the events of this weekend
well i guess i should start at the beginning. friday morning i got to work to find out that hatworld has been bought out by the genesco corporation. all of us employees were informed via e-mail and it just so happened that all of the executives and ceo's were out of town. pretty shady if you ask me. everyone started worrying about the security of their jobs and it event got me thinking quite a bit (as many small events tend to do) about my life and where i'm going and blah blah blah. i was thinking about how i want a new job anyway and how this event regarding hatworld could be a sign and the motivation i need to go ahead and start looking. then i got thinking about how i don't want another office job and ultimately i began thinking about how i don't want to end up being 60 years old and have wasted my life working stupid jobs for other people and have nothing to show for it except kids who are going to fall into the same fate. so i started daydreaming about selling everything i own except my camera, hopping a plane to some exotic foreign country, and just wander around and take pictures. since then i have re-evaluated this idea and have decided that, while it is a beautiful dream, it's probably not the best idea. however, i am still playing with the idea of drastically changing my life direction and location and all of that jazz.
after work i went to dr. baker's office to get my refernce for counseling. one of the miller twins was working as the nurse and it was kind of embarassing to tell this beautiful girl i knew from high school (turns out that i ran into a LOT of people i knew from high school this weekend) that the reason i was visiting the doctor was because of emotional problems. so anyway here is what i had hoped (and had already built up in my mind) was going to happen: i hoped that i would talk to dr. baker, he would listen to me, and he would happily reccomend me to a good therpaist who i would start seeing sometime soon. nope. he walked in and almost immediately starting talking about anti-depressants. now here is my problem with anti-depressants and this is why i got upset after leaving his office: i know myself well enough to know that while a chemical imbalance might be part of my problem i know for a fact that i have some deep-rooted psychological and behavioral issues, issues that i do not believe can be solved by stuffing pills down my throat. now this past week or so i have been really proud of myself and very excited that i am finally growing up and taking responsibility for my problems and taking steps to fix them so when he walked in and handed me a bag of paxil my heart sank to the floor. the way i see anti-depressants is that they're a way sedating myself and making me ok with my situation rather than fixing it. i want to get to be in therapy not only to fix my head but also to gain focus and direction in my life, because honestly i think that is one of the biggest issues i am going through lately (it practically dominates my thoughts). i am very lost and confused about things and i know for a fact that drugs won't help. i need guidance.
so i left his office rather upset and disappointed. it seemed like all the hope i had was shot down by a white bag full of paxil. from there i headed to my parents' house because they wanted to know what dr. baker said. i talked to them for awhile and they were very comforting. in fact they listened to everything i had to say and that was what helped more than anything. that just further convinced me that i need therapy because i need someone to listen to me, not just to tell me what to do but also to listen. i think i have a lot of insight into my own psyche and if someone would just listen to what i have to say they would be able to help me a lot better, rather than just assuming they know what the problem is. so i had an uncomfortable dinner with my mom (i didn't talk much and now i feel bad because she was probably worried about me) and left for home with seamus (he's staying with us again).
i got home and had intended to work on my homework for modern lit. but was still upset so i decided to sleep for awhile. gavin called around 8 and then he came over. this was a weird meeting because i hadn't seen gavin in awhile and i never really know where our friendship stands. i really value him as a friend and i enjoy his company but i can't ever tell if he feels the same. he said a lot of things about being lost and confused and about mental issues he was having but he said it in that gavin way so i couldn't tell if he was being serious or not. to be honest i'm quite worried about him becaus he seems very troubled and i don't know what to do. he did something so great for me though, he argued and argued with me until finally i agreed to go see a perfect circle with him. this is good because i need to get out more and evidently i need someone to force me to do it. we even decided to go out of town to see them just to be able to take a small vacation. he said he would buy the tickets saturday morning but i haven't talked to him since so who knows if he's changed his mind by now. he kept talking about how we should hang out more and start trying to meet people together. i think this would be good because gavin has super social skills and i have the desire to get some. well anyway gavin left on a weird note and then i don't remember exactly what happened between the time he left and libby arrived.
libby is a co-worker of bobby's and apparently bobby had told her that we were having people over that night. poor girl. she had to hang out with me until bobby got home. now this was a slight turning point for me and one of the things which i will be working on from here on out. i've been realizing lately that i ride some kind of fucked up high horse that makes me think i am so much better than people because apparently i think i'm so incredibly smart (now don't get me wrong i do have the potential to be very intelligent but that doesn't make me better than anyone). normally i feel this way towards bobby's friends, that i am better than them and that they are a waste of my time, but this time i decided to try and be a good person. i tried to talk with libby about things, her change of school and work etc., and i think i did a pretty good job. of course the conversation ended with her talking about going to a rolling party and shit but oh well at least i made it that far. then bobby got home and i was able to leave.
i went up to ianni's, which is the place where joe goes to play music on fridays. this was a big step for me, as stupid as it sounds. i was going to a place by myself where i didn't know anyone. well ok i knew joe but i didn't know anyone else. turns out ianni's is pretty cool. it's a little hole-in-the-wall (my favorite kind of places) with pool tables, bar games, a bar, live music, etc. and plus it's all ages. so i really i want to start getting some people together on the weekends and start hanging out there sometimes. i need to get a social life and this would be a good place to start i think.
