Das Gift der Schmetterlinge
Title: Das Gift der Schmetterlinge
Author: creepylicious
Pairing: Gerard/Adam, Gerard/Adam/Jared
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gerard is being slightly creepy, Jared is trying to be reasonable, Adam is trying something and everything is kind of crazy in a Buffy way.
“So, are you sleeping with Jared fucking Leto?” a voice says behind him and Gerard turns around.
“What?” he asks. “Also; that's a rude question,” he says after a second.
Warning(s): kind of creepy, threesome, mentions of sex
Author’s Notes: The title means: The poison of butterflies. Part of 13 days to Samhain ficathon.
Word Count: 5.578
Beta: stones_at_moons
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
~1~
Even in a crowd like this Adam sticks out like a drop of red, red blood on a white piece of cloth - or a canvas. Gerard shakes his head to chase the image away. He knows just too well that he’s being creepy again, it doesn't matter that Adam doesn't know. It doesn't matter that no one knows. It doesn't matter that it's only in his head. He turns around to the bar, so that he doesn't have to look at Adam. It's easier being non-creepy if not confronted with the object you're being creepy over. Jared hands him a glass of water and doesn't say a word. Gerard didn’t even hear him approach, but they are in a club. He really likes Jared. It's easy being non-creepy with Jared, maybe because he already did the creepy-thing and got over it after they shared the first cigarette a few years back outside a club after a party, maybe even during one. He doesn't really remember where they were, he only remembers Jared inhaling and exhaling smoke into the cold night air. His body-heat close to Gerard's own, mingling in the space between them.
“I kind of think he's a douche,” Jared says into his ear and Gerard nods. It's not because he thinks that too, just an acknowledgement of Jared's words and Jared knows it. “You don't,” it's a statement. Gerard nods and then shrugs. He doesn't. But there is something.
“I need a cigarette,” he says instead of something he doesn't even have the words for right now.
“Let's go.” Jared grabs his sleeve - he upsets the glass in the process - and Gerard lets him drag him outside. He doesn’t look back, not even when the glass topples over and spills water on the counter and the floor as it shatters.
~+~
The night air is cool, but not cold. Gerard sits down on the steps of the back entrance and gets his pack out of his pocket. He lights one for himself and one for Jared. Jared takes it, breathing in deeply and remaining upright. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, but it's a waiting one. Gerard lets Jared gather his thoughts; inhales smoke, exhales smoke and listens to Jared do the same.
“You were being creepy in your head again, hmm?” he asks after a while. Gerard can feel the blood in his veins, can feel how it rises to his cheeks. He's glad he's sitting in the shadows.
“Why don't you like him?” he asks, ignoring Jared's words.
Jared inhales smoke and exhales slowly. “Not sure. Did I mention that I think he's a douche?”
“You think that about Pete as well,” Gerard answers.
“It's common knowledge that Pete is a douche,” Jared says with a small smile. Gerard smiles back. Inhales smoke. Waits. “I think it's because how easily he gets away with it,” he says after a while.
“You jealous?”
Jared shrugs, Gerard can see it out of the corner of his eye. “Maybe. Not sure. It's just...I have this feeling...” he trails off.
“Yeah,” Gerard says. He isn't sure if they have the same feeling, but there is something.
“It's like he pulls you in, if you want to or not,” Jared clarifies.
“Yes!” because it's the same thing Gerard is feeling when he watches Adam. Jared nudges him with the cap of his shoe and Gerard looks up at him. “It's not something I think is good,” he says seriously.
“Oh...” Gerard answers.
Jared sighs, exhaling smoke. “Just...don't...” he waves his hand around in an universal gesture that seems to mean: 'Don't do something stupid or dangerous or anything at all.'
Gerard nods. “I won't.”
“Why do I not believe you?” Jared asks.
“I have no idea. I have such an earnest face...” Gerard grins.
Jared laughs out loud, flips his butt on the pavement and bends down to kiss Gerard's hair. Gerard hums closing his eyes. Just this he thinks and doesn't think about anything more.
~+~
Maybe not like a drop of red blood on something white he thinks a few weeks later as he watches Adam dance with someone. To the casual observer it looks like Adam couldn't care less what’s going on around him, but Gerard is not a casual observer. He is not quite stalking here, but he can't look away and he knows that ninety percent of the people here can't either. Adam’s now lost in the music, and he wasn't when he started this.
“He's like a fucking flame,” Jared says. They ended up together again, because Gerard is being creepy and Mikey isn't here to make sure no one finds out. Mikey has his own life now and that’s a good thing. Besides, he likes to have Jared around.
“I know.”
“Something is really wrong with that,” Jared continues.
“I don't see why. After all we are too,” Gerard answers.
“Call it my spider senses, but something about this kid...” Gerard gives him a look, “shut up, he isn't even thirty yet, so I can call him that,” Jared says and then: “makes my alarm bells ring really, really loud, okay?”
“You think he's a serial killer under all the glitter?” Gerard asks humorously.
“Who the fuck knows? It's always the innocent ones after all...”
Gerard laughs out loud. “God,” he gasps. “He is everything but innocent is not among it. I'm sure of that,” he leans against the back of the couch and closes his eyes. A smile still playing around his lips.
“Okay, point. The ones you suspect less then,” he sits down next to Gerard and pushes a drink into Gerard's hand. Gerard drinks it because he knows Jared always orders only water when they end up together in one corner or another. For all their being present and shit on stage they really like to hide when they've done the rounds.
“But you're suspecting him of murdering innocent twinks,” Gerard says amused.
Jared leans his head against the back of the couch, his side pressed to Gerard's. “I don't know, okay? Just be fucking careful.”
“I didn't even speak to him,” Gerard answers.
“I know, it doesn't mean anything.” Gerard keeps silent, taking a sip of his (Jared's) water. He can feel the other man's gaze on him.
“If he’d ask right now you would say yes, wouldn't you?” he whispers, his breath teasing Gerard's skin.
“Yeah...” he whispers back.
Jared keeps silent for the rest of the night.
~2~
“So, are you sleeping with Jared fucking Leto?” a voice says behind him and Gerard turns around.
“What?” he asks. “Also; that's a rude question,” he says after a second.
Adam grins. It looks good on him, boyish, not quite innocent. “Yeah, it is. Are you, Gerard Way?” he wants to know, his smile looks genuine enough, Gerard thinks, but there is something sharp in his eyes. The corner they are in is dark with shadows and the noises from the people are muffled, but they are not alone.
“Do you want to know, because you want to take me home and have some standards?”
Adam shrugs. “Everyone knows I'm not taking anyone home who is...involved.”
“I'm not,” Gerard answers after a too long silence.
“I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed right now,” Adam admits with an easy laugh.
“What if I don't want to go home with you?”
“But you do, you've been looking.”
“Everyone is looking. Always,” Gerard says. It’s the fucking truth and Adam knows it, so why lie about it?
“Not like you,” Adam answers, there is a certain quality to his voice, something that makes Gerard's skin tingle with anticipation and fear. Adam smiles.
