If Watson Were a Poet (Gen)
Title: If Watson Were a Poet, or 5 Sonnets John Wrote and One He Never Finished with Commentary by Sherlock Holmes
Characters: John, Sherlock
Rating: Gen
Length: 2000 words
Summary: what it says on the tin. Slightly cracky Shakespeare-Sherlock crossover (Shakeslock?).
Notes: I tried to get this to fit the timeline according to the show and John's blog, but yeah, fail. Just assume that each sonnet is written after the events of the episode (with the exception of the ASIB sonnet, which dates to before the Christmas party). Also, WTF stupid Lj html formatting. If you find any problems, let me know. Written for the Shakespeare crossover challenge at shakethespear. Click for disclaimer.
Shakespearean sonnets, John? How ambitious
[S1 E1] Unusual numbering system. S is for sonnet, obviously, but E...
“Iraq, or Afghanistan?” were his words
when we had barely met a minute past,;
like magic he divides divided my life [in thirds], what does this mean
and leaves left me in the lab behind harassed.
And that’s not all! No, soon we met again:
we saw a flat and ran and then he left
[(still, murder has an upside yet-no cane!)] technically murder was not a prerequisite for curing your leg
now under threat of cardiac arrest.
I chased, not out of loyalty to him,
as [some have said] Mycroft?, but out of object abject fear
that he would hurt himself [upon a whim.] No
a And right I was! Thank god I did not [err.] In which language does “fear” rhyme with “err”? I shudder to think of your English A-levels
They say he’s psychopathic sociopathic and quite mad,
but really, Sherlock Holmes is not so bad. I think I like your other compliments better, John
S1 E2
Locked room murders are the [bread and butter] and tea
of many a detective and all that;
Bbut none can solve with the same flair and [flutt’r] I do NOT “flutter”
as Sherlock did the Chinese acrobat.
The clues were [vague and none too clear] untrue the information gathered was highly specific as you very well know, yet still,
he pervesered persevered-in locking me outside-
that berk! Later it almost got me killed. I am sorry about that, John
Kidnapped in his place, they kept me tied You’re missing a syllable
in order to recover what they’d lost;
I knew not a thing but Shan thought I lied
to keep the treasure secret at great cost.
Of course he knew it was a kade jade hair [slide:] imprecise. The term is “hairpin”
the A-Z was key to the code yellow,
and the pa PA nearly [died] no she didn’t when [?find rhyme with yellow?]. I’d give up now
S1 E3
The game starts with a phone and Gerenwich Greenwich time.
The message sent to Sherlock was five pips,
twelve hours to save a life and solve a crime;
poor cCarl was poisoned by a man whose [fix] again, rhyme. “Pips” and “fix” is tenuous at best
is fixing deaths (though for a hefty price).
Soon followed four and three and two and one;
the pips count down, and if the [clues aren’t right]???
an innocent is killed-who cares who won? I believe I already won this argument
Sherlock, in fact; [a hero he is not;] this we can agree on
though I suspect he’s kinder than he seems.
For at the pool when he saw me he thought
I was the criminal behind the schenes schemes,
and in his eyes I thought I saw a pain
worth more to me than any [golden chain.] Oh John, and I thought you were improving…
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 22 Apr 2010 18:44
Subject:writing is private!!!!
Sherlock, what the bloody HELL did you do to my poems? Everything isgreen and red now! Did it never occur to you that things in a folder labeled “Private” might be, i don’t know, PRIVATE?!!
When I get back from New Zealand we are going to have a long, long talk about boundaries.
oh and by the way, fuck you, I got an A on my English Lit A level thanks.
----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 01 May 2010 15:12
Subject: Re:writing is private!!!!
Oh please. If you had really wanted to keep me out you would have made the folder password protected. And it’s just track changes, if you can’t figure that out you don’t deserve to be using a computer.
When did you go to New Zealand?
SH
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 01 May 2010 15:16
Subject: Re:Re:writing is private!!!!
I’ve been back for four days and your asking me now? Also why are you emailing me I’m sitting two feet away
----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 01 May 2010 15:18
Subject: Re:Re:Re:writing is private!!!!
Pass me my phone.
SH
John, your girlfriend’s name is neither an inventive nor secure password.
S2 E1
I never guessed I would visit the Queen
with my flatmate naked but for a sheet.
Mycroft had sent us called with about a problem: Irene,
a dominatress dominatrix who loved to mistreat
[Royal family members who paid through the teeth]. While certainly amusing, you have clearly sacrificed meter. Can you really call something iambic pentameter when half the stresses are in the wrong place?
