(( casting off ))
I find it funny that whenever I essay on Tomo, it's always about like--what she's doing atm in camp, what her various actions mean, why I did this and what in canon did I feel supported it?, etc. And when I essay on Chisame, it's always about my own OOC relationship with my own character. V. META GUYS. Maybe it's because I've had her so long and she's taken so much abuse from camp and canon and ME.
I mentioned in the SERIOUS POLL about meta-relationships that the ChiChi essay was something that was--a small part of a large essay about a lot of things. Mainly, it's about what canon did to Chisame (which sounds like DC COMICS BAD when I word it that way, but it's actually a very good thing that makes me happy) and what I had to to do her in camp and why, and how that affects how I look at camp things right now that are remnants of old!Chisame. ChiChi as a relationship is one of those things. AND YET I STILL SHIP IT |D Because the present fact of it still works. The past of it doesn't, but it did at the time.
IS THAT CONFUSING ENOUGH
I have to start at the beginning, despite the fact that I have another essay that starts the same way. |D
I apped Chisame in May 2005 and I was taking her--after some adjustment which took a month or so--from around volume 5 of Negima!. To put that in perspective, we're now about two chapters into volume 18. I could have frozen her where she was, but I'm retarded and didn't want to do that for reasons I'll get to in a minute. |D
The thing is that essay was written after chapter 138, and we've just gotten 162. And I've reread and reexamined and those 25 or so chapters have been the most intense and eventful in the series. For the plot in general, but also for Chisame as a character. And a lot has come out, a lot has happened to her, she's said a lot of things, especially since chapter 150 or so. And it made me face her and re-examine her closely. When I wrote that essay, I felt that the manga and my own camp STUFF had developed her along similar paths; since then it's come out that that's not at all true. Externally, casually, the two characters were similar, but . . .
Anyway. To start SLIGHTLY AFTER THE BEGINNING. XD Back in volume 5, when I apped her, here's what we knew about Chisame: she was twitchy, had low self-esteem, was obsessive, self-serving, uncomfortable, anti-social, cranky, yet somewhat drawn to the insanity despite herself--all things I've essayed on before. And then she disappeared for 6 volumes, and that was what I had to work with. She was a minor character who chose to isolate herself from others but showed signs of wanting more, and of being unable to help herself when it came to participation in things sometimes.
In camp . . . Chisame followed a path of being broken down heavily. She had a LOT of her world view smashed to bits by people like Mello and Near and Chizuru and--everyone else she interacted with. She was dragged down pretty much as far as a person can go over the months. She was forced to confront herself and her feelings and the reality of magic and the supernatural, and accept them, and work through them, and become jaded to them. She needed the emotional support of Chizuru and all her friends, and it was through them that she learned to accept things. She was happy in camp and didn't want to leave it because even though it's a horrible place, she had people she loved and needed here and she was afraid of moving on without them when they'd helped her through so much, and of reverting to the way she had once been.
That, I think is--a path that canon could have taken. That's why I went that route in camp. Circumstances facilitated it and what little we knew of her in canon supported it as a possible reaction. I never really felt I was OOC. Taking her away from canon, yes, but that was just how it worked out. It felt logical and natural that things should happen to her in that way.
CFUD!Chisame was a weak person at heart. She didn't have the inner strength to deal with things, and so she learned to accept help from others, and from there she learned to stand on her own two feet. Sort of. And to accept the world around her, no matter what it threw at her. She became stronger.
Then chapters 121-162 happened in canon.
Here's what happened in canon. Chisame had the world of magic revealed to her. Rather, she figured it out on her own. And she--both accepted and rejected it. She slowly came to accept that it existed, but she did not like it, and she didn't want to be a part of it. She refused to help Negi until the last minute. When she did so, when she took on that responsibility . . . it was in some senses to protect Negi, as much as she denied it. But more than that, it was to protect her reality. It was to protect a world where she would not have HAD to make that choice to accept magic. Where people could live mundane and clueless and happy lives, even if it meant closing their eyes to the greater supernatural reality. That's what Chisame wants to protect. That's where she wants to live. And she's willing to stand up for it. She is very firm in her beliefs and her desires.
