Crossroads to Somewhere
Title: Crossroads to Somewhere
Pairing: HyukHae
Rating: PG
Genre: romance, friendship, minor angst
Disclaimer: they own me
Summary: Thinking about everything, doing nothing, but maybe starting something.
Ownership
Hyukjae is not in love with Donghae; everyone knows this. Hyukjae knows it, Donghae knows it, their group members know it, their label mates know it. Heck, even Lee Soo Man knows it (though he expresses great disappointment about it). All that fan service the rest of the world sees- the playful butt slaps, the cheeky kisses, the longer than decent hugs- those really don’t amount up to much for Hyukjae. Because while Eunhyuk may be in love with Donghae, Hyukjae certainly isn’t.
Eunhyuk is in love with Donghae; that is for sure. The moment they step on stage and the cameras roll and all eyes are on them, Eunhyuk knows that he wants nothing more than to spend the rest of his life like this, with Donghae by his side. He means it when he pulls Donghae into a tight hug. He says, ‘I love you,’ when he plants a kiss on Donghae’s outstretched hand. He likes the feeling of Donghae’s firm butt through the younger’s tight leather pants. And when he gets down on his knees and feels Donghae’s thighs tremble ever so slightly, Eunhyuk is almost completely overwhelmed with the urge to make love to the man in front of him.
But while a square can be a rectangle, a rectangle cannot be a square. Hyukjae can be Eunhyuk, but Eunhyuk cannot be Hyukjae. And Hyukjae is not in love with Donghae.
It goes without saying that Hyukjae does love Donghae though (really, who doesn’t?). Hyukjae loves Donghae as a best friend after Junsu and Sungmin, as a sibling after Sora, and as a soul mate after no one (being someone’s soul mate does not necessarily mean you have to be romantically involved with them, Hyukjae reasons. Donghae laughs and gives him a noogie when Hyukjae tells him this, but Hyukjae knows he understands). Hyukjae loves Donghae, but not as a lover, never as a lover.
Hyukjae wonders what Donghae thinks about all this (the younger may wear his heart on his sleeve, but it’s pretty damn hard to decipher what it says sometimes). Hyukjae knows Donghae is more emotionally invested than he is in all the things they do, and even though he knows that Donghae knows how he feels about their relationship, he can’t help but feel that he is leading the younger one on, just a bit. He wonders if Donghae’s fingers are lingering on his skin on purpose, if the strange brightness in Donghae’s eyes only lights up when Donghae looks at him, if Donghae really only crawls into his bed in the morning because he ‘can’t sleep unless he is with someone’ (Hyukjae thinks this is bull. What about Jungsu-hyung?). Hyukjae hopes that it is just Donghae being affectionate, because even though Hyukjae is not in love with Donghae, he still doesn’t want to hurt the younger in any way.
Hyukjae walks into the dorm one night, weary from the day’s schedules. He shuffles tiredly into the living room and is surprised to find Sungmin on the couch, watching a movie at low volume. What’s even more surprising is the fact that Donghae’s head is nestled on Sungmin’s lap with the older’s fingers threading through his hair. Sungmin notices Hyukjae’s presence and raises his finger to his lips, indicating that Donghae is fast asleep. Hyukjae tiptoes carefully over.
“Why is he sleeping here?” Hyukjae whispers, a slight accusation in his words. “He’s going to get sick.”
“He said he couldn’t sleep alone,” Sungmin replies quietly, raising an eyebrow slightly at Hyukjae’s tone. “So he came out here and used me as a human pillow.”
Hyukjae rolls his eyes, ignoring Sungmin’s silent rebuke. “I’ll take him to my room then.” Lifting Donghae with some difficulty (Hyukjae swears Donghae has gained weight), Hyukjae carefully positions Donghae on his back, putting the younger’s arms around his neck and firmly gripping his thighs so the younger’s sleep will not be disturbed. “Good night, hyung.”
“’Night,” Sungmin murmurs, turning back to his movie.
Donghae’s hair tickles the side of Hyukjae’s neck as the sleeping boy’s head lolls to the side, and by the time Hyukjae reaches his room, he is fighting a great urge to just drop Donghae and scratch his neck. Kicking his door open, he unceremoniously dumps Donghae on his bed and sighs as he relieves the itch.
