4. Patterns

[nuages]

When I think about all of the sorrow that could be avoided by simply being aware of one's position in this world, it makes me a little discouraged. What we long for-what I long for-is to find a small piece of eternity in love, a small piece of something that no man, not even we ourselves, can destroy. All of the trial-and-error makes me very tired

Comments

[spuzbal]

Have you ever read Thomas Mann? A lot of what you wrote just now reminds me, to varying degrees, of his stuff.

[nuages]

No, I haven't, but thank you for the recommendation. I need new reading material. How are you, by the way. And why don't I talk to you more?

[spuzbal]

You're welcome. A good place to start might be a collection of his shorter works, like Tonio Kröger and Death in Venice, though the behemoth The Magic Mountain is generally considered his best work. Fact: In a Thomas Mann course at my school, the grad students read The Magic Mountain in German, but we undergrads were allowed to read it in English. The English translation was 800 pages, and the original German was 1,000, because it takes 20% longer to say anything in German, haha.

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well. It's nice to be home for the summer and able to go to a church where I feel comfortable (read: a liberal church, which seems to be a rarity even in California, oddly enough). I'm not doing much of terrible interest, just reading, trying to learn guitar, working, going to summer school, and hoping I can find an apartment for next semester.

And we should talk more, you're right.

[lager_jager]

Things will get better. Trial and error is sometimes the best way there is, but it needs to be well thought out. In terms of getting over people, that takes time, and sometimes a lot of time. If this was your first really serious relationship especially. I know it took me several years to get over the first woman I ever loved. Love isnt something that can be forced or willed to occur. It'l work out if you keep your mind open to people and dont be afraid to go after what you want. The great thing about love is that you only really need it to work once. And once it does, a lot of the rest will be easier.

[nuages]

Hey, thanks a lot for your response. It's nice to have someone I don't know say something incredibly accurate and insightful. Most of the posts on this journal are made when I'm having really bad feelings about things and need a place to sort them out. I'm usually not this negative. A lot of good things came out of my break up, mostly giving me perspective I didn't have when I was with him. Also, it forced me to be on my own, which has helped me more than I ever imagined.

Hey, are you the guy I sat next to at IHOP on Rachel's birthday? If not, please forgive the ridiculous question.

[lager_jager]

yep, thats me.

[nuages]

Yeah, I figured. You need to post in your journal, you ratbastard. Post nazi propaganda if you can't think of anything else. You know, I'm Aryan. That gets me places in this sucknut world.

What you are looking for you may have already found.

[msblackandwhite]

I enjoy your blog a great deal and I wanted to comment somewhere, and so I decided to comment here. I've spent so much of my life wondering why want I wanted I never had. I'm bold, confident, and believed for so long that I deserved to take whatever I wanted. I felt I had failed when I never had it. The dearest person in my life told me that happiness is a disappointment, because it is dependent on situations. Joy, however, is the feeling of satisfaction regardless of circumstances. When you chose to be joyful, to remove your focus from the things you don't have, you begin to love the things that you do have. The fulfillment in stillness is because what you long for you probably already have; it is simply not as you expect it to be.

I hope this does not come across as pompous. I'm enjoying living your emotions vicariously through your excellent posts.

Re: What you are looking for you may have already found.

[nuages]

I just found out who you are. Andey's gal pal. Yes, you have just been added. That's right. Mhmmm.