as i headed home i was filled with the same sense of hope i had before i arrived at dr. bakers. i had made a conscious decision to be more humble and humane towards my fellow man and i had put myself in a social situation where i was scared and didnt' know anyone and i had made it out alive (even if i did only stay for like a half hour and i went to the bathroom to wash my hands like 5 times, lol). so in your face dr. baker!!!! when i got home there was a party. apparently bobby had invited people over. now talk about fucking weird, here were the people from high school who were in my apt.: matt hinton (goddamn fucking prick, i will talk about him later), nathan ricketts, clay ayres, jacquelin and stephanie metcalfe, jeff miller, and kelly burdine (wtf?>????). that was odd. everyone was hanging out in bobby's room but since i can't smoke weed or drink (due to the anti-depressants, btw it's finally an excuse to quit smoking weed) i just hung out downstairs with jeff and watched all the hot bitches on "wild on e!" well it went well until matt hinton starting being an ass and picking fights with people. then he started talkin shit to everyone, including me, and just being an all around prick. i don't why you would go to someone's house and start shit with people, especially the person who is being hospitable towards you. that guy has no respect for anyone or anything and i really never want to see him again. well around 2am someone said that don and josh (co-workers of bobby's) had left to go buy people acid (yes, lsd). i was like wtf are people going to be tripping here tonight? apparently so, though no one had bothered to tell me. well nathan ricketts had ordered up two hits of acid and when they didn't return in 10 minutes like they said they would (even though a logical-minded person would have realized that you can't go out in the ice and snow and pick up acid and return within 10 minutes) he started getting shitty. when they fianlly did return he and matt were starting shit with don and then FINALLY they left. fucking cocksuckers.
so....acid....in my house...at 2:30 in the morning. completely unexpected. now don and josh and don's gf had already taken their hits and bobby was going to take his. but bobby was supposed to be at work at 10:30d work a double and i was trying desperately to convince him not to do it. but he felt bad because veryone else had already taken theirs and if he didn't trip that night he would have to trip by himself the next night. so he took his (keep in mind this is the first time bobby has ever tripped on anything) and i took one too. i have no idea why. i don't know what posessed me to do it. i've only tripped on acid one other time and it was a horrible experience so i don't know why i did it again.
well it was a good trip for the most part. though as the night progressed i grew a strong distaste for don's presence. i can't make bobby see what i see, and that is a self-destructive bigot who is not a good influence on anyone. and of course bobby is like "well you're just seeing the wrong side of him." ok yes but that's all i need to see to know that he's not someone i want coming around. the trip was good up until a certain point. then i trainwrecked.
i'm not sure what brought it on but i think part of the problem is that acid is such a long trip. with shrooms i've never had a bad trip because it lasts half the time of acid. and with this trip the first half was good but then at some point my mind thoughts starting eating away at each other and heading on a downward spiral that ended in a complete mental and emotional breakdown. i know one of the things that got me started thinking bad was josh. here's this 17 year old kid that was already piss drunk and high as fuck and then he took 4 hits of acid and continued drinking and smoking. now i know that i worry too much, but i feel that his was something to be legitimately worried about. he hangs around high-school dropouts, his sister is a dropout, and his dad is a pothead. the poor kid doesn't have much of a future and as far as i'm concerned he never really did. so i started thinking about that and then i started thinking about all the other kids like him who are born on accident, are unwanted, and grow up without any kind of guidance or positive role models. that made me extremely depressed. i started thinking about all the little goth kids the follow what marilyn manson preaches just because they don't know any better. that pissed me off too. then i started feeling so hopeless because i had this overwhelming desire to help these children but had no clue how or where to even start. and this just started my mind on a downward spiral of negative thoughts.
now anyone that has done acid knows what your mind is like on that shit and knows that it's practically impossible to control your thoughts. and anyone who knows me knows that i think a lot about cycles and self-fulfilling prophecy (the idea that whatever future you believe you have you will live your life to fulfill that vision) so my mind kept thinking that all the events of my life (esp. the past day) and my self-fulfilling destructive prophect had all led up to this acid trip and that i was going to trainwreck. i'm not sure where the term trainwreck came from but it's a perfect description. oh ya while i'm at it, the perfect word to describe how i feel on acid is "wreeply." so anyway since i had already convinced myself this shit was going to happen it did. around 8am saturday morning i experienced an acid-induced complete mental and emotional breakdown. i was in my bed crying uncontrollably (i don't remember the last time i cried but it felt so good to cry again) and writhing in terror. for a good hour i was in a living hell because i convinced myself that i was just a fuckup and a shitload of other bad thoughts that i don't care to remember. it lasted for awhile and then finally i got ahold of myself. but not before exploding my mind all over the internet. i had already been keeping my thoughts in a text document but something posesed me to start updating my livejournal, which i did many times. and then i hopped on watmm and made some stupid fucking thread and etc. so basically i trainwrecked all over the internet. i am ashamed of myself and now i am faced with a tough decision.
well the trip ended (btw we were watching some FUCKED up shit on cartoon network. old ass hanna barbera cartoons that just blew my mind) and everyone left except for jeff. and then something unexpected happened. i started opening up to jeff and bobby. i know i bare everything in this here lj but i don't tell anyone anything in real life. it was probablt the remaining lsd in my system but i told them everything: about my breakdown, about my problems i've been going through, about how i worry about my future etc. and it felt wonderful. and they were great friends about it because they listened to everyything and even started talking about their own issues. so we spent the entire day just hanging out and talking about what we wanted to change about our lives and shit.
ok goddamn i am getting really tired of typing. there is much more i wanted to say about the trip and the trainwreck and the aftermath. i also went to take pictures at the shadeland show and ran into a bunch of ghosts from the past, which didn't bother me as much as i thought it would, but my hands are cramping up. now i must go finish my homework.