~+~
“You would've gone with him, fuck Gerard!” Jared says, he looks really pissed off right now and he’s standing too far away. Gerard inhales smokes and keeps it too long in. It burns his lungs. He exhales slowly, looking at Jared from under his eyelashes.
“You hate him,” he breathes. Realisation hits him like a rock to the head.
“I do,” Jared answers calmly.
“You fucked him?” Gerard wants to know. Jared laughs, but it doesn't sound amused. “He fucked you?” he asks a bit hesitantly.
“No to both,” Jared answers, inhaling smoke.
“Why do you hate him then?”
“Why do you like him? I don't even know him.”
Gerard shrugs. “It's not a thing of liking him; it's more like...being pulled in.”
“I don't like it. He's like a Venus Fly trap.”
“What's wrong with you? He isn’t killing the people he sleeps with,” Gerard says. He flips his butt on the pavement and lights a new cigarette. He’s getting irritated, but he isn’t sure if it’s because of Jared or himself.
“He picked you up in a club and you would've gone with him. Gerard. You didn't think about it one second. About the paparazzi outside, about the people in the club. It's like common sense deserted you and that's not like you at all.”
Gerard sighs, because he knows Jared is fucking right. “You're my saviour then?” he asks and it comes out mean and cutting.
“I fucking am, whether you want my help or not,” he answers with an edge, exhaling smoke angrily. He flips his butt on the pavement and leans against the cool brick wall.
Gerard keeps silent.
~+~
“Hey, pretty,” Adam says, and he is standing too close to Gerard. Gerard can feel his body-heat. His breath on his overheated skin.
“I need a cigarette,” Gerard says, stepping away from Adam.
“Great, let’s get outside then,” Adam answers, he makes to grab Gerard’s hand, but Gerard shies away. Adam shrugs and follows Gerard out the back entrance.
The night air isn’t exactly cool, but it’s still better than inside. Gerard sits down on the steps and takes out his pack. He lights one for himself and one for Adam - it’s a habit by now to light two if he’s smoking with someone.
“Thanks,” Adam says as he takes the cigarette from Gerard. Their fingers brush and Gerard snags his hand away.
“No problem,” he answers. He has no idea why he’s here with Adam, except that it helped when he was obsessing over Jared all these years ago. But this doesn’t fell like that time with Jared outside the club.
“So…he hates me,” Adam says, exhaling smoke. He doesn't elaborate, but Gerard knows about who they're talking here. Gerard’s head wipes in his direction. Most of Adam’s face is in the shadows, the small light above the door not enough to illuminate more than just a bit of space around them. A study in contrasts, with glitter shimmering around his eyes.
“He doesn’t know you,” Gerard says, because that is the truth as well.
Adam laughs. “God, you… people don’t need to know me to hate me. They just need to know things about me,” he says.
“And with ‘things’ you mean that you’re gay,” it’s not a question, but Adam nods anyway. “Jared doesn’t care about shit like that,” Gerard adds.
Adam gives him a considering look. “So, he has reasons to hate me then?” he asks. His voice sounds careful in a way that is hard to describe. Gerard thinks about what to say. He doesn’t think Jared really thinks that Adam is killing the people he’s sleeping with…but, it would be still creepy to say it.
“He’s concerned,” is what he settles on.
“About you?” And this time it is a question. Gerard takes a deep drag and holds the smoke in his lungs. He kinda likes how that feels, how it makes him feel everything that slightly bit sharper.
“Yes, about me,” he answers as he breathes out slowly.
Adam nods. “He cares about you,” he says.
“He does.” Gerard turns around then to look at Adam. At his profile, the smoke curling around him and his fingers itch for a piece of paper and a pen. “You’re really beautiful, you know?” he says without thinking about it.
Adam laughs and it sounds happy. He turns around to look at Gerard, gets on his knees, so they can look each other in the eyes. Gerard can feel Adam’s breath on his skin, on his lips and wants to close his eyes to intensify the feeling. “This,” he says, gesturing to his face, his clothes his hair, “this does make me beautiful.”
“Not true, your nose and your eyes…that’s you,” Gerard whispers. Adam closes his eyes and licks his lips and Gerard follows the movement with his eyes.
“Fuck, you are just too…” he stands up then abruptly. Looks down at Gerard and Gerard feels really confused for a second. Adam bends down then, kissing Gerard’s temple and his lips hurt on his skin. He jerks away.
“What?”
“You should go back inside, I’m sure Jared is already worried,” Adam says, there is a glint of amusement in his eyes. Something that wasn’t there a couple of seconds ago.
“You saw him, seeing us leave together!” Gerard realises.
“Yep, I bet he’s freaking out right now,” Adam smiles. It looks boyish and honest.
“You’re evil,” Gerard says.
“You have no idea,” Adam answers and it makes Gerard shiver.
~3~
“It’s not true, I wasn’t freaking out,” Jared says, his voice sharp but far away. Gerard pours coffee into a mug and sits down on the floor, opposite the big window. It’s still dark outside, but the sun will rise soon, he doesn’t feel tired.
“Sure,” Gerard offers, taking a sip of his coffee. It tastes kinda funny, not like it used to taste, but maybe he’s a bit over-sensitive right now.
“I did some research on him,” Jared says.
“Oh my god, you did not!” Gerard is laughing because this can’t be his life.
“Shut up, I so did,” Jared sounds stern and a bit embarrassed. Good, Gerard thinks, he should be. This is crazy.
“This is crazy,” he says.
“Tell me about it,” Jared answers. “So, he had a few boyfriends and a few guys he hooked up with that were kind of talented, but it never got anywhere…” Jared says. Gerard is listening, but he has no idea what the hell Jared is trying to say.
“Hmmm…” he says. Just so Jared knows he’s still listening. “Seems perfectly normal to me. No trail of bodies plastering his way to the top.”
“No, nothing as obvious,” Jared replies, he sounds between alert and tired. It’s a strange thing to feel. Gerard can relate.
“I’m staring out of the window right now, drinking coffee and waiting for the day,” he admits.
“Sitting on the floor?”
“Yes,” he says putting the mug down.
“I’m doing the same.”
“Jared…” Gerard begins, he is rubbing his temple where Adam kissed him.
“Yeah?”
“This will sound really stupid…” he warns.
“Gerard,” Jared stresses.
“Okay.” He takes a deep breath and is sure Jared can hear it. “Adam kissed me,” he says in a rush, “and it hurt.”
“What?”
“It hurt, like a sting. His lips were soft and pliant against my skin, but it still hurt.”
“You are right, it sounds like crazy shit,” Jared admits, but he’s not laughing it off.
“I…” he trails off and starts anew. “I just wanted you to know, okay?”
“Okay,” Jared answers and after a long silence while they are watching the sunrise: “You need to go to bed.”
“Yeah, night.”
“Night.” Gerard waits until Jared hangs up on him and drags his body to the bed.
~+~
“This is crazy Buffy shit,” Mikey says over the phone. And Gerard nods, because he knows Mikey knows that he’s doing it. “And Buffy is not real, Gerard,” he adds. “You need to leave L.A. for a while.”
