That's what you get (when you let your heart win)
Title: That's what you get (when you let your heart win)
Author: creepylicious/alles_luege
Pairing: William/Gabe, Mikey/Gerard, Mikey/Spencer/William, Gerard/William
Rating: R
Summary: William is quitting having sex with Gabe for his own sanity, Spencer finds himself in the middle of an unusual breakfast-club, Mikey is hiding secrets from his friends and Gerard is seducing everyone. This is a story about trying to let go of something that doesn't work and opening up to something new, no matter how unusual it looks.
“I will miss your coffee finding senses, Spencer Smith. They are way better than Spider-senses, way better.”
“Only to a coffee-addict like you, Michael Way,” Spencer answers. Mikey likes when Spencer uses his full name. It's not something he thought he’d miss, and he doesn't, really, but it's nice how Spencer says it, it's different, like this isn't part of him and Gerard, like this is something only he has. Which is so stupid, it's not like Gerard is ever taking anything away from Mikey. They are sharing everything and more than normal siblings do. They’re crossing lines that aren't even there in the first place.
William puts his half eaten muffin down and sighs. “I'm breaking up with Gabe today.” He doesn't say it as much as he declares it.
“You know you aren't really together, right?” Spencer answers, but he doesn't sound like a bitch about it.
“I know, I just meant that I'm not going to have sex with him in the future. I'm going to detox.”
“From Gabe?” Mikey has to ask. “You're going cold turkey?”
“Well, sex is an addiction, too.”
“You aren't addicted to sex, you are addicted to sex with Gabe,” Spencer says.
“And that's not even true. You are addicted to the idea he will love you some day back,” Mikey whispers.
“He won't, though. I know he won't, that's why I have to do this.”
Warning(s): threesome, sex, incest
Author’s Notes: Thanks to my mixer. OMG, guys check it out even if this story isn't your cup of tea! Also big thanks to tygermine (you know why) and theplumtomato for the beta.
MIX by pikasafire
Title: Paramore
Word Count: 17.149
Beta: theplumtomato
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
~Prologue~
William
William knows he fell head over heels for Gabe the first time they kissed. William never forgot that first kiss, but he knows Gabe did. Saporta was so fucking drunk that night. Gabe couldn't remember the next day and if it weren't on the internet for the whole world to see, William is pretty sure Gabe would've called bullshit on that one. Fact of life is that there’s photographic evidence of that kiss, so Gabe couldn't talk his way out of it. He tried. William was irritated by it, but he could understand, he was so young back then. He made so many excuses for Gabe's behaviour. He still does...
Mikey
It's not distance he's feeling, because he never felt distant from Gerard. Gerard was always there, will be, is even now, but it still feels like something is slowly ending and nothing Mikey would, could do would be able to stop it.
When he looks at Gerard he knows Gerard is feeling it, too - but Gerard doesn't seem to be scared by it. He seems kind of excited.
Mikey is scared. He’s scared like he never was before.
Spencer
Spencer and Ryan only shared one kiss and neither of them were drunk. Ryan was curious and Spencer was a sucker for everything Ryan - still is, when he's being honest. He tries not to be a sucker for everything Ryan, but it's harder than it seems. He can see it all around him, everyone is a sucker for Ryan at some point in their lives, it's fucking ridiculous is what it is. There’s something about Ryan that just makes people care, take an interest and then try to worm their ways into his heart just to break it.
Spencer could never, would never break his heart, but he knows it’s because Ryan would never let him that far in in the first place.
~1~
~+~
Mikey has no idea who William Beckett is until Gabe introduces them to each other. Mikey knows Gabe and he knows that Gabe only introduces them to each other on this particular night because he wants to get laid and William might be cock-blocking him. The thing is, Gabe really likes William, but he is not in love. Gabe doesn't do love, doesn't do relationships. He does friendships and hook ups and friends with benefits. Mikey knows all that and he’s sure Gabe tried at least to make William see things his way, but apparently it didn't do him any good.
“I'm leaving you two to talk about...whatever. I have a thing to do,” Gabe says, grinning.
“And by 'thing' you mean someone,” Mikey answers. He feels William go tense for a few seconds, before he takes a swig of the Jack he's holding. The bottle is nearly empty and Mikey hopes he didn't drink all of it alone. He can deal with alcoholics, but he doesn't want to. He’s here because Gabe is fun and makes him think about a lot of things and not about Gerard. Not that he can get away from his brother or wants to. He could never get away from Gerard and he doesn't want to - but he feels like they’re breaking up, breaking apart.
“Well...hell, I hope so!” Gabe replies and leaves them.
“So...you're in a band?” Mikey asks.
William sighs. “Yeah, I'm a singer.”
“Of course you’re a singer. Gabe likes singers.”
“Gabe likes the pretty ones. Did you two fuck?” William asks, and it sounds kind of wrong from William's lips. Maybe it's the face, but Mikey didn't think William would ask it like that.
“Did you?”
“We do,” William says. He says it like he has a right to Gabe. Mikey pities him. He doesn't pity people often, but this is such a fucking hopeless case of love. These things never end well.
“We did, back when I wasn't famous and he was Gabe Saporta of Midtown,” Mikey replies, and holds out his hand for the bottle of Jack. William takes another swig and hands it over. “You know that this thing you have is only a thing, right?” Mikey adds.
William keeps quite for a long time. Mikey turns his head to look at him. His eyes are closed, his breathing regular and soft. He looks pretty, Mikey thinks.
“Yeah, I know.”
“You're hoping things will change, but they won't,” Mikey says. He doesn't say it to be cruel, he says it because it's the truth. He's seen this before.
“You can't know that!” William replies hotly.
“No, I can't know that for sure...” Mikey admits, but knows William gets what he doesn't say.
“I wish I could just fall out of love with him,” William says softly and Mikey is pretty sure he will hate himself in the morning, if he remembers it at all, that he said it. That he shared this with a total stranger. Mikey nods and says nothing. What is there to say, anyway? You can't just decide to not be in love anymore. He wishes it was that fucking easy.
He falls asleep on the couch curled around William Beckett for the first time that night.
~+~
William wakes up with someone curled around him and for an insane second he thinks that maybe it's Gabe, but Gabe usually doesn't fall asleep with him after sex. Sometimes they fall asleep together when they’re too drunk to get up and separate. But they only fuck when they're sober. William has a suspicion why it's so important for Gabe to be sober, but he doesn't want to think about it now. The body beside him is too bony to be Gabe's anyway. He turns his head a bit so he can assess the situation and then it all comes back. Well, not all of it - but enough that he feels like running away, hiding somewhere or throwing up. Gabe left him with Mikey fucking Way and he spilled all his secrets. So atypical of him.
“Don't freak out on me before I’ve had coffee, okay?” Mikey mumbles into William's shoulder.
William can't help it, he smiles. “Okay...but after I’ll freak out on you big time.”
“I think I will be able to deal by then. Can we sleep a bit more now?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
~+~
Spencer drums his fingers impatiently on the table and tries not to be irritated by Academy's singer. William should have met him here fifteen minutes ago. Spencer knows William and knows that William is often late if there was a party somewhere - and let's face it, there’s always a party somewhere when you're on tour.
He takes out his phone and waits.
“‘ello?” a tired voice asks.
“Beckett?” Spencer wants to know, because the voice sounds groggy, but not really like William.
“Uhmm...no, he's showering? I think...”
“Okay...” Spencer says and doesn't know if he wants to know. “And you are?”
“Oh, hey, this is Mikey,” the voice says.
“As in?” Spencer hates it that people assume he knows everyone by their first name. How many Mikeys, Mikes, Michaels are there on tour right the fuck now anyway?
“Way. Mikey Way. Uhmm... I'm with My Chemical Romance.”
“I know who you are, fuck...” Spencer says. He never in a million years thought he would have a phone conversation with Mikey fucking Way from My fucking Chemical Romance at ass o'clock in the morning because William fucking Beckett didn't show up for breakfast, coffee, whatever.
“You wanna wait for him to finish? Or d’you wanna call back? We're going out for coffee...” Mikey says, he still sounds sleepy.
“I have coffee, I'm at this small diner where he should have met me like 20 minutes ago,” Spencer replies, a bit irritated. It was a bad night and a worse morning for Spencer. Ryan and Brendon have a thing going on and Spencer can't see them together, can't see them giggle and being all...them. He can't stand Jon, either, right now. He thinks he hates his band. “I think I hate my band....” he sighs and face palms himself mentally a second later.
“Dude, happens to all of us. At least you aren't in one with your brother,” Mikey answers. “How good is the coffee where you are?” he adds.
“Uhmmm...okay. I think. They have pancakes, too,” Spencer says, he feels a bit confused by all this, to put it mildly.
“Text me the directions? Or does William know where it is? He does, doesn't he, you were supposed to meet there. Okay, wait for us?” he asks.
“Yeah, sure. Hurry up.” Spencer replies and waits for Mikey to agree before he hangs up. He wants to call Ryan and tell him all about this conversation, but then he thinks about how irritated he is by Ryan right the fuck now and puts his phone away.
~2~
Mikey looks rumpled when he sits down at the table and William looks fucking fantastic, like always. That freak, Spencer thinks. This is the fourth time the three of them are meeting for breakfast since that first time when William just forgot to show up and Spencer had to call him and got Mikey instead.
“Coffee,” Mikey says to the waitress and she nods. Spencer already ordered for himself and now they're waiting for William to choose. William always takes forever to choose something. “Will’ll take a while...” Mikey says to the waitress.
“Okay, I'll come back by later then,” she smiles at him and leaves.
“Gee is wondering where I spend my mornings and where I get all the good coffee from,” he throws in.
Spencer looks up. “You didn't tell him that you formed a breakfast club on your own?”
“Funny....”
“It kind of is. I think I'm taking the chai and a blueberry muffin.”
“I hate to break it to you, but you always take the chai and a muffin.” Spencer says.
“It's blueberry this time and chai always tastes different in different places,” William declares with a finality that dares anyone to argue with him. It reminds Spencer of how Mikey sends particularly vicious texts. Hitting the send button like it's a mission, like it will get his point across faster. It's kind of strange, he thinks, that he knows these things after such a short time.
The waitress comes back with their coffee and takes William's order. He smiles at her and she smiles back like she means it. Everyone falls for William Beckett. It's the looks, he said once. Maybe, but Spencer really isn't sure.
“This is great coffee. You have a gift for finding excellent coffee, Spencer Smith. I'm declaring you my favourite friend.”
“Wow, that hurt exceptionally.” William says with a soft smile.
Mikey waves it away with a: “I love you, too, just for other reasons.”
“If this is going into blow-job territory I don't want to know,” Spencer says.
William and Mikey give him a look. “Dude! No, we know we have reputations, but it's not all about sex, you know?” Mikey answers.
Spencer feels half ashamed and half relieved. He doesn't know where the relief comes from, maybe it's because sex seems to fuck stuff up between people. Not that it was sex that fucked up Ryan and him. It was Ryan and Brendon, or just the fact that Ryan doesn't like him like Spencer likes Ryan. The simple fact, that Ryan doesn't fucking love him back.
Spencer nods and doesn't apologize. He doesn't have to, he knows that, he doesn't know why he knows it, but he does anyway.
~+~
William talks about Gabe all the time when they’re drunk. All the time. It seems like he can only address the issue when he's drunk and only to him and Spencer. He cradles the bottle of Jack and his eyes are closed.
“He’s just so fucking...” he waves a hand and the liquid in the bottle sloshes around making a soft sound against the glass walls.
“Gabe?” Mikey supplies.
“Yes! Gabe. He kissed me and he forgot all about it the next day. There is a picture of him doing it, so he couldn't talk his way out of it. I know he likes me, I know he loves to fuck me, I know...” he shuts his mouth and takes another sip of the whisky.
Mikey knows how that sentence ends, he finished it a few times in his head over the last few weeks. It ends with: he doesn't love me, or a variation of it.
Mikey nods. “I know.”
“You're lucky you're not in love with anyone. Never fall in love with anyone, Mikey Way, never. It only hurts. All the fucking time.”
Spencer on the other side of him nods and William hands him the bottle.
Mikey bites his bottom lip and keeps quite. It's hard enough to deal with all this on his own, but he doesn't think he can ever talk about it. It's too complicated and too fucked up. He’s a whole other kind of freak.
“I still hate my band...” Spencer throws in.
“Still Brendon and Ryan?”
“When I'm being honest, it's only Ryan. He and Brendon don't...whatever they were doing the last few weeks and now Brendon is mopping around and Ryan isn't even there when he can get away with it.”
“I saw him a few days ago with this tech girl, the good looking one....what's her name again?” William asks.
“Alicia. Pete's into her, too.” Mikey replies.
“Brilliant! I love tours with the whole fucking label, it's like an incest-fest!” Spencer says sharply and Mikey suppresses the urge to flinch or run away.
“Hand over the bottle,” he says instead, and Spencer does.
~+~
William is staring at the ceiling, sweat cooling on his skin and feeling sore and used - in a good way, mostly. Gabe is puttering around and looking for his clothes. William is listening to his own breathing. Counting the inhales and exhales and trying to stay calm. It’d worked before. The sex is always fucking excellent. Maybe that's why he can't just stop, can't say no to Gabe. Maybe, you can't say no to Gabe because you're still fucking hoping for him to change his fucking mind, a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Spencer when he's on his way to get really drunk (that's when he gets mean and cutting) says. William has no idea when his inner voice began sounding like Panic's drummer. Well, fuck.
“Hey, Bill, did you see my other sock?” Gabe asks and William turns to look at him. He's in his boxers and jeans, tearing his shirt over his head. His hair a mess. One sock in his hand, the other in the pocket of his pants. William has no idea at all how it got there.
“Your pocket,” he says and Gabe pats his pants until he finds it.
“How the hell did it get there in the first place anyway?” he grins at William and William smiles back, shaking his head.
“I have no idea,” he answers.
“Doesn't matter. Hey, are you gonna sing with me tonight?” Gabe asks, he asks every fucking time and William hasn’t said no once yet.
“You don't have to ask.”
“I'm not taking anything for granted. Maybe one day you’ll get your mind back and tell me to go fuck myself,” Gabe replies. There is subtext there, but William chooses to ignore it for the moment.
“Maybe...” William says with a small smile. He wishes he could, but he doesn't see it happening any time soon.
“Bill...” Gabe begins.
“I'm going to shower. Going to meet people for coffee in a few.”
“People?” Gabe asks, putting his socks on. He looks ridiculous doing it.
“Yeah, people. For coffee. Mikey and Spencer,” he answers, getting out of the bed. He can feel Gabe's gaze on his body. He stretches a bit for show and turns to look at Gabe.
“I really want to fuck you again,” Gabe says with a quick look at the clock. “When do you need to be there?”
“Thirty minutes,” William replies, shaking his head. “Not enough time to fuck and then shower.”
“But enough to fuck in the shower,” Gabe says with a grin.
“No way, Gabe. No fucking way.”
Gabe gives him a look. Part amused, part searching, and he begins to undress himself. “Going to jerk you off in the shower, then, Billy.”
William bites his lip to keep the moan in. Fuck, fuck, fuck...”Make it quick,” he answers and Gabe grins his victory grin. William kind of maybe hates it a bit. Or a lot.
~3~
“You're different,” Gerard says, handing his half smoked cigarette over without a word from Mikey.
Mikey takes it and nods a thanks. “Is that so?”
“Yeah.”
“Good different or bad different?” he asks, taking a deep drag. Gerard looks him over once. Not the heated gaze he gave Mikey all the years and especially last year around this time, but a good look, like he is searching for something.
“Good, I think. We'll have to wait and see, though.”
Mikey gives Gerard his cigarette back, their fingers brushing in the process, but Mikey doesn't feel the rush of hot want he felt not so long ago whenever they touched. Doesn't think about his brother's skin under his mouth and Gerard's soft gasps and hot breath against his lips. It's almost like it used to be before. Before all this crazy want and forbidden love and all that crap he has no words for, only feelings. “Frank told me he's seen you with that Panic kid?”
“Spencer,” Mikey corrects without thinking.
“He's the drummer?” Gerard asks. His brother doesn't keep track of people in bands he is not interested in.
Mikey nods. “He’s quite good.”
“You don't have to convince me of anything. You can play with whoever you want to. It's a big playground.”
“You always think no one is good enough for me except you,” Mikey replies and bites his lip a second later.
Gerard lets it slide and smiles. “I won't ever think anything else and you know it. Still, you can play with whoever you want and if that person messes you up...I'm gonna mess that fucker up.”
“Even if it's a girl?”
“Is this about Alicia and Pete?” Gerard asks suspiciously.
Mikey can't help but smile. “No, just a question.”
Gerard nods, takes a last drag and throws the butt out of the window. It looks graceful, but everything Gerard does looks graceful to his eyes. Maybe other people think differently, but he doesn't. He can't, is the thing. He's a sucker for everything Gerard. Always was. That's just his life.
“I would hit a girl, as well,” he says.
“You would hit like a girl,” Mikey replies.
“That, too, probably - still. I would fight to avenge you.”
“Good thing I won't need your help, then.”
“Let's hope for the best,” Gerard answers nodding.
Later, when he's alone in his hotel room lying on the bed, he thinks how it can be that he doesn't feel that lost anymore. He felt so fucking hollow and lost before when Gerard started to pull away. Mikey isn't even sure Gerard was aware of it. That it was his choice maybe he was just falling out of love slowly.
Mikey never thought once that what Gerard and he had would ever end, because it was so different. They were them and they were always together and always would be, because they shared the same blood, the same mother and father, the same family. They were one being at times. Gerard often told him that he only started to feel complete when Mikey was born. That he listened to Mikey's movements in their mothers womb, that he was waiting for Mikey to finally be born, to be part of his world. To be a part of him.
Them falling for each other was just a normal (in their eyes) progression of their already very close and wrapped relationship.
When Gerard started to pull away Mikey was lost and worried. You can break up with someone, but how can you break up with your brother when the love you feel is one love. Mikey couldn't separate his love for Gerard and his love for his brother, because they were one thing. Losing Gerard as a lover would mean losing Gerard as a brother, in conclusion: losing Gerard, and that wasn't something he thought he could take. He doesn't think he can take that, but he isn't afraid anymore to lose Gerard completely. Maybe Gerard isn't in love with him anymore, but Gerard still loves him, always will. It doesn't matter that Mikey doesn't feel the same yet. It doesn't matter because Mikey wants to make this shift of their relationship work. He wants to make it work because Gerard so obviously wants it to work. He doesn't try to erase all the years they had sex, were more than just brothers, Mikey knows that. He knows that, but sometimes it still feels like Gerard is trying to do exactly that.
~+~
Ryan, and Spencer knows that as surely as he knows that the sun is a fucking huge star, was never in love with him and, by the looks of it, never will be. Sometimes Spencer isn't sure Ryan can actually love someone. Oh, he is capable of falling in love with a person. Heads over heels, even, but he can't seem to manage a steady relationship with anyone he’s slept with. On that thought, Spencer is kind of glad he and Ryan never had sex. He doesn't think he could live without Ryan, or Panic, for that matter.
“So...” Brendon begins, he's playing with the hem of his shirt and not looking at Spencer. That’s never a good sign with Brendon. Spencer isn't even sure he wants to fucking know.
“What did he do this time?”
“Who?” Brendon asks.
“Brendon. Don't give me that crap. You know who. Ryan, that's who. I'm assuming we’re talking about Ryan?”
“No, I mean, yes, he didn't do anything. He just doesn't....he's different.” Brendon looks up then and Spencer hates what he sees in his eyes. Hates it because he's seen it for years in his own eyes, every time he looked into a fucking mirror when he was alone.
“Did you two have had sex?” he makes himself ask - if they did, shit is going to hit the fan and soon, but maybe Ryan was clever enough to think with his upstairs brain for a moment and didn't let it happen.
“No...” Brendon admits. He's looking away again.
“Thank fucking god,” Spencer replies. Brendon's eyes snap to Spencer's.
“What?”
“Be glad, I am. For once he thought about what the hell he's doing. He always falls hard and fast for someone and then when he's...” Spencer shuts his mouth and looks at something a bit left to Brendon's head.
“What? Spencer, what?” Brendon's voice sounds small and angry.
“He isn't capable of loving someone, you know?” Spencer says.
“He loves you,” Brendon answers.
Spencer laughs. “He loves me because he’s never slept with me. I'm like a brother to him and it's the best thing he can manage and even this, even us, he manages to fuck up somehow from time to time. Don't you get it? He loves you, that's why he doesn't sleep with you. Brendon, take this and run with it. It's the best thing you'll get.” He knows he sounds bitter, but he can't help it.
“That's what you did,” Brendon says with a strange emphasis.
Spencer nods, “Yeah,” because that's exactly what he did.
~+~
Gabe was the first guy William slept with. He wasn't a virgin by any means by then except, well, the backdoor bit. He had a rule about sleeping with people and that rule was that he only slept with people he loved (because he’s a romantic at heart). He sticks to this rule. He loves Gabe, the part that hurts is that he knows now that Gabe doesn't love him back. At least not in a 'let's adopt a puppy and buy an apartment in Chicago or New York' way. He doesn't like to face that truth, but he can't ignore it either. They aren't exclusive, they never were, or it's more like Gabe never was. William, well...he’s a fucking romantic. It hurts to be one in a world where sex is everywhere you look. Groupies and other bands and techs, good looking, hot tech girls.
William doesn't think that love and sex are the same. You can have sex without love, you can have love without sex, but he wants both. He wants to be exclusive and he wants someone who doesn't fuck around when they aren't together. Gabe doesn't even hide it, because he doesn't think he needs to. He doesn't need to, is the thing. William knew when he said yes to this that Gabe would never settle down. He knew, because Gabe sat down with him and told him, for fuck's sake, but as stated before: William is a romantic at heart. He had hoped Gabe would change his mind, his fucking heart. Gabe didn't and William doesn't know how to fall out of love with someone.
“It's easy, really,” Vicky says.
William raises an eyebrow in question. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, find someone new. Everyone new kills the feelings for the other person, the current person. You just have to let it happen,” she answers.
“Let it happen?”
“Yes, you can't just keep holding on to that destructive relationship. You have to slowly let go, let it die, disappear and let someone else in.” She takes a sip of coffee and adds: “Or be your own person for a while.”
William doesn't know how to be his own person when he's around Gabe. When he's around Gabe, he's Bilvy and Bilvy is Gabe's. “Hmmm...”
“Maybe when this all is over, maybe when you can get away for a while from all this craziness that is touring, maybe you can try to be your own person again.”
William knows what she isn't saying. What she isn't saying is this: When you get away from Gabe then you can try and be your own person again. Try to let someone else in. What she says is: learn to say no to him. He doesn't know if he can do that.
“I'll try,” he answers her and she grabs his wrist and squeezes.
“That's good enough for now.”
~4~
Two days before the tour ends the breakfast club sits down in a small coffee shop at ass o'clock. Spencer looks like he would kill anyone who should so much as look at him, William looks like he's been having sex all night long - which he probably has - and Mikey himself, well he has no idea, but he feels like he would kill for coffee. Probably looks that crazy, as well.
The waitress looks as tired and unwilling as anyone Mikey has ever seen, but she gets them coffee and muffins and William doesn't even bitch about how his has raisins in it, he just switches with Spencer who offers his blueberry-chocolate wordlessly.
“I'm feeling depressed,” William says, picking at his muffin and not really eating it.
“You shouldn't, you and Gabe fucked like bunnies last night, I'm sure,” Spencer answers. He sounds bitchy, Mikey thinks. William apparently thinks that too.
“What is it to you? And don't be a bitch about it...it was...”
“A good-bye fuck?” Spencer supplies.
“You're lucky I'm all fucked out and that you gave me your muffin or I would be in your fucking face right now,” William answers, he sounds tired instead of his usual sharp self. Mikey guesses he feels like both of them. Like this is the end of something good, something that kept them sane since they started it a few weeks ago, for the most part. Kept them away from their addictions and unhealthy obsessions. At least that's how Mikey’s feeling about the whole thing.
“I always thought you wouldn't swear,” Mikey says into the tense silence.
“What?”
“Your lyrics are so carefully crafted. Not like Gee's, who just fucking says whatever the fuck he wants like if he wouldn't he would die or explode or something. Vampires and cancer and blowing his brains out against the fucking ceiling...”
“That is so... The person on stage and the person I am are never ever the same. You of all people should know. Your brother is Gerard fucking Way.” William answers, taking a bite of his muffin.
Yeah, he thinks, his brother is Gerard fucking Way and that makes him Mikey fucking Way, Gerard's brother. Sometimes it's even enough.
He itches for a smoke suddenly, but suppresses the need to go outside and poison himself and takes a sip of his coffee instead. It's really good coffee for such a small, nondescript place.
“I will miss your coffee finding senses, Spencer Smith. They are way better than Spider-senses, way better.”
“Only to a coffee-addict like you, Michael Way,” Spencer answers. Mikey likes when Spencer uses his full name. It's not something he thought he’d miss, and he doesn't, really, but it's nice how Spencer says it, it's different, like this isn't part of him and Gerard, like this is something only he has. Which is so stupid, it's not like Gerard is ever taking anything away from Mikey. They are sharing everything and more than normal siblings do. They’re crossing lines that aren't even there in the first place.
William puts his half eaten muffin down and sighs. “I'm breaking up with Gabe today.” He doesn't say it as much as he declares it.
“You know you aren't really together, right?” Spencer answers, but he doesn't sound like a bitch about it.
“I know, I just meant that I'm not going to have sex with him in the future. I'm going to detox.”
“From Gabe?” Mikey has to ask. “You're going cold turkey?”
“Well, sex is an addiction, too.”
“You aren't addicted to sex, you are addicted to sex with Gabe,” Spencer says.
“And that's not even true. You are addicted to the idea he will love you some day back,” Mikey whispers.
“He won't, though. I know he won't, that's why I have to do this.”
Mikey nods. Spencer takes a sip of his coffee and keeps quiet as well.
~+~
William throws his bags onto the bed, goes to the bathroom, takes a piss and shower and then calls Spencer while he's making tea in his kitchen. There even is tea in one of the cupboards. He does a small victory dance in his head about that and waits for Spencer to pick up.
“I'm home,” he declares as soon as Spencer does.
“Good for you. I'm not.” Spencer sounds tired and a bit bitchy.
“Still dealing with the Brendon and Ryan situation?”
Spencer sighs. “There is no Brendon and Ryan situation. Brendon is trying... I don't know. To get over him or something and Ryan is sleeping with everyone who's interested. Do you think Pete?” he asks.
“Do I think Pete what?”
“Makes an exception for Ryan from his gay above the waist rule?” Spencer says.
William pours hot water into his mug with a tea bag and looks for sugar. Not finding any he shrugs mentally and sits down on the floor of his kitchen, back to the cupboards. “I have no idea and I really think I don't want to know, either.”
“You don't want to know?”
“Why do you want to know, Spence?” William asks. He knows the answer, but he wants Spencer to think about it.
“I...just care.”
“About Ryan, and you can, but not like that...Okay, I know I’m the last person who should say this, but you’re obsessed and he’ll never love you back.”
Spencer laughs. It sounds sharp and feral. Dangerous. “The thing is, Bill, the thing is he does love me.”
Oh, William thinks. Well, fuck. “I'm sorry,” he says.
“Whatever,” Spencer answers.
“So, what are you wearing?” William asks out of the blue. He is blowing on his tea and smiling like crazy.
Spencer nearly chokes on something when he laughs. “Seriously?”
“It's just a question. It's not my fault your mind is totally in the gutter,” William replies deadpan.
“It is, you’re the one who is always talking about sex.”
“With Gabe,” William stresses. “That is the difference. I only have sex with Gabe...well, not anymore, because I quit the whole having sex with Gabe thing for my own sanity.”
“Obviously...you called me so you wouldn't call Gabe, right?”
William takes a sip of his tea and then sighs. It might be true. “I think I did. Is that okay?”
“Can I call you when I think I'm five seconds away from murdering or fucking Ryan?” Spencer asks.
“Yes!” William answers. This is a brilliant idea.
~+~
Spencer ends the call and looks around. He kind of maybe hates airports. A lot, especially since Panic got big. He's thinking about getting a Snickers when his cell rings.
“Michael,” he says.
“I'm going mad, maybe,” Mikey answers. Spencer likes how Mikey just says things and doesn't beat around the bush. He likes how Mikey doesn't care about pleasantries, like life is too short to waste it on 'hello'.
“Frank?” Spencer asks.
“Yeah...Frank and Gee and my whole band. It's not good when you want to murder your band in their sleep, is it?”
“Been there, done that...oh wait, I didn’t do it, because you talked me out of it.”
“Right, I remember. So, talk me out of it. Tell me why I shouldn't murder my band,” Mikey answers. His voice sounds calm and soft and just nice. Spencer already misses him, more than William even.
“Because you love them all. You love these loud, smelly, creative, talented, crazy guys,” Spencer replies.
“Sometimes....sometimes I feel like-” he cuts himself off and Spencer waits, but Mikey keeps silent on the other end of the line.
“It’s possible that William will call you and ask you what you're wearing. It's totally a trap...don't answer it,” Spencer says eventually into the silence.
“He called you already?”
“I'm the man. You should know by now,” Spencer says, smiling. An elderly woman gives him a look and then winks at him. Spencer bursts out laughing.
“What?” Mikey asks.
“Nothing, really just...” and then he tells Mikey anyway before he has to hang up because his flight begins to board.
~5~
Mikey is restless all the time. He doesn’t even know why. He isn’t calling William or Spencer, but he answers every call and text from them. Gee gives him looks. The good kind, maybe. The ‘I’m your big brother, talk to me’ kind, but he can’t talk to Gee about this. He never had to talk to Gee about anything, because Gee knew. This is a whole new situation for him. For them both, really.
Gerard corners him at mom’s after dinner. He’s smoking outside and hoped mom would keep his brother occupied a bit longer, but he should have known.
“So…” Gee begins and Mikey waits. Gerard lights a cigarette, takes a deep drag, exhales, takes another one. “I have no idea what to say here,” he admits then.
“I have no idea, either. It’s nothing,” Mikey answers.
“It’s not nothing and we both know it, because we’re just that awesomely connected,” Gerard says, looking at him. Mikey takes a drag from his own cigarette. He is stalling and he knows it, Gee knows it, too, for fuck's sake he learned that one from his brother. He exhales and sighs. They never had to talk about how they felt or what something meant. Mikey always knew and he's sure Gerard did as well.
“Other people aren't you,” he settles on.
Gerard nods like Mikey makes perfect sense and the thing is that he does make perfect sense to his brother.
“And they'll never be and you don't know what to do,” Gerard answers.
Mikey gives him a look. “Wow, are you obvious right now.”
“Oh, shut the hell up. I'm being your big brother right now,” Gerard says laughing. Small clouds of smoke leaving his parted lips. Mikey really wants to kiss him, so he leans in and just does it. Gerard turns into it, hums in appreciation.
“You'll always be my big brother,” he replies softly after ending the kiss.
They finish their smokes in silence.
~+~
William is bored out of his fucking mind, he knows because he’s searching the net for pictures of Gabe - which just can’t be healthy. Not if it isn’t for the shit and giggles, the ‘omg, what the hell where you thinking’ kind. This is not that kind, it’s more of the ‘I’m kind of being creepy because I miss your stupid face’ kind. He shuts his laptop and sighs. He could call. He could. There is nothing wrong with calling your friends. Yeah, right. He grabs his cell and types a short message to Mikey instead. He misses Mikey, too, he misses them making him feel sane and not like he’s waiting for his next Gabe fix.
“I’m going crazy in a not good very bad way,” he says after Mikey’s sleepily mumbled hello.
“I’m listening…I think. I’m really tired. Just rant and maybe I won’t fall asleep on you,” he answers.
“I miss your stupid face,” William replies. He’s smiling.
Mikey yawns. “I need some coffee…”
“I’ll hold the line,” William answers.
Mikey laughs. It sounds warm, if a laugh can sound warm, Mikey’s sleepy laugh did just that.
“Spencer misses your stupid face too and he is going crazy as well at home. His sisters are driving him insane, that’s what he said,” Mikey says and William bursts out laughing. “Hey…I didn’t mean it like that and you know it.”
“I know. I just have a very dirty mind.”
“Gabe corrupts everyone,” Mikey answers. His voice sounds serious. William kind of wants to ask about him and Gabe, but he doesn’t. He hasn’t brought it up since the first time they met. Sometimes he really doesn’t want to know if Gabe made Mikey gasp the same way he does with him.
“I doubt that Spencer would ever fall for Gabe’s charm.”
“That’s because Spencer is smart, not like the rest of us mortals.”
“You are so strange, Mikey Way,” William answers. Mikey keeps quite on the other side of the line. “It’s not a bad thing,” William adds softly. “I like it.” What he doesn’t say, because he doesn’t think he can or that he’s ready or that Mikey’s ready to hear it is: I like you.
”Tell me what you found while you were stalking Gabe on the internet this morning,” Mikey answers and William doesn’t even wonder how he knew that. Mikey Way is just that kind of unique snowflake.
~+~
Spencer is sure one more day with his family and Ryan just next door like before they were rich and famous and he’ll be ready to kill them all, except maybe his mom. She was and will always be awesome.
So when he gets the text from William to come to Chicago because he is obsessively stalking Gabe again, he throws a few items of clothing into his bag and buys a ticket online. He leaves Ryan a message, but doesn’t call. He just doesn’t think he could take Ryan’s shit right now.
~6~
William is sprawled on his couch and kind of drunk. He is waving his bottle of Jack in one hand to illustrated the point while Mikey nods earnestly, taking a drag of his cigarette. Spencer shakes his head lightly and they give him a look. He bites into his nearly cold slice of pizza, chews and says: “No way in hell.”
“You were listening?” William’s voice sounds surprised.
Spencer rolls his eyes. “Yes, William, I was listening. You are drunk and should shut up now before you say something you might regret.”
“I told Mikey everything the first time we met because I was drunk. I don’t regret it.”
“You were freaking out on me the morning after,” Mikey throws in, taking another drag.
“Traitor,” William mumbles. He puts the bottle on the floor and stretches. His shirt rides up and Spencer can see some bruises on his hip.
“What did you do?” he asks, there is something in his stomach that twists and curls, a bit like jealousy.
William pulls his shirt down and bites his lip. Spencer gives him a look. Mikey keeps quiet. “It’s not what you think, okay? I did not cave like a cavy thing that caves…” he starts and Mikey laughs softly.
Spencer gives him a look.
“What? It was kind of funny?”
Spencer sighs. “What is it then?” he wants to know.
“I just can’t let it go,” William confesses, stroking the bruises around his hip.
“You’re digging your own fingers in to keep the shape,” Mikey says softly. William nods.
Something about the way how Mikey says it lets Spencer’s alarm bells ring. Like he’s been there and done exactly that. Spencer was never that obsessive, but then he never had any bruises to trace except those on Ryan’s body and he was very carefully with those. Always.
“That’s not letting go of your obsession,” Spencer observes.
“Thank you, mister obvious,” William sighs reaching for the bottle.
Spencer has no idea what the hell he can say to that. He feels a bit helpless.
“At least he’s not sleeping with Gabe,” Mikey throws in. Spencer gives him a look. “I count the small victories.” Mikey adds, shrugging.
“Well…now that you’re here, maybe I’ll stop doing it.”
“You’re still stalking him,” Spencer points out.
“But not for hours,” Mikey says.
Spencer feels like he can’t win this argument, so he grabs the bottle from William’s hands and takes a swig.
~+~
Mikey wakes up with his face in Spencer’s t-shirt. It smells like whisky and his head really doesn’t like it. He shifts and falls from the couch they fell asleep on. This thing is really too small for three guys, especially when two of them are him and William. One look tells him that William is curled around Spencer’s other side. One arm thrown over his middle. He sits up, carefully and then gets up. He needs to piss and a shower and coffee and maybe he needs the coffee more than the shower right now.
The most ridiculous thing is that William doesn’t have any coffee in his kitchen - he forgot that, again. Mikey is kind of horrified. It’s unnatural to not have any coffee in the house.
He showers, then puts some clean-ish clothes on and goes out in search for coffee.
When he comes back an hour or so later he has muffins and coffee and William is looking at him like he might be the messiah. Mikey can hear the shower running so he doesn’t ask where Spencer is.
“You’re wearing my shirt,” William points out.
“Oh, hey…hmm…” Mikey answers intelligently.
“No big deal. Just letting you know.”
“You need to buy coffee, I don’t want to have to brave the weather and air outside every fucking morning,” Mikey says, handing the bag with the muffins over to William.
“Did you get some for Spencer too?”
“Yeah,” Mikey replies, following Bill into the kitchen. He sits down with his coffee and watches William prepare tea. It smells good, kind of spicy.
Spencer emerges from the shower some ten minutes later. His hair is wet and messy, leaving stains on his green shirt.
“God bless you, Mikey Way,” he says sitting down at the table. He grabs a paper cup and makes a face.
“I know, it’s getting cold.”
“I could heat it up for you”, William says. Mikey gives him a horrified look. “Or not.” He hands Spencer one of the muffins and drinks his tea with a small smile hiding behind his mug.
Mikey already feels a lot better than he did earlier this morning.
~+~
William isn’t blind, is the thing. He’s much more observant than people give him credit for. He knows that something’s up with Mikey. He knows it because he spent weeks studying him. And now he has Mikey in his personal space 24/7. Mikey always gets kind of quiet when they’re talking about their obsessions, or to be honest, it’s mostly William who is talking, Spencer is ranting sometimes about Ryan and how Ryan always messes things up. William thinks that Spencer is on his way to let this whole thing with Ryan go. Good for him; he always was smarter than the rest of them.
Mikey’s sitting in the kitchen on the floor, his back against the counter, talking quietly to his brother. His face always lights up when he’s talking to Gerard and they’re talking every fucking day. He gets it, he has a sister he’s close with, but not that close. He doesn’t have to call her every day to let her know…well, whatever Mikey is letting Gerard know.
~7~
“Do you think…” he takes a sip of tea to calm his nerves a bit and Spencer gives him an impatient look.
“Do I think what? Because I can’t read minds.”
“I bet you can read Ryan’s…” William answers.
Spencer sighs. “Because I’ve known him my whole life, that doesn’t count. I bet Mikey can do that with Gerard, as well.”
William takes a deep breath. “About that…” he begins and stops. He has no idea how to breach this subject. It’s not something you talk about and he knows he can’t ask Mikey.
“Okay, what the heck is it, William?” Spencer asks, but he sounds curious, not irritated.
“Do you think Gerard and Mikey are too close?” He says it all in a rush before he can talk himself out of it.
“For siblings?” Spencer asks carefully. Not an ounce of judgement in his voice.
William nods and wonders if maybe Spencer was thinking about it too. “I don’t know, every relationship is different. You should know that. You’re close with your sister, too, you kind of look the same, even.”
“That’s why I think I’m going to cut my hair,” William throws in. And because he knows Gabe loves to tangle his fingers in it when William blows him.
“Don’t digress,” Spencer tells him.
“I’m not. I was just wondering. I mean, he’s on the phone with Gerard every day and his face…looks kind of serene when he talks to his brother. Like he’s home.”
“William…”
“And it’s in the way they touch.”
“They’re the Ways,” Spencer answers. William gives him a look, but lets it go.
~+~
So, Spencer can’t not think about it now. Thanks to William fucking Beckett he’s wondering, too. It’s true that there’s something about Mikey and Gerard that maybe just doesn’t sit right. Not in a bad way. It’s just strange.
Spencer has no idea how to ask about it. None at all. So he doesn’t ask and just keeps thinking and wondering whenever Mikey speaks to Gerard on the phone. Looks at him and thinks that Mikey really looks beautiful like this. Like he knows he’s loved no matter what.
~+~
“Spencer is giving me looks,” Mikey says.
“What kind of looks?” Gerard wants to know. Mikey can hear him exhale smoke.
“I don’t know, like he’s looking for something. That kind of looks…Gee?”
“Yeah?”
“I…I have no idea what the hell I’m doing here. William asked to come and I just did. I never just…what the hell am I doing here?”
“Getting away from us,” Gerard states.
“I don’t want to get away from you.”
“That’s not what I said. I think you like him,” Gerard answers.
“William or Spencer?”
Gerard laughs. It’s his surprised laugh. The one when he just discovered something. “Both, I think.”
“Oh…” Mikey says.
“Oh, indeed.”
“You sound like a cartoon douche bag….”
“That was my Doctor Who impression.”
“Your impressions suck,” Mikey answers.
“You suck.”
“Yeah,” Mikey says with a soft laugh. “Yeah, I do.”
Gerard chokes on smoke on the other end of the line. “Now I’m going to think about your mouth while jerking off…” he says.
“Mission accomplished, then.”
“You’re a jerk.”
“You love me,” Mikey says without a second of hesitation.
“Yeah, I do.”
Mikey keeps silent and listens to his brother smoke on the other end of the line until he’s ready to hang up.
~8~
Spencer calls it a hiatus, but everyone knows what that means.
“I’m not worried yet,” Spencer says, stubbornly.
“Okay,” Mikey answers, he’s handing Spencer a sandwich and then making one for William. William has no idea when his apartment became kind of theirs, but he doesn’t mind and he hasn’t stalked Gabe on the internet or the phone for five days now. Things are looking up. Except for the whole Panic split up thing, of course.
“I thought I knew him,” Spencer says, angrily. “I honestly thought I knew him and he…he wants to leave the band!”
What he means is, William knows, ‘he wants to leave me’. Because it was Spencer and Ryan in the beginning. SpencerandRyan. They were the core. Spencer was keeping them sane and with at least one foot on the ground when things started to get crazy with Panic. The thing with Brent, then Jon and now Ryan is thinking about leaving the band.
“He’ll come around,” William says.
Spencer gives him a look. “I wish you wouldn’t try to cheer me the fuck up!” he explodes.
William bites into his sandwich and doesn’t get in his face. He knows that Spencer can be a bitch and this is serious business. He bets he was a bitch, too, when the whole thing with Tom happened. Well, he knows he was a bitch then.
Mikey is a calm and steady rock. William admires him for it.
~+~
Mikey is pretty sure Panic is not going to make it out alive, or something.
“He’s taking Jon with him,” Spencer announces a week after he first told them about Ryan’s plans. Mikey wonders why Spencer is still here. Here at William’s instead of being in Vegas with Ryan and Jon and Brendon to try and sort things out.
“And Brendon?” William asks, his voice carefully neutral.
“Brendon is not going with them. I don’t know if he…I…he’s leaving us.” Spencer says helplessly and William hugs him on impulse. Spencer doesn’t even fight him. “He’s leaving the people he loves,” he adds softly and William hugs him tighter.
That’s why, Mikey realizes, that’s why Spencer is here and not in Vegas. There is nothing there in Vegas anymore. Ryan is leaving them and he’s not coming back.
~+~
“I’m keeping the name and I’m putting in the exclamation mark back in” Spencer declares the next day over breakfast. He knows he looks like shit because he couldn’t sleep at all. It helped that William let him sleep in his bed and that Mikey was there, too. He doesn’t want to think about this too deeply because that would only make life more complicated and he just lost half of his band.
“Is this some symbolic act of ‘fuck you’?” Mikey asks.
Spencer nods. It’s exactly that.
“Okay. I think Ryan will be pissed about it,” William says.
“I hope he’ll be pissed about it,” Spencer answers, taking a sip of tea. Mikey overslept and no one was out for coffee.
Mikey stares into his mug and sighs. “I miss coffee. Can we get coffee now, please?”
“You and your brother are so addicted…” William says and Spencer feels Mikey tense up for a second.
“Coffee is life,” he replies, earnestly.
“In your world…sure,” William smiles.
“Can we get coffee now?”
