The Arms Hotel, Room 618, Friday
Ghanima
Ghanima was sick to her soul when she opened the door and slid into her suite quietly, in case Alice was napping.
Primrose Everdeen and the other children would be haunting her dreams for quite some time, despite the fact that Coin had been paid back in full.
"Alice?" she called softly, slipping off her boots. "Are you awake, dear one?"
Alice
Alice hadn't been sleeping, but she hadn't roused herself from bed yet, either. It took some effort, these days, and usually she waited until the wee one sat herself firmly upon her bladder and forced Alice's hand. Which did not typically take long.
Stll, sleep was elusive, and she tried to catch what bits she could. At least her skin was no longer gray.
"Ghanima," she said, warmly, stumbling out of the bedroom to greet her sister-of-sorts with a hug. "I didn't expect you. How goes the war?"
Ghanima
"The war is done, and Katniss Everdeen has survived," she replied, returning the hug. "Physically, at least. Too many others were not as lucky."
Alice
"Is she ... unwell, then?" Alice asked, noting the hesitation on 'physically.' "One's body can endure so much more than one's spirit. I've never decided if that's a blessing or a curse."
To have one's body carry forward, when one's soul had extinguished, was its own particular variety of hell.
Ghanima
"And our spirits are so much resilient than we give them credit for as well," Ghanima said, pressing a kiss to Alice's hair. "Fandom is a refuge for survivors, I think, for no weak soul could survive here."
She gave Alice a sad smile before heading towards the kitchen and the tea service. "Has anything unusual happened while I was away? How long has it been here?"
Alice
"All of my gray has departed," Alice shared, seating herself upon the couch. It felt rude not to help with tea, but her ankles ached, and she'd permit herself selfishness. "A couple of spots were stubborn, but it seems peach was persistent. You've been gone ..."
That required a moment of consideration.
"Between a week and two," she said, "if it's Friday, and I'm fairly certain it is. There's been nothing of note, that is, nothing that I've noted; if something interesting rained on a day I didn't get out, I don't know of it. I believe we're getting respite."
Ghanima
"You haven't gone out?" Ghanima raised an eyebrow at Alice in disapproval. "You need sunshine and exercise, Alice, not brooding about the suite."
Especially not after her bout with grayness.
Alice
"You sound as if you're my mother," Alice said, fondly. She didn't object. She could use some mothering. "I never intend to stay in all day. I don't know how it happens. I say that I'll go for a walk this afternoon, and then I have so many things to do before I can get there that I never get through that list to get there. It's like Looking-Glass Land all over again, running just to stand still."
She needed sleep, but her dreams were of fire, so her mind resisted as hard as it could. The tug-of-war was unpleasant.
Ghanima
"Alas, I am merely an old soul, who has enough years in her heart to be your mother many times over," Ghanima teased, but it was the Sayyadina that eyed her worriedly.
"For someone who has not gone out, you look exhausted. Is the baby giving you problems? We can adjust your diet, if she is."
Alice
"I don't believe it's her," Alice said, "though I've little to compare her with. It's me. I'm doing everything all wrong. Those books talk about glowing and cherishing this special time and I just wish it was over. I worry over the damage I've already done to her. It will only get worse. I dread this. I'm a terrible mother already and she's yet to make her debut."
Ghanima
"Alice, there are names etched in books older than civilization of bad mothers, and your name is not in them," Ghanima repeated for what felt like the thousandth time. "My grandmother is perhaps on that list, but not you."
"How much have you slept, dear one?" And of what did she dream?
Alice
Alice shook her head, trying to come up with some kind of a number. It felt as though she slept constantly. But she only ever skimmed the surface of it.
"Bits. Pieces," she said. "Then I save it up and sleep as long as I can. It doesn't seem to help. I only saw Leto the once. I ... If I could see him, does that mean I'm seeing the future? Possibilities? Is that what Spice does? Is she Pre-Born already? Would I even know? What if she's gone mad? What if that ... gray ... ichor got into her mind and is eating away at it? How ..."
These were the tangled knots Alice wrapped herself into, every time sleep drew near.
Ghanima
"I doubt she is Pre-Born," Ghanima soothed. "You have not been taking enough of the Spice for that to happen, I have made sure of it. She yet sleeps inside, and no madness troubles her dreams. I have seen no signs of it in her or you."
Alice
"Then she dreams more comfortably than I," Alice said, relieved on that front at least. "It's fire again. Sands gone to flame, cribs ablaze, it's always been fire. Perhaps the next time will be flood, only so as to prove to me that one can never be cautious enough."