In Belgravia we laid out a trap,
but she knew who we were, she had us beat;
’specially Sherlock-poor man got the [strap!] It was a crop. And I was drugged, if you remember
It’s been over a month since she escaped,
yet still, her [aura] Is this a reference to that Starwars movie you forced me to watch? is constantly felt
as Sherlock’s text sound alert (which she has [taped)]People don't used "tape" anymore.
would make the hardist[coolest] Keep it clean, John man around melt.
He’s always said that the rest is transport,the rest IS transport
but theThe wWoman he might just set apart.
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 27 Dec 2010 22:56
Subject: EX GIRLFRIEND thanks to you
If you knew her name why the fuck didn’t you use it?!!!
----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To:John Watson
Sent: 28 Dec 2010 01:35
Subject: You could do better Obviously.
SH
S2 E2
The Hound H.O.U.N.D.S. of the Baskervilles was not were never real,
at least, not as recalled by Henry Knight.
The ghostly hound scared many men of steel,
including Sherlock: shaking, pail pale and white.
“I saw it",” he said, drink shaking in hand;
and just then, in that moment of [weakness,] That wasn’t weakness, it was a perfectly normal autonomic response to stimuli
I saw his true fear-I could understand
he’s just a man despite his uniqueness. meter, John, meter!
In the end it was not a dog at all
instead, a mirage made of chemicals
of government make kept keeps us in it's [thrall], Ah, I see you did indeed pass your A-levels
till the villain was is cornered and falls.
Glad it is over though I’ll not forget
how Sherlock tricked me in the lab, that git. Yet again, the flexibility of your pronunciation astounds me. It’s a good thing you decided on medicine, your future as a professional poet looks bleak
----- Message ----- From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 10:35
Subject: Its called poetic license
you do realize that theres no need to keep doing this, i have no intention of publshing these poems r even sharing them with any one else
sent from my Verizon Blackberry ----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:07
Subject: I don’t think you have one of those
Why do you write then?
SH
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:11
Subject:Re: I don’t think you have one of those it just...helps me think. About things. you know its therapuetic
sent from my Verizon Blackberry ----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:15
Subject:Re:Re: I don’t think you have one of those
I see.
SH
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:23
Subject:Re:Re:Re: I don’t think you have one of those no you dont. But its okay. im at Tesco want more jaffa cakes?
sent from my Verizon Blackberry ----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:24
Subject:Re:Re: I don’t think you have one of those
Yes please.
SH
----- Message ----- From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: Dec 2012 12:03
Subject: no subject
The funds have been sent to a secure account. My assistant will e-mail you the details in a separate message. Do keep me apprised of your whereabouts; I would hate a repeat of the Lhasa incident.
Give my regards to Tenzin.
MH
P.S. An item of interest is attached. Please read.
> 1 attachment: XXXX.doc 21 KB
----- Message -----
From: S Sigerson
To: vip7787@sltnet.lk
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 06:27
Subject: Re:no subject Piss off Mycroft. Stop pretending you're on first name terms with the Dalai Lama.
SH
P.S. A Sri Lankan email provider? Branching out are we?
----- Message -----
From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 07:10
Subject:Attachment
I’m so glad travel hasn’t altered your charming personality. Please check the attachment.
MH
P.S. It is a basic security precaution Sherlock, something you would do well to take note of. Gmail? Really.
> 1 attachment: XXXX.doc 21 KB
----- Message -----
From: S Sigerson
To: knk2470@turkiye.tc
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 07:14
Subject: Re:Attachment
If you’re so bent on my reading your “attachment,” stop sending it in encrypted form. There’s only so much I can do to update the software on this computer. As you would know if you had ever actually visited an internet café instead of sitting around on your fat arse all day.
SH
P.S. You are the only one who contacts me at this address, and you’re paranoid enough for the both of us.
P.P.S. If it’s one your obscenely dull cases, I’m throwing it out.
----- Message -----
From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 07:25
Subject: Re:Re:Attachment
> 1 attachment: S2E3.doc 21 KB
S2 E3
I cannot find the will to leave this place,
though I know him gone and buried under;
here I stand and, cursed, curse the hated case
which tore my only friend and I asunder.
How did it happen? How did he die that day?
A cunning enemy who ruined his name,
did trick him thinking death the only way.
I would have tried to stop him-yes, my aim
would have been to kill the bastard whose name
is Moriarty cursed fucker he!
But he’s dead too and my dear heart is gone
somewhere I cannot follow ????
Sherlock, I ask for only one more con-
please don’t be dead for I love
is this the end
----- Message -----
From: S Sigerson
To: umb0020@mail.az
Sent: 01 Jan 2013 00:40
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Attachment
Heathrow, 11:30 am Brussels flight.
SH
----- Message -----
From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: 01 Jan 2013 01:01
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Attachment
I'll send a car.
