Crumpled poems
Title: Crumpled poems
Author: creepylicious/alles_luege
Pairing: Gerard/Lindsey/Frank +Travis
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's basically like this: Travis sprays the Ways' garage, gets caught, gets involved and kind of maybe (and he's not saying he is, okay? What does Gabe know anyway!) falls in love with the Ways and their tiny guitarist Frank.
He wants to grab a bunch of Gerard's red hair and pull softly, leave finger shaped bruises on the pale skin of his hips and smudge charcoal and pastels on his body, constantly repeating: I was here, like a graffiti left on a wall. Travis knows that most sprayers just like to leave their initials on whatever surface they can find, but then there are those that choose where to leave their mark on the world and if that mark is erased they just do it again. In the middle of the night, under the cover of darkness and stars.
Warning(s): threesome
Author’s Notes: Written for anon_lovefest. Part of the Songs about the Ways-verse. I'm dedicating this with much L.O.V.E. To the OP gala_apples, draconic_girl, sydneysconverse, exoticway, tygermine and everyone who didn't leave their names in the comments. You guys, I LOVE you! *hugs *
Word Count: 3.576
Beta: stones_at_moons
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
“I can hear you thinking,” Frank says against his lips.
Travis closes his eyes and pushes him away. “Because I am thinking.”
“That means I'm doing something wrong,” Frank grins.
“We both are.”
Frank steps away from him and runs his hand through his hair. “Okay, I know what this is about.”
“You're a genius like that,” Travis answers a bit too sharply.
Frank gives him a look. “Don't give me shit now.”
He wants to say that he's sorry, but he isn't, not really. He’s feeling constantly guilty when he's with Frank or Lindsey or Gerard for that matter, because Gerard is being funny and adorable and nice and trying to help him with his art and he can't stop thinking about Gerard when he's jerking off, which...makes this hell.
“Frank,” he says and Frank grabs his shirt and kisses him again.
“We'll figure that out.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“That just isn't-”
“Enough?” Frank asks with a sardonic smile.
“Oh fuck you!”
“God, I wish,” Frank answers.
Travis pushes him away again and sits down on the floor. He needs some space. “What if Gerard won't, can't, do it?”
“Do what?”
“Don't fuck with me,” Travis answers.
“Don't say such horrible things. I know you're lying anyway.”
“I'm being serious.”
“I know. You're being far too serious,” Frank replies.
Travis gets up. How the fuck can Frank be so casual about all this? Of fucking course he's serious about this. He loves them! “Fuck you! Seriously! And don't expect me next Sunday!” he says and storms out before Frank can even say anything.
He runs a few blocks before he can think again. He's still fucking mad at Frank. And he's not going back. This has to stop. Maybe he should just tell Gerard that he loves him and if Gerard let's him down, then he'll know and could go on with his life. Find a nice girl or a guy, whatever and live a normal teenage life.
~+~
“That was a shitty thing to say,” William admits.
“I don't even know why he did it. Maybe he didn't think about it at all, maybe he doesn't care much for other people,” Travis answers, handing the joint over.
“He does care. At least for Mister and Misses Way.”
“Wow, that makes me feel so much better,” Travis answers.
“Misses Way said she had a plan. Maybe you should talk to her first before you do something drastic,” William says, but what he means is 'stupid'.
“How come you believe so much in them?”
“Because you love them and I believe in love,” William replies, he takes a deep drag of the joint and lies down. His hair looks like a dark halo on the light tile floor of the Becketts' bathroom.
“It's because you're 14 and never were in love.”
“Maybe. Maybe Disney movies gave me a warped perspective on the whole thing.”
“Gabe could set you straight,” Travis says.
William snorts. “Yeah...I bet he could.”
~+~
Lindsey’s waiting for him when he leaves the school building on a Wednesday.
“You didn't pick up your phone,” she says, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Travis lets her, he knows people are staring, but he doesn't care. Or maybe he does. He likes that he's seen with a hot older woman.
“That was a major clue that I don't want to talk with you.”
“No, the clue was not to come over anymore on Sundays or any other day.”
“I told Frank I wouldn't come over anymore. Not my fault he doesn't pass messages along,” he answers.
“Travis...” she begins and then sighs. “Walk with me a bit?”
“Sure.” It's not like he can lose more than he has already by taking a walk with her.
Lindsey doesn't say anything for a while and then she stops, grabs his hand and makes him stop as well. They sit down on a bench in the park and she says: “I know what's going on.”
“I'm sure. But that's not what is bothering me,” Travis answers.
