Three Spider Bites
Monday, October 3rd 2016
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I felt lethargic on Monday morning. I proposed to myself that I needed self-care and spent time taking deep breaths on Hibiscus's balcony and then soaked in the bathtub. Paladin spent time cleaning things that he brought from Snowland.
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That night I felt terribly lonely. Paladin went to bed early, Metheus wasn't still around after Windows 10 spent over an hour updating my computer from 8:15pm to 9:29pm. Overseas where Hibiscus was, it was long past midnight.
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I began making a recording for Metheus in the dark. "I didn't know I would end up being alone tonight," I began, tears rolling down my face. I paused it often to collect my thoughts. "I don't know what was wrong with me today. I felt so unable to feel inspired about anything. I forced myself to go outside and breathe in the fresh air. I opened up all the windows even though it made the house cold." I detailed my other self-care of the day, including journaling - writing always helped.
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"I suppose when you listen to this, you're going to ask why it is so bad to be alone . . . My chest hurts. My face hurts. I have this sense that I wouldn't hurt if someone was with me. I feel like I'm grieving. Like it means that nobody cares about me, because if they did, I wouldn't be alone. And my stomach hurts a bit, because I ate three-quarters of a huge squash." I went on about everything I ate, and the enzymes I took. "My ardent, dogmatic, raw-food self that I created a while back wouldn't fall into this trap, because that me wouldn't eat squash because I only enjoy it cooked." I went on about all the things I wouldn't eat if I were a dogmatic raw foodist again.
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"The problem is that I'm wavering between this dogmatic, rule-based version of me and the perfectly intuitive version of me. I'm stuck in the middle in this place where I'm not as good at making healthy decisions for myself." I paused it for a while to reflect. "Often when I'm alone, I'll just read," I said. "But right now the two books I want to read - I'm in the middle of Lolita, and am tempted to reread the Dark Duet - remind me too much of Hibiscus's energy."
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"Since Oryx introduced me to Consciousness Awareness Training I feel that I notice so much more, but say so much less. My big mouth used to get me in so much trouble. Paladin taught me to genuinely listen to others, and stay quiet more. I've gotten scared of speaking up for some reason. I didn't used to understand the consequences . . . But really, they're potential consequences. Saturday night with Eagle I felt really open - exhausted, in the dark, cuddled up with him . . . I didn't feel blocked up or scared. I realized how I've often used sex as a crutch to open myself up, but I didn't need that to open up this time."
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I went on to talk about the things I had learned in 2014 from Panda and from Eagle as lovers, and from there into many reflections about my rape fantasies. "I notice I use rape fantasies as a test of transparency. If someone accepts my rape fantasies, then I feel safer to continue to talk to them about the deepest complexities and conflicts within me," I said.
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I'd been talking aloud for twenty-eight minutes when I said, "It seems to help a lot with the loneliness to record my thoughts aloud." Was it possible that I craved my own dialogue most, and perhaps the other person was just a prop for my reflections? Once again, as Metheus had pointed out, masturbating with someone rather than actually communing with someone. "Speaking aloud seems to be helping me be more with myself."
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It was less than a minute later, contemplating the duration of my potential visit with Metheus, when I felt something crawling over my arm. I began to move and the sensation was gone as quickly as it had come. I turned on the light and looked across the top of my bed. I didn't see anything amiss. Could that really have just been a hair? I wondered. It had felt very crawly. Although, I knew it wasn't a centipede. Nobody could mistake centipede legs for simple hair. But this? It could have been an ant, a spider. a house fly . . .
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I pulled the sheets slowly across the bed. Nothing sprung out. I crawled out of the bed and then suddenly, there was a large black spider coming over the bottom edge of the bed. It was fuzzy and fast. It rested on the bottom edge of my bed, doing the magical bug-trick of walking on a vertical surface.
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Normally, I never squashed bugs anymore. Paladin had taught me compassion and love for the little critters of the world. But this bug had invaded my bed, and if the itching on my arm was an indication, it had bit me.
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I took a rag and clapped it over the spider and squished it thoroughly before throwing the rag into my laundry basket. What does it mean if a spider bites me while I'm thinking about lengthening my visit with Metheus? It seemed that the obvious conclusion was either to stick with my original timing plan, or to not go at all.
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I searched within me for any trepidation about going. Mostly I was worried about Hibiscus. He'll have only been back for a week, I thought. I shouldn't change the timing plan. It was already well thought out.
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That settled in my mind, I laid back down. I left the lights on and resumed recording. "I'm feeling much less enthusiastic about the lights being off," I said. When listening to the recording later the tone of voice shift was dramatic. My relaxed demeanor was completely replaced by a wide-awake anxiety.
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I explored my anxiety for a little while, and concluded my recording with: "I'm looking forward to the prospect of meeting you in person."
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In all, the spider had bit me three times. I mulled over it and wondered if I had successfully resolved the issue by deciding not to change my plans, but shortly thereafter I went to pee and a large spider was on the wall. I guess I have not, I thought.