(no subject)
PREPARE FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT BORING SHIT
AND HORRIBLE GAMES
CHRIST I LOVE HORRIBLE GAMES
This is going to be a fairly short list, because let's be honest, at this point, you probably already know most of the MUST PLAY NES games, and my lists are mostly going to focus on stuff you've never heard of.
ACTION 52
Not an actually good game in any sense of the word, Action 52 is still noteworthy for its absolute terribleness. It is a hallmark of horrible games. The worst game you ever played? Can't measure up to Action 52. Full of bugs and just plain uncompleted sections to the game, Action 52 is like playing through a broken world - not fun to play, but sure as hell fun to watch, especially late at night. It's also notable for the short-lived attempt of the Cheetahmen franchise, a blatant rip of TMNT, which had an unfinished sequel, Cheetahmen 2. Both games totally sucked it, but damned if they didn't have a catchy tune.
BASE WARS
Still my favorite baseball game of all time - and definitely one of my favorite sports games of all time - Base Wars is a very simple idea. Take regular, boring old, slow moving baseball. Now, throw in robots that you can upgrade, and can also murder each other to determine whether or not they make it to base. Super pitches, laser bats and machine guns, all plus baseball. A great pick up and play game.
JOY MECH FIGHT
A fighting game? For the NES? And it doesn't suck?
Yup, it's Joy Mech Fight, an easy to pick up and play cartoony fighting game, which rips a good bit from the Mega Man series, but hey, it's fun, I don't give a shit. There's not much to know, except there's an english patched version out there you can easily get at Rom World, and it's a blast. I used to play the shit out of this.
KABUKI QUANTUM FIGHTER
It's an action game where you're a scottish guy downloaded into a computer who gets all kabuki'd out because your grandfather (who is presumedly also scottish?) was super into kabuki. You beat the shit out of computer viruses.
In a kabuki getup.
I don't know what else you need to know.
THE KUNIO KUN SERIES
This is the big one.
I am completely fucking gay for the Kunio Kun series. I love these games more than any game you love. I hardly think this to be exaggeration.
Basically, you might have played River City Ransom. You might have liked River City Ransom. I loved River City Ransom.
River City Ransom is essentially Double Dragon, but with RPG elements, letting you beat the shit out of people, upgrade yourself to beat the shit out of more people, and come and go around the various game world as you please. It's a lot of mindless, fast paced fun. You should play it.
But that's not all there is to it. While RCR did Ehhhh over here and later became a cult hit from fellow nostalgiafags, the series, known either for Nekketsu highschool or the Kunio Kun character in Japan, did fucking HUGE in Japan. We even got some of their other games over here, though they weren't inter-connected when translated to come over here. An exhaustive review of every Kunio-Kun game can be found here, making it so I don't have to list off the long ass titles of each friggin' game. River City Ransom is the essential, of course. There was a prequel to it, in Japan, called 'Downtown Special - Kunio Kun no Jidaigeki Dayo Zenin Shuugou!' - which takes place in the samurai era, which, while a VERY ambitious game, is not as good, mostly because it can get a crapload of slowdown, and navigation makes no goddamn sense. HOWEVER, with cheats on, the game becomes incredibly fun, mostly because you get every learnable/stealable ability in the game from the start, including the awesome telekinetic one where you can lift every item on the screen with your mind and throw it at one enemy. Or the teleport punch. Or - fuck it, the special abilities in this game are retardedly fun, that's what's important. Get the english patched version, of course.
Then there's also the sports spinoffs, a LOT of sports spinoffs, a surprising amount of which came stateside - Nintendo World Cup Soccer? That was part of the Kunio-Kun series, and features the standard Kunio-Kun approach to sports - minimal focus on actual rules of the game, very fast gameplay, and being actively encouraged to outright murder the other team, sometimes with special attacks. Nintendo World Cup Soccer, Super Dodge Ball, and Crash 'N The Boys Street Challenge (which wasn't a very good game, but had some goddamn hilarious events - particularly shotput golf, and 'swimming', which wasn't about swimming to the end as much as it was about drowning your opponent under the water) all came stateside, but the ones that didn't are fucking amazing.