“It's the fact that Gerard doesn't.”
“Yes. And the fact that Frank doesn't seem to care,” he replies, not looking at her.
“He's...impulsive and he doesn't always have the words to make a person get what he wants them to know. He does care.”
“For you two, I'm sure,” Travis interrupts.
“He would never have kissed you if he wouldn't care, Travis,” she says, softly. He feels a bit like a dick for making this so hard for her.
“I was thinking maybe I'll just tell him that I have a crush on him and see what happens?”
“You want to tell Gerard that you have a crush on him?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Have you met him? What makes you think he won't let you down gently?”
“I...maybe I want him to.”
She nods, grabbing his hand and holding it in hers. Travis waits. “He doesn't know. Or he doesn't want to know, because you're so young and he doesn't want to mess up your life.”
“Well, too fucking late for that. I get stoned and drunk every weekend. I can't stop thinking about you guys and-” he bites his lip.
“What?”
“I yanked his hair,” he says softly.
“Oh...” she whispers. Her grip around his hand tightens.
“He likes it.”
“Sometimes. Yes.”
“Okay,” Travis says. Suddenly he doesn't want to know anything anymore. “Gonna buy me ice-cream?”
“What?” she asks amused, turning her head a bit to look at him.
“I'm paying with hot hot kisses,” he replies with a grin and she laughs.
“Well, then, sure.”
~+~
It's not like everything is okay now that he spoke with Lindsey, because it's not, but he feels a bit better anyway. He is still a bit pissed off at Frank, but he figures he can't punish them all for that. And especially not Gerard. Gerard didn't do anything wrong. He tries, in fact, to do the right thing all the time. The thing is that Travis doesn't want him to do the right thing. Not at all. He wants to feel Gerard's lips on his, he bets they'll be pliant and a bit chapped, because Gerard tends to bite them when he's drawing or shading. Travis’ seen it. He wants to grab a bunch of Gerard's red hair and pull softly, leave finger shaped bruises on the pale skin of his hips and smudge charcoal and pastels on his body, constantly repeating: I was here, like a graffiti left on a wall. Travis knows that most sprayers just like to leave their initials on whatever surface they can find, but then there are those that choose where to leave their mark on the world and if that mark is erased they just do it again. In the middle of the night, under the cover of darkness and stars.
Travis is changing. Being the latter kind is what he wants, now.
~+~
Gerard fixes him coffee and hands it over with a soft smile. Their fingers kiss for a second and Travis just wants t bang his head against something. Kiss? Really? He needs to stop hanging out with Bill or listening to Bill's poems and lyrics. But if he does that he goes insane for sure.
He takes a sip, lights a cigarette and waits for Gerard to just freaking ask, but Gerard doesn't. He rambles on and on about one art project or another until Travis crushes his butt in the ashtray and says: “Ask!”
“What?” Gerard wants to know. He seems genuinely puzzled which makes this so much worse.
“Why I stopped coming over and why now I'm back.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Don't you want to know?” Travis explodes, getting up and pacing the room. Weeks, months, freaking months of this madness and he still can't find the words to explain himself or make Gerard understand. He doesn't know Gerard like Lindsey and Frank, but he thinks he does know Gerard at least a bit. He stops after a few minutes and looks at Gerard who's playing with a strand of his hair. Travis' mind flashes to that moment all these weeks ago. He lights another cigarette and takes a deep drag.
“I'm not asking anything of you,” Gerard says.
“Yes, yes, freaking yes! You do, you did! The first time we met, you caught me half drunk spraying your freaking garage, you asked something of me and you might not be aware of it, but you are constantly asking something of me!”
Gerard looks uncertain. “I...”
“When I pulled your hair too hard...you asked something then too,” Travis whispers.
“I didn't...I just like. Sometimes,” he looks helplessly at Travis and Travis feels like he can't deal with this. Like he's way over his head here. He's too young for this. He should have listened to Lindsey.
“I know,” Travis says. “It doesn't make-” he stops, takes a deep breath and begins anew; “I know you don't do it on purpose. I know you couldn't help yourself. I know it wasn't your fault.”
“It wasn't yours either. I didn't even really realise you picked up on it,” Gerard mumbles.
“Are you freaking kidding me? Your face, fuck. I've never seen-” he bites his lip and Gerard looks away. He can't continue this conversation. He can't tell Gerard he's never seen something so erotic, someone so vulnerably, innocently wanton.
“I'm sorry...” Gerard says.
