I found the scripts I had written for my theatre class they are pretty funny
I actually found them in post dated November 3rd, 2004 here they are and a sound bite from the second one
Cheese-nips
Setting: A high school hallway in the locker area. During passing period.
Setup
Twohigh school seniors went out on a date the past weekend. They wentbowling with a few friends. The lead character David realized a mistakehe made that night and attempts to explain himself to Becky, the younggirl he was pimping that evening.
Characters
David: A young looking senior who gets nervous when expressing himself to girls.
Becky: A popular senior who is completely oblivious to anything outside of herself.
Ryan: The best friend of David.
Scene i
Ryan: Hey, what’s up dude? (Gives low five)
David: Ah nothing. Damn, fuckin’, Spanish teacher got all pissed off at me last period.
Ryan: Ha-ha. Why?
David:Cause I was sleeping on my book and I had the cover closed over myhead. And she came up and opened the book. I just looked at her allstupid and I was like I’m reading bitch, leave me alone.
Ryan: (shocked) For real?
David: Nah. Anyway she said with your eyes closed? And I was just like I’m superman bitch deal with it.
Ryan: Really.
David: No.
Ryan: What your teacher do?
David: She made me stand in the corner.
Ryan: Damn really?
David: No I’m kidding again. She just got all pissy but then, she whispered that I was a piss ant.
Ryan: You are a piss ant.
David: Dude.
Ryan: I’m just kidding. So anyway, how are things with the Becky? Have you talked to her today?
David: No, not yet, but dude I was thinking(pause) Remember what we put her name as when we went bowling?
Ryan: (laughing) Yeah, Cheese-nips. Why?
David:Well I got to thinking, and I remember she kind of made a weird facewhen we did that. I think she may have thought we were referring to hernipples and not the snack.
Ryan: Oh shit, you might be right.
David: I don’t really know what to do. Should I try to explain it to her?
Ryan:Yeah you should, just be all like I meant in no way to say that yournipples resembled cheese or are cheesy in anyway. But I was insteadreferring to the delicious delectable snack. So be happy, because weall think your nipples are delicious and delectable.
David: (laughing) That’s ridiculous. I’d never be able to say that. But I think it goes a little deeper than that.
Ryan: What do you mean?
David:Well, I think she may actually have cheesy nipples. Cause dude, thatface she made was like she thought I was reading her mind.
Ryan: (shocked) Dude?!, I think you’re right.
David: Yeah, I can’t believe I found out about her cheesy nipples.
Ryan: That’s so gross. Well I gotta get to class.
David: Alright then. Peace
(Enter Becky)
Becky: Hey Daveed (Spanish form) (gives a hug)
David: Hey there Cheesy, (fast change) I mean Becky. Shit!
Becky: What are you shitting about?
David: Did you hear what I said?
Becky: Yeah you said shit.
David: K, good.
Becky: What?
David: Nothing. Anyways did you have fun the other night?
Becky: Yeah, but you could have let me win. I hate you.
David: Ouch. I wasn’t trying to beat you but you suck really bad.
Becky: Jeese, I was just kidding, take a joke David. You’re pretty good at bowling.
David. I’m not, I was just getting lucky. Um…Don’t knock out my teeth or anything but can I ask you a question?
Becky: Sure, go ahead. I wouldn’t do that.
David: (pause) I wanted to say I’m sorry you have cheesy nipples.
Becky: (Surprised) What do you mean?
David:It’s ok. I know its true, cause when I typed it you had this look onyour face like I knew that you did. Its ok your secret’s safe with mecause, I only told Ryan.
Becky: You bastard! I can’t believe you did that. He has the biggest mouth in the school.
David: So you do have cheesy nipples?
Becky: Yeah, but I didn’t want everyone to know (crying now) I’ve had a lactating problem since I was born.
David: Um… (Backs away) That’s actually kind of gross.
Becky: Now everyone will know.
David: Nah, it’ll be ok.
Becky: You sure?
David: Yeah, trust me. No one will ever know.
Becky: Just as long as no one knows I’m not mad at you.
David: Here, let me walk you back to class
(As they were walking down the hallway suddenly they stop)
Becky: David?
David: Yeah Becky? (a little frightened)
Becky: (Screaming and crying) How come ever locker has a picture of me on it, with cheese-nips on my chest?
David: (Scared) Oh it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.
Becky: (Really pissed) What did you do?!
David: Oh look at the time, gotta go.
Becky: David, I’m sorry (Gets psychotic look in eye) but your bitch-ass is going down.
David: Crap ………this is weak dude.
Here's the second. It was much harder than the first because I had towrite two opposing opinions and have them debate. I didnt do a verygood job at that. But here's the scripts anyway.