For example, 'Ike Ike! Nekketsu Hockey' is just really, really fast paced hockey, where you can actively beat the shit out of the opposing team, as well as pull off unique super slapshot movies that can knock opponents unconscious or right out of the hockey rink, and also have a really diverse group of teams, including one that plays entirely in kendo gear. But my absolute FAVORITE of the Nekketsu sports games...
is 'Nekketsu! Street Basket - Ganbare Dunk Heroes', which is Nekketsu basketball. 2 on 2 teams, heavy amounts of violence, special moves unique to each team, and on each side of the court, hoops that are stacked on top of each other, to the total of three, allowing you to sink several points in one shot, or, if you're playing as Florida, teleport to the top of the top rim, somewhere about 36 feet in the air, and slam dunk. You can also knock off your own rims and throw it onto the other team's backboards to score even more points with progressive sinks. And, of course, y'know, the constant beating the shit out of each other. Which is awesome.
And there's also 'Nekketsu Kakutou Densetsu' which is a FOUR PLAYER, 2 ON 2 FIGHTING GAME ON THE NES WITH SUPER MOVES AND INTERACTIVE BACKGROUNDS AND LIKE FIVE DIFFERENT FIGHTING STYLES AND CUSTOMIZABLE CHARACTERS AND HOLY SHIT THIS GAME IS AWESOME. PERFORMING SPINNING TAG TEAM ICE PILE DRIVERS OR FUCKING THROWING THEM INTO AN ELECTRIC FENCE OR PIT OF SPIKES OR JUST PLAIN BEATING THEM TO DEATH WITH KARATE UP AND DOWN THE ARENA FUCK YEAH.
So yeah. I love the Kunio-Kun series.
MORTAL KOMBAT 3 - SPECIAL 56 PEOPLES
you guys have no idea how much i love pirate carts and bootleg shit games, especially attempts to port games from later era onto the nes
you really, really have no idea
NEW GHOSTBUSTERS II
Okay, you know how Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II on the NES, completely fucking sucked it? Especially since Ghostbusters II was fucking impossible?
Forget all that bullshit.
New Ghostbusters II, released in Europe and Japan, is completely fucking fun, easy to pick up and play, fast paced, and is fucking adorable. You can even get to play as Tully!
OH 8-BIT BILL MURRAY YOU ARE SO KAWAII DESU NE
NIGHTSHADE
A game that tried to fuse entirely too many genres together (adventure, fighter, platformer), and really should have just stayed as an adventure game, yet remains still fun as hell. A comedy mostly point 'n click adventure game that is mainly a sendup of superhero standards and cliches, Nightshade Part 1 (which unfortunately never got a part 2) has some bits that are funny even now to my cynical jaded ass self, though some of that may admittedly be just nostalgia. Every time you die, you have to escape from a slow moving death trap in order to get back to the game.
That's awesome, if you ask me.
RESCUE: THE EMBASSY MISSION
An odd game that really could have only come out of the 80s, Rescue has you taking a bunch of elite SWAT or somesuch people, all out to rescue people being held hostage in a, well, embassy.
This involves sneaking them into sniper position, killing everyone you can see in the windows, then infiltrating the building itself and also killing everyone inside.
One of the first games, along with the NES Metal Gear to really explore using stealth in a game, but again, mostly a fan of the wanton murder here, with an interesting premise, and different gameplay.
SACHEN AND PANESIAN
WARNING: 8 BIT PORN
okay you know how i said i love pirate and bootleg games way more than i should
well
Panesian is known for one thing: making porn games for the NES. Sachen did many things, from educational games to a lot of gambling titles, but is also mostly known for one thing: making porn games for the NES.
They are universally horrible, and I find them to be comedy gold and oddly endearing. Especially Sachen's Poker 5 in 1, which is a mish mash of gambling, RPG, and again, 8-bit porn.
For all of Sachen's terrible titles: Go here. Holy shit they made a lot of wonderful, awful games.
Panesian made far less games, but most of them are better known. Still doesn't matter though. Shit is hilarious either way.
GARBLED 8-BIT PORN IS THE BEST, FOREVER
WALL STREET KID
you really, really have no idea how fascinated i am with bad games, and bad ideas for games
really
PLAY A FUCKING IMAGINARY STOCK MARKET
TRY TO APPEASE YOUR BITCH OF A GIRLFRIEND
TRY TO DEAL WITH SHITHEADS TRYING TO GIVE YOU SHIT DEALS ON YOUR FUCKING OVERPRICED SON OF A BITCH HOUSE
NEVER, EVER GET TO DO ANYTHING COOL
LISTEN TO THE WORST MUSIC EVER
jesus christ that was longer than i thought it would be
next time: maybe PC or SNES
WHO KNOWS
AND HORRIBLE GAMES
CHRIST I LOVE HORRIBLE GAMES
This is going to be a fairly short list, because let's be honest, at this point, you probably already know most of the MUST PLAY NES games, and my lists are mostly going to focus on stuff you've never heard of.