“No, fuck. NO. I'm sorry. You have no freaking idea what a horrible person I am,” Travis answers, leaning against the wall. His cigarette is nearly burned down to the filter and he crushes it in the ashtray on the coffee-table.
“You're not.”
“Yes, I am.”
Gerard looks him directly into his eyes. “You're not.”
And it hits Travis then like a rock to his stupid head. How could he think Gerard wouldn't pick up on all of this? “You know.”
Gerard nods. “Yeah.” He lights a cigarette and takes a deep drag.
“And you didn't say anything.”
“I...What could I have said?” Gerard asks, exhaling smoke.
“I don't know. That I should fuck off and leave you guys alone, that you don't want me here, that I am a kid and know shit about how a threesome relationship works - which is true. That I should get my hands off of your wife and your Frank!” Travis explodes.
“That would only have made everyone miserable,” Gerard says calmly.
“I am miserable, because I-” he shuts his mouth and doesn't tell Gerard that he loves him. “Do you think they only amuse themselves with me?” he asks and he has no idea where all the courage comes from. He’s a seventeen year old kid and this is Gerard, a published writer and artist. He has his life planed out, Travis knows shit about the world, but somehow it's there and he needs to say all this. Needs to know things.
“No. They would never only amuse themselves with someone. Especially someone like you.”
And Travis knows what that means, he isn't even offended. “They like you.”
“I like them, too.”
Gerard nods. “I know. That's why this is okay.”
“But it's not.”
“Travis, you are not a horrible person. You are a good kid and you shouldn't feel guilty about kissing hot people or wanting to sleep with them,” Gerard says gently.
Travis is ready to fucking scream the whole house down. It's like Gerard is reading his freaking mind, but still doesn't get the point.
“It's not about permission to sleep with your wife and your Frank, Gerard,” he answers. He's furious. It's like Gerard doesn't want to get the point.
Gerard takes another drag and holding his hand up to prevent Travis' rant. “This is not going to happen,” he says calmly.
Travis wants to smash something to pieces. He balls his hands to fists instead. He doesn't want Gerard to think he is that kid Gerard obviously takes him for. He breathes in deeply and relaxes his hands. He lights another cigarette.
“You'll just let me sleep with them?” he asks.
Gerard nods. “If it makes them happy, if it makes you happy, sure.”
“What's with you?” Travis asks, curious.
“What do you mean? I wouldn't say yes if it would make me unbearably unhappy,” Gerard answers and bites his lip. Unbearably, Travis thinks.
“So, it's a bearable kind of hurt, knowing they’re with me?”
Gerard takes another drag of his cigarette. By now Travis knows he's stalling for time that way. Fuck Gerard seriously. Travis isn't sure he hates him for being like that, being him, or if he loves him even more for being willing to do this for the people he loves.
“Travis.”
“Gerard,” Travis gives back. They take both a drag. “This is going to change everything.”
Gerard nods, opens his mouth to say something but in that moment the front door is being banged open and Frank's loud cheery voice shatters the moment to pieces.
~+~
“Maybe Lindsey and Frank are going to kill me now,” he says, taking a deep sip from the bottle of Jack.
“I don't think Starfish will, their Frank, maybe. He seems the impulsive type.”
“Not helping, Gabriel,” William says, taking the bottle away from Travis and setting it aside, so he can't get at it. Sometimes he maybe hates Bill a bit.
Gabe makes a face at him. He can't stand it when Bill uses his full name. Or anybody, really.
“I'm just saying. But I don't think it was a bad idea to talk to Gerard,” he says.
“You wouldn't,” Bill answers.
“I was just so angry all of a sudden. He rejected me. Not only me, but everything he maybe wants like it's nothing. Like it didn't matter what he wants in the slightest,” Travis says. He feels frustrated and he didn't answer his phone when Lindsey called or even look at the hundred texts he got from Frank. Not cool, but he just doesn't feel up to it right now. He wants to get drunk and not be thinking about this. Which isn't going to happen.
“Uhm...” Bill says, he is playing with the hem of his shirt which never means anything good. At least it never did until now.
“What?” Travis asks, but he isn't sure he wants to know.
“Maybe there is another reason he refused you than only you being seventeen.”
“I don't want to know, do I?” Travis says.
“Probably not.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“I think Mister Way has an alcohol problem,” Bill says quietly.
“What?” Gabe sits up and looks at him sharply. “And you didn't tell us before because?”
“I don't know! It's not our business!”
“How do you know?” Travis asks.
