(no subject)
I would like you all, for the time being, to consider me like the Tyra Banks of Supernatural Conventions: not nearly as talented and well-known as I think I am, but annoyingly cocky about it anyway.
With that in your mind, please read this list of do's and don'ts if you are ever lucky enough to attend a convention:
DON'T assume what you're planning on wearing for the weekend is cute. This includes all forms of wigs, deconstructed prom dresses, t-shirts advertising the very show in which the convention is held for, any/all forms of band t-shirts from the 80s, Mom jeans, vests, polyester blouses, heels higher than three inches, white hot pants, sparkly bras, etc. Consult your nearest InStyle, Vogue, or latest episode of The Hills for fashion advice... though you should ignore Heidi, unless you prefer to style yourself after a horse.
DO come up with questions to ask the guests during their panels beforehand. I realize it's difficult with people like Chad Lindberg, considering he was on screen for a collective 25 minutes, but his panel was painful. Such awkward silences in a "roomful" (used loosely, of course) of people should not even occur.
DON'T make jokes of a sexual nature in regards to Jensen while you're asking Frederic Lehne a question. Not only is it just unnecessary and makes the entire room vastly uncomfortable, but somewhere in the world Jensen Ackles is cowered in the corner and crying.
DO realize that conventions are like the first week of freshman year in college. The first couple of people you meet may promise that they're going to be your lifelong friends, but this is a lie. College typically lasts four years, so you may see them around campus every once in while, but conventions typically last two full days. Those super fun girls who sat next to you all weekend are going to go home on Sunday or Monday and you'll all fall back into fandom obscurity. Or even better, you'll go back to taking care of the children you abandoned for three days.
DON'T be a bitch. It's easy, I get that. I myself am a huge bitch, which is why I choose to write entries such as this one in particular. But don't question two girls in an elevator as to why they would possibly get pictures with Jared and Jensen together like it's positively incomprehensible. Also, do not continue to refer to said girls as "poor college students" at any point thereafter. Not only is it rude, but it happens to irritate me. As a poor college student, I am the precise demographic the show hopes to reach. Not your mid-thirties, leatherfaced ass. Should you or should you not be at home with your two cats, eating ice cream, and searching eHarmony.com?
DO calm the fuck down. I'm talking to you, Flying-Girl-at-Asylum (and anyone else who has had the uncontrollable urge to assault either one of the boys). As if old ladies who make sexual innuendos about Jensen don't scare him enough, he has to worry about people like you jumping off stairs. You could very well have ruined it for the rest of us who pay an insane amount of money to spend five hours with Jared and Jensen on a Sunday morning. Hopefully it remains that you've only fucked yourself over and neither one of them ever goes to an Asylum convention ever again. Way to go, asshole.
DON'T think, even for a second, that Jared or Jensen want to date you. I don't care how much you hate Sandy or Danneel. I can only assume that you don't know either one of them, so you really have no basis for your hatred in the first place. Regardless, there will never be a day where they spot you in the autograph line or as you come into the photo op room and they fall in love with you instantly. Remind yourself of this: You paid money to have your picture taken with them and get a few autographs. Has there ever been a moment in history in which this spawned a whirlwind romance? No. Get over yourself, please and thank you.
DO be nice to Sandy and Danneel. Sure, I've already mentioned them, but I think this point needs to be driven home with a few of you nutjobs. I don't know what the issue is with some girls having such hatred towards Danneel. Is it because you are not nearly as hot as she is? Did she sleep with your dad or something? What the hell did she do to piss you off so bad? Oh, right. Nothing. She was incredibly gracious and sweet to us when we saw her on Sunday and gladly took pictures for the few people milling about in the hallway. Same goes for Sandy. She may be the cutest, most adorable thing to ever come into this world and Jared is obviously crazy about her. Again: Sandy, not you. Danneel, not you.
DON'T discuss fanfic/Wincest while waiting lines for breakfast or in the general vicinity of Jensen. Again, he is a fragile soul and I have a weak stomach. I do not want to know what Sam and Dean are going to do at their shitty motel the night after a particularly draining hunt. Sure, discussing Dean as a power bottom can be hilarious at times, but that's about where it ends. And no, Jared and Jensen really don't care about fanfic. I'm sure that it just creeps them out, probably even more so if you are their love interest. Delusion is not sexy.
DO pick a song and dance in front of the mirror at home before testing out your moves at Jason or Steve's concerts. In fact, tape that dance while you're at it and then watch it back. There's a good chance you'll realize that you are a horrible, horrible dancer. I get that most white women lack rhythm and that is perfectly fine. I won't fault you for this. I will, however, point and laugh at you while you're getting down with your bad self at the concerts. It is not attractive. You're probably why Chad (who was sitting in the back the whole time anyway) got up and left during Steve's show.
DON'T ask stupid questions to Eric Kripke. He is cooler than you will ever be, so it's unfair to insult his intelligence/awesomeness with such fuckery.
DO make it your goal to be a creeper in the photos of other convention attendees. It is hilarious.
ETA
DO tell Jared how much you love Sandy (but only if you truly do. Do not lie to the boy). Not only will it buy you talk time with him, but you'll see the biggest and most incredible smile on his face when you do. Jared could possibly cure cancer with his smile. Consider this.
DON'T keep asking Jensen to do Blue Steel. It should be fairly obvious by his initial hesitation and making fun of the audience for their excitement over the prospect that he doesn't really want to. Instead, ask Jared. He enjoys the attention. Jensen dies a little inside.