It's power against power! For those idiots who just don't get it, I'll make them understand even if I have to beat it into them! That's the truth of this world! You have a problem with that? The leader shouldn't be wavering around worrying like this! If you're a man, you should just make up your mind and go with it!
Chisame in canon is a strong person. There's a lot she's running away from. But she also knows--acknowledges in chapter 159, I believe--that she's running from the world of magic, because she doesn't want to live that kind of lifestyle. It exists, she will use it if she has to, but it's not part of what she wants out of life. It's not part of her reality. And if her reality is a dream, it's still her life, and she'll fight to live the way she wants. If someone tries to take that from her, she'll fight them with force, because that's the reality of society. You can't worry about every single shade of gray, because you can never live in peace with them all. This is Chisame's view of the world.
Chisame in camp was broken and built up again into someone who still had a weak view of herself and her place in the world, and her own self-worth, but was able to accept others and embrace a new life. Chisame in canon refuses to break; she is someone who knows who she is and where she stands, and she runs from some of it, she's in denial of her feelings and parts of herself, but she has her feet on the ground and the strength to assert herself fearlessly against those who try to break her down mentally. In both cases, they've slowly grown more sociable, capable of friendship, more accepting of themselves and their feelings.
These are two paths the character could have taken in the past 12 volumes. I think both are valid. But I chose the wrong one.
When canon went there, when she became a main character and it FINALLY expanded on her own inner strength, I realized I had two choices: drop her, or forcibly shove her back into line with current canon.
I could have frozen her at volume 5, and argued that the Chisame of camp was an alternate reality of the character that developed based on what I knew at the time and the things that happened to her in camp. And I still think that's true, that she developed the way she did for a reason. Could I really jerk her back into line with the Chisame of volume 18 and discard the IC events of the past one and a half years?
. . . Well, yeah. I had to. I have to. Because I love Chisame, but I love her in canon. I was playing a character who had been born in camp. Who wasn't a part of any canon. And I didn't want to do that, even if things had progressed that way out of necessity, and even if the ride had been a real trip. Canon!Chisame is an awesome and hilarious and multi-faceted character. I want to play her. She's a character I like much more than old-CFUD!Chisame.
I'm not, I haven't made any grand gestures wrt this. I didn't reset her memory, or drop her and reapp her. I did an upgrading post to give her her canon pactio abilities, and I gave her a thread with Asuna after Asuna arrived in camp that I felt worked out the differences in the characters, established their respective positions in the world, and where Chisame should be now in her thoughts on camp. (What Chisame thinks camp IS at this point is something she's only told Asuna, and another essay entirely.)
And the rest I'm working on. I gave her a grand shove. I'm not bothering to do it slowly. The truth is, not much will change, because I'm not retconning her camp past. I LIKE her camp past, and playing it out has meant a lot to me. I have more shoving to do to get her to "that's the truth of this world" Chisame, and I'll do that . . . RIGHT NOW. 8D Her friendships--those have been built up over nearly two years, and they're not changing or going away. Her past and her feelings are all still there. But the end result of that past has been and is being shoved hard, back towards the path Akamatsu chose for her, because it's the path I want to continue on. I mean, it's canon, after all.
SO UH what does this have to do with ChiChi? >D
. . . ChiChi still works for me. If I had known about volume 17 Chisame back when a lot of things happened (such as Chizuru kissing Cher, etc.), the relationship would have been OOC. But none of that had happened in canon yet, and so it was the result of her camp development. And it worked in that context.
And it still does, but the dynamic has changed within Chisame herself. Once upon a time, Chisame needed Chizuru very badly. Chizuru was a stabilizing influence in her life, someone she could stand with against the insanity of the world, someone to boost her self-esteem, and Chisame fell in love with her because she fell in love with the attention and comfort that Chizuru afforded her.
Now Chisame's been hit with a baseball bat back towards canon, and the end result is this: Chisame doesn't need Chizuru anymore. And she's consciously aware of this. But . . . she loves Chizuru. That hasn't changed. It's strengthened. Chisame's not dependent on her, but she is happy with her, and she feels she can be herself and that the two have a lot in common and know each other very well and have a lot of fun together. Chisame loves what she has with Chizuru and she loves Chizuru as a person. She has no plans on breaking up with her. She's attracted to her. She wants Chizuru to come home with her.