“I saw him go the AA meeting. Ryan and I were checking some of the groups out because of his dad...and well, I saw him there. I don't think he recognised me. We never really met after all. We only spoke to Misses Way and their Frank that one time when we told them about your art show...” he shuts his mouth and looks sorry.
Travis sighs. “That would explain a thing or two,” he says. It would explain why Gerard needs to be grounded sometimes as well. It would explain a fucking lot of stuff.
“If you weren't into this so deep I would tell you to break it off and do it now,” Gabe throws in.
“Yeah,” Travis says, “but it's far too late now.”
“I wish I knew before,” Bill whispers.
“It's not your fault. I was blinded by the brilliance and charm and shit like that. How could I possibly think they weren't real people with real problems?”
“You're just a delusional kid like the rest of us,” Gabe replies.
“Yeah,” Travis says and he feels it right now more than ever before.
No wonder Gerard doesn't want to drag him into that. Gerard is afraid this could fuck him up. Hell, Travis is afraid this could fuck him up. Even Gabe told him he should just break it off and Gabe takes all the fucking risks just for the kicks of it. But Gabe also doesn't take risks with loving people. He has a strict policy of separating love from sex. Maybe, Travis thinks, I should consider that.
~+~
He calls Lindsey back two days later.
“Travis,” she says, her voice is soft, but with an edge to it.
He doesn't let her gather her thoughts. “Is Gerard an alcoholic?” he asks. He needs to know. He needs all the information before he can make a decision about this, because sometimes loving someone, being in love with someone isn't enough.
He can hear her take a deep breath. “He is. He's sober for a few months now. Half a year next week.”
“You didn't think this was something I should know?” he asks.
“Travis...it's complicated. We didn't even ever consider anyone before you came along being all you.”
“I feel so special.”
“Don't give me shit. I know you're angry and confused, but don't you dare giving me shit for keeping my husband's secrets.”
It kind of stings, but Travis swallows it down and lets it go. She is right. Gerard is her husband, he is someone they'll willing to take a risk with by letting him in.
“Okay. I get it,” he doesn't say he's sorry, because it would be a lie and she would know it. Spending nearly five months in someone's house does that to a relationship. After all he doesn't only spend the Sundays there anymore. He spends half his freaking week over at the Ways'.
“Frank wanted to tell you,” she replies. Travis closes his eyes and keeps silent. “Travis?”
“Yeah, I'm still listening.”
“Okay.”
“Are you guys mad because I talked to Gerard?”
“No, not really. He was...Gerard feels like a bad person sometimes. Like he doesn't deserve to be happy because of all the shit he's done. You understand?”
“Yeah, to a point. Sure.”
“So he doesn't get why you want him. He doesn't get why people love him, except Mikey.”
“His brother.”
“Yes, because Mikey always loved him and always will, but with other people... Well, he fucked up hard and doesn't get why we're giving him a second chance anyway.”
“Because you love him.”
“Yes, but it took us a long time to make him believe us, trust in us.”
“I don't know if I can do this,” he says, because that's the core of this. Gerard is damaged in a way Travis has no idea how to deal with. He doesn't know if he can, if he wants to. He's only seventeen.
“I understand, but you have to know that, whatever Gerard says, this is an all or nothing deal,” she sounds kind of sorry about it. He bets she is sorry that she is putting him in that situation and he is sure that this decision was made by Frank and her.
“I need to think.”
“We're having a barbecue next Saturday...before all this we wanted you to come, bring your friends, meet some of ours...the invitation still stands.”
“Okay, thanks, Lindsey,” he answers.
“By Travis.”
“Bye.” He hangs up and lies down on his bed. Well. He has two options here: all or nothing. With everything that implies.
He needs to talk to Bill.
~+~
“There is always the option to be only friends,” Bill says. He sounds tired.
“Yeah...”
“But you don't want that. You made up your mind already. You want everything.”
“I want to try at least, you know?”
“Yes. Yes, I do know and you should.”
“It's just that...” he trails off and William picks up smoothly.
“You're afraid it would be forever. This is your decision, but I'll say go for it. Even if it isn't forever. Who can say that anyway? You could be dead in a few weeks or tomorrow.”
“You're in one of your morbid moods, hmm?”
“I don't sleep well,” Bill admits.
Travis knows why Bill doesn't sleep well, but the thing is that Bill knows too and neither of them can do anything about it. “There is something between you and all of you are feeling it. It would be stupid not to try at least. You can always break it off when you think you can't handle it.”
“Thanks Bill.”
“Sing me something until I'm asleep?”
“Sure.”