“Argh,” mumbles Donghae, awakened by the sudden fall. “Hyung, why did you move?” Not receiving an answer, he cracks a bleary eye open. “Sungmin-hyung?”
“Shh,” Hyukjae hushes Donghae, crouching down next to the bed and brushing the younger’s bangs to the side.
“Hyuk,” says Donghae, words slightly slurred. “Where’s-”
“Go to sleep,” Hyukjae whispers. Donghae’s eyes close obediently as Hyukjae’s palm sweeps over them. Hyukjae pulls the covers over Donghae before climbing into bed next to him and letting him snuggle closer.
Hyukjae is not in love with Donghae. But that doesn’t mean Donghae isn’t his.
Uncertainty
Donghae is in love with Hyukjae. Maybe. He’s not sure, because he might actually be in love with Eunhyuk, he really doesn’t know. He tries to ask people for advice on the situation, but the results have been less than satisfactory. Jungsu gives him an odd look and asks Donghae if he knows Eunhyuk is Hyukjae’s stage name and that they are the same person. Donghae doesn’t know how to explain it, but Eunhyuk and Hyukjae are most definitely not the same person.
Eunhyuk is the embodiment of the stage, bright and attention grabbing. He is bold and fierce with a fiery passion behind each slick dance move he pops out. He is beyond witty, firing jokes and cutting remarks faster than Donghae can keep up with. He is whatever the crowd wants him to be. And he is in love with Donghae (and Siwon and Kyuhyun and Sungmin. But mostly Donghae. Because the crowd wants him to be).
Then there’s Hyukjae. Quietly confident and hardworking, he tends to stay in the background until necessity forces him to do otherwise. He is not one to talk, but he is a good listener. He is reliable, the shoulder that can be counted on if Donghae needs to cry, and has many attributes that Donghae admires in a good person. But he’s not in love with Donghae, far from it. Donghae would even go as far as to say that Hyukjae is slightly homophobic.
Heechul’s response to Donghae’s confusion is not helpful at all. He gives Donghae the same odd look Jungsu did, and Donghae realizes that there’s pity in his normally sharp eyes. Heechul sighs in a weary, uncharacteristic manner and says it doesn’t matter whether Donghae is in love with Hyukjae or Eunhyuk, he’s fucked up either way. With a fond pat to the head that contrasts the harsh words, Heechul advises Donghae to choose anyone, anyone else to fall in love with (but it’s a little too late for that, Donghae thinks).
Donghae is pretty sure that he’s in love with Hyukjae; after all, Hyukjae is technically the one who is “real.” Hyukjae is the one who is always there for Donghae, taking care of him and all, not Eunhyuk. And Hyukjae basically has everything Eunhyuk has, except not as magnified. But Eunhyuk…Eunhyuk makes Donghae feel what Hyukjae has never made him feel before: loved.
Donghae knows how Hyukjae feels about the whole EunHae thing (it’s honestly more than a little flattering that Hyukjae holds him in such high regards considering that he doesn’t love him like that). And he knows that Hyukjae knows that he knows. Sometimes though, Donghae wonders if Hyukjae knows what he feels about EunHae. Donghae is not exactly the most inconspicuous person when it comes to his feelings, so he thinks that Hyukjae must suspect something (if those occasional curious looks Hyukjae gives him are any indication). But Hyukjae never says anything, so Donghae doesn’t do anything that could ruin their status quo.
But to be perfectly frank, Donghae is getting a little tired of, as Hyukjae puts it, harboring a one-sided love.
Stupidity
Donghae, Sungmin thinks, is stupid. No, Donghae is not mentally deficient in the way some people may think, but that in itself probably makes it worse.
Donghae is in love with Hyukjae, and, as Heechul laments, he could not have chosen a worse person to fall for. It isn’t as though Sungmin thinks Hyukjae is a bad person, heaven forbid; he thinks of Hyukjae as a younger brother. It is just that Hyukjae is, well, Hyukjae.
Hyukjae, who is stingy and practical. Hyukjae, who can unknowingly manipulate with his tears. Hyukjae, who can be the wittiest person on set yet the slowest when it comes to feelings. Hyukjae, who loves with all his heart but not with an open mind. Hyukjae, who is as stupid as the person who is head over heels in love with him.