“Hell, I know, okay?” Gerard answers. “I hate it here. Hate it,” he adds.
“I know,” his brother replies. “Pack your stuff and come over or go visit mom or whatever Gerard, you must get out.”
“Don’t quote Maroon 5 on me.”
“I wasn’t…and you wouldn’t know if you wouldn’t listen to them…” he teases.
“Most of their songs are about sex Mikey,” he stresses. Mikey laughs.
“Get out of that fucking town, it makes you crazy. I don’t want you to be Adam Lambert’s next hook up; I don’t want to read about it on page one, okay?”
“Jared said the same thing,” he answers.
“I bet he used more colourful words,” Mikey says. Gerard can hear Alicia in the background asking something quietly. “Alicia wants you to know that you should come over, spend time with us. Or just call Jared.”
“He’s on tour,” Gerard replies.
“We know that honey,” Alicia says. “Call him, book a flight, visit.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Mikey says even before Gerard can begin this argument.
“Maybe,” he says.
Mikey hums and they stay like that for a few more minutes until Gerard is ready to hang up.
~+~
Gerard finds himself on tour with 30 Seconds to Mars and it feels great, maybe because it’s not his own tour, maybe because he can just be everywhere and be nowhere at all. He watches the set from the back, watches Jared jump and sing and run and being fucking on and he knows that he looks the same when he’s feeling it. The energy, the music. Everything.
“Lurking around the corners?” Jared asks afterwards. His clothes are wet and his hair is a mess, so is his eyeliner. Gerard reaches out and smears it over Jared’s cheek slowly. A steady line down to the corner of his lip. Jared stares at him.
“Yeah,” he breathes.
“God, I swear you are so weird,” Jared says with a small smile.
Gerard shrugs. It’s not like he didn’t know that. “And you are so pretty,” he says.
Jared laughs, shaking his head.
“You are the only dude who can say shit like that and not get punched in the face for it.”
“It’s because I’m charming and shit.”
“It’s because you look like a fucking girl,” Jared says. Gerard slaps him lightly. “You even hit like a girl,” he teases.
“Or a fag,” Shannon throws in. Jared gives him a look. “I mean it in a loving way and you know it.”
“It’s still not okay to say it,” Gerard says with an unhappy look.
“I’m sorry?” Shannon answers.
“I need a shower,” Jared says, “Meet you after? Grab something to eat?” He asks, grabbing his brother's arm and begins to drag him away with him.
“Sure,” Gerard answers easy.
~4~
When he’s back after a month of being anywhere everywhere he hates L.A. even more. He can’t stand the city and thinks back to the days when he could. He can barely remember them. He lights a cigarette and calls Pete to ask for Adam Lambert's number. He knows this is crazy Buffy shit, but still. And it’s not like he started it, it was Jared in the first place. Gerard only made things worse. Is the truth.
“Yeah?” Adam sounds a bit weary on the other end of the line. Probably because he doesn't know the number and thinks it could be a crazy fan.
“It’s Gerard,” Gerard says.
“Do I want to know how you got this number?” he asks. He sounds utterly relaxed now.
“Probably not, but I intend only to use it for the good,” Gerard says. It’s easy like this when he doesn’t have to look at Adam. When he can just listen to him. It’s normal, like it always should be.
Adam laughs. And Gerard feels stupid for calling with the reason he has.
“So,” Adam says.
“I need you to know that this is crazy Buffy shit and you can laugh about it or just hang up or…”
“Gerard, spit it out!” Adam interrupts his rambling.
“I feel like I need to see you,” Gerard states.
“Okay?”
“Like I really need to see you, okay? Like I can’t function when I’m not…it’s like when you’re painting in water colours and tip over the glass with water and it all runs down the page leaving it nearly blank. With only traces of what was there before,” Gerard tries to explain.
“I’m not an artist. I have no idea what you are talking about,” Adam says.
Gerard makes a frustrated sound. Sometimes it's really hard to talk to people who aren't his brother or his band. “I feel like I’m a blank page and you…”
“Wait!” Adam interrupts again - apparently catching on. “I’m the water and the colour is what, your creativity?”
“Yes!” Gerard says, letting himself fall against the bed frame and closing his eyes against the world.
“You think I did something to you…” Adam’s voice is a sharp whisper. Like dry, frozen leaves on pavement in a storm.
“You did do something to me,” Gerard states. “When you kissed me,” he clarifies. It’s all clear now.
“And you think that I can fix you when I’m close?” Adam wants to know. There’s still this sharp edge in his voice.
“You’re blaming yourself,” Gerard realises. “You didn’t want it.”
“Fuck, this is crazy, you know that, right?” Adam says.
“Yeah, I know. Still. It’s the fucking truth and you need to fix me,” he states.
“I can’t.”
“Because this is crazy Buffy shit and you didn’t do anything in the first place or…” he lets the sentence unfinished.
“Definitely because it’s crazy Buffy shit,” Adam says.
Gerard smiles. “You are such a liar,” he replies.
“Don’t call again.” Adam says, but it sounds a bit hesitant, a bit hopeful.
“We’ll see,” Gerard answers ending the call.
~+~
“I need a cigarette,” Jared says. Gerard nods and hands his pack over. Jared takes it and their fingers brush, it’s like a small explosion in his head, like fire and ice and colour. Like the time he smeared Jared’s make up after a show. Jared lights one and tosses the pack back. It lands in Gerard’s lap.
“I know how all this sounds,” Gerard says.
“It sounds like he poisoned you,” Jared answers, exhaling smoke. “Aren’t you taking one too?”
“No…it lost its appeal,” Gerard says. Like everything else. Like food and coffee and sex. Like music. It’s horrible even thinking about it. He wants to touch Jared again, because it’s something he wants, something that makes him feel.
“Gerard,” Jared sighs.
“I know, okay. I know. You were right and I was wrong and now…” he trails off. “There are only two things I want,” he adds and doesn’t look at Jared.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“What are those things?”
“To be with him and touching you,” Gerard says, his voice just a whisper.
“Does he know how to fix you?” Jared asks.
“Don’t know. Don’t know if he wants to, either,” Gerard admits.
“I’m going to kill him. He’s evil,” Jared says, exhaling smoke in angry breaths.
“Don’t…”
“Fuck,” Jared says, he flips his butt on the pavement and leans down to kiss Gerard’s temple. “Does this help?” he asks.
“Yeah,” Gerard says and Jared does it again.
~+~
They end up on Gerard’s couch with Jared’s body over Gerard and his mouth trailing soft/hard kisses down from his temple to his mouth and collarbone then back up again. The ache inside Gerard is still there, but it’s soft and muted and swirls with colour. He drags Jared closer by his shirt, soft and worn and perfect against Gerard’s fingertips.
“Never thought that…” Jared trails off.
“Never thought about it at all?” Gerard wants to know and Jared looks up from the line he was tracing with his tongue just under Gerard’s ear and at Gerard's face.
“Not really, maybe in an abstract way?” he muses.
Gerard laughs. “I was thinking about you when I was younger,” he admits.