~end~
next
Author: creepylicious/alles_luege
Pairing: Gerard/Lindsey/Frank +Travis
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It's basically like this: Travis sprays the Ways' garage, gets caught, gets involved and kind of maybe (and he's not saying he is, okay? What does Gabe know anyway!) falls in love with the Ways and their tiny guitarist Frank.
He wants to grab a bunch of Gerard's red hair and pull softly, leave finger shaped bruises on the pale skin of his hips and smudge charcoal and pastels on his body, constantly repeating: I was here, like a graffiti left on a wall. Travis knows that most sprayers just like to leave their initials on whatever surface they can find, but then there are those that choose where to leave their mark on the world and if that mark is erased they just do it again. In the middle of the night, under the cover of darkness and stars.
Warning(s): threesome
Author’s Notes: Written for anon_lovefest. Part of the Songs about the Ways-verse. I'm dedicating this with much L.O.V.E. To the OP gala_apples, draconic_girl, sydneysconverse, exoticway, tygermine and everyone who didn't leave their names in the comments. You guys, I LOVE you! *hugs *
Word Count: 3.576
Beta: stones_at_moons
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
“I can hear you thinking,” Frank says against his lips.
Travis closes his eyes and pushes him away. “Because I am thinking.”
“That means I'm doing something wrong,” Frank grins.
“We both are.”
Frank steps away from him and runs his hand through his hair. “Okay, I know what this is about.”
“You're a genius like that,” Travis answers a bit too sharply.
Frank gives him a look. “Don't give me shit now.”
He wants to say that he's sorry, but he isn't, not really. He’s feeling constantly guilty when he's with Frank or Lindsey or Gerard for that matter, because Gerard is being funny and adorable and nice and trying to help him with his art and he can't stop thinking about Gerard when he's jerking off, which...makes this hell.
“Frank,” he says and Frank grabs his shirt and kisses him again.
“We'll figure that out.”
“When?”
“Soon.”
“That just isn't-”
“Enough?” Frank asks with a sardonic smile.
“Oh fuck you!”
“God, I wish,” Frank answers.
Travis pushes him away again and sits down on the floor. He needs some space. “What if Gerard won't, can't, do it?”
“Do what?”
“Don't fuck with me,” Travis answers.
“Don't say such horrible things. I know you're lying anyway.”
“I'm being serious.”
“I know. You're being far too serious,” Frank replies.
Travis gets up. How the fuck can Frank be so casual about all this? Of fucking course he's serious about this. He loves them! “Fuck you! Seriously! And don't expect me next Sunday!” he says and storms out before Frank can even say anything.
He runs a few blocks before he can think again. He's still fucking mad at Frank. And he's not going back. This has to stop. Maybe he should just tell Gerard that he loves him and if Gerard let's him down, then he'll know and could go on with his life. Find a nice girl or a guy, whatever and live a normal teenage life.
~+~
“That was a shitty thing to say,” William admits.
“I don't even know why he did it. Maybe he didn't think about it at all, maybe he doesn't care much for other people,” Travis answers, handing the joint over.
“He does care. At least for Mister and Misses Way.”
“Wow, that makes me feel so much better,” Travis answers.
“Misses Way said she had a plan. Maybe you should talk to her first before you do something drastic,” William says, but what he means is 'stupid'.
“How come you believe so much in them?”
“Because you love them and I believe in love,” William replies, he takes a deep drag of the joint and lies down. His hair looks like a dark halo on the light tile floor of the Becketts' bathroom.
“It's because you're 14 and never were in love.”
“Maybe. Maybe Disney movies gave me a warped perspective on the whole thing.”
“Gabe could set you straight,” Travis says.
William snorts. “Yeah...I bet he could.”
~+~
Lindsey’s waiting for him when he leaves the school building on a Wednesday.
“You didn't pick up your phone,” she says, leaning down to kiss his cheek. Travis lets her, he knows people are staring, but he doesn't care. Or maybe he does. He likes that he's seen with a hot older woman.
“That was a major clue that I don't want to talk with you.”
“No, the clue was not to come over anymore on Sundays or any other day.”
“I told Frank I wouldn't come over anymore. Not my fault he doesn't pass messages along,” he answers.
“Travis...” she begins and then sighs. “Walk with me a bit?”
“Sure.” It's not like he can lose more than he has already by taking a walk with her.
Lindsey doesn't say anything for a while and then she stops, grabs his hand and makes him stop as well. They sit down on a bench in the park and she says: “I know what's going on.”
“I'm sure. But that's not what is bothering me,” Travis answers.
