Useless
This post will probably seem a lot like I'm rambling along, because every time I try to get my thoughts together, they seem to fragment apart again...
On Saturday night I tried to get drunk in the hopes that it would allow me to let go of some of what has been building up inside me... I succeeded in getting drunk, I even succeeded in getting so drunk that I made myself sick. And it didn't help one bit.
I've had to watch my best friend, someone who has helped me through some of the worst periods of my life, bury his last parent and at the same time have to deal with his own relationship problems. And I feel like I haven't been able to help him deal with any of it.
I've had to watch other dear friends that I care for go through difficulties and challenges, and I've felt unable to do more than be there. And even then I feel more like a burden than a help.
A little over three weeks ago I watched the love of my life drive away to go on a trip to find herself. I love her so much that I have destroyed two relationships in the past that caused her pain, and one of those damaged another relationship to the point where someone I care a great deal about cannot be comfortable in my presence any longer. I also gave up a second chance on the most intense relationship I've ever had... all because I love her. There is only one thing that I have ever refused to give up for her - I refused to give up myself, I refused to abandon all that I am.
Sometime in the next week and a half after she left, She decided that what had been planned was no longer to her liking, or perhaps she had decided before she left, I don't know... All I know is that I was not informed of her decision until it was mentioned by someone else.
A week ago I had a conversation with her lady love. It started as a rather long screaming match, as for reasons I won't go into there has been some bad blood between us, but it ended up being a long and rather cordial conversation during which she told me that she did actually believe that I do honestly love my girl, and that my girl still loves me... She was going to send me her phone number (which has not happened), and she was going to talk to my love to see if she could get her to start communicating again. And while she has started posting on her LJ again, and is supposedly checking her e-mail again, she still has made no effort to contact me at all...
I love her so much that I can't seem to let go so long as there is the slightest hope, but every moment I hold on hurts so much. I wake up in the middle of the night, with part of me expecting her to be there - only to find myself completely alone. I remember seeing the love in her eyes when she looked at me, and remembering that puts a knot in my stomach because I'm afraid I'll never see it again. And I remember being able to hold her in my arms, being able to feel that in the end things would work out because no matter what I had love, and now the only hugs I get are from worried friends, and those will never be the same because I know that they don't love me like that...
The first girl I ever dated left me hanging for weeks after she had decided it was over. Looking back I'm not even sure I really loved her, but what she did left me in such pain that I was in a severe depression for over a year. I had shut down to the point that I really didn't feel anything myself. The only thing that kept me from attempting suicide at that time was the knowledge that doing something like that would hurt those I cared for. And now part of me wishes I could do that again. I wish I could go back to not feeling anything, because at least then I wouldn't feel the pain. But I can't go back there anymore, I've grown to care for too many people to simply shut them out like I would need to. And part of me wants to know why my love is doing this to me - why she has decided to just stop all contact with me.
And though I would never go courting it, because as long as there is life there is hope - and because I do care for others. If the Shadow Lover came courting me, I don't know that I would be able to turn away.
But for now, I guess the only thing I can do is try to keep living, and hope that things will get better.
On Saturday night I tried to get drunk in the hopes that it would allow me to let go of some of what has been building up inside me... I succeeded in getting drunk, I even succeeded in getting so drunk that I made myself sick. And it didn't help one bit.
I've had to watch my best friend, someone who has helped me through some of the worst periods of my life, bury his last parent and at the same time have to deal with his own relationship problems. And I feel like I haven't been able to help him deal with any of it.
I've had to watch other dear friends that I care for go through difficulties and challenges, and I've felt unable to do more than be there. And even then I feel more like a burden than a help.
A little over three weeks ago I watched the love of my life drive away to go on a trip to find herself. I love her so much that I have destroyed two relationships in the past that caused her pain, and one of those damaged another relationship to the point where someone I care a great deal about cannot be comfortable in my presence any longer. I also gave up a second chance on the most intense relationship I've ever had... all because I love her. There is only one thing that I have ever refused to give up for her - I refused to give up myself, I refused to abandon all that I am.
Sometime in the next week and a half after she left, She decided that what had been planned was no longer to her liking, or perhaps she had decided before she left, I don't know... All I know is that I was not informed of her decision until it was mentioned by someone else.
A week ago I had a conversation with her lady love. It started as a rather long screaming match, as for reasons I won't go into there has been some bad blood between us, but it ended up being a long and rather cordial conversation during which she told me that she did actually believe that I do honestly love my girl, and that my girl still loves me... She was going to send me her phone number (which has not happened), and she was going to talk to my love to see if she could get her to start communicating again. And while she has started posting on her LJ again, and is supposedly checking her e-mail again, she still has made no effort to contact me at all...
I love her so much that I can't seem to let go so long as there is the slightest hope, but every moment I hold on hurts so much. I wake up in the middle of the night, with part of me expecting her to be there - only to find myself completely alone. I remember seeing the love in her eyes when she looked at me, and remembering that puts a knot in my stomach because I'm afraid I'll never see it again. And I remember being able to hold her in my arms, being able to feel that in the end things would work out because no matter what I had love, and now the only hugs I get are from worried friends, and those will never be the same because I know that they don't love me like that...
The first girl I ever dated left me hanging for weeks after she had decided it was over. Looking back I'm not even sure I really loved her, but what she did left me in such pain that I was in a severe depression for over a year. I had shut down to the point that I really didn't feel anything myself. The only thing that kept me from attempting suicide at that time was the knowledge that doing something like that would hurt those I cared for. And now part of me wishes I could do that again. I wish I could go back to not feeling anything, because at least then I wouldn't feel the pain. But I can't go back there anymore, I've grown to care for too many people to simply shut them out like I would need to. And part of me wants to know why my love is doing this to me - why she has decided to just stop all contact with me.
And though I would never go courting it, because as long as there is life there is hope - and because I do care for others. If the Shadow Lover came courting me, I don't know that I would be able to turn away.
But for now, I guess the only thing I can do is try to keep living, and hope that things will get better.