“That’s why you were creepy and shy and shit around me for so long, right?”
“Yeah…” Gerard breathes and drags him down for a kiss.
Jared loses his shirt somewhere in the heat and madness that is Gerard’s mind (Gerard loses his as well), his pants and the skin to skin contact is wonderful, beautiful and nearly perfect.
Everything just blurs together then, like water and colour on a page and even if he still has the feeling he misses something, something sharp and beautiful - painful maybe even -, it’s muted and nearly bearable.
~5~
“There are things that you don’t tell people about yourself,” Gerard says, he doesn’t say that it's him, he’s sure Adam knows. Has his number programmed into his cell.
“Everyone does that. People don’t need to know everything about me. They know more about me than about their neighbours anyway,” Adam answers without missing a beat. He picked up after the second ring.
“Does it happen to everyone you kiss?” Gerard asks.
“No,” Adam answers.
“Do you need to be into them?”
“Not necessary, but it helps.” Adam admits.
“Did you do it to Kris Allen?” Gerard wants to know.
“No…”
“Did you want to?”
“It’s not…it’s not only about,” he stops and takes a deep breath. Gerard waits and listens. “This is crazy Buffy shit and you can hang up any time, okay?” he says.
“Sure, you know I won’t, though.”
“Yeah, I know,” Adam says. “I didn’t want to do that to you, but you were there and I was starving for something, something beautiful and mad and crazy and dark,” he begins. Gerard only listens. “It was just a taste,” he whispers.
“Yeah, well, you fucked me up with it,” he says.
“I know. I just…you’re shining, okay? I’m a moth and you are a flame, everyone who is brilliant and crazy.”
“Allen isn’t crazy…” Gerard says.
“He’s brilliant and maybe…he’s still mine,” Adam answers. Gerard isn’t sure he understands everything here.
“When you take someone home, someone who is crazy and talented…”
“I usually don’t stop,” Adam says.
“You take it all in and keep it there and use it? Make it part of you?” Gerard asks, it’s a scary question and he hates to think about these people, hollow and without knowing why and how it happened.
“Yes.” The thing is he doesn’t sound ashamed or guilty. Gerard takes a sharp breath. “Say it!” Adam demands.
“What?”
“What you’re thinking.”
“What am I thinking?” Gerard asks.
“That I’m a monster and unnatural and that-“
Gerard cuts him off. “I should be thinking that, but I'm not.”
“What’s wrong with you?!” Adam demands to know.
“I’m crazy, always were. Maybe that’s your luck,” Gerard says. Adam laughs, it sounds startled. Like he himself is surprised by it. “I’m sure there are people who think you should be put down, but I’m not one of them.” He adds. “I touched Jared the other day and it was like fire and ice and colour and the ache, the constant ache I feel since you messed me up, was muted and nearly bearable.”
“Oh…you told him?”
“About this crazy Buffy shit, that isn’t even real?” Gerard asks.
“Yes, about that.”
“Yes. I think…” he stops, unsure if he should say it or not, because this is crazy enough as it is.
“Spit it out, it isn’t real anyway,” Adam says.
“It’s like he balances you out,” Gerard answers.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“His fucking touch makes me able to deal,” Gerard says. “Of fucking course!” Adam laughs again.
“You should come over,” he adds.
“That would be a fucking disastrous idea.” Adam says.
“I know.”
“Gerard…”
“Adam.”
“Give me your address,” he says.
Gerard does.
~+~
“Are you fucking insane?” Jared asks, exhaling smoke. He is down to his fifth cigarette in ten minutes. Gerard is a bit worried.
“That's a theoretical question, right?”
“This shit is not funny, not funny at all.”
“It's not even real,” Gerard offers and Jared gives him a look. Not one of the good kind. He sighs.
“Can't we just pretend we aren't crazy for a second here?” Jared asks.
“The shocking truth is, Jared,” Gerard says, “that we aren't crazy at all.”
Jared takes a hard, angry drag of his cigarette. “You want him to come over, so you can be close. The thing that worries me and it should worry you too, but I know you are beyond caring, is that he is...” he trails off.
“What?” Gerard's voice is sharp.
“Dangerous,” Jared settles on, and Gerard knows he only used this word, because even Gerard has to admit that he's right about it.
“That's why you are here as well,” Gerard says, quietly.
“Enlighten me, because I still think this is a fucking crazy idea.”
“I...it’s like when I'm with you the ache is dulled, not even there at times,” he tries to explain. Jared nods. “And maybe when you're there to be between me and him...” he trails off.
“You think he won't suck your creativity, your self, your life through your dick?” Jared takes another angry drag.
“Fuck you, honestly!”
“I'm being rational about it, why aren't you?”
“Because it's not his fault!” Gerard says.
“What?”
“He was born like this, okay? It's not something he wanted, and I can respect that: I can respect that he does what he needs to and that he isn't ashamed of who he is. It's a fucking rare enough thing to find.”
“You, fuck! You are just...” he puts his cigarette into the ashtray and grabs Gerard by the collar of his old worn shirt. The kiss is hot and hard and fucking fantastic. It leaves Gerard breathless.
“He's not a monster,” Gerard says softly against Jared's skin.
“Not everyone would agree with you,” Jared whispers back.
“I know.”
~+~
“It's more like being a butterfly - not a moth,” Gerard says softly. Adam doesn't turn around, stares into the mirror in the bathroom.
“A poisonous one,” he says to his reflection. He removes his make-up with practised ease. Methodically. It looks like art but backwards.
“It doesn't matter.” Gerard sits up to have a better look. The bathroom door is open wide, but Adam still doesn't look at him.
“Not to you,” he answers, putting a wash-cloth away.
“Isn't that the point?” he asks and Adam turns around then. His face is open and naked, like a caterpillar, but not ugly. “If you would only feed on me...” he trails off.
“You are adorable,” Adam says.
“I guess that means no?” Gerard asks.
“It means no. This doesn't work like that. It's who I am,” Adam says.
“Not now.”
“Now as well,” Adam objects. His voice is mild, but firm. “I'm always me.” He shrugs and the freckles on his skin seem to dance.
“You're beautiful,” Gerard blurs out and Adam laughs out loud, switches the light off in the bathroom and crosses the short distance to the bed.
“That's why I get away with stuff.”
“There is make-up on the pillows and sheets,” Jared says, he's holding a glass of water, leaning against the door-frame. He's looking between amused and annoyed.
“We rolled around in the bed,” Gerard answers.
“Good thing you're pretty,” Jared says, walking into the room. He is wearing his boxers and a t-shirt that belongs to Adam, Gerard is sure of it. There is just too much glitter on it.
“That's why we get away with stuff...” Adam repeats and Gerard laughs. Jared puts the glass on the night-stand and settles down next to them.
“What are we watching?” he asks.
“Velvet Goldmine,” Gerard answers and Jared closes his eyes.
“Next time I'm going to pick the movie.”
“Not even in your dreams, baby,” Adam says, kissing his cheek and pushing play.