“It's the fact that Gerard doesn't.”
“Yes. And the fact that Frank doesn't seem to care,” he replies, not looking at her.
“He's...impulsive and he doesn't always have the words to make a person get what he wants them to know. He does care.”
“For you two, I'm sure,” Travis interrupts.
“He would never have kissed you if he wouldn't care, Travis,” she says, softly. He feels a bit like a dick for making this so hard for her.
“I was thinking maybe I'll just tell him that I have a crush on him and see what happens?”
“You want to tell Gerard that you have a crush on him?” she asks.
“Yes.”
“Have you met him? What makes you think he won't let you down gently?”
“I...maybe I want him to.”
She nods, grabbing his hand and holding it in hers. Travis waits. “He doesn't know. Or he doesn't want to know, because you're so young and he doesn't want to mess up your life.”
“Well, too fucking late for that. I get stoned and drunk every weekend. I can't stop thinking about you guys and-” he bites his lip.
“What?”
“I yanked his hair,” he says softly.
“Oh...” she whispers. Her grip around his hand tightens.
“He likes it.”
“Sometimes. Yes.”
“Okay,” Travis says. Suddenly he doesn't want to know anything anymore. “Gonna buy me ice-cream?”
“What?” she asks amused, turning her head a bit to look at him.
“I'm paying with hot hot kisses,” he replies with a grin and she laughs.
“Well, then, sure.”
~+~
It's not like everything is okay now that he spoke with Lindsey, because it's not, but he feels a bit better anyway. He is still a bit pissed off at Frank, but he figures he can't punish them all for that. And especially not Gerard. Gerard didn't do anything wrong. He tries, in fact, to do the right thing all the time. The thing is that Travis doesn't want him to do the right thing. Not at all. He wants to feel Gerard's lips on his, he bets they'll be pliant and a bit chapped, because Gerard tends to bite them when he's drawing or shading. Travis’ seen it. He wants to grab a bunch of Gerard's red hair and pull softly, leave finger shaped bruises on the pale skin of his hips and smudge charcoal and pastels on his body, constantly repeating: I was here, like a graffiti left on a wall. Travis knows that most sprayers just like to leave their initials on whatever surface they can find, but then there are those that choose where to leave their mark on the world and if that mark is erased they just do it again. In the middle of the night, under the cover of darkness and stars.
Travis is changing. Being the latter kind is what he wants, now.
~+~
Gerard fixes him coffee and hands it over with a soft smile. Their fingers kiss for a second and Travis just wants t bang his head against something. Kiss? Really? He needs to stop hanging out with Bill or listening to Bill's poems and lyrics. But if he does that he goes insane for sure.
He takes a sip, lights a cigarette and waits for Gerard to just freaking ask, but Gerard doesn't. He rambles on and on about one art project or another until Travis crushes his butt in the ashtray and says: “Ask!”
“What?” Gerard wants to know. He seems genuinely puzzled which makes this so much worse.
“Why I stopped coming over and why now I'm back.”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Don't you want to know?” Travis explodes, getting up and pacing the room. Weeks, months, freaking months of this madness and he still can't find the words to explain himself or make Gerard understand. He doesn't know Gerard like Lindsey and Frank, but he thinks he does know Gerard at least a bit. He stops after a few minutes and looks at Gerard who's playing with a strand of his hair. Travis' mind flashes to that moment all these weeks ago. He lights another cigarette and takes a deep drag.
“I'm not asking anything of you,” Gerard says.
“Yes, yes, freaking yes! You do, you did! The first time we met, you caught me half drunk spraying your freaking garage, you asked something of me and you might not be aware of it, but you are constantly asking something of me!”
Gerard looks uncertain. “I...”
“When I pulled your hair too hard...you asked something then too,” Travis whispers.
“I didn't...I just like. Sometimes,” he looks helplessly at Travis and Travis feels like he can't deal with this. Like he's way over his head here. He's too young for this. He should have listened to Lindsey.
“I know,” Travis says. “It doesn't make-” he stops, takes a deep breath and begins anew; “I know you don't do it on purpose. I know you couldn't help yourself. I know it wasn't your fault.”
“It wasn't yours either. I didn't even really realise you picked up on it,” Gerard mumbles.
“Are you freaking kidding me? Your face, fuck. I've never seen-” he bites his lip and Gerard looks away. He can't continue this conversation. He can't tell Gerard he's never seen something so erotic, someone so vulnerably, innocently wanton.
“I'm sorry...” Gerard says.
