The Art of Buffet Eating
1. Friday night meant Date Night, but somehow, Baekhyun found himself all dressed up and standing in front of their bathroom door, tapping a foot impatiently.
This was Baekhyun’s week to choose the date spot, and when he informed Chanyeol a couple of hours ago that he wanted to go try out the new buffet that had just opened a few days prior, he had expected some kind of affirmative action-a grin or a peck on the cheek, maybe. But instead, Chanyeol’s eyes had widened as a horrified expression dawned on his face, and he demanded to know why he was not told earlier. He then sprinted to the bathroom and holed himself up inside, leaving behind a mildly shocked Baekhyun.
And now, almost two hours later, there was still no sign of Chanyeol. Baekhyun rapped on the bathroom door sharply for the nth time.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun huffed irritably. “This is getting ridiculous. If you don’t want to go to the buffet, we can go somewhere else. You don’t have to lock yourself in the bathroom. This is childish.”
“No, no, we’re going!” Chanyeol insisted, voice slightly muffled. “Just a bit longer.”
Baekhyun resisted the urge to kick down the door. “What exactly are you doing in there?”
There was a slight pause. “I’m clearing the tracks. You know, to ensure maximum room in my intestines for food intake.”
Baekhyun held his breath and went off to search for their air freshener.
2. Chanyeol finally emerged from the bathroom, satisfaction written across his face.
“I feel like a whole new person,” he sighed happily.
“Ready to go?” asked Baekhyun, doing a mental dance of relief.
The smile slid off Chanyeol’s face when he caught sight of Baekhyun. “I am, but you’re not.” He frowned. “You can’t wear those pants.”
Baekhyun looked down at his black skinny jeans and then at Chanyeol, who was oh so elegantly decked out in a t-shirt and sweatpants. “I can’t wear these pants? Chanyeol, you’re the one in your pajamas.” Baekhyun pursed his lips, offended. Besides, those skinny jeans made his ass look great, okay.
“There’s no easy way to say this,” Chanyeol said solemnly. Taking a deep breath, he blurted out, “Those pants aren’t going to fit you when we’re done eating.”
It took every ounce of Baekhyun’s self-control to not leap across the room and throttle the living daylights out of an earnest Chanyeol.
3. “All you can eat,” Chanyeol muttered with a gleam in his eye as they entered the buffet. “Challenge accepted.”
Baekhyun rolled his eyes and approached the counter, where a bored-looking blonde guy was folding stars from straw wrappers. “Excuse me?”
“How many?” droned the blonde, barely sparing the pair a glance.
“Two.”
“This way, please.” The blonde turned to lead them to the booths in the back of the restaurant.
“Can we sit there instead?” asked Chanyeol, pointing towards a table in the middle. The blonde eyeballed Chanyeol for a moment before nodding and changing directions.
“What does it matter?” hissed Baekhyun.
“It’s part of the game plan,” Chanyeol explained patiently. “The ideal seat is close enough so that we can see when new food is being brought out, but far enough so that we don’t have to smell everything while we’re eating and ruin the whole olfaction experience.”
“Anything to drink?” the blonde asked before Baekhyun could whack Chanyeol upside the head.
“Two cups of co-” Baekhyun started.
“Nothing,” Chanyeol smoothly interjected. “We won’t have any drinks, thank you.”
“What even,” Baekhyun deadpanned once the waiter left.
“Liquids take up space in your stomach that could be used for food,” Chanyeol sang as he put both hands on Baekhyun’s shoulders and steered the older towards the buffet. “Maximizing food intake by minimizing all other intake.”
4. “Are we actually going to get food?” asked Baekhyun, confused as Chanyeol led him up and down the aisles, past the salad bar and soups.
“Of course, silly,” chuckled Chanyeol, giving Baekhyun’s shoulders an affectionate squeeze. “Wouldn’t want to waste any money.” He paraded Baekhyun to the sushi corner, giving the rolls a nod of acknowledgement before whisking him off.
“Then what are we doing?”
“Chicken, pig, and cow,” Chanyeol recited as they perused the meat section. “We’re scouting the place. Seeing where everything is. Ooh, look! There’s the seafood section.”
“Why can’t we just start getting food?” sighed Baekhyun exasperatedly as Chanyeol dragged him to the crabs and lobsters.
“Poor strategy,” hummed Chanyeol happily as he inspected the crab legs. “The downfall of your average buffet eaters. We, my dear Baekhyun, cannot be average buffet eaters if we want to make the most of our money.”
Baekhyun grumbled slightly, but allowed Chanyeol to tug him away to see the rest of the food, mollified by the endearment. For now.
5. Once Chanyeol was satisfied with his assessment of the food placement, Baekhyun finally had a plate in hand and was ready to fill it to the top. Deciding to start with the closest food and eventually work his way in, Baekhyun began to load his plate with pasta, pizza, and fries.
“What are you doing?” squawked a scandalized Chanyeol when Baekhyun got back to their table with a full plate.
“Eating?” Baekhyun answered, unwrapping his utensils from his napkin. But before he could even touch his food, Chanyeol snatched the plate away from him and handed it to an unsuspecting diner walking by their table, who accepted it with no little amount of bewilderment when Chanyeol waved him off.
“I was going to eat that!” protested Baekhyun. He kicked Chanyeol’s shin under the table in revenge.
Chanyeol winced, but did not relent. “Baekhyun, you can’t eat carbs at an all you can eat buffet.”
“Why not?” demanded Baekhyun icily.