~end~
Author: creepylicious
Pairing: Gerard/Adam, Gerard/Adam/Jared
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Gerard is being slightly creepy, Jared is trying to be reasonable, Adam is trying something and everything is kind of crazy in a Buffy way.
“So, are you sleeping with Jared fucking Leto?” a voice says behind him and Gerard turns around.
“What?” he asks. “Also; that's a rude question,” he says after a second.
Warning(s): kind of creepy, threesome, mentions of sex
Author’s Notes: The title means: The poison of butterflies. Part of 13 days to Samhain ficathon.
Word Count: 5.578
Beta: stones_at_moons
Disclaimer: Don’t know, don’t own, not real
~1~
Even in a crowd like this Adam sticks out like a drop of red, red blood on a white piece of cloth - or a canvas. Gerard shakes his head to chase the image away. He knows just too well that he’s being creepy again, it doesn't matter that Adam doesn't know. It doesn't matter that no one knows. It doesn't matter that it's only in his head. He turns around to the bar, so that he doesn't have to look at Adam. It's easier being non-creepy if not confronted with the object you're being creepy over. Jared hands him a glass of water and doesn't say a word. Gerard didn’t even hear him approach, but they are in a club. He really likes Jared. It's easy being non-creepy with Jared, maybe because he already did the creepy-thing and got over it after they shared the first cigarette a few years back outside a club after a party, maybe even during one. He doesn't really remember where they were, he only remembers Jared inhaling and exhaling smoke into the cold night air. His body-heat close to Gerard's own, mingling in the space between them.
“I kind of think he's a douche,” Jared says into his ear and Gerard nods. It's not because he thinks that too, just an acknowledgement of Jared's words and Jared knows it. “You don't,” it's a statement. Gerard nods and then shrugs. He doesn't. But there is something.
“I need a cigarette,” he says instead of something he doesn't even have the words for right now.
“Let's go.” Jared grabs his sleeve - he upsets the glass in the process - and Gerard lets him drag him outside. He doesn’t look back, not even when the glass topples over and spills water on the counter and the floor as it shatters.
~+~
The night air is cool, but not cold. Gerard sits down on the steps of the back entrance and gets his pack out of his pocket. He lights one for himself and one for Jared. Jared takes it, breathing in deeply and remaining upright. The silence isn’t uncomfortable, but it's a waiting one. Gerard lets Jared gather his thoughts; inhales smoke, exhales smoke and listens to Jared do the same.
“You were being creepy in your head again, hmm?” he asks after a while. Gerard can feel the blood in his veins, can feel how it rises to his cheeks. He's glad he's sitting in the shadows.
“Why don't you like him?” he asks, ignoring Jared's words.
Jared inhales smoke and exhales slowly. “Not sure. Did I mention that I think he's a douche?”
“You think that about Pete as well,” Gerard answers.
“It's common knowledge that Pete is a douche,” Jared says with a small smile. Gerard smiles back. Inhales smoke. Waits. “I think it's because how easily he gets away with it,” he says after a while.
“You jealous?”
Jared shrugs, Gerard can see it out of the corner of his eye. “Maybe. Not sure. It's just...I have this feeling...” he trails off.
“Yeah,” Gerard says. He isn't sure if they have the same feeling, but there is something.
“It's like he pulls you in, if you want to or not,” Jared clarifies.
“Yes!” because it's the same thing Gerard is feeling when he watches Adam. Jared nudges him with the cap of his shoe and Gerard looks up at him. “It's not something I think is good,” he says seriously.
“Oh...” Gerard answers.
Jared sighs, exhaling smoke. “Just...don't...” he waves his hand around in an universal gesture that seems to mean: 'Don't do something stupid or dangerous or anything at all.'
Gerard nods. “I won't.”
“Why do I not believe you?” Jared asks.
“I have no idea. I have such an earnest face...” Gerard grins.
Jared laughs out loud, flips his butt on the pavement and bends down to kiss Gerard's hair. Gerard hums closing his eyes. Just this he thinks and doesn't think about anything more.
~+~
Maybe not like a drop of red blood on something white he thinks a few weeks later as he watches Adam dance with someone. To the casual observer it looks like Adam couldn't care less what’s going on around him, but Gerard is not a casual observer. He is not quite stalking here, but he can't look away and he knows that ninety percent of the people here can't either. Adam’s now lost in the music, and he wasn't when he started this.
“He's like a fucking flame,” Jared says. They ended up together again, because Gerard is being creepy and Mikey isn't here to make sure no one finds out. Mikey has his own life now and that’s a good thing. Besides, he likes to have Jared around.
“I know.”
“Something is really wrong with that,” Jared continues.
“I don't see why. After all we are too,” Gerard answers.
“Call it my spider senses, but something about this kid...” Gerard gives him a look, “shut up, he isn't even thirty yet, so I can call him that,” Jared says and then: “makes my alarm bells ring really, really loud, okay?”
“You think he's a serial killer under all the glitter?” Gerard asks humorously.
“Who the fuck knows? It's always the innocent ones after all...”
Gerard laughs out loud. “God,” he gasps. “He is everything but innocent is not among it. I'm sure of that,” he leans against the back of the couch and closes his eyes. A smile still playing around his lips.
“Okay, point. The ones you suspect less then,” he sits down next to Gerard and pushes a drink into Gerard's hand. Gerard drinks it because he knows Jared always orders only water when they end up together in one corner or another. For all their being present and shit on stage they really like to hide when they've done the rounds.
“But you're suspecting him of murdering innocent twinks,” Gerard says amused.
Jared leans his head against the back of the couch, his side pressed to Gerard's. “I don't know, okay? Just be fucking careful.”
“I didn't even speak to him,” Gerard answers.
“I know, it doesn't mean anything.” Gerard keeps silent, taking a sip of his (Jared's) water. He can feel the other man's gaze on him.
“If he’d ask right now you would say yes, wouldn't you?” he whispers, his breath teasing Gerard's skin.
“Yeah...” he whispers back.
Jared keeps silent for the rest of the night.
~2~
“So, are you sleeping with Jared fucking Leto?” a voice says behind him and Gerard turns around.
“What?” he asks. “Also; that's a rude question,” he says after a second.
Adam grins. It looks good on him, boyish, not quite innocent. “Yeah, it is. Are you, Gerard Way?” he wants to know, his smile looks genuine enough, Gerard thinks, but there is something sharp in his eyes. The corner they are in is dark with shadows and the noises from the people are muffled, but they are not alone.
“Do you want to know, because you want to take me home and have some standards?”
Adam shrugs. “Everyone knows I'm not taking anyone home who is...involved.”
“I'm not,” Gerard answers after a too long silence.
“I'm not sure if I'm relieved or disappointed right now,” Adam admits with an easy laugh.
“What if I don't want to go home with you?”
“But you do, you've been looking.”
“Everyone is looking. Always,” Gerard says. It’s the fucking truth and Adam knows it, so why lie about it?
“Not like you,” Adam answers, there is a certain quality to his voice, something that makes Gerard's skin tingle with anticipation and fear. Adam smiles.