Ghanima
In the back of her mind, the tau of Ghanima's awarenesses stirred. Chani in particular was disquieted over Alice and her mental state, and Ghanima held silent - and instantaneous - congress with them all.
It was decided in a state of unity; it was doubtful Alice was capable of making sound decisions in this state, with her mind ravaged by dreams of fire and the events of the last few weeks, and all within were worried for her safety if the dreams continued.
Ghanima had tried very hard to respect Alice's decisions, and yet not betray her brother, but the tipping point was here. Leto needed to come to Fandom, and the sooner the better.
"No more pizza before bed for you," she said glibly, going to check the fridge. "I think I shall actually have to begin cooking, to see if better food shall help you sleep more soundly. You are about to be subjected to the best of Harah's recipes, Alice."
Harah, too, should be summoned. No one else knew more about birthing Atreides babies than her.
Alice
"You'll have to forgive me for not helping," Alice offered, quickly. "It's a bit ... awkward, as it is now. Please, don't think for a moment that I take your hospitality for granted, or that I don't appreciate ... all that you have done for me."
It sounded a bit stilted, but she wasn't sure how else to express herself.
Ghanima
"If you knock over the stew with the baby, then none of us shall eat tonight," Ghanima laughed. "How hungry are you, Alice? So I know how much to make."
"Although I suppose I should double the amount no matter what, so you can heat the leftovers whenever the urge to eat strikes."
Or so Leto would have dinner once he arrived.
Leto
He had been running through the desert again. He didn't do it as often now as he once had, but it was the only way he could express what he felt inside. Human emotions contained in a body that could survive a coriolis storm; sometimes he had to face the oncoming wall of sand to feel alive.
He had moved quickly past his guards, and they had felt nothing but a rush of wind and the smell of sand. Reaching his own chambers he had sent the servants away after having been served a cup of coffee thick with Spice.
Ghanima
There was no more time to wait. Ghanima had wanted to respect Alice's wishes in regards to Leto, but enough was enough.
She made a face of distaste as she picked up the cursed-phone and dialed, waiting to see if the line would connect across time and space to Dune.
Leto
As it connected him to Fandom, Leto had learnt to overcome his suspicion of technology and appreciate the phone. As it rang, he looked at the display.
"Ghani," he said, his voice warm.
Ghanima
"Leto," she replied, a smile blossoming across her face at the sound of her twin's voice.
//Have you been keeping out of trouble, twin of my soul?// she teased, switching to Fremen. //Or shall I expect a ranting distrans from Stilgar?//
Leto
//Would you deprive me of all forms of amusement?//
There was a soft laugh. //I have to keep Stilgar from growing soft in old age, don't I?//
Ghanima
//There is no such thing as a soft Fremen,// Ghanima reminded him cheerfully. //But if you are so hard up for amusement, brother, you can always come visit me. The new children arrive soon.//
In more than one sense.
Leto
Now that was tempting.
//Perhaps I can assist you in making them feel welcome?// he suggested. //And you know me as well as I do myself. I had planned to visit during the break.//
Ghanima
//I know you better than you know yourself. Someone must,// Ghanima replied with a laugh. //You know my suite is always open to you, and I would welcome the company.//
Leto
Their laughter mingled. Yes, Ghani did, most of the time, and he had no reason to complain about that. //So if I catch the next portal and show up later tonight, would you buy pizza?//
He'd just have to make the Ixian ambassador wait longer.
Ghanima
//Tonight?// There was a beat, then; //Leto, what ambassadorial delegation are you tormenting?//
As the Empress, Ghani felt she had a right to know.
Leto
Well, Leto was happy to inform her.
//The Ixians. They do take themselves very seriously, and they can't even remember the meaning of the name of their planet.// That was always a funny joke.
Ghanima
It was always funny, and Ghani snickered like they were sixteen again.
//The Ix will wait,// she agreed, smothering another laugh. //I can provide far more entertaining company, dear one, and far better surprises.//
Leto
//Fandom and you combined always provide surprises.// It was in many ways a blessing that he could not see the future clearly outside his own universe.
Ghanima
Oh, he had no idea.
"You have a key," she said, swapping back to English. "Let yourself in, if I'm not home, and I'll see you tonight."
Leto
No, he had no idea.
"Don't forget the pizza," Leto replied.