Setting: The set of a new McDonalds I’m Lovin’ It commercial.
Setup
Out with Justin Timberlake, Christopher Walken is now the new spokesperson of the new McDonald’s I’m Lovin’ It commercials.
Characters
Christopher Walken
Director
Scene i
Director: Where is Chris? Tell him it’s time for him to go on.
Walken: Bada, dada, da I’m Lovin’ It. What is this? It’s madness
Director: Are you ready?
Walken: Yeah, but this song, it’s crazy. I don’t understand. You’re torturing your audience.
Director: What do you mean? These new I’m Lovin’ It commercials are hip and appeal to our younger audience.
Walken:Look, ma’am, I may be old, but I think I know the difference, betweenwhat’s appealing to an audience and what’s not. And this, is not.
Director: You have no idea what you are talking about, just do what you’re being paid for and read the lines. Okay?
Walken: I don’t like your tone. It’s all wrong. You do it again, and I’ll stab you in the face, with a soldering iron.
Director: Oh My God!
Walken: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper. Can I offer you some champagne? The bubbles almost say yes for you.
Director: No, I’m fine. Let’s just get on with the shoot please.
Walken: Have it your way.
Director: Cue the music, ACTION!
(Music Plays)
Walken: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there’s something missing. The song, it’s incomplete. It needs something, it needs, more cowbell.
Director: The song is fine just the way it is. There is no cowbell necessary. Just do your lines.
Walken: I’m telling you. You’re gonna want that cowbell.
Director: Chris, will you please just say your lines.
Walken: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is, More Cowbell!
Director: Okay, I’ll see what I can do, but for now, let’s just have the song as is.
Walken: You know, I play cowbell. I can get it, and we can record Now if you like.
Director: You don’t play the cowbell Mr. Walken.
Walken:Back when I was a boy. My mother, used to play me to sleep with thatcowbell. Whenever I hear it, the sound just touches my heart.
Director: That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Walken: Well that can’t be true, because you heard the McDonald’s song playing earlier.
Director: This conversation needs to end. Let’s just finish this commercial.
Walken: (shrugs) if we must.
(Music Plays)
Walken:These new Chicken Selects are amazing. I tell you, if you even comeclose to my, chicken selects. I’ll remove each of your limbs, and mailthem, to your family. Then, I’ll gouge out your eyeballs, and removeyour tongue. So you’ll be unable to speak or taste Chicken Selects. ButI’ll leave your ears, so you can hear the crunching of my ChickenSelects…
Director: CUT! What the hell is wrong with you!
Walken: What? I thought I’d add a little. It seemed a little weak.
Director: You’re insane. These lines are fine as they are. They don’t need to be embellished.
Walken:Insane, is such a harsh word, I wouldn’t say that I’m insane. Maybe alittle crazy, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the crown royal, but I don’tthink so, I think it’s your beauty.
Director: I’m sorry?
Walken: You know, I’ve never quite seen a woman as immaculate as you. My heart sinks, as you speak your golden words.
Director: Well that’s quite flattering, but if you could, please just continue with the commercial.
Walken:I don’t really see the point, when we have someone as beautiful as you,behind the camera. This commercial is awful anyway.
Director:I resent that. I find these I’m Lovin’ It commercials rather amusing,and I put my own artistic touch to each and everyone.
Walken: Well, in that case they are fabulous, let’s celebrate this occasion with a glass of champagne.
Director: Not on the job, but maybe later.
Walken: I see my words are finally beginning to win you over. I will of course, remind you later.
Director: That’s fine, now let’s try this again. ACTION!
Walken:You know, when I take a bite of my chicken selects, it fills my mouthwith joy. And the only thing I can do is (sings) You delicious chickenselect, You make me most erect, for it’s you, that I select, I rub yourgrease all over my body, You give me ideas that are oh so naughty.
Director: CUT!
Walken: What? That was good. I was really feeling it that time.
Director: What makes you think you can say things like that in a McDonald’s commercial?
Walken: I don’t see why not. It seemed fitting.
Director: I don’t think you really understand what we are going for here.
Walken:Actually I do, and I don’t like it. It seems to me, that what you aregoing for is crap. And that’s just something I can’t do. I tried itonce, but I couldn’t get over the smell.
Director: Man, that Justin Timberlake was gay, but at least he could shoot a damn commercial.
Walken: Justin Timberlake, he’s good. But, not much of dancer, if I must say. He could really use some pointers.
Director: He’s an amazing dancer. What he does is so much better than your lame tap dancing crap.
Walken: Hey, can your mother sew?
Director: What?
Walken: POW! Have her sew that!
http://clarklab.net/up/data/walken.mp3
Cheese-nips
Setting: A high school hallway in the locker area. During passing period.
Setup
Twohigh school seniors went out on a date the past weekend. They wentbowling with a few friends. The lead character David realized a mistakehe made that night and attempts to explain himself to Becky, the younggirl he was pimping that evening.
Characters
David: A young looking senior who gets nervous when expressing himself to girls.
Becky: A popular senior who is completely oblivious to anything outside of herself.
Ryan: The best friend of David.
Scene i
Ryan: Hey, what’s up dude? (Gives low five)
David: Ah nothing. Damn, fuckin’, Spanish teacher got all pissed off at me last period.
Ryan: Ha-ha. Why?
David:Cause I was sleeping on my book and I had the cover closed over myhead. And she came up and opened the book. I just looked at her allstupid and I was like I’m reading bitch, leave me alone.
Ryan: (shocked) For real?
David: Nah. Anyway she said with your eyes closed? And I was just like I’m superman bitch deal with it.
Ryan: Really.
David: No.
Ryan: What your teacher do?
David: She made me stand in the corner.
Ryan: Damn really?
David: No I’m kidding again. She just got all pissy but then, she whispered that I was a piss ant.
Ryan: You are a piss ant.
David: Dude.
Ryan: I’m just kidding. So anyway, how are things with the Becky? Have you talked to her today?
David: No, not yet, but dude I was thinking(pause) Remember what we put her name as when we went bowling?
Ryan: (laughing) Yeah, Cheese-nips. Why?
David:Well I got to thinking, and I remember she kind of made a weird facewhen we did that. I think she may have thought we were referring to hernipples and not the snack.
Ryan: Oh shit, you might be right.
David: I don’t really know what to do. Should I try to explain it to her?
Ryan:Yeah you should, just be all like I meant in no way to say that yournipples resembled cheese or are cheesy in anyway. But I was insteadreferring to the delicious delectable snack. So be happy, because weall think your nipples are delicious and delectable.
David: (laughing) That’s ridiculous. I’d never be able to say that. But I think it goes a little deeper than that.
Ryan: What do you mean?
David:Well, I think she may actually have cheesy nipples. Cause dude, thatface she made was like she thought I was reading her mind.
Ryan: (shocked) Dude?!, I think you’re right.
David: Yeah, I can’t believe I found out about her cheesy nipples.
Ryan: That’s so gross. Well I gotta get to class.
David: Alright then. Peace
(Enter Becky)
Becky: Hey Daveed (Spanish form) (gives a hug)
David: Hey there Cheesy, (fast change) I mean Becky. Shit!
Becky: What are you shitting about?
David: Did you hear what I said?
Becky: Yeah you said shit.
David: K, good.
Becky: What?
David: Nothing. Anyways did you have fun the other night?
Becky: Yeah, but you could have let me win. I hate you.
David: Ouch. I wasn’t trying to beat you but you suck really bad.
Becky: Jeese, I was just kidding, take a joke David. You’re pretty good at bowling.
David. I’m not, I was just getting lucky. Um…Don’t knock out my teeth or anything but can I ask you a question?
Becky: Sure, go ahead. I wouldn’t do that.
David: (pause) I wanted to say I’m sorry you have cheesy nipples.
Becky: (Surprised) What do you mean?
David:It’s ok. I know its true, cause when I typed it you had this look onyour face like I knew that you did. Its ok your secret’s safe with mecause, I only told Ryan.
Becky: You bastard! I can’t believe you did that. He has the biggest mouth in the school.
David: So you do have cheesy nipples?
Becky: Yeah, but I didn’t want everyone to know (crying now) I’ve had a lactating problem since I was born.
David: Um… (Backs away) That’s actually kind of gross.
Becky: Now everyone will know.
David: Nah, it’ll be ok.
Becky: You sure?
David: Yeah, trust me. No one will ever know.
Becky: Just as long as no one knows I’m not mad at you.
David: Here, let me walk you back to class
(As they were walking down the hallway suddenly they stop)
Becky: David?
David: Yeah Becky? (a little frightened)
Becky: (Screaming and crying) How come ever locker has a picture of me on it, with cheese-nips on my chest?
David: (Scared) Oh it’s nothing, don’t worry about it.
Becky: (Really pissed) What did you do?!
David: Oh look at the time, gotta go.
Becky: David, I’m sorry (Gets psychotic look in eye) but your bitch-ass is going down.
David: Crap ………this is weak dude.
Here's the second. It was much harder than the first because I had towrite two opposing opinions and have them debate. I didnt do a verygood job at that. But here's the scripts anyway.
Setting: The set of a new McDonalds I’m Lovin’ It commercial.