~+~
“You would've gone with him, fuck Gerard!” Jared says, he looks really pissed off right now and he’s standing too far away. Gerard inhales smokes and keeps it too long in. It burns his lungs. He exhales slowly, looking at Jared from under his eyelashes.
“You hate him,” he breathes. Realisation hits him like a rock to the head.
“I do,” Jared answers calmly.
“You fucked him?” Gerard wants to know. Jared laughs, but it doesn't sound amused. “He fucked you?” he asks a bit hesitantly.
“No to both,” Jared answers, inhaling smoke.
“Why do you hate him then?”
“Why do you like him? I don't even know him.”
Gerard shrugs. “It's not a thing of liking him; it's more like...being pulled in.”
“I don't like it. He's like a Venus Fly trap.”
“What's wrong with you? He isn’t killing the people he sleeps with,” Gerard says. He flips his butt on the pavement and lights a new cigarette. He’s getting irritated, but he isn’t sure if it’s because of Jared or himself.
“He picked you up in a club and you would've gone with him. Gerard. You didn't think about it one second. About the paparazzi outside, about the people in the club. It's like common sense deserted you and that's not like you at all.”
Gerard sighs, because he knows Jared is fucking right. “You're my saviour then?” he asks and it comes out mean and cutting.
“I fucking am, whether you want my help or not,” he answers with an edge, exhaling smoke angrily. He flips his butt on the pavement and leans against the cool brick wall.
Gerard keeps silent.
~+~
“Hey, pretty,” Adam says, and he is standing too close to Gerard. Gerard can feel his body-heat. His breath on his overheated skin.
“I need a cigarette,” Gerard says, stepping away from Adam.
“Great, let’s get outside then,” Adam answers, he makes to grab Gerard’s hand, but Gerard shies away. Adam shrugs and follows Gerard out the back entrance.
The night air isn’t exactly cool, but it’s still better than inside. Gerard sits down on the steps and takes out his pack. He lights one for himself and one for Adam - it’s a habit by now to light two if he’s smoking with someone.
“Thanks,” Adam says as he takes the cigarette from Gerard. Their fingers brush and Gerard snags his hand away.
“No problem,” he answers. He has no idea why he’s here with Adam, except that it helped when he was obsessing over Jared all these years ago. But this doesn’t fell like that time with Jared outside the club.
“So…he hates me,” Adam says, exhaling smoke. He doesn't elaborate, but Gerard knows about who they're talking here. Gerard’s head wipes in his direction. Most of Adam’s face is in the shadows, the small light above the door not enough to illuminate more than just a bit of space around them. A study in contrasts, with glitter shimmering around his eyes.
“He doesn’t know you,” Gerard says, because that is the truth as well.
Adam laughs. “God, you… people don’t need to know me to hate me. They just need to know things about me,” he says.
“And with ‘things’ you mean that you’re gay,” it’s not a question, but Adam nods anyway. “Jared doesn’t care about shit like that,” Gerard adds.
Adam gives him a considering look. “So, he has reasons to hate me then?” he asks. His voice sounds careful in a way that is hard to describe. Gerard thinks about what to say. He doesn’t think Jared really thinks that Adam is killing the people he’s sleeping with…but, it would be still creepy to say it.
“He’s concerned,” is what he settles on.
“About you?” And this time it is a question. Gerard takes a deep drag and holds the smoke in his lungs. He kinda likes how that feels, how it makes him feel everything that slightly bit sharper.
“Yes, about me,” he answers as he breathes out slowly.
Adam nods. “He cares about you,” he says.
“He does.” Gerard turns around then to look at Adam. At his profile, the smoke curling around him and his fingers itch for a piece of paper and a pen. “You’re really beautiful, you know?” he says without thinking about it.
Adam laughs and it sounds happy. He turns around to look at Gerard, gets on his knees, so they can look each other in the eyes. Gerard can feel Adam’s breath on his skin, on his lips and wants to close his eyes to intensify the feeling. “This,” he says, gesturing to his face, his clothes his hair, “this does make me beautiful.”
“Not true, your nose and your eyes…that’s you,” Gerard whispers. Adam closes his eyes and licks his lips and Gerard follows the movement with his eyes.
“Fuck, you are just too…” he stands up then abruptly. Looks down at Gerard and Gerard feels really confused for a second. Adam bends down then, kissing Gerard’s temple and his lips hurt on his skin. He jerks away.
“What?”
“You should go back inside, I’m sure Jared is already worried,” Adam says, there is a glint of amusement in his eyes. Something that wasn’t there a couple of seconds ago.
“You saw him, seeing us leave together!” Gerard realises.
“Yep, I bet he’s freaking out right now,” Adam smiles. It looks boyish and honest.
“You’re evil,” Gerard says.
“You have no idea,” Adam answers and it makes Gerard shiver.
~3~
“It’s not true, I wasn’t freaking out,” Jared says, his voice sharp but far away. Gerard pours coffee into a mug and sits down on the floor, opposite the big window. It’s still dark outside, but the sun will rise soon, he doesn’t feel tired.
“Sure,” Gerard offers, taking a sip of his coffee. It tastes kinda funny, not like it used to taste, but maybe he’s a bit over-sensitive right now.
“I did some research on him,” Jared says.
“Oh my god, you did not!” Gerard is laughing because this can’t be his life.
“Shut up, I so did,” Jared sounds stern and a bit embarrassed. Good, Gerard thinks, he should be. This is crazy.
“This is crazy,” he says.
“Tell me about it,” Jared answers. “So, he had a few boyfriends and a few guys he hooked up with that were kind of talented, but it never got anywhere…” Jared says. Gerard is listening, but he has no idea what the hell Jared is trying to say.
“Hmmm…” he says. Just so Jared knows he’s still listening. “Seems perfectly normal to me. No trail of bodies plastering his way to the top.”
“No, nothing as obvious,” Jared replies, he sounds between alert and tired. It’s a strange thing to feel. Gerard can relate.
“I’m staring out of the window right now, drinking coffee and waiting for the day,” he admits.
“Sitting on the floor?”
“Yes,” he says putting the mug down.
“I’m doing the same.”
“Jared…” Gerard begins, he is rubbing his temple where Adam kissed him.
“Yeah?”
“This will sound really stupid…” he warns.
“Gerard,” Jared stresses.
“Okay.” He takes a deep breath and is sure Jared can hear it. “Adam kissed me,” he says in a rush, “and it hurt.”
“What?”
“It hurt, like a sting. His lips were soft and pliant against my skin, but it still hurt.”
“You are right, it sounds like crazy shit,” Jared admits, but he’s not laughing it off.
“I…” he trails off and starts anew. “I just wanted you to know, okay?”
“Okay,” Jared answers and after a long silence while they are watching the sunrise: “You need to go to bed.”
“Yeah, night.”
“Night.” Gerard waits until Jared hangs up on him and drags his body to the bed.
~+~
“This is crazy Buffy shit,” Mikey says over the phone. And Gerard nods, because he knows Mikey knows that he’s doing it. “And Buffy is not real, Gerard,” he adds. “You need to leave L.A. for a while.”
“Hell, I know, okay?” Gerard answers. “I hate it here. Hate it,” he adds.
“I know,” his brother replies. “Pack your stuff and come over or go visit mom or whatever Gerard, you must get out.”
“Don’t quote Maroon 5 on me.”
“I wasn’t…and you wouldn’t know if you wouldn’t listen to them…” he teases.
“Most of their songs are about sex Mikey,” he stresses. Mikey laughs.
“Get out of that fucking town, it makes you crazy. I don’t want you to be Adam Lambert’s next hook up; I don’t want to read about it on page one, okay?”
“Jared said the same thing,” he answers.
“I bet he used more colourful words,” Mikey says. Gerard can hear Alicia in the background asking something quietly. “Alicia wants you to know that you should come over, spend time with us. Or just call Jared.”
“He’s on tour,” Gerard replies.
“We know that honey,” Alicia says. “Call him, book a flight, visit.”
“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind,” Mikey says even before Gerard can begin this argument.
“Maybe,” he says.
Mikey hums and they stay like that for a few more minutes until Gerard is ready to hang up.
~+~
Gerard finds himself on tour with 30 Seconds to Mars and it feels great, maybe because it’s not his own tour, maybe because he can just be everywhere and be nowhere at all. He watches the set from the back, watches Jared jump and sing and run and being fucking on and he knows that he looks the same when he’s feeling it. The energy, the music. Everything.
“Lurking around the corners?” Jared asks afterwards. His clothes are wet and his hair is a mess, so is his eyeliner. Gerard reaches out and smears it over Jared’s cheek slowly. A steady line down to the corner of his lip. Jared stares at him.
“Yeah,” he breathes.
“God, I swear you are so weird,” Jared says with a small smile.
Gerard shrugs. It’s not like he didn’t know that. “And you are so pretty,” he says.
Jared laughs, shaking his head.
“You are the only dude who can say shit like that and not get punched in the face for it.”
“It’s because I’m charming and shit.”
“It’s because you look like a fucking girl,” Jared says. Gerard slaps him lightly. “You even hit like a girl,” he teases.
“Or a fag,” Shannon throws in. Jared gives him a look. “I mean it in a loving way and you know it.”
“It’s still not okay to say it,” Gerard says with an unhappy look.
“I’m sorry?” Shannon answers.
“I need a shower,” Jared says, “Meet you after? Grab something to eat?” He asks, grabbing his brother's arm and begins to drag him away with him.
“Sure,” Gerard answers easy.
~4~
When he’s back after a month of being anywhere everywhere he hates L.A. even more. He can’t stand the city and thinks back to the days when he could. He can barely remember them. He lights a cigarette and calls Pete to ask for Adam Lambert's number. He knows this is crazy Buffy shit, but still. And it’s not like he started it, it was Jared in the first place. Gerard only made things worse. Is the truth.
“Yeah?” Adam sounds a bit weary on the other end of the line. Probably because he doesn't know the number and thinks it could be a crazy fan.
“It’s Gerard,” Gerard says.
“Do I want to know how you got this number?” he asks. He sounds utterly relaxed now.
“Probably not, but I intend only to use it for the good,” Gerard says. It’s easy like this when he doesn’t have to look at Adam. When he can just listen to him. It’s normal, like it always should be.
Adam laughs. And Gerard feels stupid for calling with the reason he has.
“So,” Adam says.
“I need you to know that this is crazy Buffy shit and you can laugh about it or just hang up or…”
“Gerard, spit it out!” Adam interrupts his rambling.
“I feel like I need to see you,” Gerard states.
“Okay?”
“Like I really need to see you, okay? Like I can’t function when I’m not…it’s like when you’re painting in water colours and tip over the glass with water and it all runs down the page leaving it nearly blank. With only traces of what was there before,” Gerard tries to explain.
“I’m not an artist. I have no idea what you are talking about,” Adam says.
Gerard makes a frustrated sound. Sometimes it's really hard to talk to people who aren't his brother or his band. “I feel like I’m a blank page and you…”
“Wait!” Adam interrupts again - apparently catching on. “I’m the water and the colour is what, your creativity?”
“Yes!” Gerard says, letting himself fall against the bed frame and closing his eyes against the world.
“You think I did something to you…” Adam’s voice is a sharp whisper. Like dry, frozen leaves on pavement in a storm.
“You did do something to me,” Gerard states. “When you kissed me,” he clarifies. It’s all clear now.
“And you think that I can fix you when I’m close?” Adam wants to know. There’s still this sharp edge in his voice.
“You’re blaming yourself,” Gerard realises. “You didn’t want it.”
“Fuck, this is crazy, you know that, right?” Adam says.
“Yeah, I know. Still. It’s the fucking truth and you need to fix me,” he states.
“I can’t.”
“Because this is crazy Buffy shit and you didn’t do anything in the first place or…” he lets the sentence unfinished.
“Definitely because it’s crazy Buffy shit,” Adam says.
Gerard smiles. “You are such a liar,” he replies.
“Don’t call again.” Adam says, but it sounds a bit hesitant, a bit hopeful.
“We’ll see,” Gerard answers ending the call.
~+~
“I need a cigarette,” Jared says. Gerard nods and hands his pack over. Jared takes it and their fingers brush, it’s like a small explosion in his head, like fire and ice and colour. Like the time he smeared Jared’s make up after a show. Jared lights one and tosses the pack back. It lands in Gerard’s lap.
“I know how all this sounds,” Gerard says.
“It sounds like he poisoned you,” Jared answers, exhaling smoke. “Aren’t you taking one too?”
“No…it lost its appeal,” Gerard says. Like everything else. Like food and coffee and sex. Like music. It’s horrible even thinking about it. He wants to touch Jared again, because it’s something he wants, something that makes him feel.
“Gerard,” Jared sighs.
“I know, okay. I know. You were right and I was wrong and now…” he trails off. “There are only two things I want,” he adds and doesn’t look at Jared.
“Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
“What are those things?”
“To be with him and touching you,” Gerard says, his voice just a whisper.
“Does he know how to fix you?” Jared asks.
“Don’t know. Don’t know if he wants to, either,” Gerard admits.
“I’m going to kill him. He’s evil,” Jared says, exhaling smoke in angry breaths.
“Don’t…”
“Fuck,” Jared says, he flips his butt on the pavement and leans down to kiss Gerard’s temple. “Does this help?” he asks.
“Yeah,” Gerard says and Jared does it again.
~+~
They end up on Gerard’s couch with Jared’s body over Gerard and his mouth trailing soft/hard kisses down from his temple to his mouth and collarbone then back up again. The ache inside Gerard is still there, but it’s soft and muted and swirls with colour. He drags Jared closer by his shirt, soft and worn and perfect against Gerard’s fingertips.
“Never thought that…” Jared trails off.
“Never thought about it at all?” Gerard wants to know and Jared looks up from the line he was tracing with his tongue just under Gerard’s ear and at Gerard's face.
“Not really, maybe in an abstract way?” he muses.
Gerard laughs. “I was thinking about you when I was younger,” he admits.
“That’s why you were creepy and shy and shit around me for so long, right?”
“Yeah…” Gerard breathes and drags him down for a kiss.
Jared loses his shirt somewhere in the heat and madness that is Gerard’s mind (Gerard loses his as well), his pants and the skin to skin contact is wonderful, beautiful and nearly perfect.
Everything just blurs together then, like water and colour on a page and even if he still has the feeling he misses something, something sharp and beautiful - painful maybe even -, it’s muted and nearly bearable.
~5~
“There are things that you don’t tell people about yourself,” Gerard says, he doesn’t say that it's him, he’s sure Adam knows. Has his number programmed into his cell.
“Everyone does that. People don’t need to know everything about me. They know more about me than about their neighbours anyway,” Adam answers without missing a beat. He picked up after the second ring.
“Does it happen to everyone you kiss?” Gerard asks.
“No,” Adam answers.
“Do you need to be into them?”
“Not necessary, but it helps.” Adam admits.
“Did you do it to Kris Allen?” Gerard wants to know.
“No…”
“Did you want to?”
“It’s not…it’s not only about,” he stops and takes a deep breath. Gerard waits and listens. “This is crazy Buffy shit and you can hang up any time, okay?” he says.
“Sure, you know I won’t, though.”
“Yeah, I know,” Adam says. “I didn’t want to do that to you, but you were there and I was starving for something, something beautiful and mad and crazy and dark,” he begins. Gerard only listens. “It was just a taste,” he whispers.
“Yeah, well, you fucked me up with it,” he says.
“I know. I just…you’re shining, okay? I’m a moth and you are a flame, everyone who is brilliant and crazy.”
“Allen isn’t crazy…” Gerard says.
“He’s brilliant and maybe…he’s still mine,” Adam answers. Gerard isn’t sure he understands everything here.
“When you take someone home, someone who is crazy and talented…”
“I usually don’t stop,” Adam says.
“You take it all in and keep it there and use it? Make it part of you?” Gerard asks, it’s a scary question and he hates to think about these people, hollow and without knowing why and how it happened.
“Yes.” The thing is he doesn’t sound ashamed or guilty. Gerard takes a sharp breath. “Say it!” Adam demands.
“What?”
“What you’re thinking.”
“What am I thinking?” Gerard asks.
“That I’m a monster and unnatural and that-“
Gerard cuts him off. “I should be thinking that, but I'm not.”
“What’s wrong with you?!” Adam demands to know.
“I’m crazy, always were. Maybe that’s your luck,” Gerard says. Adam laughs, it sounds startled. Like he himself is surprised by it. “I’m sure there are people who think you should be put down, but I’m not one of them.” He adds. “I touched Jared the other day and it was like fire and ice and colour and the ache, the constant ache I feel since you messed me up, was muted and nearly bearable.”
“Oh…you told him?”
“About this crazy Buffy shit, that isn’t even real?” Gerard asks.
“Yes, about that.”
“Yes. I think…” he stops, unsure if he should say it or not, because this is crazy enough as it is.
“Spit it out, it isn’t real anyway,” Adam says.
“It’s like he balances you out,” Gerard answers.
“Did you sleep with him?”
“His fucking touch makes me able to deal,” Gerard says. “Of fucking course!” Adam laughs again.
“You should come over,” he adds.
“That would be a fucking disastrous idea.” Adam says.
“I know.”
“Gerard…”
“Adam.”
“Give me your address,” he says.
Gerard does.
~+~
“Are you fucking insane?” Jared asks, exhaling smoke. He is down to his fifth cigarette in ten minutes. Gerard is a bit worried.
“That's a theoretical question, right?”
“This shit is not funny, not funny at all.”
“It's not even real,” Gerard offers and Jared gives him a look. Not one of the good kind. He sighs.
“Can't we just pretend we aren't crazy for a second here?” Jared asks.
“The shocking truth is, Jared,” Gerard says, “that we aren't crazy at all.”
Jared takes a hard, angry drag of his cigarette. “You want him to come over, so you can be close. The thing that worries me and it should worry you too, but I know you are beyond caring, is that he is...” he trails off.
“What?” Gerard's voice is sharp.
“Dangerous,” Jared settles on, and Gerard knows he only used this word, because even Gerard has to admit that he's right about it.
“That's why you are here as well,” Gerard says, quietly.
“Enlighten me, because I still think this is a fucking crazy idea.”
“I...it’s like when I'm with you the ache is dulled, not even there at times,” he tries to explain. Jared nods. “And maybe when you're there to be between me and him...” he trails off.
“You think he won't suck your creativity, your self, your life through your dick?” Jared takes another angry drag.
“Fuck you, honestly!”
“I'm being rational about it, why aren't you?”
“Because it's not his fault!” Gerard says.
“What?”
“He was born like this, okay? It's not something he wanted, and I can respect that: I can respect that he does what he needs to and that he isn't ashamed of who he is. It's a fucking rare enough thing to find.”
“You, fuck! You are just...” he puts his cigarette into the ashtray and grabs Gerard by the collar of his old worn shirt. The kiss is hot and hard and fucking fantastic. It leaves Gerard breathless.
“He's not a monster,” Gerard says softly against Jared's skin.
“Not everyone would agree with you,” Jared whispers back.
“I know.”
~+~
“It's more like being a butterfly - not a moth,” Gerard says softly. Adam doesn't turn around, stares into the mirror in the bathroom.
“A poisonous one,” he says to his reflection. He removes his make-up with practised ease. Methodically. It looks like art but backwards.
“It doesn't matter.” Gerard sits up to have a better look. The bathroom door is open wide, but Adam still doesn't look at him.
“Not to you,” he answers, putting a wash-cloth away.
“Isn't that the point?” he asks and Adam turns around then. His face is open and naked, like a caterpillar, but not ugly. “If you would only feed on me...” he trails off.
“You are adorable,” Adam says.
“I guess that means no?” Gerard asks.
“It means no. This doesn't work like that. It's who I am,” Adam says.
“Not now.”
“Now as well,” Adam objects. His voice is mild, but firm. “I'm always me.” He shrugs and the freckles on his skin seem to dance.
“You're beautiful,” Gerard blurs out and Adam laughs out loud, switches the light off in the bathroom and crosses the short distance to the bed.
“That's why I get away with stuff.”
“There is make-up on the pillows and sheets,” Jared says, he's holding a glass of water, leaning against the door-frame. He's looking between amused and annoyed.
“We rolled around in the bed,” Gerard answers.
“Good thing you're pretty,” Jared says, walking into the room. He is wearing his boxers and a t-shirt that belongs to Adam, Gerard is sure of it. There is just too much glitter on it.
“That's why we get away with stuff...” Adam repeats and Gerard laughs. Jared puts the glass on the night-stand and settles down next to them.
“What are we watching?” he asks.
“Velvet Goldmine,” Gerard answers and Jared closes his eyes.
“Next time I'm going to pick the movie.”
“Not even in your dreams, baby,” Adam says, kissing his cheek and pushing play.
~end~