“No, fuck. NO. I'm sorry. You have no freaking idea what a horrible person I am,” Travis answers, leaning against the wall. His cigarette is nearly burned down to the filter and he crushes it in the ashtray on the coffee-table.
“You're not.”
“Yes, I am.”
Gerard looks him directly into his eyes. “You're not.”
And it hits Travis then like a rock to his stupid head. How could he think Gerard wouldn't pick up on all of this? “You know.”
Gerard nods. “Yeah.” He lights a cigarette and takes a deep drag.
“And you didn't say anything.”
“I...What could I have said?” Gerard asks, exhaling smoke.
“I don't know. That I should fuck off and leave you guys alone, that you don't want me here, that I am a kid and know shit about how a threesome relationship works - which is true. That I should get my hands off of your wife and your Frank!” Travis explodes.
“That would only have made everyone miserable,” Gerard says calmly.
“I am miserable, because I-” he shuts his mouth and doesn't tell Gerard that he loves him. “Do you think they only amuse themselves with me?” he asks and he has no idea where all the courage comes from. He’s a seventeen year old kid and this is Gerard, a published writer and artist. He has his life planed out, Travis knows shit about the world, but somehow it's there and he needs to say all this. Needs to know things.
“No. They would never only amuse themselves with someone. Especially someone like you.”
And Travis knows what that means, he isn't even offended. “They like you.”
“I like them, too.”
Gerard nods. “I know. That's why this is okay.”
“But it's not.”
“Travis, you are not a horrible person. You are a good kid and you shouldn't feel guilty about kissing hot people or wanting to sleep with them,” Gerard says gently.
Travis is ready to fucking scream the whole house down. It's like Gerard is reading his freaking mind, but still doesn't get the point.
“It's not about permission to sleep with your wife and your Frank, Gerard,” he answers. He's furious. It's like Gerard doesn't want to get the point.
Gerard takes another drag and holding his hand up to prevent Travis' rant. “This is not going to happen,” he says calmly.
Travis wants to smash something to pieces. He balls his hands to fists instead. He doesn't want Gerard to think he is that kid Gerard obviously takes him for. He breathes in deeply and relaxes his hands. He lights another cigarette.
“You'll just let me sleep with them?” he asks.
Gerard nods. “If it makes them happy, if it makes you happy, sure.”
“What's with you?” Travis asks, curious.
“What do you mean? I wouldn't say yes if it would make me unbearably unhappy,” Gerard answers and bites his lip. Unbearably, Travis thinks.
“So, it's a bearable kind of hurt, knowing they’re with me?”
Gerard takes another drag of his cigarette. By now Travis knows he's stalling for time that way. Fuck Gerard seriously. Travis isn't sure he hates him for being like that, being him, or if he loves him even more for being willing to do this for the people he loves.
“Travis.”
“Gerard,” Travis gives back. They take both a drag. “This is going to change everything.”
Gerard nods, opens his mouth to say something but in that moment the front door is being banged open and Frank's loud cheery voice shatters the moment to pieces.
~+~
“Maybe Lindsey and Frank are going to kill me now,” he says, taking a deep sip from the bottle of Jack.
“I don't think Starfish will, their Frank, maybe. He seems the impulsive type.”
“Not helping, Gabriel,” William says, taking the bottle away from Travis and setting it aside, so he can't get at it. Sometimes he maybe hates Bill a bit.
Gabe makes a face at him. He can't stand it when Bill uses his full name. Or anybody, really.
“I'm just saying. But I don't think it was a bad idea to talk to Gerard,” he says.
“You wouldn't,” Bill answers.
“I was just so angry all of a sudden. He rejected me. Not only me, but everything he maybe wants like it's nothing. Like it didn't matter what he wants in the slightest,” Travis says. He feels frustrated and he didn't answer his phone when Lindsey called or even look at the hundred texts he got from Frank. Not cool, but he just doesn't feel up to it right now. He wants to get drunk and not be thinking about this. Which isn't going to happen.
“Uhm...” Bill says, he is playing with the hem of his shirt which never means anything good. At least it never did until now.
“What?” Travis asks, but he isn't sure he wants to know.
“Maybe there is another reason he refused you than only you being seventeen.”
“I don't want to know, do I?” Travis says.
“Probably not.”
“Tell me anyway.”
“I think Mister Way has an alcohol problem,” Bill says quietly.
“What?” Gabe sits up and looks at him sharply. “And you didn't tell us before because?”
“I don't know! It's not our business!”
“How do you know?” Travis asks.