Leto
He wasn't used to surprises. Leto found that he wasn't entirely comfortable with them anymore, as if surprises were something he'd grown out of. Of course he trusted Ghanima like he trusted himself, but that also meant... what? He had wished for a universe of surprises often enough, and now wondered if that was something his twin had considered. She was keeping something from him, he knew that, but whether that was a surprise birthday party on a day not his birthday or something entirely different he didn't know.
He turned the key in the lock and slowly opened the door.
Alice
A joint unbirthday party. Perhaps there would be tea?
From her seat on the couch, Alice heard the door open but didn't turn to look. Ghanima's comings and goings had already become second nature once more.
She was, instead, focused on the game of chess in front of her. She was playing against herself, and trying to avoid her own looming trap. She was becoming a rather shockingly aggressive player of late. She had already sacrificed far too many pawns for her liking, and since when had Alice been bothered by the loss of a pawn?
"It's hopeless," she told her not-quite-sister-in-law. "I can't see a way to win."
One would imagine that might also mean she couldn't lose, but only if she was prepared to play a rather dangerous game. Was she? She hadn't the stomach for the scorched-earth approach, of late.
Leto
He stopped on the threshold for an instant. Her voice, the shape of her on the couch - Leto couldn't stop himself. The next moment he was beside her.
"Alice?"
Perhaps someone should have reminded him that moving with that kind of speed was likely to frighten people.
Alice
There was no time to be frightened; no time to react, to think, to run away. One moment, she was noticing how oddly silent Ghanima was, and the next, there was a presence on the couch, a body against hers. One that she turned to just as he said her name.
"Leto?"
Something inside of her was crumbling. Her will, her resolve -- only now did she realize how very tired she had been, and for how very long.
He couldn't be real. He was only a mirage. She was still mad, from the dark ichor flowing through her veins. That was why his skin was so mottled. He had been infected, too. And their b--
It didn't matter. She was reaching for him, no, collapsing against him. But her arms were drawing him closer, as if he could get closer, and her face was going to bury itself against his chest while she shook.
Leto
He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, kissing her hair. The wormskin, always rejecting human touch, made him shiver, but he ignored it.
"Alice." He repeated her name. It had been too long, and yet, in this moment, Leto couldn't push away the unbearable thought of the long future he would endure without her. It was a very human thing, to cling to happiness and fear the loss of it.
His hand, slipping around her waist, had brushed against her belly, and now he wondered if that was the child moving within her that he felt as she pressed against him.
How long had it been, for her?
He pulled away a little to look at her face, not sure how to ask the question on his mind. Instead he just stated the obvious.
"You're pregnant."
Alice
Alice closed her eyes, pulling herself away from him again, reluctantly. There had been comfort, and solace, and now reality tugged at her again.
"I am," she said. "I've earned the royal We. I'm plural. 'Be fruitful and multiply,' but three's a prime and there wasn't any fruit. Eve had an apple, but that's original sin, and touching isn't a sin, no matter how many times or ways they say it is. You came to me lost, at sea, and found a resting place."
And she had missed him every moment since. That, presumably, went unsaid.
Leto
Leto didn't want to let her go, and he let his hands rest on her shoulders while taking what she was saying. He loved how meaning was always wound between her sentences, obvious and yet like a path half hidden."
"I came to you...," he said. "How long ago was that, for you?" He couldn't be sure, as the Spice had dissolved his perception of time then, and he suspected Wonderland was unpredictable in that respect too.
"The child...?" Is mine? he wanted to ask. His child, from a time when that had still been possible.
Alice
"I don't know how long," Alice said. "Time has gone a bit sideways. The months are all wrong, for those books they put out. Ghanima says that's common, because of the Spice. Another entry to the list of things I fear. If you're asking ..."
There was no delicate way to say it.
"There's only ever been you," she said, softly. "We never pledged ourselves to monogamy, but I haven't the ability to lose myself easily. I'm not saying there might not ever be anyone else, but ... there's only ever been you."
She still couldn't meet his eyes, but she could turn somewhat, letting herself rest closer to him. And she could guide one of his hands to her stomach, to allow him to understand the awe and wonder of what she was saying.
To him, this would be happy news; she wished for him to savor it fully.
Leto
He wouldn't have been angry if there had been someone else. Even if the child had been someone else's he would have tried to express happiness, even if that would have hurt.
"We made no promises," he said. "And I would not have asked you for any. But..."
He smiled as he felt a tiny kick against his hand.