“Because it fills you up quickly and leaves no room for anything more expensive, which is exactly what the restaurant wants. Why do you think the starches are conveniently located closer to the dining area than the meats?” At Baekhyun’s unconvinced expression, Chanyeol quickly changed tactics and added, “You can get all that for much cheaper elsewhere. We can stop by a drive-thru for those on the way home if you want.”
“We may have to,” snapped Baekhyun. “At the rate you’re going, I’m not even going to get to eat.”
6. “Remember, seafood is the priciest thing here, so load up on that.”
“Meat is the target; don’t forget.”
“Have more mollusks! And crab! And especially lobster! We hardly get to eat that except at weddings!”
“Chicken is a little cheaper, but it’s okay. Don’t have too much though. Save room for other stuff!”
“The price of beef has been going up. Want a couple more slices?”
Baekhyun looked at all the dead animals Chanyeol piled up on his plate and, for the first time in his twenty years of existence, considered becoming a vegetarian.
7. When Chanyeol didn’t return to their table after ten minutes, Baekhyun took this time to sneak in a few fries and a pizza slice.
When Chanyeol didn’t return to their table after fifteen minutes, Baekhyun tapped his fingers on the table, bored.
When Chanyeol didn’t return to their table after twenty minutes, Baekhyun went to investigate.
He found Chanyeol by the empty tray for crab, a clean plate in one hand and a pair of tongs in the other, surrounded by elderly people who were all similarly armed.
“Chanyeol, what on earth are you doing?” enquired Baekhyun after squeezing through the crowd of irritable old people.
Chanyeol grinned at Baekhyun. “They ran out of crab. I’m waiting for them to bring the fresh batch out.”
“You might not get any,” said Baekhyun, eyeing the determined glint in the eyes of the ahjussi next to him. “Seems like a lot of people are waiting.”
“I’ll get some,” Chanyeol assured him offhandedly. As soon as he spoke, a worker bearing a scared expression and a new tray of crab appeared from the kitchen, hands shaking slightly upon the sight of the ravenous crowd. Immediately, every muscle in Chanyeol’s body tensed, his mouth set in a grim line. “You might want to stay back, Baek. This is for professionals only.”
“Huh? But why…” Baekhyun trailed off when the worker set the tray of crab down and dashed back into the kitchen with inhuman speed. In the blink of an eye, the entire crowd and Chanyeol pounced, tongs glinting and deadly as they sliced through the air, all trying to get to the crab. Not a few seconds later, the crowd dispersed, most of them grumbling with disappointment as the tray stood empty once more.
Chanyeol emerged from the crowd with a triumphant smile on his face and a plate full of crab legs. “Success!” he crowed, pumping his fist. “My crab grabbing skills are still sharp!”
Baekhyun just sighed and shook his head, deciding not to tell Chanyeol about the piece of crab the younger had somehow managed to get in his hair.
8. Baekhyun exhaled and leaned back in his chair, feeling like his stomach was about to burst from the sheer amount of food he consumed. A quick glance across the table showed that Chanyeol was feeling the same.
“Ready to go?” asked Baekhyun.
Chanyeol stared blankly at Baekhyun. “Ready to go?” he laughed. He pulled a book out of nowhere and settled down with it, much to Baekhyun’s amazement. “Not even. We’re just going to take a break and let our digestive system get a head start with its job. Then we go on to phase two: rinse and repeat as desired.”
Baekhyun’s stomach gave an unpleasant lurch at the thought of more food. “When exactly do you plan on leaving then?”
Chanyeol peered over his book and shook his head sadly at Baekhyun’s naivety. “When the place closes, obviously.”
9. Baekhyun wondered if he had two separate stomachs-one for regular food and one for dessert-because at the sight of all the sweet pastries and confectionaries, he just had to take one of everything.
“You can’t eat those,” Chanyeol protested the moment Baekhyun got back to their table.
Baekhyun narrowed his eyes at the person across from him, patience wearing thin. “Watch me.”
“But buffet desserts aren’t legit,” Chanyeol insisted as Baekhyun speared a cake with his fork. “They just get those cheap things at grocery stores, you know.”
“I don’t care,” said Baekhyun stubbornly. “I want something sweet.”
“You can get much better cakes elsewhere for cheaper,” objected Chanyeol, reaching over to take the plate away.
Something in Baekhyun snapped then. “Park Chanyeol,” he snarled, eyes flashing menacingly. “I’ve put up with all your buffet-eating rules thus far, so shut up and let me eat my cake before this fork ends up in your hand.”
Meekly, Chanyeol withdrew his hand. All the while stuffing his face with the last of the lobster, he threw hurt, puppy eyes at Baekhyun, but Baekhyun was too busy savoring his cakes to heed him any mind. Ah, bliss at last.
+1. “Baekhyun,” moaned Chanyeol. “Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun took his eyes off the road for a moment to shoot Chanyeol a look. “Shut up. You’re being annoying.”
“Baekhyun,” Chanyeol groaned louder from his slumped position in the passenger seat. “My stomach hurts so much. Pet it.”
“Serves you right for eating so much,” Baekhyun said, tone all too gleeful at Chanyeol’s pain.
“Baekhyunnie,” Chanyeol whined melodramatically. “Can we stop by the store to buy digestive medicine? I think I’m going to die.”
Baekhyun patted Chanyeol on the head in a rather condescending manner. “I suggest you go reacquaint yourself with your old friend, the toilet. Air freshener’s in the sink cabinet.”
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A/N: Written because tokkei_12 eats fries and pizza at Asian buffets ==;;