ACTION 52
Click to viewNot an actually good game in any sense of the word, Action 52 is still noteworthy for its absolute terribleness. It is a hallmark of horrible games. The worst game you ever played? Can't measure up to Action 52. Full of bugs and just plain uncompleted sections to the game, Action 52 is like playing through a broken world - not fun to play, but sure as hell fun to watch, especially late at night. It's also notable for the short-lived attempt of the Cheetahmen franchise, a blatant rip of TMNT, which had an unfinished sequel, Cheetahmen 2. Both games totally sucked it, but damned if they didn't have a catchy tune.
BASE WARS
Still my favorite baseball game of all time - and definitely one of my favorite sports games of all time - Base Wars is a very simple idea. Take regular, boring old, slow moving baseball. Now, throw in robots that you can upgrade, and can also murder each other to determine whether or not they make it to base. Super pitches, laser bats and machine guns, all plus baseball. A great pick up and play game.
JOY MECH FIGHT
A fighting game? For the NES? And it doesn't suck?
Yup, it's Joy Mech Fight, an easy to pick up and play cartoony fighting game, which rips a good bit from the Mega Man series, but hey, it's fun, I don't give a shit. There's not much to know, except there's an english patched version out there you can easily get at Rom World, and it's a blast. I used to play the shit out of this.
KABUKI QUANTUM FIGHTER
It's an action game where you're a scottish guy downloaded into a computer who gets all kabuki'd out because your grandfather (who is presumedly also scottish?) was super into kabuki. You beat the shit out of computer viruses.
In a kabuki getup.
I don't know what else you need to know.
THE KUNIO KUN SERIES
This is the big one.
I am completely fucking gay for the Kunio Kun series. I love these games more than any game you love. I hardly think this to be exaggeration.
Basically, you might have played River City Ransom. You might have liked River City Ransom. I loved River City Ransom.
River City Ransom is essentially Double Dragon, but with RPG elements, letting you beat the shit out of people, upgrade yourself to beat the shit out of more people, and come and go around the various game world as you please. It's a lot of mindless, fast paced fun. You should play it.
But that's not all there is to it. While RCR did Ehhhh over here and later became a cult hit from fellow nostalgiafags, the series, known either for Nekketsu highschool or the Kunio Kun character in Japan, did fucking HUGE in Japan. We even got some of their other games over here, though they weren't inter-connected when translated to come over here. An exhaustive review of every Kunio-Kun game can be found here, making it so I don't have to list off the long ass titles of each friggin' game. River City Ransom is the essential, of course. There was a prequel to it, in Japan, called 'Downtown Special - Kunio Kun no Jidaigeki Dayo Zenin Shuugou!' - which takes place in the samurai era, which, while a VERY ambitious game, is not as good, mostly because it can get a crapload of slowdown, and navigation makes no goddamn sense. HOWEVER, with cheats on, the game becomes incredibly fun, mostly because you get every learnable/stealable ability in the game from the start, including the awesome telekinetic one where you can lift every item on the screen with your mind and throw it at one enemy. Or the teleport punch. Or - fuck it, the special abilities in this game are retardedly fun, that's what's important. Get the english patched version, of course.
Then there's also the sports spinoffs, a LOT of sports spinoffs, a surprising amount of which came stateside - Nintendo World Cup Soccer? That was part of the Kunio-Kun series, and features the standard Kunio-Kun approach to sports - minimal focus on actual rules of the game, very fast gameplay, and being actively encouraged to outright murder the other team, sometimes with special attacks. Nintendo World Cup Soccer, Super Dodge Ball, and Crash 'N The Boys Street Challenge (which wasn't a very good game, but had some goddamn hilarious events - particularly shotput golf, and 'swimming', which wasn't about swimming to the end as much as it was about drowning your opponent under the water) all came stateside, but the ones that didn't are fucking amazing.
