Butt Hurt Gaming
Paladin came in with the laundry, which reminded me of something I'd been thinking about earlier that day.
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"Oh, and new rule today," I said.
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"What?" Hibiscus asked, thinking about his move on the Conquest game board.
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"A new rule today," I repeated.
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"What's that?"
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"No admittance to my room wearing those hideous old underwears of yours," I said.
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"Ouch," Paladin said from over in the kitchen.
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"What?" I said, as Hibiscus stood up without making his move. "He has plenty of new underwear now," I said.
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Hibiscus turned away.
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"Where are you going?" I asked.
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"Back to work," he said, opening the door to the basement and walking through it.
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"Oh," I said.
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Paladin came over to me and gave me a sympathetic look. I took a deep breath and didn't cry. I looked at the board. I heard the start of the hammer drill downstairs. I chuckled nervously. Hibiscus was working on drilling holes through the concrete for the plumbing out to the attached greenhouse. Paladin walked back away. I stared at the board.
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The drill kept going. "It's louder from here than it is from my bedroom," I remarked. I began picked up the already captured pieces, slowly. I was giving Hibiscus a chance to return, but I doubted I would see him again until much later. I sighed and went about picking up the pieces in earnest. Perhaps its better this way.
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"The game seems to have put us all in crummy moods," I remarked as I put the manuals in the box. What's the point of games anyway? I wondered. I'd had that thought many times over the past few years. Competitive games just put everyone at odds emotionally, so what was the point of playing them?
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I packed up the game and put it away. I cleared the remains of Hibiscus's lunch from the table and counter. I didn't feel very good about what he'd been eating - cheese, tortillas and various sauces. But what could I do? I wanted to show him more acceptance. And I've done just the opposite now - with his underwear. I'd been complaining about his ancient, worn-out, stained underwear since I'd first seen them, nearly a year ago now. At long last he had enough new underwear to replace the old ones. It wasn't like it was a new topic, but my declaration had lacked tact. I knew that, but I didn't feel like I had been in the wrong.
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The day had been going well right up until I suggested playing Conquest. I had worked in the garden, trimming back my overgrown tomato plants, harvesting tomatoes, chard, mint, dandelions, wood sorrel and fennel. I had moved a number of potted plants and rocks to make more room for the greenhouse construction. I'd even spent time working on Hibiscus's trench.
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After I finished cleaning up I went up to my room to let my heart ache in peace. Hibiscus came up after a while and poking his head in.
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"I see I can't finish taking my turn," he said.
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"I didn't think you were coming back," I said. You didn't say you'd be back. I had no reason to expect it, I thought. No reason except that I know you. I know how you turn around. Guilt fluttered through me, but I stuffed it down beside all the other churning emotions I didn't let show on my face. Growth. I was thinking of my self-control as growth, even though I knew better.
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"Well, I would have taken my move now, but I can't," he said. And he closed my door. I noticed he hadn't ever brought his body into my room. I can't see your underwear while you're dressed, I thought. You're being ridiculous. My heart clenched again. Or I am. Or we both are.