The difference is that Chisame knows now that she'd be fine without Chizuru. She's with her because she wants to be, not because the idea of NOT being with her frightens her. Even if Chizuru were unable to come home with her . . . she would be sad and disappointed and angry, yes. If given the opportunity to leave without anyone else right now, she wouldn't take it, no. But if she knew for sure that she'd NEVER be able to take anyone else with her? She would go alone. She wouldn't stay in camp and hide from her world just because she'd be losing her friends. She can face the world without them when that time comes.
This is also why Chizuru is on a one-strike system. If she cheats on Chisame? If Chisame finds out about Kodachi, even in a year? Chizuru is out of her life. Because Chisame knows she'll be fine on her own, and that the domestic bliss and awesome snark aren't enough to lower herself for or take any crap over.
In a sense, the ChiChi relationship is healthier than it's ever been because of this. XD I mean, it's BUILT ON LIES because Chizuru is a cheating cheater! In that sense, there's nothing healthy about it. But it's changed a lot from the way it used to be, and the changes have been healthy. Chisame's not codependent on Chizuru, and it's a relationship that they're both in because they're in love and enjoy it. It's casual, even though it's been over a year. It's become FUN for Chisame. This was something that wasn't entirely possible before, because Chisame hadn't had the confidence to realize she would be Okay without her girlfriend. Now that she knows, she's considerably less stressed and jealous, and feels more comfortable just being silly and domestic and cute with Chizuru. (EVEN IF IT'S ALL LIES HONEY >D)
Where it goes in the future, again, depends mostly on Chizuru. Chisame's not the sort who's going to get easily bored or become a slave to her hormones or whatever. It's possible they'll stop having fun or fall out of love someday, and they both know that and are fine with it. And it's possible that Chizuru will jump someone else's bones or something, and Chisame will move on without her, and it'll hurt, but she'll have the strength to initiate that and work through it.
(And do I ship them? I do. >D)
So a lot of that ended up being--explanation of what I'm doing with Chisame and how and why. I've been meaning to do that for awhile now anyway, because it needed explaining. I don't pretend that retconning without . . . actually RETCONNING makes a whole lot of logical sense, but my desire in this game is to have fun and represent my canon in a way that makes me and everyone else who loves it proud. T^Td
I mentioned in the SERIOUS POLL about meta-relationships that the ChiChi essay was something that was--a small part of a large essay about a lot of things. Mainly, it's about what canon did to Chisame (which sounds like DC COMICS BAD when I word it that way, but it's actually a very good thing that makes me happy) and what I had to to do her in camp and why, and how that affects how I look at camp things right now that are remnants of old!Chisame. ChiChi as a relationship is one of those things. AND YET I STILL SHIP IT |D Because the present fact of it still works. The past of it doesn't, but it did at the time.
IS THAT CONFUSING ENOUGH
I have to start at the beginning, despite the fact that I have another essay that starts the same way. |D
I apped Chisame in May 2005 and I was taking her--after some adjustment which took a month or so--from around volume 5 of Negima!. To put that in perspective, we're now about two chapters into volume 18. I could have frozen her where she was, but I'm retarded and didn't want to do that for reasons I'll get to in a minute. |D
The thing is that essay was written after chapter 138, and we've just gotten 162. And I've reread and reexamined and those 25 or so chapters have been the most intense and eventful in the series. For the plot in general, but also for Chisame as a character. And a lot has come out, a lot has happened to her, she's said a lot of things, especially since chapter 150 or so. And it made me face her and re-examine her closely. When I wrote that essay, I felt that the manga and my own camp STUFF had developed her along similar paths; since then it's come out that that's not at all true. Externally, casually, the two characters were similar, but . . .
Anyway. To start SLIGHTLY AFTER THE BEGINNING. XD Back in volume 5, when I apped her, here's what we knew about Chisame: she was twitchy, had low self-esteem, was obsessive, self-serving, uncomfortable, anti-social, cranky, yet somewhat drawn to the insanity despite herself--all things I've essayed on before. And then she disappeared for 6 volumes, and that was what I had to work with. She was a minor character who chose to isolate herself from others but showed signs of wanting more, and of being unable to help herself when it came to participation in things sometimes.
