(no subject)
I am such an idiot...
okay, so erica, I get it now. my life is a complete fraud. i thought I knew what i was doing, and why I was doing it, but I don't. I really have no idea why I run myself into the ground. maybe so I wont' ahve to think about important stuff, i dunno.... There is really no point to volunteering... it's not like I'm actually helping anyone, just sitting on a fucking stool and pushign buttons and smiling. a friggin monkey could do that. tutoring is pointless.... especially since I seem to be seriously lacking tutees... the only things that I thought were important were band and music. but it isn't. I WANT to be a music teacher, but I realise now that that's an unrealistic dream. okay, going to band 5 times a week is just going to kill me. I'm going to go from having band a lot to pretty much no band at all after high school and it's going to eat me up from the inside. so why don't I just quit and get used to it now... haha. yeah right. so here I am, adding to my bagillian and one things I'm doing, by adding in piano, voice and theory lessons. why? becasue I'm still holding on to the pointless dream of getting into music school. not fucking likely. there's no way in hell I'm gonna get accepted. it's just a fact of life. I can't sing ro play piano, i don't know theory and I can barely play the clarinet. so my backup plan is a joint physics and math degree.... goody. I'm not going to be happy. I've lived the last 5 years, so sure of what I was doing, of who I was going to be.... now I'm back to square one. i kept telling myself for the past couple fo years, that I'd do all this extra-curricular stuff and everything, so that when it came to now, i'd be all set for scholarships and stuff. well, so much for that. I've decided that I'm not even going to apply for any scholarships this year. I have mediocre marks, some extra-curricular, but no sports, and they always want "well rounded" students. It doesn't matter that I work my ass off at school, on the newspaper, the yearbook, or that I'm in 3 bands, and math club or that I tutor and volunteer. cause I've never played basketball! must mean I'm not a good enough student for a scholarship... so why even bother? and no matter what i choose to do, my parents will "stand by me" and all that shit. but they won't truly be happy unless i go into law or engineering or medicine. 3 fields I wouldn't be caught dead in... yesterday, we didn't do anything cause there's only a few of us that are finsihed our exams, so I sat at my computer, listening to music, and playing tetris. thinking. I hate thinking. the reason I'm always planning stuff is that I hate not having anything to do. too much thinking involved. so in case you're all wondering, no I don't have it all together, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now or in the future... and yes, erica, you were right all along.
well, sorry for that bit of nonesnse ramblings... damn thinking... it's not a good thing I tell you!
anyways, audition today... yay.
okay, so erica, I get it now. my life is a complete fraud. i thought I knew what i was doing, and why I was doing it, but I don't. I really have no idea why I run myself into the ground. maybe so I wont' ahve to think about important stuff, i dunno.... There is really no point to volunteering... it's not like I'm actually helping anyone, just sitting on a fucking stool and pushign buttons and smiling. a friggin monkey could do that. tutoring is pointless.... especially since I seem to be seriously lacking tutees... the only things that I thought were important were band and music. but it isn't. I WANT to be a music teacher, but I realise now that that's an unrealistic dream. okay, going to band 5 times a week is just going to kill me. I'm going to go from having band a lot to pretty much no band at all after high school and it's going to eat me up from the inside. so why don't I just quit and get used to it now... haha. yeah right. so here I am, adding to my bagillian and one things I'm doing, by adding in piano, voice and theory lessons. why? becasue I'm still holding on to the pointless dream of getting into music school. not fucking likely. there's no way in hell I'm gonna get accepted. it's just a fact of life. I can't sing ro play piano, i don't know theory and I can barely play the clarinet. so my backup plan is a joint physics and math degree.... goody. I'm not going to be happy. I've lived the last 5 years, so sure of what I was doing, of who I was going to be.... now I'm back to square one. i kept telling myself for the past couple fo years, that I'd do all this extra-curricular stuff and everything, so that when it came to now, i'd be all set for scholarships and stuff. well, so much for that. I've decided that I'm not even going to apply for any scholarships this year. I have mediocre marks, some extra-curricular, but no sports, and they always want "well rounded" students. It doesn't matter that I work my ass off at school, on the newspaper, the yearbook, or that I'm in 3 bands, and math club or that I tutor and volunteer. cause I've never played basketball! must mean I'm not a good enough student for a scholarship... so why even bother? and no matter what i choose to do, my parents will "stand by me" and all that shit. but they won't truly be happy unless i go into law or engineering or medicine. 3 fields I wouldn't be caught dead in... yesterday, we didn't do anything cause there's only a few of us that are finsihed our exams, so I sat at my computer, listening to music, and playing tetris. thinking. I hate thinking. the reason I'm always planning stuff is that I hate not having anything to do. too much thinking involved. so in case you're all wondering, no I don't have it all together, no, I don't know what I'm going to do with my life now or in the future... and yes, erica, you were right all along.
well, sorry for that bit of nonesnse ramblings... damn thinking... it's not a good thing I tell you!
anyways, audition today... yay.