“I saw him go the AA meeting. Ryan and I were checking some of the groups out because of his dad...and well, I saw him there. I don't think he recognised me. We never really met after all. We only spoke to Misses Way and their Frank that one time when we told them about your art show...” he shuts his mouth and looks sorry.
Travis sighs. “That would explain a thing or two,” he says. It would explain why Gerard needs to be grounded sometimes as well. It would explain a fucking lot of stuff.
“If you weren't into this so deep I would tell you to break it off and do it now,” Gabe throws in.
“Yeah,” Travis says, “but it's far too late now.”
“I wish I knew before,” Bill whispers.
“It's not your fault. I was blinded by the brilliance and charm and shit like that. How could I possibly think they weren't real people with real problems?”
“You're just a delusional kid like the rest of us,” Gabe replies.
“Yeah,” Travis says and he feels it right now more than ever before.
No wonder Gerard doesn't want to drag him into that. Gerard is afraid this could fuck him up. Hell, Travis is afraid this could fuck him up. Even Gabe told him he should just break it off and Gabe takes all the fucking risks just for the kicks of it. But Gabe also doesn't take risks with loving people. He has a strict policy of separating love from sex. Maybe, Travis thinks, I should consider that.
~+~
He calls Lindsey back two days later.
“Travis,” she says, her voice is soft, but with an edge to it.
He doesn't let her gather her thoughts. “Is Gerard an alcoholic?” he asks. He needs to know. He needs all the information before he can make a decision about this, because sometimes loving someone, being in love with someone isn't enough.
He can hear her take a deep breath. “He is. He's sober for a few months now. Half a year next week.”
“You didn't think this was something I should know?” he asks.
“Travis...it's complicated. We didn't even ever consider anyone before you came along being all you.”
“I feel so special.”
“Don't give me shit. I know you're angry and confused, but don't you dare giving me shit for keeping my husband's secrets.”
It kind of stings, but Travis swallows it down and lets it go. She is right. Gerard is her husband, he is someone they'll willing to take a risk with by letting him in.
“Okay. I get it,” he doesn't say he's sorry, because it would be a lie and she would know it. Spending nearly five months in someone's house does that to a relationship. After all he doesn't only spend the Sundays there anymore. He spends half his freaking week over at the Ways'.
“Frank wanted to tell you,” she replies. Travis closes his eyes and keeps silent. “Travis?”
“Yeah, I'm still listening.”
“Okay.”
“Are you guys mad because I talked to Gerard?”
“No, not really. He was...Gerard feels like a bad person sometimes. Like he doesn't deserve to be happy because of all the shit he's done. You understand?”
“Yeah, to a point. Sure.”
“So he doesn't get why you want him. He doesn't get why people love him, except Mikey.”
“His brother.”
“Yes, because Mikey always loved him and always will, but with other people... Well, he fucked up hard and doesn't get why we're giving him a second chance anyway.”
“Because you love him.”
“Yes, but it took us a long time to make him believe us, trust in us.”
“I don't know if I can do this,” he says, because that's the core of this. Gerard is damaged in a way Travis has no idea how to deal with. He doesn't know if he can, if he wants to. He's only seventeen.
“I understand, but you have to know that, whatever Gerard says, this is an all or nothing deal,” she sounds kind of sorry about it. He bets she is sorry that she is putting him in that situation and he is sure that this decision was made by Frank and her.
“I need to think.”
“We're having a barbecue next Saturday...before all this we wanted you to come, bring your friends, meet some of ours...the invitation still stands.”
“Okay, thanks, Lindsey,” he answers.
“By Travis.”
“Bye.” He hangs up and lies down on his bed. Well. He has two options here: all or nothing. With everything that implies.
He needs to talk to Bill.
~+~
“There is always the option to be only friends,” Bill says. He sounds tired.
“Yeah...”
“But you don't want that. You made up your mind already. You want everything.”
“I want to try at least, you know?”
“Yes. Yes, I do know and you should.”
“It's just that...” he trails off and William picks up smoothly.
“You're afraid it would be forever. This is your decision, but I'll say go for it. Even if it isn't forever. Who can say that anyway? You could be dead in a few weeks or tomorrow.”
“You're in one of your morbid moods, hmm?”
“I don't sleep well,” Bill admits.
Travis knows why Bill doesn't sleep well, but the thing is that Bill knows too and neither of them can do anything about it. “There is something between you and all of you are feeling it. It would be stupid not to try at least. You can always break it off when you think you can't handle it.”
“Thanks Bill.”
“Sing me something until I'm asleep?”
“Sure.”
~end~
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