For example, 'Ike Ike! Nekketsu Hockey' is just really, really fast paced hockey, where you can actively beat the shit out of the opposing team, as well as pull off unique super slapshot movies that can knock opponents unconscious or right out of the hockey rink, and also have a really diverse group of teams, including one that plays entirely in kendo gear. But my absolute FAVORITE of the Nekketsu sports games...
is 'Nekketsu! Street Basket - Ganbare Dunk Heroes', which is Nekketsu basketball. 2 on 2 teams, heavy amounts of violence, special moves unique to each team, and on each side of the court, hoops that are stacked on top of each other, to the total of three, allowing you to sink several points in one shot, or, if you're playing as Florida, teleport to the top of the top rim, somewhere about 36 feet in the air, and slam dunk. You can also knock off your own rims and throw it onto the other team's backboards to score even more points with progressive sinks. And, of course, y'know, the constant beating the shit out of each other. Which is awesome.
And there's also 'Nekketsu Kakutou Densetsu' which is a FOUR PLAYER, 2 ON 2 FIGHTING GAME ON THE NES WITH SUPER MOVES AND INTERACTIVE BACKGROUNDS AND LIKE FIVE DIFFERENT FIGHTING STYLES AND CUSTOMIZABLE CHARACTERS AND HOLY SHIT THIS GAME IS AWESOME. PERFORMING SPINNING TAG TEAM ICE PILE DRIVERS OR FUCKING THROWING THEM INTO AN ELECTRIC FENCE OR PIT OF SPIKES OR JUST PLAIN BEATING THEM TO DEATH WITH KARATE UP AND DOWN THE ARENA FUCK YEAH.
So yeah. I love the Kunio-Kun series.
MORTAL KOMBAT 3 - SPECIAL 56 PEOPLES
you guys have no idea how much i love pirate carts and bootleg shit games, especially attempts to port games from later era onto the nes
you really, really have no idea
NEW GHOSTBUSTERS II
Okay, you know how Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II on the NES, completely fucking sucked it? Especially since Ghostbusters II was fucking impossible?
Forget all that bullshit.
New Ghostbusters II, released in Europe and Japan, is completely fucking fun, easy to pick up and play, fast paced, and is fucking adorable. You can even get to play as Tully!
OH 8-BIT BILL MURRAY YOU ARE SO KAWAII DESU NE
NIGHTSHADE
A game that tried to fuse entirely too many genres together (adventure, fighter, platformer), and really should have just stayed as an adventure game, yet remains still fun as hell. A comedy mostly point 'n click adventure game that is mainly a sendup of superhero standards and cliches, Nightshade Part 1 (which unfortunately never got a part 2) has some bits that are funny even now to my cynical jaded ass self, though some of that may admittedly be just nostalgia. Every time you die, you have to escape from a slow moving death trap in order to get back to the game.
That's awesome, if you ask me.
RESCUE: THE EMBASSY MISSION
An odd game that really could have only come out of the 80s, Rescue has you taking a bunch of elite SWAT or somesuch people, all out to rescue people being held hostage in a, well, embassy.
This involves sneaking them into sniper position, killing everyone you can see in the windows, then infiltrating the building itself and also killing everyone inside.
One of the first games, along with the NES Metal Gear to really explore using stealth in a game, but again, mostly a fan of the wanton murder here, with an interesting premise, and different gameplay.
SACHEN AND PANESIAN
WARNING: 8 BIT PORN
okay you know how i said i love pirate and bootleg games way more than i should
well
Panesian is known for one thing: making porn games for the NES. Sachen did many things, from educational games to a lot of gambling titles, but is also mostly known for one thing: making porn games for the NES.
They are universally horrible, and I find them to be comedy gold and oddly endearing. Especially Sachen's Poker 5 in 1, which is a mish mash of gambling, RPG, and again, 8-bit porn.
For all of Sachen's terrible titles: Go here. Holy shit they made a lot of wonderful, awful games.
Panesian made far less games, but most of them are better known. Still doesn't matter though. Shit is hilarious either way.
GARBLED 8-BIT PORN IS THE BEST, FOREVER
WALL STREET KID
you really, really have no idea how fascinated i am with bad games, and bad ideas for games
really
PLAY A FUCKING IMAGINARY STOCK MARKET
TRY TO APPEASE YOUR BITCH OF A GIRLFRIEND
TRY TO DEAL WITH SHITHEADS TRYING TO GIVE YOU SHIT DEALS ON YOUR FUCKING OVERPRICED SON OF A BITCH HOUSE
NEVER, EVER GET TO DO ANYTHING COOL
LISTEN TO THE WORST MUSIC EVER
jesus christ that was longer than i thought it would be
next time: maybe PC or SNES
WHO KNOWS