"...it makes me happy." He tried to meet her eyes. "I hope you always knew that. I... It's not possible for me anymore." And he hadn't seen it. In fact, now, when he tried to look, he could see no trace of the child in his prescient vision. Like everyone from outside his universe, the baby was invisible.
Alice
She offered him a hint of a smile. "Your sister felt I had the right to know," she said, "several things which would come to pass, as they would affect my life greatly if I were determined to join my life to yours. One was that ours would be a childless union."
As if determined to make her presence known in response to that, the child kicked once more.
"I would never have kept you from her," she insisted. "I knew you would be delighted. I ..."
But. The unspoken but. The one she couldn't bring herself to say.
Leto
The words unspoken would be the answer to the questions Leto wanted to ask, but those questions mingled with anger, and he needed to tread carefully, also with himself.
"You called me, once." He let a hint of accusation slip into his voice.
Alice
"I sent you words," she said. "A moment of weakness. I smashed the phone to save myself. Spice, madness, and now there's something other inside me, too. My skin was gray when I killed the deer. I went to Charles for her. I see her only with Matilda's face. I saw you walk into a desert storm, and all the sand turned to fire. She's a usurper. If I love her, I shall lose her. I've already lost you. When I see her crib, it burns. She must be mad already. I've gone mad again. I can't love her, Leto. I can't protect her. I've failed her a hundred times. All that's left is fire."
Leto
Fear. He should have known. There would be time for his feelings later, but not now. Leto cupped his hand against her cheek.
"Alice. You are not alone in this."
Alice
It seemed, somehow, like he was coming to her from very far away.
"No," she said. "I-I have a family again."
This idea did not seem to quell her growing panic.
Leto
"Yes, you do," he replied. "One who will protect you and the child from any dangers you might face."
Alice
"Family can't protect one," Alice said. She did, however, curl back against him, if he would allow it. "It can't protect me."
She feared very much that she was lost already.
"Leto ..." She bit her lip, not sure how to ask her own question. It was one he'd hardly expect, she imagined, but it plagued her. "What if she's mad already?"
Leto
He held her close again, his fingers caressing her hair.
"Not always." He wasn't going to lie. "But why are you so sure it wont? You have a family known to be..." He smiled a little. "...not easily eliminated."
Her question made him frown a little. "Why would she be mad? And what if she was?" As Alice called the baby 'she' he'd do the same.
Alice
Because family couldn't crawl inside her head and make the world stop spinning. It couldn't repair the cracks that were already showing themselves again. She'd been out of the asylum for years; maybe out was the aberration, and not in.
"Because I am," she said, instead. "Because of Spice. Because I spent a week feral, gray-skinned and black-eyed, slave to some alien stone. Because I was in Wonderland before I realized my condition. She can't be sane after that."
Leto
"Why can't she?" he countered. "Even if she would be preborn, which I see no reason to believe, she would not be born mad. Madness comes from other sources, and even with madness, there are good and bad choices."
He kissed her hair. "Wouldn't she rather have inherited the strength of her mother who survived all this?"
Alice
"I have no strength," Alice said softly. "I never have. I'm only a pawn who pretends to be a queen at times. If you get to the end of the board, they let you pretend, but you aren't a real queen. I did what I had to survive. There's no strength in that, Leto."
Survival wasn't pretty. It was desperate, and clawing, and selfish. He might discover how much so.
She pulled his arms closer around her, as if she could hold off that conversation somehow by his presence alone. His presence. She thought she might never feel his arms around her again.
"There aren't words for how I've missed you," she murmured.
Leto
"We all what we have to survive," he said softly. "And you don't see your strength."
He always had. Now he let her pull him closer, leaning his head against hers. Since the transformation he had mostly avoided close human contact. He rarely felt the need for it, and even when he did, the new skin rejected it.
"No words," he agreed. "I thought I'd lost you."
Now it was different. This was Alice and he wanted all the closeness he could get.
Alice
"I'm ... so sorry," she said genuinely. "But you haven't lost. You've gained."
Even if he lost her again, he would gain a daughter. That meant that, no matter what transpired, Alice wasn't lying.
She closed her eyes, content to breathe in his skin. He no longer smelled like himself, exactly, but there were still traces of him. It was enough to keep visions of fire from dancing through her mind.
"Does it hurt?" she asked, a stray finger brushing against the wormskin.
(preplayed with the superfantastic awesomesauce atreideslioness and future_sandworm who rock my socks. Don't worry, Leto's going to be around for the weekend. :) NFI, but broadcast is A-OK and OOC is LOVE.)