Hi, my name is Claire...
I am tired of forcing myself into believing that there are only two choices in everything.
I lead a small life-- small, but not insignificant. Strangely, I fooled myself into believing that my life was just a big show and tell. I found comfort in asking obscure questions and not wanting answers; categorizing myself as special because I dared to ask. Well, this is all I cared to find out:
1) I've always hated church. I only went for my guilty pleasure of feeling like some spiritual delinquent. I learned to lie extremely well in church. I enjoyed forming flowcharts of silent argument against weekly sermons. I'm well aware that God transcends logic and arguments, but what were they going to do? Take pity on me?
2) However, I loved mass. I'm only human and I am a sucker for "ancient" rituals and dead languages. Plus, it was always fun to go up to the altar. Everything looked so far from up there.
3) I like to pretend that I am obsessive compulsive and anal. I'm not. I'm happy. I'd like to falsely admit that I am never content, but my life is just a series of content plateaus and the valleys in between wake me up every once in a while. That's really all I need.
4) I suck at this casual dating thing. I think I am the best thing alive in the first few days of introduction. I am an egomaniac. I like to seduce people only to remind myself that I still can. I sound like a Viagra ad! I think I tend to get boring. But, I think I can have a good time being boring. I give so damn much in the beginning of it all. And I fall in love with every man that pays the slightest bit of attention to me. Who doesn't? Well, straight men. (And that's the end of pathetic comedic relief!)
5) I think I believe in the "you give a piece of yourself away" analogy as far as the dating goes. Or any close relationship, really. You choose to make a certain story of yourself, and once that book is closed, you're gone. And eventually, what are you left with? Only bits and pieces of what could have been.
6) I think it's silly to get offended about the labels of spirituality and religion.
7) I live my life in a constant state of awe. I wouldn't mind never receiving answers. I just want to be completely amazed.
8) I don't think I can ever trust again. I definitely want to, and maybe that's all trust really is, but I find myself constantly searching for ulterior motives. If we can't escape from assumptions, and we're creatures bound by survival instincts, can we ever be genuine? Do all of our "selfless" actions still shadow the "I/me/my" of ulterior motives? Then how do good people exist? I'm probably just one of the most selfish beings on the planet.
9) I don't mind emotions being habitual. People aren't dumb. People choose to break habits when they know they're capable.
10) I think the only balance in my life is from the tension of opposites and constant contradictions. I honestly think I'm not capable of some multifaceted tangent of emotions. It sounds so condescending to think that everything you can feel is linear.
11) I really do love. I'm in love with the moment when I choose to love. Love someone or something or somewhere.
There's only so much to learn out there. There's so much you can learn. I think I've had my fill and I now need to learn how to express what I've gathered. And I'm slowly learning that this is the hardest part of it all.
All I want to do is take care of someone and be taken care of. Caring is indeed creepy. If any of you still want to be friends with me after this horrible unleashing of monster Claire, then please, let me. A boring monster, what a downer. (: