Loves complicated, being in love isnt - Chapter 5
Loves complicated, being in love isnt - Chapter 5
Authors Notes: This is my first ever fanfic so please be nice. The basic idea of this fic is that it follows the storyline the way that it has been played out on screen, but I will just be showing it from Sians P.O.V and maybe sometimes Sophies P.O.V Sorry about any spelling mistakes.
Sorry I havent updated in a while, life kinda got in the way lol ;) Hopefully i will manage to update abit sooner next time, anyway this chapters abit longer to make up for me being a div and forgetting to update!
To: xSophx - 'Please forgive me, give me a chance to explain, I know I dont deserve it but please just one last chance xxx'
My finger hovers over the send button. I stand there trying to build up enough will power to push one dam button, flamin hell im so pathetic. My hands now moved to the delete button. That option seems so much better to me, its easy to press, requires no effort atall. Without fully thinking about what im doing I press the delete button. My world instantly stops for a second. All thats going through my mind is 'dam Sian you always choose the easy option' Look where thats got me alone, sad and ive lost the only person ive ever loved. Great nice one Sian, your a real genius sometimes. I roll my eyes at my own thoughts. I really need to stop talking to myself. I used to tell Soph everything, now I have....no one. I dont even know why I deleted that text. Yes you do! Great now im even argueing with myself. The problem is sending that text would be like me finaly admitting my true feelings. That scares me, everything would become so real and uncontrolable. Thats the problem with love, you have no control over it. Im letting my need for acceptance overule my need for Sophie. I honestly dont know how long I can carry on like this, but I have to. My parents wouldnt understand, they wouldnt see that Sophie makes my life worth living, she is my reason to breathe, she makes my whole world stop with just a single smile, I love her and i cant imagine not loving her and I dont want to. But my parents wouldnt see it like that, because to them my love for someone will always be less significant than the fact the love of my life is a girl. I dont think I can face my parents rejection. What about Soph's parents? It would be selfish of me to put her through all that hurt and possible rejection just for me.
------xS&Sx------
Im broken from my thoughts by my phone vibrating. I must of been sat argueing with myelf for the last few hours. I really need to try and regain some of my sanity back. I feel the smile spread across my face as I realise its from Sophie.
From: xSophx - 'Im sorry, please can we just talk, I just want us to be friends again. I miss you xx'
'Friends' In one single moment she's managed to give me hope then bring me crashing back down to reality. She regrets it, I knew she would. But she made the first move...maybe she thought its what i wanted, maybe she just felt sorry for a loser like me. This is so confusing! I keep telling myself its for the best, I knew she wouldnt feel the same. She's to amazing to be with someone as boring and ordinary as me. Im not good enough for her, truth is ive known this from the start. I convinced myself I could be good enough for her, but im just not. I dont blame her for not wanting me, im just...me...and that will never be enough, she deserves so much more. I dont blame her for regretting the kiss, I guess I should of expected it, that doesnt make the pain go away though does it.
------xS&Sx------
Somehow ive ended up standing face to face with the girl that owns my heart. Shes come to see me, she must not completely hate me then. She shuffles past me awkwardly and I curse myself for making her feel so awkward around me. I just want to show her how much she means to me, how much I want and need her. Just to breathe in her scent one last time. But nows not really an appropriate time to practically throw myself at her.
------xS&Sx------
My heads spinning. I cant concentrate. Shes in my kitchen, trying to explain her actions to me. This so wrong, I should be the one explaining. But all I can do is move myself further away from her. Like the distance will some how stop her from crushing me, and leaving my heart in tiny shattered pieces. So many thoughts are going through my mind. She doesnt seem to regret it. Well obviously she does because she believes shes ruined our friendship, but she doesnt seem to be denying the feelings she has for me. Shes not exactly shouting she loves my either, but I wouldnt expect that, she must be so confused and scared and all I can do is act like its all her fault. Im being so cold towards her, I dont want to but its something Ive always done when im scared of being hurt. God no! Shes backing me into a corner. What am I supposed to do now? if she gets any closer I think I may crumble and tell her everything. Think Sian think!! " We're not friends, and we're nothing else either" OH-MY-GOD Sian! did you actually just say that, Im such a div! My minds in overdrive its feels like it may implode at any moment. What should I do? I cant take it all back because I would look like an idiot and would only further add to Sophies confussion. Without even thinking I ask her to leave. The sadness in her eyes at that moment is almost enough to break me, but I have to stay strong. I need to come to terms with all of this before I even think of getting Soph involved in the mess that is my life. But shes already involved! I hear the door slowly shut, it seems symbolic, like ive just shut the only person I care about out of my life. Im left all alone, the silence hits me as I collapse onto the floor. I bury my head in my knees, finally letting all my bottled up emotions out. As the tears flow down my face all I can do is continue to shut the world out, and try and live as only half a person. I cant and wont let Sophie in, she has the power to make or break me, and thats what I fear the most, what she chooses to do with that power.
------xS&Sx------
The thing about love is you never know how it will affect you. Me well thats easy, it screws my life up. I wont let the same happen to Sophie. I cant and wont put her through the pain, ridicule, constant questioning, people saying its just a phase. She deserves so much more. She deserves 'normal' but love is normal. She should be able to make her own decisions, I need to stop making them for her. Im only trying to protect her, but in reality all im doing is causing her more pain and heartache. I am my own worst enemy half the bloody time! Its only now sat here all alone that I realise she needs me just as much as I need her. All the problems we will face will be worth it if it means I can hold her, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. Im not going to mess it up again. I have to tell her how I feel, how scared I am and how much I need her. I just hope she gives me another chance. I dont know what I will do if she rejects me. But im willing to take that risk, shes worth it. I cant hurt more than I already am, thats not possible.
Sorry its rubbish, Im not exactly feeling 100% but needed to update because im not to sure when i can update next and my mate threatened to break my leg if i didnt update lol :P