“I want a pastry with it, or two. I feel like eating a lot of sugar today,” Spencer says, because he does feel like eating a lot of sugar today.
next
Author: creepylicious/alles_luege
Pairing: William/Gabe, Mikey/Gerard, Mikey/Spencer/William, Gerard/William
Rating: R
Summary: William is quitting having sex with Gabe for his own sanity, Spencer finds himself in the middle of an unusual breakfast-club, Mikey is hiding secrets from his friends and Gerard is seducing everyone. This is a story about trying to let go of something that doesn't work and opening up to something new, no matter how unusual it looks.
“I will miss your coffee finding senses, Spencer Smith. They are way better than Spider-senses, way better.”
“Only to a coffee-addict like you, Michael Way,” Spencer answers. Mikey likes when Spencer uses his full name. It's not something he thought he’d miss, and he doesn't, really, but it's nice how Spencer says it, it's different, like this isn't part of him and Gerard, like this is something only he has. Which is so stupid, it's not like Gerard is ever taking anything away from Mikey. They are sharing everything and more than normal siblings do. They’re crossing lines that aren't even there in the first place.
William puts his half eaten muffin down and sighs. “I'm breaking up with Gabe today.” He doesn't say it as much as he declares it.
“You know you aren't really together, right?” Spencer answers, but he doesn't sound like a bitch about it.
“I know, I just meant that I'm not going to have sex with him in the future. I'm going to detox.”
“From Gabe?” Mikey has to ask. “You're going cold turkey?”
“Well, sex is an addiction, too.”
“You aren't addicted to sex, you are addicted to sex with Gabe,” Spencer says.
“And that's not even true. You are addicted to the idea he will love you some day back,” Mikey whispers.
“He won't, though. I know he won't, that's why I have to do this.”
Warning(s): threesome, sex, incest
Author’s Notes: Thanks to my mixer. OMG, guys check it out even if this story isn't your cup of tea! Also big thanks to tygermine (you know why) and theplumtomato for the beta.
MIX by pikasafire
Title: Paramore
Word Count: 17.149
Beta: theplumtomato
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
~Prologue~
William
William knows he fell head over heels for Gabe the first time they kissed. William never forgot that first kiss, but he knows Gabe did. Saporta was so fucking drunk that night. Gabe couldn't remember the next day and if it weren't on the internet for the whole world to see, William is pretty sure Gabe would've called bullshit on that one. Fact of life is that there’s photographic evidence of that kiss, so Gabe couldn't talk his way out of it. He tried. William was irritated by it, but he could understand, he was so young back then. He made so many excuses for Gabe's behaviour. He still does...
Mikey
It's not distance he's feeling, because he never felt distant from Gerard. Gerard was always there, will be, is even now, but it still feels like something is slowly ending and nothing Mikey would, could do would be able to stop it.
When he looks at Gerard he knows Gerard is feeling it, too - but Gerard doesn't seem to be scared by it. He seems kind of excited.
Mikey is scared. He’s scared like he never was before.
Spencer
Spencer and Ryan only shared one kiss and neither of them were drunk. Ryan was curious and Spencer was a sucker for everything Ryan - still is, when he's being honest. He tries not to be a sucker for everything Ryan, but it's harder than it seems. He can see it all around him, everyone is a sucker for Ryan at some point in their lives, it's fucking ridiculous is what it is. There’s something about Ryan that just makes people care, take an interest and then try to worm their ways into his heart just to break it.
Spencer could never, would never break his heart, but he knows it’s because Ryan would never let him that far in in the first place.
~1~
~+~
Mikey has no idea who William Beckett is until Gabe introduces them to each other. Mikey knows Gabe and he knows that Gabe only introduces them to each other on this particular night because he wants to get laid and William might be cock-blocking him. The thing is, Gabe really likes William, but he is not in love. Gabe doesn't do love, doesn't do relationships. He does friendships and hook ups and friends with benefits. Mikey knows all that and he’s sure Gabe tried at least to make William see things his way, but apparently it didn't do him any good.
“I'm leaving you two to talk about...whatever. I have a thing to do,” Gabe says, grinning.
“And by 'thing' you mean someone,” Mikey answers. He feels William go tense for a few seconds, before he takes a swig of the Jack he's holding. The bottle is nearly empty and Mikey hopes he didn't drink all of it alone. He can deal with alcoholics, but he doesn't want to. He’s here because Gabe is fun and makes him think about a lot of things and not about Gerard. Not that he can get away from his brother or wants to. He could never get away from Gerard and he doesn't want to - but he feels like they’re breaking up, breaking apart.
“Well...hell, I hope so!” Gabe replies and leaves them.
“So...you're in a band?” Mikey asks.
William sighs. “Yeah, I'm a singer.”
“Of course you’re a singer. Gabe likes singers.”
“Gabe likes the pretty ones. Did you two fuck?” William asks, and it sounds kind of wrong from William's lips. Maybe it's the face, but Mikey didn't think William would ask it like that.
“Did you?”
“We do,” William says. He says it like he has a right to Gabe. Mikey pities him. He doesn't pity people often, but this is such a fucking hopeless case of love. These things never end well.
“We did, back when I wasn't famous and he was Gabe Saporta of Midtown,” Mikey replies, and holds out his hand for the bottle of Jack. William takes another swig and hands it over. “You know that this thing you have is only a thing, right?” Mikey adds.
William keeps quite for a long time. Mikey turns his head to look at him. His eyes are closed, his breathing regular and soft. He looks pretty, Mikey thinks.
“Yeah, I know.”
“You're hoping things will change, but they won't,” Mikey says. He doesn't say it to be cruel, he says it because it's the truth. He's seen this before.
“You can't know that!” William replies hotly.
“No, I can't know that for sure...” Mikey admits, but knows William gets what he doesn't say.
“I wish I could just fall out of love with him,” William says softly and Mikey is pretty sure he will hate himself in the morning, if he remembers it at all, that he said it. That he shared this with a total stranger. Mikey nods and says nothing. What is there to say, anyway? You can't just decide to not be in love anymore. He wishes it was that fucking easy.
He falls asleep on the couch curled around William Beckett for the first time that night.
~+~
William wakes up with someone curled around him and for an insane second he thinks that maybe it's Gabe, but Gabe usually doesn't fall asleep with him after sex. Sometimes they fall asleep together when they’re too drunk to get up and separate. But they only fuck when they're sober. William has a suspicion why it's so important for Gabe to be sober, but he doesn't want to think about it now. The body beside him is too bony to be Gabe's anyway. He turns his head a bit so he can assess the situation and then it all comes back. Well, not all of it - but enough that he feels like running away, hiding somewhere or throwing up. Gabe left him with Mikey fucking Way and he spilled all his secrets. So atypical of him.
“Don't freak out on me before I’ve had coffee, okay?” Mikey mumbles into William's shoulder.
William can't help it, he smiles. “Okay...but after I’ll freak out on you big time.”
“I think I will be able to deal by then. Can we sleep a bit more now?” he asks.
“Yeah.”
~+~
Spencer drums his fingers impatiently on the table and tries not to be irritated by Academy's singer. William should have met him here fifteen minutes ago. Spencer knows William and knows that William is often late if there was a party somewhere - and let's face it, there’s always a party somewhere when you're on tour.
He takes out his phone and waits.
“‘ello?” a tired voice asks.
“Beckett?” Spencer wants to know, because the voice sounds groggy, but not really like William.
“Uhmm...no, he's showering? I think...”
“Okay...” Spencer says and doesn't know if he wants to know. “And you are?”
“Oh, hey, this is Mikey,” the voice says.
“As in?” Spencer hates it that people assume he knows everyone by their first name. How many Mikeys, Mikes, Michaels are there on tour right the fuck now anyway?
“Way. Mikey Way. Uhmm... I'm with My Chemical Romance.”
“I know who you are, fuck...” Spencer says. He never in a million years thought he would have a phone conversation with Mikey fucking Way from My fucking Chemical Romance at ass o'clock in the morning because William fucking Beckett didn't show up for breakfast, coffee, whatever.
“You wanna wait for him to finish? Or d’you wanna call back? We're going out for coffee...” Mikey says, he still sounds sleepy.
“I have coffee, I'm at this small diner where he should have met me like 20 minutes ago,” Spencer replies, a bit irritated. It was a bad night and a worse morning for Spencer. Ryan and Brendon have a thing going on and Spencer can't see them together, can't see them giggle and being all...them. He can't stand Jon, either, right now. He thinks he hates his band. “I think I hate my band....” he sighs and face palms himself mentally a second later.
“Dude, happens to all of us. At least you aren't in one with your brother,” Mikey answers. “How good is the coffee where you are?” he adds.
“Uhmmm...okay. I think. They have pancakes, too,” Spencer says, he feels a bit confused by all this, to put it mildly.
“Text me the directions? Or does William know where it is? He does, doesn't he, you were supposed to meet there. Okay, wait for us?” he asks.
“Yeah, sure. Hurry up.” Spencer replies and waits for Mikey to agree before he hangs up. He wants to call Ryan and tell him all about this conversation, but then he thinks about how irritated he is by Ryan right the fuck now and puts his phone away.
~2~
Mikey looks rumpled when he sits down at the table and William looks fucking fantastic, like always. That freak, Spencer thinks. This is the fourth time the three of them are meeting for breakfast since that first time when William just forgot to show up and Spencer had to call him and got Mikey instead.
“Coffee,” Mikey says to the waitress and she nods. Spencer already ordered for himself and now they're waiting for William to choose. William always takes forever to choose something. “Will’ll take a while...” Mikey says to the waitress.
“Okay, I'll come back by later then,” she smiles at him and leaves.
“Gee is wondering where I spend my mornings and where I get all the good coffee from,” he throws in.
Spencer looks up. “You didn't tell him that you formed a breakfast club on your own?”
“Funny....”
“It kind of is. I think I'm taking the chai and a blueberry muffin.”
“I hate to break it to you, but you always take the chai and a muffin.” Spencer says.
“It's blueberry this time and chai always tastes different in different places,” William declares with a finality that dares anyone to argue with him. It reminds Spencer of how Mikey sends particularly vicious texts. Hitting the send button like it's a mission, like it will get his point across faster. It's kind of strange, he thinks, that he knows these things after such a short time.
The waitress comes back with their coffee and takes William's order. He smiles at her and she smiles back like she means it. Everyone falls for William Beckett. It's the looks, he said once. Maybe, but Spencer really isn't sure.
“This is great coffee. You have a gift for finding excellent coffee, Spencer Smith. I'm declaring you my favourite friend.”
“Wow, that hurt exceptionally.” William says with a soft smile.
Mikey waves it away with a: “I love you, too, just for other reasons.”
“If this is going into blow-job territory I don't want to know,” Spencer says.
William and Mikey give him a look. “Dude! No, we know we have reputations, but it's not all about sex, you know?” Mikey answers.
Spencer feels half ashamed and half relieved. He doesn't know where the relief comes from, maybe it's because sex seems to fuck stuff up between people. Not that it was sex that fucked up Ryan and him. It was Ryan and Brendon, or just the fact that Ryan doesn't like him like Spencer likes Ryan. The simple fact, that Ryan doesn't fucking love him back.
Spencer nods and doesn't apologize. He doesn't have to, he knows that, he doesn't know why he knows it, but he does anyway.
~+~
William talks about Gabe all the time when they’re drunk. All the time. It seems like he can only address the issue when he's drunk and only to him and Spencer. He cradles the bottle of Jack and his eyes are closed.
“He’s just so fucking...” he waves a hand and the liquid in the bottle sloshes around making a soft sound against the glass walls.
“Gabe?” Mikey supplies.
“Yes! Gabe. He kissed me and he forgot all about it the next day. There is a picture of him doing it, so he couldn't talk his way out of it. I know he likes me, I know he loves to fuck me, I know...” he shuts his mouth and takes another sip of the whisky.
Mikey knows how that sentence ends, he finished it a few times in his head over the last few weeks. It ends with: he doesn't love me, or a variation of it.
Mikey nods. “I know.”
“You're lucky you're not in love with anyone. Never fall in love with anyone, Mikey Way, never. It only hurts. All the fucking time.”
Spencer on the other side of him nods and William hands him the bottle.
Mikey bites his bottom lip and keeps quite. It's hard enough to deal with all this on his own, but he doesn't think he can ever talk about it. It's too complicated and too fucked up. He’s a whole other kind of freak.
“I still hate my band...” Spencer throws in.
“Still Brendon and Ryan?”
“When I'm being honest, it's only Ryan. He and Brendon don't...whatever they were doing the last few weeks and now Brendon is mopping around and Ryan isn't even there when he can get away with it.”
“I saw him a few days ago with this tech girl, the good looking one....what's her name again?” William asks.
“Alicia. Pete's into her, too.” Mikey replies.
“Brilliant! I love tours with the whole fucking label, it's like an incest-fest!” Spencer says sharply and Mikey suppresses the urge to flinch or run away.
“Hand over the bottle,” he says instead, and Spencer does.
~+~
William is staring at the ceiling, sweat cooling on his skin and feeling sore and used - in a good way, mostly. Gabe is puttering around and looking for his clothes. William is listening to his own breathing. Counting the inhales and exhales and trying to stay calm. It’d worked before. The sex is always fucking excellent. Maybe that's why he can't just stop, can't say no to Gabe. Maybe, you can't say no to Gabe because you're still fucking hoping for him to change his fucking mind, a voice in his head that sounds suspiciously like Spencer when he's on his way to get really drunk (that's when he gets mean and cutting) says. William has no idea when his inner voice began sounding like Panic's drummer. Well, fuck.
“Hey, Bill, did you see my other sock?” Gabe asks and William turns to look at him. He's in his boxers and jeans, tearing his shirt over his head. His hair a mess. One sock in his hand, the other in the pocket of his pants. William has no idea at all how it got there.
“Your pocket,” he says and Gabe pats his pants until he finds it.
“How the hell did it get there in the first place anyway?” he grins at William and William smiles back, shaking his head.
“I have no idea,” he answers.
“Doesn't matter. Hey, are you gonna sing with me tonight?” Gabe asks, he asks every fucking time and William hasn’t said no once yet.
“You don't have to ask.”
“I'm not taking anything for granted. Maybe one day you’ll get your mind back and tell me to go fuck myself,” Gabe replies. There is subtext there, but William chooses to ignore it for the moment.
“Maybe...” William says with a small smile. He wishes he could, but he doesn't see it happening any time soon.
“Bill...” Gabe begins.
“I'm going to shower. Going to meet people for coffee in a few.”
“People?” Gabe asks, putting his socks on. He looks ridiculous doing it.
“Yeah, people. For coffee. Mikey and Spencer,” he answers, getting out of the bed. He can feel Gabe's gaze on his body. He stretches a bit for show and turns to look at Gabe.
“I really want to fuck you again,” Gabe says with a quick look at the clock. “When do you need to be there?”
“Thirty minutes,” William replies, shaking his head. “Not enough time to fuck and then shower.”
“But enough to fuck in the shower,” Gabe says with a grin.
“No way, Gabe. No fucking way.”
Gabe gives him a look. Part amused, part searching, and he begins to undress himself. “Going to jerk you off in the shower, then, Billy.”
William bites his lip to keep the moan in. Fuck, fuck, fuck...”Make it quick,” he answers and Gabe grins his victory grin. William kind of maybe hates it a bit. Or a lot.
~3~
“You're different,” Gerard says, handing his half smoked cigarette over without a word from Mikey.
Mikey takes it and nods a thanks. “Is that so?”
“Yeah.”
“Good different or bad different?” he asks, taking a deep drag. Gerard looks him over once. Not the heated gaze he gave Mikey all the years and especially last year around this time, but a good look, like he is searching for something.
“Good, I think. We'll have to wait and see, though.”
Mikey gives Gerard his cigarette back, their fingers brushing in the process, but Mikey doesn't feel the rush of hot want he felt not so long ago whenever they touched. Doesn't think about his brother's skin under his mouth and Gerard's soft gasps and hot breath against his lips. It's almost like it used to be before. Before all this crazy want and forbidden love and all that crap he has no words for, only feelings. “Frank told me he's seen you with that Panic kid?”
“Spencer,” Mikey corrects without thinking.
“He's the drummer?” Gerard asks. His brother doesn't keep track of people in bands he is not interested in.
Mikey nods. “He’s quite good.”
“You don't have to convince me of anything. You can play with whoever you want to. It's a big playground.”
“You always think no one is good enough for me except you,” Mikey replies and bites his lip a second later.
Gerard lets it slide and smiles. “I won't ever think anything else and you know it. Still, you can play with whoever you want and if that person messes you up...I'm gonna mess that fucker up.”
“Even if it's a girl?”
“Is this about Alicia and Pete?” Gerard asks suspiciously.
Mikey can't help but smile. “No, just a question.”
Gerard nods, takes a last drag and throws the butt out of the window. It looks graceful, but everything Gerard does looks graceful to his eyes. Maybe other people think differently, but he doesn't. He can't, is the thing. He's a sucker for everything Gerard. Always was. That's just his life.
“I would hit a girl, as well,” he says.
“You would hit like a girl,” Mikey replies.
“That, too, probably - still. I would fight to avenge you.”
“Good thing I won't need your help, then.”
“Let's hope for the best,” Gerard answers nodding.
Later, when he's alone in his hotel room lying on the bed, he thinks how it can be that he doesn't feel that lost anymore. He felt so fucking hollow and lost before when Gerard started to pull away. Mikey isn't even sure Gerard was aware of it. That it was his choice maybe he was just falling out of love slowly.
Mikey never thought once that what Gerard and he had would ever end, because it was so different. They were them and they were always together and always would be, because they shared the same blood, the same mother and father, the same family. They were one being at times. Gerard often told him that he only started to feel complete when Mikey was born. That he listened to Mikey's movements in their mothers womb, that he was waiting for Mikey to finally be born, to be part of his world. To be a part of him.
Them falling for each other was just a normal (in their eyes) progression of their already very close and wrapped relationship.
When Gerard started to pull away Mikey was lost and worried. You can break up with someone, but how can you break up with your brother when the love you feel is one love. Mikey couldn't separate his love for Gerard and his love for his brother, because they were one thing. Losing Gerard as a lover would mean losing Gerard as a brother, in conclusion: losing Gerard, and that wasn't something he thought he could take. He doesn't think he can take that, but he isn't afraid anymore to lose Gerard completely. Maybe Gerard isn't in love with him anymore, but Gerard still loves him, always will. It doesn't matter that Mikey doesn't feel the same yet. It doesn't matter because Mikey wants to make this shift of their relationship work. He wants to make it work because Gerard so obviously wants it to work. He doesn't try to erase all the years they had sex, were more than just brothers, Mikey knows that. He knows that, but sometimes it still feels like Gerard is trying to do exactly that.
~+~
Ryan, and Spencer knows that as surely as he knows that the sun is a fucking huge star, was never in love with him and, by the looks of it, never will be. Sometimes Spencer isn't sure Ryan can actually love someone. Oh, he is capable of falling in love with a person. Heads over heels, even, but he can't seem to manage a steady relationship with anyone he’s slept with. On that thought, Spencer is kind of glad he and Ryan never had sex. He doesn't think he could live without Ryan, or Panic, for that matter.
“So...” Brendon begins, he's playing with the hem of his shirt and not looking at Spencer. That’s never a good sign with Brendon. Spencer isn't even sure he wants to fucking know.
“What did he do this time?”
“Who?” Brendon asks.
“Brendon. Don't give me that crap. You know who. Ryan, that's who. I'm assuming we’re talking about Ryan?”
“No, I mean, yes, he didn't do anything. He just doesn't....he's different.” Brendon looks up then and Spencer hates what he sees in his eyes. Hates it because he's seen it for years in his own eyes, every time he looked into a fucking mirror when he was alone.
“Did you two have had sex?” he makes himself ask - if they did, shit is going to hit the fan and soon, but maybe Ryan was clever enough to think with his upstairs brain for a moment and didn't let it happen.
“No...” Brendon admits. He's looking away again.
“Thank fucking god,” Spencer replies. Brendon's eyes snap to Spencer's.
“What?”
“Be glad, I am. For once he thought about what the hell he's doing. He always falls hard and fast for someone and then when he's...” Spencer shuts his mouth and looks at something a bit left to Brendon's head.
“What? Spencer, what?” Brendon's voice sounds small and angry.
“He isn't capable of loving someone, you know?” Spencer says.
“He loves you,” Brendon answers.
Spencer laughs. “He loves me because he’s never slept with me. I'm like a brother to him and it's the best thing he can manage and even this, even us, he manages to fuck up somehow from time to time. Don't you get it? He loves you, that's why he doesn't sleep with you. Brendon, take this and run with it. It's the best thing you'll get.” He knows he sounds bitter, but he can't help it.
“That's what you did,” Brendon says with a strange emphasis.
Spencer nods, “Yeah,” because that's exactly what he did.
~+~
Gabe was the first guy William slept with. He wasn't a virgin by any means by then except, well, the backdoor bit. He had a rule about sleeping with people and that rule was that he only slept with people he loved (because he’s a romantic at heart). He sticks to this rule. He loves Gabe, the part that hurts is that he knows now that Gabe doesn't love him back. At least not in a 'let's adopt a puppy and buy an apartment in Chicago or New York' way. He doesn't like to face that truth, but he can't ignore it either. They aren't exclusive, they never were, or it's more like Gabe never was. William, well...he’s a fucking romantic. It hurts to be one in a world where sex is everywhere you look. Groupies and other bands and techs, good looking, hot tech girls.
William doesn't think that love and sex are the same. You can have sex without love, you can have love without sex, but he wants both. He wants to be exclusive and he wants someone who doesn't fuck around when they aren't together. Gabe doesn't even hide it, because he doesn't think he needs to. He doesn't need to, is the thing. William knew when he said yes to this that Gabe would never settle down. He knew, because Gabe sat down with him and told him, for fuck's sake, but as stated before: William is a romantic at heart. He had hoped Gabe would change his mind, his fucking heart. Gabe didn't and William doesn't know how to fall out of love with someone.
“It's easy, really,” Vicky says.
William raises an eyebrow in question. “Yeah?”
“Yeah, find someone new. Everyone new kills the feelings for the other person, the current person. You just have to let it happen,” she answers.
“Let it happen?”
“Yes, you can't just keep holding on to that destructive relationship. You have to slowly let go, let it die, disappear and let someone else in.” She takes a sip of coffee and adds: “Or be your own person for a while.”
William doesn't know how to be his own person when he's around Gabe. When he's around Gabe, he's Bilvy and Bilvy is Gabe's. “Hmmm...”
“Maybe when this all is over, maybe when you can get away for a while from all this craziness that is touring, maybe you can try to be your own person again.”
William knows what she isn't saying. What she isn't saying is this: When you get away from Gabe then you can try and be your own person again. Try to let someone else in. What she says is: learn to say no to him. He doesn't know if he can do that.
“I'll try,” he answers her and she grabs his wrist and squeezes.
“That's good enough for now.”
~4~
Two days before the tour ends the breakfast club sits down in a small coffee shop at ass o'clock. Spencer looks like he would kill anyone who should so much as look at him, William looks like he's been having sex all night long - which he probably has - and Mikey himself, well he has no idea, but he feels like he would kill for coffee. Probably looks that crazy, as well.
The waitress looks as tired and unwilling as anyone Mikey has ever seen, but she gets them coffee and muffins and William doesn't even bitch about how his has raisins in it, he just switches with Spencer who offers his blueberry-chocolate wordlessly.
“I'm feeling depressed,” William says, picking at his muffin and not really eating it.
“You shouldn't, you and Gabe fucked like bunnies last night, I'm sure,” Spencer answers. He sounds bitchy, Mikey thinks. William apparently thinks that too.
“What is it to you? And don't be a bitch about it...it was...”
“A good-bye fuck?” Spencer supplies.
“You're lucky I'm all fucked out and that you gave me your muffin or I would be in your fucking face right now,” William answers, he sounds tired instead of his usual sharp self. Mikey guesses he feels like both of them. Like this is the end of something good, something that kept them sane since they started it a few weeks ago, for the most part. Kept them away from their addictions and unhealthy obsessions. At least that's how Mikey’s feeling about the whole thing.
“I always thought you wouldn't swear,” Mikey says into the tense silence.
“What?”
“Your lyrics are so carefully crafted. Not like Gee's, who just fucking says whatever the fuck he wants like if he wouldn't he would die or explode or something. Vampires and cancer and blowing his brains out against the fucking ceiling...”
“That is so... The person on stage and the person I am are never ever the same. You of all people should know. Your brother is Gerard fucking Way.” William answers, taking a bite of his muffin.
Yeah, he thinks, his brother is Gerard fucking Way and that makes him Mikey fucking Way, Gerard's brother. Sometimes it's even enough.
He itches for a smoke suddenly, but suppresses the need to go outside and poison himself and takes a sip of his coffee instead. It's really good coffee for such a small, nondescript place.
“I will miss your coffee finding senses, Spencer Smith. They are way better than Spider-senses, way better.”
“Only to a coffee-addict like you, Michael Way,” Spencer answers. Mikey likes when Spencer uses his full name. It's not something he thought he’d miss, and he doesn't, really, but it's nice how Spencer says it, it's different, like this isn't part of him and Gerard, like this is something only he has. Which is so stupid, it's not like Gerard is ever taking anything away from Mikey. They are sharing everything and more than normal siblings do. They’re crossing lines that aren't even there in the first place.
William puts his half eaten muffin down and sighs. “I'm breaking up with Gabe today.” He doesn't say it as much as he declares it.
“You know you aren't really together, right?” Spencer answers, but he doesn't sound like a bitch about it.
“I know, I just meant that I'm not going to have sex with him in the future. I'm going to detox.”
“From Gabe?” Mikey has to ask. “You're going cold turkey?”
“Well, sex is an addiction, too.”
“You aren't addicted to sex, you are addicted to sex with Gabe,” Spencer says.
“And that's not even true. You are addicted to the idea he will love you some day back,” Mikey whispers.
“He won't, though. I know he won't, that's why I have to do this.”
Mikey nods. Spencer takes a sip of his coffee and keeps quiet as well.
~+~
William throws his bags onto the bed, goes to the bathroom, takes a piss and shower and then calls Spencer while he's making tea in his kitchen. There even is tea in one of the cupboards. He does a small victory dance in his head about that and waits for Spencer to pick up.
“I'm home,” he declares as soon as Spencer does.
“Good for you. I'm not.” Spencer sounds tired and a bit bitchy.
“Still dealing with the Brendon and Ryan situation?”
Spencer sighs. “There is no Brendon and Ryan situation. Brendon is trying... I don't know. To get over him or something and Ryan is sleeping with everyone who's interested. Do you think Pete?” he asks.
“Do I think Pete what?”
“Makes an exception for Ryan from his gay above the waist rule?” Spencer says.
William pours hot water into his mug with a tea bag and looks for sugar. Not finding any he shrugs mentally and sits down on the floor of his kitchen, back to the cupboards. “I have no idea and I really think I don't want to know, either.”
“You don't want to know?”
“Why do you want to know, Spence?” William asks. He knows the answer, but he wants Spencer to think about it.
“I...just care.”
“About Ryan, and you can, but not like that...Okay, I know I’m the last person who should say this, but you’re obsessed and he’ll never love you back.”
Spencer laughs. It sounds sharp and feral. Dangerous. “The thing is, Bill, the thing is he does love me.”
Oh, William thinks. Well, fuck. “I'm sorry,” he says.
“Whatever,” Spencer answers.
“So, what are you wearing?” William asks out of the blue. He is blowing on his tea and smiling like crazy.
Spencer nearly chokes on something when he laughs. “Seriously?”
“It's just a question. It's not my fault your mind is totally in the gutter,” William replies deadpan.
“It is, you’re the one who is always talking about sex.”
“With Gabe,” William stresses. “That is the difference. I only have sex with Gabe...well, not anymore, because I quit the whole having sex with Gabe thing for my own sanity.”
“Obviously...you called me so you wouldn't call Gabe, right?”
William takes a sip of his tea and then sighs. It might be true. “I think I did. Is that okay?”
“Can I call you when I think I'm five seconds away from murdering or fucking Ryan?” Spencer asks.
“Yes!” William answers. This is a brilliant idea.
~+~
Spencer ends the call and looks around. He kind of maybe hates airports. A lot, especially since Panic got big. He's thinking about getting a Snickers when his cell rings.
“Michael,” he says.
“I'm going mad, maybe,” Mikey answers. Spencer likes how Mikey just says things and doesn't beat around the bush. He likes how Mikey doesn't care about pleasantries, like life is too short to waste it on 'hello'.
“Frank?” Spencer asks.
“Yeah...Frank and Gee and my whole band. It's not good when you want to murder your band in their sleep, is it?”
“Been there, done that...oh wait, I didn’t do it, because you talked me out of it.”
“Right, I remember. So, talk me out of it. Tell me why I shouldn't murder my band,” Mikey answers. His voice sounds calm and soft and just nice. Spencer already misses him, more than William even.
“Because you love them all. You love these loud, smelly, creative, talented, crazy guys,” Spencer replies.
“Sometimes....sometimes I feel like-” he cuts himself off and Spencer waits, but Mikey keeps silent on the other end of the line.
“It’s possible that William will call you and ask you what you're wearing. It's totally a trap...don't answer it,” Spencer says eventually into the silence.
“He called you already?”
“I'm the man. You should know by now,” Spencer says, smiling. An elderly woman gives him a look and then winks at him. Spencer bursts out laughing.
“What?” Mikey asks.
“Nothing, really just...” and then he tells Mikey anyway before he has to hang up because his flight begins to board.
~5~
Mikey is restless all the time. He doesn’t even know why. He isn’t calling William or Spencer, but he answers every call and text from them. Gee gives him looks. The good kind, maybe. The ‘I’m your big brother, talk to me’ kind, but he can’t talk to Gee about this. He never had to talk to Gee about anything, because Gee knew. This is a whole new situation for him. For them both, really.
Gerard corners him at mom’s after dinner. He’s smoking outside and hoped mom would keep his brother occupied a bit longer, but he should have known.
“So…” Gee begins and Mikey waits. Gerard lights a cigarette, takes a deep drag, exhales, takes another one. “I have no idea what to say here,” he admits then.
“I have no idea, either. It’s nothing,” Mikey answers.
“It’s not nothing and we both know it, because we’re just that awesomely connected,” Gerard says, looking at him. Mikey takes a drag from his own cigarette. He is stalling and he knows it, Gee knows it, too, for fuck's sake he learned that one from his brother. He exhales and sighs. They never had to talk about how they felt or what something meant. Mikey always knew and he's sure Gerard did as well.
“Other people aren't you,” he settles on.
Gerard nods like Mikey makes perfect sense and the thing is that he does make perfect sense to his brother.
“And they'll never be and you don't know what to do,” Gerard answers.
Mikey gives him a look. “Wow, are you obvious right now.”
“Oh, shut the hell up. I'm being your big brother right now,” Gerard says laughing. Small clouds of smoke leaving his parted lips. Mikey really wants to kiss him, so he leans in and just does it. Gerard turns into it, hums in appreciation.
“You'll always be my big brother,” he replies softly after ending the kiss.
They finish their smokes in silence.
~+~
William is bored out of his fucking mind, he knows because he’s searching the net for pictures of Gabe - which just can’t be healthy. Not if it isn’t for the shit and giggles, the ‘omg, what the hell where you thinking’ kind. This is not that kind, it’s more of the ‘I’m kind of being creepy because I miss your stupid face’ kind. He shuts his laptop and sighs. He could call. He could. There is nothing wrong with calling your friends. Yeah, right. He grabs his cell and types a short message to Mikey instead. He misses Mikey, too, he misses them making him feel sane and not like he’s waiting for his next Gabe fix.
“I’m going crazy in a not good very bad way,” he says after Mikey’s sleepily mumbled hello.
“I’m listening…I think. I’m really tired. Just rant and maybe I won’t fall asleep on you,” he answers.
“I miss your stupid face,” William replies. He’s smiling.
Mikey yawns. “I need some coffee…”
“I’ll hold the line,” William answers.
Mikey laughs. It sounds warm, if a laugh can sound warm, Mikey’s sleepy laugh did just that.
“Spencer misses your stupid face too and he is going crazy as well at home. His sisters are driving him insane, that’s what he said,” Mikey says and William bursts out laughing. “Hey…I didn’t mean it like that and you know it.”
“I know. I just have a very dirty mind.”
“Gabe corrupts everyone,” Mikey answers. His voice sounds serious. William kind of wants to ask about him and Gabe, but he doesn’t. He hasn’t brought it up since the first time they met. Sometimes he really doesn’t want to know if Gabe made Mikey gasp the same way he does with him.
“I doubt that Spencer would ever fall for Gabe’s charm.”
“That’s because Spencer is smart, not like the rest of us mortals.”
“You are so strange, Mikey Way,” William answers. Mikey keeps quite on the other side of the line. “It’s not a bad thing,” William adds softly. “I like it.” What he doesn’t say, because he doesn’t think he can or that he’s ready or that Mikey’s ready to hear it is: I like you.
”Tell me what you found while you were stalking Gabe on the internet this morning,” Mikey answers and William doesn’t even wonder how he knew that. Mikey Way is just that kind of unique snowflake.
~+~
Spencer is sure one more day with his family and Ryan just next door like before they were rich and famous and he’ll be ready to kill them all, except maybe his mom. She was and will always be awesome.
So when he gets the text from William to come to Chicago because he is obsessively stalking Gabe again, he throws a few items of clothing into his bag and buys a ticket online. He leaves Ryan a message, but doesn’t call. He just doesn’t think he could take Ryan’s shit right now.
~6~
William is sprawled on his couch and kind of drunk. He is waving his bottle of Jack in one hand to illustrated the point while Mikey nods earnestly, taking a drag of his cigarette. Spencer shakes his head lightly and they give him a look. He bites into his nearly cold slice of pizza, chews and says: “No way in hell.”
“You were listening?” William’s voice sounds surprised.
Spencer rolls his eyes. “Yes, William, I was listening. You are drunk and should shut up now before you say something you might regret.”
“I told Mikey everything the first time we met because I was drunk. I don’t regret it.”
“You were freaking out on me the morning after,” Mikey throws in, taking another drag.
“Traitor,” William mumbles. He puts the bottle on the floor and stretches. His shirt rides up and Spencer can see some bruises on his hip.
“What did you do?” he asks, there is something in his stomach that twists and curls, a bit like jealousy.
William pulls his shirt down and bites his lip. Spencer gives him a look. Mikey keeps quiet. “It’s not what you think, okay? I did not cave like a cavy thing that caves…” he starts and Mikey laughs softly.
Spencer gives him a look.
“What? It was kind of funny?”
Spencer sighs. “What is it then?” he wants to know.
“I just can’t let it go,” William confesses, stroking the bruises around his hip.
“You’re digging your own fingers in to keep the shape,” Mikey says softly. William nods.
Something about the way how Mikey says it lets Spencer’s alarm bells ring. Like he’s been there and done exactly that. Spencer was never that obsessive, but then he never had any bruises to trace except those on Ryan’s body and he was very carefully with those. Always.
“That’s not letting go of your obsession,” Spencer observes.
“Thank you, mister obvious,” William sighs reaching for the bottle.
Spencer has no idea what the hell he can say to that. He feels a bit helpless.
“At least he’s not sleeping with Gabe,” Mikey throws in. Spencer gives him a look. “I count the small victories.” Mikey adds, shrugging.
“Well…now that you’re here, maybe I’ll stop doing it.”
“You’re still stalking him,” Spencer points out.
“But not for hours,” Mikey says.
Spencer feels like he can’t win this argument, so he grabs the bottle from William’s hands and takes a swig.
~+~
Mikey wakes up with his face in Spencer’s t-shirt. It smells like whisky and his head really doesn’t like it. He shifts and falls from the couch they fell asleep on. This thing is really too small for three guys, especially when two of them are him and William. One look tells him that William is curled around Spencer’s other side. One arm thrown over his middle. He sits up, carefully and then gets up. He needs to piss and a shower and coffee and maybe he needs the coffee more than the shower right now.
The most ridiculous thing is that William doesn’t have any coffee in his kitchen - he forgot that, again. Mikey is kind of horrified. It’s unnatural to not have any coffee in the house.
He showers, then puts some clean-ish clothes on and goes out in search for coffee.
When he comes back an hour or so later he has muffins and coffee and William is looking at him like he might be the messiah. Mikey can hear the shower running so he doesn’t ask where Spencer is.
“You’re wearing my shirt,” William points out.
“Oh, hey…hmm…” Mikey answers intelligently.
“No big deal. Just letting you know.”
“You need to buy coffee, I don’t want to have to brave the weather and air outside every fucking morning,” Mikey says, handing the bag with the muffins over to William.
“Did you get some for Spencer too?”
“Yeah,” Mikey replies, following Bill into the kitchen. He sits down with his coffee and watches William prepare tea. It smells good, kind of spicy.
Spencer emerges from the shower some ten minutes later. His hair is wet and messy, leaving stains on his green shirt.
“God bless you, Mikey Way,” he says sitting down at the table. He grabs a paper cup and makes a face.
“I know, it’s getting cold.”
“I could heat it up for you”, William says. Mikey gives him a horrified look. “Or not.” He hands Spencer one of the muffins and drinks his tea with a small smile hiding behind his mug.
Mikey already feels a lot better than he did earlier this morning.
~+~
William isn’t blind, is the thing. He’s much more observant than people give him credit for. He knows that something’s up with Mikey. He knows it because he spent weeks studying him. And now he has Mikey in his personal space 24/7. Mikey always gets kind of quiet when they’re talking about their obsessions, or to be honest, it’s mostly William who is talking, Spencer is ranting sometimes about Ryan and how Ryan always messes things up. William thinks that Spencer is on his way to let this whole thing with Ryan go. Good for him; he always was smarter than the rest of them.
Mikey’s sitting in the kitchen on the floor, his back against the counter, talking quietly to his brother. His face always lights up when he’s talking to Gerard and they’re talking every fucking day. He gets it, he has a sister he’s close with, but not that close. He doesn’t have to call her every day to let her know…well, whatever Mikey is letting Gerard know.
~7~
“Do you think…” he takes a sip of tea to calm his nerves a bit and Spencer gives him an impatient look.
“Do I think what? Because I can’t read minds.”
“I bet you can read Ryan’s…” William answers.
Spencer sighs. “Because I’ve known him my whole life, that doesn’t count. I bet Mikey can do that with Gerard, as well.”
William takes a deep breath. “About that…” he begins and stops. He has no idea how to breach this subject. It’s not something you talk about and he knows he can’t ask Mikey.
“Okay, what the heck is it, William?” Spencer asks, but he sounds curious, not irritated.
“Do you think Gerard and Mikey are too close?” He says it all in a rush before he can talk himself out of it.
“For siblings?” Spencer asks carefully. Not an ounce of judgement in his voice.
William nods and wonders if maybe Spencer was thinking about it too. “I don’t know, every relationship is different. You should know that. You’re close with your sister, too, you kind of look the same, even.”
“That’s why I think I’m going to cut my hair,” William throws in. And because he knows Gabe loves to tangle his fingers in it when William blows him.
“Don’t digress,” Spencer tells him.
“I’m not. I was just wondering. I mean, he’s on the phone with Gerard every day and his face…looks kind of serene when he talks to his brother. Like he’s home.”
“William…”
“And it’s in the way they touch.”
“They’re the Ways,” Spencer answers. William gives him a look, but lets it go.
~+~
So, Spencer can’t not think about it now. Thanks to William fucking Beckett he’s wondering, too. It’s true that there’s something about Mikey and Gerard that maybe just doesn’t sit right. Not in a bad way. It’s just strange.
Spencer has no idea how to ask about it. None at all. So he doesn’t ask and just keeps thinking and wondering whenever Mikey speaks to Gerard on the phone. Looks at him and thinks that Mikey really looks beautiful like this. Like he knows he’s loved no matter what.
~+~
“Spencer is giving me looks,” Mikey says.
“What kind of looks?” Gerard wants to know. Mikey can hear him exhale smoke.
“I don’t know, like he’s looking for something. That kind of looks…Gee?”
“Yeah?”
“I…I have no idea what the hell I’m doing here. William asked to come and I just did. I never just…what the hell am I doing here?”
“Getting away from us,” Gerard states.
“I don’t want to get away from you.”
“That’s not what I said. I think you like him,” Gerard answers.
“William or Spencer?”
Gerard laughs. It’s his surprised laugh. The one when he just discovered something. “Both, I think.”
“Oh…” Mikey says.
“Oh, indeed.”
“You sound like a cartoon douche bag….”
“That was my Doctor Who impression.”
“Your impressions suck,” Mikey answers.
“You suck.”
“Yeah,” Mikey says with a soft laugh. “Yeah, I do.”
Gerard chokes on smoke on the other end of the line. “Now I’m going to think about your mouth while jerking off…” he says.
“Mission accomplished, then.”
“You’re a jerk.”
“You love me,” Mikey says without a second of hesitation.
“Yeah, I do.”
Mikey keeps silent and listens to his brother smoke on the other end of the line until he’s ready to hang up.
~8~
Spencer calls it a hiatus, but everyone knows what that means.
“I’m not worried yet,” Spencer says, stubbornly.
“Okay,” Mikey answers, he’s handing Spencer a sandwich and then making one for William. William has no idea when his apartment became kind of theirs, but he doesn’t mind and he hasn’t stalked Gabe on the internet or the phone for five days now. Things are looking up. Except for the whole Panic split up thing, of course.
“I thought I knew him,” Spencer says, angrily. “I honestly thought I knew him and he…he wants to leave the band!”
What he means is, William knows, ‘he wants to leave me’. Because it was Spencer and Ryan in the beginning. SpencerandRyan. They were the core. Spencer was keeping them sane and with at least one foot on the ground when things started to get crazy with Panic. The thing with Brent, then Jon and now Ryan is thinking about leaving the band.
“He’ll come around,” William says.
Spencer gives him a look. “I wish you wouldn’t try to cheer me the fuck up!” he explodes.
William bites into his sandwich and doesn’t get in his face. He knows that Spencer can be a bitch and this is serious business. He bets he was a bitch, too, when the whole thing with Tom happened. Well, he knows he was a bitch then.
Mikey is a calm and steady rock. William admires him for it.
~+~
Mikey is pretty sure Panic is not going to make it out alive, or something.
“He’s taking Jon with him,” Spencer announces a week after he first told them about Ryan’s plans. Mikey wonders why Spencer is still here. Here at William’s instead of being in Vegas with Ryan and Jon and Brendon to try and sort things out.
“And Brendon?” William asks, his voice carefully neutral.
“Brendon is not going with them. I don’t know if he…I…he’s leaving us.” Spencer says helplessly and William hugs him on impulse. Spencer doesn’t even fight him. “He’s leaving the people he loves,” he adds softly and William hugs him tighter.
That’s why, Mikey realizes, that’s why Spencer is here and not in Vegas. There is nothing there in Vegas anymore. Ryan is leaving them and he’s not coming back.
~+~
“I’m keeping the name and I’m putting in the exclamation mark back in” Spencer declares the next day over breakfast. He knows he looks like shit because he couldn’t sleep at all. It helped that William let him sleep in his bed and that Mikey was there, too. He doesn’t want to think about this too deeply because that would only make life more complicated and he just lost half of his band.
“Is this some symbolic act of ‘fuck you’?” Mikey asks.
Spencer nods. It’s exactly that.
“Okay. I think Ryan will be pissed about it,” William says.
“I hope he’ll be pissed about it,” Spencer answers, taking a sip of tea. Mikey overslept and no one was out for coffee.
Mikey stares into his mug and sighs. “I miss coffee. Can we get coffee now, please?”
“You and your brother are so addicted…” William says and Spencer feels Mikey tense up for a second.
“Coffee is life,” he replies, earnestly.
“In your world…sure,” William smiles.
“Can we get coffee now?”
“I want a pastry with it, or two. I feel like eating a lot of sugar today,” Spencer says, because he does feel like eating a lot of sugar today.
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