(no subject)
Demise-
I didn't realise how difficult this letter would be to write until I had written sixteen other versions of it, all of them now wasted energy, tossed into the fire. Now that I've started on seventeen, I've decided that whatever is written here will be what I send to you, no matter how much I think things should be left out, or put in, or changed around. I'm not going to edit myself this time.
Things with us were not as they should have been. I was not with you as I should have been. I know that somewhere along the line, I got lost, or confused, closed off, and now when I try to blame it all on you - the lack of communication, or your unease about talking with me - I see that I only made it worse. Only made it harder for you to talk to me. It was not solely your fault, nor was it mine. It was everything that had gone wrong around us that made us go wrong with each other.
I don't know if you understand how much I felt when we lost our baby. I don't know if I showed it to you, or that you didn't pick up on it, I just don't know, but I felt it, and I'm still dealing with it when I'm not quite sure how to. How exactly do you mourn something you were never sure you wanted in the first place? Something that was never there, something only you felt. I always felt it was more yours than it was mine because from the moment you told me you were pregnant, you seemed to pull away from me. You got scared, or ... I don't know. And I didn't know how much I might have wanted this with you until it was no longer ours to have, until someone else took it away from us. To say I didn't want it, that I wanted you to get rid of it, was easier when I didn't know what it would feel like to have it taken away ... then I just didn't know how to talk to you. I was the one that said we shouldn't be parents, that our lives would be better without this, and that you should have an abortion, and when it was gone ... what could I have said to you that wouldn't have sounded false, or hypocritical, because of what you'd heard me say before? I didn't know what to say, I didn't know how to explain to you that my feelings had changed, and I didn't think telling you that I wanted this baby with you would be healthy for me to say aloud, or for you to hear, once it was gone.
I know you're angry ... I don't know who you're angry at completely, but I know most of it goes out to Star, and I'm worried. I don't want you to change into something like her, something that hurts others because they're hurting too. I know you want your revenge, and I want it too, but I'm not willing to hand myself over to something I can't come back from to get it, and I wish you wouldn't either, because I'm not ready to let go of you. I'm not ready to not have you. I don't want to break up. I don't want to feel like you were so far gone that you were willing to cheat on me to hurt someone else.
I want us to be how we were again, and while I know that will never happen, I want us to try. I don't care how it goes, no matter how you cut it, getting through this will always be worse if we don't try to go it together, and I don't want you to try and do it alone. I don't think you should, and you don't deserve to. I want to help you, I want you to trust me again and talk to me, tell me everything ... every single thing, without fear of what I'd think, or feel towards you, because you would already know it all.
Please consider this. I don't think I'm willing to take no for an answer, but if that's what you really want, then I could try. I just want you to know I'm not ready for this to be over, and I haven't give up, I haven't let you go. Please owl me as soon as you can, and let me know what you want.
I love you.
-Theo.