In camp . . . Chisame followed a path of being broken down heavily. She had a LOT of her world view smashed to bits by people like Mello and Near and Chizuru and--everyone else she interacted with. She was dragged down pretty much as far as a person can go over the months. She was forced to confront herself and her feelings and the reality of magic and the supernatural, and accept them, and work through them, and become jaded to them. She needed the emotional support of Chizuru and all her friends, and it was through them that she learned to accept things. She was happy in camp and didn't want to leave it because even though it's a horrible place, she had people she loved and needed here and she was afraid of moving on without them when they'd helped her through so much, and of reverting to the way she had once been.
That, I think is--a path that canon could have taken. That's why I went that route in camp. Circumstances facilitated it and what little we knew of her in canon supported it as a possible reaction. I never really felt I was OOC. Taking her away from canon, yes, but that was just how it worked out. It felt logical and natural that things should happen to her in that way.
CFUD!Chisame was a weak person at heart. She didn't have the inner strength to deal with things, and so she learned to accept help from others, and from there she learned to stand on her own two feet. Sort of. And to accept the world around her, no matter what it threw at her. She became stronger.
Then chapters 121-162 happened in canon.
Here's what happened in canon. Chisame had the world of magic revealed to her. Rather, she figured it out on her own. And she--both accepted and rejected it. She slowly came to accept that it existed, but she did not like it, and she didn't want to be a part of it. She refused to help Negi until the last minute. When she did so, when she took on that responsibility . . . it was in some senses to protect Negi, as much as she denied it. But more than that, it was to protect her reality. It was to protect a world where she would not have HAD to make that choice to accept magic. Where people could live mundane and clueless and happy lives, even if it meant closing their eyes to the greater supernatural reality. That's what Chisame wants to protect. That's where she wants to live. And she's willing to stand up for it. She is very firm in her beliefs and her desires.
It's power against power! For those idiots who just don't get it, I'll make them understand even if I have to beat it into them! That's the truth of this world! You have a problem with that? The leader shouldn't be wavering around worrying like this! If you're a man, you should just make up your mind and go with it!
Chisame in canon is a strong person. There's a lot she's running away from. But she also knows--acknowledges in chapter 159, I believe--that she's running from the world of magic, because she doesn't want to live that kind of lifestyle. It exists, she will use it if she has to, but it's not part of what she wants out of life. It's not part of her reality. And if her reality is a dream, it's still her life, and she'll fight to live the way she wants. If someone tries to take that from her, she'll fight them with force, because that's the reality of society. You can't worry about every single shade of gray, because you can never live in peace with them all. This is Chisame's view of the world.
Chisame in camp was broken and built up again into someone who still had a weak view of herself and her place in the world, and her own self-worth, but was able to accept others and embrace a new life. Chisame in canon refuses to break; she is someone who knows who she is and where she stands, and she runs from some of it, she's in denial of her feelings and parts of herself, but she has her feet on the ground and the strength to assert herself fearlessly against those who try to break her down mentally. In both cases, they've slowly grown more sociable, capable of friendship, more accepting of themselves and their feelings.
These are two paths the character could have taken in the past 12 volumes. I think both are valid. But I chose the wrong one.
When canon went there, when she became a main character and it FINALLY expanded on her own inner strength, I realized I had two choices: drop her, or forcibly shove her back into line with current canon.
I could have frozen her at volume 5, and argued that the Chisame of camp was an alternate reality of the character that developed based on what I knew at the time and the things that happened to her in camp. And I still think that's true, that she developed the way she did for a reason. Could I really jerk her back into line with the Chisame of volume 18 and discard the IC events of the past one and a half years?
. . . Well, yeah. I had to. I have to. Because I love Chisame, but I love her in canon. I was playing a character who had been born in camp. Who wasn't a part of any canon. And I didn't want to do that, even if things had progressed that way out of necessity, and even if the ride had been a real trip. Canon!Chisame is an awesome and hilarious and multi-faceted character. I want to play her. She's a character I like much more than old-CFUD!Chisame.
I'm not, I haven't made any grand gestures wrt this. I didn't reset her memory, or drop her and reapp her. I did an upgrading post to give her her canon pactio abilities, and I gave her a thread with Asuna after Asuna arrived in camp that I felt worked out the differences in the characters, established their respective positions in the world, and where Chisame should be now in her thoughts on camp. (What Chisame thinks camp IS at this point is something she's only told Asuna, and another essay entirely.)
And the rest I'm working on. I gave her a grand shove. I'm not bothering to do it slowly. The truth is, not much will change, because I'm not retconning her camp past. I LIKE her camp past, and playing it out has meant a lot to me. I have more shoving to do to get her to "that's the truth of this world" Chisame, and I'll do that . . . RIGHT NOW. 8D Her friendships--those have been built up over nearly two years, and they're not changing or going away. Her past and her feelings are all still there. But the end result of that past has been and is being shoved hard, back towards the path Akamatsu chose for her, because it's the path I want to continue on. I mean, it's canon, after all.
SO UH what does this have to do with ChiChi? >D
. . . ChiChi still works for me. If I had known about volume 17 Chisame back when a lot of things happened (such as Chizuru kissing Cher, etc.), the relationship would have been OOC. But none of that had happened in canon yet, and so it was the result of her camp development. And it worked in that context.
And it still does, but the dynamic has changed within Chisame herself. Once upon a time, Chisame needed Chizuru very badly. Chizuru was a stabilizing influence in her life, someone she could stand with against the insanity of the world, someone to boost her self-esteem, and Chisame fell in love with her because she fell in love with the attention and comfort that Chizuru afforded her.
Now Chisame's been hit with a baseball bat back towards canon, and the end result is this: Chisame doesn't need Chizuru anymore. And she's consciously aware of this. But . . . she loves Chizuru. That hasn't changed. It's strengthened. Chisame's not dependent on her, but she is happy with her, and she feels she can be herself and that the two have a lot in common and know each other very well and have a lot of fun together. Chisame loves what she has with Chizuru and she loves Chizuru as a person. She has no plans on breaking up with her. She's attracted to her. She wants Chizuru to come home with her.
The difference is that Chisame knows now that she'd be fine without Chizuru. She's with her because she wants to be, not because the idea of NOT being with her frightens her. Even if Chizuru were unable to come home with her . . . she would be sad and disappointed and angry, yes. If given the opportunity to leave without anyone else right now, she wouldn't take it, no. But if she knew for sure that she'd NEVER be able to take anyone else with her? She would go alone. She wouldn't stay in camp and hide from her world just because she'd be losing her friends. She can face the world without them when that time comes.
This is also why Chizuru is on a one-strike system. If she cheats on Chisame? If Chisame finds out about Kodachi, even in a year? Chizuru is out of her life. Because Chisame knows she'll be fine on her own, and that the domestic bliss and awesome snark aren't enough to lower herself for or take any crap over.
In a sense, the ChiChi relationship is healthier than it's ever been because of this. XD I mean, it's BUILT ON LIES because Chizuru is a cheating cheater! In that sense, there's nothing healthy about it. But it's changed a lot from the way it used to be, and the changes have been healthy. Chisame's not codependent on Chizuru, and it's a relationship that they're both in because they're in love and enjoy it. It's casual, even though it's been over a year. It's become FUN for Chisame. This was something that wasn't entirely possible before, because Chisame hadn't had the confidence to realize she would be Okay without her girlfriend. Now that she knows, she's considerably less stressed and jealous, and feels more comfortable just being silly and domestic and cute with Chizuru. (EVEN IF IT'S ALL LIES HONEY >D)
Where it goes in the future, again, depends mostly on Chizuru. Chisame's not the sort who's going to get easily bored or become a slave to her hormones or whatever. It's possible they'll stop having fun or fall out of love someday, and they both know that and are fine with it. And it's possible that Chizuru will jump someone else's bones or something, and Chisame will move on without her, and it'll hurt, but she'll have the strength to initiate that and work through it.
(And do I ship them? I do. >D)
So a lot of that ended up being--explanation of what I'm doing with Chisame and how and why. I've been meaning to do that for awhile now anyway, because it needed explaining. I don't pretend that retconning without . . . actually RETCONNING makes a whole lot of logical sense, but my desire in this game is to have fun and represent my canon in a way that makes me and everyone else who loves it proud. T^Td