DO get a picture like this:
With that in your mind, please read this list of do's and don'ts if you are ever lucky enough to attend a convention:
DON'T assume what you're planning on wearing for the weekend is cute. This includes all forms of wigs, deconstructed prom dresses, t-shirts advertising the very show in which the convention is held for, any/all forms of band t-shirts from the 80s, Mom jeans, vests, polyester blouses, heels higher than three inches, white hot pants, sparkly bras, etc. Consult your nearest InStyle, Vogue, or latest episode of The Hills for fashion advice... though you should ignore Heidi, unless you prefer to style yourself after a horse.
DO come up with questions to ask the guests during their panels beforehand. I realize it's difficult with people like Chad Lindberg, considering he was on screen for a collective 25 minutes, but his panel was painful. Such awkward silences in a "roomful" (used loosely, of course) of people should not even occur.
DON'T make jokes of a sexual nature in regards to Jensen while you're asking Frederic Lehne a question. Not only is it just unnecessary and makes the entire room vastly uncomfortable, but somewhere in the world Jensen Ackles is cowered in the corner and crying.
DO realize that conventions are like the first week of freshman year in college. The first couple of people you meet may promise that they're going to be your lifelong friends, but this is a lie. College typically lasts four years, so you may see them around campus every once in while, but conventions typically last two full days. Those super fun girls who sat next to you all weekend are going to go home on Sunday or Monday and you'll all fall back into fandom obscurity. Or even better, you'll go back to taking care of the children you abandoned for three days.
DON'T be a bitch. It's easy, I get that. I myself am a huge bitch, which is why I choose to write entries such as this one in particular. But don't question two girls in an elevator as to why they would possibly get pictures with Jared and Jensen together like it's positively incomprehensible. Also, do not continue to refer to said girls as "poor college students" at any point thereafter. Not only is it rude, but it happens to irritate me. As a poor college student, I am the precise demographic the show hopes to reach. Not your mid-thirties, leatherfaced ass. Should you or should you not be at home with your two cats, eating ice cream, and searching eHarmony.com?
DO calm the fuck down. I'm talking to you, Flying-Girl-at-Asylum (and anyone else who has had the uncontrollable urge to assault either one of the boys). As if old ladies who make sexual innuendos about Jensen don't scare him enough, he has to worry about people like you jumping off stairs. You could very well have ruined it for the rest of us who pay an insane amount of money to spend five hours with Jared and Jensen on a Sunday morning. Hopefully it remains that you've only fucked yourself over and neither one of them ever goes to an Asylum convention ever again. Way to go, asshole.
DON'T think, even for a second, that Jared or Jensen want to date you. I don't care how much you hate Sandy or Danneel. I can only assume that you don't know either one of them, so you really have no basis for your hatred in the first place. Regardless, there will never be a day where they spot you in the autograph line or as you come into the photo op room and they fall in love with you instantly. Remind yourself of this: You paid money to have your picture taken with them and get a few autographs. Has there ever been a moment in history in which this spawned a whirlwind romance? No. Get over yourself, please and thank you.
DO be nice to Sandy and Danneel. Sure, I've already mentioned them, but I think this point needs to be driven home with a few of you nutjobs. I don't know what the issue is with some girls having such hatred towards Danneel. Is it because you are not nearly as hot as she is? Did she sleep with your dad or something? What the hell did she do to piss you off so bad? Oh, right. Nothing. She was incredibly gracious and sweet to us when we saw her on Sunday and gladly took pictures for the few people milling about in the hallway. Same goes for Sandy. She may be the cutest, most adorable thing to ever come into this world and Jared is obviously crazy about her. Again: Sandy, not you. Danneel, not you.
DON'T discuss fanfic/Wincest while waiting lines for breakfast or in the general vicinity of Jensen. Again, he is a fragile soul and I have a weak stomach. I do not want to know what Sam and Dean are going to do at their shitty motel the night after a particularly draining hunt. Sure, discussing Dean as a power bottom can be hilarious at times, but that's about where it ends. And no, Jared and Jensen really don't care about fanfic. I'm sure that it just creeps them out, probably even more so if you are their love interest. Delusion is not sexy.
DO pick a song and dance in front of the mirror at home before testing out your moves at Jason or Steve's concerts. In fact, tape that dance while you're at it and then watch it back. There's a good chance you'll realize that you are a horrible, horrible dancer. I get that most white women lack rhythm and that is perfectly fine. I won't fault you for this. I will, however, point and laugh at you while you're getting down with your bad self at the concerts. It is not attractive. You're probably why Chad (who was sitting in the back the whole time anyway) got up and left during Steve's show.
DON'T ask stupid questions to Eric Kripke. He is cooler than you will ever be, so it's unfair to insult his intelligence/awesomeness with such fuckery.
DO make it your goal to be a creeper in the photos of other convention attendees. It is hilarious.
ETA
DO tell Jared how much you love Sandy (but only if you truly do. Do not lie to the boy). Not only will it buy you talk time with him, but you'll see the biggest and most incredible smile on his face when you do. Jared could possibly cure cancer with his smile. Consider this.
DON'T keep asking Jensen to do Blue Steel. It should be fairly obvious by his initial hesitation and making fun of the audience for their excitement over the prospect that he doesn't really want to. Instead, ask Jared. He enjoys the attention. Jensen dies a little inside.
DO get a picture like this: