrong. Even in the things she disapproves of--his friendship with Yuri for example--Flynn is never the one at fault, in Sodia's mind. Either he's being deceived or otherwise tricked, or he's simply right in ways she doesn't understand. Flynn is above question and above reproach, and it angers her whenever someone dares to do either.
Oddly enough Sodia herself will still argue with Flynn, respectfully, when she disagrees with him. She might even disobey if she decides that Flynn's orders are not in Flynn's best interests--because while Flynn is above reproach he is stupidly selfless and Sodia will not sit by and watch him be self-sacrificing. She believes it is her job as his subordinate to protect and guard him, even from himself. Hypocritically to the belief that Flynn is infallible, Sodia, and possibly Witcher, are the only ones she believes are allowed to argue with Flynn. Everyone else doesn't have the right or the understanding of the Commandant, in her mind. After all, if they disagree with Flynn they can't possibly understand that everything he does is for the best.
If Sodia's personality seems fixated on Flynn, it's because it very much is. She is a model of a knight subordinate--her lord's will is her will, his desires are her own. She is capable of her own thoughts, desires, actions and so forth, of course, and there are times she goes against Flynn's wishes much to her guilt and shame, but a lot of her personality is focused on being an ideal. Being the ideal second in command, the ideal knight. Able to anticipate her lord's wishes, able to fulfill Flynn's commands and create a world where his ideals (and subsequently her own) can flourish.
She also has a short temper--something she really does try to keep in check, but only with marginal success. When something riles her up she's quick to react about it, rarely taking the time to cool down and think rationally before flying off the handle. While she is also usually quick to apologize when she's in the wrong, she has enough pride that her apologies tend to be stiff and awkward.
At Zaude, when Flynn was hurt saving Yuri, Sodia snapped. Her jealousy of Yuri (and there is no mistake that she was jealous of his relationship with Flynn) coupled with her disapproval and general dislike of Yuri and her extreme worry for Flynn's health, culminated in the very bad choice of stabbing her commander's best friend. It's not a decision she's proud of and it's something she would most likely take back if she could. It's also the kind of thing you can't just apologize for, and Sodia's awkward enough without the heaps of guilt and shame for attempting to murder a man against her own ideals and her commander's wishes.
But instead of owning up to the mistake to Flynn, something Sodia would do with a lesser mishap, Sodia does something worse; she keeps it a secret. Now, it's understandable that you wouldn't tell the man you admire most in the world that you tried to kill his best friend, but the longer she keeps silent, the more wracked with guilt, uncertainty and fear Sodia becomes. She's sure, when Yuri reappears, whole and alive, that she will be exposed--and then Yuri informs her that he isn't going to tell anyone about it. This is probably the worst punishment Yuri could give her, because it once again places the burden of telling Flynn on Sodia's shoulders. It's not something she can do, because she's too afraid of Flynn's reaction--afraid of losing his trust and confidence, and in a way losing any meaning in her own life and actions.
It leaves her a mess, continuing to live a lie, consequences crafted by her own hands. It also puts Yuri in a new light to Sodia, because instead of running to Flynn with her misdeeds, something she expected, something she herself would have done, Yuri doesn't--he even expressly states that he won't. And Sodia doesn't know what to make of that--whether to consider it sadism or a kind of surprising honor, either way Sodia's perception of Yuri has shifted a little. Though she still doesn't like or approve of Yuri, she's now forced to see past her own preconceived notions and realize she was mistaken.
At this point in the game she is functioning just fine as Flynn's second in command, but these concerns and the guilt are weighing on her heavily, amplifying her own innate lack of self esteem and uncertainty, as well as blunting her temper a bit. She feels she has less right to become self-righteously angry about things, when she herself has dirty hands. Not that she doesn't still have quite a quick temper and sharp tongue about it.
Sodia's biggest strengths are her loyalty and dedication, her serious nature, her sense of duty. She takes everything seriously and goes at problems with a fierce determination and will. She's fierce, competitive and strong-willed in that she won't let others rule her without deciding on her own that they are worthy of her respect. In that way she can be pretty independent. She's smart and observant, and is suspicious enough of people to generally be able to spot creeps and villains with ease--not that she can't be fooled, but she doesn't place trust in people easily.
Her weaknesses however, are many. While her loyalty is a strength, it's also a weakness. She is too serious, to the point of not having much of a sense of humor about things. She's fanatically devoted to Flynn so much that she even attempted murder out of protectiveness. She is too easily riled to temper, she has a lot of pride, and she's competitive. She hates backing down, and she gets pretty easily jealous of those Flynn regards highly--when she's angry or jealous or provoked she's prone to acting irrationally, and so can be manipulated emotionally with relative ease.
[point in timeline you're picking your character from]: Before the final battle
[journal post]: This is Sodia of the Flynn Brigade, reporting. Location unknown, location of my unit unknown.
Having interrogated the local citizens, my status appears to be dubious. Should any members of command be present in this place, please advise.
[third person / log sample]: Waiting was nothing new. There were many times in the course of a soldier's duty when one had to wait. Sodia was used to it--waiting for orders, waiting for information, waiting for something to happen at all. It was one of the less stimulating aspects of the job, but it was also part of the duty of a soldier to be alert and ready for the situations that would come--the orders, the information, the unexpected.
But this time it was different. They had the information, and the unexpected had already happened. Their orders were wait. It didn't sit well with her--yes, they had important things to do here, keeping the town safe from monsters, protecting and helping the refugees. She couldn't deny it was important work, and Flynn was the leader for the job. It wasn't that, that bothered her.
It was just... Flynn looked like he wanted to be elsewhere. Sodia knew, she did too. She could offer to take his place, but what would that solve? She wasn't the leader people trusted, and Flynn had too strong a sense of duty to go--even if going meant helping to save the world. So they waited and built the town and handled the refugees and looked into the sky, wondering and hoping that Yuri and his group would make it to defeat that thing.
It wasn't the first time Sodia could recall waiting for Yuri to go play hero, and she liked it no more this time than she had all the rest.
Except this time the thought came with guilt rather than just anger. Flynn trusted Yuri had taken blows meant for him, and Sodia had nearly killed him. Had tried very hard to, in fact.
She stole a glance at Flynn, pouring over supply reports and patrol rosters and other maps and charts necessary to the business of running the knights. She herself was doing the business of sorting through petitions--it was her job to screen information after all, redirect work so that only that which was necessary for the commandant reached Flynn, and the rest she or his other subordinates would handle. Not that he listened, he took too much on himself anyway, aiding any who approached him regardless of whether he had the time for it. She admired that about him, but it was also her job to make sure he didn't overwork himself.
The memory of his tired eyes and stressed expression as they combed the sea for Yuri after Zaude made her look away with another pang of guilt.
Only she and Yuri knew what happened, and Yuri had sworn not to tell. She wasn't sure that was a relief--it had to be a relief, right? That way Flynn would never know. He'd never look at her differently. He could place his confidence in her--stupidly! She'd already betrayed his trust, how could he be so trusting? How could she let him continue to be?
Wasn't it her job as his subordinate to warn him of danger among his followers?
"Sir." Flynn looked up at her voice, and for a moment she met his eyes. The open, trusting question there, what did she need?, caused her to look away quickly, standing as an excuse for why she couldn't meet his gaze.
"I am going to get some air. Please take a break soon, sir."
Flynn nodded and didn't watch her leave, for which she was grateful. She knew Flynn wasn't naive, he wasn't stupid or gullible, he wouldn't be commandant if that were true. But he chose to trust people, chose to see the better part of them, and Sodia had observed time and again how people responded to that.
People wanted to be good, when Flynn believed in them.
She wanted to be the person he believed in. But it was harder and harder to meet his eyes, to justify standing at his side, when she let him live in ignorance.
But she couldn't tell him. She would rather live in silence and shame, she would rather keep it secret to her grave, she would rather anything but to let Flynn know she'd betrayed his confidence and trust. She'd rather die than see him look at her differently.
She didn't know if she was grateful to Yuri, for not telling Flynn, or if she hated him even more for leaving the choice to her. Because she just couldn't do it.