Sungmin doesn’t know why Hyukjae won’t admit that he’s in love with Donghae because, to anyone who bothers looking, it’s pretty clear that he is. It’s beyond frustrating to see how the two of them dance around each other, almost but not quite touching upon the issue between them. Sometimes, Sungmin wants to just bash their heads together or lock them in a closet or do something, anything, to get rid of that elephant in the room. But he doesn’t.
There’s only so much a third party observer can do. Sungmin doesn’t want to interfere too much lest he tip the delicate balance between Hyukjae and Donghae for the worse. But he will offer any help he can if either of them come looking for it.
So when Donghae comes to him one night when Hyukjae has a late schedule, Sungmin is more than happy to keep Donghae company until the younger falls asleep. Donghae happily clambers onto the sofa at Sungmin’s affirmative nod, lies down quite comfortably on his lap, and promptly knocks out.
Sungmin blinks in surprise, but the shock on his face morphs into an affectionate smile. “You know,” Sungmin whispers to the sleeping boy, running his fingers through the brunette’s soft hair. “You’re stupid.”
“Hyukjae,” Donghae breathes in his sleep, so quietly Sungmin barely catches it.
Sungmin continues stroking Donghae’s hair. “You’re really stupid,” Sungmin sighs.
But as Sungmin sits on the couch with Donghae on his lap, the closest that the latter will ever be to him, Sungmin can’t help but think that he himself is the stupidest of them all.
Merge
It wasn’t something that happened overnight; it happened so gradually that Hyukjae didn’t even notice until it was too late.
Hyukjae was becoming Eunhyuk. Or more specifically, Hyukjae and Eunhyuk were becoming one.
Looking back, it was probably a combination of several factors. Too many schedules, for one, forced Hyukjae to remain as Eunhyuk for longer and longer periods of time. There were also those hidden cameras and the like that required Hyukjae to be on his toes at all times, even in the dorms, and therefore compelled him to take on some of Eunhyuk’s characteristics permanently.
Then there was Donghae. Stupid, stupid Donghae with his beguiling eyes and affectionate ways that drove both Eunhyuk and Hyukjae crazy, though not for the same reasons. With Eunhyuk, his feelings for Donghae had always been clear; he was completely in love with the other. Hyukjae had always thought that his own feelings for Donghae were also clear, but lately…lately, Hyukjae had been feeling stuff for Donghae that had previously been Eunhyuk’s territory.
It began innocently enough. Hyukjae started looking forward to Donghae’s presence in his bed every morning; the younger boy was especially snuggly when sleepy, and Hyukjae decided that he liked having a convenient human heater. But then it slowly evolved into something more. Hyukjae became less and less adverse to Donghae’s affectionate acts off stage, and even reciprocated some. It was only Donghae’s wide-eyed look of surprise when Hyukjae kissed his cheek after a random hug that stopped Hyukjae from doing anything further that he might have regretted.
Hyukjae honestly did not know what to think about this latest development. He had worked so hard to separate his personal life from his professional one only to have years of painstaking image-watching go down the drain all because of one person. It seriously irked Hyukjae that Donghae could affect him so greatly, but sometimes he wondered if it all was really just Donghae’s fault. There were times when he thought, maybe, just maybe…
Hyukjae looked down at Donghae’s sleeping form. His arms were wrapped around Hyukjae’s waist and his face was snuggled into Hyukjae’s stomach, expression calm and blissful, completely unaware of the mental crisis that he was causing Hyukjae. Hyukjae smiled ruefully. He shifted away from Donghae, trying to untangle their limbs so he could get out of the bed. But as expected, he could not break Donghae’s iron grip.
“Stupid fish, your nickname should have been ‘barnacle’,” Hyukjae muttered, not without affection laced in his voice. Deciding that resistance would be futile, Hyukjae settled back down, leaning back against the headboard and studying the way the brown locks framed Donghae’s face. Hesitantly, he reached out and pushed a stray strand behind Donghae’s ear. Donghae made an odd noise, a hybrid between a grunt and a purr that made Hyukjae snort with amusement.
Maybe, just maybe, Hyukjae thought, keeping Hyukjae and Eunhyuk separate was an impossible task from the start. He’d be damned if he didn’t keep trying, but Hyukjae did not know how much longer he could keep it up.
After all, with Donghae, resistance was futile.