MH
Characters: John, Sherlock
Rating: Gen
Length: 2000 words
Summary: what it says on the tin. Slightly cracky Shakespeare-Sherlock crossover (Shakeslock?).
Notes: I tried to get this to fit the timeline according to the show and John's blog, but yeah, fail. Just assume that each sonnet is written after the events of the episode (with the exception of the ASIB sonnet, which dates to before the Christmas party). Also, WTF stupid Lj html formatting. If you find any problems, let me know. Written for the Shakespeare crossover challenge at shakethespear. Click for disclaimer.
Shakespearean sonnets, John? How ambitious
[S1 E1] Unusual numbering system. S is for sonnet, obviously, but E...
“Iraq, or Afghanistan?” were his words
when we had barely met a minute past,;
like magic he divides divided my life [in thirds], what does this mean
and leaves left me in the lab behind harassed.
And that’s not all! No, soon we met again:
we saw a flat and ran and then he left
[(still, murder has an upside yet-no cane!)] technically murder was not a prerequisite for curing your leg
now under threat of cardiac arrest.
I chased, not out of loyalty to him,
as [some have said] Mycroft?, but out of object abject fear
that he would hurt himself [upon a whim.] No
a And right I was! Thank god I did not [err.] In which language does “fear” rhyme with “err”? I shudder to think of your English A-levels
They say he’s psychopathic sociopathic and quite mad,
but really, Sherlock Holmes is not so bad. I think I like your other compliments better, John
S1 E2
Locked room murders are the [bread and butter] and tea
of many a detective and all that;
Bbut none can solve with the same flair and [flutt’r] I do NOT “flutter”
as Sherlock did the Chinese acrobat.
The clues were [vague and none too clear] untrue the information gathered was highly specific as you very well know, yet still,
he pervesered persevered-in locking me outside-
that berk! Later it almost got me killed. I am sorry about that, John
Kidnapped in his place, they kept me tied You’re missing a syllable
in order to recover what they’d lost;
I knew not a thing but Shan thought I lied
to keep the treasure secret at great cost.
Of course he knew it was a kade jade hair [slide:] imprecise. The term is “hairpin”
the A-Z was key to the code yellow,
and the pa PA nearly [died] no she didn’t when [?find rhyme with yellow?]. I’d give up now
S1 E3
The game starts with a phone and Gerenwich Greenwich time.
The message sent to Sherlock was five pips,
twelve hours to save a life and solve a crime;
poor cCarl was poisoned by a man whose [fix] again, rhyme. “Pips” and “fix” is tenuous at best
is fixing deaths (though for a hefty price).
Soon followed four and three and two and one;
the pips count down, and if the [clues aren’t right]???
an innocent is killed-who cares who won? I believe I already won this argument
Sherlock, in fact; [a hero he is not;] this we can agree on
though I suspect he’s kinder than he seems.
For at the pool when he saw me he thought
I was the criminal behind the schenes schemes,
and in his eyes I thought I saw a pain
worth more to me than any [golden chain.] Oh John, and I thought you were improving…
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 22 Apr 2010 18:44
Subject:writing is private!!!!
Sherlock, what the bloody HELL did you do to my poems? Everything isgreen and red now! Did it never occur to you that things in a folder labeled “Private” might be, i don’t know, PRIVATE?!!
When I get back from New Zealand we are going to have a long, long talk about boundaries.
oh and by the way, fuck you, I got an A on my English Lit A level thanks.
----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 01 May 2010 15:12
Subject: Re:writing is private!!!!
Oh please. If you had really wanted to keep me out you would have made the folder password protected. And it’s just track changes, if you can’t figure that out you don’t deserve to be using a computer.
When did you go to New Zealand?
SH
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 01 May 2010 15:16
Subject: Re:Re:writing is private!!!!
I’ve been back for four days and your asking me now? Also why are you emailing me I’m sitting two feet away
----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 01 May 2010 15:18
Subject: Re:Re:Re:writing is private!!!!
Pass me my phone.
SH
John, your girlfriend’s name is neither an inventive nor secure password.
S2 E1
I never guessed I would visit the Queen
with my flatmate naked but for a sheet.
Mycroft had sent us called with about a problem: Irene,
a dominatress dominatrix who loved to mistreat
[Royal family members who paid through the teeth]. While certainly amusing, you have clearly sacrificed meter. Can you really call something iambic pentameter when half the stresses are in the wrong place?
In Belgravia we laid out a trap,
but she knew who we were, she had us beat;
’specially Sherlock-poor man got the [strap!] It was a crop. And I was drugged, if you remember
It’s been over a month since she escaped,
yet still, her [aura] Is this a reference to that Starwars movie you forced me to watch? is constantly felt
as Sherlock’s text sound alert (which she has [taped)]People don't used "tape" anymore.
would make the hardist[coolest] Keep it clean, John man around melt.