Setup
Out with Justin Timberlake, Christopher Walken is now the new spokesperson of the new McDonald’s I’m Lovin’ It commercials.
Characters
Christopher Walken
Director
Scene i
Director: Where is Chris? Tell him it’s time for him to go on.
Walken: Bada, dada, da I’m Lovin’ It. What is this? It’s madness
Director: Are you ready?
Walken: Yeah, but this song, it’s crazy. I don’t understand. You’re torturing your audience.
Director: What do you mean? These new I’m Lovin’ It commercials are hip and appeal to our younger audience.
Walken:Look, ma’am, I may be old, but I think I know the difference, betweenwhat’s appealing to an audience and what’s not. And this, is not.
Director: You have no idea what you are talking about, just do what you’re being paid for and read the lines. Okay?
Walken: I don’t like your tone. It’s all wrong. You do it again, and I’ll stab you in the face, with a soldering iron.
Director: Oh My God!
Walken: I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lose my temper. Can I offer you some champagne? The bubbles almost say yes for you.
Director: No, I’m fine. Let’s just get on with the shoot please.
Walken: Have it your way.
Director: Cue the music, ACTION!
(Music Plays)
Walken: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there’s something missing. The song, it’s incomplete. It needs something, it needs, more cowbell.
Director: The song is fine just the way it is. There is no cowbell necessary. Just do your lines.
Walken: I’m telling you. You’re gonna want that cowbell.
Director: Chris, will you please just say your lines.
Walken: Guess what? I got a fever! And the only prescription is, More Cowbell!
Director: Okay, I’ll see what I can do, but for now, let’s just have the song as is.
Walken: You know, I play cowbell. I can get it, and we can record Now if you like.
Director: You don’t play the cowbell Mr. Walken.
Walken:Back when I was a boy. My mother, used to play me to sleep with thatcowbell. Whenever I hear it, the sound just touches my heart.
Director: That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard.
Walken: Well that can’t be true, because you heard the McDonald’s song playing earlier.
Director: This conversation needs to end. Let’s just finish this commercial.
Walken: (shrugs) if we must.
(Music Plays)
Walken:These new Chicken Selects are amazing. I tell you, if you even comeclose to my, chicken selects. I’ll remove each of your limbs, and mailthem, to your family. Then, I’ll gouge out your eyeballs, and removeyour tongue. So you’ll be unable to speak or taste Chicken Selects. ButI’ll leave your ears, so you can hear the crunching of my ChickenSelects…
Director: CUT! What the hell is wrong with you!
Walken: What? I thought I’d add a little. It seemed a little weak.
Director: You’re insane. These lines are fine as they are. They don’t need to be embellished.
Walken:Insane, is such a harsh word, I wouldn’t say that I’m insane. Maybe alittle crazy, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the crown royal, but I don’tthink so, I think it’s your beauty.
Director: I’m sorry?
Walken: You know, I’ve never quite seen a woman as immaculate as you. My heart sinks, as you speak your golden words.
Director: Well that’s quite flattering, but if you could, please just continue with the commercial.
Walken:I don’t really see the point, when we have someone as beautiful as you,behind the camera. This commercial is awful anyway.
Director:I resent that. I find these I’m Lovin’ It commercials rather amusing,and I put my own artistic touch to each and everyone.
Walken: Well, in that case they are fabulous, let’s celebrate this occasion with a glass of champagne.
Director: Not on the job, but maybe later.
Walken: I see my words are finally beginning to win you over. I will of course, remind you later.
Director: That’s fine, now let’s try this again. ACTION!
Walken:You know, when I take a bite of my chicken selects, it fills my mouthwith joy. And the only thing I can do is (sings) You delicious chickenselect, You make me most erect, for it’s you, that I select, I rub yourgrease all over my body, You give me ideas that are oh so naughty.
Director: CUT!
Walken: What? That was good. I was really feeling it that time.
Director: What makes you think you can say things like that in a McDonald’s commercial?
Walken: I don’t see why not. It seemed fitting.
Director: I don’t think you really understand what we are going for here.
Walken:Actually I do, and I don’t like it. It seems to me, that what you aregoing for is crap. And that’s just something I can’t do. I tried itonce, but I couldn’t get over the smell.
Director: Man, that Justin Timberlake was gay, but at least he could shoot a damn commercial.
Walken: Justin Timberlake, he’s good. But, not much of dancer, if I must say. He could really use some pointers.
Director: He’s an amazing dancer. What he does is so much better than your lame tap dancing crap.
Walken: Hey, can your mother sew?
Director: What?
Walken: POW! Have her sew that!
http://clarklab.net/up/data/walken.mp3