He’s always said that the rest is transport,the rest IS transport
but theThe wWoman he might just set apart.
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 27 Dec 2010 22:56
Subject: EX GIRLFRIEND thanks to you
If you knew her name why the fuck didn’t you use it?!!!
----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To:John Watson
Sent: 28 Dec 2010 01:35
Subject: You could do better Obviously.
SH
S2 E2
The Hound H.O.U.N.D.S. of the Baskervilles was not were never real,
at least, not as recalled by Henry Knight.
The ghostly hound scared many men of steel,
including Sherlock: shaking, pail pale and white.
“I saw it",” he said, drink shaking in hand;
and just then, in that moment of [weakness,] That wasn’t weakness, it was a perfectly normal autonomic response to stimuli
I saw his true fear-I could understand
he’s just a man despite his uniqueness. meter, John, meter!
In the end it was not a dog at all
instead, a mirage made of chemicals
of government make kept keeps us in it's [thrall], Ah, I see you did indeed pass your A-levels
till the villain was is cornered and falls.
Glad it is over though I’ll not forget
how Sherlock tricked me in the lab, that git. Yet again, the flexibility of your pronunciation astounds me. It’s a good thing you decided on medicine, your future as a professional poet looks bleak
----- Message ----- From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 10:35
Subject: Its called poetic license
you do realize that theres no need to keep doing this, i have no intention of publshing these poems r even sharing them with any one else
sent from my Verizon Blackberry ----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:07
Subject: I don’t think you have one of those
Why do you write then?
SH
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:11
Subject:Re: I don’t think you have one of those it just...helps me think. About things. you know its therapuetic
sent from my Verizon Blackberry ----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:15
Subject:Re:Re: I don’t think you have one of those
I see.
SH
----- Message -----
From: John Watson
To: Sherlock Holmes
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:23
Subject:Re:Re:Re: I don’t think you have one of those no you dont. But its okay. im at Tesco want more jaffa cakes?
sent from my Verizon Blackberry ----- Message -----
From: Sherlock Holmes
To: John Watson
Sent: 16 Mar 2011 11:24
Subject:Re:Re: I don’t think you have one of those
Yes please.
SH
----- Message ----- From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: Dec 2012 12:03
Subject: no subject
The funds have been sent to a secure account. My assistant will e-mail you the details in a separate message. Do keep me apprised of your whereabouts; I would hate a repeat of the Lhasa incident.
Give my regards to Tenzin.
MH
P.S. An item of interest is attached. Please read.
> 1 attachment: XXXX.doc 21 KB
----- Message -----
From: S Sigerson
To: vip7787@sltnet.lk
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 06:27
Subject: Re:no subject Piss off Mycroft. Stop pretending you're on first name terms with the Dalai Lama.
SH
P.S. A Sri Lankan email provider? Branching out are we?
----- Message -----
From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 07:10
Subject:Attachment
I’m so glad travel hasn’t altered your charming personality. Please check the attachment.
MH
P.S. It is a basic security precaution Sherlock, something you would do well to take note of. Gmail? Really.
> 1 attachment: XXXX.doc 21 KB
----- Message -----
From: S Sigerson
To: knk2470@turkiye.tc
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 07:14
Subject: Re:Attachment
If you’re so bent on my reading your “attachment,” stop sending it in encrypted form. There’s only so much I can do to update the software on this computer. As you would know if you had ever actually visited an internet café instead of sitting around on your fat arse all day.
SH
P.S. You are the only one who contacts me at this address, and you’re paranoid enough for the both of us.
P.P.S. If it’s one your obscenely dull cases, I’m throwing it out.
----- Message -----
From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: 26 Dec 2012 07:25
Subject: Re:Re:Attachment
> 1 attachment: S2E3.doc 21 KB
S2 E3
I cannot find the will to leave this place,
though I know him gone and buried under;
here I stand and, cursed, curse the hated case
which tore my only friend and I asunder.
How did it happen? How did he die that day?
A cunning enemy who ruined his name,
did trick him thinking death the only way.
I would have tried to stop him-yes, my aim
would have been to kill the bastard whose name
is Moriarty cursed fucker he!
But he’s dead too and my dear heart is gone
somewhere I cannot follow ????
Sherlock, I ask for only one more con-
please don’t be dead for I love
is this the end
----- Message -----
From: S Sigerson
To: umb0020@mail.az
Sent: 01 Jan 2013 00:40
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Attachment
Heathrow, 11:30 am Brussels flight.
SH
----- Message -----
From: BLOCKED
To: S Sigerson
Sent: 01 Jan 2013 01:01
Subject: Re:Re:Re:Re:Attachment
I'll send a car.
MH